Chapter Text
" Just where is Tsukasa-kun?" Rui mumbled while walking through the halls of Kamiyama, he was searching for Tsukasa since the moment he wasn't found in his classroom that morning. Rui had to show him the uptadated script as soon as possible! The day of the performance was coming and the changes were huge!
Tsukasa wasn't with Nene nor was he answering the phone...and he wouldn't skip class just like that. Even though Rui knew it was probably nothing, he couldn't help but overthink, it wasn't of Tsukasa's nature to disappear without a word. Something definitely must've happen.
" Kamishiro-senpai!" His thoughts were interrupted by a troubled looking Toya rushing in his direction. Maybe he knew about Tsukasa! Toya was like his brother afterall.
" Ah, Aoyagi-kun good morning."
" Good morning...I was wondering if you seen Tsukasa-senpai today?"
" Oh? I was about to ask you the same thing." Rui stopped for a second, frowning " Did something happen?"
" Not exactly–" Toya lifted his phone, quickly scrolling through some messages " Saki asked me to check on him, he's not answering her since last night."
" Right, she's out for a show in a city nearby if I remember correctly..." Rui pondered. Being close friends with Tsukasa came with the bonus of getting updates about his family, and recently, Saki's band sucess had been a constant topic.
Toya nodded " Yes, for almost a week now. But they've been talking everyday...Tsukasa never forgets to answer anyone, especially Saki."
It was noticeable how the junior was worried, wich only made Rui, who already overthinks a lot, more worried. ' How about their parents?' The question was left unsaid.
" Thank you anyways, Kamishiro-senpai. I will check on him after school" Toya sighed in defeat "...even though I really wish I could go now."
Rui didn't even think twice before spluttering out:
" I'll go."
Toya's eyes widened " Right now? Can you?"
" I was thinking about skipping class anyway! Besides, Tsukasa-kun is my dear friend. It's not a problem really."
" Thank you Kamishiro-senpai! Me and Saki are very greatfull." Toya smiled sincerely, only for his expression to drop a second later "...tell him I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier, and uptade me please."
It was clear he felt somekind of guilt for not being able to take care of Tsukasa. Rui giggled at his behaviour, they did act like siblings.
" It's not you fault Aoyagi-kun, you have a long school day ahead of you afterall."
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Thanks to middle school experiences and the help of some of his best, dearest robots, Rui made it out of school in no time. Now standing at the Tenmas doorstep, dripping sweat from running. Sure he was calm at first, but then scenarios of bad things that could've happened started to flood his mind, forcing him pick up a faster pace.
Rui knocked once, then twice, no answer. He tried to call Tsukasa but again, no answer. With no other choice, he had to opt for using the spare key Toya gave him. Twisting the key, he gently opened the door....
" Tsukasa-kun...?" His voice echoed through the house.
When there was no response, Rui took off his shoes before excusing himself in, a few rays of morning light coming in from the door and windows. The house would be dead silent if it weren't for the living room television, wich was on some random soap opera.
Weird. Did Tsukasa forget to turn it off? Rui did the job for him, not wanting the Tenmas eletric bill to rise. Well, except for that, nothing seemed out of place.
That was until he reached the kitchen.
Rui's heart dropped, eyes widen as a cold shiver ran down his spine. Tsukasa was there. Sprawled on the kitchen floor. Not a single movement.
" Tsukasa-kun!?" Rui, already assuming the worst, shouted while rushing to the boy, his school bag falling in the process.
The blond was still in his pyjamas. Just how long has he been out?! " Tsukasa! Hey– wake up!" Rui shook him desperately, taking notice on how hot he felt to the touch and how his face was completely flushed.
Tsukasa groaned and slowly opened his eyes
" ..Rui?" said boy sighed in relief, letting out a breath he didn't even notice he was holding.
" Wait– RUI!?!?" Tsukasa screamed as he came down to his senses " WHAT ARE YOU–" He launched foward, trying to sit up " AHG!" The blond stopped midway, bringing a hand to his head in pain.
Rui gently pushed him down, a sign for him not to sit up so fast " Be carefull."
"...What are you doing here?"
" You didn't show up to school so I came to check on you."
" Oh."
" Are you alright?" Rui asked, still pretty shook up after finding his friend in that state.
No response. Tsukasa was just staring into nothing for few seconds.
" OH SHOOT! SCHOOL– I HAVE TO–" he screamed again. It seemed that even sick the boy still managed to have a surprisingly high amount of energy. Isn't his throat supose to be sore?
Rui forcefully placed his hands on Tsukasa's shoulders so he wouldn't try to get up from his seating position again.
" Tsukasa-kun! You're not going anywhere, you're sick!"
" I'm not– I'm not sick!" He shouted in disbelief.
Rui was shocked by Tsukasa's insincerity, It was a bold face lie and they both knew it. He normally takes his health so seriously!
Tsukasa, on the other hand, was pretty aware of his current, pityfull state. He had been feeling like that for the past week, a weird feeling building in the pit of his stomach. But well, Saki isn't around so why should he worry if he's sick or not? There was no need to bother anyone, he would get better soon!
Even so, the look on Rui's face told him he wouldn't let him go so easily...
" Oh, You're not sick? Guess you won't need your dear director nursing you back to health, right? What a shame, I even skipped school to come all my way here..." Rui teased, faking a cry.
