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They say to love someone is to know them, and if there’s anyone Tooru knows best, it’s Iwaizumi Hajime.
It starts when Tooru is seven years old. He spots an envelope on his sister’s desk one evening when he's supposed to be fetching her for dinner. “Nee-san, what's that?” he asks curiously, reaching out to pick it up.
She whirls around from her homework and whacks him gently on the head. “That's private business,” she tuts. “Teenager stuff.”
Tooru’s eyes grow wide. His older sister is so cool with her pretty makeup and shiny hair clips. The promise of teenagerdom calls to him, and he steps closer, resting his head against her shoulder. “Can you give me a hint?” he begs. “I promise I won't tell anyone, not even Hajime-kun!”
“Really? Not even Hajime-kun?” she asks in disbelief. “He's your best friend!”
Tooru nibbles at his lower lip, clearly torn between the bonds of friendship and the allure of teenage secrets. “I double promise,” he says finally, with a decisive nod.
His sister laughs. “Wow, this must really mean a lot to you. I guess I have to tell you then. Remember, this is only for teenagers so you can't tell anyone.” She leans over, eyes sparkling and lifts a hand up to her mouth. Tooru leans in, vibrating with excitement. “It's a love letter,” she whispers dramatically, before leaning back.
Tooru stares at his sister. His sister stares at him.
“What's that?” he asks after a moment, and she lets out a bark of laughter.
“A love letter is a note that you write to someone you care about. It could be your family or your friend or someone else that you love.” She explains patiently.
Tooru nods, his eyes ablaze with newfound knowledge and maturity. “Thanks nee-san,” he calls over his shoulder as he scampers out of his sister’s room and begins pulling out the junk drawers in the kitchen, looking for a spare envelope. When he finally finds one, he runs back down the hall to his room and flattens out a spare sheet of notebook paper.
— – —
Deer Hajime-kun, he writes, this is a love leter for you. A love leter is a note you right to someone you care about! I think your the best bug cacher ever, becuse you always find the bigest ones even if their hidden. I like how you set them free, even if bugs are gross. Do you think we’ll be best friends forever? I love you!
— – —
Tooru signs his name with a flourish at the bottom and even draws a smiley face for good measure. He goes to write Hajime’s name on the envelope and smacks a kiss on the edge to seal it, when it dawns on him. He promised his sister he wouldn't tell anyone about love letters, and he double promised he wouldn't tell Hajime!
He frowns, thinking. Nee-san said love letters were for teenagers, so maybe if he just waits until they're teenagers to give the letter to Hajime-kun, it won't count! Tooru opens up his closet and finds an old shoebox, dropping the letter in for safe keeping. Throughout the rest of elementary school, Tooru continues to write letters to Hajime, each one a sweet note of friendship and love.
— – —
Dear Hajime-kun, your birthday party was the best! I hope you like the present I got you, I saved up all my allowance to get you a real Godzilla like one in the movies. You better take care of him, or else! Love, your bestest friend Tooru
— – —
Dear Hajime, I know you won't believe me but I swear I saw an alien abduction last night!! I was in my room, reading under the covers cause I couldn't sleep, then all of the sudden my room lit up like it was daytime! I looked outside and I saw a car driving by but no one was in it!!! I told you so! Tooru
— – —
2 Hajime: I kno we don’t have fones yet but u can still rite lyk this so we r ready 4 when we do! T
— – —
2 Iwa ~ can u blieve we r gonna b in middle skool in a few months? I can't w8 2 go to kitagawa daichii w/ u. we’ll b the best setter-ace duo they've evr cn! ne1 who’s cn us play b4 knows it! thx 4 playing vb w/ me Iwa, there's no1 else I’d rather set 2. neways this is getting long, ttyl! ~ Kawa
— – —
Tooru rediscovers the shoebox in his last year at Kitagawa Daichii. He’s cleaning up his room in preparation for the new year when he knocks down the old shoebox, and a handful of letters come spilling out. At first he's confused - why does he have a bunch of letters for Iwaizumi? Who are they even from? Before it dawns on him.
