Chapter Text
—
August 21st, 2024, Sidney Crosby’s iPhone
Geno 71
when u coming back to pitt ?????
i see picture you and nate
ur heads so big
Sidney Crosby
Jesus Christ, G
Finishing up in Halifax in a couple weeks and heading back first week of September
What about you? Are you in Miami or Moscow now?
Geno 71
[Sent a picture]
moscow ))))))
training at rink, need nikita to brush up russian
anna taking him back to miami and i going back to you ))))) september
Sidney Crosby
:)
I have to make a quick NHLPA trip after training camp
New York this time, not Toronto
Geno 71
I see baby leafs all in TO now for #34 captain making
u no visit?
Sidney Crosby
You know I hate Toronto
Maybe if you were here
Geno 71
canada too sad for offseason
i go New York with you instead))
Sidney Crosby
You just want the hotel rooms and the steak dinners
Geno 71
I rich
no need your money for hotel rooms and steak dinners
but maybe you new contract more money than me so I make you buy
Sidney Crosby
I hate u
Stop talking about the contract extension
Geno 71
Ok maybe my turn to fly to u and try and convince
Oh Sidney Crosby, please sign don’t leave me I cannot do without u
Sidney Crosby
That is not what happened last year
I was very dignified about it all
Geno 71
ok not what happen
u just came to suck my dick and leave????
Sidney Crosby
G!!!
I hate u
Geno 71
I hear you groan from here
go watch nate sweat and squat, improve ur mood
Sidney Crosby
I hate u
I rather watch you squat instead
Geno 71
no worries baby
i send video)))
—
August 10th, Mitchell’s iPhone
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
Bro
So obv i’m so chill but i’m also like not chill at all
mitchell marney
LMAOOO
so ur freaking out
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
I’m not
I am tho
ok like what do I wear
[Sent with Invisible Ink] DEAR GOD WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HAIR
mitchell marney
bro
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
ok I came 2 u 4 support and u are not being supportive rn
mitchell marney
ur first mistake
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
Is this how U speak to ur future Captain
1st American leafs C too like no big or anything Jesus
mitchell marney
bro ur gonna kill it fr fr there is no doubt in my head but like
if u havent figured out ur hair by now as an actual millionaire u r never gonna
—
August 10th, Mitchell’s iPhone
Group Chat: tronto bboys
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
So
mo’
Decided on the outfit yet
willy nyls
Oh this better be good
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
First of all Mitch Marner has never been helpful a DAY in his life
Second of all @JT what are you wearing I need to coordinate
JT
Light blue, linen suit
Classy
Please don’t wear plaid
Wait are you in town yet
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
Yes
Is everyone?
Okay what about pinstripes
mitchell marney
i fuck w pinstripes
also don’t listen to ton i’m THE MOST helpful ur all welcome
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
Shut the fuck up
Ok but like pinstripes lowkey boring
[mitchell marney emphasized “Ok but like pinstripes lowkey boring”]
Well not like actual boring but uninteresting kinda u know
willy nyls
accessorize, dude
u have so many fuckass earrings its their time to shine
[mo’ loved a message “u have so many fuckass…”]
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
Ur so right 88
Mitch I’m giving ur A to Willy
willy nyls
Fuck yeah
also duh i’m in town u’ve literally seen me at the gym for the past MONTH do i need to concussion test u
[auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS disliked “also duh i’m in town…”]
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
jk Mitch u can have your A back
mitchell marney
ok thanks i kinda need that
u know what else i need
DINNER with EVERYONE
roll call
willy nyls
yeah whatevs
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
duh
JT
I will be bringing a child but okay
mo’
Guys I love you all but I don’t really wanna leave Tessa
kjdja
Boys this is Tessa typing
Please take him out to diner so he stops hovering
I’m pregnant not invalid
[JT laughed at “Please take him out to dinner…”]
[auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS and mitchell marney laughed at “I’m pregnant not invalid”]
JT
Hahaha I remember feeling like that Mo when Aryne was pregnant with Jace but sometimes they need a little space
mo’
Right
Okay
JT
Hahahaha Aryne’s telling me to invite everyone over so you guys can get practice baby sitting with ours
mitchell marney
no need to tell me twice
i’m ready for kid snuggles and ball hockey in the driveway
auston 💥💥💥 MATTHEWWWWS
1 last JT captains dinner
Sweet
Why am I getting kind of emotional abt this
JT
7pm be here or be square
willy nyls
bet
—
August 11th, Mitchell’s iPhone
mitchell marney
bro are u gonna be back in town at any point or
dylan strome
probs not
mitchell marney
brooooooooo
do u think it’ll be weird if i show up to ur moms house begging for lagsana
dylan strome
lmao mitch
ur 27
mitchell marney
dont be mean :(
dylan strome
sorry
staying in washington to train until training camp
mitchell marney
yeah ok mr 1C
dylan strome
yeah but ur contending so
mitchell marney
hey u made playoffs
dylan strome
because getting blown out counts
mitchell marney
y r u being a bitch
can we not bond over our teams both being round 1 losers
wait ur telling me u havent seen the beautiful streets of missisuaga all summer
dylan strome
ugh
don’t make me vomit
mitchell marney
my schedules insane for the next month bro like i actually can’t leave toronto between training and media
i haven’t seen u all year bro wtf
dylan strome
yeah like i don’t have commitments??
