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Ryuunosuke hoped Atsushi knew that he wasn’t ashamed of him, even though he kept their relationship a secret. They’d been seeing each other for a little over six months, and Ryuunosuke was adamant that no one could find out that they were dating. But it wasn’t because he didn’t want people to know he was dating Atsushi. It was because he didn’t want them to know Atsushi was dating him.
Ryuunosuke would love to be able to brag about the wonderful, stunning, kind man he had managed to trick into loving him, but if anyone knew that Atsushi was dating the “Hellhound of the Port Mafia” he would be an instant target. Not to mention the way everyone would start asking Atsushi if he was safe and talking him into leaving. Ryuunosuke didn’t think he could handle it, as he felt inferior enough to Atsushi without other’s opinions, so he asked Atsushi to keep their relationship a secret.
And Atsushi, the saint he was, obliged, and hadn’t told anyone, including his chosen family at the agency. Ryuunosuke felt terrible to ask that of Atsushi, but it was for the best. He really hoped Atsushi knew that the request was made with his best interests and his own insecurities at heart and not because Ryuunosuke wasn’t proud to be with him.
The one practical downside to this arrangement was that Ryuunosuke was still not welcome at or around the agency. Atsushi was never welcome at the Port Mafia headquarters, and never would be. Dating Ryuunosuke was actually likely to make Atsushi less liked around the Mafia, if Ryuunosuke’s reputation was anything to go off of.
The agency was completely different, or so Atsushi claimed. He thought that if they found out that Ryuunosuke and Atsushi were together, they’d be likely to accept, or at least tolerate, his presence around the agency. Ryuunosuke disagreed. He felt that they’d probably hate him more when they found out that he was not only a mafioso and a murderer, but also dating the golden child of the agency. But Atsushi was steadfast in his belief that he knows them better than Ryuunosuke does (Ryuunosuke knows he’s right, but Atsushi also has a tendency to believe the best in everyone) and they wouldn’t be mean to him.
However, as of now, anytime Ryuunosuke had to show up for joint missions and cases, he was greeted by harsh words (the blond with the glasses) and even harsher glares (Kyouka). This meant that anytime Ryuunosuke wanted to pick up Atsushi from work, or bring him things during the day, they met a block away where Ryuunosuke could drop by without question.
The first time that he had to show up for something that wasn’t a mission or case was ironically enough also when their relationship was revealed as well.
Ryuunosuke was doing paperwork at his desk in the PM headquarters, when he’d received the call. No one told him how much paperwork being a mafioso required. Well, he supposed being a mafioso didn’t require that much paperwork, being a mafioso in charge of several smaller groups required a lot of paperwork. As the years progressed, Ryuunosuke was given more and more power. At this point he was basically Chuuya’s right hand man. He gave orders to several groups, and was only sent out personally on particularly important ones (and joint missions with the agency, as those were still led through Dazai).
It had been an incredibly boring day, and Ryuunosuke was hoping to be able to head home soon. In the past, Ryuunosuke had always been the kind of person to take work home with him. He had a tendency to stay late and arrive early, never giving himself time to rest. Lately, though, he worked a typical work day (or as typical as the mafia let him get) and went home, so that he could be there when Atsushi made it home from the agency. They didn’t live together, per say, but Atsushi was at Ryuunosuke’s apartment more often then he wasn’t. That was really when Ryuunosuke started being at his own apartment as well.
His cell phone started ringing where it was sitting face down on his desk, and he jumped a little when it did. People didn’t usually call him on his personal phone. His work phone? Sure. His personal? Never. Atsushi, Chuuya and Gin always texted, and he’d recently blocked Dazai, so calls were very infrequent.
He saw Atsushi’s name and picked up without hesitation.
“Weretiger?”
“Did you block me, Akutagawa-kun?”
Ryuunosuke felt a growl build in his throat at the cheery voice that was decidedly not Atsushi’s.
“What do you want, Dazai?”
Ryuunosuke heard Dazai huff on the other end. “Atsushi seems to be having some kind of panic attack. He keeps asking for you.”
Ryuunosuke felt his heart drop. “Where is he?”
“The agency. Better get over here, lover boy.”
