Chapter Text
Flo is fuming. He doesn’t think he’s ever been this angry at another person before. But right now, sitting on the bench of Germany’s Nations League game against Italy, he genuinely contemplates murder for the first time in his life.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but he’d definitely throw a punch into the smug face of Jamal Musiala if he could. Jamal, who is sitting on the opposite end of their bench, shooting Flo dirty looks every few seconds.
There are only a few more minutes to play, and as the seconds pass, Flo gets more and more nervous. He knows he has fucked up, acting completely out of character. And he is so not looking forward to facing Julian Nagelsmann’s anger and disappointment in the locker room. At least the match had already been decided, with Germany winning 5-0 in the first leg, so today’s result really didn’t matter.
And it’s not like he’s the only one to blame for the situation at hand. Jamal definitely started it. That annoying little-
“What the hell were you thinking, Flo?”
His spiteful thoughts are interrupted by Jonathan Tah, who has just gotten subbed off, now taking place next to Flo on the bench. He just shrugs in reply.
“He was pissing me off. Why would he not pass the ball to me? I was literally free. I could’ve scored, but no, Jamal,” Flo makes sure to put as much venom on the name as possible, “had to try and dribble straight through 4 defenders, acting like he’s Messi reincarnated. Honestly, everyone knows he’s stupid, but that stupid?”
Jona just chuckles quietly, only infuriating Flo even more.
“He got a yellow too, it’s not like it was just me.”
He knows he’s acting childish. Knows that receiving a yellow card for shoving his own teammate is possibly the stupidest thing he has done so far in his career, but he desperately needs his friend to take his side. Needs someone to acknowledge that the asshole in this situation is clearly the other boy, and not him.
He can already see the headlines a certain German newspaper will put out tomorrow.
So far, he and Jamal had them fooled, and the entire German public along with them. “Wusiala” was trending whenever they played a game together, and everyone loved it, thinking Germany’s most promising talents were best friends on and off the pitch.
Everyone loves Wusiala.
Well, everyone but Flo. And if Jamal’s angry and confused expression is any indication, Jamal probably isn’t too fond of Wusiala anymore either.
Which could be a good thing; Flo had hated the way Jamal had played into this weird ship dynamic created by the press during the Euros. Smiling at the reporter’s jokes, while Flo had wanted to disappear, his thoughts spiraling. What would Aaliyah think? What would his friends think? What would his dad think?
But it really isn’t a good thing, because Flo would much rather deal with Jamal making uncomfortable jokes, than with an angry Julian Nagelsmann.
The rest of the game passes in a blur.
They draw, but it doesn’t matter. The coaching staff doesn’t say much to the team, just tells them they played well and to save their energy for the upcoming quarter finals.
Flo keeps his head down, staring at his dirty football shoes. As he counts the specks of dirt and grass on them, he doesn’t look up once. He’s all too aware of his teammates questioning eyes on him. He can feel his skin burn under the attention.
At least he doesn’t get yelled at in front of everyone. He’s never been good at confrontation, usually just withdrawing deep into himself during uncomfortable situations. But of course, he won’t get away with physically fighting with his own teammate on the pitch. He also knows that.
So when Nagelsmann dismisses the team, he isn’t surprised to hear his name being called.
“Florian, Jamal. A word in my office, please.”
Flo can hear the annoyance lacing his coach’s voice and pulls up his shoulders like he can hide between them. But unfortunately, he can’t, so he just takes off his boots, puts on his slides, and follows Julian out of the room without lifting his eyes off the floor.
He hears Jamal’s shuffling footsteps right behind him and fights the urge to run away from it all.
Why did he have to be so damn impulsive? He knows he owes it to the leniency of tonight’s referee that he didn’t receive a red instead of a yellow card. And the confused and hurt look that had passed over Jamal’s face for a split second, before he had shoved Flo back even more aggressively, makes him feel like a terrible person.
Which he might actually be, considering he had fouled his own teammate. Just because…. Yeah, because of what exactly? Because Flo's an impulsive idiot who can never get it right, and Jamal just makes him unreasonably angry with his annoying, innocent act and his stupid innuendos and-
Flo almost drowns in his self-pitying thoughts as he sits down in Julian’s office, Jamal in the chair next to him.
“Why am I even here? None of this is my fault,” Jamal complains, voice cold, without looking at him.
Flo almost flinches at that. Jamal has never used that tone with him before, it’s a stark contrast to his usual playful banter.
Julian shoots Jamal an incredulous look.
“Listen, I know Florian started your little fight, but you also played your role in it. I don’t know what’s been going on between the two of you recently, and frankly, I don’t care. Nobody is asking you to be best friends.”
He looks at both of them, and Flo swallows hard at the strict look in his coach’s eyes.
“But you’re not teenagers anymore. This is professional football; if I can’t count on you to act in the team’s best interest, I’ll give your spots to other players who appreciate the honor of playing for their country. Do we understand each other?”