" That's not!–"
Wait...he really did make Rui stop his whole day for this. He should act more greatfull!
Tsukasa sighed, defeated by guilt " Yes I'm sick.."
" Hehe, that's what I thought."
Rui got up, pulling Tsukasa off the ground with care right after so he wouldn't lose balance. His legs felt like jelly and moving around only made him dizzier.
As he got up, Tsukasa hissed in pain again, clenching his head and leaning towards the other for support. That made Rui's concern grow even more. He wondered if he hit his head when he fell.
" What even happened for you to end up on the floor like that?" Rui asked as they moved around the house, towards Tsukasa's room.
" I think I fell asleep on the couch, then got up in the middle of the night for...something?" He held on to Rui tight, scared he would lose balance while on the stairs " I don't really know– it's all blurry."
" So you passed out?"
" I think so."
Just like he thought. Rui might need to check out for injuries later...
When they finally arrived his– pretty much lacking in privacy– room, Rui sat Tsukasa down on the bed, wich was still made from the day prior. He really fell asleep on the couch. Rui began his check-up with no warning, he ran his fingers through Tsukasa's hair and tilted his head as he liked. But what was looking for injuries for Rui seemed more like ruffling a dog to Tsukasa.
" Hey! What are you doing?" Embarrassed, Tsukasas tried to sway away from the touch.
" You passed out, I'm making sure you didn't hurt your head somewhere."
" O–Oh. Yeah, sure. That makes...that makes sense! Thank you."
Rui giggled before continuing his ministrations as Tsukasa just sat still, secretly enjoying how relaxing it felt. He stopped when he was sure there were no injuries, making the blond a bit disappointed at the loss of touch.
And maybe, just maybe Rui secretly keept playing with his hair for a minute or so more than needed–
" Your head is fine" he said, taking Tsukasa's really wierd, two legged chair and placing it next to the bed before taking a seat. Rui looked around for a moment.
" Do you have a thermometer?"
" Of course I do! I'm always prepared."
Tsukasa opened the drawer next to his bed, pulling out a yellow thermometer and proudly resting it under his armpit.
" Good. Now, what are you feeling exactly?" Rui asked, sounding rather professional.
" ...Why is this suddenly turning into a doctor's appointment? I can just take the usal medicine you know."
" Ahah, sorry..." Rui apologized, embarrassed by his own antics.
The small frown of disappointment on his face made Tsukasa's heart ache for some reson and he thought back for a moment " Well..I guess if you really want to do it, go on!"
" Thank you Tsukasa-kun~" Rui gave him a sly smile that made him almost regret his decision. He wondered why he always folded so easily to Rui's wants. " Does your head hurt?"
Despite everything, he decided to play along and answer truthfully " Yes...a pretty bad headache, mostly when I move around.."
" Alright. Your throat?"
" Hmmn no!"
" Your joints?"
" Nop!" Tsukasa continued answering fast, like they were playing some kind of game.
" Does it hurt when you pee?"
" EW NO! Gross, Rui. What kind of question is that..."
" Any stomach ache?"
" No! "
" How about your heart?"
Tsukasa went stiff at the innocent question, an incredibly awkward silence surrounded them.
" Tsukasa-kun..?" Rui grew worried at his strange reaction. Did he say something wrong?
" ...That– it wasn't funny Rui" Tsukasa mumbled, avoiding eye contact.
" O–oh sorry" Rui imediatly apologized, still suspicious on to why he took it so personal. Tsukasa could be weird sometimes, but this was just...confusing. Is there something he isn't telling him? About...his feelings?
" I was only– You see, my mom used to play with me when I got sick, asking me silly questions like this. I didn't mean it seriously.." the blond widened his eyes at the explanation Rui gave him.
" No no, it's alright! I really did overreact.." Tsukasa laughed awkwardly afterwards, embarrassed for getting so worked up when Rui only had the best of intentions. Do parents usually do that when their child is sick? Well, it's not like he would know.
When Rui was about to say it was ok, they heard a beep from the thermometer, indicating it finished taking his temperature.
" Ah, seems like it's ready." Tsukasa quickly changed the subject, pulling the object from under his armpit " Ok let's see!–" he stopped on his tracks when he saw his own temperature, eyes widening in suprise.
" What is it Tsukasa-kun? Is it that bad?" Rui, worried, took the thermometer off the blond's hands so he could see it himself " A hundred and three?!" He nearly shouted " No wonder you fainted earlier!– and that's because you cooled down by now...How do you sound so ok while you're burning up?"
Tsukasa just awkwardly laughted at that. He was in fact, not as ok as he sounded. He's surprised he didn't faint yet from the way his eyelids felt heavy and the stupid headache only increased.
" I guess I just have a high pain tolarence!...Heat tolarence?"
Rui frowned " I better get you the medicine already" he got up and closed the blinds in Tsukasa's room so it could get more comfortable for him, wich was aprecciated.
" Where do you keep the medicine?"
" Just above the fridge."
Rui nodded, ready to leave the room " Oh yeah–" He took a step back in " Where's your phone? We were all calling you earlier, Saki too."
Tsukasa's face washed up in horror " SAKI! She must be so worried! I can't belive I'm doing this to her!"
" You're sick Tsukasa-kun...don't worry, I will talk to her alright?"
Tsukasa nodded, reliefed " My phone should be near the couch, it's probably dead though" with that, Rui began to make his way to the kitchen.
