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They stop at a diner on their way home from the cemetery.
It’s not a fancy place. Just a small diner along the road. They eat mostly in silence, letting the hustle and bustling of the place around them to be the only sound between them, but it is not a bad kind of silence.
It’s loving and it’s easier than it has been in days. There is no tension, no harsh words hanging in the space between them and no overconsuming worry.
It shatters something in Carlos, in the best way possible, that they even though they soothed some of their differences over at the hospital, they are still sort of at odds with each other, due to not having the time to talk about everything they need to, but TK is still there with him.
He does not look like he would want to be anywhere else, but in that small booth at the diner.
He came to the hospital and stayed with him, even though he was completely out of the woods with his gunshot.
TK fussed over him at the hospital, kissed him with enough intensity to believe that his whole world was saved by seeing him alive and breathing in that hospital bed.
He even took days off from work to help him recover at home. He didn’t even ask if he needed to do that, he just did it. As if there were no question of it, as if it was given that he would want to do all of that for him.
Now, he is there with him, in the small diner, eating way too creasy fries, after offering to come to the graveyard with him so he wouldn’t have to be alone.
Carlos feels so incredibly loved and reassured, that even though they have their issues, it does not mean he would be receiving less of his love.
That he does not have to be perfect and everything to be worthy of it and of him.
Of their life together.
Carlos is not even sure why he is surprised. It has been like that for a long time, and TK always loves people with his full heart, and they have gotten better at communicating with each other, even when things are tough.
Despite the silence, there are conversations they need to have, and there are things Carlos wants to tell him, but he does not think the diner is the right place for it. He wants some peace and quiet, but he also wants to tell him as soon as possible, because TK deserves that.
He does not want TK to think for a moment longer that the life they have built together could crumble at any given moment.
He cannot do that to TK, he does not want to do it, not after everything that happened with Alex all those years ago. He does not want to continue his bad habit of talking about hard stuff only when it is absolutely necessary.
Carlos is aware that TK has not brought up the whole conversation of Jonah after he got shot. Even though TK did apologize for the way things were left between them when he left for work.
He is giving him space, and Carlos is grateful for it, but he has already made up his mind, and since that decision is most likely to give TK some peace of mind, he wants to tell him, but he is not sure what would be the best moment to speak about it.
Maybe the perfect moment does not even exist. It could be any of the moments that pass by them.
When they get back to the car, he becomes overwhelmed with the desire to tell TK. To let him know that he does not have to choose between the two people he loves. That he gets to have him and save his baby brother.
It would be borderline cruel not to tell him, right there and then, because he knows the way TK can get stuck in his own brain about the big things, especially when there is a possibility that his choices might not be reciprocated or approved of.
Instead of saying any of that, Carlos is aware that he is just staring at the black steering wheel of his car and holding his hands on both sides of it and he is not doing any sort of movement to ignite the engine and the moments just pass on.
“Everything okay?” TK asks, worry heavy in his voice and his gaze lingers down on his torso where the bandage is still wrapped around him underneath his shirt. “Does your wound hurt?”
Solely TK’s voice is enough to bring him back into the moment from the heaviness of his thoughts.
“Everything’s fine, no pain,” he says, softly and truthfully, but he does take his stetson off his head and throws it somewhere in the backseat.
Some of the tension from TK’s shoulders seems to melt at that and the corner of his mouth twitches.
“What is it then?”
Carlos wishes he could answer that with one word. That he could just speak up on all of the love that sits inside his ribcage without finding the right words. But maybe some of the love exists in choosing the words.
“I have been thinking,” he says, slowly, trying to find the right words as he lets his hands fall down from the wheel, “and there is something I told my dad back there, and I want you to know it, too.”
A few moments pass in complete silence, until TK sighs softly, almost defeatedly.
“Okay.”
Carlos presses his lips together. He is already sure of his decision, but it feels like something monumental is happening between them and it will shape the rest of their life together and it is a little terrifying.
“About us and– Jonah,” he clarifies, needlessly.
The air in their car has become thicker and heavier than it was before. TK is not even looking at him, but something across the parking lot.
Maybe at the group of garbage bins that are located on the other side.
“Hmmh,” TK hums, but without looking, he picks up his hand in his, across the console and squeezes it softly.
It could be a sign of that they are together, no matter what, and that the love between them does not disappear.
But for Carlos, it seems like a plea. Please don’t break my heart.
