Chapter Text
Muffled music blasted from the speakers outside the bathroom. His memory was hazy, but he felt the dampening embers of pleasure slowly leaving his body. He could still feel the lingering touches of the person he was sharing the moment with, even though they had just left him drunk in a club bathroom.
He’d hooked up with a stranger, a mistake, he’ll admit. But who was he to deny himself a sliver of pleasure in an industry where you have to have a perfectly clean track record, even when it comes to sex? Who were he and his bandmates to deny themselves a little fun with an evening out?
Coming down from the high of finally finishing the promotions for their latest album, they all thought it would be fun to have a night on the town as a group, to let all their stress and worries melt away.
And a night it had been.
After many rounds, shots, dancing and karaoke, Chan sold his dignity for a taste of physical indulgence, not realizing how pent up he had been after weeks of non-stop schedules. He found someone on the dance floor, the alcohol having a heavy influence on his usual no-nonsense attitude, and took them somewhere private.
He didn’t care about much at the moment, only the feeling, the gratification, and the one question he always makes sure to ask:
“Are you clean?”
______________
Chan always knew that he was different. In more ways than one at that.
Firstly, the more glaringly obvious difference between himself and most others in society is that his biology is a little different, he’s intersex. A discovery made when he was quite young actually, a quick annual checkup to the doctor turned into a long winded investigation on what was causing a hormone imbalance in his body.
Turns out he has an extra X chromosome, and some extra organs. Cool. While his biology was a tad different than his peers, externally he appeared as male, had a male puberty, and experienced the same physical changes as his friends growing up. So, he didn’t see himself as anything but male, and often forgot that his layout was a little different.
A lack of cyclic hormonal changes, periods, or bleeding led doctors to believe that those organs were non-functional. Kind of like the vestigial organs we have like the appendix, that are just kind of hanging out there. It was deemed a non-issue. Benign. So, it barely ever crossed his mind. It crossed his mind so little that he even forgot to tell the members, which also wasn’t really an issue.
Another way that he was different was in his sexuality. He found himself attracted to all kinds of people. He doesn’t let his attractions be limited by gender, if a person is nice, that's enough for him. This, his brothers did know.
While it may be different from most of society, it is not so different from his fellow bandmates. The members of Stray Kids were very open about things like this, even coming from a society where it's not as widely accepted to be gay, or LGBTQIA+ in general.
Subtleties and small intentional details in the content they feature in, the way they interact with one another, and their music let fans know that they're a safe space for everyone.
They all have their preferences, some pride themselves on and embrace androgyny like Felix and Hyunjin, don’t give a flying fuck about gender norms like Changbin, or are very vocal about their allyship like Seungmin and IN.
And he was pretty sure that something was going on between Han and Leeknow, but that’s not his story to tell.
Being the leader of Stray Kids has been nothing but a blessing to him for the past five years, a true found family. He doesn’t know where he’d be without them, if he were being honest. These are the people that have gone through the thickest and thinnest together with him. From their early days in the survival show, to now, where they are an established group with countless awards under their belts.
They were just teenagers, so young, learning and navigating the cutthroat industry that they had just been thrust into. The story may not be the same for others, but if anything, all of the hardship they faced together has only made them stronger as a group, and even closer as people.
Now, those seven lovely blessings were there, banging on the bathroom door.
“Chan, what are you doing in there?” yelled Seungmin, “it’s time to go home”.
What was that? He was almost too drunk, tired, and freshly blissed out to comprehend that it was his own bandmates coming to collect him in his sorry state. He can't believe that person just up and left him so suddenly like that. Fucker.
So much for being the level-headed leader that he always was. He wasn’t too familiar with letting loose, letting go of that control that he oh so loved, which is why he normally didn’t drink.
Too late for that now.
“Hyung, let’s go!” Changbin’s voice boomed from the other side, startling Chan. Now that definitely woke him up.
He opened the door to find seven worried faces relaxing, happy to see that he hadn’t gone off and done something entirely stupid.
They were all ready to go home, Han was super drunk and hanging off Leeknow (yeah, there's definitely something going on there), Jeongin looked a little queasy and Felix looked so tired he could pass out. Despite the rather unkempt and disheveled looks of his members, they all seemed to have had a fun night out, which was all that mattered.
After a quick convenience store run to pick up some snacks and sober up, they got back to the dorms around 4am.