The moment the boy stepped out of the room, Tsukasa let himself fall on the bed. Thank god, he could finally stop pretending now. His head was killing him.
He decided to hide under the blankets, trying to stop the increasing cold, his whole body ached, even his breathing was ragged. Tsukasa was fighting the urge to close his heavy eyelids, the cozyness of the dark room paired with the distant sound of Rui's footsteps, a reminder that there was someone with him, made him strangely relaxed.
Tsukasa hesitantly let his eyes fall shut. Maybe he could let himself rest for a little while...
...
The noise downstairs stopped.
The only thing he could hear was his own heartbeat.
...
Did Rui leave? Was he alone now?
There's something so familiar in this situation.
What did he forget this time?
...
" Tsukasa-kun?"
" –WAH!"
The boy jumped up and kicked the covers in hopes that it at least seemed like he was in a more presentable position. He's sure only ten minutes passed at maximum, but he slept! No way he did that! How could he sleep on his guest like that?! How unfitting.
The director only giggled " Tsukasa-kun, it's alright if you want to rest– actually you need to rest right now..." Rui approached him, sitting down on the chair besides the bed " I just need you to take the medicine first, is that alright?"
" Yeah...I can do that" still a bit dazed, Tsukasa took the pills from Rui's hand, took a sip of water and swallow them, even though he always found that part a bit hard...
" Thank you Rui."
" It's no problem, you need to let me take care of you once in a while" Tsukasa hummed in response, beginning to feel sleepy again but clearly fighting against it.
Rui placed a gentle hand on top of his head, stroking his hair " I told you It's ok to rest Tsukasa-kun."
Look, Tsukasa didn't like to be babied, especially by someone younger than him, that would be absurd behavior. But this was Rui. And it was getting harder to not be persuaded by his stupidly soft voice and gentle touch.
" Sorry Rui...please feel free to–" he yawned midsentence, feeling his body give out to tiredness. He never noticed how warm Rui's fingers felt, especially when they were tracing small circles on his scalp. How relaxing it was. " feel free to use the TV or grab a snack..." he finally closed his eyes, expression softening.
Rui smiled to himself, finding the blond's behaviour extreamily endearing– the way Tsukasa still tried to make him as comfortable as possible in his own home, even though he didn't need to, he was the sick one afterall. But in some way, it was also weird. Rui is his friend– close friend– there's no need to be so polite. It's like he's not used to having anyone over...Is it possible that–
" Zzz..." His train of thoughts got interrupted by Tsukasa's soft snores.
" Heh, he fell asleep right away..." Rui paused, then let his hand linger carefully down the blond's face to caress a thumb against his warm cheek.
He could think about it all later.
_
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" What should we do? The doctor says he's fine but..." the woman sighed, taking a sad glance at her son, all curled up and seemingly asleep in the backseat " I don't think I can take seeing my two kids suffering in a hospital bed."
Tsukasa, who was just brought back to consciousness, agrees. It's the fourth time– second that his parents know about– this month that he was unwell. The kid tried to think of something he could do to ease his mother's worries, but the headache mixed with the sounds of heavy rain banging against the car window made it impossible.
Rain. It was raining. Saki hated rain...
He missed her, she must be so sad and alone in that hospital. So bored. So lonely. And in that state, there was nothing her big brother could do to help. He was stuck in that car, in that shivering body. He just wanted to play the piano with his sister again and see her smile. He hated that feeling– it hurts, worrying them hurts.
If only he wasn't so weak. If only he continued hidding it and kept queit about the pain then–
" Maybe he's just...faking it?"
....
...What?
" I mean, Saki and Tsukasa never had a sibling fight. What if this is his way of rebelling? You know how he likes acting, maybe he's doing this– sick joke for clout!"
' What?...Dad that's not– that's not it!'
He wanted to scream, to tell them he would never do something as twisted as this but he felt so weak he could barely keep his eyes open.
" You heard the doctors! There's nothing wrong–"
" STOP!" Both him and his dad flinched on their seats. He never saw his mom that angry before.
" Are we talking about the same kid?! You should know our son would NEVER mock his sister's illness like this! He holds Saki in a pedestal for god's sake!"
The rain grew havier, and that was the only sound they heard for the next few minutes.
" Sorry for raising my voice...I just–" his mom broke the silence.
" No no, I'm sorry too...for thinking like that."
Silence again.
Tsukasa couldn't stand that atmosphere. It was his fault they fought like that, it was all his fault...But he's thankfull his mother understands him at least. The last thing he wants is to his family to see him as selfish.
" Maybe he's really faking it,"
Oh.
" But not with any resentment towards Saki. Maybe he genuinely wants our attention and–" her voice cracks " doesn't know how to ask..."
' No...mom please...I didn't mean to make you sad..'
" He never asks for anything."
Silence fell again, and he felt his consciousness slipping away.
"Let's clear our schedules for this weekend."
" Yes, that sounds good..."
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.
" M-Mom..." the little boy called, knowing there would be no answer. He was alone of course there would be no answer. And still...
" Dad!" his cries were muffled by the distant sound of the television. His parents will come home late tonight, even though they were trying to spend more time at home, they still had to leave him alone most of the time. He could cry his heart out, there was no one to hear his sobs.
"...Saki" His small body trembled as he reached for the various plushies he placed around the couch. It was to no avail, they were so close yet so far. He had no strength left, the kid couldn't even get up.
