Chapter Text
Ushijima had always been a quiet boy. He never understood the urge his peers had to constantly spew words. An endless stream of words. It didn't make sense to him how people could have so much to say. His own mind had always been so quiet. He thought about his plans for the day, what to make for breakfast, what homework he had left, and what he wanted to focus on during volleyball practice - but that's also pretty much where his thoughts ended. He wasn't interested in the newest TV shows, or the new pictures some random model had posted, or what exciting new book had just come out. His classmates would almost climb over each other in an attempt to get all their thoughts out and Ushijima did. not. understand.
He didn't resent them for it, he knew it was just what they were like, that it was part of them. But he didn't understand why he wasn't build the same way. It caused a rift between him and his classmates. Between him and his teammates. Each time someone new came up to him, trying to strike up a conversation, Ushijima's mind went blank. He had nothing to say, nothing that would interest whatever poor teen he was talking to. He would try his best, but there were only so many 'I don't know's and 'no I don't's he could give before the conversation came to a halt. Ushijima didn't know how to continue, how to make the other person stick around. He knew he was making them uncomfortable, but he didn't know how to fix it. Whoever he was talking to would soon give up, awkwardly stepping away with a poor excuse for why they had to go. And that was it. They would leave him alone.
And if it had stopped there, Ushijima could've probably lived with it. He never liked those awkward conversations, he didn't like making others feel bad because of his own shortcomings. He would rather stay quiet on his own. But his lack of conversation in addition to his general cold appearance had the unfortunate downside of making other's think he thought he was better than them. That they weren't worth his time, and they started to resent him for it. It didn't matter that it wasn't true. Ushijima didn't know how to tell them otherwise. So the rift grew. His classmates spoke about him behind his back. He only knew because they weren't exactly subtle with it.
The first time it happened was after lunch on a random friday in his first year of junior high. Ushijima was coming back to his classroom to a group of boys laughing together. He was just opening the door when the topic of conversation made him pause with the door ajar.
"-it sent shivers down my spine man."
"I know right? Those eyes are freaky, there's definitely something unnatural hiding behind them. He's not normal."
They were speaking poorly of someone. And while he usually would've stepped in, the next comment made him freeze completely.
"Ugh, at least you guys get to escape him. I sit next to the damn guy. I swear he's so focused on school work to make me feel shitty for not keeping up. He's so messed up, he even leaves his test scores just out. I just know he does it to make me feel shitty about my own ones."
And Ushijima felt an uncomfortable feeling spread through his body as he realised they were talking about him. That was his homework partner speaking. The murmor of agreements made the realisation of it made the unknown feeling continue to grow, an uncomfortable being creeping through him all the way from his heart and to the very tips of his fingers. He didn't know what it was, he just hoped it would vanish.
Go away go away go away. He had never felt small before. He had never really even considered his size before this point. It was just his body. But the way they talked about him made his shoulders shrink in on themselves, a desperate attempt to take up less space.
Did they really hate him that much? He had never thought poorly of his peers. He knew they were different, he knew he made them uncomfortable with his few words. But he had never considered they took his actions as something malicious. He had never considered hiding his grades. Why would he? It was just a number. Just because his number was higher than most of the others, didn't mean he was a better person. It just meant he had written the answers his teachers were looking for. The comments continued, and Ushijima was stuck. He wanted to tell them no, it's not like that. Because it wasn't. But he could't move, couldn't speak, couldn't do anything besides stand there and take the mocking laughs.
He was jolted as the bell rang, signaling that the break was over. The sound was all he needed to open the door completely, eyes on the ground as he found his seat. Trying to ignore how the group had gone completely quiet, he sat down and opened his books completely on autopilot. The comments about him circulating through his mind. It was a fog of sound he had never felt in his head before.
The quiet was slowly taken over by a seemingly never ending stream of they hate you, you're not normal repeating over and over in his head, not going away as the class started. Not going away as he attended practice. He couldn't remember if he performed well, but he must have, because his ruthless coach didn't comment anything. The walk home after was a blur. He only came back to himself as he was lying in his bed, finally alone, with no eyes on him. He was safe in his own bed, his whale shark plush securely in his arms. And then he started to cry.
Tears welled in his eyes and trickled down his cheeks, he couldn't stop them now that they'd started falling. He clutched the plush in his arms and tried to ignore how soaked his pillowcase became.