To Chan, the early morning hours were usually his bedtime, caused by his difficulty falling asleep (ahem, and his tendency to overwork himself, cough). However due to the copious amounts of alcohol he consumed that evening, he was dead tired and ready to sleep it off.
He would see this evening as nothing more than a small lapse of judgment, a release.
What happened in the bathroom that night would stay in that bathroom.
______________
Turns out what happened in the bathroom that night definitely did not stay in the bathroom.
It didn’t stay in the bathroom so hard that Chan’s whole life was about to change.
Based on how his body felt after waking up the next morning, he was able to deduce that he was with a man that night. Damn, at least he could put a single detail to the person that fucked him and then left right after. Oh well, said man probably didn’t remember their brief moment of passion either.
Whatever.
Life went on after that, Chan swearing never to drink again. His ego was definitely not able to handle his dongsaengs having to drag his drunk ass home in the early hours of the morning, so nope, no more alcohol.
The whirlwind that was their jobs swooped them back up, even after they just finished promoting an album. Time passed as it usually did, practices, recording, producing, some minor performances here and there, as well as a few fashion show appearances.
Almost two months later, Chan started coming down with something.
He noticed he was probably getting a cold when he started feeling more tired than usual. He was no stranger to fatigue given his god-awful sleeping habits, but he’d been feeling just a little bit more exhausted than usual lately.
Oh well, it would probably go away soon.
Nope, wrong. This ailment persisted even a week later.
He woke up from yet another less-than-amazing sleep to a weird feeling in his stomach.
A good breakfast usually helped him feel better when he was sick, so he groggily made his way to the kitchen to find Seungmin, Minho, Jeongin and Changbin starting their days as well, the other members likely still asleep.
“Morning Chan” he heard one of them say from the living room. He hummed in response then made his way into the kitchen.
Changbin was sitting at the dining room table, already having started his breakfast after coming back home from the gym.
Normally Chan would join him in his morning gym sessions, he absolutely loved working out. However, he had been feeling so utterly shit lately that he couldn’t. He misses the routine.
Chan settled at the table across from him, taking a bite out of his toast.
“Feeling better yet Chan?” Changbin asked earnestly, “It’s only been a few days, but I miss you bro”.
He sighed, “working on it man, I’m sure I’ll be back in no time at all, maybe I can come tomorrow?” his best attempt at reassuring his friend.
They chatted and ate, while Minho came from the living room and made his way into the kitchen to start cooking for himself.
“….yeah I hit a new PR the other day but I think I could do more” Chan was listening attentively to Changbin when all of a sudden the smell of eggs hit his senses like a truck.
Minho was cooking eggs.
And oh god. Something was definitely wrong.
He was going to throw up, like right now.
He shot up from his seat, chair screeching behind him, and ran to the bathroom leaving a confused Changbin and Minho in his wake. He had to run through the living room as well, passing by Jeongin and Seungmin sitting on the couch. They both looked at each other, also confused as to what was going on.
Reaching the bathroom with barely a second to spare, he dropped to his knees and threw up his breakfast as well as everything else in his stomach.
Fuck. It was such an awful feeling.
After heaving so much that he felt like he was gonna turn inside out, the good graces of the universe decided to give him a break.
“Jesus Christ Chan- are you okay?” Minho said, running after him. He came to the bathroom and opened the door to Chan all but collapsed on the floor, head leaning on the toilet seat.
Germs could get fucked for all he cared.
“Dude you are definitely not coming to the gym tomorrow” Changbin added, coming up behind Minho in the doorway with a glass of water in hand.
“Yeah, probably not…” he responded wearily from the bathroom floor, accepting the glass and taking a sip.
“I think you should go see a doctor hyung, you only seem to be getting worse” Minho added.
“Yeah, I definitely will….” when I get the time.
He didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence before he was sick again.
Back in the living room, Seungmin and Jeongin were still sitting on the couch, listening to the commotion.
“Oh god, what if Chan has mono or something” Jeongin thought aloud.
“There's no way-” Seungmin responded from across the couch, an incredulous look on his face at how the maknae could think something like that.
“C’mon, we all know he was getting freaky in the club bathroom that night”
He did have a point there.
______________
In true Chan I’ll-take-care-of-everyone-else-but-not-myself fashion, he did not visit the doctor when he got the time. He was living on the hope that this little sickness would just go away on its own, that he could push through it.
