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Jamil was at the beach again. He knew he should be studying, or getting ready for bed, but it was a warm evening, and he had been inside all day. It was good to be outside, away from the school and away from his classmates.
Away from Kalim.
No. Don’t think about him right now.
Jamil sat down. He kicked his sandals off and buried his toes in the sand, listening to the waves gently lapping at the shore.
It was quiet. Quiet was nice. It was easier to think when it was quiet.
He stared out at the sea. The setting sun painted the waves a fiery orange color, and the light danced playfully on the rippling waters.
The glow of the sun reminded him of Kalim. Golden and bright and warm. The sunlight danced on the water like how he danced with Jamil.
He could picture it now. Kalim would dance with him here, the two of them kicking up sand as they spun around each other. Kalim’s laughter would ring through the air. His hair would flutter in the wind as he twirled this way and that way. His brown skin would shimmer and shine in the sunset.
Jamil would forget himself, and he would pull him closer. Kalim would go quiet, staring up at him with wide, surprised eyes. Jamil’s hand would be on the small of his back, and Kalim would wrap his arms around Jamil’s waist. And then Jamil would lean down, and then…
And then…
Jamil sighed. Not again.
He tried to push the thoughts away. He wasn’t so stupid as to indulge in a fantasy like that. It was a ridiculous thought. A childish daydream.
He wished Kalim wasn’t so happy and sunny all the time. He wished he didn’t make his heart ache like this. He wished Kalim didn’t like him so much. It would be easier if Kalim hated him.
Jamil traced patterns absentmindedly into the sand, feeling the coarse grains on the pad of his finger. He had to remember that he was a Viper. A servant. It wasn’t his place to fantasize about things like that. His parents would have his head if they found out he even dared to think of an Asim in such a way. What would they say, if they somehow found out? Found out about his preference for men, for Kalim? They would be horrified. They would be disgusted.
And yet, he couldn’t help himself. The thought of loving or, Seven forbid, marrying a woman filled him with dread. Kissing her, holding her, lying next to her every night… Ugh. Just imagining it made his stomach turn.
But doing all of that with another boy… That was appealing. That was something he wanted. Especially if that other boy was—
No. Stop.
Jamil shouldn’t even be thinking these things. It was too dangerous. His parents would kill him.
…
But it wasn’t like his parents could read his mind.
He closed his eyes. He had a feeling that this would only make him want Kalim more, but he could hardly bring himself to care.
In his mind, he was in Kalim’s room, and Kalim was trying to braid his hair, but he kept messing up the knots. He could hear him laughing, even as Jamil lightly scolded him. He could see the smile on his face. He could feel Kalim’s hands in his hair, running his fingers through the long, silky strands almost reverently, like he was braiding the hair of the Fairest Queen herself.
It’s not fair, said Kalim, sighing wearily. Your hair’s too soft. I can’t help but play with it a little.
Jamil rolled his eyes. If you don’t learn to control yourself, I’m going to cut it all off.
Kalim laughed. No, you won’t.
He took Jamil’s chin in his hand, turning his face towards him, a fond smile on his face. You wouldn’t look nearly as handsome.
Kalim leaned in closer and pressed a kiss to his lips. And their kiss was chaste and tender, like how the sun kissed the horizon at sunset. Like the ebb and flow of the waves. Like a tide pulling Jamil in so slowly and carefully and sweetly he wouldn’t even notice he wasn't anywhere near the shore anymore.
They broke apart. Jamil exhaled softly.
I like you, Kalim giggled. I like you, I like you, I like you!
The scene shifted before Jamil had a chance to respond. They were suddenly at the oasis, lying hidden in the flourishing greenery, the dim light of the moon illuminating the water. Jamil smelled the sweet jasmine blooming all around him. He heard the palm fronds rustling in the wind.
He felt Kalim, so solid and real in his arms, looking at him with that same sweet smile he always looked at Jamil with. He placed a quick kiss on the tip of Jamil’s nose.
For a moment, it felt like they were two normal teenagers falling in love for the first time, sneaking away from their responsibilities to steal kisses from each other in the dead of night and to pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist, that time had stopped just for the two of them. Kalim pulled away from Jamil’s embrace to lie flat on his back. He hummed quietly, looking up at the night sky. The stars twinkled overhead.
Have you ever wished on a star, Jamil?
Jamil followed his gaze. Once, he admitted. When I was really young. Five or six, I think.
Really? Kalim raised his eyebrows in surprise. What did you wish for?
I can’t tell you that, Kalim.
What? Why not? Come on, Jamil, you can tell me anything.
Anything except this. My wish won’t come true if I tell you what it is, you know.
Kalim laughed. Okay, okay, fine. Keep your secrets.
They were silent for a moment. Kalim looked back at Jamil, watching the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.
Hey, Jamil?
Hm?
Do you think your wish will ever come true one day?
Jamil turned his head to glance at Kalim. Glancing turned into looking. Looking turned into staring. The more he stared at Kalim, the more he noticed about him. The length of his eyelashes. The shape of his nose. The way the moonlight made his eyes sparkle.
Jamil tried desperately to break free of this spell, to escape the relentless thumping of his heart in his chest. Kalim’s face was so close to his. His gaze flickered down to the other boy’s lips.
Kalim had always been softer than Jamil. Softer hands. Softer eyes. Softer heart. Would Kalim’s lips be just as soft as the rest of him?
Jamil couldn’t do anything to hide the small smile that had begun to form on his lips. I think it might, one day.
The feeling of the waves splashing against Jamil’s feet brought him back to reality. He opened his eyes to see the sky beginning to turn indigo. He groaned in frustration.
What is wrong with me?
This was pathetic. He felt pathetic. Why did he have to be the one stuck with these feelings? Why couldn’t someone else have fallen for Kalim so hard? Why couldn’t he just hate Kalim?
Kalim had a way of making people like him, whether they wanted to or not. He made it seem so effortless, how he could win people over with a bright smile and a few kind words. Jamil couldn’t have resisted his strange charms even if he tried.
And the Seven know he had tried.
Maybe the Seven had cursed him. Cursed him to always want things he couldn’t have. Recognition. Freedom. Kalim.
Jamil cursed the Seven. Jamil cursed his fool heart.
He sighed. It was getting late.
He brushed the sand off of his feet and put his sandals back on.