Ryuunosuke’s heart dropped. Usually he’d be concerned that Dazai called him ‘lover boy’ because Dazai must know about them to say it, but Ryuunosuke was much too worried about his weretiger.
Pretty much everyone knew that Atsushi had PTSD, but no one else knew just how bad that could get. Ryuunosuke had held him through panic attacks, flashbacks, and hallucinations. He had kept his boyfriend safe from himself in the roughest parts of it. He had seen how bad it could get and knew how to help. No one else, including the agency, knew that what looked like a simple panic attack could easily spiral into something a lot worse.
Ryuunosuke was already out the door of his office, bustling down the halls of the mafia building when he responded.
“What happened? Is he okay?”
“He’s not hurt. Just get down here.” Then Dazai hung up.
Ryuunosuke felt his blood boil, but he took a deep breath. Now was not the time to be getting upset with Dazai. He could do that later, he didn’t have the time right now. He had to get to Atsushi.
He propelled himself through the city running along the rooftops, using Rashoumon. He ignored the burning in his chest, as his lungs protested the running. He could catch his breath when he got there. For now, he needed to be there for his boyfriend.
When Ryuunosuke busted through the doors of the agency office, every set of eyes in the room jumped towards him. Ryuunosuke ignored them all, and scanned the room for his love. His eyes fell on Atsushi curled up in a ball against the further wall, breathing quickly and shallowly, as he trembled violently.
Ryuunosuke coughed a couple times into his arm, as he caught his breath and walked towards the weretiger. He knelt down next to Atsushi and quickly took everything he knew about him to analyze the situation. Atsushi’s eyes were usually the key. His sunset eyes weren’t unfocussed so he wasn’t completely lost in dissociation. They weren’t glancing around the room quickly, so his main feeling wasn’t fear, this usually meant he wouldn’t flee if he was approached. His eyes were instead focussed on empty space in the corner of the room. Hallucinations then.
He reached out and slowly took Atsushi’s hand into his. “Hey, it’s me.”
Atsushi perked up and asked hesitantly. “Ryuu?”
“Yes, Atsushi. Can you look at me?”
Atsushi slowly pulled his eyes away from the corner to look at Ryuunosuke, tears shining in his eyes.
Atsushi looked as though he was going to say something, but then he seemed to notice something behind Ryuunosuke and snapped his mouth shut with a click. Ryuunosuke looked behind him to see if it was a real person or hallucination Atsushi had seen, and was met with Dazai’s intrigued stare. Ah, that makes sense. Dazai was often featured in Atsushi’s hallucinations, so it made sense that in a moment like this, Atsushi couldn’t tell if he was real.
He kept eye contact with Dazai. “Would you leave, please?”
Dazai pointed to himself. “Me?”
Ryuunosuke nodded. He was getting better at putting mental distance between himself and Dazai, but sometimes it was hard for him to make eye contact with his old mentor and stand his ground. This was for Atsushi, though, so he’d do what was necessary for his boyfriend’s mental health.
Dazai furrowed his brows. “What did I do?”
Ryuunosuke sighed. Of course Dazai couldn’t just listen to him and trust him on this one thing.
“He’s hallucinating. He can’t tell if you’re real or not.”
Dazai’s brows furrowed, but he relented, tossing a careless wave over his shoulder as he left. “Fine then.”
Ryuunosuke turned his attention back towards Atsushi. “Touch or no?”
Atsushi nodded, and Ryuunosuke pulled him into his arms, his back against the wall, holding Atsushi to his chest, as he placed his hand into soft silver strands. Sometimes when Atsushi was panicking he wanted to be held, he found it grounding and comforting. Other times he felt trapped and cornered, any physical touch reminding him of abuse long since passed.
Today was clearly not one of the bad days, as Atsushi practically tackled Ryuunosuke in return, squeezing his eyes shut and burying his face in Ryuunosuke’s neck.
Ryuunosuke wasn’t surprised to feel tears start to fall onto his neck. Atsushi had a tendency to cry in situations like this the moment he felt it was safe to.
Ryuunosuke used one hand to trace mindless patterns on Atsushi’s back, as the other pet his hair.
“It’s alright, love, he’s not real. Just focus on your breathing. I’m here. I’m real and I’m here.”
