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Charlie wasn't unfamiliar with nightmares and day terrors. He had a wealth of trauma collected from his years in Tonys care, but he did think he had it handled. Jeff may not agree with his coping mechanism, referring to it as his 'Robot mode' but it let Charlie function and carry out his duties and function in his day-to-day life. Unfortunately for Charlie though, he'd noticed it was no longer working as well as it used to. He'd woken up several times in the last couple of weeks, leaving Charlie drained and slightly irritated at everything. The worst thing by far for Charlie though, was the comparison his mind was making between Tony and Babe, taking his memory of Babe telling him he was disappointed and overlapping it with all the moments Tony and his handlers had spoken those words at him. The explosive anger Babe had displayed during the lead up to Tonys death reminiscent of the mood swings Tony would have when Charlie couldn't perform. Sighing Charlie blinked into the darkness before reaching for his phone; the display showing 3am. Another early start to the day. Extracting himself from Babe's clingy embrace was not an easy task, more so because Charlie wanted to bury himself in those arms and escape reality for a while but that was not his way. He padded quietly to the bathroom, thinking he could have a quick shower and get started on some editing before rejoining Babe in bed to wake the man up. It had become his habit to return to Babe; leaving his lover unaware he'd already been awake for, at times, hours.
The warm water did wonders for Charlie's tense muscles but not his tiredness. He stood there under the spray for some time, head pressed into the tiles. Awareness slipped away for Charlie as he stood there until he came back to find himself on his knees, the water colder and another body beside him.
"Charlie, baby, can you hear me?"
Why was Babe in the shower with him? Why was he so cold? His equilibrium shifted; Charlie clenched his eyes shut tighter and could not keep the groan in as all his limbs protested the movement. Something soft was caressing his skin, it sent tingles alone his nerves.
‘It was a pleasant feeling’ Charlie mused, ‘but he was still cold. And Babe was talking again.’
"Why were you having a cold shower at 4am Charlie?"
‘4am? It was - Babe should be sleeping.’
"Are you sick baby?" Babe kept talking despite getting no proper verbal response from Charlie; wanting to coax something from his lover. Babe wasn't sure what had woken him but hearing the shower running had him checking the clock before rising to go investigate. Finding an incoherent Charlie slumped against the wall of the shower floor was not what his expectation had been. He'd been quick to turn the cold water off but his words fell on seemingly deaf ears.
They were apparently out of hot water, so Babe settled for towel drying Charlie off and then bundling him into bed, dressed in Babe’s sweatpants and shirt. Pressed against Babes chest Charlie looked up at him with hooded eyes, his cheeks dusted red with fever.
"Are you back with me yet puppy?" It seemed the answer was no as those gorgeous eyes were tucked away, Charlie's breathing deepening. Babe pulled Charlie ever closer, it hadn't escaped his notice that his sweet caring Charlie had been more irritable and tired lately. He had been trying to find a way to talk about it with him, but Babe knew he sucked at feelings. Now though, he couldn't ignore it any longer, come morning Babe would order them breakfast; serve it to Charlie in bed and coax the problem out of him. Mind made up Babe settled down to join Charlie in slumber. Morning abruptly introduced itself to Babe when Charlie reefed himself out of Babes arms. Babe was quick to follow Charlie to the bathroom when he heard the retching. He held a damp washer to Charlie's head and gently rubbed his back as he lost his last meal in the porcelain bowl.
When Charlie was able to stop for longer than a few minutes he uttered a pitiful "Sorry." to Babe that saddened Babe greatly.
"I think we need to talk."
Babe didn't know if it was the words or the way he said it, but he knew he'd done something wrong as Charlie paled further and tears gathered in his eyes.
"I'm sorry, I'll do better. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. Please don't send me away again."
Charlie pleaded frantically and Babe was vividly reminded of every time he'd lost control and sent Charlie from his side. He went to pull Charlie into hug only to have the love of his life flinch away, a look of fear adorning his face.
"Charlie?" Babe whispered, hurt by the action. But Charlie was lost to his waking nightmare.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Please don't hurt me. I'll do better I promise." The words were fractured by sobs, stutters and random gasps for air that had Babe reaching forward again. They weren't so far apart but it seemed a terrible distance when Charlie pulled back again, the wash cloth left discarded on the ground.
"Charlie, Puppy, it’s me Babe.. I won’t hurt you. I'm not mad. I promise. Please let me hug you."