He considers throwing them away. Now that he actually knows what a love letter is, even having gotten a few himself, he knows that Iwa can never find out about these. It's embarrassing enough how much Tooru clung to Iwa as a child, getting cranky when he had play dates with other children and calling him Hajime for much longer than any of their other childhood friends. These letters would put it over the top. Still, it's a little sad to think about little Tooru writing his heart out, only to have them thrown in the trash by future Tooru. He supposes there’s a part of him that can't let little Tooru down, so he stacks them back in the shoebox and places it back on the shelf.
Tooru finds himself pulling out an envelope soon after. Like a muscle memory that's been awakened, now that he remembers writing letters to Iwa, it's like he can’t stop thinking about it.
He especially can't stop thinking about it today, his ears still burning red with shame as he thinks about how Iwa saw his own movements before he did, grabbed his wrist so tightly, and knocked some sense into him (quite literally).
— – —
Thank you, Iwa, he writes through blurry vision, for stopping me when I couldn't stop myself. I don't know if I could have forgiven myself if I’d actually hit him. You're right, it's not just about me - the team with the stronger six is stronger. I promise I’m going to make us stronger, and we’re going to beat stupid Ushiwaka and Shiratorizawa.
— – —
A few tears fall onto the page and he brushes them away, folding up the paper and sealing it into an envelope. He's been told off for his pride all too often, but this feeling of shame is even worse. He shoves the letter into the shoebox, and wonders how it went from the sweet honesty of elementary school to the sour guilt of middle school.
— – —
Middle school gives way to high school, and Tooru finds himself on the volleyball team alongside Iwaizumi and two other first years named Hanamaki and Matsukawa. Despite being in different classes, the four quickly become close, often studying together and eating lunch together outside. As Iwaizumi grows taller and stronger, Tooru picks up his old habit of letter writing as a way to get all his feelings out.
— – —
Iwa-chan~ do you like your new nickname? You said I couldn't call you Hajime or Iwa anymore, so Iwa-chan will have to do!
— – —
First year turns to second, and Iwaizumi shines as an upperclassman. He’s responsible and dependable, and Tooru knows that he’s a shoe-in to take over as the ace next year. All the second and third years listen to him and the first years look up to him (although some more figuratively than literally, Tooru teases mentally) and it’s not long before girls start to take notice too.
— – —
Dear Iwa-chan, he writes, you got your first high school confession today. I knew it was only a matter of time before other people started to see what I've known for years now. You're a good person, Iwa-chan. You're honest, dependable, and strong, and you're no longer a scrawny first year. It's no surprise you're getting confessed to now. Any girl would be lucky to have you. I’m lucky to have you as my best friend, I just have to remember that.
— – —
Iwa-chan – do you know what you do to me when you introduce me as your setter? Not the team’s or Seijoh’s, but yours. It feels so good to be yours, even if it's not the way I want. I know you're thinking about quitting volleyball once we get to university, and a part of me hopes you never play without me. I don't want anyone else to be your setter, anyone else to be yours. I know, I’m selfish that way, but I think I share enough of you already. I’m proud to call you my ace, but god don't I wish I could call you something more.
— – —
By the end of his third year, Tooru thinks he understands the depths of his feelings for Iwaizumi when he reveals his plans to go abroad. For once, Iwaizumi is the first to reach out, wrapping his arms around Tooru and gruffly whispering “you're gonna do great,” before pushing him back and ruffling his hair. He then calls for the team to go out to celebrate at Tooru’s favorite ramen place, even sneakily picking up the bill before anyone has the chance to pay.
“Jose Blanco wants me! Who would’ve thought?” Tooru crows to his teammates, always happy to be the center of attention.
“We did,” Hajime offers, his deep voice solemn and soft.
“We believe in you captain, always,” Mattsun and Makki cheer, throwing their arms around him as he tries his best not to cry.
Tooru’s tempted to linger afterwards, to throw caution to the wind seeing how it’s his last chance to say anything, but instead he chooses to stay silent, soaking up the last few weeks of his time with Iwaizumi and pouring his heart out onto the page.
