Chapter Text
Will awkwardly stood on the threshold to the dimly lit repurposed storage room, unable to decide on a side. He looked back and forth between its tiny single window and the adjacent main hall of the radio station, where Murray was helping his mother and Hopper to gear up for a supply run. It wasn’t like they were leaving for the most dangerous mission they had ever undertaken – not by far. It probably didn’t even make the top ten. But Will hated to watch the people he cared about leave the safety of their hideout lately. It felt like every goodbye could be the last. He averted his mother’s worried gaze by glancing back into the darkness of the tiny bedroom, where Mike sat cross-legged on the ground, quietly observing the scene. Will huffed to himself. Bedroom. Perhaps that word gave the cramped space a little too much credit. It was just a large double mattress on the ground with a few pillows thrown carelessly across it. Still, the dark room never failed to make warmth bloom in his chest, even dimming Vecna’s cold fingerprint that the Mindflayer had left in him.
Because when they had found shelter in this station two weeks ago, after the Demodogs had overrun Hawkins, Mike had claimed this room as theirs.
*
The rip through Hawkins had left the town in a state of shock and the large pillars of smoke had continued to blast particles into their atmosphere. Plants and animals slowly wasted away, and yet, surprisingly, nothing else had come out of that fissure for two years. But now, it seemed Vecna had recuperated enough strength to act on his plans, and, apparently, sending out an army of Demodogs to terrorize Hawkins had been step one.
Most of their neighbors had fled to other towns, and after days of trying to stay and fight, there was barely anyone left to protect. Finally, they raided a mattress shop and settled on staying at the abandoned radio station just outside of town. Spending all their energy fighting the foot soldiers wouldn’t get them far, after all. They needed to come up with a plan of their own and defeat Vecna once and for all.
But that was not the first thing that happened when the group entered the building.
“You guys are supposed to be adults now,” Mike yelled after the others when Lucas and Dustin darted up to claim the more promising rooms on the first floor. Mike waved them off. “Fine, go ahead and take the upstairs rooms, then!”
Even Steve and Nancy rushed after them to claim whatever was left. Will had been a little too distracted and missed the cue. Mike stayed back by his side, continuing to shout up at the others. Something about the little storage room downstairs having potential.
“At least this window won’t let a Demodog through. Have fun feeling unsafe as you sleep.” Mike turned around, then, looking at Will with a weird expression that ended up shifting into a small smile. The kind of soft smile Will had recently noticed Mike had only ever shown him. He wasn’t yet sure why. Maybe almost losing him when they’d been children had something to do with it.
“As long as the others stay up there arguing like five-year-olds, we get to pick the best mattress.” Mike’s smirk as he nodded at the truck outside made Will’s stomach clench. After a few short seconds that lasted an eternity, Mike said the words that would echo around Will’s mind for at least two weeks.
“Will you help me bring one in there? Do you want to share?”
*
And two weeks ago, Will had barely gotten out the ‘Yeah.’
Now, Mike sat next to their shared mattress, throwing an annoyed glance at Hopper who was still eyeing him with a disapproving frown. It wasn’t anything new. Ever since Mike and El had broken up a month after the rip had opened, Hopper had been especially harsh towards Mike. The two often butted heads. Will sighed and looked back to his mother. She gave him a little wave and shouldered her backpack.
Most of the others were out on their own endeavors. El and Lucas were at the hospital. Jonathan had left hours ago with Steve, Dustin, and a few others to investigate one of Nancy’s most recent hunches. Her hunches had proven accurate often enough to leave Will with a bit of hope. The strange neck tingles and cold shivers had grown more frequent and intense ever since they’d come back to Hawkins. Lately, he’d been having more trouble sleeping than usual, plagued by constant headaches. Although the headaches were probably not the only reason for those sleepless nights…
With a short goodbye, his mother and Hopper shut the door tightly behind themselves. Through the thick barred glass windows of the main hall, Will watched them get into the truck and drive off towards the distant pillars of smoke.