You're a big boy now Tsukasa,
" Please It's– it's so cold" He gripped the blanket tightly, trying to make himself as small as possible. His body felt hot but the cold was still unbearable.
Get yourself together.
He couldn't help but wish for someone, anyone, to hold him or make him a warm meal just like he sees on TV do while they reassure him: You will be ok. He needs to know it will be ok. That he's doing a good job. That it isn't his fault. But the little boy learned far too soon that the world was unfair. He understands that his sister, his parents, everyone was struggling. So he couldn't let himself selfishly want things like that, not when there's so much more to worry.
No one is coming for you.
The pain come back and it hurts so much he really wished it was just an act. A weird, familiar feeling creeps inside him, he's scared to admit but it's–
" It's lonely."
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Tsukasa's eyes snapped open as he let out a laud gasp for air.
" Tsukasa-kun?"
He wasn't on that couch anymore, he wasn't a little kid but his body still felt hot yet cold, heavy and lonely all the same.
It's just like that time...
He remembers now.
" Tsukasa-kun, what's wrong?" That's right...Rui was there, he was still there, sitting on the chair besides him.
That's weird, this whole situation felt so weird since the beginning and now he knows why. It's the first time someone takes care of him while he's sick and doesn't leave him alone. Being alone makes him sick.
" Tsukasa, seriously– you're really pale–" Rui got up, getting closer to the blond. He couldn't make out Rui's face, everything was a blur, but judging by his voice the boy was very worried, even dropping the beloved honorific. Tsukasa tried to say something along the lines of ' It's nothing Rui, I'm fine!' wich was clearly a lie, but he couldn't. He was hyperventilating– What? Why was he feeling so strange?
" Hey– Tsukasa breathe!" Rui put one hand on his shoulder, the other going to his forehead before taking a...damp towel? He didn't even realize it was there before, the director must've put it there when he was asleep to ease his fever...
At least that's what he thinks the towel is meant for. He never had someone do all of this things for him afterall.
" Rui– It's–" Tsukasa tried to speak again, this time being cut out by sobs, his sobs.
" W-What?...When did– when did I start to?–" he got interrupted by another undeliberate cry. It was loud, it was ugly, like a little kid screaming for attention. He hated every single second of it.
Each ragged breath he took in between sobs felt heavy and painfull. Tsukasa's whole body shivered as the thumping in his head only grew stronger. And he didn't really know why– why couldn't he control his own body? Why couldn't he just calm down!? He hated showing weakness, and now he's at his lowest In front of Rui of all people...how pathetic...
On the other hand, Rui was frozen in place. Scared because it looked like Tsukasa was dying right in front of him and scared becouse he knew what was happening all too well. It was like looking in a mirror. Seeing Tsukasa's desperate attempts to calm down, Rui quickly snapped himself out of it. He knows what's going on, he knows what he can do to try to help.
" Tsukasa–" He tried his best to appear collected, but the slight quiver in his voice betrayed him.
The blond only covered his face with one hand, turning away completaly ashamed of the mess he was right now. Rui took a deep breath, thinking about all the times Tsukasa helped him, helped everyone. He needs him now.
"Hey...Tsukasa-kun, please look at me..." careful to not straddle the boy, Rui moved to sit on the bed along side Tsukasa. He took the shaking, sweaty hand out of his face and wrapped it with his own.
Tsukasa finally turned to him but didn't dare to make eye contact. Rui could only watch heartbroken as more sobs escaped him. He never saw Tsukasa so destroyed.
Tsukasa couldn't think straight right now and all of his so called decency left the moment he felt Rui gently cradle his face with his free hand and wipe away his tears. If Rui continued treating him this kindly, he might as well break completely.
" Rui...I-I'm sorry, I don't...I don't know why–" as much as Tsukasa wanted to embrace him, drown in the comforting warmth that is Rui, he went to hug his arm instead, leaning on the warm hand that wiped his never ending tears. The action ended up looking way more intimate and desperate than he expected but the director didn't seem to mind.
As if Rui could read his mind, he brought Tsukasa close to his chest, wrapping him in a tight hug " It's ok Tsukasa-kun, I'm here..." the blond sucked in a shaky breath.
No no, please don't...
" You're going to be ok" Tsukasa sobbed harder at his words, clinging on to Rui for dear life.
Dont say such kind things.
This was all so foreign to him, it shouldn't feel so weird, being comforted shouldn't feel so unreal. Until today, being held and spoken soft words to has just been a distant idea, unreachable. He always had to deal with this type of thing alone. But now, Rui's here, he's hugging him, showing he cares. Even if for some people it's just a small act, it means the world to Tsukasa. And yet it's so painful, because he wishes he had this as a kid.
" R-Rui...please–" he let a shamefull cry for his director, who in response gently ran his fingers through his hair. The action should have made him calm down, but it did the opposite. Tsukasa didn't understand why he couldn't stop panicking.
Seeing that his actions weren't working, Rui nervously tried to think of a different approach to help his friend. He then remembered something he usually does, maybe it would be too straightforward but he had to at least try. Feeling Tsukasa trembling in his arms while hearing his desperate sobs was breaking his heart.
Rui slightly undid their embrace " Tsukasa-kun," he called the boy as he linked both their hands together, bringing one pair to his chest and the other to Tsukasa's so they could feel each other's and their own heartbeat at the same time.
