Work Text:
Numb.
So numb that there is a ringing in your ear as you sit silently, staring at the blank wall in front of you.
6 months… 6 whole months since the explosion and your heart was numb. So numb, it is affecting your work.
Xavier brushes the debris off his pants as he collects himself, a dead wanderer laying at his feet. He keeps saying that it’s okay and he can handle it but you feel like such a burden.
You haven’t been able to resonate since HE passed.
And today… Today, it’s especially tough.
Your morning started with a message- a harsh reminder of the very thing you’ve been trying to forget.
“We regret to inform you that, per the verification process conducted by Linkon City Government, Josephine and Caleb have been officially recorded as deceased due to an accident.
We kindly request you to bring your valid identification to Linkon City Hall to complete the necessary record adjustments and collect the death certificates. Thank you for your understanding and your cooperation.
Linkon City Hall”
And he stands before you -Xavier, your shining star- pretending to be busy adjusting the uniform that fits perfectly on his body because he is attuned to your feelings. And because you shut that conversation down over and over, he has given up on asking if you are okay.
But you see it in the slightly noticeable pinch in his shoulder and the way the corner of his lips tuck into the whispers of a frown. He shifts his weight from one leg to another, the questions he wants to ask dying on his lips and sadly, you are grateful. You are grateful because today is one of the bad days. And as much as you hate to admit it, on bad days like this, you are afraid of the words that might come out of your mouth.
Xavier of all people doesn’t deserve to get hurt.
So instead, he hands you the protocore he harvested from his kill to you so you can take credit.
Take credit for his hard work.
It made you sick. Your stomach does an anxious flip as his fingers gently graze yours.
You need to be the best to fit into UNICORNS. Captain Jenna gave you a lot of grace after the explosion and because of your pursuit of the Aether Core. The problem was that the other hunters were talking. They seemed to have a lot to say about you not pulling you weight. The more whispers you heard, the more you started to feel like they were right.
So without needing to ask, Xavier started handing you the protocores he’d destroy otherwise.
It makes you feel weak.
And you walk in silence to HQ. You didn’t need him to say it aloud for you to know he was observing the way you dragged your feet and tucked your chin in towards your chest.
Not good enough. Those were the right words for how you feel.
And quietly… so, so quietly, you turn in the protocore as people continue to whisper. Tara is the only one that is kind, but she isn’t a UNICORN, so you find little solace in her reassurance.
And Xavier follows you in silence, the way he has so many days since Caleb and Granny’s passing.
But then… something different happens. Today, Xavier bids you farewell but stops 4 footsteps away from the door. He looks at you with kind eyes, hesitating for a second. And then-
“I’ll be back in about 30 minutes.”
You blink slowly.
“Back here?” you ask with a slight rasp; your voice hoarse from lack of use. You haven’t been a woman of many words lately.
Xavier leaves without answering and you stand just outside your door, unsure how you want to proceed. Did you want to spend time with him today? Should you text him and tell him not to bother?
You enter your home, feeling anxious. Anxious over making a decision, anxious about him coming over, anxious if he changes his mind, anxious about the state of your unkept apartment and the way you smell and look after a mission. You sink deep into your couch cushions unable to do anything but simply sit there.
Before you know it, there is a soft knock at the door and in a state of panic, you realize that you stared at the wall once again for 30 minutes, that ringing in your ear the only thing to keep you company as you disassociate.
You can’t deny you have the urge to hide, but Xavier has both the key and code to get into your apartment.
In the midst of your panic, Xavier let’s himself in, and it hurts that he looks even more beautiful than usual. But it is only because he is surrounded by the backdrop of your dingy, dirty apartment. Everything would look better in comparison.
To your relief, he doesn’t bat an eyelash at the state of your living situation. Instead, he holds up the takeout bags and graciously clears space on the coffee table, not a hint of disgust or judgement in his expression.
“You’ve lost weight,” he observes. And of course, he is right. Food stopped tasting good. The joy you once found in your favorite dishes is now gone, and you’ve only been eating to silence the rumbling and angry protests of your stomach. And under your clothes, bruises litter your skin from being so anemic, simple contact with solid surfaces leave marks on you. Like the dark circles on your knees from kneeling on the floor, or the ugly greenish brown marks that littered your upper arms from leaning on door frames.
What once smelled delicious to you now makes your stomach turn but you don’t complain as Xavier unpacks a simple meal of Bone Broth Chaushou. You know he picked it out because it was easy to digest. Xavier was the type to order a lot of meat and indulge. Today wasn’t one of those days.
