Chapter Text
So there I was minding my own business as usual, watching Time Defenders Orion in the feed while the bot transport I was hitching a ride on got to where it was going. It had just exited the wormhole into the the Klaggia system when the distress call came in.
Risk assessment and threat assessment both spiked together, which happens less often than you might think.
The bot pilot kindly linked me in to the distress call and I checked it out for signs of corporate raiders up to their usual mischief.
The signal seemed to be coming from some kind of space fauna such as might be found in one of the more outlandish entertainment media shows: a Brobdingnagian insectoid / machine hybrid. (I had to look up that word later.)
I immediately ran a self-diagnostic for hallucinogens, but apparently I was actually seeing what I thought I saw. I ran it past the bot pilot anyway because did I mention I'm paranoid? But it confirmed that the vessel now hailing us identified itself as The Lexx, the most powerful weapon of destruction in 2 universes.
Luckily, I don't have a digestive tract, otherwise I would definitely have pooped myself. As it was, I dropped all my inputs and froze in place for what felt like forever but was according to my internal clock 35.92 seconds. My performance reliability took a ten percent drop into the bargain.
After I regained control of my systems, I paused Time Defenders Orion in order to give this phenomenon my undivided attention.
I checked out the readings the bot pilot was taking and, despite its phenomenal size, it looked like there were only a handful of life forms aboard, excluding the ship itself. I say life forms. I wondered which, if any, was the captain?
I counted:
- One adult human. Gender: Male. Feed id: Stan. Occupation: Security guard class 4. Status: Captain. A bit scrawny in the pictures I was busy hacking from internal cameras, but I try not to judge by appearances.
- One adult human/Cluster Lizard hybrid. Gender: Female. Feed id: Zev. Occupation: Love slave. Status: Hot. She looked really hot, too; why else would she be wearing next to no clothing?
- One adult human. Gender: Male. Feed id: Kai. Occupation: Assassin. Status: Dead. So obviously nothing to worry about there, right? See 1. (In my defence, he was in a Cryochamber where you'd expect a dead body to stay put.)
- One ComfortUnit. Or possibly a robot. Or a robot head. Gender: Male. Feed id: 790. Occupation: Love slave. Status: Impaired. It must have taken some pretty heavy damage, I was honestly surprised it was still operational after all that loving.
- Twenty Moth breeders. Gender: None, Feed id: MB01-MB20. Occupation: Moth breeder. Status: Alive in stasis. Meh.
- Twelve Moths. Gender: Mixed. Feed id: M537-M572 with gaps. Occupation: Transport. Status: Alive. Interesting.
I asked the bot pilot to pretend I was its captain and then I responded to the hail. I asked for the nature of the emergency.
"It's our robot," wailed the female, Zev, while trying to look vulnerable. "It's been attacked by a Cluster Lizard and is in need of urgent repairs."
That certainly checked out. "I'm sending a shuttle with security consultant Rin to assist," I offered. I am such a sucker for a robot in distress.
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I boarded a shuttle and persuaded the ship's bot pilot to direct it to the landing platform near the bridge of the Lexx. Atmospheric checks confirmed that no environmental suit would be necessary. I opened the hatch, released a handful of drones and stepped out.
To my surprise, the dead human assassin, Kai, had left his Cryochamber and was now standing in front of me. Digging into the local feed, it turned out Cryochamber is Lexx-speak for repair cubicle. (Who knew?) He led me to the bridge, where the others were waiting.
Zev spoke first. "I want your body." Well, she was nothing if not direct.
I replied, "Wouldn't it look rather silly with your head on it?" Which I thought was hilarious, by the way.
Robot 790 intervened. "She wants it for me, doofus!"
Stan helpfully explained, "Zev is super horny - the Cluster Lizard part of her is in heat - but Kai is dead from the waist down. And up. Actually all of him. Also, 790 is Zev's love slave, so it makes sense for his head to be attached to your body."
I answered Stan, "What about you? Why can't you satisfy her urges?"
Both Zev and 790 burst out laughing at that point. Stan just looked down at his feet while his facial temperature rose a couple of degrees. Kai did a good impression of a SecUnit by just standing there, impassive.
Zev shook out her long, platinum blonde hair. "So will you help us?" Her body writhed like a ComfortUnit under contract.
"What if I refuse?" Notwithstanding that I wasn't kitted out in that department, I just wanted to see what alternative options were available.
In a flash, the dead assassin Kai drew a sword and swung it at my neck. I barely had time to regret not wearing full body armour.
Catastrophic failure.
Shutdown.