He heard some murmuring and remembered that the rest of the agency was still there. He glared out past Atsushi’s shoulder at anyone he saw in what he hoped was a commanding way, but he was sure it wasn’t effective with a lap full of weretiger. He just wanted them to either leave, or keep their thoughts to themselves. Atsushi realizing that they know about them may make his panic worse.
The agency may’ve shut up in response, but Atsushi’s nosy ass coworkers were still staring at him and it was making him uncomfortable. Well, some of them were. The teenagers were, but he could forgive that, as they were young and Kyouka was probably just making sure he didn’t harm Atsushi. The tall blond and the redhead were both sneaking glances every couple of seconds and the know-it-all detective was making uncomfortable eye contact with Ryuunosuke whenever he looked up. He glared at all of them (except Kyouka, he thought she may kill him if he glared at her) and hoped they’d lose interest in his relationship soon.
He was trying and failing to keep himself together. He tried to force himself to calm down, but he could feel the panic building in his chest. He hated being seen when he was vulnerable. That had never been safe in the past. He thanked his past self for kicking Dazai out when he did, because if there was one person that would throw him over the edge immediately, it would be Dazai. Atsushi needed him, so Ryuunosuke took deep breaths and found his own comfort in holding Atsushi.
His saving grace came in the form of the agency doctor who seemed to notice his distress. She gestured for him to follow and turned on her heel, giving him very little time to actually follow.
“Hey, I’m gonna stand, alright?”
Atsushi nodded and grabbed onto him. He stood carefully, lifting Atsushi into his arms as he did, and hoped wherever she took him wasn’t too far. Atsushi was shorter than him, but much broader and packed with muscle, lifting him was not particularly easy for someone fairly unathletic like Ryuunosuke. He often carried Atsushi to and from his couch, as Atsushi often carried him those lengths as well, but this was bound to be further. He resolved to use Rashoumon if necessary but for now, he just walked in the direction of the doctor, Atsushi clinging to him like a koala.
They went to a little side room with two hospital beds in it, the doctor’s office. She held the door open for Ryuunosuke and closed it behind them.
“Feel free to set up wherever he’ll feel most comfortable.”
Ryuunosuke nodded and sat on one of the beds, bringing Atsushi with him.
“Sorry for everyone else. We’re all a little protective of him, and we’ve all been worried since he got back.”
“What happened?”
“Mission went south. Not sure what specifically triggered him because I wasn’t there, but we discovered what we thought was a drug ring had actually been delving into human trafficking. My best guess is that it was something to do with that. He’d been off when he got back, and had just been getting worse and worse until you showed up.”
Ryuunosuke nodded. Human trafficking typically meant the mistreatment of children. Ryuunosuke himself tried to avoid those assignments to avoid his own triggers, so it wasn’t surprising that it would cause an attack for Atsushi.
The doctor grabbed some files off her desk, and put a couple things in her drawers. She could trust him in her space, but he didn’t blame her for hiding her things, he was mafia and not someone she knew.
She turned back to him. “I’ll give you two some space. No fucking on my hospital beds.”
Ryuunosuke flushed up to his hairline. He’d somehow forgotten that everyone just found out that they were dating.
He shook his head. “Thank you Dr…?
“Yosano.”
He nodded. “Thank you Dr.Yosano.”
She nodded in return. “I want my patients to be safe. Even if he heals himself and never lets me operate on him.” She sighed, then continued, “you can stay here as long as he needs.”
Ryuunosuke nodded once more, and she left.
He made a mental note to actually remember the doctor’s name. He didn’t care to remember most of the names of agency members. He never really felt a need, as he wasn’t welcome around nearly enough to talk to them. Atsushi talked about them all, of course, but without faces to put to the names, Ryuunosuke gave up. But Yosano had shown him a kindness no one else in the agency had, so Ryuunosuke would repay that respect with respect of his own.
He turned his attention back to his boyfriend, who looked to be doing a little bit better. Ryuunosuke could see Atsushi taking deep breaths, lips mouthing numbers as he counted to ten before releasing. He stroked Atsushi’s back in time with his counting, and smiled gently.
“How’re you feeling?”
Atsushi shook his head a little. “A little better. Calming down. He’s still here.” He jerked his head towards the other side of the room.
