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Lilly had never tried sparkling water before moving to Berlin. It was just different enough that she could pretend it was a fancy drink. She didn’t miss wine, she really didn’t, but now with Emma and Gracie finally living in the same apartment building, the four of them spent most evenings together. The others had asked, of course, if drinking wine was still okay even if Lilly couldn’t join in, and she’d said that yes, of course it was. Well, she had felt left out. So now she drank her fancy water, from a wine glass, and didn’t at all feel silly about it.
She put her glass down on the table and relaxed back into the lovechair. As soon as she did, Gracie leaned into her again, shoulder to shoulder, her hand resting on Lilly’s belly as it did so often, recently. She put her own hand on top. They had tried for a long time, Alex and her, until they’d finally managed to get pregnant. Emma and Gracie had been ecstatic when they’d told them. She’d feared that this would change things between them but if anything, it had only strengthened their relationship. Gracie in particular had grown so attached, you’d think she was the mother.
Well, in a way she would be. They’d all raise her together. One big family with four moms, even if they were spread over two apartments.
She leaned toward Gracie and whispered, “you’re going to spoil her rotten, aren’t you?”
Gracie grinned up at her. “Definitely! Can’t have her confused about who’s the fun mom.”
She smiled at her. She was so looking forward to that.
“Hey,” Gracie nudged her.
Lilly had slouched over the side of the chair at some point during the last episode, a position that might have been uncomfortable except Gracie had snuggled into her and she’d forgotten about both the chair and the show then. There was nothing between the two of them, of course. They weren’t going out, they weren’t even attracted to each other. She was her best friend, that’s all.
“Action’s over there,” Gracie told her.
She sat up, wriggled out from under Gracie and tore her eyes away from the TV, over at the other chair where Alex and Emma were now just blatantly making out. Emma had shifted onto Alex’s lap and was facing away from them, her mouth trailing kisses down Alex’s neck and shoulder, hot with need. God, her wife was beautiful. Her eyes closed and cheeks flushed, her head pressed back into the chair and twisting side to side in a silent rhythm, making a mess of her gorgeous long hair. Emma reached a hand below Alex’s shirt and Lilly felt her chest flutter when she heard her wife breathe a husky “Oh, Emm!”
That had felt weird once.
Lilly hadn’t been surprised when it happened—she’d been the one who suggested this relationship in the first place. She’d known, on a logical level, that it was safe, that Emma was no threat to Alex’s love for her and she’d known that this… extended relationship would be right for them. And she’d been correct. They were even happier now that Alex and Emma were also together and Lilly’s own life was so much brighter for having Emma and Gracie in it. But she hadn’t appreciated seeing her wife make out with another woman, not at the start. Despite all her own arguments, she’d been so jealous. She’d demanded her own kisses afterward, to prove her claim. She’d asked that they do it somewhere else where Lilly and Gracie didn’t have to watch, didn’t have to hear another woman’s name on their partners’ lips. When that predictably hadn’t lasted, she’d struggled to tolerate them making out in the same room. She hadn’t been able to watch the woman she loved more than anything else in the world make out with her girlfriend—the woman who yes, by then had become Lilly’s friend in her own right, but whom she’d first known as the other woman in Alex’s heart. The woman Alex had fallen in love with back when Lilly had stupidly broken up with her and spent too many months worrying about how to make it up to her, the woman Alex hadn’t been able to fall out of love with even when she’d tried.
She had gotten used to it. Very used to it. Now she watched her wife moan into Emma’s mouth as they kissed, watched Alex slide up Emma’s top and expose the black skin of her waist, watched her put her mouth on Emma’s bra and plant kisses on it. Watched Emma gasp out and pull Alex’s mouth back to hers as though she needed it to breathe. And she loved every second of it.
Emma had told her once that she felt she was the luckiest woman alive for having the love of both Gracie and Alex and being able to be with both. She had meant it as a thank you; she’d felt indebted to Lilly in some way for allowing this. But she’d been wrong. Oh, Emma and Alex were blessed to be loved by both of their partners, to be able to love them both so much. But this, being surrounded by the three people she loved most in the world and knowing for certain just how loved and fulfilled her wife was? To see her wife’s gorgeous girlfriend—objectively true, even if Lilly didn’t share the attraction—downright worship every muscle and every curve on her wife’s body? Her wife’s brilliant Doctor girlfriend! Lilly had bragged about that to a friend at university. She’d received a confused stare in response but how could she not be proud of Alex for Emma’s love, not swoon when she saw how happy they both made her? When Alex came to her afterward, exhausted and still basking in the glow of Emma’s affection, and cuddled with her then and kissed the curve of her belly. When Emma gushed to her about Alex over breakfast and she knew that nothing could ever come between them. When they’d flown back to the States to visit Emma and Gracie and Alex had beamed with excitement for a week in advance, when they had date nights together as a group, when she went out with Gracie to give their wives some time alone. And to think the four of them lived together now and were all going to raise their daughter together.