He didn’t want his members worrying about him, so for the next two weeks, he tried to be sick as privately as he possibly could. Whenever he felt the nausea creeping up, he would conveniently excuse himself to go to the washroom, go get something, or ‘take a call’. He would then proceed to throw his guts up and then waltz back in like nothing happened.
Gaslight. Gatekeep. Girlboss. Isn’t that how it goes?
Well unfortunately he can’t girlboss his way out of hiding this seemingly never ending sickness from his team forever.
They were practicing a group choreo in the practice room for a couple of hours. He was feeling a bit nauseous at the beginning but decided to stick it through. Some of the members gave him worried glances, but decided to trust his judgment when it came to his own health.
Two hours in, he started feeling light headed, the edges of his vision blurring slightly.
After finishing another full-out round of a very physically involved dance, he was really starting to feel weird.
“Hey guys, I think I need to sit down for a minute” he said as his vision blurred even more.
“Chan, you don’t look so good…” Hyunjin added, already sitting on the floor.
“I’m fine” he tried to reassure “I just need a minute to-”
That's when his axis tilted and then everything went black.
“CHAN!”
Luckily, Changbin was right beside him and was able to catch him on his way down, strong arms lowering him slowly to the ground.
“Someone call an ambulance!” Changbin yelled from where he was sitting on the floor holding Chan.
Minho went into the hallway to call an ambulance and Han went with him to call JYP to let him know what happened.
Chan started coming back a few moments later, blinking against the bright lights.
“What…” he looked around, confused as to why he was on the floor and why everyone was looking at him.
Hyunjin sat across from him “Chan you just fainted!” he said, extremely worried “Are you feeling okay?”
Was he feeling okay? That's a great question. His head was pounding, he was utterly exhausted, nauseous and now he had just fainted. He was definitely not okay.
“Yeah, I’m fine-” Chan was about to answer when Felix interrupted him.
“Chan, you are not okay!” He said to him in English “You just fainted for Christ’s sake!”
Yeah, Felix was right.
Minho and Han came back into the room. “The ambulance will be here shortly” he said to everyone.
“PD-nim has also been informed” Han added.
A few minutes later, he started to feel slightly better. He felt that an ambulance was a little overkill, but the members were not gonna take no for an answer.
As the second oldest and as the one who called the ambulance, it was decided that Minho would go to the hospital with Chan.
______________
Chan now found himself in a hospital bed hooked up to an IV for fluids because he was dehydrated. Makes sense since he hasn’t been able to keep anything down for the past two weeks.
A nurse took a blood and urine sample for analysis, hoping to find the reason for why Chan fainted.
Minho sat at a chair beside the bed, staying to make sure that Chan was okay.
The doctor came in a while later, hopefully bringing some answers.
“Hello Mr. Bang, how are you feeling?” She asked, clipboard in hand.
“I’ve been better…” he responded with a tired sigh.
She smiled at him sympathetically “Well, I’ve come back with the results of your blood and urine tests, and I’d like to discuss them with you. This is personal information so-”
“I can leave if you’d like, Chan” Minho said from where he was sitting beside the bed, moving to stand up.
“No it’s okay, you can stay” Chan said and he sat back down.
“Okay great, so from both tests we can see that your hCG levels are higher than normal, which can be caused by a multitude of things. Would you mind telling me a bit about what symptoms you’ve been experiencing lately? That might help us narrow things down” she said and Chan nodded.
He explained to her the fatigue he’s been experiencing, the near constant nausea, and how oddly enough his chest has been a bit sore lately.
“Sore how? Like tenderness?” She asked him.
“Yeah, kind of like touching a bruise?” He said unsurely as she noted that down.
She then left the room, explaining that she would like to look over his file again and would come back soon with an answer.
“Damn Chan, you're always good at what you do, even being sick. You’ve got the doctor stumped.” Minho said with a small laugh, trying to bring up the mood.
“Yeah… I guess so" he said, scratching the back of his head.
Minho’s expression then changed into something a bit sadder. “Really though Chan, you’ve been dealing with this all by yourself for so long” he began to scold the leader “You can trust us to take care of you when you’re not feeling well”
Before Chan could refute or make an excuse, the doctor came back to the room in a rush.
“I’m so sorry, but it seems I missed something really important in your file…. you’re intersex, correct?” she asked him.
“Yes, that's right” he answered. It’s okay if Minho knew, he trusted the members with his life, and knowing this about him really wouldn’t change much between them.
Minho just sat there, a confused look on his face. He had no idea what that meant.
