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Everyone has their own definition of “close.” It’s the measuring tool for romance, or friendship, or heartache. How close you feel with someone defines your relationship, and is there to help you interpret your feelings on that relationship.
Salt wasn’t very close with OJ. At some level, she must have known that. They were just as close as OJ was comfortable with, which was much too far away for her. She knew they were supposed to be closer, and that was one of the few things in her life she knew for certain. That was her brand of love, and her love was her curse. Without it, she had nothing going for her.
OJ was close with Paper. Salt should have known that. She may have been the only person in the whole hotel that didn’t. Salt was never jealous of Paper. She never thought that she should be. She didn’t think that they were close in the way that she wanted to be close with OJ, she just knew they were closer than she and him may ever be. It didn’t make her jealous, it just made her sad, and she didn’t know how to express that, and maybe she was a bit passive aggressive to Paper because of it.
Salt and Pepper were “close,” but not in the way that Salt and OJ were, much to Salt’s dismay. On the other end, they also weren’t close in the way that OJ and Paper were, much to Pepper’s.
Pepper was very good at keeping things “normal,” however real that was. They all had their patterns, and she was getting used to the routines they all began to fall into. Within any typical day at the hotel, Salt would express her emotions towards OJ (sometimes going a little too far), OJ would tell her off or just tell her to go away, and then she would always end up at Pepper’s side to complain and seek comfort. It was a system everyone could work with, and there were even some insurances built into it. If Salt ever crossed a line with OJ, he could call Pepper, and she would drag her away to do something else. If Pepper ever felt too ignored, she would talk to her gossip buddy Paper until the subject changed and she was thoroughly distracted. And, most importantly, Pepper never had to worry about any of Salt’s feelings being reciprocated because OJ was close with Paper.
The four of them had their little routines, and the system was perfect in the way that no one was truly happy, but it kept everyone from being too angry. Everyone had their patterns, and no one dared stray.
It wasn’t Pepper’s fault she got too close.
The hotel was known for its impeccable management. It wasn’t often when something fell apart, and on the off chance it did, it was usually fixed within the hour. OJ may have stressed himself out too much managing, but damn if he wasn’t on top of things. There was only one person he was a little more hesitant to help out, and it always resulted in Pepper getting the short end of the stick.
It was halfway into winter, and the heater in Salt and Pepper’s room broke. Pepper knew that OJ had the part to fix it (Paper had told her as much earlier that day), but while OJ was trying to clean a weird spot off the counter after lunch, Salt had almost tried to hug him, and he wasn’t the type to let things slide.
Pepper was. She loved Salt. She was her best friend in the whole world, and she was always going to be by her side. It didn’t matter what Salt did, she could destroy the world and Pepper would be there to pick up the pieces. That was Pepper’s brand of love.
She stared at her ceiling and thought about this as Salt rambled about something she wasn’t paying attention to. She zoned back in when Salt asked for her affirmation.
“Right, Pepper?” she called.
Pepper rolled onto her side. These late night talks they had always gave her the perfect view. There Salt was, gracefully laying on her own bed with her springy white curls fanned out perfectly over her pillow. Goosebumps from the cold prickled all over her body. She was donned in her two piece babydoll pajama set, a matching white silky pair of shorts and spaghetti-strapped tank top with pink lace around all of the edges that was just short enough to be considered immodest to be worn in public.
Pepper herself had an almost identical set, but with gray silky fabric and purple lace instead. It was one of her favorite things to wear. She loved when she got to match with Salt. It made her feel closer.
She studied the way Salt was laying down. She didn’t even need to ask who she had been talking about. She could read her body language perfectly. It was one of her favorite games, because she was always right. Salt wasn’t fiddling with the hem of her top, so she definitely wasn’t talking about OJ or complaining about Paper. She wasn’t tugging at her hair, so she wasn’t talking about Trophy or Knife. Her left arm was splayed over her stomach, and her right was sitting above her on the pillow. If both her arms were above her, she would have been complaining about Taco, Nickel, or Balloon, and if both were on her stomach she would have been talking about someone she was neutral towards (probably Suitcase or Paintbrush). This halfway motion meant it was someone in between, someone she was annoyed with, but not enough to hate. Pepper’s best guess would probably be Lightbulb or Test Tube.
“Yeah, I like, can’t believe her,” she said, taking a gamble.
“I know, right?! Like usually her weird little experiments or whatever are fine, but I swear girl, it smelled so bad I could taste it in our dinner.”
Test Tube. She was right. “Ugh, me too! You’d think she’d be considerate enough to at least not do all that stuff in the kitchen of all places.”
“Exactly! She should have like, totally fixed our heater for ruining garlic bread for me forever.” Salt sighed. “Or she could have asked OJ to do it.”
That was another game Pepper made up in her head: how long it took before Salt started talking about OJ. It didn’t matter how unrelated the starting topic was, it always came back to him.
“Salty-Salt, he already said he didn’t have the part,” Pepper huffed.
“Oh believe me girl, I know what he said. But like, he’s a smart guy, I’m sure he could figure it out. He won the show for a reason, you know.”