Speaking of heartbeat– Tsukasa immediately noticed how Rui's heart was also beating fast, but not as much as Rui noticed Tsukasa's scarly fast one. He grew even more concerned.
" Try...try breathing with me ok?" Rui looked into the depths of the blond's bloodshot eyes " Y-Yeah."
Rui took in a deep breath then released it slowly after. Tsukasa could feel his chest go up and down at the motion, he blinked away some tears before trying to control his own breathing. He started to copy Rui but his inhales and exhales came in shaky, unsteady breaths– completely far from controled. Was it...not going to stop? Oh god he just wants it to stop–
" R-Rui it's not working– what do I, what should I..." Tsukasa, feeling more panicked, shot his head up to Rui in desperation.
" Tsukasa." He interrupted the blond, looking him deep in the eyes with a small frown and squeezing both his hands before taking another deep breath.
Focus.
Tsukasa gulped and closed his eyes.
Their heartbeats, the rise and fall from their chests.
Following Rui he began breathing in, and out...in, and out...
" You're doing great Tsukasa-kun. You're going to be ok."
Their heartbeats were slowly becoming synced now. He continues, carefully. In, and out...
He's not that scared anymore because...it's ok. He's going to be ok.
And one more time, in...and out...
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Rui wasn't sure how much time had passed. Tsukasa's head fell on his shoulder at some point and even though his breathing was back to normal, he continued clinging to Rui– who of course, let him.
Eventually Tsukasa lifted his head and backed away, a deep sigh escaping his lips " God. I'm so sorry you had to see that."
" Are you feeling better?" Stupid question, maybe. His face was still red and glistening with tears.
Tsukasa nodded with a weak smile " Mhm, thanks to you! Hahaha!" his laughter dissolved into uneasy silence, punctuaded by a exagerated pat on Rui's back.
" Be serious with me" Rui frowned, he wasn't buying any of that " What's going on?"
Tsukasa blinked, his facade slipping for a second " Just had a bad dream– but I'm ok now!"
" Tsukasa-kun..." Rui called him out, voice stern.
" What? I'm telling the truth!" the boy sounded almost offended. Because, well, he wasn't really lying– Tsukasa hated lies. He was just...not telling everything. He had a habit of doing that, he realized.
Rui bit his lip, pondering on wheter or not he should continue pressing on the subject. Tsukasa clearly didn't want to talk, it was like this back then too, at the theatre. Rui said he would step in if he needed to, that time he let it slide– as his director he knew Tsukasa had to go trough that on his own– but now, as his friend, Rui had to do something. He wouldn't let Tsukasa keep these feelings to himself anymore. He wanted to help. So yes, he will keep pushing.
And it's ok, because Tsukasa trusts him.
Rui sighed " Tsukasa-kun, I just helped you through a panic attack." the blond tensed, averting his gaze in shame, wich made Rui squeeze his hand again " You're acting off all day...and it's not only because you're sick or had a bad dream. There's more to it, right?"
He waits, expecting the blond to open up but instead the moment his face began to crunch up Tsukasa was quick to hide it all with a smile again, brushing it off like Rui hadn't just seen him crying his eyes out.
" Rui! I told you I'm fine now!" Tsukasa forcefully took his hand back, away from the boy's hold. What happenned earlier was out of his control, that's why he let himself indulge in Rui's kindness– maybe indulged way too much– He's fine with it as long as it's surpeficial, as long as Rui doesn't know how truly weak he is. He already bothered him enough.
" Just let it be, ok?"
Rui didn't understand...
" I just– I'm worried! Please...talk to me."
Tsukasa trusts him...right?
"..."
A sudden wave if guilt hit Rui like bus. He shouldn't have pressed him like that– like he said, maybe he can deal with it on his own...But, on the other hand, the thought of leaving Tsukasa to cry alone again– it's unacceptable. If he sees that expression on Tsukasa's face again he'll just act on his heart, wich will probably only push him away even more. Yes, shocking. The prodigy Rui Kamishiro acting recklessly on emotion rather then logic– but that's what happens whenever he's near Tsukasa. From their daily life to moments like this, his mind seems to stop working the way it should.
If he were in his right mind, he wouldn't have pressed him like that.
...
Should he really leave him be?
This is thorning him apart.
The director suddenly got up and Tsukasa's head shot up at him in panic. Was he leaving? The mere thought of being left alone was enough to make the blond's head spin again.
" I'm going to get you some water–"
" Wait!" Tsukasa grabbed Rui's wrist, preventing him from going any further " Don't leave."
" I...I don't want to be alone," the words leave him before he can even think about his contradictory behavior. Tsukasa stopped for a moment to lower his head in shame " not when I'm like this again–"
Something inside Rui's mind clicked as he had a pretty important realisation " Tsukasa-kun...has this happened before?"
The blond sad-ish gaze turned into a more confused one.
" No, of course you got sick before– what I mean is," Rui paused before speaking low and carefully
" Were you ever...left alone like this?"
He saw it, the way Tsukasa's body tensed and his expression became similar from the one he had when he woke up.
Bingo.
" I..." Tsukasa's tough facade finally crumbled and this time he couln't stop a bitter frown from forming.
Rui's face soften, will he let him in this time? " What is it?" he took a spot besides him on the bed again
" What's going on?"
The blond bit his lip, hesitant " Is it really ok for me to talk about it?" He paused, letting out a dry, mirthless chuckle " I mean, I don't want to burden you with my sob stories.." another pause followed by a sublte tongue click " ..No need to indulge me ok?"