“Okay, this changes things” she said with a pensive look “In that case, I have an important question to ask you, and please be honest”
Sure, it's probably not anything that embarrassing.
“Are you sexually active?”
His ears reddened.
______________
He now found himself in a separate room with an ultrasound technician, the doctor also there.
He was laying down on a table with his shirt pulled up, Minho once again finding a seat beside the bed.
“Okay, we’re just going to take a quick look at what’s going on in there, nothing to be afraid of” The doctor told him, her concentrated face betraying her kind words.
The technician warned him of the cool gel that was going to be put on his stomach, yet he still flinched from the chill.
“You might feel a little pressure, I have to push down a little bit” the technician warned.
As she moved the wand around looking for god knows what, Chan’s mind was racing. What if one of his organs exploded and he needed surgery to take it out? What if he was dying? Oh god, he can’t imagine how much time he’d have to take off work for that.
His mind continued to wander to all kinds of disturbing conclusions when the technician seemed to have found what she was looking for, pointing at the screen.
Chan and Minho had no idea what they were looking at, the screen a collection of gray blobs.
His innards looked like an abstract painting. If this situation wasn’t so terrifying, he would’ve found that funny.
“I think this may be what’s causing his symptoms,” she said, looking at the doctor and zooming in on a small gray blob inside the bigger one.
The doctor stood there stunned, eyes wide.
Now that really scared the shit out of Chan.
“Mr. Bang, just to double check what your file said, you’ve never experienced any kind of menstrual cycle or bleeding, correct?” she asked.
“No, I haven’t” He responded from the table, still very much confused.
“How is this possible…” she said, almost entirely to herself.
The doctor’s obvious hesitation made Chan and Minho even more worried. What could possibly be so wrong with him that the doctor is reacting like this?
Minho was tired of waiting.
“Doctor, please tell us what’s wrong with him” Minho vocalized aloud from his seat impatiently.
Hesitantly, she began to speak “Well I’m not sure how this is possible, but Mr. Bang, it appears as though you’re pregnant. That little dot right there is your baby” she said, pointing to the screen.
What?
Pregnant? Him?
Surely she's wrong.
“Well, the results from your blood test and the symptoms you’ve been experiencing lately all align with what we usually see in early pregnancy” she stated matter-of-factly “and the ultrasound just gave us physical evidence of it… I’m still not sure how it happened, but that is your baby right there”
There’s no fucking way. A baby? Inside him?
“I’m sorry, he’s what?” Minho said in disbelief, unable to grasp what he was hearing.
Chan just laid there in shock, also not being able to comprehend the bomb that the doctor just dropped on him.
“But how is this possible?” he asked in disbelief “I’ve been told my whole life that I’m infertile”
The doctor thought for a second, a concentrated look on her face “The only logical explanation that I can think of right now is that your female reproductive organs were dormant and then only recently became active, like a late onset puberty” she answered to the best of her ability.
Wow, okay. Breathe Chan. But seriously, what the actual fuck?
“While your case is very unique and we don’t see this happen very often, you do have options” she informed him “you can either choose to keep the pregnancy or terminate it. Should you choose to keep it, due to your special circumstances we unfortunately can’t guarantee your body will be able to handle carrying to term, or be sure of what complications may arise”
“And how long do I have to make a decision like that?” he asked.
“You appear to be measuring around 8 weeks, and the latest for a non-invasive termination is 12 weeks, so roughly a month” she said “however if that is something you’d like to proceed with, sooner is always better”
8 weeks? He’d been sharing his body with this little thing for that long and he didn’t even know?
So many thoughts were running through his head. He can’t have a child right now, it shouldn’t even be possible! He’s never even thought about having kids and now he has to make a decision like this? There’s no room in his life for a kid, he’s the leader of Stray Kids for god’s sake. He has seven kids already! There’s also no way of knowing what it would do to his body, and-
“I think he needs some time to think about this” Minho interjected before Chan could spiral too much. Bless him and his level-headedness. Chan would have to thank him for that later.
The technician cleaned the gel off his stomach, and the doctor sent them on their way, telling Chan to get back to her with his decision as soon as possible.
The ride home was silent. Minho shot Chan a few worried glances but Chan was far too in his head to even notice.
Just before they were about to arrive back at the dorms, Chan looked at Minho and only then did Minho really see just how exhausted their leader was. His under eyes were dark, he was pale, and he had a distant look in his eyes that Minho had never seen him have before. He looked so sick and it broke Minho’s heart.