“Eat. You don’t have to talk. Just sit next to me and eat,” his words and gaze are gentle and yet, somehow firm with a hint that he might just come and spoon feed you if you decide you don’t want to eat.
So you choose the path of least resistance, pick up your spoon and sip broth that probably needed a little doctoring to taste good. But it doesn’t matter. You stopped eating for taste a long time ago.
He finishes long before you do and sits patiently, making sure you eat every last bite before he speaks- still gentle, but firm.
“You should hop in the shower. I’ll be here when you are done.”
You find yourself nodding. Your hair was fastened into a greasy bun, and you don’t really even know the last time you actually washed it.
Depression truly is a bitch.
So a long hot steamy shower, a warm meal in your stomach and the prospect of safe company for the evening… and you were starting to feel a little less like thin paper and a little more like yourself.
You run a brush through your hair for the first time in a week and you snag many rough tangles, but you soldier through the pain and pick out an outfit that probably looked terrible, but its all you have because you simply haven’t found the energy to do laundry. And looking around your room, you become acutely aware of the mountain of laundry you need to tackle and that makes you feel worse.
But company is still waiting on the other side of your bedroom door and you silently vow that tonight will be the night that you throw a big load of laundry in the washing machine.
You quietly exit the room and… your living room is cleaner?
Next to the door, are three trash bags full of take-out containers and other rubbish you have neglected. The windows are open, letting fresh air in and Xavier is at your kitchen sink, finishing up the last of the dishes and without warning you burst into tears.
Xavier’s eyes widen a fraction and in a split second he is guiding you to the couch, holding both your hands in his as he sooths you with a gentle hum in his voice.
“Hey… sit with me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
But you can’t answer as the tears rip from your chest causing your body to quake as you finally allow yourself to feel. Your pain and confusion and grief hit you like a brick wall and you sob. And in a moment of weakness, you bury your face into the crook of Xavier’s neck where he holds you tightly as he rubs your back soothingly.
Thank God, he waits until you can breathe and continues to stroke your back and in a moment of boldness you simply don’t expect, presses a few gentle kisses to your forehead.
“W-why? Why are you helping me? You’re helping me so much,” you stammer in between sniffles.
You feel his arms gentle squeeze you reassuringly, hands still running reassuring paths up and down your back when he answers, his warm voice like hot tea and the lips right next to your ear.
“Because I want to. That’s enough reason.” A hand climbs up and tangles in your damp hair, fingers kneading gentle circles as you still struggle to breathe and embarrassingly wipe the snot from your nose with your hand. You rise, rushing over the kitchen sink to wash your hands when Xavier hisses- a noise you’ve never heard him make. But you can’t let him see your snot all over yourself and you hastily wash your hands and face before turning to ask what was wrong.
You didn’t even need to ask. The odd, mismatched outfit you wore revealed the bruises that littered your skin and Xavier had followed you to the sink, fingers gently inspecting the bruises on your arms.
“How did you get these?” He asks with more urgency than you’ve ever heard in his voice his azure eyes darkening as he looks at you.
You pause… the urge to come up with a story was incredibly strong, but the truth escapes you.
“From… not eating.”
Xavier immediately goes from alert to sadly stricken, arms crossing across his chest, and eye downcast in shame.
“I should have come sooner,” he mutters, shaking his in disgrace.
“No, no. Xavier. You owe me nothing.” You gesture in panic around your significantly cleaner living room. “This was too much. Too much! You didn’t have to do any of it.”
“I told you. I did it because I wanted to. And I wanted to come sooner. I was just-“ he looks at you and he doesn’t have to finish his sentence for you to know what came next. You had spent so much time shutting everyone out. Shutting him down, over and over and over, that he chose instead to just be there and be ready for when you would accept help. But you never did, and today, he pushed once more when you were too numb to exist.
Deep down you know you need it.
You need help. You need sleep. You need a lot of things.
You need him.
You certainly didn’t feel worthy of it, however. Not worthy of a modicum of his attention or time…
Not worthy of Xavier, the ethereal beauty, soft and practically glowing, standing in your dingy living room and helping you in all the ways that you don’t deserve.
Him handing you protocores was already too much help.
A chill runs through your body from a combination of guilt and a bite in the air as the evening grew colder and Xavier, observing the goosebumps erupting across your bare skin walks over to close the windows.
“I don’t deserve any of this, Xavier. I don’t deserve your help,” you insist and his expression changes to something you don’t recognize. Its almost like he is angry, but that isn’t quite it. A better description was that he wasn’t satisfied with the words you’ve spoken and you’ve left him with a dark feeling he doesn’t know how to process.