No, their happiness wasn’t a competition. There was no contest. Lilly was running laps around them.
Alex looked up just then and her eyes found Lilly’s. She smiled at her, delirious and beautiful and mischievous all at once, and Lilly blushed under her gaze. Not because she’d been caught staring—though she realised she had been, her body frozen in fascination, her lips open just a touch and water collecting in her mouth—but because Alex was looking at her. Between the kisses, between Emma’s moans, Alex had reached out to her as if to say I love you. I love her, I love you both. Let me show you just how much.
She couldn’t break that gaze. She swallowed, moved her mouth as though to answer but no words came. Alex bit down on Emma’s shoulder. Emma shook at that and whimpered. Alex kissed the length of her arm, loud and wet, and kept her eyes trained on Lilly all throughout. She had never felt so wanted as in that moment. Finally Alex broke their eye contact, kissed where she had bitten until surely she had kissed away the pain, turned back to Emma’s mouth and nibbled at her lip.
Lilly swallowed again and breathed “they’re so beautiful together.” It took all her strength just to say the words.
“Mmmh,” Gracie purred into her side and Lilly fought to ignore the tingle that vibrated through her body. “You mean hot. Are you drooling?”
“What? No.” But she wiped at her mouth anyway.
“Caught you ‘mirin, baby momma,” Gracie teased as she sat up. Lilly felt cold at the loss of her touch. “You think they’re putting on a show for us?”
“I know Alex is.”
“Really? But my wife isn’t moaning like that for an audience, not even for us.” Emma was rocking on Alex’s knee now, her breath ragged and irregular. They had buried their faces in each other’s shoulder.
Lilly looked at Gracie. This relationship had been hard on her when they’d started, harder than for any of them. She’d been so scared and she’d almost lost Emma, twice. Now, Gracie beamed with pride as she watched her wife grind against Alex. Then Gracie shouted, “alright you two lovebirds, that’s enough. Get a room already!”
Emma stopped and slowly turned around, her core still on Alex’s legs, her arm still wrapped around her. Alex giggled and kissed her neck. Emma took a long moment to steady herself and blinked. Then she turned to Lilly and asked with a sheepish smile, “can we—ah—can we continue here?”
It wasn’t a question she’d ever thought to hear. She couldn’t say yes to that, could she? Did she want to say yes? How was she even considering this?
Before her silence grew too long, Gracie raised an eyebrow at Emma and said, “you want to clean that chair?”
If Emma’s face had been red before from excitement, she grew even darker now with embarrassment. “No. I meant in your bed, Lilly, is that okay? I’m not—I don’t think I can make it to mine.”
She nodded at that. The other three burst into laughter. What had happened? It had been a normal response.
Emma was the first to regain control of herself. She wobbled to her feet, then pulled Alex up by the hand once she’d found her footing. “Alright love, let’s go.” She led her to the bedroom. Alex kept glancing back at Lilly and laughed out every time she did. Emma pushed her in, then turned back and pointed at Lilly. “And you,” she chuckled, “aren’t invited. Go off to horny jail.”
At that she closed the door.
Gracie burst into laughter again and Lilly couldn’t help but join her.
“What happened?” She managed.
“You should have seen your face,” Gracie cried.
“Was I that bad?”
Gracie pulled her bottom lip into her mouth and raised her eyebrows as though in shock. Then she bobbed her head up and down and just kept going until Lilly doubled over laughing. She could feel tears swelling up.
“No way!”
“Lilly,” Gracie helped her up and held her by the shoulder. She was trying to hold down another laugh but it shook her like a hiccup. “If you’ve got the hots for my wife, you have to tell me. I mean, I get it, but I’ll need to know.”
“I promise you that’s not it.”
“What do you mean, you promise? She’s so hot!”
“Gracie!” Lilly cried. Then she took a moment to gather her thoughts and said to her, her voice slow and cautious, “do you want me to be attracted to your wife?”
Gracie grew red as a beet at that. “I, uhh,” she stumbled and Lilly blushed herself, “I haven’t thought about that before just now.”
“Gracie—” Lilly whispered.