Please.
It is the last thing he would ever want to do.
He is painfully aware of the vulnerability and responsibility he has in that moment. Yet, Carlos’ heart is not pounding. It is calm and steady.
Probably steadier it has ever been when making a decision as huge as this, but still his breath seems to hitch in his throat.
But there is a little, but persistent fear in there, in his heart, that maybe saying his decision outloud might be too little and too late.
That once again, he is not enough. That he is not measuring up to what he should be as a husband. That he comes short, again, and he is destined to disappoint TK.
But Carlos wants to silence that voice.
“If you still want to adopt him, I’m– in,” Carlos says, quietly, but he keeps his gaze on TK for the whole time.
TK turns his head and just stares at him, as if he would have said something completely out of the realm of possibility. That he would have suggested the earth being flat after all.
Carlos feels the gnawing urge to explain himself, to prove that he is serious about it, that he is not just talking about it for the sake of it.
“I know what I said earlier. But–,” he starts, falling quiet for a moment, “ we could do it. We should do it.”
It feels freeing to say aloud. To the person he loves the most. To the person who deserves to hear it the most.
For a moment, TK does not say anything. He just breathes in, sharply and turns his gaze away from him again.
It lands again somewhere near the trash cans of the parking lot. They are almost impossibly full and look like they could tip over at any given moment.
“What made you change your mind?” he asks, almost impossibly quietly. “Because I–”
“A lot of things,” Carlos says, cutting him off, softly. He doesn’t want TK to think that he is only doing this to prevent a possible divorce. “Nearly dying being one of them.”
TK’s head turns again. His expression is almost unreadable, but at least he is not yanking his hand back.
“We should adopt my brother because you had a near death experience?”
“No,” Carlos breathes out, letting his gaze fall on his own thighs and he shakes his head weakly. “As I was laying on the ground and– the chief was holding the gun to my face–”
Carlos is perfectly aware that he stopped mid-sentence. He knows he should continue, but the words just get stuck in his throat.
TK does not pressure him. Instead, he soothingly rubs the side of his palm with his thumb. It is a calming and reassuring touch.
“It made me realise a lot of things,” Carlos continues, not knowing how long it took him to compose himself again. “Things that I’d regret if I died there. Regret the way things were between us, how caught up in my work I had been and that–I would have let fear dictate my life again.”
Every word of it is true. Still, somehow, the words feel clumsy and he thinks it is the dumbest thing that anyone has ever uttered.
That he realised what is important after he almost died. That kind of clarity is almost a cliche.
It is not even the first time he has almost died or come close to losing everything he holds dear.
Every time, life has proved him that nothing is guaranteed and life can change in an instant.
In a blink.
He has always thought he learned that lesson. That life is fragile and precious and now.
Yet, there he is. Dumbfounded again by the universe trying to drill in his head what is truly important, what truly matters.
Carlos guesses the only sensible thing he can do is to listen to it and learn something from it.
TK squeezes his hand, reassuringly, but the way his breathing gets little uneven, he can tell that TK is thinking about how close they came to losing everything, again.
“It’s a stupid realization really, in retrospect,” he breathes out, in the silence of the car, and he suddenly has to blink his burning eyes.
“It’s not stupid,” TK says, softly, but without missing a beat. “Stupid was not telling me that you were married.”
Carlos lets out shaky laugh and rolls his eyes. He is entirely sure TK will never let him live it down that he didn’t tell him about Iris until he was forced to.
But he can deal with that. Because that means TK is there with him.
“Fear of failing and not being good enough has shaped so much of my life decisions,” Carlos says, staring decidedly at the steering wheel instead of his husband. “Why I married Iris, the way my relationship with my parents was after coming out because I was afraid of their disapproval. The way I’ve not always things to you– even when you deserved to hear them.”
It is a persistent fear in his head, always being too much or not good enough, for the people he loves.
Carlos does not turn his head, but he feels TK’s finger tips graze his cheek, as if he was trying to cup his face, but cannot as they are still stuck side-by-side on their car seats.
“The way I buried myself into finding my dad’s killer because I was afraid to face my feelings about his– death.”
Everything is easier in retrospect, now. Now that he has some sort of closure, even though the closure is only in his mind, not in his heart.
Thinking about the way he has neglected TK and their marriage makes his heart clench in the worst way possible. But he knows he has neglected himself, too. He has not taken care of himself, either.