Rui could feel his heart physicly shrink at the bitter expression on Tsukasa's face, the kind of hurt expression you only have when you accept defeat. So this is why Tsukasa is closing himself off, why he wasn't trusting him? He's scared of burdening Rui? Rui– of all people? Rui, who abandoned everything he was doing, ran all theway to his house and took care of him with all the love in his heart. Does Tsukasa think...he's only doing because he feels like he has to?
In that momet he realized something– Tsukasa had no idea how deeply Rui cared for him.
That had to change.
He surged foward, grabbing the blond's shoulder with a newfound determination and only one objective in mind: make him understand.
" Tsukasa-kun, I will always want to hear you." This time it was Tsukasa's eyes that widen at the tenderness in his voice " It doesn't matter if it's a sad or happy story, it's part of who you are. And I want to know all of you...Because I lo-" he bit his own tongue at the slip-up " I...like a-and admire you, Tsukasa-kun. I want to be someone who you can trust this feelings to."
Love. Rui almost said love just now. No, no he probably misheard it...
" Rui.." Tsukasa found himself speachless for once. Rui had this effect on him sometimes. He never knew what to expect from his director, struggling to figure out his motives– and this strong, senseless, softness and care he often showed towards Tsukasa made him just as confused. But even if he doesn't have it all figured out yet, Tsukasa thinks he understands it more now. All this time, he was trying so hard to seem strong in front of Rui and don't cause any more problems that he failed to notice that...Rui didn't need to have a motive, it didn't need to be so complicated. It was simple yet crucial,
Rui wanted to help. He wanted to help because he simply, genuiely, cared about Tsukasa. And there was nothing wrong with him for wanting that care.
" Thank you, I...I do trust you, you know?" He didn't miss the way Rui's eyes lit up at that " If everything you said is really true–"
" it is."
" ...Then, I'm ok with talking about it. As long as it doesn't bother you."
Rui sighed, giving him a reassuring smile
" Tsukasa-kun, I told you. You would never be a burden to me..."
Tsukasa couldn't help but smile back, a small, but real smile.
" So. Uhm," He caughed awkwardly, not really knowing how or where to start, he's not used to any of this.
Rui chuckled, placing a gentle hand on his back
" Your dream, why did wake up like that?"
" Ah. It wasn't really a dream– more like...memories, things I forgot."
" Memories?"
" Weird right? I was– it was about...agh! How do I explain..!" he trailed off, eyes wondering down to the floor.
" Take your time...just organize your thoughts."
Tsukasa took a quick glance to the boy besides him just to be met with soft yellow eyes paying close attention to him. His heart skipped a beat and he averted his gaze again. He does wants to tell Rui, to share his worries...that way, maybe, he will feel understood rather than alone. That's what he aims to do when he's on the other end of the line at least.
" Ok, you know how Saki used to stay in the hospital a lot when we were younger, right?" That should be a good start.
Rui nodded " Yes, I'm aware..." he had a feeling about where this was going.
" When she first started getting hospitalized everything became a mess– for both us and our parents" he bit his lip hard. He wasn't the only one who had a hard time " A-And well. They had to work a lot you know? So I had to stay home alone most of the time."
" Tsukasa-kun how... how old were you again?"
" Around eight from what I remember."
That's was a concernly young age to be left alone for a long time and so frequently. Rui couldn't help but picture young Tsukasa– the loud Tsukasa who's always surrounded by people– sitting alone at an empty dinner table, in an empty house, for years and years of his life. And he said that so casually it made Rui's chest tighten. He probably made a face too because Tsukasa let out a sigh when they locked eyes, followed by a dry chuckle.
" Come on...I thought you wouldn't pity me!"
Alarms went off in Rui's head. Shit. " That's not!–"
Tsukasa shook his head " No, it's fine," he tried to give Rui a weak smile " I'm just messing with you."
And before Rui could say anything else, the blond opened his mouth again.
" Well, I guess it was ok at first. But in the middle of it all I myself started having this strange illness out of nowhere! I would have very high fevers and headaches...kinda like..." Tsukasa froze like he just had a sudden realisation. Rui too, widen his eyes as his mind, like always, already worked on putting things together.
" Kinda like now." Tsukasa fineshed under his breath.
"A-Anyways–" he shook his head to get back on track " My parents took me to the doctor but there was nothing wrong with me. The dream, well, memory, was about that time."
Rui stayed silent. It was like he just found the final piece of the puzzle– Tsukasa's behavior, his weird symptoms, this whole situation. It was starting to make more sense now.
" I-I'ts just that...I guess being alone this week messed up with me a little...and also being sick– it just made all of what I felt come back...You know?"
Tsukasa gulped, head still pounding. He did feel way better after finally sharing that, like a weight left his shoulders...but he would be lying if he said it fixed everything.
" Tsukasa-kun" Rui called him out with a seriouse tone when he noticed the other fineshed talking. Tsukasa's head shot up at him " I'm not a health professional but," he paused. It's time to test his thesis " Have you ever considered you might have an emotional fever?"
The boy blinked, he had no clue what Rui was talking about– it wasn't what he expected him to say at all " Huh? An..An what now?!"
The director eyes wandered around impatiently. Tsukasa knew that expression, he was trying to find the right words.