“Are you okay?” Mike’s voice came from inside their room. It finally made Will detach from the door frame and walk over to sit on their mattress. He wasn’t brave enough to shut their door, though.
“I guess,” Will mumbled in a low voice. With almost everyone gone, the quiet of the radio station seemed like something fragile that should be protected. Mike’s eyes stayed on him, studying him carefully. In the main hall, Murray shuffled away, popping open a bottle of Vodka that Will had no idea where he’d gotten from. “Are you?”
“I guess,” Mike echoed, but his eyes lowered, now resting on the space between their feet instead of Will.
“You can’t let Hopper get to you. He’s just being an overprotective dad. He’ll get over it.”
“Are you sure?” The expression on Mike’s face turned sour. “Because he’s been on me for two years now, you know?”
“It was El who broke up with you, though. And it’s not like it’s your fault she fell out of love,” Will offered. “That was what she said, right?”
For a second, their eyes met, but Mike quickly glanced away. He’d been doing that more often recently. Will could understand. Holding eye contact… ever since they started spending nights lying awake next to each other, sometimes talking, but mostly pretending to sleep… Let’s say, it felt harder than usual to hold Mike’s gaze for him as well .
“… Yes,” Mike answered. “Right. She said that,” he added as if to remind himself.
A loud snort from the main hall pierced through their conversation. “Oh, please.” Murray mocked from the couch. Will and Mike both turned to stare at him with pinched expressions. “What?” Murray exclaimed. “Falling out of love is not why El broke up with you.”
“Oh yeah?” Mike shouted back. “And how would you know?” His voice was steady, but when he leaned forward to properly lock eyes with Murray, the light of the main hall illuminated his expression. There was surprise mixed with something else. Something that made Will realize that the topic was making Mike very uncomfortable.
“Don’t mind him, Mike,” Will tried gently. A little louder, he added, “He’s just bored. And possibly drunk.” He couldn’t help the reproachful tone. Murray had no right to participate in this conversation. He had no idea what he was talking about. And if his thoughtless words made Mike uncomfortable, Will wouldn’t stand for it.
But his tone alone did nothing to stop Murray. “Honestly, you, more than anyone else, should know why Hopper is annoyed with you, Mike. El breaking things off with you is almost entirely your fault.” The hurtful accusation threw Will off completely. For a few seconds, he sat glued to the mattress, fingers digging into the soft cushion, while Mike stormed out of their bedroom. When Will finally jolted upright and followed him out, Mike was already standing opposite of the couch facing Murray with a grim look on his face.
“What the hell is wrong with you? El and I are friends now and get along just fine. This is between me and her. Hopper is meddling where El has long since moved on. And now, for some reason, so are you. Yes, I was mostly to blame for our relationship ending, but even so, Hopper should act like an adult. His constant anger at me is childish. And he should let his daughter live her own life! I’ve had trouble accepting it at first, but El is very much entitled to her own decisions.”
Even though Mike towered over Murray who was comfortably sitting on the sofa, sipping on his vodka, his fists clenched so tightly that they trembled. Will could only stare at them, his own hands itching to reach out but never moving. What did Mike mean by him being mostly to blame for their break up? From what Mike and El had told him, their relationship had taken a natural end and both of them had simply fallen out of love over time and with the distance. Was he talking about the tensions between them when Mike had visited Lenora? Yes, they both had acted weird. But El had lied to him about so many things back then while Mike had struggled to tell her what El had wanted to hear. At best, they were equal parts to blame for not being genuine and honest with each other… right? Was he missing something?
“Act like an adult? Oh, you mean like you?” Murray challenged.
“I am certainly more adult than he is,” Mike countered.
Murray set down the bottle on the table between them with a loud thud. “You are not an adult.”
“I am eighteen. I am as much of an adult as you.”