“And I think my reluctance about Jonah was only because I was letting my fear control my decisions again.”
Carlos knows it is the truth. Life with Jonah would mean a change, leaving their comfort zone, and he has never been good with change. It comes with too much that he cannot control, with too many possibilities to mess up and fail because all of it is so unpredictable.
There is no annoyed sigh from TK. He lets a breath out, but he does not say anything for a moment.
The fleeting moment of silence allows Carlos to look at the parking lot. The way some persistent rays of sunshine are hitting the ground through the clouds. All he can do is to stare at the contrast of shadow and light.
“What makes you afraid of it?” TK eventually asks, impossibly softly.
“Failing,” the words just fall from his lips, almost uncontrollably, “not being good enough for you and Jonah. Letting you down in more ways than one.”
That is what it always boils down to.
Always.
“Get out of the car.”
TK does not sound annoyed, but there is a certain urgency in his voice that was not there before.
The slight change in his voice confuses Carlos enough that all he can do is to blink and stare at him.
“What?”
“Get out of the car,” TK repeats as he is already opening his side of the car.
TK has already gotten out of the car and walked around the car almost to his side when Carlos even manages to open his door and step outside.
Warm Austin air hits his face immediately when he does step outside and as soon as he stands, TK hugs him.
More accurately, he almost slams his body against his and wraps his arms around him. The suddenness and force of the hug, makes Carlos stumble a few steps backwards, but he does not mind one bit.
Being in his embrace is making him feel steadier than in days.
Despite all of that, the hug is soft and reassuring and full of gentleness. Carlos himself keeps tracing a some sort of circular pattern against TK’s jacket.
“You’re always more than good enough, babe,” TK eventually breathes out, against his neck, “no matter what we end up doing.”
Something shatters in Carlos’ heart and all he can do is to slightly pull away from the hug and slide his fingers against TK’s back all up to his neck and kiss him with everything that he has.
TK responses to the kiss immediately and his lips taste like salt and the grease from the fries. His lips are slightly chapped, but Carlos barely even notices it.
It is an incredibly soft and slow kiss, as if they were tracing their love confessions against each other’s lips.
TK moves slightly and presses him against the car door and Carlos does not mind. He doesn't even care that there are other cars in the parking lot and the people from the diner can also see them if they bother looking out the window.
“I have two questions,” TK says, eventually when he pulls himself slightly backwards.
There is still almost no space between them. He can feel the warmth of TK’s skin radiating on him and TK’s leg is pressing against his left inner thigh.
“Okay,” Carlos replies easily, looping his thumbs on the belt loops of TK’s jeans, “anything.”
TK gives him a half-smile that lingers on his lips only for a moment and brushes his cheek with his thumb.
“Are you sure you are not doing this just for me?”
It’s a relevant question and Carlos does not blame him for asking, but he nods easily.
“I mean, I am sure and do love you and I don’t want to make you do– ,” he starts, looking for the right words, “a difficult choice between us and him when you don’t have to.”
That is his reasoning and it feels like it is enough. Love, love, love, that is all that it is.
“But?” TK prompts, gently.
“No buts” he says quietly, cocking his head to the side, “I’m also saying this because I think it will be the right thing to do by him, and you, and– me.”
It feels good to give something new a chance because it feels right. Because something good could come out of it and because it could cement their love in new and different ways. Expand it and make it grow tenfold.
TK gives him a genuine smile. The kind that lights up his whole face and makes laugh lines appear in the corner of his eyes. Carlos is glad his back is pressed against the car because otherwise his legs might give out on the sight of that smile.
Yet, it seems that he is trying to keep his smile, his joy and happiness, at bay. TK pokes his bicep and looks at him in a way that seems to reach his soul.
“Are you sure you are not doing this as some sort of atoning for your sins as you think you have to make up for me the past year?”
It’s another fair question and Carlos does feel seen. It’s the kind of thing the past version of him could have done, in an attempt to make things right, to prove his love by forgetting himself.
But right now, none of that matters in his mind when it comes to Jonah.
“I know I’ve things to make up for you, to try and be– better, take my husband duties a bit more seriously” Carlos says, softly, pulling him even closer by his belt loops, “but this is not one of those things. This is about– future, the possibility of it, and healing.”
TK considers his words for a moment, but he ends up squinting at him and poking him in the bicep again.
