Chapter Text
"Happy Numbers, Alice!"
"Hello, Smiler," Alice replied, yawning heavily as she slouched into the kitchen. "I see you're still in love with life."
"Why shouldn't I be?" Smiler responded, beaming as the kettle they'd found hidden among the stacks of books in the library the other day began to whistle from its place hanging over the cauldron's fire pit (the cauldron itself having been shoved off to the side to make space). They retrieved it and splashed a bit of water (stolen from a nearby canal and skimmed and boiled for safety) from its storage bucket over the flames to quench them. "Any day where you wake up and you're not a ghost is a good day." They paused a moment and considered their words. "Well, except if you're Elder Gutknecht, but he's a rare exception."
"And also doesn't sleep, I don't think." Alice leaned against the counter, rubbing her bleary eyes. "Which I rather envy him for at the moment – the floor is not exactly the most comfortable of mattresses."
"Victor and I were more than willing to let you have the bed again," Smiler said, sloshing the boiling water around the mug they'd found next to the kettle, and a pair of beakers (thoroughly washed) from the Fox-Lloyd alchemy bench. "No trouble at all."
"I had it the first Names, and I wanted to keep things fair," Alice insisted through another yawn. "Besides, anyone with eyes could see poor Victor was barely awake yesterday – he needed it more."
"Good point – I wasn't going to take it either if he'd offered it to me," Smiler admitted, producing some tea balls and dropping them into the cups. They carefully filled each to the proper level and put them aside to steep before offering Alice another bright smile. "Ah well – after today, we'll be getting him back to his own room again, won't we?"
"That is the plan, yes." Alice ran her fingers through her hair. "Insomuch as we have one."
"I think we've got enough to work with – and we can talk it over again before we head out." Smiler grabbed the surprise loaf they'd picked up from the Arms Of The Weeping Lady soup kitchen the day before. "Can't leave before we have breakfast, after all!"
"True." Alice shook her head as she watched Smiler use her (also thoroughly washed) knife to whack off a slice of compressed mushroom, centipede, and grub bits for each of them, humming cheerfully as they plated them on the biggest chunks of crockery they'd been able to find. She'd learned three very important things about the Advocate over the past couple of days rooming together in this weird little hovel they were currently calling a home:
One, they were the sort of person who woke up early;
Two, they were the sort of person who woke up perky;
And three – "Perfect!" Smiler declared as they checked the status of everyone's tea, before stirring a spoonful each of the sugar and milk the Weeping Lady had allowed them along with the balls into a beaker and handing it to her – they made the best godsdamned cup of tea she had ever tasted, so she was willing to forgive them items one and two. She took a long, grateful sip, sighing as the heat penetrated her bones. "Seriously, I don't know how you do this," she said, staring into the cup. "Tea from a beaker with day-old goat's milk should not be this nice."
"Oh, I've had plenty of practice in figuring out just how long a mixture should sit before you add anything to it," Smiler said with a breezy grin. "And honestly, we're just lucky the stones in this place stay as cold as they do – otherwise I'd be serving you cheese in your glass."
"That – probably would not be nearly as nice, no."
A groan from the doorway signaled the arrival of Victor, slouching in looking like he'd been freshly Hollowed. "Happy Numbers!" Smiler greeted him, dumping rather a lot more milk and sugar into Victor's cup and stirring it up. "How'd you sleep?"
"Wargle," Victor mumbled, seeking the counter for support.
"It was a very 'wargle' Names," Alice agreed, scooting over a bit so he could stand beside her. "Though I thought you would have done better on the actual bed."
Victor laughed softly. "I – I suppose I did," he said, blinking a few times before pinching his nose. "I just – I d-don't sleep well in strange places. Or – just in general, honestly. I'll be fine."
"Here – this'll help keep you on your feet," Smiler said, handing over the cup. They grabbed a random "plate" and offered it to Victor. "This too."
Victor wrinkled his nose at the loaf. "Oh," he muttered, taking it. "I forgot we had more of this."
