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Tonight was one of those nights.
Odysseus felt like he finished a footrace. He couldn’t catch his breath no matter how much air he was taking in. His heart beat as hard and fast as the hammer of mighty Hephaestus. One look at him, someone would suspect that he dunked himself into the sea. In reality, he wasn’t drenched with water that surrounds his island of Ithaca, but instead his own sweat.
Odysseus blinked and looked at his surroundings. He was sitting up in his bed. He was home. The king was in his kingdom of Ithaca. Odysseus reached and felt the bark of the olive tree from which he built his bed.
No more war. No more sailing countless miles in the open sea, facing the wrath of Poseidon. No more seeing crew member after crew member meet their demise. Odysseus needed to remind himself.
“Odysseus?” A feminine voice next to him whispered.
His darling Penelope.
If only Odysseus could wrap himself in her voice, so soft and warm. A warm sense of security washed over Odysseus.
Odysseus raised both hands and gently placed them on both sides of her face, tenderly stroking her cheeks, anything to tell himself that his wife was actually by his side, and not just a figment of his imagination.
Penelope placed one of her hands over Odysseus’s. “Talk to me.”
Odysseus opened his mouth, but no words could come forth, his throat constricting. He closed his mouth and felt a tightening in his chest, a firm grip on his heart that could be compared to Zeus clutching a lightning bolt.
Zeus and lightning bolts. Remembering the encounter with the king of the gods when Odysseus and his men tried to flee from Thrinacia sent shivers throughout Odysseus's body despite himself feeling unbearably warm.
Feeling a prickling sensation behind his eyes, Odysseus shut them, feeling hot tears stream down. He lowered his hands down until his arms were around Penelope's waist. Holding her close, he buried his face against the crook of her neck, breathing in her scent. She always had a sweet aroma of oranges.
Penelope let her fingers comb through her beloved husband’s hair. Odysseus couldn't believe he spent twenty years not feeling Penelope's touch.
Odysseus continued to bask in the loving caress. He didn’t know nor did he care how much time passed.
Odysseus knew everything had to come to an end eventually. Even though Odysseus didn't want to separate himself, he knew he had to. The air around him felt more and more stifling. He needed to get out. Only for a moment.
He let go of his embrace from Penelope and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He winced when the soles of his bare feet felt the coldness of the floor.
“Do you want me to come with?” Penelope asked.
Without looking over his shoulder to see her, Odysseus shook his head. Penelope was never offended when Odysseus rejected her offer to be a companion when he goes. While it was always a kind gesture, there are some walks you have to take by yourself. Odysseus got up from the bed and made his way out.
“I’ll wait for you.” Penelope said.
Wait.
Waiting.
Odysseus's breath hitched. He knew that his mother, Anticlea, was once waiting for him. Her haunting voice sounded so clear, “Odysseus, when you come home, I’ll be waiting…”
Odysseus covered his ears. He shouldn’t be hearing her. His mother was in the Underworld. He saw her while traveling to meet the prophet Tiresias. Odysseus was on the surface, still in the halls of his palace… right?
His breathing became rapid, he quickened his pace. Heat filled the air. Odysseus could feel himself sweating from every pore. Odysseus’s eyes darted at his surroundings. Seeing the pillars, covering his ears, didn't stop hearing the voice of his mother turn into those of his men, crying out for their captain and questioning why he would let the cyclops live when ruthlessness was mercy.
Odysseus prayed he didn’t hear the cries of the infant from that night. He knew he did what he had to do for the safety of his family and kingdom, but the image of the defenseless baby boy hanging over the wall in a city he would never get the chance to rule over…
Everything went quiet.
The sudden change in temperature made Odysseus gasp. He lowered his hands from his ears and wrapped his arms around himself, his skin cold and damp. No longer was Odysseus in the halls, now he stood outside. His eyes adjusted to the darkness as he continued his walk.
Despite the king trying to find peace knowing he was walking through the kingdom he hadn't seen for so long, Odysseus winced when he heard the sound of crashing waves. Odysseus wasn’t afraid of the water, but everything that had to do with water during the last ten years of his journey home…
Odysseus struggled to take in the fresh night air. He felt a sensation of water rushing in through his nose and mouth, filling his lungs. His hearing became muffled as if water was flooding his ears. Odysseus placed his hands on his knees as he bent forward, focusing on the earth beneath his still bare feet. He was on land. He wasn’t in Troy, Aeaea, Thrinacia, or in Ogygia.