Flo just nods. “Yes. Of course. I’m sorry.”
His voice comes out hollow, but Julian nods, now looking at Jamal.
“What, do you want me to apologize too?” Jamal asks, like he can't believe what he's hearing.
Flo scoffs at that.
“You know you should have passed to me. I would’ve been through to an open goal. This is your fault.”
“Passed to you? Well, maybe if you stop acting like a-,” Jamal begins but is interrupted by Julian.
“Boys. Shut up. Jamal, you had to pass to Florian there, and you know it. I know you saw that he was free, and I won’t stand for you purposefully sabotaging the team’s success like that. Flo, there is no excuse, and I’m being serious, no excuse to ever physically attack another player. I don’t care if he doesn’t pass to you in front of an open goal five times in a row. This kind of behavior is not acceptable.”
Julian sighs, suddenly looking exhausted.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you boys and your private life is none of my business until it starts affecting the team. So, what part am I missing? What happened? I thought you guys got along well during the Euros.”
Flo doesn’t know how to respond, so he just looks down. He doesn’t even understand where exactly his unjustified anger at Jamal comes from, so there is no way he can put it into words. And to say they got along well last summer was a kind exaggeration at best.
Jamal had managed to convince the press of their friendship, and the high they were both riding during the tournament had arguably made them seem close on the pitch, but that’s about it. They just don’t like each other. Which is fine. But also not, because Flo spends way too much of his time with the national team thinking about Jamal and how to act around him.
When the silence becomes unbearable, Flo speaks up, surprised at how bitter his own voice sounds.
“It’s just annoying to have a teammate who apparently thinks he’s the next Maradona.”
Jamal turns to him, looking surprised, and damn those big eyes. How does he manage to look so infuriatingly innocent when Flo knows he’s not? He’s the one who caused this mess by acting so damn selfish, he-
Flo quickly averts his gaze when the other boy starts speaking, not trusting his face to stay impassive.
“I-What? I don’t think that at all. This is the first time I ignored you on the pitch, I swear. Are you forgetting all the times I assisted you?”
Julian stays quiet. There goes Flo’s hope of not having to talk out this whole mess.
“Well, we’re not talking about all those other games. We are talking about today, Jamal.”
“Okay, so you want to know why I ignored you?”
Flo can’t help but notice the anger that is now radiating off of the other boy again, so he matches his tone, jutting out his chin in a challenge and crossing his arms in front of his chest.
“Please, enlighten me.”
“I didn’t pass the ball to you because ever since I came out to the team, you have been acting like an even bigger jerk than usual towards me. Look, I get that you don’t like me. But I won’t ignore homophobic bullshit like that.”
Flo swallows hard. Jamal couldn’t be further away from the truth, but obviously he can’t tell him that.
“Oh, so I’m homophobic now?” He asks mockingly.
“Yes. What else would you call the way you’ve been acting recently? You faked a headache the last time we were paired together in training. Please,” Jamal bites out sarcastically, “enlighten me why you would do that. Is it not because you can’t deal with the fact that I like men?”
Just when Flo thinks he might actually slap Jamal and resort to physical violence once again, Julian interrupts him.
“I think,” he says with a bit more empathy than before, “I think you guys would benefit from a few shared sessions with the team psychologist. Think of it as help with your anger management skills; you clearly need it. It goes without saying that neither of you will participate in the next two games. I can’t let your actions go unpunished.”
“But Julian, I-”
“No, Jamal. I understand where you are coming from, but you still got booked for hurting your own teammate. And Flo, there is a zero-tolerance policy for any form of bigotry on this team, do you understand?”
“I’m not homopho-“, Flo begins but is cut off instantly.
“I said, do you understand me?”
“Yes,” He replies quietly, now back to avoiding eye contact with the other player next to him. Shared therapy sessions with Jamal. Great. Just what he needs.
“Good. I’ll let you go back to the locker room now. Take a shower and sleep off whatever has gotten into you today. I’ll schedule your first session with Angie for tomorrow. I expect your active participation in it.”
With that he waves them off, and Jamal storms out of the room first, almost slamming the door into Flo’s face, as he slowly trails behind him.
Flo decides to take a shower in his hotel room, foregoing the chance of meeting Jamal in the team's shared bathroom next to the locker room. Nothing would be more awkward than having to spend more time stuck together.
And contrary to what Jamal might think, that's not because he's actually homophobic and doesn't want to spend time with a naked gay guy in the shower.
He just can't stand Jamal. Nothing to do with his sexuality, which the older boy had recently announced to the entire team.
It had been their first day back with the national team in the new year. Once their training session was over and they were all gathered in the changing room, Jamal had cleared his throat loudly, catching the attention of the players.
"I'm gay," Jamal had said, his voice shaking slightly, and suddenly the whole dressing room had been so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
As the awkward silence stretched on, Flo could feel goosebumps creeping up his skin. He had almost added a small, "Yeah, me too, actually," but then his brain had caught up with the situation.