"It's not that bad," Alice lied, accepting her portion from Smiler. "And it's not like you can be picky, under the current circumstances."
"I know...and it's not silverflake on toast, at least," Victor added in tones of deep derision. "Why my father loves that so much, I will never understand."
"Well, it only makes sense for someone so famous for his cannery to love fish of all descriptions, doesn't it?" Smiler said, snagging the final beaker and doctoring it up with the remaining milk and sugar.
"Yes, I – I just wish he didn't insist I love them so much."
"You are his heir," Alice reminded him. "It's probably in his best interest if you look like you adore fish as much as he does."
"Though it would be nice if he took as much of an interest in what makes you happy as he did in what makes him happy," Smiler said, sipping their tea. They nodded in approval and claimed the final slice of surprise loaf. "But we're not here to discuss your parents – we're here to discuss Dr. Angus Bumby, apparently the most horrible person in all of Duskwall! And what we're planning to do to fix that!"
"Right, yes." Victor took a solid swig of his tea, sighing. "Oh, I did need that...so – a-are we still sneaking in through the kitchen door and going after his ledger?"
"That is the current plan, yes," Alice said, taking a bite of surprise loaf. It crunched anxiously in her mouth as she chewed. "I've been in and out of that door a thousand times – I'm sure I can get us inside without any trouble. Provided he's not standing on the other side of it, of course."
"Of course...but – w-won't there be someone else in the kitchen?" Victor asked, biting his lip. "I know you said that you were the only one cooking and cleaning when you were there, but – is it possible Dr. Bumby's hired someone else by now? How long have you been away?"
"I'm – unfortunately not sure," Alice admitted, dislodging a bit of centipede from her molars with her tongue. "Time doesn't pass the same in Wonderland as it does in reality – I believe it took me days to get through the Vale of Tears and Hatter's Domain, but I traveled the length and breadth of both the frozen wastes of Tundraful and the dark waters of the Deluded Depths in the course of an hour, if that."
"And what a fantabulous hour it was! Full of chills, thrills, and not to mention spills!" Carpenter declared, beaming.
"Yes, because you'd spilled the blood and entrails of your audience all over the back of your theater." Alice shook her head. "Anyway – I'd wager it's been at least a month since I last set foot in Houndsditch. So it is quite possible Dr. Bumby has been forced to employ someone else to wrangle the children and make the dinners. We might want to plan our approach so it's not near a mealtime, to lessen our chance of running into them."
"Smart thinking," Smiler said, chomping into their own loaf chunk. They held up a finger as they chewed. "How about the children? How many were there before Wonderland called you away?"
"Eight – and I'm really hoping they're all still there," Alice said, tapping a foot. "If you're asking if it's likely we'll run into one of them – well, it's far from impossible. They're not exactly encouraged to stray far from the house, as you might imagine. But on the other hand, they do tend to keep to their own little groups, playing with their toys in their rooms and making up games in the front foyer and regarding grown-ups as necessary annoyances, so – it shouldn't be too hard to sneak past them, if it comes to that."
"Do you think they'd tell on us if they saw us sneaking around?" Victor asked, picking up his slice of loaf and regarding it with a "do I really want to eat this" grimace.
"Depends on the child – Charlie could be swayed to keep his mouth shut, I bet. While Ollie or Abigail…" Alice shrugged. "We'll see if and when it happens. I don't have the worst track record at getting them to listen to me, at least."
"All right." Victor forced himself to take a bite, pulling some very amusing faces as he chewed. "Ugh...w-what about your things?"
Alice blinked. "My things?"
"...don't you have anything you want to take from your room?"
"You must have clothes, at least," Smiler agreed, frowning at her from over their beaker. "We'll have to get those before we do anything else."
"I know you find that green dress a monstrosity unfit for even the darkest dressing rooms, and I tend to agree, but – well, your current costuming could do with a wash that isn't a dip in Sweetwater Canal," Carpenter added, waving a hand in front of his nose.