mitchell marney
dude that’s not what i meant and u know it
damn what is wrong w u
u havent been this pissy in years
prick
go hug ur dog and ur beautiful wife and be grateful in ur big ass house wtf
AND u have american taxes
dylan strome
[dylan strome laughed at “AND u have american taxes”]
u love me
mitchell marney
is this abt davo making it to cup finals
WAIT
IS THIS ABOUT DAVO GETTING MARRIED
dylan strome
[dylan strome disliked “IS THIS ABOUT DAVO GETTING MARRIED”]
suddenly i hate u again
—
August 14th, Auston Matthew’s iPhone
Mama Matthews
My love I’m so proud of u!!!! U’re gonna do so great ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I love you
-
Patrick Marleau
Congratulations Matts!!!! Well earned!!! Lol giving JT a break eh
-
Justin Bieber
CONGRAAAAATS MAN ur the man!!!!! Killing it lets go win a cuuuuuup
-
Wolly
O CAPTAIN MY CAPTAINNNNN
-
P Kaner
Way 2 gooooo Auston lets goooo!!!! American representttttt
-
tkachuk brother #1
GONNA BEAT UR ASS NEXT SZN CAPTAIN OR NO
-
tkachuk brother #2
LFGGGGGGGG FELLOW MATTHEWS
BE READY TO LOOOOOOSE NEXT TIME I SEE YA
auston matthews replied to “BE READY TO LOOOOOOSE NEXT TIME I SEE YA”
yeah lose my mind maybe
thanks bro!!!!
—
August 14th, Mitchell’s iPhone
dylan strome
tell Auston congrats!!!
mitchell marney
if u were HERE in TORONTO you could TELL HIM URSELF
dylan strome
awww i miss u too buddy
mitchell marney
lies bro
if u missed me u’d COME BACK BE HERE
dylan strome
go be with ur team
its celebration time cmon
mitchell marney
yea we chill raging tn
dylan strome
dear christ
what is a chill rage
mitchell marney
ragin but like its 2 close 2 the szn for serious tomfoolery or beer
so its ball hockey with the tavares brood before white claws in the yard after they go to sleep
its fucking bangin’
dylan strome
lmaooooo
have fun mitchy
mitchell marney
i will
more fun than U apparently
dylan strome
ur dedication to being a dick is literally so unmatched
mitchell marney
u love my dick
u know whos dick u love more
dylan strome
i’m gonna block u
real talk did u get invited to his wedding or no
mitchell marney
lol no
he texted me sry abt it tho
said we could all grab dinner next time we were in town
he’s a good guy bro
shit’s just different for him you know like it always has been
dylan strome
bro i fucking know
if anyone knows its fucking me
fucking hell
whatever man it is what it is
mitchell marney
bro i didn’t even get an invite to UR wedding
dylan strome
we were fighting
i was mad at u
mitchell marney
i’m literally the best person to ever do it
dylan strome
u changed his contact in my phone with that of Brinksys and I had to have the worst 20 minute phone call of my life
mitchell marney
TWENTY MINUTES
WHAT
WAIT I DID NOT KNOW THIS
WTF DID Y’ALL TALK ABOUT
dylan strome
i hate u so much
this is why u weren’t invited to my wedding
u’ll never fucking know
mitchell marney
i’d threaten u with doing it again
but it probs won’t work a second time cos u probs have his phone number memorized by now
—
August 14th, Stromer’s iPhone
dylan strome
You ever forget how annoying Mitch Marner is
alex dekittycat
Literally never
Incapable
I’d be on my deathbed and my last thought would be about how annoying Mitch is
dylan strome
[dylan strome emphasized “I’d be on my deathbed and…”]
glad u agree
wya anyways
alex dekittycat
detroit, bro
like where else
dylan strome
u ever like
idk
alex dekittycat
WHAT
dylan strome
idk it must be nice to play where u grew up
home town team and all
but also lowkey the separations nice
alex dekittycat
ew
don’t tell me u still root for the leafs
dylan strome