Ryuunosuke nodded. “Did you…um?” Ryuunosuke never knew how to ask Atsushi if he remembered to take his antipsychotics. He didn’t want Atsushi to ever think Ryuunosuke thought he wasn’t capable of taking care of himself. Ryuunosuke just wanted to help when he could.
Atsushi seemed to understand what he meant either way though. Atsushi was good at that. He could always guess what Ryuunosuke was thinking when he couldn’t put it into words. Which was part of why they were so good together, as Ryuunosuke was never good at putting his feelings into words.
“I did. You know they help, but sometimes stuff happens.”
He cupped Atsushi’s face. “I know. I just wanted to check.”
Atsushi smiled and leaned over, resting his forehead on Ryuunosuke’s shoulder. “I love you.”
Ryuunosuke paused. He was never good at responding to that, even if he was getting better every time. “I…I love you too.”
Atsushi’s smile grew. “I know.”
They sat like that for a while longer, as Atsushi calmed down. It was easier now that there wasn’t anyone else around. Atsushi was more relaxed, so he was able to focus on keeping track of what was real. Ryuunosuke was less stressed because of the eyes on him, so he was able to be the comforting force that Atsushi needed.
The president told Atsushi he should go home early, so Ryuunosuke led him out by his hand. He figured they should head to his, anyway. He didn’t want to leave Atsushi alone right now, especially considering the headmaster was still following them in Atsushi’s head. Ryuunosuke knew it was easier to distinguish reality from fiction when there was a real person there. Atsushi could usually distract himself, and sometimes even forget about the hallucination when Ryuunosuke was there to help. It made Ryuunosuke feel warm inside to know he could be helpful to his boyfriend in this way.
As they walked to Ryuunosuke’s place, holding hands, Atsushi broke their comfortable silence. “I’m sorry about this.”
“What are you apologizing for?”
Atsushi lifted his other hand and started counting off. “Dragging you away from work, worrying you enough to run across town in spite of your lungs, don’t think I didn’t notice the coughing, my nosy coworkers, and for causing you to have to reveal our relationship. I know that others knowing about us makes you uncomfortable.”
“None of this was your fault.”
“I asked for you.”
“You reached out for help in a moment you needed it. I would rather you be a mild inconvenience everyday then suffer in silence.”
Atsushi smiled hesitantly. “You’re really okay with my coworkers knowing?”
“I wouldn’t say I’m okay with it, but this was unavoidable.”
“Ryuu, don’t take this the wrong way, but why does it bother you so much? No one seemed to mind.”
“For now. It wasn’t exactly the moment to bring it up. They will.”
Atsushi rolled his eyes. “Is that what this is about? You don’t think they’ll approve of you?”
“I know they won’t. They shouldn’t.”
“What does that mean?”
It was Ryuunosuke’s turn to roll his eyes. “You have to know that you’re too good for me, Atsushi. Your friends care about you. They’re going to tell you to break up with me.”
“My friends want me to be happy, Ryuu. You make me happy, so they’ll accept you. Besides, I’m not ‘too good for you.’ We make each other better, everyone sees that.”
Ryuunosuke conceded. He didn’t want to fight about this. “Alright.”
Atsushi’s brow furrowed, and Ryuunosuke winced. It was too late to concede. He’d already pissed Atsushi off.
“Also, do you think I’d break up with you just because my coworkers tell me to? Do you think my feelings are that easily swayed?”
“No. No, of course not.”
“Then why?!”
Ryuunosuke took a deep breath. “It would make you sad to know your friends…your family don't approve of me. And… I couldn’t take it mentally, alright. I don’t exactly feel deserving of you. I can’t take people that you trust telling you they agree.”
All signs of anger left Atsushi’s face, and he abruptly stopped where he was walking to cup Ryuunosuke’s face. “Deserving has nothing to do with it. I love you, so you get to be with me. You’re good to me, Ryuunosuke. Even if you don’t see it. I’m sure the agency will see it the way I do.”
Ryuunosuke nodded. “You know them better than I do.” He was quiet for a second. “I love you too.”
Atsushi giggled and bumped his shoulders against Ryuunosuke as they continued their walk home.
