Chapter Text
It was a random evening in February when Will invited Mikey back to his place on a whim. Will didn’t invite people back to his apartment often, mainly because it was always a mess, but that day had been different for some reason. They weren’t talking much, instead choosing to silently enjoy each other’s company whilst they scrolled through their respective social medias. There were two Domino’s pizza boxes on Will’s coffee table: one empty, and one still holding a quarter of a meat feast pizza. Mikey had lazily taken one bite out of a piece before discarding it back into the box.
Will had been watching a video of a cat dancing on TikTok to one of the latest trending songs when Mikey glanced up from his phone and randomly said, “Running multiple marathons to see someone isn’t exactly platonic, is it?” Will lifted his head to stare at Mikey with wide saucers for eyes, recognising instantly that Mikey was referring to his “Running 1 Meter Every Day, But Every Day It Doubles” video he had posted a few months prior. Mikey’s question was most likely light-hearted, based on the stupid, childish grin written all over his face. Will’s instinct was to open his mouth and defend himself, but he shut it again, as Mikey’s comment echoed around his head.
Isn’t exactly platonic, is it? Will hadn’t thought about the video since it had been uploaded in December, but when he closed his eyes, he could feel himself reliving it. He remembered the sweating, the anxiety, the pain shooting through his legs. He remembered how close he had been to giving up; how many tears he had shed (off camera); how he had gone against the advice of a physiotherapist, all because he had promised to meet James for coffee.
Will wasn’t sure he would ever run 88km for any of his other friends, but that wasn’t because he didn’t love them. It meant he wouldn’t make promises he wasn’t fully committed to keeping. For James, he was willing to push himself harder than ever before.
James had always been special to Will. From the first day that they had met, James had made Will feel… different. James had always made him laugh more than anyone else; made Will feel the most welcomed; made Will feel the most comfortable he had ever been with someone. Will had never once questioned whether he could be himself around James because James would never judge him. Even better, no hug was comparable to a James hug. Will remembered the ecstasy he had felt when he had hugged James after reaching the finish line in the running video. He had lunged at James within seconds of seeing him. James’s arms had been so warm, so safe, so homely, in a way that no one else’s ever had. Maybe James made his heart flutter; his hands sweat and his mind race, but was that not normal between best friends? Despite none of his other friends making him feel like that, Will had always assumed he’d just never connected so well with someone. It didn’t have to be romantic.
At 28 years old, Will’s exploration of his sexuality had stopped years ago, after a handful of drunk kisses whilst young and dumb at university. He had had countless crushes on women, and never once had he considered that he had had crushes on guys, too. Didn’t everyone make out with guys whilst absolutely hammered and experimenting at university? For a second, Will wondered whether there was even a possibility that he could like James romantically. Could his special connection with James represent deeper feelings? Or was it simply a kind of friendship he had never experienced before?
Mikey cleared his throat, jolting Will back to reality. He had been so lost inside his own head that he had forgotten that Mikey was sitting in the same room as him. Will blinked, seeing that Mikey had returned to scrolling, probably having forgotten whichever Instagram Reel had triggered his comment.
Wiping his overly sweaty hands against his sweatpants, Will stood up. He couldn’t help but notice his legs resembled jelly. His eyes were shining as he stared ahead, mind still repeating, ‘Isn’t exactly platonic, is it?’ If he didn’t get Mikey out in the next few seconds, he was going to cry, and that would have only raised Mikey’s suspicions. “I’m getting tired,” Will said, though his voice wobbled enough to arouse Mikey’s concern. Mikey furrowed his eyebrows and opened his mouth, but Will spoke up again before Mikey had the chance. “You should go.”
Acknowledging that it would be much easier if Mikey couldn’t get a word in, Will awkwardly shuffled him towards the door. In hindsight, it was most likely rude, but Will had too much on his mind to care. He practically shoved Mikey outside before slamming the door behind him and leaning against it. He reached out and pressed a hand against the wall to support himself, as tears began to drip down his cheeks. Scrunching his eyes shut as tightly as possible, Will stumbled into his living room so that he could collapse onto the sofa. He pulled his knees up and hugged his legs before hunching over and letting out a sob.
Will wasn’t even sure why he was crying so much; it was probably the sheer overwhelm that was conquering his brain. Every single interaction he had ever had with James was rushing through his mind simultaneously, from the first day they had met to the last time they had spoken, which happened to be that morning. Mikey had very little understanding of social interactions, so most likely had no idea what he was talking about, but, despite that, Will just couldn’t brush it off.
Will knew he was overthinking it. He had a tendency to do that a lot; usually thinking about something long enough to suck all of the joy out of it. Why couldn’t he just run a marathon for a friend? Why couldn’t he just appreciate James’s company? Why couldn’t he just enjoy James’s hugs?
Ding. Will’s phone dinged from wherever it was hiding, but it just made him bury his head into his hands. His entire body was shaking as his phone continued to ring. With so many racing thoughts, Will was beginning to feel motion sick and physically nauseated. Another ding made him jolt up, rushing into the kitchen and grabbing his phone off the counter. Vision blurry from the tears, Will scanned the notifications, all from Mikey.
‘Is everything okay?’
‘You were acting really weird. Did I upset you?’
‘I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just messing around.’
Well aware that he was being harsh on Mikey, Will gritted his teeth and powered off his phone completely. He considered throwing it at the wall, as if that would power off his brain, but his common sense kicked in before he could. Will let out another cry, raising his fists and rubbing his eyes until they were raw. His brain was itching for a release, whether in the form of smashing a glass or going for a run until he couldn’t breathe. Despite that, Will’s body was lead as he stared at the wall in front of him.