no i root for alexander ovechkin
alex dekittycat
exactly
u get to play w a legend bro
be happy
dylan strome
I AM
alex dekittycat
sure bud
don’t make me sic Mitch on u
i feel like it wouldn’t take much for him to fly down to Washington
dylan strome
nah he’s the toronto legend now
got no time for plebs like me
alex dekittycat
JESUS CHRIST
—
August 14th, Patrick Kane’s iPhone
alex debrinksy
bro ur rookie’s being emo again i can’t deal w him
Kaner
Which rookie
I don’t feel like I claimed any rookies recently
alex debrinksy
the emo one
Kaner
Oh so ur other half
alex debrinksy
Ew
kinda
bro just save me
Kaner
Lol ok
—
Kaner
Yo last min but whats ur schedule look like
Stromer
weights ice time suffering repeat x100 until T camp why
Kaner
Who u working w
Stromer
Trainers from the Caps who else
Kaner
Come down to Chi town work w my trainers instead
Stromer
bro I have children
Kaner
Literally so do I
They can entertain each other
I’m like a good dad ok
Stromer
did alex text u
Kaner
Jesus christ
Do u wanna come down or not
Stromer
Yeah let me check w Tayler
Kaner
Mandy alrdy texted her
U were coming like it or not
Stromer
Why do I even try
—
August 15th, Tyler Seguin’s iPhone
Group Chat: THE OLD GUARD
sidney crosby
Jesus I hate the name of this group chat
But also Sorry I can’t believe Auston’s Captain now
So very well deserved but I swear he got drafted yesterday
Tyler Seguin
Sid with yet another kids these days
sidney crosby
Seriously am I the only one freaking out here
Tyler Seguin
nah I had the same when Hischier was made captain in NJ
Jamie Benn
That was just cos u had ur vanity threatened
Tyler Seguin
He’s very pretty it’s true
PKane
I processed my feelings on this when Connor got the C lol
Tyler Seguin
be honest with me patty what are u gonna do when they make bedard Captain
PKane
Lie down for a very long time
Jonny ur 4ever captain in my heart for ever and ever
JToews
Lol ok I’ll send that to Larkin
PKane
Larks’ a beauty but he got nothing on u bby
he called me a vet the other day I may have died
Also brinksy texted me calling Stromer my rookie and bro that feels like DECADES ago
Ovi
Stromer my center now))))
until u come to Washington Sid then u my center)))
Geno Malkin
Блядь
Ovi
Malkin u can center me too no need for jealous
Geno
I sick of ur face from Moscow
Sid no worry Auston young Captain yes
but he even less hair than me))))
Tyler Seguin
I just don’t know if that’s true bud
Geno
True))))
PKane
Rmbr when I was worried abt my hairline
I’m calling it when Matthew’s retires he’ll be Gio levels of bald
Jamie Benn
I’ll take that bet
I bet they’ll have some wild hair restoration technologies 10 years down the line
I say he saves it
Tyler Seguin
And this is why I’m in charge of the finances in this family
Jamie Benn
Tell that to the accountant we pay out of our asses for
—
August 22nd, Jacky’s iPhone
Group Chat: three bros in the big leagues
jacky
today’s the day brothers
lukey
wooooo
quinny
Let’s goooo
Did y’all see the video yet or
jacky
no it’s supposed to be out at 11am
lukey
someone leaked it lol
but also Trish from PR sent us a preview in the email did u not read it
quinny
Lmao no way Jack read it
jacky
i literally read more than u two combined
I'm actually the most literate brother this is actual slander
quinny
Yeah literate and lazy
How many times have u checked ur email since the off szn started don’t lie
jacky
not a fair question
not my fault we’re not all blessed to have handsome captains who lovingly text us all the team schedule info in a popping group chat
lukey
I literally am on the same team as him and that is not at all how I would characterize nico’s texts lmaooo