“Does that mean we’re officially telling everyone?”
Ryuunosuke shot Atsushi a teasing smile. “I’m not telling anyone in the mafia. Except maybe Chuyya-san and Gin of course.”
Atsushi pouted. “Why not?”
Ryuunosuke smiled wider. “Most of the Port Mafia’s members hate me, they find out we’re dating, they’ll order a hit on you.”
Atsushi smirked in response. “Not as though that will be something new.”
“Next time the hit may not be carried out by a mafioso with a soft spot for tigers.”
Atsushi punched him lightly. “Whatever. I kicked your ass, and we both know it.”
Ryuunosuke let Atsushi continue to ramble, as they finished their walk home. Though, his thoughts were elsewhere. Ryuunosuke wanted to believe Atsushi. He really did, but life had proven over and over again that Ryuunosuke couldn’t keep the things that mattered to him. He was sure this time he'd lose Atsushi to his own bad decisions. His past actions may’ve been forgiven by the man he loves, but they wouldn’t be by his friends, and they’d be right. They’ll talk Atsushi into leaving him because it’s what he deserves. Ryuunosuke doomed his own relationship from the start simply by being a terrible person.
But…Atsushi was so sure, and Ryuunosuke trusted him. Atsushi thought the agency would accept him, and Ryuunosuke had to take his word for it. Ryuunosuke loved Atsushi too much to doubt a single thing the man said, but he still found himself questioning what the other saw in him.
He put the thoughts aside. So what if the agency spoke to Atsushi, expressed their concerns about their relationship, and Atsushi ended things. Ryuunosuke wouldn’t be able to stop it by overthinking, anyway. He’d just stay and enjoy the time he had left with him until Atsushi inevitably came to his senses.
Ryuunosuke spent two weeks waiting for the other shoe to drop, but instead he was met with the exact opposite.
“Everyone wants to know when you’re coming back,” Atsushi said one night over dinner. Ryuunosuke has cooked curry for the two of them, and they were casually discussing their days as they ate which they often did. Atsushi said this as though it wasn’t particularly interesting without looking up so Ryuunosuke didn’t think too much into it.
“What do you mean?”
“The agency. They all want to see you again. Said that now that you’re dating me, you should come around more.”
Ryuunosuke paused. He should’ve thought way more into this. He was caught completely off guard. “They want to see me?”
“Yeah.” Atsushi didn’t seem to catch the tone in his voice, because he continued as though it was obvious. “Kunikida mentioned wanting to thank you for looking out for me.” He rolled his eyes. “He’s so protective. Yosano said she wanted to make sure you were taking care of yourself, said it looked like you weren’t, Kenji mentioned wanting to ask you to help out on the farm, I’m not sure about that one.” He paused for a second. “Oh! And Kyouka wants to give you a shovel talk.”
Ryuunosuke was taken aback, staring at Atsushi with wide eyes. “They…like me.”
Atsushi looked up at him and smiled. “Of course they do. I said they would. Besides, how could they hate someone who clearly loves me so much.”
Ryuunosuke leaned across the table to catch Atsushi’s lips with his own. They kissed for a moment before he pulled back with a smile.
“Thank you.”
“I didn’t do anything. This was all you being your caring self.”
“Right…because caring is how most people describe me.”
Atsushi tilted his head at him, a lopsided smile on his face. “It’s how all the people who matter would describe you.”
“I presume you mean yourself?”
“And Gin, Chuuya-san I’m sure, probably a couple othe-”
Ryuunosuke cut him off with another kiss. It tasted of curry and Atsushi was actively giggling, but Ryuunosuke wouldn’t change anything.
“Maybe they would, but I’m inclined to believe that only you think I’m caring, as I only show care for you.” He paused. “Maybe Gin too.”
“Well the thing is, if you show me care in public, more people are going to start seeing past your ego.”
“Not my ego! However will I cope?”
Atsushi shrugged. “Not sure, but I think you’re gonna have to figure it out, because most of the agency thinks you’re really soft after that display the other day.”
Ryuunosuke flushed and buried his face in his hands. “I’d do anything for you, but I really hope you don’t need that again.”
“Me too, but you know, maybe it was for the best. You’re basically a part of the family already.”
“Oh no."