Chapter Text
Fuck up after fuck up after fuck up.
That’s probably the best way to describe Stanley’s life at this point.
Granted, most of the time his fuck ups only result in his life being at risk and in all honestly he’s not that big of a fan of it, but there are times.
Rare times.
Bad times.
Times where his fucks up are bad enough to affect other people to and wouldn’t you know it!
It’s about Stanford again.
The portal room is dark. The damn thing isn’t even making sparks. Just a big chunk of metal and wires and switches that Stanley would have started selling for parts under any other circumstances.
Not under these circumstances.
The weird journal that Ford threw at him feels heavy in his hands.
His heart’s racings.
His palms are sweating.
What a fucking idiot he is! Came all this way thinking he’ll get his brother back only to get a crossbow to the face and some insane conspiracy rant. Stanford didn’t want his brother back. He wanted some cheap labour from some stupid, desperate bonehead while he saved the world!
And Stanley couldn’t even do that right.
He’s out of Ford’s lab before he even knows it. Guided by some flight response that’s been left over now that all the fight got sucked out of him. What does he even do now? Call the cops? Fat chance.The pigs will arrest him on the spot. Call someone? What a joke! The only guy he could have called for help got sucked into a glowing blue portal because of Stan.
The shack is a mess. Whatever Ford was doing in this place before Stan arrived left the place looking like one of the drug dens he used to end up in during rougher months. He has half a mind to start looking for some secret stash of drugs. Whatever must have caused Ford to freak out like that…
Absent-mindedly he reaches back and scratches his shoulder.
He flinches.
Shit.
He forgot about the burn. He needs to patch that up.
Someone starts banging on the front door just as Stan is clumsily slapping some bandages on the burn. He stays quiet. There’s no way he’s answering the door right now… Shit, but what if they call the cops to check on Ford.
The pounding at the door persists.
Fuck it! Might as well give it a try. He and Ford used to be great at pretending to be each other. Stanley can do this… Just make sure whoever’s at the door doesn’t see his hands and send them away quickly.
And then…
And then what?
God damn it! He doesn’t have time to think about that right now! Keep moving forward Stanley. Keep fucking moving!
He cracks the door open and his jaw nearly hits the floor.
“Fordsy! I knew you’d come to your senses! Can we talk now?” Says the most gorgeous person Stanley has ever seen in his life. The voice could use some work, but who needs good pipes when you’re a hot blonde bombshell.
“HEY! STOP IGNORING ME!” Short and curly makes a move to push the door open and barge inside, but Stan is bigger and faster. He keeps the door only slightly open and prepares to put on the most impressive Stanford Pines impression he can do.
“List-”
“You’re not Fordsy.” The blonde interrupts him before he can even finish.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” After a moment he adds. “I have a crossbow.”
“Cut the crap! Where’s Stanford and what are you doing here? Make it quick. I've lost enough time already!”
Ok, so plan’s a bust. What now? Ah, screw it! Might as well give it a shot.
“Listen here, doll! I dunno what you’re lookin’ for, but you’re not comin’ in until you tell me who you are and what’s goin’ on in this place!”
They’re both silent after that.
“Fine! Name’s Bill. Now open the door before I freeze out here!” Bill throws his arms up angrily.
“Yeesh… You don’t have to yell like that.” Stan reluctantly opens the door wider and before he can say anything else Bill is storming inside.
“This place is a mess! Told ya you couldn’t keep the lights on without me! HAH!” Bill lets out an obnoxious cackle while pointing at the windows that Ford must have nailed shut with some planks of wood.
“Quit the comedy show and explain who the hell you are.” Stan crosses his arms and puffs up his chest. “Before I throw you back out in the snow and watch you turn into a popsicle.”
“Didn’t Fordsy tell you about me?”
“Does it look like he did? Not like I was able to understand most of what he was saying…” He says bitterly.
“Don’t get snappy at me, big guy! I’m checking.” Bill rolls his eyes and holds up his left hand and wiggles his fingers. “Is this enough of an explanation for ya?” He smiles smugly and it takes a few seconds for Stanley’s brain to register what he’s seeing.
“STANFORD GOT MARRIED?!”
A shiny gold ring on Bill’s left hand.
Not any gold ring.
Their mother’s gold ring. The one that’s been getting passed down to every Pines man for generations to propose to their wife. Don’t get him wrong, Stanley loves his brother, but the guy’s never been any good around girls. Especially not the ones that look like Bill does. The ones that talk and move like they could eat a man alive.
“Snap out of it, slick! Didn’t you say you wanted to know what’s going on?” Bill’s snapping his pretty fingers in front of Stan’s face. They’re sharp enough to cut and painted gold. The only reason Stan didn’t notice the wedding ring earlier is because Bill has different gold rings on nearly every finger.
Where did Ford even get enough money to bag a gold digger?
Is Ford the gold digger?
His nerd brother couldn’t have gotten a sugar mommy before Stan did, right?
“Hey, listen to me!” Bill flicks his nose..
“Stop that!” He grabs Bill by the wrist. “How are you married to Ford? How did that happen?”
“How do you think it did, genius? You should know. You look like you owe some alimony.”
“How do you know about that?” Stan’s eyes widen. “You didn’t hear that.” He glares at Bill who’s angrily trying to pull his hand out of Stan’s grip without any result.
“Let go of my hand and tell me where’s Fordsy! I need to talk to him.”
“Why?” Stan lets go of his hand and Bill nearly falls on his ass.
“Because!” He starts.”Because we had a fight and I want to make up!” Bill grins at him. “I’m making the first step like a good wife and all that other matrimonial stuff.” He waves his hand around in a vague motion. “I mean I knoooow he said he never wanted to see me again, but that’s just Fordsy being mad. You know how he gets when he’s mad.” Bill’s strange golden eyes stare directly at him like they could unravel him at any moment. “You know, right Stanley?”
Fuck does he ever…
He swallows nervously.
Bill keeps staring at him and he never blinks.
Of course Ford got hitched to a weirdo.
He clears his throat after an uncomfortable amount of silence. “What did you two fight about?”
“That’s between me and Fordsy.” Bill glares at him. “I’ve been answering your questions like a good boy this whole time and getting nothing out of it. Are you going to tell me where Stanford is hiding or do I have to get creative with it?”
Stanley fidgets. He glances over at the elevator to the lab then back at Bill. He sighs.
“What’s that thing in the basement?” He nods to the door that leads to the lab.
“The portal? It’s still there?” Bill’s eyes widen. “I thought Ford would have taken that thing apart by now.”
“He was trying…” He starts nervously. “...Hefellinitanditwasmyfault.”
“What.” Bill says quietly.
“The thing just opened up by accident! I tripped, but Ford was pushin’ me and I didn’t,” he chokes up “I didn’t mean it to go that way! He jus-, he just slipped in and then the damned thing stopped workin’!” It all rushes out of him like a confession on the deathbed.
Bill’s mouth is hanging open. Those pretty features of his are twisting into a mixture of shock, anger and perhaps a hint of worry. He looks like he’s trying to disintegrate Stanley with his eyes and it’s not like Stanley can blame him for it.
“You know about that thing though! Ford married you so you must be some kinda genius too.” Stan begins to talk again, desperation bubbling to the surface with every word. “You can help me fix it and then we’ll get Ford back.”
And the next step is clear to Bill.
As natural as breathing.
He holds his hand out to Stanley.
“You got a deal, slick!”