Murray’s laugh echoed through the main hall. “Nah, nah, nah. Age has nothing to do with this. You,” he pointed a finger at Mike. “What you are doing is trying too hard to be an adult. But WOO big newsflash!” He smashed a hand onto the table. Will flinched at the sudden noise. “Being an adult doesn’t mean not playing games anymore. Or getting a girlfriend. Or not running up the stairs and calling dibs on a room,” Murray listed in an annoyed but also lecturing tone. “Being an adult means taking responsibility. For yourself and for others. And in your case –“ With his finger, he drew circles around what, from his point of view, must be Mike’s outlines. “That means not using relationships with other people as a wall to hide behind and hurt everyone involved, here, in the process.”
Unexpectedly, Mike remained silent, his angry expression ebbing to something between frustration and hurt, eyebrows twitching as if unsure how to settle.
Murray shook his head back and forth, continuing his lecture in a calmer tone. “Look, admittedly, I don’t know much firsthand about you kids, alright? But anyone could see that El’s romantic feelings for you were the real deal. But did you love her back ?” Murray grimaced. “Neeh, not so sure about that.”
“But I… I did…” Mike’s voice grew less confident by the second.
“Okay. Sure. Let’s try this, then.” Murray leaned back into the sofa. Mike inhaled shakily as if bracing for impact. “You say you loved her, she obviously loved you, you guys were boyfriend and girlfriend for quite a while, and you were both teenagers, right?”
Mike barely nodded, probably not yet noticing where Murray was going with this. Will had an idea. One he really didn’t like. He looked away, as if doing so would spare him from having to hear what Mike’s reaction to Murray’s next question was going to be. At least he wouldn’t have to see the look on his face, when Murray finally asked, “I bet you two were all over each other, then. How was sex for you, Mike?”
Even though he saw it coming, Will was sure pain showed on his face. He’d wondered about that a couple times. He’d tried not to. And he would always push away the thought of it every time it sneaked up on him. Back when he realized that what he felt for Mike was a different type of love than he felt for his other friends, Mike had been with El and Will was fine with suffering quietly and loving him from afar as long as that meant Mike and El could be happy. When the two broke up, even though, of course, he’d been sad for both of them, he couldn’t suppress the relief and excitement that had nestled within his heart at the same time – a subtle warmth that he’d identified as hope. Especially after his conversations with Jonathan, this warmth had only grown, knowing that at least his brother would accept him if he ever decided to do something about his feelings. But at the same time, this hope was a double-edged sword only slicing away at his insides every time Will remembered that Mike clearly had fallen for a girl before. He would probably find another girlfriend at some point, or even a wife, someday, provided they managed to save the world a fifth time. And Will would have to be okay with that. But still… the thought of Mike being with someone… especially intimately… It hurt like hell.
Will barely registered Mike’s shaky voice. “What?” When Will risked a glance back, Mike’s hands had unclenched, now hanging loosely by his sides as his shock probably overwrote the anger.
“Well, statistically, the average age for the first sexual experience is around sixteen,” Murray continued unimpressed. “And it goes younger for long-established couples. So, since you two were in love, I assume you must have already had your first experience.”
“No!” Mike almost yelled. “No, we didn’t,” he added more resolutely, a deep frown on his face.
Murray raised a brow. “Is that so? Why, then? Did El not want to?”
“No… she… she did… It’s just…”
Will blinked. His heart pounded in his chest. She did? Will fully turned back to Mike, only to find that he was already looking at him, worrying his lip.
“So, she initiated, and you bailed?” Murray pushed for clarification. For once, Will was thankful that he did.
“She didn’t… initiate,” Mike pressed out word for word. “But she asked. She asked but I…” Even though he was arguing with Murray, his eyes remained glued to Will’s face. Will recognized fear gleaming inside of them. But something else, too. Desperation? “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say yes.” Mike admitted so quietly that Will almost didn’t catch it over the sound of his own heartbeat hammering in his ears. The warmth in his chest turned hotter, painful. A terrifying fire that was balancing on the thinnest thread between turning him to ash or fueling him for three lifetimes.