“You don’t have to be better,” he says, decisively, and all of the previous softness from his expression is overtaken by seriousness.
Carlos gets his point, but he is relentless about it.
Going to counseling, talking with Campbell, almost dying and finally catching his father’s killer, all have made it crystal clear to him.
He has not been the kind of husband that TK deserves, the kind of husband he promised to be in his wedding vows, and he has not made TK feel like he is the most important thing to him in the world.
There are a lot of things he wants to do better.
“I have not been the kind of husband I want to be to you,” Carlos murmurs, holding his gaze. “Room for improvement and so on.”
TK rolls his eyes spectacularly, but the softness has crept back into his gaze. There is nothing but love in the way he looks at him.
“You still have been the person I fell in love with,” he says, tracing his jaw with his thumb, but his touch comes to a halt on his chin, “just grieving.”
TK kisses him briefly on the lips, and Carlos is not sure what he has done to be in the receiving end of so much understanding and love, but it feels like he is drowning in it.
“Still,” Carlos insists, stubbornly, “I want to show my love more. Pay attention. Be more present. Spend time with you.”
Carlos already has plans. Of the things he wants to do with TK, starting from re-doing the honeymoon, but he has ideas for so much more than that. He will woo and romance his husband in the way he deserves.
“I’m not saying no to that,” TK replies with a soft huff, as he lets his hand glide up and down on Carlos’ arm, “but I have a third question.”
It does not really surprise him. It’s a big conversation to have, especially in the parking lot of a diner, but in general, too. But he is ready to give TK all the reassurance in the world about his decision, and he gets why he needs and wants it.
“Shoot away.”
“Not a great choice of words,” TK replies, without missing a beat and his gaze immediately falls down onto his chest and he frowns. “Are you sure?”
In a way, it might be the biggest question of them all and it does not feel right to answer something so big with just one short word.
“As sure as I am about anything in this world,” Carlos murmurs, holding TK’s gaze, but he lets his own gaze drop for a moment down to TK’s lips, looking at the curve of his mouth that he knows like he would have studied it for years, “as sure as I am about you.”
There is nothing in this world that he is more sure of than TK. He is a constant and steady in his life, like a rock, or a north star. He was sure of him when his dad was killed, he was sure of him when he was kidnapped and could see him through the doorbell camera, he was sure of him when their home burned down.
As sure as he is about him, he is even more sure of their love and their need to be together and that they would have found their ways back to each other in any way possible. It is that strong of a pull, of a traction.
And Carlos is sure as hell, he is not going to let TK slip away from him again because he gets too stuck in his own head and is reluctant towards change.
TK looks like he might say something, but instead he hugs him again and tries to eradicate any kind of space between them. Carlos smiles as he wraps his arms around him, too. They don’t move for a while and the wind is picking up again around them.
“You’re not the only one who has things to apologize for,” TK mutters, against his shoulder, slightly sheepishly.
“What?”
Carlos can admit that he sometimes has a little hard time thinking about anything else but TK when he is right there, in his arms, and pressed against him, and it might be the case right now, too, but he cannot come up with anything that TK should apologize for.
TK pulls away and lets his hands fall to his side. He shoves them into the pockets of his jacket and looks at him. It is as if he would be in physical pain, his eyes are glistening brightly, but his frown is deep and there is certain uneasiness about him.
“I told you over a year ago that not wanting kids would not be a deal-breaker, that you would be enough,” he says, quickly, biting the inside of his cheek, “and now I feel– like I’m forcing you. Like there are no good options here for you.”
“It’s different,” Carlos replies, with a soft sigh, but his heart is breaking just by looking at him, “it’s your brother.”
“Still,” TK insists.
Carlos understands him painfully well. After the conversation they had before their wedding, he did not think they would have to revisit the topic so soon. That it would be like this, so urgent and so full of tension. That he would have to make up his mind so soon.
TK never gave him the ultimatum, to say yes to adopting Jonah or that it would be all over for them. He did not have to. Carlos understood it anyway because that is the kind of person that his husband is.
TK would sacrifice his own happiness and everything in his life for the people he loves, especially for his little brother, and if he had said no, TK would have moved on with the adoption process alone. That would have left their relationship in a swamp of uncertainty.
Carlos cannot even be mad about it, because he understands it. He would do anything for his own sisters and one of the many reasons he fell in love with TK was the size of his heart and his relentless tendency wanting to help others, and make sure no one suffers the way he has.