— – —
Dear Iwa-chan , he scribbles, I don't know what I’d do if you asked me to stay. Volleyball is my passion, my dream, but sometimes I think so are you.
— – —
Greetings from Argentina! ;D After a terrible, terrible flight I finally made it, and wow is it beautiful! I haven't met the entire team yet, but I’m rooming with one of the middle blockers for now. He seems really nice but between his terrible Japanese and my terrible English, it's mostly just thumbs ups and pointing. I guess you were right about all that studying, but only one of us needed to take a test to go abroad! ;9 Apparently there are a lot of Japanese people in Brazil, which is pretty close, so maybe I’ll have to visit so I can actually know what people are saying. >.< Wish you were here!
— – —
Dear Iwa-chan, tomorrow is my first day of practice with CA San Juan. It’ll also be the first time I step onto a volleyball court without you by my side. I've always known that you’re more than my ace, you're my lucky charm too. When I'm in a tight spot, all I have to do is get the ball to you, and I know you'll break through. This is about more than just volleyball by the way. It goes without saying, but I miss you.
— – —
California looks great on you, Iwa-chan. I know how worried you were about leaving your family and having to use English everyday (gross!) but it sounds like you're doing amazing. I’m so proud of you. Part of me wishes I could be there with you, but I think the other part knows that this is something you needed to do on your own, just like I did. Just promise me you won't need to do too much on your own, okay?
— – —
It's been over a decade since Tooru began writing letters to Iwaizumi, and it all comes full circle one unfortunate day. It's only natural that the one who introduced him to love letters is the one to be his downfall.
“Can you just check for me?” Tooru huffs into the phone. He can picture his sister rolling her eyes, but it's not like he asked her to travel to the moon or anything! All he needs is for her to open the damn closet and see if he has another pair of volleyball shoes, or if he needs to order another pair so he can pick them up when he's home in Sendai.
“Fine, but you owe me big time,” she eventually concedes with a grin.
“Owe you?!” Tooru shrieks, “You go home like twice a week! Takeru has his own room there!”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll check next time I go over,” she promises.
A few days later he gets a text that reads “no shoes, just boxes,” and confirms a purchase for a new pair that he’ll pick up the next week. He makes a mental note to leave enough space in his suitcase to bring them back, and decides maybe he’ll need to bring an extra large check in.
— – —
Dear Iwa-chan, I’m writing this to you from the airport lounge in Argentina! I've missed you so much and can't wait to see your grumpy, wrinkly face in person for once. Skype just isn't the same! I hope you've missed me too. Maybe next year you'll be able to fly out to visit me like you wanted, or I can come visit you in California. Can you imagine me in Los Angeles, Iwa-chan? I bet I’ll get stopped by so many people who want to take my picture! Oops, I think my flight is boarding now so I gotta go. See you soon!
— – —
The exhaustion from the literal day of travel sets in the moment Tooru crosses the threshold of his family home. Takeru, no longer the excitable tween, greets him from the couch, while his mom and sister rush over to hug and coo over him.
“Have you been good? Are you eating enough over there?” his mom asks as his dad lugs in one of Tooru’s giant suitcases.
“No, I don't need any help, thank you though,” he huffs goodnaturedly as he sits down next to Takeru.
Tooru wraps his arm around his mom and sister and soaks it all in. For all the friends he's made in Argentina, there's nothing like the comfort of home. “I need a nap like yesterday, then I want to show everyone what gifts I brought,” he says, his sleepy smile still bright and dazzling.
He makes his way to his room, suitcase in tow. When the door quietly clicks closed, he lays the suitcase down and quickly pops it open, before pulling out a stack of letters. Maybe he didn't need to bring them back home, but it felt strange to separate the letters from each other, as if the Iwaizumi of his childhood was different from the one of present day.
He flips through the envelopes absently as he stands up and opens his closet door, only to look up and see the top shelf is empty. The top shelf which used to have a shoebox that contains literally all of the love Tooru has for Iwaizumi in it. The shoebox that is missing.