“Please don’t tell the others about this… they can’t know” Chan said to him, fear evident in his voice.
Minho's heart broke even more.
“Your secret is safe with me”
______________
Upon arriving home, Chan went straight to his room.
All the other boys were waiting and eager to hear if he was all right. Minho told them that he just had a bad case of the flu, and needed some time to rest it off.
In his room, he stood in front of his full length mirror and pulled his shirt up while turning to the side, running a hand over his flat stomach. Externally he looked the exact same as when he woke up this morning, but internally he was a mess.
He was struggling to wrap his head around this newfound information, and he felt like he was gonna throw up again.
He let his hands fall, pulling his shirt back down and going to lay in his bed. He needed to think about this.
After hours of contemplation, he came to his conclusion. The doctor did say that sooner was better.
He was given a few days off to rest, so he hoped that would be enough time to bounce back.
He gave the doctor a call, then shot Minho a text to let him know of his decision. Chan felt that he had the right to know, since he was there with him when he found out.
His termination appointment would be in two days' time.
______________
Chan spent the next morning hunched over the toilet.
The members fussed over him before they left for their schedules, worried for their leader.
“Chan, are you sure you’ll be okay alone here? One of us could stay with you” Changbin said from the doorway.
“Yeah! We could give you cool towels and make soup for you” Han piped up beside him.
God he loved them, they always had his back. But, he needed to be alone today. That and they had work to do.
Just as he was going to answer that he’d be fine by himself, Minho spoke from the hallway “C’mon guys, he can take care of himself. We don’t want you getting sick too”. They all agreed and Minho ushered them out the door, giving Chan a small smile before closing the door.
How many times does he have to say it? Bless Minho.
Chan spent the majority of the day resting, attempting to combat his nausea, and doing some light work on his laptop.
The day went by quickly but come nighttime he was restless, not able to fall asleep until very late. It's okay though, because all of this would be behind him tomorrow.
No more nausea, no more being sick, he would be back to himself.
Sleep eventually took him, and before he knew it, he was in the car the next morning on the way to his appointment.
A manager insisted on taking him to his appointment, but he was adamant on going alone. At least, that's what Chan told him. He didn't want anyone from the company coming, because they would ask for details. To them this was no more than a bad case of the flu, and he intended to keep it that way.
Although they thought he was going alone, he was actually being driven by Minho, who insisted on going with him for moral support.
After sending his text to tell him of his decision two days ago, he immediately got a response:
Chan, you are not doing this alone.
So, his accidental personal confidant in this situation was bringing him to what would be the end of it.
Make a right at the next intersection.
Chan looked out the window, his mind racing.
When he really did think about it, he did think he wanted kids of his own in the future. But the timing was way off, and he never thought in a million years that he’d be capable of carrying them himself. His heart and his head were in very different places. Deep down, selfishly, he wanted to keep it, to try, see where this takes him. But logically he knew that it was impossible. He didn’t even know who the other parent was for god's sake, and there's no way that he could do this alone.
Your destination is on the left.
But, would he really be alone?
Minho brought the car to a stop, startling Chan out of his trance. They got out of the car and started making their way to the hospital doors.
No, he wouldn't be alone, he has seven of the best brothers in the world that would support him through anything. This little one would be so loved.
He put his hand up to grab the door handle, Minho following behind him. Right before opening the door, he hesitated.
“Chan, what's wrong?”
He would not be alone.
“Minho, I can’t do it.”
“What?” Minho looked at him confused.
Tears started welling up in Chan’s eyes, his hand falling off the handle as he turned to face Minho.
“...I can’t do it” He started to cry more.
“Oh, Chan” Minho said, his face softening. He brought Chan in for a hug, feeling how much their leader was shaking.
“I…I want to try” He said between sobs. Why was he crying so much suddenly? Must be the hormones. The pregnancy hormones. That, he would never get used to.
Minho pulled them to the side, still embracing him.
Luckily they were wearing casual clothes, so people walking by were not able to tell that two members of Stray Kids were standing there outside the hospital. They also had no idea that one of them had just made a decision that would change his whole life.
Minho kept holding him as he cried. Chan wasn't even sure how comfortable he was dealing with vulnerable, emotional moments like this, but Minho had been there from the start. He knew the others would be too.
“Well, I guess congratulations are in order then, Chan. You’ve got lots of people to tell now, yeah?”