The release of emotions left him exhausted, and by the time he awoke the next morning, he was strung out, feeling like he had slept for days and been awake for just as long simultaneously. His head was pounding and his eyes were itchy, ironically dry after all the liquid that'd filled them the night before. Thankful for it being the weekend, he spent it isolating himself, going over all his behaviours. Which ones of them caused others to believe he thought ill of them? Should he try to get rid of those? The though made him feel icky all over. Should he really try to change himself when it was only a misunderstanding? The back and forth lasted all throughout the weekend, and didn't abate until Monday morning when he decided that he should try to clear up the misunderstanding. He would talk to his classmates, it wasn't random small talk this time. He had a clear mission in mind, something he wanted to achieve. He didn't want his peers to think he looked down on them, and he certainly didn't want to change his very being for them either. The logical solution had to be talking to them. Surely they would understand if he explained his side of the story to them.
With his mind made up, Ushijima was hopeful. He could do this. He could talk to them. He didn't look down on them. He wouldn't try to argue that he was normal, because he probably wasn't. But he didn't think he was better than anyone. His determination lasted until he found his way to his classroom, sat down, and saw the same group of boy from friday walk in, chatting aimmlessly of what they'd been up to during the weekend. Then the group saw him sitting in his usual seat, and the mood shifted completely. Ushijima met the eyes of one of the boys and shivered at the disdain he saw there.
"Hey man, no hard feelings right?" The boy smirked.
"Yeah, I mean we we're just being honest ya know," another added.
"Exactly! You can't behave like that and expect us to just tolerate it," a third one chirped. And Ushijima felt his planned words leave him along with his breath as his determination flew straight through the window and anxiety took its place. These boys were not going to hear him out. Even he could tell. They'd decided to hate him, and an explanation was not going to help him. He searched for anything to say, anything at all.
His ears started ringing, he couldn't breathe. And in between the ocean of disappointment and the rising anxiety the only thing he managed to do was to slam the table and snap out "don't talk behind others' backs," before he turned to look at the chalkboard, eyes unable to focus on anything as he felt the stares of the boys piercing through the back of his head.
It was a stupid thing to say, he knew it. He hadn't meant to be so harsh, not at all. But he had said it now and there was nothing he could do to fix it. Another attempt at speaking now felt impossible, and all he could do was try to get his breathing under control. The room was filling up with people, but Ushijima barely noticed. Thankfully, the lesson passed without incident. Ushijima wasn't called on to answer any questions, and used the time to calm himself down. The familiar voice of the teacher helped, even if he at no idea what she said. He couldn't bring himself to look at the boy in the seat next to him, scared of what he would see if he lifted his eyes. When the class was over and Ushijima got up to get some fresh air, he accidentally caught some of the boys looking at him, but as soon as they noticed his eyes were set in their direction they rushed to leave the classroom. Weird. Ushijima would've thought they'd take his statement as just another thing to laugh at. But the looks on their faces as they scattered had almost seemed scared.
After the incident, his classmates continued to keep him at a distance. But the energy had shifted slightly. Even Ushijima could feel the difference. Where others before had at least attempted conversation with him, they stopped completely after this. Ushijima couldn't really understand why. His classmates avoided him completely during the following weeks, and they seemed unable to meet his eyes at all. They would shrink away from him.
As the weeks went on Ushijima felt a crushing realisation washing over him that he missed the awkward half-conversations he'd had up until this point. At least they'd seemed not to hate him then. After, whenever they thought he wasn't around, he would catch glimpses of conversations that were definitely about him.
They had plenty to say, and very little of it could be considered kind. The topic had also changed. They no longer mocked him for his apparent superiority, but now whispered comments of how terrifying he was, that they thought he would attack them any second, that he was violent - one comment away from assaulting them. More than once, Ushijima had to rely on his plush to keep him company while his tears soaked his pillow for yet another night. But there wasn't anything he could do about it, he didn't trust himself to talk to them, terrified they might be right.
The rest of his junior high school years continued in the same way. His classmates would avoid him as much as they could. Whenever they were obligated to speak to him, they would shutter at his words, running away as soon as possible. Over time, Ushijima learned to deal with it. While it hurt to be misunderstood so badly, any attempt at speaking was left with the other person scared. And he didn't want to make them feel worse, so he'd let it go. It was easier that way. He didn't really mind being alone after all. And all that alone time left him with plenty of opportunities to improve himself.
He focused all his time and attention on school work and improving his volleyball skills. While his teammates didn't really speak to him either, they at least did so because of admiration and respect more so than actual fear. All the work he put in left him with results. By the time he graduated, he was by far the best player in his prefecture. His grades scores were at the top of his class, and he was able to attend whatever high school he wanted.