" You know– when a child, and even older people, go through a traumatic experience, or a lot of stress in general, it can reflect on the body....When Nene was little I witnessed her go through something like that. Her mother is a doctor so she explained it to me" Rui cursed himself and made a mental note to apologize to Nene later for sharing that, he didn't really think before speaking that last part. At least the sacrifice wasn't in vain seeing how Tsukasa's eyes soften with understandment and he seemed to take credibility " I just thought that...maybe it's what happened to you. What's happening now."
" But, trauma..? Are you saying..." he cuts himself off. Yes, he did have a hard time but it wasn't like...that.
Surely something as small as being left alone a couple times wouldn't affect him that much right?
Rui hesited " I'm saying it might be related to you feeling...lonely."
" O-Oh. Like a trigger?"
" Precisely."
Tsukasa bit his lip, eyes wandering around the room. He couldn't lie to himself anymore. As much as he hated to admit the effect lonelyness had on him, his own body showed the truth. It just made too much sense. Rui was right.
" But I'm...I'm not a kid! If my body gets like this everytime I feel lonely then...then I won't be able to..!" he closed his hands in trembling tight fists.
" Tsukasa-kun." Rui stopped him from spiraling, shooting him that determined expression again
" You're aware you don't have to be alone anymore, right?"
" Huh?"
Rui's lips curl up in a pained smile as he scoots closer until their shoulders are touching. Tsukasa could be so dense sometimes.
" Like you said, you're not a kid. Things are different from back then. You have Saki, Toya, Nene, Emu, the Vocaloids and–" Rui put his hand on top of his for what felt like the thousenth time that day. He held it tightly, intertwining their fingers together
" You have me Tsukasa-kun." a pause, a heartbeat " I won't let you feel lonely ever again. I just ask you to trust me, please don't let yourself drown in that lonelyness."
Tsukasa's eyes widened, and he was left speechless as Rui's words sank in. The way Rui looked at him with a shine in his eyes of pure, genuine affection left him breathless. It made him truly belive– even if only for that fleeting moment– that he could escape the lonelyness he had buried himself in all those years.
" If you ever feel like this again, you can talk to me, or any of us. We all love you deeply and want to be here for you. That's why we're troupmates, why we're friends."
Tsukasa let a soft chuckle, a sincere smile brightening his face "Hah...It's that simple, isn't it?"
Rui too, giggled with him for no apparent reson. He just missed that smile.
" Tsukasa-kun I just realised," Rui said after a few moments of sweet silence, sounding worried all of a sudden " I really should make you something to eat! You probably ate nothing since last night–"
As he was about to get up, Tsukasa grabbed his arm like last time.
" Wait!"
Rui stopped immediatly, looking back at the blond. He was gripping his arm quite hard.
" Sorry if it sounds weird but.." Tsukasa trailed off " Could you...could you stay with me? Just until I fall asleep?"
Rui smiled again and nodded " Ah, of course."
When Tsukasa finally– but seemingly reluntant– let go of his arm, Rui sat back on the chair next to the bed. He looked at his friend, waiting for him to settle under the sheets and get the rest he deserves. Instead, Tsukasa stared back at him with a embarrassed smile on his face.
" I meant...In bed.."
Rui's eyes widen " O-Oh..!"
But before he could say anything else, Tsukasa shuffled around and buried himself on the sheets, back facing Rui as if to hide his face " You don't have to! I'm so sorry– that was probably–"
Rui ignored him and was quick to throw himself on bed, scooting closer to the blond. There's no way he was going to refuse such a nice request.
" Rui!? What are you–" Tsukasa squeeked out when Rui carefully wrapped his arms around him. When he said in bed– he wasn't expecting full on cuddling! But if Rui doesn't mind...he's not opposed to it either..
" Hush! Now go to sleep Tsukasa-kun!" Rui said as he brought him closer so the blond's back rested against his chest and he could properly hug him
" I will be here when you wake up."
Tsukasa found himself once more indulging in Rui's kindness, except this time, he felt no guilt. He only fluttered his eyes close and surrended to the heart warming embrace. If friends cuddle eachother like that, if everything so far meant something more as just platonic. For both of them, it didn't matter.
What mattered now was that Rui could hold him close and show him his care.
What mattered now was that Tsukasa could finally gain closure and feel understood.
What mattered now was that they had eachother.
" Thank you...Rui..."
.
.
-
-
_
_
Tsukasa woke up to an empty bed and a much lighter head.
He rubbed his eyes with a sleepy groan, the soft rays of sunlight peaking trough the blinds indicated it was still day, although he was sure he sleept for a long time or at least it felt like it.
With another yawn, he sat up on bed and scanned the room. Contrary to what he thought, Tsukasa didn't get that dreadfull feeling when he noticed he was alone– probably because he knew he wasn't, he knew Rui wouldn't just leave like that, the subtle noises downstairs proved that.
Still, Tsukasa absently petted the empty spot besides him. It was still warm even though he asked Rui to stay only untill he fell asleep. He rolled down on bed again, nuzzling the soft blankets. It still smelled like him too...
Suddenly, a robotic voice shattered his moment
" What's Tsukasa-kun doing?"
"Wah!" Tsukasa jumped, head shootng up to the hologram coming from his, now charged, phone at the besides table " M-Miku! Hi!" he stuttered, a embarrassed smile coming to his face at how he got caught red-handed. At least it was Miku and not..somebody else..