Will knew he was straight. He had dated so many women and had so many crushes that he was able to determine his specific “type”. James was so far from the mould as a tall, pale man that it was impossible for Will to see his feelings as anything above platonic. Will swallowed thickly, as a stray tear dripped down his chin. Taking a long, deep breath, Will concluded that he’d been spending too much time on his own and running to Brighton had given him something to focus on other than the crippling loneliness that had been eating at him since his last breakup.
Once he had gained the physical strength, he headed back into the living room and sank back into his sofa, resuming the same position he had been in previously. He buried his head into his knees, breath hitching as he struggled to take in enough oxygen. The room was bouncing around him, so he scrunched his eyes shut to balance it out.
Mikey had been joking. Will had just taken it too seriously. Mikey wasn’t making any assumptions or invading his privacy by making a silly joke about Will and James. All of their subscribers made the same jokes all the time, and he’d never thought twice about it before. So why did Mikey’s comment stick with him? Why did it make Will nervous? Why did it send Will’s brain into overdrive?
-
When Will woke up the next day, the first thing he did was send a quick text to the work group chat, saying he was feeling sick and wouldn’t be working. He shut off his phone before his colleagues, Orla, Ieuan, and Mikey, had the opportunity to ask any questions. He didn’t bother putting on a shirt as he trudged down the hall to his kitchen and flicked on his kettle. He had barely slept that night, with Mikey’s stupid words ringing through his mind every time he tried to close his eyes. He grabbed a mug from his cupboard and slammed it onto the side, so harshly that he was surprised it didn’t smash into pieces.
His eyes were aching as he stared at the kettle, waiting for it to come to a boil. It felt like hours later before it finally popped, and he was able to pour the water into his cup. Once he was done, he headed to the fridge and grabbed the milk, finding himself freezing as his hands clasped around the handle. Will swallowed, as his mind reminded him that James avoided drinking too much cow’s milk because it made him feel ill.
He pressed the teabag against the side of his cup with a teaspoon before adding the milk to his mug, whilst trying his hardest to brush off the thoughts of his best friend. Once the cuppa was complete, he picked it up and headed into his bedroom, placing it on his desk. He powered on his computer and sank into his gaming chair, staring at the logo on the screen until it was replaced by his wallpaper.
Will wasn’t sure what he was doing until he opened up Google Chrome and searched for YouTube. Much to his dismay, the first video recommended to him was from his side channel, of him and James trying what he deemed “The Internet’s Weirdest Candy.” He stared at the thumbnail with a deep frown on his face, eyes lingering on James for too long for it to be comfortable. Without fully processing what he was doing, he clicked into the video and pulled his headphones over his head. He watched for a few moments before pausing it, as his past self explained the ‘freakometer’. It was an unfortunate moment to pause, because he caught himself staring at James with a smile on his face that looked like it belonged to a teenage girl talking to her crush.
Head cloudy with erratic thoughts, Will leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. He tried to think back to the day he had recorded the video, months back at that point. He remembered laughing harder than he had in a while, finding so much solace in pretending to be mad at James’s puns. No one else could make Will smile like James did.
Will rubbed his face with his hands and let out a long sigh, eyes still fixated on the loving gaze his past self was giving James. The screenshot really did make them look like an old couple as they smiled and stared into each other’s eyes. That thought made Will close the tab, his hands trembling as he gripped his mouse. A lump appeared in his throat, but it refused to leave, no matter how many times Will swallowed.
When Will realised that he was going to cry, he stood up and headed to his wardrobe. He grabbed his running gear and pulled it on before rushing out of his front door. All he knew was that he needed to get out and distract himself from James. As he stepped down onto the path, he took a deep breath and shoved his AirPods in, playing his usual running playlist. He set off, choosing to run his usual route so that he could pretend everything was normal and he wasn’t just trying to outrun his stupid emotions.
He ran passed an independent coffee shop that he had visited once or twice with James, but it only made him run faster. His heart was pounding inside his chest as he pushed himself harder and harder, trying to focus on his muscles screaming at him to slow down; anything but his racing mind. It wasn’t long before he was doubling over with his hands on his hips, breathing heavily. Tears continued to burn in his eyes as the image of him staring at James refused to leave his head. He started to run again, heart pounding so hard in his chest that he wondered whether he was going to have an asthma attack, though he would have preferred an asthma attack over the stupid feelings.
-
Will didn’t get out of his bed the next day, instead opting to spend most of his time staring up at his ceiling. It wasn’t very interesting, but it provided an empty canvas for him to spill his thoughts onto. His phone was still switched off on his bedside table, as he made a point of ignoring the world so that he didn’t have to face the truth. The only social media that he had touched in the past 24 hours was YouTube to watch his own video.
As he stared up into the emptiness, he thought about all of the women he had kissed. He thought about his first crush in school at six years old, on a girl he had insisted on following around everywhere. He thought about his first date, in a shitty cafe in Newcastle High Street, with a girl he thought he was going to marry. Never once had he considered exploring men as an option.
His parents were never homophobic, and there were plenty of guys who were out as gay at his school and university, so it wasn’t as if he’d never been exposed to the idea before. He rolled over to stare at his wall, as he reassured himself that, surely, if he was gay, he would have noticed feelings for a guy before reaching the age of twenty-eight.
Somehow, though, James was different. James made him feel the same way that crushes on women would made him feel. James made him crack up with laughter, blush until he was the colour of the stupid bad bin in their videos and every time they touched, even just for a millisecond, it made Will’s heart beat faster. Will sat up as his stomach dropped, the urge to vomit piling up. Will wasn’t gay, and he didn’t have a crush on his best friend James Marriott. James was simply a good friend who made Will happy. That was all.