"That's – that's a good point," Alice admitted reluctantly, glancing down at her now-incredibly-dingy black-and-white-striped blouse and black skirt. "My room's on the first floor, though – and almost right across from the main foyer. We'd run a decent risk of being found if we went rummaging through it." She examined her surprise loaf, looking for a spot that didn't seem so gritty. "And that's before we consider the possibility that Bumby's just chucked everything I own now that I've apparently wandered off for good."
"We should at least check," Smiler insisted, swallowing another bite and chasing it down with some tea. "You deserve to have your belongings if they're still there." They grinned encouragingly. "We've got that old bag we found behind Elder Gutknecht's podium yesterday – it certainly seems big enough to fit a few dresses and corsets and such!"
"Heh – I don't have that much in the way of clothing," Alice told them with a small, sad smile. "Pris Witless was not exactly the most generous of souls when she outfitted me post-Rutledge. I've got the one spare dress, a couple of petticoats, and two sets of combinations to go with what I'm currently wearing. Hardly a wardrobe that needs much space." She nibbled her lip thoughtfully as she pictured her room at Houndsditch, the green wallpaper crawling up the wall before her. "It would be nice to get my diary, though...and the portrait of my family off the wall, if we can fit it."
Victor blinked. "You have a family portrait? In – in Houndsditch?"
"I'm as confused as you, trust me, but yes," Alice said. "A mysterious benefactor sent it to me shortly after I arrived there – I've never been able to track down who. Perhaps a colleague of my father, who felt guilty and managed to find something in the wreckage of our home, or perhaps our old lawyer Radcliffe, who had a spare picture lying around and refused to take credit for a good deed. Either way, Bumby surprisingly let me keep it – though, remembering what I remember now, he probably just wanted to see Lizzie again," she added bitterly. "In a form that couldn't actually refuse him."
"We'll get it away from him," Smiler promised. "You should have what's left of your family close."
"You should," Victor agreed – then turned his head toward the far wall. "Oh, and speaking of close – Elder Gutknecht is coming down. He must have heard that we were up."
"Ah – thank you for the warning," Alice said, having another sip of tea. "It wouldn't do for him to come out of the wall and immediately get a beaker to the – well, I guess it would go through his face…"
"Please do not throw the very nice beakers from the very nice alchemy bench, no," Smiler said, cradling theirs against their chest. "But it is very handy to have someone who always knows where the ghosts are. We still need to figure out just how big your range is," they added to Victor with an intrigued grin. "We know it's about to the top of the tower vertically, and you sensed Gutknecht's presence when we were still out on the street…"
"Barely," Victor said, taking his surprise loaf and dunking it in his tea. "Perhaps that'll improve it...I did ask Elder Gutknecht about it while I was helping him alphabetize the books behind his podium yesterday," he added. "He told me that I wasn't the first Whisper to get a 'ghost mind,' and that most of them could sense ghosts about six feet in any direction...but he also admitted that he hadn't heard of any of them spending an entire day in the ghost field. Or accidentally m-marrying a ghost bride and having her dog their steps almost the entire time. So he's pretty sure my range is much larger."
"That tower is pretty tall, so I would guess so," Alice said, also giving her loaf a dunk – it couldn't make the taste any worse. "I suppose there's nothing stopping us from doing an experiment or two – though we may have to see if that library has a measuring tape somewhere first."
"I believe there's one tucked away in a drawer somewhere."
Elder Gutknecht came floating through the wall, smiling rather paternally at them all. "Some of the rituals I performed required quite precisely-drawn shapes and runes, so having a ruler of some sort was rather necessary," he continued. "Unfortunately, I don't recall where I might have put it...it's up there somewhere."
"Oh, don't worry about it – it's fun poking around and finding all the odds and ends you've stashed all over the place," Smiler assured him with a grin. "Remember the fifty foot of rope we found tucked under a cabinet our first Names here?"