“I—I think that—I think that would be beautiful.” Gracie didn’t meet her eyes. “If it worked out. I love you both so much. And I see how you look at Alex. If you looked like that at her...”
“Gracie,” Lilly took her face with both hands and turned it toward her. “I’m not crushing on Emma.”
“You aren’t?” Gracie looked relieved and heartbroken at the same time. She couldn’t pretend to understand that face, not without a lot of time alone to think. But it broke her heart to see the tremble in Gracie’s lip and hear it in her voice. She pulled her into a hug.
“I’m not. I love how she looks at Alex. I love how happy she makes her, how much she turns her on. They were so hot together, you were right about that, but I was looking at Alex, not at Emma.” She hesitated for a second but Gracie needed her so she added, “I wasn’t going to say this because I think perhaps she crossed a line. But Alex fucked me with her eyes while she was making out with Emma. Just before you looked. It was the hottest thing I’ve seen in my life.” Gracie sobbed into her shoulder and pressed her tight. “It must have messed me up real good, huh,” she chuckled, “the way I acted after that.”
“Mh-hm,” Gracie whispered. Her voice was wet with tears. “You were completely out of it.”
“Are you going to be okay? Should I hold you a bit longer?”
“Please.”
They stood there silent for a while, wrapped in the warmth of their hug. Lilly only noticed now that the TV was still playing. It would be her favourite line in just a moment. She could tell even with her back to the screen, say the words in sync with Lan. His voice was trembling, too. I will hate the man you choose, she repeated in her mind, because he is not me. And I will love him if he makes you smile.
The words always made her heart melt to a puddle. She didn’t hate Emma. Their situation was different. She loved her as a friend and as family both. She’d be the mother to her child—one of them anyway. But she did love her because she made Alex and Gracie smile. She loved Gracie because she made Emma smile. And herself. Whatever this was, they could talk about it and figure it out. Gracie had to still feel the same way. That radiant smile earlier, the way Gracie had looked at Emma with pride when she’d almost come undone on Alex’s knee, that had been real. Light, Gracie had practically offered Emma to her. They were going to be alright after this.
“Let me turn that off,” she whispered and she gave Gracie a good squeeze. Gracie returned it and then released her.
She found the remote and switched off the TV. That was her first mistake. It wasn’t silent in their apartment. No, with the TV off, she could make out other sounds. Muffled sounds but she knew them well. Alex wasn’t trying to be quiet today and Emma always took it as a challenge. This was the worst timing. Lilly sat down and sank her head between her hands in a sigh. That was her second mistake. When she closed her eyes, she could see her.
Long, brown hair spread in a mess over tangled deep-red sheets.
Emma’s head between her legs. Her strong thighs wrapped around Emma’s head.
One hand gripping onto the headboard, holding on for dear life. The other thrashing around wildly, searching for purchase but grasping only cloth.
Emma’s lips sucking on her clit. Then her tongue, flicking up and down again and again, tracing arcane symbols of love and want and need.
Two fingers inside her, in and out, curling just right into her favourite spot.
Emma’s other hand on her stomach, pressing down when her back arched up.
Her face the morning sun. Her eyes closed, her mouth wide open, her tongue twisting uselessly with every jolt of her muscles. Al was always so beautiful when she came. The moans were louder now and in her mind, Alex cried out, Emma! Emma! Emma! Alex! Alex! Alex!
Lilly’s head was still in her lap between her hands, but now it was from shame. She was burning up with need. This was the worst timing. Gracie did not need to hear Alex and Emma now. Lilly needed to comfort her, but how could she when she was like this.
“Woah. Uhm,” she heard Gracie stumble. She wasn’t crying anymore. Thank God. Lilly couldn’t look up to face her. “They’re really going at it, huh?”
She didn’t move. She didn’t say anything, she couldn’t trust her voice right now.
“You okay there, Lilly?” She felt her hand on her shoulder. She was burning but Gracie’s touch felt hotter than that still. She flinched away from it.
“Did you—did you get off from that?”
What? “I did not,” she shouted at her. She was staring at her now. Her face was so close. There was spittle on it.
“Ew! What—”
“I’m so sorry! I’ll clean you up.” She raced to the kitchen for a paper towel. When she returned, Gracie had already wiped off most on her sleeve. Lilly took her head in one hand and wiped her off with the towel as softly as she could. She still felt hot inside but Gracie was cool to the touch now. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to shout at you. Or spit at you.”
“What happened? Did you—”
“No.” She had to be more honest than that. “I—I pictured her. Alex. I was close, I think.”