Oh, gods, not in Ogygia.
If he focused on Ithaca, then he wouldn’t continue feeling as though he was drowning. The fierce sea god, Poseidon, hunted him down throughout the years, wanting to see the man get in the water like so many of his men did. Gods, how Odysseus wanted to drown himself when he was in Ogygia. All he wanted to do was close his eyes and not remember the screams.
Odysseus felt a familiar presence by his side. His hearing became clear when he heard a recognizable voice say, “You can relax, my friend.”
Odysseus gasped, suddenly air allowed itself in. The sensation of the warmth of security draped around him once more. Taking a deep exhale, Odysseus straightened his posture and looked at who was by his side. His mouth hung open; his eyes widened.
Standing there was his best friend- Polites, always with a smile on his face. Odysseus’s heart clenched. He knew there was no possible way for Polites to be around. Odysseus saw him die. The cyclops. The club. The air around Polites felt colder than the air around them. Upon a closer look, Odysseus noticed his friend was transparent. A ghost amongst the living.
Odysseus didn’t bother to figure out if this was nothing more than a figment of his imagination or if this was happening in reality. He didn’t care. Polites was here and that was enough for Odysseus.
Polites looked around before focusing on Odysseus. “Seems like a good night for a walk.”
Odysseus didn't bother to open his mouth to tell him the reasoning for him being outside at this hour. He couldn't trust his throat not to close. Instead, Odysseus simply nodded.
Tears pricked behind his eyes. Odysseus took deep inhales, trying his best to calm his rising emotions. He couldn't have his vision go blurry. Odysseus told himself he would trade the world to see his son and wife. In this moment, he would do anything to have Polites be flesh once more.
“Are you going anywhere specifically?” Polites asked.
Odysseus shook his head. He didn't really have a plan; he was simply going wherever his feet took him.
“Let's change that, my friend.” Polites reached for Odysseus's hand before leading the way.
The thing was, because of the state Polites was now in, there was no way for him to hold on to anything. All Odysseus felt when Polites’s hand passed through his own was a breeze of air.
Odysseus sighed as he saw the ghost of his friend walk off. Did Polites know he wasn't capable of holding his friend's hand? Maybe he did, but he attempted anyway because Polites was always the one to bring physical contact in such a loving way.
Rubbing the hand Polites tried to take, Odysseus followed him. He knew as long as Polites was around, Odysseus should feel safe.
***
Homes turned into trees as they walked further away. Odysseus always loved going into the forest when he was a young boy, the countless hours of running and playing with his friends.
Friends that were no longer in the world of the living.
Odysseus stopped in his tracks and leaned against a tree. Breathing heavily, Odysseus wrapped his arms around its trunk, feeling the roughness of the bark under his nails as he began to claw at it. Odysseus opened his mouth, wanting to call out to Polites, the attempt to form words got stuck in his throat. The only noise he could form was a gut-wrenching scream. Odysseus could feel his throat grow raw as the noise continued. Overhead, birds flew. In the distance, animals woke up to run.
Tears burned behind his eyes as they threatened to fall. The sight of Polite’s figure began to grow unfocused. Odysseus couldn’t take the feeling growing behind his eyes any longer, he shut them, letting the tears finally stream down. He felt his legs give away. Bark scratched at Odysseus’s skin as he slid down to his knees on the grass.
Odysseus trembled as he sobbed for everyone- Polites should have returned to be a shining light to everyone; Eurylochus- despite everything he did- should have returned to the waiting arms of his wife, Odysseus’s younger sister, Ctimene. There were 598 other members of his crew. Never again would they hug their loved ones, talk and laugh with company.
Gone. All of them.
Odysseus didn’t lose a single man during the ten years in Troy. At first he made sure to keep them safe during the voyage home, but sacrifices had to be made along the way. Odysseus’s stomach twisted at the memory of Scylla.
Bile rose and burned Odysseus’s throat when he could smell the stench of blood that splattered on the ship as man after man got torn into pieces by that six-headed monster. Those agonizing screams. His eyes were aching from all the tears being shed. His head was pounding. His heartbeat was frantic, it felt like if it was beating any more erratic, it would break free from Odysseus’s chest.
All the moments of standing on the ledge over the ocean in Ogygia came to mind. All he had to do was take one step forward. Odysseus prayed for forgiveness from Penelope and Telemachus. Let Calypso watch. Let Poseidon have his vengeance. All Odysseus wanted was for everything to stop.
Odysseus shivered as he felt a breeze in front of him. A coolness brushed over his hair.