“Uh, huh,” Pepper said flatly. Maybe it was just the cold, but she was more irritated with Salt’s lovestruck ramblings than usual. She pulled out her phone and opened her messages with Paper.
look i know she crossed a line but im kinda at my limit here could you just fix the stupid thing and i help out with hotel chores or whatever tmrw? 😘
Sorry girl not this time :( OJs at his limit too I’m just the middleman :(
She sent a quick “you owe me one 🙄” before sighing and putting her phone away.
“Who was that?” Salt asked. She turned over so now she was propping her head up with her arm. When she did that, it meant that she was being nosy and expecting some sort of tea.
“Oh, it was just Paper,” Pepper said dismissively, throwing her phone under her pillow and pulling the two blankets on her bed up to her chin. She really should’ve been wearing something warmer. Such is the cost of wanting to wear cute skimpy pjs with your best friend. “I was just double checking there was nothing he could do about the heater.”
Salt hummed to herself. It was a light hum, the kind she did when she was thinking.
“What’s wrong, Salty-Salt?” Pepper asked, turning to look at her.
Salt played with her hands. She was having a thought that she didn’t have often, and was hard to have when she did. It always gave her a headache, and made her feel like…well…she didn’t know. “Do you think he’s mad at me?”
“Paper? Or…?”
Salt nodded her head. It hurt to say his name in a way that didn’t include love. She pushed back her headache. “Do you think I…went too far?”
Pepper sat up in shock. “You’ve never asked me that before.”
“I don’t want to- ack!” Salt collapsed her head into her hands. She could feel it pounding, like it was punishing her for feeling negativity around him. Her curse.
Pepper threw her blankets to the side, starting to get up. “Salt! What can I do?”
Salt put a hand out, signaling for her to sit back down. “I’m fine, I’m ok. Just got a bad headache.”
Pepper gave her a concerned look, but wasn’t going to protest. A chill ran through her, and she snuggled back beneath her blankets. “...Why do you even like him? And don’t give me your ‘he’s smart’ or ‘he’s hot’ or ‘he’s a millionaire,’ why do you really like him?” It was a question she’d never dare ask, for fear of ruining their “normal,” but she was feeling very cold, and just the slightest bit irrational.
Salt leaned back on her bed, getting under her own blankets. “I just gotta, y’know? I just always have, and I should, and I have to. It feels right. And I like, totally couldn’t be wrong about my feelings like that.”
“But just…why? What even is it? He’s just so-”
“Please, Pepper. Don’t go there. I can’t…I don’t know, ok?” Salt had meant to sound more annoyed, but it just came out sad. She was cold, and she wasn’t thinking straight, but she knew she didn’t want another headache.
Pepper looked down, ashamed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t- I’m sorry.”
Salt turned to her. She was shivering. “C’mere, girl. It’s so cold in here,” she said, scooting to the left on her bed to make space for Pepper. She pat the spot under the blanket, and didn’t notice the way the other girl’s face flushed.
She didn’t say anything. She just bit her nail, and slowly stood up, bringing the blankets from her bed with her. Pepper gently lay them on Salt’s bed, and crawled in next to her best friend. She was trying so hard not to be conscious of how close they were. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to doubt you.”
Salt almost blurted out that she wished Pepper could doubt for her, so she never had to deal with the headache, but she didn’t. She was too busy being overly aware of how close the two were in that bed. She had never been that physically close with another person. “I want you to doubt me. You make it less real.”
Her best friend finally turned to face her. Her best friend that was always there for her, and that she knew always would be, no matter what. She would always be there to pick up her pieces. Pepper looked at her, really looked at her, like she was the only person she wanted to see. Pepper was so scared of saying anything. She didn’t want to mishandle this situation, and accidentally change everyone’s “normal.” She had worked so hard to get everything the way it was, to let Salt have her fantasy and not get evicted, to keep her looking as happy as she hoped she was. Say the wrong thing, and-
She barely realized how cold she was when her arms, her freezing arms, shot forward and wrapped Salt in a cozy hug. When she realized what she did, she stumbled back, pulling her arms away. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
Salt grabbed her hand. “No. I…I liked that. I need that.”
Pepper’s heart was on fire. She had never been needed. She snuggled back up against Salt, wrapping her arms around her shoulders.
Salt leaned into the affection, nuzzling her head into the crook of Pepper’s neck. Her head was on fire. “I don’t want this with…I don’t want…” Her eyes were tearing up from the pain. Her brain wouldn’t let her complete the thought. “I don’t want to hurt anyone,” was the thought she completed instead.
Pepper held her tighter. “You could never hurt me.”
Salt reached her hand up to hold Pepper’s curls, and let the other hold her around her waist. She had always wanted to wonder what it would be like to hold her like that. She had always wanted to wonder what it would be like to share genuine affection that she didn’t feel cursed with. And in that moment, when she could feel Pepper’s breath short and heavy and scared and warm on her neck, she wished she could wonder.
They couldn’t have been more than an inch away from each other. Salt lowered her head on the pillow right next to her dear friend’s, her nose just barely touching her cheek. Pepper freed her hands from Salt’s shoulders, bringing them to hold her face instead. The difference between the two of them was that Salt could never wonder, and Pepper could never allow herself to wonder. She had the ability, but never the control, never the bravery, and never the drive to finally pull her close and kiss her.
So she kissed her.
Salt gasped, and practically melted into the contact. This was exactly what she wanted, or wanted to be able to want. She held her so much closer, and if she had the ability, she would have kissed her back.