Chapter Text
Stories that don't contain even the slightest mention of love are a real rarity. Till has been involved in the acting industry since he was a child, and he's never had a production that didn't have a romantic plot, to a greater or lesser extent.
When he was still a child actor, it didn't bother him that much, but when he grew up enough to get roles with a romantic plot, it started to bother him. He had never been in love himself, and love issues were completely incomprehensible to him, so it was not easy for him to play roles that were hard for him to understand.
When he got the main role of a love interest, he was going through a major crisis in his acting career. He was worried that he wouldn't be able to convincingly portray a man who was head over heels in love.
Then, as if to save the day, he came across a music video of some idol unit, consisting of young guys.
The beginning, the songs were sung by a really talented blond guy, as he later found out, his name was Luka. Till then felt that the tension caused by the new role was starting to loosen up a bit.
However, when the black-haired boy appeared in the video, definitely the most beautiful person he had ever seen with an unearthly voice, Till's heart did a somersault for the first time.
Is this how people feel when they experience love at first sight? He thought then.
That was the day that changed him completely. He didn't dare call it love at the time, but he was definitely charmed by Ivan, who was completely unconsciously helping him with his beautiful singing and handsome appearance.
When he played the kissing scenes, he imagined that he was not kissing a female partner in the series, but Ivan. Till was convinced that it was thanks to Ivan that he received several awards for best actor in some movie or romantic series, but he never admitted it during interviews.
And then Ivan, together with Luka, withdrew from the Idol Unit, and together they joined an acting agency.
Being in the same industry, Till had a better chance of meeting his first (and the only one) celebrity crush. And when he finally met the real Ivan, he was certain that it wasn't just adoration for a talented and handsome man, but a genuine crush on a real person standing right next to him. A crush that only grew with each meeting.
And by some miraculous twist of fate, which Till liked to think of as destiny, it happened that not only were they both in the same production, but Ivan's character was to be in love with Till's character.
And they both shared a kissing scene.
"Are you nervous about this scene?" Till asked when they had a break from a script read-through for Round 6 . They were both standing at a table with a coffee machine to make themselves coffee, which neither of them could live without. Till, however, was not as tired as usual, because the thought of Ivan kissing him, even if only on set, was a powerful stimulant. He tried to stay relatively calm though.
Although he himself was very nervous about it all. That's why he asked Ivan.
''A little bit.'' Ivan admitted, slightly embarrassed. "It's a really powerful scene. And so far I've only kissed women on set, so this will be new for me.'' He didn't have to mention it, because Till knew it very well.
He had watched every film and series Ivan had starred in (it wasn't many, because Ivan was just starting out in the acting industry and Alien Stage was the first series Ivan had played a leading role in, but Till had watched each Ivan’s production several times) and every time he was overcome with fury when a kissing scene appeared. Desire fought with jealousy every time, as he carefully watched Ivan's lips move on someone else's. He himself had a few film kisses under his belt, but he had never felt anything during kissing. He was convinced that the kiss he was going to share with Ivan would be different, even if Till's character didn't kiss back.
"And I guess I'm not ready to die for the love of my life." He added with a laugh, completely unaware of Till's internal crisis at these words.
He's talking about the characters, not us . Till repeated in his head.
He swallowed hard and nodded.
"It probably doesn't make it any easier that we have the same names as the characters we play." He said, expressing his own anxiety in this way. Although he was a professional and had worked with many people on the set, feigning intimacy or hatred, this time he was playing with Ivan. It would be harder than ever for him to remember that it wasn't the real Ivan he was in love with who was kissing him, but a character kissing another character.
He would like the real Ivan to also feel like he is kissing the real Till and not Till the character.
Ivan laughed again and Till could swear he could hear choirs of angels.
"Yeah, just like in Big Time Rush or Jonas Brothers." He said with a smile.
Till, like a fool in love, only said:
"Huh?"
The smile on Ivan's face disappeared instantly and Till would have despaired internally about it if it wasn't replaced by a charming expression of surprise.
"You don't know them? Haven't you ever watched anything on Nickelodeon or Disney Channel?" Ivan asked him as if a negative answer would be the end of the world.
Till scratched his head.
"I've heard a little about some Jonas guys, but I'm not sure what you mean." He said confused.
"Sunbae." Ivan groaned and the sound sent shivers down his spine. ''I could have guessed that being a child star robbed you of your childhood.'' He shook his head disapprovingly.
There was a lot of Ivan the character in Ivan the actor, which was evident in such quips.
Except that Till the actor, unlike the fictional Till, absolutely loved it. He absorbed Ivan's attention directed at him like a sponge. He was thirsty for it like a plant withering from drought.
Just like Ivan the character craved Till the character's attention.
Apparently, the producers must have made a mistake in how they chose the actors for the roles.
Till folded his arms across his chest.
"Just because I didn't watch live-action Disney productions doesn't mean I didn't have a childhood. I preferred watching other things on TV."
Ivan grinned and Till smiled reflexively.