“Odysseus?” The gentle voice of Polites asked over the sound of sniffling.
Odysseus blinked away the tears before wiping them away. As his vision began to grow visible, Odysseus could see Polites crouching to be at his friend's eye level. His arm was raised and reached for the top of Odysseus’s head. So that's what that gentle wind was- Polites’s hand stroking Odysseus's hair as an act of comfort. Well, attempting to do so, anyway.
Not only did Odysseus want to reach up and grip his companion’s hand and feel skin against his own, he wanted to pull Polites in for an embrace and feel his body heat, wanting to be safe in the arms of his best friend.
Odysseus choked on a sob. He closed his eyes and pressed his head against the tree, growing dizzy from the constant flooding of emotion.
“Deep breath in, deep breath out.” Polites instructed.
The act of breathing was simple, Odysseus needed to remind himself of that as he attempted to relax his body enough to not make taking in air a painful experience, it felt like the coldness were harpoons and they were piercing his lungs. Odysseus endured the sharp sensation. This was nothing compared to everything he underwent.
Polites gave Odysseus words of encouragement as Odysseus managed to get his breathing back to the way it was before. Odysseus’s heart went back to its normal rhythm. The pain in his head started to subside, the ache behind his eyes began to dull.
“Are you able to get back on your feet?” Polites asked as he straightened himself back up.
With a groan from having his knees bent for so long, Odysseus managed to stand, still leaning against the tree for balance. Once he was upright, Odysseus stepped away from the tree. His knees shook slightly, and he felt like a newborn deer, but he managed to keep his balance.
Polites grinned. “Great!” He pointed in the direction they were walking towards. “We’re not far. Just through that thicket.”
As the two resumed their walk, Polites filled the silence. He spoke of the past, he sang lyrics to songs they both knew. Odysseus didn’t say anything or join in a chorus. He looked up at his friend and listened. Odysseus couldn’t help but feel an aching pang that shot through his heart. Even in death Polites was full of life. A pang of hurt shot through Odysseus’s heart.
There was rustling behind a nearby bush. Odysseus stepped forward and reached for his side to draw out a sword, only to remember that he wasn’t armed. Stepping out from the foliage was only a small boar. Not looking at the men, the animal trotted to wherever it needed to go.
Polites laughed. “See? Nothing to worry about!”
Odysseus rolled his eyes.
The two went on their way. “Remember that wild boar from when we were kids?”
How could Odysseus ever forget about that? After hearing countless tales from men who tried and failed to capture the wild animal, Odysseus, for the thrill, took on the challenge and brought Polites and Eurylochus along. When the trio found the boar’s den, it glared and started to charge right at them. Odysseus and Eurylochus were able to jump out of its way. Polites, however, tried to move but his muscles wouldn’t give. Without thinking twice, Odysseus jumped in the boar’s way, pushing Polites to the side.
Odysseus was able to take down the boar that day. He would then learn that the boar was sent as a challenge from the unmatched, witty, and queen of battle strategies- Athena.
Odysseus swore he heard the sound of an owl hooting in the distance.
Remembering Eurylochus, Odysseus took a shuddering breath. If he was able to trust himself to speak without choking on his words, he would ask Polites how his second-in-command was. Did he forgive Odysseus for his choice?
“Here we are!” Polites called out, spreading out his arms.
Odysseus knew the place all too well. The clearing. The place Odysseus and Polites always went to. They waited for nightfall to lie on their backs, getting comfortable on the soft grass and gazing upwards at the stars the gods scattered throughout the sky. Eurylochus never joined. He wasn’t the one to sit around, always a man of action.
Just like old times, Odysseus and Polites found a spot. Of course, Polites wouldn't be able to feel the soft grass underneath their backs and legs. Odysseus pushed that reminder aside as he got comfortable.
They looked up to see the full moon surrounded with stars. Polites pointed upwards at different constellations and recited stories of how they came to be.
Constellations were made to celebrate and remember heroes and creatures, those the gods admired and wanted to protect. Odysseus blinked as he stared at the stars. Would he ever become a shape made of stars like all those before him? Or was he too much of a monster because of his actions, and if he was placed amongst the stars nobody would want to look up?
Odysseus shook the thought from his mind and kept his breathing under control. He couldn’t afford to have his vision grow blurry from any more tears. There was one constellation he wanted to see- the little bear, the one that represented Arcas, king of Arcadia, son of the nymph turned bear Callisto.