But deep down, Carlos appreciates his apology. It makes him feel seen and loved. That his feelings are taken into consideration, as well. He is also aware if there ever is a moment to voice his hurt about the situation, it is now.
Carlos exhales deeply.
“Maybe looking up adoption lawyers without talking to me wasn’t the nicest thing,” he says, under his breath, but he does end up kissing TK’s forehead after saying it.
TK groans and buries his face into his shoulder again. “I’m so sorry.”
Something seems to shift into its right place in Carlos’ heart at the acknowledgement and apologizing. It is more than he could ask for at that moment. He smiles, even though he knows TK cannot see it.
“That’s what matters,” Carlos murmurs, against TK’s hair and plants a kiss on the crown of his head, “and you’re not forcing me to do anything. Sometimes the circumstances throw things our way at a different time than we would like and plan, but– that does not make them bad things.”
In retrospect, nothing about their relationship and the way they have fallen for each other has gone according to plans. To be fair, no one plans for the arsonists, shootings, kidnappings, planes falling down, deaths in the family and embezzlement scheme of a step-parent.
All of it is just life throwing curve balls at them and the universe having a cruel sense of humor, but they have held their ground through it all, maybe because they have had each other through it all.
Most importantly, they were not looking for each other when they crossed paths. TK did not want anything to do with commitment and relationship, and he did not think he could ever be everything that someone wanted in a partner, that there was always some flaw in him that scared people away. That he wanted more than he could get.
Yet, here they are.
“Sometimes they end up being the best things,” TK points out, echoing his own thoughts, and Carlos is suddenly very aware of his wedding ring, of the weight and warmth of it, against his skin, in the best way possible.
“Mhmh,” he hums, finally looking at TK again, “and if there is anyone I’d give this a shot with, it is you, and I think giving Jonah a stable childhood in a home filled with love is also enough reason to try.”
That little boy who has lost more than any people should in a lifetime has suffered enough and Carlos adores him. It goes without saying how much he loves TK, and all of that is more than enough reason to try and change all of their lives and to become a family.
TK flashes him a smile, but it is heavy with all kinds of emotion. He brushes his neck gently.
“As long as you are happy with it.”
It is the only decision he could be happy with, the only decision that allows him to live with himself and keep loving.
The sun has come out between the grey clouds and the rays of it are almost blindingly bright.
“I am.”
“It might be a long process,” TK says, running his hand through his hair, showing his anxiousness and stress about all of it, again. It is as if a persistent force is bubbling back up again and again.
Carlos knows he cannot take that stress and fear away from him, even though he would like to, but he can try to calm him down, to reassure him, and gently guide his thoughts away from the spirals.
“That’s okay,” he says, as softly as he can, reaching to wrap his fingers around TK’s wrists and pull his hands away from the pockets, “time is going to pass anyway.”
Carlos lets his fingers stay on TK’s pulse point for a moment, before he intertwines their fingers together, on both hands, simultaneously. His hands are a little dryer against TK’s, there are calluses on his thumbs, but their hands fit together, like puzzle pieces.
“It might be difficult,” TK says, with a heavy sigh, looking at the ground, the cracked asphalt underneath their feets, instead of him, “especially with my– background with addiction.”
Carlos’ heart clenches painfully just at the vulnerability and rawness of his voice. Carlos knows he cannot fix the situation and there is nothing to fix, really. They cannot lie about the addiction and he knows TK would never want that. It’s not something one can just sweep underneath the figurative rug and forget.
It’s something that TK has to work on, everyday, but he hates that it is still looming over him, years into recovery.
“Hey,” Carlos murmurs, softly, and he is glad when TK finally locks his eyes with him, “then we will fight. I believe in you and I will vouch for you. You are not your addiction. You’re so much more than that.”
Every word is the truth and he is speaking from the bottom of his heart. He would not be saying yes to trying to get Jonah live with them if he did not think that their home would be the absolute best place for him to grow up in.
TK inhales sharply, but his eyes are shining with love and gratitude.“Yeah, I know you do.”
“We are a team,” Carlos says, trying to emphasise each word, “you don’t have to do this alone.”
TK’s hair seems much lighter in the sunlight, but the way he beams, with a radiant smile, makes everything seem lighter about him and in his Carlos’ heart, too.
TK squeezes his hands and tilts his head to the left, “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
It feels as if they both are saying I love you, all over again for the first time.