"I do, and I wish I remembered why I bought it," Elder Gutknecht confessed, chuckling as he scratched his head. "I'm sure I had a good reason."
"Well, rope is just handy to have around, I guess," Alice said, trying her tea-softened loaf. "Mmm...not really that much better...perhaps we could use it to tie Bumby up before dragging him off before a magistrate."
"Perhaps." Elder Gutknecht gave her a calculating look. "You've settled on taking his ledger over straight-up murder, then?"
"More or less – I do very much want to expose him for the evil he's done," Alice nodded. "Seeing the man spend the rest of his life with his body in the rice fields of Ironhook and his soul building boats on the Docks would please me greatly. But – if he ends up in our way, and I have the opportunity…" She set her tea down on the counter in favor of pulling the electroplasm bomb out of her pocket. "I won't hesitate."
"We wouldn't want you to," Smiler said, as serious as she'd ever seen them. "I'm the one who initially suggested we kill him, remember?"
"I didn't stop Emily with Barkis – I won't stop you with him," Victor agreed, tone equally grim. "He deserves it."
"Yes, even I will admit that's fair enough," Gutknecht allowed. "I just hope it doesn't come to that – murder is not a thing to be taken lightly, no matter how vile the victim."
"I promise you, I'm not intending to make it a habit," Alice said, tucking the bomb away again. "At least not outside of Wonderland, where my enemies don't leave ghosts and generally aren't human anyway. And can be brought back if circumstances demand," she added, glancing at the corner where Hatter had set up his tea table with the March Hare and the Dormouse.
"We appreciate you not leaving us to drown in tea forever, lass," Hare told her, electricity leaping between his ears as he downed a fresh cup.
"Though as deaths go, it's preferable to one's head getting blown up," Hatter added, rubbing his neck.
"Quite – my death was most delicious indeed!" Dormy said, flicking his tail cheerfully.
"Well, I'm glad it had that going for it...point is, the maximum amount of murders I want to commit is one," she continued, turning back to Elder Gutknecht. "I shall strenuously avoid adding to the ghost population after that." She lightly nudged Victor. "If only for Master Van Dort's sake here."
"I would very much appreciate having fewer ghosts in my vicinity," Victor said, before sinking his teeth into his surprise loaf again. He pulled a few faces as he chewed and swallowed. "It really isn't any better with the tea...you really eat this all the time?" he added, looking between Alice and Smiler.
"Well, not all the time, but it's convenient when there's nothing else in the cupboard," Alice told him.
"And we don't even have those here," Smiler added, glancing at the blank wall over the counter.
"Some enterprising individual with a crowbar took those away right before those ridiculous 'Swatters' showed up," Gutknecht informed them. "I was rather impressed at how easily they removed the lot – I'd thought they were rather solidly constructed."
"I would argue there's simply little that can deter a truly determined looter," Alice responded with a slight shrug. "Anyway – let's finish breakfast, then gather up everything we think we'll need on our little raid. Do we want to head there before or after Six?"
"The sooner we strike, the sooner he's no longer a problem, but...well, do the children have a schedule?" Smiler asked, waving their remaining chunk of loaf around. "Something they do at a particular time of day that might keep Bumby and any help he's hired busy?"
"Hmmm – they're generally let loose to play in the courtyard beside the house after lunch – around the Eighth Hour or so," Alice said thoughtfully, recalling shooing the rabble out the door. "And they like to stay out as long as they can get, provided the weather isn't awful. Perhaps we should try our invasion around the Ninth Hour, then? I think that'll maximize our chances of not running into anyone."
"That's fine with me – certainly gives us plenty of time to prepare." Victor looked at his breakfast and wrinkled his nose. "And m-maybe find something nicer for lunch."
"Mmm – it's a shame Mr. Dibbler generally sets up shop in Silkshore, otherwise I'd suggest introducing you to his famous rat-and-cheese noodles," Alice said with a cheeky little smile. "Priced so cheap it's like cutting his own throat."