[Sent a screenshot]
literally the most normal group texts ever jack’s projecting
jacky
who says i get the same texts u do
maybe mine has heart emojis
lukey
🤮🤮🤮
come play on the same team as ur brother they said
it’ll be good for ur development they said
yeah but what about my SANITY
quinny
lmaoooo
Jack I literally AM the handsome captain your welcom
jacky
Gross
it doesn’t count if only Mom thinks ur handsome
lukey
don’t make him bring up his legion of online fans
altho I like the art ppl make of him looking depressed
quinny
ITS JUST MY FACE
God FORBID I focus when playing a hockey game
lukey
“focus”
sureeeee if u say so buddy
focusing on the demons ur fighting
jacky
brother is haunted
don’t worry Bro we love u even with creepy eyes
quinny
It’s the weight and responsibility of being Captain
Sorry if u 2 don’t get it!!!
jacky
well nico’s captain too and his eyes are beautiful and sparkly and joyful
lukey
i want a trade
quinny replied to “well nico’s captain too and…”
WHEN HE’S LOOKING AT U, MAYBE
—
August 22ng, Q's iPhone
Jacky
i fucking hate twitter
fucking losers
Quinny
Lol whats up
Damn outta the GC too must be serious
Jacky
ppl hating on Lukey for getting a chel cover his first szn
it’s not his fault he’s awesome
and also that the power of brotherhood is fucking irristable
Quinny
People are so dumb
Christ
Stop reading X
also Make sure Luke doesn’t read that shit bro
Fucked up
Jacky
“X”
yeah I’ll try
lake tmr?
Quinny
ask the GC we have weights in the morn
Jacky
ur so gross and responsible
Quinny
Oh so when Nico does it its sexy and when I do it I can go kms
Jacky
exactly
glad u understand
—
August 23rd, Mitch Marner’s iPhone
brinksy
if u break it u buy it
mitchell marney
WHAT’D I DO THIS TIME
brinksy
Nth Stromers just being emo again
he's fleeing for chicago again
My idea but still
mitchell marney
ugh this is what i get for trying to be helpful
brinksy
idk man hes doin ok
mitchell marney
yeah cos being a bitch for YEARS is “ok”
like we all grow up and grow apart whatever the fuck but don’t just pull away like that
like wtf its not fair
he should talk to me more
brinksy
u think everyone should talk to u more
mitchell marney
yeah cos i’m awesome
brinksy
so ur interfering cos u care not cos of the pool
mitchell marney
bro i would NEVER fuck with the holiness of the pool
but ok abt the pool
idk sometimes i feel bad abt how big the pools gotten
do u
brinksy
yeah its gotten kinda crazy
but like if their moms are in on it then its not that bad right
i think they’d think its funny half the league has bets on em
mitchell marney
wtf not half
like 25% maybe
why am i lowkey jealous i want half the league to be placing bets on me
brinksy
ok i can set that up for u
step 1: establish a friendship w a bro thats wayyy too intense and mildly homoerotic at age 16
step 2: live and die 4 each other for the next 8 years
step 3: let the realities of life and the NHL tear u apart
step 4: be weird about it till the day u die
mitchell marney
u’ve lost me
sounds like a fun time but that’s just much more of davo’s thing
bro its so fucking weird how they’re both so fucking normal nowadays but if u bring up the other persons name they look like lawson after eating a worm
like i can NOT imagine being that weird abt someone EVER
brinksy
my other idea for the pool is for #MitchMarnerTradeWatch2024
mitchell marney
too low brother
too low
anyways do u think its weird how much i call Stromer’s mom
brinksy
i would say yes but i’ve had her lasagna
i still dream abt it sometimes
so i get it man i really do