Chapter Text
It all started when the backup team arrived. They seemed to be a very competent small group of four people, their leader, Katha Niar, very much to the point, no-nonsense, which was a relief after all the clouded and hidden subtleties that surrounded this mission. They set to work the second they entered the room.
The most intriguing member of her small team was a Sith Lord. He was dressed in immaculate light grey-white robes, had an almost aristocratic posture, eased into the warrior's way of being out of combat: legs slightly spread, hands on the back. His raven black hair combed away from his face, allowed one to give even more credit to his insanely attractive features. Which was not what I was waiting for, this mission would be terribly hard to finish, I did not have time for distraction.
Nonetheless I found myself stealing glances at him. Pureblood Sith, like me, with beautiful, feline, almond-shaped yellow eyes, and jewellery well chosen. Overall he breathed dignity and style. In such a way that you expected him to be leading us all, instead of standing there in a more obedient role. I knew of course why he was here. He used to be Darth Malgus’s apprentice. And I reckoned he took the fall for his masters betrayal, and his punishment consisting of serving on Makeb. As for me, I was here representing the Dark Council on behalf of Darth Marr, overseeing the harvest of Isotope-5
The way he introduced himself was even more extraordinary than the man himself, to this day I remember the exact wording:
“Lord Cytharat, tactical advisor. My life for you, my loyalty to the Empire”. Those thirteen words were enough to change the course of my life. I tried to resist, at the same time I couldn't. At the “my life for you” part he looked me straight in the eye, and I felt a wave of heat colour my cheeks. Barely concealed invitation and innuendo was hidden there, as well as a quick mischievous smile that disappeared before he went to the second part of the sentence... How can anyone declare absolute loyalty while sounding so fiercely independent?
I won’t bother you with details about the mission. It is common knowledge, just as what happened to us afterwards is unfortunately common knowledge. I merely feel the need to explain myself, explain us, and have a chance at a normal life. My fellow Council members demand the truth, I am expected to face them soon. However: Truth, what is truth. I don’t think it exists. Ask two people about one and the same incident, and they will both provide a completely different version of what happened. Therefore I won’t be using the word. I rather keep it more personal, or more subjective if you like.
The choice I had in the matter was extremely complicated, even though I had only two options to choose from. My final choice is still the subject of heavy debate between Dark Council members, I won’t interfere. I won’t even try to change their point of view. They have to reach their conclusion and if they want me to take the fall for it, I will.
What I did was probably unforgivable: I chose to save him. And that is incomprehensible to the Dark Council, I chose to save the apprentice of a traitor over finishing an incredibly important mission. I do realise now that they have sent him to Makeb, hoping he would die, or fail, which would cost him his life anyway. That I interfered leaves them with a dilemma. I am one of their fellow Dark Council members, as well as a hero. They cannot just move me out of the way and therefore they cannot reach Cytharat.
He had been fighting alongside me, side by side, while I marvelled at his fighting skills. He and his team then went off, defending our way out, while I was supposed to do my magic. I made it outside, they were trapped and their numbers down to Cytharat with only two of his warriors.
Saving him was an subconscious decision, straight from my heart. I will never deny that, will never belittle my decision, will never say it was a mistake. It was a very selfish decision. That I agree to, yes. I couldn't bear the thought of him going up all alone against an entire army, and going down in flames. He would have sacrificed himself, he is such a person. I am not.
Neither am I a hero. The hero title was forced upon me after Corellia, but it never felt comfortable. So much in my life had been a lie. Nowhere a place to call home. Being a child I was never a child. Being young I was never young. Forcing myself to act as if falling in love with men was nothing more than a fling. Obeying the unwritten Sith laws to procreate, which fortunately didn't work, I simply couldn't perform the act.
But I am wandering off, let's go back....
"Say the word, and I will be at your side", he had said. But when he needed me, I nearly failed him...
I saved him. I went after him through that godforsaken place, my heart pounding in my chest, frantically fighting my way to him, scared he would not make it. He almost didn't. When I finally reached him he was terribly wounded. And then the wall between us finally came falling down. I took him in my arms, very cautiously, and kissed him. And took him to safety. And couldn't help but marvel at his dignity, even now, even while he was almost dying. I am sorry to say, but I tore up his beautiful robes to be able to reach his wounds and perform first aid. All the while hoping, praying...
He whispered that for my kiss alone he would have come to Makeb… Why didn't this happen earlier, it would have made such a difference. But I am as much to blame as he is. I could have stepped over this invisible barrier and told him what was in my heart, how I had fallen in love with him. I had not, and neither had he. And now we face the consequences of our dancing around each other, our sparring with what could perhaps be, our flirting if you like. My feeling of guilt has no end, not to the Empire although I failed it. No, first and foremost to him. Would I have sent him in there with his far too small army if he and I.....?
I like to think we would have gone in there together, as partners, as companions. I like to think we would have had each others backs. I would have heard his lightsaber hum. I would have conjured up lightning. We would have been invincible together.
He is still in hospital, but growing stronger by the day. Every spare moment I am at his side, travelling between the Sith Sanctum where the debate is ongoing, and him. I’d rather spend all my time with him. But I have a strong motive to pursue this. I want his redemption. Not for myself. He is a proud person, so extremely loyal to an Empire that doesn't deserve him. He never did anything wrong, never did anything that would jeopardize the Empire, or our mission. For that conviction and for him I fight.
If it were up to me alone, I’d take him away from Dromund Kaas, and bring him to a place where we would have a better chance. But I know that he probably would follow me, and his guilt and conscience would overtake him. I could never do that to him. After all: his life is for me, but his loyalty belongs to the Empire. I have to respect this. And I do, it’s not a flaw in him, it’s a strength. And I love him for it.
I have always considered myself a pragmatist. But lately I am wondering if I am not trying to hide the truth from myself. I am not such a loyalist. I am not even sure what side I am fighting for. I have seen many Jedi I would like to get to know better, and Sith I have grown to hate. I think the time has come to make a decision, unrelated to what the Dark Council will decide. Do I stay at Cytharat's side within the Empire, or do I leave the Dark Council and become an exile, and, as a logical consequence, leave him.
It is quiet in here, gossip and rumours can't reach it. To almost everyone saving a traitor's apprentice makes me a traitor, Dromund Kaas is a very small and narrow-minded city. I am tired, I want to be a person again, not the object of adoration or resentment.
My crew and servants guard the entrance, keeping everyone out but the doctors. I can think here, sit here, feeling like I can breathe again, staying out of sight, away from accusing glares and whispers. I am sitting in the dark, watching him, he’s asleep. My hand trails his lips, his jewellery, his hair. I have been alone for most of my life. I can be alone for many years more. I want to be with him, I know this is more than a slight infatuation. My heart is being torn apart.
Suddenly I feel his eyes on me. His hand on mine. “Do not go, stay” he says quietly. I stand, covering my tearful eyes with my other hand, and try to leave. But he grabs my hand with an unforeseen steely grip. “Do not go Jen’ari", he persists. And finally I lose the battle, kneeling down beside him and burying my head against his chest. And feeling his hand stroke my hair, and hearing his voice caress me with the sibilant words of our common language.