He approaches you, aura completely different that the Xavier that held you on the couch as you cried ugly tears. Under his gaze, you feel vulnerable and small and with each step he advances, you shrink back.
“Who told you that you don’t deserve help?” He asks as he closes the distance, gaze dark and lips corners turned down, clearly unhappy with your attitude.
You stumble back into the wall as his arms cage you, his hand coming up so that his thumb could brush your lips. You don’t answer.
“Is that what you are telling yourself? That you are unworthy? That you don’t deserve kindness?” He persists, and you know that if you speak, you will cry once more.
You couldn’t speak if you wanted to at the moment, anyway. You can’t seem to find your voice under his gaze.
“Your family is gone. Gone. I won’t allow that. You are never allowed to pity yourself or feel unworthy of a friend and undeserving of help. Not when I am around. I want to be here. Do not doubt that there is no place that I’d rather be.”
“Xavier…” You whisper, voice trembling with vulnerability. “Xavier… no.”
“No, what?” There is a challenge in his voice and you shiver.
“I really don’t. I don’t deserve your help. At work… here at-”
“Stop.” His tone is almost sharp. A hand circles your waist, the other still raised to brush your lips. “I’m not going to let you talk like that about yourself.”
It takes everything in you not to cry as you focus on the way he pulls you closer… off the wall and into his arms. He still smells like work and it’s comforting somehow.
He gently lifts your chin so that your eyes can meet his, but you can’t.
You can’t.
You can’t meet his gaze without crying.
“Look at me,” he orders and you shake your head, before burying yourself back into the crook of his neck.
He won’t allow you to retreat. Backing away, he lifts your chin again.
“Look at me,” he says, sweeter this time.
Your eyes connect with his and the tears spill over. And to your absolute shock, he kisses every stray tear.
“I will kiss all your tears away.” And he does as the tears persist. With all the patience in the world, he showers you with kiss after kiss as you become a mess in his arms.
“I will kiss them all away…” the gentle kisses persist. “Until you believe you are worthy.”
The tears have trailed down to your chin and he kisses your jawline softly.
“I will kiss you until you know just how good I think that you are.” And he makes good on that declaration as his lips greet yours.
You feel like you could melt as the peppering of kisses continues down to your neck, where the tears persist and you grow hot and cold at the same time.
“Xavier…” You whisper, at a loss for any word but his name and you feel his hands tremble slightly as they both come to squeeze your hips.
“I love the way you say my name,” he whispers back. For the first time in a long time, you taste… really taste. And the taste of his tongue is sweet as it greets yours when you sigh, lips parting and heart pounding.
For the life of you, words continue to escape you and you whisper his name once more against his lips, eliciting a groan as he presses his forehead against yours. He nuzzles you, eyes shut and lips parted as his fingers tighten around your waist.
“The way you say it…” His finger traces your bottom lip once more. “Beautiful.”
The words forming on your lips die as he swallows them, body freezing for a fraction of a second before you relax, lips falling against his in disbelief. And Xavier persists, thumbs wiping the tears from your eyes as he continues kissing softly. In between sniffles you respond, tilting your face so that you can meet his lips more.
He reads your unspoken queue and kisses you deeper, arms pulling you closer still as you yield. As you fingers clutch his uniform, you mewl against his lips.
Xavier shudders in response to the involuntary noises you whimper.
“You… you can’t make noises like that. It’s hard for me to control myself as it is…” he murmurs as he presses hungry kisses against your temple.
“I’m sorry,” you mutter in response, you mind lost in a haze as you feel something other than despair for the first time in a long time.
“How are you so perfect?” He doesn’t give you the chance to respond when he picks you up and lays you down on the couch, lips tasting your neck once safely deposited.
Oh… oh god, Xavier,” You whisper as he nibbles spots that make you quiver.
He responds more enthusiastically, fingers swiftly moving to unbutton the frumpy top you threw on when you hesitate, causing Xavier to pause. Pulling back, he looks at you with slight confusion.
“Is… is this too fast?” He asks, voice dripping with concern.
“No… no. Xavier you aren’t doing anything wrong,” you sigh deeply, hiding your face behind your hand for a brief second. “It’s… it’s just I don’t feel very attractive.”
Xavier pulls the hand you are using to hid your face and kissed it before holding it tightly.
“Does it matter what I think?” he asks, thumb tracing a soft pattern on your hand. “Because I think you are beautiful.”
You can feel yourself blushing profusely as his lips found their way to your neck, kissing up and down, making the hunger you feel for him scream louder than the insecurities that have dragged you down.