" Hi Tsukasa-kun! Miku heard you weren't feeling well..."
How did she know? Well, Miku always seems to know more than she lets on anyways...
" Yes, I got a small sickness– but I'm way better now so don't worry!"
" Miku knows!" She chirped happily " Miku knows Tsukasa-kun will continue getting better and better from now on."
He blinked, puzzled.
" We're all happy for you Tsukasa-kun " Miku's voice toned down to a more softer and gentle tone he almost nevers hears from the energetic girl.
Tsukasa felt his lips curl up in small, geniune smile " ...Thank you Miku."
She grinned back at him " Miku has to go now! Byebye!"
They waved goodbye and she faded away on the blue artificial light. Before Tsukasa could ponder on their short interaction, his eyes fell to the huge number of notifications on his phone.
" That's right, Saki..!"
He rumaged through the message app with urgency, there were an awfull lot of missed calls and unread messages– not only from Saki– but she had priority so Tsukasa opened her chat first and scrolled down to the most recent messages.
Saki✩
< Toya told me you didn't go to school I'm getting really worried is everything alright??? :((
9:02
Saki✩
< Tsukasa are you ok? ૮₍•᷄ ༝ •᷅₎ა
10:14
Saki✩
< RUI TOLD ME YOU'RE SICK
< PLEASE PLEASE REST A LOT OK!!! AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT GOING TO PRACTICE!!!
< I really wanted to be there with you right now brother...you always take such good care of me!! I want to do the same!!
< But I'm glad you have Rui and Toya with you. Get well soon so we can talk again!!! Miss you big brother!! ( ´･･)ﾉ(._.`)
12:32
Tsukasa couldn't help but chuckle softly at her texts. As much as he hates worrying her, he apreciates the concern. They're siblings afterall, it's only natural for them to worry about one another like this. He eyed the time, it was almost five! Gosh, he really did sleep a lot! He needs to at least give her a sign after all that time...
Hi Saki! I'm so sorry for worrying you. Thankfully Rui came by and helped so now your brother is good as new! Call me when you're free and don't forget to enjoy your trip! Miss you too, best little sister in the whole world! >
4:50
" There, that should do" It's better if he answer the others too, it's not nice to leave people on the dark like he had been doing! As the blond was about to scroll trough the other chats he heard more comotion downstairs. Rui.
" Yeah, let's tell Rui I'm awake first..."
Tsukasa got up slowly, half expecting his legs to give out like earlier. But everything seemed fine so far, no black dots invading his vision or wobbly body. He carefully took one step, then another, then–
" EH!? Shinonome-kun you're here too?!"
He froze as a familiar voice echoed through the house. Was that–
" Emu, try to keep it down..!" another familiar voice chimed in " Haven't you noticed how quiet the house is? Tsukasa must be sleeping..."
" Ih! S-Sorry!"
He stood there in the middle of his room, where he could hear everything without being seen. Just what was going on?! Why were Emu and Nene there?!
" I'm only here to help Toya out until practice, just to clarify..."
Tsukasa's jaw droped. Well, he already expected Toya to come but...WHY WAS AKITO AT HIS HOUSE?! JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE DID RUI LET IN?!
" But Akito we don't have–" Toya's unmistakeble voice was cut shortly.
" We brought more medicine!" the ginger huffed.
" Hehe, thank you" Rui giggled and Tsukasa heard shuffle of, what he assumed was, shopping bags.
" I should be the one thanking you, Kamishiro-senpai. You even skipped school for our sake."
" Trust me, that's the last of his worries" He had to agree with Nene on that one...
" Ah! We also brought something" Emu said with excitment before there was more plastic bags sounds " Thanran! Ingredients to make a super special soup! It's the recipe my sister makes for me when I'm sick, it works like magic!"
Tsukasa's eyes widen and he tighten his fist. Were they...were they all here for him? To help him?
" Thank you girls!..I had no idea what to cook for Tsukasa-kun.."
" By the way, how is he doing?" Nene asked.
" The fever went down, he's asleep now" Rui paused. If Tsukasa could guess, he would say Rui had that stupid soft smile on his face " I think he just needs some rest, medicine and...Well, us."
Tsukasa's heart skipped a beat. Rui's right. That's just what he wants now.
" Mhn? What do you mean?"
" Ah– It's nothing. Let's just do our best and be here for him."
" Of course! I hope Tsukasa-kun feels better soon so we can continue doing amazing shows together!"
" Then I will begin cooking, Tsukasa-senpai deserves a amazing dish."
" Uh. Toya, partner. I think it's better if you leave the kitchen to me..."
" Oh...you're right. Thank you, Akito."
" W–We'll help too!"
Tsukasa stood there in somekind of shock. The house was so full, so lively. And they were all there because they cared about him–
' We all love you and want to help. That's why we're troupmates, why we're friends.'
He felt warm, but not the painfull warmth from before, the one that burned out his heart and made him feel like his brain was melting. This was a good warmth, a nice, comforting presence coming from his heart and enveloping him in a soothing hug.
' Things are different from back then. Now you have Saki, Toya, Nene, Emu, the Vocaloids...and me.'
" Hah.. " His eyes sparkled, a reliefed smile growing on his face.
He was never really alone.
Tsukasa made his way across the room, placing his hand on the railing and taking his first step down the stairs with a big smile.
He doesn't need to feel lonely anymore.
" Hey guys!"