“You love her so much.”
Gracie was close to her now. She reached up and grasped Lilly’s chin between her thumb and her index finger.
She needed to back away. Gracie took another step. So close.
“Lilly,” Gracie began.
Lilly’s eyes bulged out of her head.
“If you’re not crushing on my wife,” Gracie asked. Her voice was so soft. “Then who are you crushing on?”
Her heart leaped into her throat.
Her mouth was working. It was forming shapes anyway. This was important. She had things she needed to say. Lilly’s eyes darted between Gracie’s fingers on her chin, Gracie’s eyes searching her face, Gracie’s lips forming bizarre, wonderful words. Back to her fingers. It didn’t look like such a firm grip. It held her tight.
“Lilly,” back at her eyes. She shrank before that gaze. Why did she feel afraid? Gracie looked at her with eyes so sweet. They were still red. Her world was about to change again.
“You’ve been giving off signals for weeks now. I’ve been so worried that I was misreading you. I was scared that I’d screw this up for all of us.”
Back at her lips. They were so close. A woman could lose herself in that view. She could feel Gracie’s breath on her mouth. She could see the next word form before she heard it. It was an easy one to read. Lilly. She closed her eyes. This was happening now. She wasn’t ready.
“Gracie—”, she whimpered. It broke in her throat. She couldn’t think, only listen.
“I wasn’t wrong, was I? I was right to hope?”
There was a pause. She forced herself to look back at Gracie, deep into her eyes. So vulnerable. So confident.
“Please say something.”
She needed to do something. She couldn’t form the words.
“Because I’ve been crushing on you, hard.”
Hands. She had hands, somewhere. She raised them now. She had still been gripping on to that towel. She dropped it and cupped Gracie’s head in both palms.
Gracie was smiling at her now with all her face. She was so beautiful. Her tongue returned to her and she licked her lips.
“Lilly! Please, can I?”
She managed to form a smile of her own. It must have looked so stupid. It felt stupid. How had she fallen apart so completely that she couldn’t even smile at Gracie? She felt tears in her eyes. She was messing this up so bad. This had ben so easy with Alex.
But Gracie understood. She snapped forward and she kissed her lips. She kissed her. Lilly. She—she’d been crushing on her. Her brain was only now processing the words. Gracie had been crushing on her. Wonderful Gracie, who already cared so much for a daughter she could never adopt. Brave Gracie, who had thought herself the fourth wheel to Lilly’s third, who had pushed through the self-doubt and become Lilly’s best friend. Smart as fuck Gracie, who spoke so many languages and was going to change the world for millions of people. Who had changed her whole world when Lilly had offered and Gracie accepted. Who still changed it even now.
She kissed Gracie back. It wasn’t a pretty kiss, perhaps the worst she’d ever done, but she needed this. She grabbed the back of Gracie’s head and pulled her in harder. She was dying of thirst. She couldn’t, wouldn’t stop. The touch of Gracie’s lips moving against her. Gracie’s breath hot in her mouth. Gracie reached for Lilly’s back and pulled their bodies together, Gracie’s body warm against her belly. For just this moment, the world was right as it had never been.
She heard the glass shatter then.
No. No, no, no. This couldn’t be happening, not now. She looked over and saw Alex standing there in her pajamas, frozen, the love of her life. Not now! They would find a way through this together, she just needed a bit of time. Alex was staring at them with her mouth wide open. She must have gotten up to re-hydrate after sex.
“Al,” she cried.
A squeal escaped Alex’s mouth. Surprise, yes, but not horror. Not betrayal.
“Emm,” Alex shouted, and again, “Emm! Our wives just kissed!”
“What!?” Emma’s voice from their bedroom.
“Our wives just kissed! Come quick!”
“I heard you, what the hell is going on?”
“Oh shit, there’s glass everywhere, watch out!”
“What happened?” Emma ran out of the bedroom, still naked, and Alex tiptoed over the glass shards at top speed.
“I don’t know, I walked out and they just kissed!”
And then Alex was there and caught them both in a hug. Lilly melted into that. A moment later Emma hugged the three of them and showered them all in kisses.
“Grace. Cherry Cobbler. What’s going on?”
Lilly looked at Gracie and they both laughed. She couldn’t move much, Alex and Emma had them wrapped up tight, but she pressed her forehead to Gracie’s and laughed into her. They’d be alright. They would make this work, the four of them. The luckiest women in the world.
She kissed Gracie again. This time both Alex and Emma squealed, and Emma cried “oh you’re so cute together!”