Odysseus gazed at the tail of the constellation. That was where a very specific star was located. The north star. Before setting sail from Ogygia, Hermes instructed him to follow that specific one when lost.
Ten years of being off-track, and here he was. No longer lost. Odysseus brushed his hands against the blades of grass, taking a deep breath of the air that smelled of trees and faintly of ocean water. The ocean continued to go against the shore, but Odysseus didn’t wince at the sound this time. He was in no danger. He was home.
The two continued to lay in the clearing. Odysseus turned his attention from the north star to the current constellation Polites was talking about. Odysseus made sure to listen to every word Polites was saying. Who knew when his friend would have to go? Odysseus wished it didn’t have to be like this.
Cold air landed on Odysseus’s hand. He turned his head to the side to see Polites looking back with a smile, his hand once again trying to hold Odysseus’s. “I know there’s so much pain inside your heart, but remember, I’ll always be by your side, Ody.”
Odysseus couldn’t hear that nickname and not think about Eurylochus, so tired and hungry, saying it when they were on Thrinacia. “Ody, we’re never gonna make it home.” He remembered how defeated Eurylochus was, how the last of his men were. Odysseus shivered from the thought.
Feeling his emotions starting to rise once again- the familiar sense of his throat on the verge of closing starting to form, the tightening hold on his heart, Odysseus held his gaze on his best friend and focused on what he said to calm himself.
Odysseus nodded. Polites never left his thoughts during his voyage despite having to do things Polites would highly disapprove of when he proclaimed himself a monster. Gods, Odysseus couldn’t even imagine Polites’s reaction. Was his spirit always around and Odysseus never saw or sensed it? To see everything and still consider Odysseus a friend. Polites always saw the best in people.
Eventually, they laid in silence after Polites talked about every constellation he could see. Sitting up, Polites said, “Come on, I’ll guide you home.”
Home to Penelope who was waiting.
When Odysseus and Polites got to their feet, Odysseus followed Polites as if Polites was the north star.
***
“Home sweet home.” Polites said as they reached the entryway to Odysseus’s palace.
Odysseus’s heart sank. Yes, soon he would soon be back to being in the same room as his strong-minded and loving wife, but this would certainly be the moment in which Polites goes. He wanted to thank Polites for being around to keep him company, but of course he couldn’t form the words. Even though Odysseus couldn’t speak, Polites would know what was being unsaid.
Polite’s hand brushed against Odysseus’s shoulder as a way of patting it. “You’ll be okay, my friend.”
Deep breath in. Deep breath out.
Odysseus nodded. He knew that wouldn’t always be true, but he kept those words to heart.
Odysseus attempted to keep his emotions in check when he witnessed Polite’s form disappear. He stared at where his close companion once stood. Odysseus knew even in life, company must leave, why would it be any different in death no matter how hard it hurt? Odysseus wiped away any stray tears that tried to escape. After filling his lungs with the night air, Odysseus walked into his palace.
There were no screams. The only sounds Odysseus heard while walking down the halls to his room were the crackling of torches that hung on the walls and his footsteps against the stone floor.
Before Odysseus knew it, he reached the door that would lead him to Penelope. Without waiting another moment, Odysseus opened the door and marveled at the sight when he stepped inside. Across from the bed was a balcony, Penelope stood upon it, overseeing Ithaca, her hair gently blowing in the wind. This must be what she looked like when she was waiting for him for so long.
By the gods, how he adored her. Years ago, suitors from many kingdoms tried to get the hand of Helen, but when Odysseus caught a glimpse of her cousin, he instantly knew she would be the one. Menelaus would call himself the luckiest one of all for being the one to marry the most beautiful woman that ever lived, but Odysseus would rather think of himself as the most fortunate.
Penelope looked over her shoulder before turning her whole body and giving Odysseus her gentle smile. “Did you have a good walk?”
Odysseus nodded. He kept his eyes on Penelope as she went over to the bed, holding out her arms for him when she got in.
Together they settled into their bed, Odysseus was safe in Penelope’s arms, he once again inhaled the scent of oranges. He closed his eyes, feeling her fingers through his hair and hearing her softly hum.
Odysseus knew the nightmares would never leave. For the rest of his life his mind will bring back encounters with gods and monsters, he’ll always remember his fallen comrades, he’ll always picture himself in that moment in Troy.
In this moment, as he laid next to Penelope, after getting the chance to see and hear Polites once again, Odysseus knew peace.
For the first time tonight, Odysseus smiled.