Thank God he didn't actually say that out loud. He has a girlfriend, for fucks sake. And had been planning to take the secret of his sexuality to his grave, literally.
Jamal Musiala, on the contrary, had just come out to the entire German national team.
Flo's thoughts were racing through his brain as he anxiously waited for one of his teammates to react. If Thomas, Manuel, or Toni had still been there, they would have known what to say, but unfortunately they weren’t. Eventually, it was Joshua who broke the silence.
"Thanks for telling us," their captain had said, awkwardly patting Jamal's back.
The tension that was building up in the air had disappeared, and it felt like everyone let out a collective sigh of relief. Slowly more players muttered their comments. Flo heard a few “Proud of you”s and one "So, you got a boyfriend then?", which he's pretty sure was from Dennis, now that he’s thinking about it in retrospect, but he still didn’t lift his eyes from the floor.
So Jamal is gay. And he had come out to the entire German national team. Just like that. Like it's easy.
It’s been over a week since, but Flo still feels like he's going to throw up, and he's not entirely sure why.
Maybe it's jealousy of the words spilling out of Jamal's mouth with ease. Naturally, like he's said them a million times. I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay. Flo has been too scared to even think them, ever since he kissed a boy when he was 14 and realized that they might actually apply to him.
Maybe it’s the fact that of all people, it is Jamal, who apparently is so much braver than Flo himself. Jamal, the only teammate he’s had so far that he just can’t seem to get along with.
So while most of the players were still chatting, some of them trying to set up Jamal with their distant gay cousins or neighbors, Flo had quietly gotten up without saying anything. All he had wanted to do was to go to his hotel room and get lost in some TV show so that he wouldn’t have to think about any of this.
Just as he had left to head for the showers, he caught Jamal’s eyes across the room for a split second. And damn those big brown eyes and those stupid eyelashes. Flo knows exactly why they call him Bambi. He always looks a bit scared and wide-eyed, almost making Flo forget that they aren’t exactly friends. Almost.
Deep down he knows he should have just shot the other player a reassuring grin to show that he’s okay with it all. But instead he’d just quickly looked away and stepped through the door.
He just doesn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with any of this right now. Can’t find it in himself to care how Jamal might feel. It’s been obvious to Flo ever since their first meeting in 2021 that the other boy doesn’t like him much anyways.
At least that’s what Flo told himself whenever he felt Jamal’s eyes on him during the next couple of days of their training camp.
He had successfully avoided the other player as much as possible. It’s not like that’s new, they’ve never really interacted much outside of training, so nobody seemed to notice his inner turmoil.
Because against all rational thoughts, Flo has been so fucking angry. He’s not even sure who to direct his anger at, but a large part of it is definitely aimed at Jamal.
Why did he have to come out? Flo had been doing so well. He hadn’t even thought about the possibility of being with a guy in months. Not privately, and surely not publicly. But Jamal just had to make that an option. Because weirdly enough, everyone seems to be fine with it.
Flo had been careful to listen for the snide comments he’d expected from his teammates the days following Jamal’s coming out. Whispered snickers about Jamal looking at them in the locker room. Hushed voiced muttering slurs they’d never use when cameras are near. But he hadn’t caught a single negative word from anyone.
He knows the toxic and homophobic environment of professional football hasn’t just disappeared. After all, he has grown up with it for 21 years. But for now, although he doesn’t truly buy it just yet- at some point a player will slip up and let their true thoughts show, he’s certain of it- it doesn’t seem like it is that way with the German national team.
Which makes him even angrier at Jamal and his stupid confidence to just be himself and still be liked by everyone. Because Flo knows that’s what it is. Knows that maybe if another teammate had come out, the reactions would not have been that positive. It’s just that everyone loves Jamal, and, despite him having turned 22 recently, they still treat him like a kid who can do no wrong.
Which brings Flo back to thinking how stupidly unfair this is, because there really is no reason as to why the older boy should be so popular. Flo just doesn’t understand why he is so well liked. His few conversations with Jamal had always been tainted by this weird feeling that the other boy was teasing him, making fun of something that Flo couldn’t quite grasp.
So, he had just ignored Jamal even more than before he came out.
It had actually been easy. He’d stayed close to his Leverkusen teammates and made sure they weren’t on the same team in training matches. Once he faked a headache to get out of an exercise where he got paired with Jamal, but he likes to think he was quite convincing. Which, okay, apparently he wasn’t, given that Jamal just brought it up in front of Julian.
It hadn’t been that difficult to act like nothing had changed until today. Because during the match, all of his bottled-up anger had just blown up right in his face, landing him a yellow card, a suspension, and shared therapy sessions with Jamal.
Great.
The confused messages and missed calls from concerned friends, family, and his girlfriend that Flo is faced with when he flops down on his bed and turns on his phone only worsen his mood.