“Aha. See? Not so hard, was it? Pun intended.” Murray snickered senselessly over his victory and almost choked from his own stupid joke before reaching out to grab his bottle again. “Your love for her was admiration. Not romantic love. Can easily be mistaken. Especially as a child who learns to see the world through the perspective of their parents, their teachers, their bullies…” He took a long gulp. “Also a part of growing up, Mike. When you’re an adult you learn to distinguish those tinted glasses from your own eyes.” He tapped on his own glasses for good measure. Will flinched when Murray’s finger changed target, now pointing towards him. “And in your case, Will, it means not disregarding yourself and suffering quietly so others can be happy. Which they clearly weren’t, if that wasn’t clear. And it also means not meddling in someone else’s relationship, trying to keep it going, just so you don’t have to face the decision of what to do about your own feelings.”
Will missed a breath. His eyes darted between the two people in front of him. Did Murray know? Judging from his weird little nod towards Mike, which seemed to convey a hidden message to Will, he might have guessed… Then what about Mike? Will gulped for air as his lungs constricted at the thought of Mike having somehow noticed the secret revelation in Murray’s berating.
Mike was looking at him, his expression suddenly unreadable to Will. Perhaps there was a trace of confusion? With the rising panic, Will couldn't bring himself to trust his distorted intuition. But before he could catch his breath to try and sort through his thoughts, Murray spoke again. “Anyways, that is the story of why El broke up with you, Mike. She realized that you loved her, but not in the same way that she loved you – in the way she wanted to be loved. Good for her.” In Will’s periphery, he barely registered him taking another sip of his vodka and standing up from the sofa. “Oh, sweet mother of- stop staring at each other and talk! Because I am not spending another night crashing in the main hall with this terrible tension oozing from underneath your door! I can only do so much, guys!”
Mike and Will instantly broke off their shared glance of confusion and uncertainty and Will opted to stare at the ground instead. It was true. There was tension between them. And it was Will’s fault. They needed to talk. At the very least, Mike deserved to know about Will. They were best friends, after all. And friends don’t lie. Not that he’d been outright lying… Not exactly. At least not about anything else than that painting he’d gifted Mike two years ago. But it wasn’t right to indulge in sharing a mattress with Mike every night without Mike knowing about Will’s feelings… Not that Mike would want to continue even sharing a room after he told him, but still, it was only fair he knew… Dread constricted his throat as if trying to prevent him from even thinking about uttering a word about his feelings.
Murray’s voice softened a little when he went on, swaying his bottle as he gestured towards them. “Look, you two. I understand that it’s not as easy for you. You are both scared because society has certain views that don’t conform to important parts of what makes you you. And I’m not talking about your make-believe magic game… campaigns. But look around you.” Murray gestured to the pillars of smoke and the empty parking lot outside the windows. “For now and until we maybe figure out how to find the plug to this giant pothole over there, society and its standards are pretty much dead. Which means, there really is not much in the way of you two figuring out who you are and actually enjoying your possibly final moments on Earth. Not to be morbid but don’t you teenagers want to at least experience sex before you die?” His eyes fixed on Will. “Not to mention kissing?”
Will was floored.
“Huh?! What the hell are you talking about?!” Mike exploded next to him.
Murray simply waved off Mike’s outrage and loosely gestured at Will. “Your brother and Nancy were no better. But they figured things out over a single shared night in a shared bed. It’s been two weeks for you! So, please, for all of our sakes, hurry up and figure it out!”
Through a blur, Will registered Mike storming off towards the staircase. He felt dizzy. Now he knows. He had to. Or perhaps he could still convince him that Murray was spouting bullshit? He needed to go after him and salvage what he could, no matter how terrible the lies he had to come up with. Murray wiggled back into the couch, shrugging at the door upstairs that fell shut with a ‘wham’. Will turned his back to him, eyeing the door to the parking lot. He could just run away from this. Run away and never come back. Neither option was perfect, but what was he supposed to do? Another loud noise from upstairs shattered the comfort of his senseless reasoning. There wasn’t a choice in this. He had to tell Mike the truth. That was the only option.
His legs weighed twice as much as the mattress Mike and he had carried in two weeks ago as he forced them up the stairs all the way to the rooftop.