"You watched mostly Disney animated films and anime, right?" Why was Ivan able to read such things about him, but completely unaware of how much Till was in love with him?
"Yeah, and that hasn't changed. Even though I'm an actor, I rarely watch live-action productions." Unless it's movies Ivan stars in. But he couldn't say that out loud. "I'm weird, right?"
"Maybe a little weird, but it's cute." Till felt his face heat up. He wished someone had filmed it, because every night before he went to sleep he could listen to Ivan calling him cute. The words echoed in his head, and it wasn't until Ivan gently grabbed his sleeve and started tugging on it that he came to his senses.
"But it's also an unforgivable mistake that needs to be fixed." He looked at him intensely, with little devils in his eyes.
Till felt his mouth go dry.
"How do I fix it?" He asked hesitantly.
"Of course you have to watch these shows." He said, as if Ivan had time to watch series when he didn't have to act in them.
"I... I wouldn't even know where to start." He answered evasively. Honestly, he didn't feel like watching anything. After coming home from work, he usually ate dinner, took a shower, and went straight to bed.
"I could suggest some titles. Or we could watch them together?" He asked, with something that sounded like hope in his voice.
Till's heart beat faster. Suddenly he could find time and strength to watch all the movies and series recommended by Ivan.
He replied immediately:
"Let's watch something together, at least that way you'll be sure that I'm making up for my lost childhood." And although he always felt a great desire to be home in his bed as soon as possible, he didn't want to miss the opportunity. "Maybe we can start right after work? Of course, if you have time?" Wasn't he bothering Ivan too much? He had no idea. He just wanted to spend some time alone with him as soon as possible.
He felt a huge relief when Ivan, smiling, clapped his hands.
"Great! At my place or yours?"
Till almost said "At my place", because his apartment was very close to their studio, but at the last moment he stopped himself.
He couldn't invite Ivan over without preparation, when there was Ivan's merch in practically every room. He would look like a psycho.
He would have to hide all this if there were any more meetings after today's movie night,
"At yours." He replied with a firm voice.
Before they arrived at Ivan's apartment, they stopped by a store because:
"No watching without snacks! Just don’t tell anyone I don’t stick to a diet." When Ivan winked at him, Till felt weak in the knees. At that moment, Ivan could have asked him for anything and Till would have agreed.
He had never been to Ivan’s apartment before, so he was tempted to look into every nook and cranny, but he also didn’t want to seem nosy. That’s why he stayed in the living room with all his willpower and didn’t break into Ivan’s bedroom when he went to the bathroom.
So he focused on the living room, which was exceptionally neat and bright. He went over to the beautiful piano that stood by the window. He ran his finger gently over the keyboard, imagining that Ivan was playing it for Till and singing him a romantic ballad. These were dangerous thoughts, though, so he quickly redirected his attention elsewhere.
There were a lot of plants in the room, which Till would never be able to keep in such good condition. Ivan had a huge bookshelf, which Till quickly looked through. He knew that Ivan liked to read, but seeing with his own eyes how developed this passion was took his breath away.
There were also a lot of framed photos on the bookshelves of Ivan with his friends and family. He saw pictures of Ivan with Mizi or Sua. He was irritated by how many photos there were with Luka, but it shouldn't surprise him since they had been friends for years.
However, his heart beat faster when he found a photo of Ivan and himself.
He immediately picked it up to take a closer look.
Ivan and Till were sitting opposite each other at the table, with cups of coffee in their hands, laughing.
Till quickly remembered that the photo was taken on the first day they met on the set of Alien Stage .
They were just supposed to get to know everyone then, and Till was nervous about meeting Ivan the whole time. He was afraid to approach him because he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of him. At some point, Ivan approached him with a cup of coffee and greeted him, saying that it would be an honor for him to work with such an experienced actor.
Till needed a moment to verify that this was not just a celebrity crush, but that he was actually starting to fall head over heels in love with Ivan.
He had always known that Ivan had something that attracted people. He experienced it himself when he watched him through his phone screen. However, a moment of conversation with Ivan was enough for him to be completely charmed.
For the first time in a long time, he laughed sincerely and it was in Ivan's presence. Because of Ivan’s presence. He had aroused feelings in him that he had no idea he was capable of.
He did not know that someone had captured the moment when he had truly fallen in love on a photo.
"Luka took this photo of us." Till jumped on the spot and the photo almost fell out of his hands.
Till felt like he was caught red-handed. Ivan's attentive gaze made his skin tingle.
"We were both really excited about Alien Stag e. He was even more excited because it was the first production we performed in together after our idol unit. He took photos of everything non-stop. He also took this photo of me with Mizi." The man held up a frame with another photo of Mizi hugging Ivan and Till felt a huge pang of jealousy. It was also taken that same day. That was when Till got that unpleasant feeling when after a few minutes of Mizi and Ivan talking, the girl jumped into his arms, claiming him as her new best friend, which was met with Luka's quick protest (not quick enough, apparently, since he managed to take a photo…)
"Maybe it's strange, but when we all met on the set, I got the impression that we had known each other our whole lives. Every day that passed confirmed it more and more. I had to have pictures of my new friends at home."