“Is this okay?” He asks, voice still a whisper, but with an edge that hints that it is truly hard for him to hold back the depth of his need for you. And after a moment’s hesitation, you squeak out your approval and his fingers nimbly unbutton your top, pushing away the thread bare fabric to reveal your skin to him when his breath hitches and he stops to stare for moment.
The anxiety twists in your stomach as it feels like you are being studied under a microscope when his hands are on your body again, tracing your skin reverently. The fire reignites and you respond to his touch, the sensation making you war with the feeling of need to run… or the give in completely.
“Don’t stop,” you plead as your chest heaves, pupils dilated as his lips trail down the valley in between your breasts.
“I don’t think I can at this point,” he utters between hungry kisses, his hands cupping your breasts through the bra you should have retired a year ago. But he simple doesn’t care what state your clothing is in and unhooks it, tossing it to the side when he gasps, pausing to admire the beautiful expanse of your skin.
“If only you could see how beautiful you look right now.” He doesn’t wait for an answer as his lips reclaim yours. In a moment of boldness, your hands move to remove his uniform top and his movements pause before he sits up, remove his top before returning to your body, his skin pressed against yours.
He smells like citrus and mint under his clothes and his skin is hot on yours. You find your lips traveling to explore his torso, kissing small moles and returning to spots that make his breath shake as he exhales.
“Just your breath on my skin is enough to make me a weak man,” Xavier whispers as he grips your thighs, spreading your legs to make room for himself.
He reaches for your flimsy shorts, hands pausing and your gaze meets his.
“Tell me you need this. Tell me you want me as much as I want you,” You nod, hunger consuming all your doubt and before you can blink, your shorts and panties are on the ground and Xavier’s head is buried between your legs, kissing hot teasing trails towards your core, alternating thighs.
A blush burning crimson hot spreads across your body as his tongue slides up your slit and your hands tightly grasp at his hair, back arching up off the couch.
“Xavier!” you cry out as his tongue slowly but firmly circles your clit.
“That’s it, star dust. Say my name. Just like that,” he murmurs as his index and middle fingers slide into you, slowly pumping as his tongue still firmly laps slow circles around your clit. “Let me hear how much you want me.”
“Oh, God!” you cry as your fingers grasp his hair tighter. He alternates between kissing and lightly sucking on your clit, making you cry out to the heavens as his fingers piston faster. You can’t fight the urge to buck against his face. And when you do, he pins you down with his free hand, his palm applying rhythmic pressure to your navel, stimulating your g-spot from the outside of your body just as finger twist up to hit it over and over from the inside.
“Oh! Oh, Xavier! If you don’t stop, I’ll come!” A surge of light grows from Xavier’s body and it appears for a moment like you are surrounded by 100 fireflies as he loses control of his evol. He moans, lips still against your clit.
“Come. Come for me. Let me find out how pretty you look when you come,” he groans as his fingers pick up the pace, his tongue continuing a firm circle around your clit.
You feel the pressure build within you and when you release, you cry out his name, thighs clenching tightly around his shoulders as your body bucks against him.
“Xavier!” You briefly glance down at him, before your eye shut, squeezing tightly from another bout of pleasure and you cry out his name once more. He looks satisfied and hungry and the same time, glowing with the pleasure of watching you come undone around his fingers. The room is illuminated in a soft glow he can’t control and it appears he doesn’t care as he licks the evidence of your arousal from his fingers.
“I’ve never seen something more beautiful in my life…” he murmurs as he relishes the taste of you and you can only blush brighter.
And even though he treated your body reverently, your insecurities return as you watch him lick his fingers.
Why is he so beautiful as he glows?
But on queue, as if he can practically hear your insecurities screaming at you, he presses a finger to your lips, barring the words you want to say.
“The sounds you make… the way you respond to me… you are so good for me. Such a good girl,” he sighs, reaching for his belt and standing to remove his pants and boxer briefs.
You get a brief view of his large weeping erection and it takes your breath away to see how hungry and ready he is for you. And when he drapes his body over yours, your fingers wind through his hair to pull his lips towards yours. As you come together, your tongues immediately dance. It hurt to breathe with how much you needed this… how much you needed him. And here Xavier was, reverently worshipping your body and kissing your tears away.
Overcome with need, you shift, pushing him into a seated position and you straddle him, showering kisses down his face and neck wherever they care to land.
A soft chuckle escapes him as he looks at you with amusement and hunger, his hand guiding you back to his lips. Kissing you firmly and pulling away, with the hint of a smirk on his face.
“Oh, so you liked it? Such a good girl for me,” he says as he exhales, trembling with excitement as you guide his erection in place.