Ushijima chose the one with the best volleyball team of course. Volleyball was the only thing that really interested him. While he was a good student, there weren't any subjects he found particularly exciting. So if he had to suffer through three more years of school, he at least wanted to have an enjoyable activity to get him through them. And he wasn't an idiot, he knew how good of a player he was. But he still wanted to improve, to become the ace his father had talked so much about. And the best way to do that, was to choose the school that could take him to the top.
Shiratorizawa academy was half an hour by train from his home, so with his new uniform on and his usual bag securely on his shoulder, he started the commute with only muted excitement. Cherry blossoms littered the ground at the station as he waited for the train to arrive. There was still a chill in the air, and the occasional breeze sent pleasant shivers down his back. He wasn't going to hope for new beginnings. He knew how he appeared to others, and only hoped that he wouldn't scare off everyone in his year this time around. But the idea of joining a new volleyball team and improving his skills easily overshadowed his reluctance to speak to people.
He got on the train with nerves only a faint hum in the background of his mind. It was crowded, office workers and students filling up the carriage. Ushijima's height allowed him to not feel too claustrophobic as he was pushed further in, a small relief from the high temperature from the many people in such a small space. The chilliness from outside was completely gone, and Ushijima could only hope that that he wouldn't get too sweaty by the time the train arrived at his stop.
At one of the stops, as he jostled between the new passengers entering the train, he caught sight of fiery red in the sea of black hair before him. Ushijima blinked. He had never seen such a vibrant colour on another person before. The person stood hunched over, looking down at something. His phone probably. And Ushijima could tell that this boy was tall, his shoulders just visible above the heads of those around him, likely around Ushijima's own considerable height. It is then that he noticed what the boy was wearing. A white jacket with purple purple accents, the exact same one Ushijima was currently sporting. The two colours, red and purple, should give a disharmonious clang in his head, they certainly clashed, but Ushijima felt himself shockingly intrigued by it. Why would someone ever dye their hair that way? Unless it was natural - but then Ushijima had seen natural gingers before and those pale shades were nothing in comparison to the flames before him now.
His pondering was cut off by the speaker system announcing his stop, the boy lifting his eyes from his phone, and for a split second met Ushijima's own. Ushijima blinked, and found that the boy was already on his way out the door. Ushijima followed, still feeling strangely curious. Had he not already gone over his planned route multiple times to memorize it in the days leading up to his first day, and were he not afraid to scare the boy away, he likely would've asked the boy for directions. As it stood, he resigned himself to follow him at a distance.
When the blob of red took the exact same route as his planned one, he took it as confirmation that he'd chosen the right path. The boy seemed assured walking the route, as if he'd taken it a million times before. His movements signified his familiarity with it, never hesitating at a crossroads, cutting corners on wavy paths, and easily stepping over any hitches in the pavement. Ushijima started wondering if the boy was older than him. It wasn't impossible - it was the first day for all students after all. Ushijima felt something unpleasant spark in his heart at that. Confused by the sensation, he lifted his hand to his chest, clenching his fist slightly, willing the feeling away. It wouldn't do well to get sick now. He had volleyball try-outs to complete this week, and he wanted to give his best performance.
Ushijima turned a final corner and the high school appeared before him. Calling it big would be an understatement. The gates were deceptively small, large buildings kept appearing as he made his way through campus, navigating through the waves of students entering the school. There were signs that helped signal where to go, otherwise he is certain he would get lost in the maze of buildings.
Compared to his junior high, this place was like its own city. Students crowded the streets, there were so many more people than he expected there to be. It was one thing reading about the number of students online. It was another entirely to physically be there with them. The train carriage felt practically vacant in comparison to this, it was so loud. The only similarities being his ability to breathe over the heads of the other students. The fiery hair of the boy had vanished somewhere in the crowd, and Ushijima noticed the loss.
The welcome ceremony passed civilly. Ushijima despised loud noises, and was relieved to learn that at least during speeches, the students managed to stay relatively silent. The silence lasted exactly until the principal was finished with his last speech, and the chatter started back up immediately. It followed him through the hallways and into his classroom, where is now. Some of the students in his class seem to already know each other, as they chatter of what they'd done together that summer fills the silence from those who don't appear to know anyone.
Ushijima follows the seating chart and sits down at the desk marked his - on the left side of the room, by the windows. The seat in front of him is still empty when he sits down, but as Ushijima takes out his notebooks and places them on his desk, his head snaps up at someone sliding into the seat.
Someone tall.
Someone with violently red hair.