Till smiled at these words. Although he couldn’t have Ivan all to himself, he was glad that he valued their friendship.
"I feel the same way." I feel like my soul has always been searching for yours . "It makes me happy that you have these pictures." He added sincerely.
Ivan smiled softly at these words and Till felt like it was just them in the whole world.
"You know what would make you even happier?" He asked.
A kiss?
He shook his head.
"Watching Big Time Rush together."
He guesses he can’t have everything. But it was a good start.
Till didn’t care what they were going to watch, they could start any show from the last season and he wouldn’t care. All that mattered was that he and Ivan were sitting close to each other on the couch and spending time together.
It was hard for him to focus on the plot because Ivan’s proximity was quite distracting. But when his attention was focused on the screen, he was actually able to understand that this kind of light series about dreams could appeal to the younger Ivan. He actually liked the music and the plot relaxed him. He and Ivan burst out laughing when the funnier parts appeared.
Till hadn't felt this happy in a long time.
At one point, Ivan said:
"I went through every guy's phase when I watched that show."
The older man turned his head towards him.
"What?" He asked, not understanding what he was talking about.
"I mean, I had a crush on every member of this band." He said, as if that very piece of information wasn't going to completely change Till's life.
At first, Till's heart beat faster at the fact that Ivan liked guys. But then it immediately tightened with jealousy.
Ivan looked at Till as if he was expecting some kind of reaction from him.
"That's... completely unlike me. I didn't have any celebrity crushes as a child." Except for Ivan. But Ivan didn't count, because it wasn't even his childhood crush, just... an adult crush? What's more, he quickly turned from celebrity crush to real crush at the first meeting.
Till noticed how Ivan's lip twitched at that answer. He guessed that wasn't the reaction he was expecting. However, the man was unable to interpret this, because his gaze fell on his snaggletooth and he felt a sudden desire to suck it.
Till was glad that he couldn't hear his thoughts. He really was a psycho when it came to Ivan.
Till quickly raised his gaze to Ivan’s eyes, which were looking at him intently.
He swallowed.
"I guess by not watching such movies and series, you lost the magic of teenage crushing on celebrities." Till sincerely doubted it. He was absolutely convinced that in his heart there had always been a place for only and exclusively love for Ivan. No other voice had charmed him so much. No other appearance had ever caught his eye so much. No other personality had attracted him so much.
No one had such an effect on him as Ivan.
He snorted.
"Yeah." He replied, with clear doubt. "I must have missed a lot."
"Seriously, you can't even imagine how much fun I had crushing all these celebrities. Or wishing to be like them. " No, Till couldn’t imagine that and he really didn’t want to even imagine Ivan crushing on other people.
"Did you have a crush on me as a child too?" He asked absentmindedly, immediately giving himself a mental slap for it. However, he wanted to play it cool, so he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, in a funny way.
Why am I like this?
Ivan looked at him with wide eyes. His cheeks began to blush charmingly, which caused Til’s heart to beat faster. Ivan scratched his head slightly embarrassed and laughed awkwardly, then cleared his throat.
"Yeah. You were one of my favorite Korean actors as a child. It’s actually embarrassing how many celebrity crushes I had back then, and even more embarrassing is that I met some of them. I was very amorous back then. Luckily I grew out of it."
Till looked at him with wide eyes. In a split second, a million thoughts ran through his head, including Oh my God, did Ivan have a crush on me? Does he still have feelings for me? No, he said “were”, he didn't feel anything at all… He grew out of this, of me. And I was just a celebrity crush. But…If we had met years earlier, would we have always stuck together? Would we be a couple? But I wasn't his only crush... and he said he'd gotten over it. Maybe he didn't like anyone anymore. Maybe he wouldn't look at me that way anymore...
He opened his mouth to say something, but he didn't know what, and in the end, no words came out.
Ivan, who was also still in a strange state after his confession, however, snapped him out of his stupor and stood up abruptly from the couch when music started playing on the TV.
"Oh, I love this song. I used to know the whole dance routine by heart," he said, and then began to sing and dance.
Here I am, there you are, why does it seem so far?
Next to you is where I should be (where I wanna be)
Something I want so bad, know what's inside your head
Maybe I could see what you see (tell me what you see)
Till shook his head and looked at Ivan in amazement, who treated him like a one-man audience when he pointed at him. He could hear his heart beating loudly in his ears. He didn't even dare to dream that he would experience something like that one day.
"You'll sing this song with me someday, Sunbae." Ivan said with a wide smile on his face, as the music stopped and Till couldn't do anything but laugh sincerely.
"After this episode, we can play the karaoke version and try it out." He said, smiling. He really wanted to sing a love song with Ivan.
At these words, the younger man raised his fist in victory and Till felt his own cheeks start to hurt from the wide smile. Ivan was so cute. And handsome. How is it possible that such a perfect person exists?
Right now, he just wanted to enjoy his time with Ivan.
And when Till got home to his bed, he would analyze everything.
And probably do it every lonely night for the rest of his life.