“A good girl for you,” you repeat as you sink down, both of you moaning and clutching each other in sync as you feel him stretch you out.
“F-fuuu…” Xavier practically whimpers in your ear. “No protection, star dust? You sure?”
You pause, a moment of clarity making you blink as you look at him. “I don’t have anything. Did… do you have condoms?”
Xavier shakes his head, moving to lift you up off him. You grab his hands, shaking your head in refusal.
“But, stardust… I don’t like playing dangerous games when it come to you and your health.” Xavier moves once more to ply your body from him.
“We… we can go grab an emergency contraceptive after this.” Your hips wiggle against his and he tosses his head back, unable to contain the way you affect him. “I just… I can’t wait. I need you now.”
Xavier’s demeanor switches, a dark hungry look back in his eyes as he grips your thighs and thrusts upwards intensely causing you to cry out in bliss.
“How… how can I resist… not when you are being such a good… filthy girl for me,” he groans as his hands guides your hips as you begin to move, hips beginning a slow grind against him. Xavier hisses, biting his lip.
You move to kiss his neck, his jawline, his collarbone, as he guides your hips to grind against him. He groans and hisses, enjoying the torturous pace.
"Faster," he gasps, his grip on your hips tightening.
And on command, you move faster and cry out as his hips surge upward repeatedly to meet yours. Skin smacks skin as your breath is forced from your lungs.
Xavier watches you writhe atop him and he begins to glow once more.
“Still… still feeling insecure?” Xavier grunts as he thrusts, making you whimper even louder. “Still feeling like you aren’t good enough, even as I lose control like this?”
Coherent thought isn’t even in the realm of possibility, and the series of words and whimpering that erupts from you is non-sense, un-intelligible as your body chases your climax on top of him.
Xavier suddenly lifts you up, propping you against the window and you gasp as you see yourself in its reflection. The picture of arousal you paint affects even yourself as he spreads your legs and enters you from behind. Your lips part and you moan loudly at your reflection as the angle with which he takes you reaches spots that make you see stars.
“Look at how beautiful you are,” he whispers in your ear as his hands grab your waist and you watch yourself gasp in your reflection. Your eyes dart to the way he looks as he bites your neck, thrusting into you from behind. “Mmm. And so wet for me.”
His hand threads through your hair, pulling so that more of your neck is exposed to him and he nibbles, kisses and bites, causing you to melt into a puddle of madness.
“Do you…” He pants into your ear as his thrusts become more fevered, hips clapping against your ass and thighs with a sense of desperation and you cry out more nonsense.
“Do you still feel unworthy?” You see him shake his head in the reflection of the mirror before he nips at you. Your knees quake as your hands desperately cling to the window sill.
“I am the one who shouldn’t feel worthy,” he groans into your ear.
“Xavier! Xavier, no. You are… so good. So wonderful-“
“And you are better, star dust.” You feel your body respond, walls tightening as you start to believe him.
Xavier’s body responds in kind, illuminating the room. “Are you about to come for me?” He asks as he thrusts even harder. “I- I can feel it. I can feel you getting so tight. Feeling so good. A good girl, just for me.”
“Oh, God, YES!” you cry out in a pathetic whimper. “I’m about to come!”
Xavier’s hand clutches your breast just over your heart.
“Resonate with me!” He urges and doubt wells up. You haven’t been able to resonate in 6 months.
“Come on, star dust. Feel what I feel with me. Sync with me so you can feel it.” Unexpectantly, you resonate into his hand and are swept away by Xavier’s desires as you come, explosively on his cock, walls clamping down tightly around him. And in a sensation that keeps circling as you resonate, you feel each other’s desires as your hearts pound and Xavier reacts, losing control as he cries your name repeatedly as you feel him emptying ropes of come inside your body.
“F-fuck! Xavier! Xavier!”
The room swells with a blinding burst of light with each thrust and you can feel him quiver as your knees give way. You sink to the floor, where Xavier catches you and pulls you to your chest, ensuring you are able to breathe before lifting you to return you to the couch.
You react incredulously, giggles of disbelief escaping your lips as you reel from the most powerful orgasm of your life and stare at your hand in awe as your ability to resonate on command returns to you.
Xavier, hold you close to him, showering you with reverent kisses.
“And I won’t stop… I will shower you with all the praise you deserve until well after your start to believe that you are worthy.”
“Xavier…” you whisper once more, just the way he likes to hear you whisper his name.
He smiles, holding your gaze, eyes soft and filled with worship.
“Just like that. Like you can make me melt on command.”
You hold your breath for a second and realize while sinking into his arms… so long as you have him, you are going to be okay.