Work Text:
GOT-green-eggs-and-HAM: Guuyyyyyssssszzzzzzz. Guys. You will NEvEr believe what I just SAW outside of my bat-damn window at ASS FUCK IN THE MORNING.
ok so. There’s a bit of a gang war happening. It’s v annoying. And just like. DISRUPTIVE yaknow? My sleep schedule has been taken out to Crime Alley and shot.
The one (1) good thing about this whole nightmare has been lots of shots of the Bats and Birds. (That gif of Nightwing doing that thing with his thighs that I’ve been sharing every gosh darn chance I get? 🤤 #blessed) And I am SO PISSSSSED that I DID NOT HAVE MY PHONE FOR THIS MOMENT!! !! ! So you’ll just have to trust me that it HAPPENED and I was a WOTNESS.
N E WHEY
Right below my apartment there’s a weird sort of like… avenue? alley?? (Is there a word for bigger than an alley but not quite a street??) and shit proceeded to Go Down between some of Black Mask’s goons and Spoiler 💜.
It’s 3 v1.
My girl is Kicking ASSS.
when suddenly like FIVE MORE guys show up
And one of them has a- I kid you not- fuckin FLAMETHROWER 🔥.
So I see my girl go into a purple donut, cape firmly wrapped around herself (protect your beautiful body, boo) (so glad Batman invested in fireproof accessories for you), awash in flame, goons jeering and waving guns around (poor muzzle etiquette, smh), when BAM
superhero landing
Red Hood lands ON TOP!!!!! of Flamethrower Guy. He’s smushed. Hood is LORG. Half the goons sCATTER to the WINds and the other half try.. idk lol, they try. It goes. BADLY— for them (HA!) because Hood proceeds to Fuck. Them. Up.
But not like… kill them. Because he don’t do that no more (Batdad needs to stop yelling at him about that ☹️). SO blam blam blam!!! they limp away, scattering to the winds (or warehouses most likely, lol).
So with bullets and flames no long flyin about, I crack open my window and HEAR THIS:
Spoiler: “I had it handled you know.” (She takes a step toward Hood)
Hood: “I know.” (Shrugs, takes a step toward her) “But since I was in the neighborhood, I thought it’d be nice to not leave you in the middle of the heat.”
Spoiler: *dramatic sigh* “Yeah, thanks.”
Hood: (stepping wayyy into her personal space) *puts his knuckle UNDER HER CHIN<<< 👀* “Hey. I got you. You’re good.”
*SILENT INTENSE STARING* note: they are both fully masked/ helmeted AND YET the longing was PALPABLE
Me in the window: (soft gasp, whispering) “now kiss”
Aaand then the fricken BATMOBILE rolled up and they both dashed away into the night.
What. W H A T did I just WITNESS???? On my honor, this transcription s FAITHFUL and ACCURATE.
Since when are Hood and Spoiler a thing??? Are they DATING???? Are they just hooking up?? Is this a FWB sitch???
Gotham side of Tumblr, HELP ME.
R3d-Rob1n-Offical:
@GOT-green-eggs-and-HAM lol where have you been, Metropolis? Yeah, they are legit dating. Drives Batman inSANE. Catwoman thinks it’s funny, tho
*
Blaise shoved his phone into his coworker’s face. “See? Look at that!” He fumbled with his chef’s coat.
“Dude, I’m working here,” sighed Bernard in exasperation, knife in his hand. He glanced at Blaise’s phone. Snickering, his eyes tense, he nudge Blaise away. “Send that to me.”
“Yeah, duh, man.” Blaise pulled his phone back and started typing, missing Bernard rolling his eyes. “But seriously, do you think it’s really Red Robin?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t be surprised,” came the dry response. “And yeah, man, Spoiler and Hood have been dating for months. My boyfriend and I caught them making out weeks ago at that food truck thing.”
Blaise’s jaw dropped open. “What the hell and why didn’t you mention that to me?”
Bernard shrugged. “Eh. It’s not the first time.”
“WHAT.”
“It’s Gotham, man.”