"Babe?" Charlie's sniffles tugged at Babe's heartstrings. He sat back and open his arms wide.
"Hug?" Babe begged again. He needed to hold his lover. Charlie eyed the man in front of him, trying to will the image of Tony to stop overlapping Babe's face. He felt sick to his stomach, the level of fear and panic still high in his system. He hadn't meant to wake Babe, hadn't wanted to disturb him in the slightest. He hadn’t meant to lose control. Charlie focused on the hard tiles under his knees, breathing deeply to gain some measure of control. Babe's arms did look inviting though and eventually Charlie could help but lurch forward to crash into Babe's hold.
The dam broke and Charlie burst into more tears; it had been years since he'd cried this much. Babe held him tight until the tears slowed.
"Can we move to the bed darling? Is that Ok." He sounded so unbelievably soft; Charlie felt his heart steady and the last remnants of Tony faded away.
"Yeah, bed sounds good." Charlie murmured, leaning heavily on Babe as he lifted him up. Slow steps gave Charlie time to centre himself, though the panic was lurking just behind his calm facade.. Babe didn't let go of him even after they were sat, once again, on the bed, his grounding presence a strength for Charlie. When Babe sighed Charlie knew this was the moment he'd been dreading.
"Charlie, we need to talk."
Charlie would thank Babe for letting him go gently and for their time together.
"I know you've been having trouble sleeping." Babe continued unaware of Charlie's inner thoughts.
'The moment my world crashes down.'
"Can we talk about it? I want to help."
"Wait what?” Charlie accidently voiced out loud.
"I know I haven't done the best at talking things through in past, but I want to be better now, be better for you.” Babe’s straight forward earnestness made Charlie blush.
"You're already the best." Charlie mumbled shyly ducking his head. A finger lifted him again by the chin.
"I definitely am not if you can't tell me what’s wrong. Did I do something?"
"No!” Everything was Charlie's fault.
"Hey, look at me Charlie, please don't hide from me. Let’s start simple ok, do you know why you can't sleep?"
Babe was serious about Charlie; he wouldn't let the conversation be derailed even by the man himself. When Charlie didn't answer Babe nudged his shoulder.
"Nightmares." Charlie relented a little, he could never deny Babe after all.
"Tell me about them. Can you do that?” Babe coaxed.
Charlie stared at Babe; ‘how much should he say?’ "I dream of Tony." A simple answer, "Of how I was raised." ‘Why did he add more?’
"Did Tony know you had a gift?" Charlie shook his head. "He suspected, which is why he adopted me, but since it wasn't a gift I could display, and as often my punishment was isolation, there wasn't a lot of chances for him to see me with others." It was a lot of words shared very quickly but Babe was able to understand the sentiment.
"Were there other punishments?"
Charlie could only nod, trying hard to keep himself in the present, conscious of the tears once again falling down his cheeks. He was pulled into Babe's side.
"He's gone now. He can't hurt us anymore." It was reassuring to hear it said but Charlie had seen the man die and that hadn't stopped the terrors plaguing him.
"What else hmm?" Babe said softly, invitingly.
"I...” Charlie paused, swallowing, “I see him everywhere....... He's there in my dreams and when I'm awake. He haunts me. My eyes are open and he's still here.” The tears were silent; Charlie's tone bland, the words spoken almost easily and without care. Babe knew better though; he hated hearing Charlie shut down his emotions.
"Your allowed to be upset Charlie, it sounds horrible." He gently played with the hair on Charlie's nape.
Babe was unsure how much more to push Charlie but perhaps all in one go would be cathartic.
"We can work on it together, come to me when you need his death confirmed."
"I can't."
"Charlie why? Why can't you come to me?!" Unconsciously Babe tightened his grip and Charlie ripped himself away.
"I'm sorry, I can't. I'm sorry." Charlie's panicked mantra was restarting. A wounded cry pulled him sharply back into reality, his eyes rapidly roving over Babe in search of what had caused his distress.
"Babe? What’s wrong?"
Babe wanted to laugh hysterically but only another small cry slipped out. Just moments before his Charlie had been flinching away and panicking, now with Babe in need he was steadfast once more.
"Babe?" Charlie moved to gather Babe into his arms.
"You’re afraid of me.” Babe was reanalysing all their interactions, how many times had he scared his beloved?
"No Babe that’s not true, I..."
"Charlie you flinched away from me; twice! I.. Have I been? No of course I have. I shoved you into a locker, a wall." Every harsh moment he’d subjected Charlie to was on display for his mind to witness.