He stretches up on his toes and pushes the bedding and sweaters around, wondering if its gotten moved behind something, but comes up with nothing.
“What the fuck!?” he hisses, letters falling to the floor.
He storms down the hallway and finds his sister on the couch. Ignoring Takeru’s question of “I thought you were taking a nap?” he grabs her arm and drags her back to his room.
“Where the fuck is my shoebox?” he demands.
“Shoebox?” she looks genuinely confused and perhaps a little concerned for his sanity. “I thought you needed to buy new shoes?”
“No, no, my shoebox!” he cries. “On my top shelf there was a shoebox filled with letters. It's not there anymore and I know you were the last person in here!”
“Ohhh, the letters for Iwaizumi,” she says, and Tooru breathes a sigh of relief. Nee-san knows what he's talking about and she's going to show him where they are and it’s all going to be okay. “I gave those to him when he came over last week.”
“What?!” Tooru actually shrieks, before clapping a hand over his own mouth. He inhales deeply before he begins talking again. “Why would you do that?!? Iwa-chan was never supposed to see any of those!!”
“They had his name on them, I thought they were for him!” she cries, “Who the fuck writes letters they don't intend to send, you weirdo?! Get a Tumblr like everyone else!”
Tooru runs his hands through his hair in distress as he tries to mentally unpack everything that's happened in the last five minutes.
- Tooru has been writing his own version of love letters to Iwaizumi since he was seven
- In several of those letters, Tooru has confessed the depths of his feelings for Iwaizumi
- His sister gave Iwaizumi the letters last week
- Tooru is going to kill his sister and then himself
“Maybe he hasn't read them yet,” she offers hopefully, patting his shoulder comfortingly. “He’s been acting the same with you, hasn't he? He would've said something by now if he had.”
Tooru nods slowly. It's true that nothing seemed amiss with Iwaizumi the past week. Sure, it had been a little harder to chat with the extended time difference, but Tooru had always woken up to texts and pictures of their hometown and former classmates as Iwaizumi caught up with everyone.
He nods again, quickly and decisively. “You're right,” he chirps, “Iwa-chan probably didn't even bother to open the box, he's lazy like that! I bet he's just waiting for me to tell him what's inside!”
His sister breathes a sigh of relief, wisely deciding not to tell Tooru that she absolutely told Iwaizumi they were letters from Tooru and that he had opened the box to peek inside.
— – —
The next morning finds Tooru pacing in his backyard, trying to come up with a plan as to how he is going to retrieve the letters. “I could tell him they’re meant for someone else,” he muses, before shaking his head. “No, he might ask to see them and then what will I do when he sees his name on all the envelopes? Maybe I could tell him it’s actually part of a science experiment and he’s not supposed to look until 2035 and if he does he’ll ruin it if he looks at it too early?” He thinks about it for a moment then scoffs, “No, Iwa-chan would love to ruin my experiment.”
His mom pokes her head out the back door to Tooru’s chatter with a wry grin. “Are you going to see Hajime-kun today? I talked to his mom yesterday and she said he’s running errands for her in the morning and he should be back home in the afternoon.”
Tooru perks up at the news. “Wait so he’s gone now, but he’ll be back later?” he cries, lighting up when his mom nods, confused. “That’s perfect, I’ll go over and wait for him!”
He bolts out the side yard, the gate swinging wildly behind him as he jogs down the street to the Iwaizumi household.
“Pardon the intrusion,” he calls out as Iwaizumi’s mom opens the door. Her face lights up into a smile, and he leans down for a hug, her quiet strength quite similar to that of her son.
“How are you Tooru-kun? I didn’t know you were coming today otherwise I would’ve been sure to get some milk bread. Is Hajime expecting you?”
“He’s not here?” Tooru gasps, looking around the room as if Iwaizumi could be hiding somewhere. “Iwa-chan and I were supposed to hang out today, but I guess he forgot,” he chides, shaking his head. “Y’know what, I’ll just go wait for him in his room. Maybe he left a note or something.”