"Don't worry, Victor, we'll find something suitable," Smiler assured him. "If nothing else, the Arms Of The Weeping Lady will give us another bowl of mushroom soup. Much like Madame Sharpe, they've always got a pot of that bubbling away."
"That sounds very nice indeed right now." Victor shook his head. "I-I'm sorry, I don't really mean to c-complain so much–"
"You're not complaining as much as any rich person stuck in Six Towers really ought," Alice cut in. "It's fine – we understand that you're used to a higher standard of living. And we'll get you back to it soon enough. But you did volunteer to help with this."
"I know, and I stand by that," Victor said. "It's just…" He grimaced at the remaining bit of loaf on his plate. "Once I'm home, and the – i-incident with Barkis is all cleared up, I'm going to talk to my father. See if there's anything we can do to help more with getting people actual good food. I know we do excellent business with the canned fish, and I'm sure it helps people, but – you all deserve more than just some silverflake or eel or pufferfish shoved in a tin."
"We'd appreciate it – and if you need any help bringing him around on the idea, I'd be happy to talk to him," Smiler said with one of their trademark buck-toothed grins. "The Advocates are all for helping the poor get more to eat! We have a little radiant garden at Headquarters, along with the standard mushroom farm, and we regularly give away any spare produce we have. It's not as much as we'd like, but it helps!"
"Every little bit," Alice nodded. "I wish you luck with that endeavor, Victor, I really do. Making sure the children always had three filling meals could be a most unfortunate chore sometimes."
"I'll see about getting him to at least send some cans over to Houndsditch," Victor promised, picking up the remainder of his loaf. "Once Dr. Bumby is no longer in the picture, of – oh!"
Victor jerked backward, dropping the chunk on the floor. "There's – t-there's something twitching in there!" he cried, backing up a step.
"What?" Smiler crouched down for a look. "Oh – yeah, that's half a caterpillar. I've heard that if you don't chop them up fine enough, they just don't die."
"There's – they put–" Victor swallowed, face faintly green. "I – I – I'm s-sorry, I – I can't finish that."
Rawk!
Alice looked over as a raven appeared at the window, landing on the sill and regarding them all with interest. "It's all right – I think we have someone here who will finish it for you," she told Victor.
"Hmm? Oh, hi! I recognize you!" Smiler greeted the bird, standing back up with a smile. "You're the one who helped me find the rope in the library! Still trying to decide what to make of us, huh?"
"You can tell them apart?" Victor said, blinking as his nausea was replaced with confusion.
"Well, this one anyway – it's newly fledged," Smiler said, picking up the surprise loaf from the floor. "See, it still has some baby feathers near the tops of its wings. It's really friendly too – though that's probably because I keep feeding it," they added with a laugh. They offered the chunk to the raven. "Here – I bet you don't mind a caterpillar in your food, right?"
The raven did not, hopping onto Smiler's wrist and pecking eagerly at the loaf. "Glad someone in this house likes that horrible loaf," Alice said, glancing at hers with suspicion. "I'm not sure how much I want the rest of mine now."
"I'm sure the other ravens wouldn't mind finishing it off for you," Elder Gutknecht said with a chuckle. He glanced at Victor. "Perhaps you could all help me catalog some more of my books instead? While your stomachs settle?"
"I would be only too happy to," Victor said, downing the rest of his tea in one long swallow. "Please, lead the way."
"Wait for us – I wanted to have a root around there one more time anyway," Smiler said, petting the raven's head before gently depositing both loaf and bird on the windowsill. "We've already found so many interesting things up there – who knows what else might be useful?"
"Indeed – we'll be up to help catalog and search shortly," Alice said, deciding to risk any wigglies in her food and finishing off her own surprise loaf in one big bite. She washed it down with the last of her tea and set both plate and beaker aside so she could dust her hands on her apron. "And then lunch, and then – we go destroy a man's life. Figuratively at the least." She ran a hand over her bulging pocket, feeling the shape of the bomb within. And – if I'm really lucky – literally too.