"Babe, that’s not...."
"I yelled at you so much."
"I kept things from you.” Charlie justified.
"Papa it’s not ok. I should have realised sooner."
"I didn't want you to send me away again. I hid it from you. It's my fault." Charlie pressed Babe tightly into his chest but his lover pulled back to claim his lips for a bruising kiss that left Charlie reeling.
"I will never make that mistake again. I will never send you away, I will not be without you." Babe searched Charlie's face, desperate to see acceptance there, to see a lack of fear lurking in the depth of his lover’s eyes. "Do you understand Puppy? It’s you or no one for me. I'm so sorry I hurt you, you need to call me on that, ok? Don't let me get away with it." Another kiss. "You are safe to tell me I'm being a jerk.” Babe said it lightly but earnestly and Charlie heard the sadness behind it. Still hesitant but resigned because when could he ever deny Babe?
“Tony used to send me away to my room when I couldn't please him. Couldn't get my gift to show. And then he would call me back and we'd go through it all over again."
Babe pulled Charlie to lie his head in his lap but didn't speak, determined to let Charlie get it all out. "I was so alone that in the beginning I really wanted to please him. I thought if I tried hard enough, he'd love me. He'd stop sending me away to that windowless room."
Babe hated the cold lifeless voice coming from his baby's lips.
"When I realised it was safer to not have powers I hid them so carefully, endured the countless tests. Giving me to Jeff was the best thing Tony ever did for me."
"He gave you to Jeff?!" Babe could help the exclamation. Charlie rolled over to stare up at Babe.
"He thought putting us together might show a positive result. I was an enticement for Jeff. He'd get company and hopefully predict the future."
"I'm sorry." There wasn't anything else Babe could say. Tonys actions were barbaric and not for the first time Babe wondered how things would be different had his own gift not be so prominent.
"I wish I'd met you earlier.” Babe confessed.
"Why?" The genuine question in Charlie's tone was just so sad. Babe pressed a kiss to Charlie's forehead, gaze soft.
"Because you coming into my life, allowing me to love you, was the best thing to ever happen to me." His hand cupped Charlie’s cheek, thumbing stroking gently, "I will change but you need to hold me accountable love. Tell me when I'm getting out of line, tell someone and let them deal with me; Jeff or Alan."
Babe desperately needed Charlie to seek protection when he needed it.
"I know you said you can't but we could start small, I can talk to Alan with you. He'd want to know we're struggling and, it's ok to struggle my love." Babe was hoping he was saying the right things in the moment.
"I can go see someone professional, work on my issues." Charlie's prolonged silence was worrying for Babe. "What do you say Love? We give it a try?"
"I don't want you to change. I love you as you."
"Let’s not look at it as change then, how about we see it as getting better." Maintaining eye contact with Charlie, Babe could only hope his sincerity was showing. He rocked Charlie a bit, giving him a squeeze. "Hmmm?"
"I don't want Alan to have to lie to Jeff."
"Jeff will only want to support you.... and maybe murder me." Charlie's laugh made the whole conversation worth it, he felt he hadn't heard that beautiful sound in forever.
"We'll do this yeah?" Charlie's tiny nod got him thoroughly ravished by Babe and when they were both lying boneless in the bed panting from exertion, Charlie found himself slowing drifting back to sleep. For once Babe was curled around him, making him feel stupidly soft inside. Later they would go speak with Alan and start what Babe had called 'their healing journey'. But for now, they would sleep; sleep some more and then tackle the tough stuff together later on.
"Go to sleep.." Babe mumbled, pulling Charlie closer. The following sleep was by far the best Charlie had gotten in a while, Babe consistently shushing him back to slumber whenever he got restless. Later they met up with Alan, and consequently Jeff, where Babe explained what was going on; asking the older man to help keep him in check. Jeffs glare was short lived in the face of his brother’s sad eyes and the suggestion of therapy. Alan was understandably concerned Charlie hadn't been able to come to him and was quick to reassure the young man he'd done nothing wrong. He did ask whether Charlie wanted sometime off but Charlie grudgingly admitted he needed to be busy or he'd slip further without a way to keep his mind occupied. The day felt both draining and yet such a huge relief for Charlie. Deciding to be bold he said as much to Babe, drawing his lover against him on the couch.
"I love you. "Babe responded, "We're going to make this work."
A promise for a lifetime that was sealed with a kiss.