He bounds up the stairs, and bursts into Iwaizumi’s room, letting out a sigh of relief when he sees the shoebox sitting on his desk. At least now he doesn’t have to tear apart the place looking for it.
When he opens the box, he can’t tell if any of the letters have been read. As a child, he’d closed the envelopes up with a kiss, rather than anything that could actually seal them. It’d been rather romantic to him at the time, but now Tooru finds himself wishing he’d been a little more practical.
Now that he’s found the shoebox and its contents, Tooru just needs to get it back home without being discovered. Surely, Iwaizumi’s mom will have questions if she sees him leaving with a shoebox that he didn’t come in with, but he has plenty of time until Iwaizumi returns to figure it out.
He tries shoving the shoebox under his shirt, but that just makes him look ridiculous. He contemplates throwing it out the window and retrieving it on his way out, but Iwaizumi’s room overlooks the living room and the risk that his mother would notice something dropping from the sky is too high.
Tooru is so caught up in trying to solve his predicament that he doesn’t notice the sound of the front door closing from downstairs, nor the creak of the bedroom door opening.
“The hell are you up to?” a voice cries.
Tooru nearly drops the box in surprise. “Iwa-chan!” he cries, schooling his face into a smile as he turns around to greet him. “You’re back early!”
“Yeah, my mom was upset that I had forgotten about our plans. She called me all mad that I was making you wait around for me,” he huffs, “Only I’m pretty sure we didn’t have any plans, Shittykawa.”
Tooru lets out a high, warbling laugh. “Oh, we didn’t? Silly me!” He titters, shoving the shoebox behind him and doing his best to back out of the room. “Well, I better get going then, nice to see you Iwa-chan, let’s hang out tomorrow alright?”
He thinks he’s almost made it, too, until he hears a suspicious, “what’ve you got behind your back?”
“Oh, this? It’s nothing,” he cries, “just some old trash that needs to be taken care of, don’t worry I’ll throw it away for you.”
“Don’t you dare throw my letters away Tooru,” Iwaizumi says, closing the gap between them and reaching around him to wrestle the shoebox from his grasp. He opens up the box and shakes it gently, the envelopes shuffling around inside. Tooru sighs, knowing his secret’s out. “I’ll give you one chance to explain,” and Tooru does.
“Really, this is all Nee-san’s fault,” he huffs, staring at the massive pile of envelopes. “When I was little she told me that you’re supposed to write love letters to people you care about, and you’re my best friend so of course I wrote letters to you, and then I guess I just…never stopped.” He tilts his head back up to finally look at Iwaizumi, steeling himself for the anger or disgust on his face, but instead seeing nothing but fondness. “Iwa-chan?” he says softly, daring for a moment to hope.
“I was planning on giving this to you tomorrow, but since you snuck over here, I might as well give it to you now,” he huffs, pulling a plain white envelope off his desk and handing it to Tooru.
Confused, he breaks open the seal and pulls out a sheet of paper filled with Hajime’s blocky writing.
— – —
Dear Tooru, by the time you’re reading this, you’ll already know that I love you too. I don’t care how far apart we are, you are always worth the wait. Yours always, Hajime.
— – —
“Iwa-chan!” He warbles, eyes filling with tears as he looks up from the letter.
“I had a whole speech and everything,” he murmurs as he steps forward to cup his cheeks and wipe them away. “Of course you couldn’t wait for that though.” He shakes his head fondly. “I don’t think I really understood how much you meant to me until you were no longer by my side. I spent every night that first week wanting to call you and beg you to come home, but I knew you were out there following your dream.” He laughs softly as more tears spill from Tooru’s eyes and pulls his sleeves over his hands to dry them. “I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out, but I love you Tooru. I think I always have. And Argentina, California, Japan – wherever you and I are, we’ll always find each other. I promise you that.”
Tooru smiles wetly and presses their foreheads together. “I love you too, Hajime,” he murmurs.
Every version of Hajime has been loved by Tooru, and as it turns out, every version of Tooru has been loved in return. From a snotty toddler to a reluctant bug-hunter to a world famous setter to who knows what next, Hajime has loved and will love Tooru every step of the way.