Work Text:
Inside a small classroom, in an all-girls' high school, a girl with long pink hair was studying an equation on the blackboard. She sighed, "Man… I can never get this problem done. Who the hell does calculus, and makes an impossible problem to be solved?!"
She wrote on the blackboard the answer, but she furiously erased it. He growled, "N minus 1, no… That can't be it…"
Tales of the Bizarre #87b:
I of Inui
(Heather Dunn): Meet Sajuna Inui, 17-years old, and student of an all-girls private school. Just now, she is trying to solve a frantic problem that appears to be unsolvable.
She hollered, as she was trying to solve it, but to no avail. "GRAAAAAAAAAAH! DAMMIT!"
She slammed the books down and hollered, "THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!"
(Heather): Lesson learned… The next time you decide to solve a problem that is deemed impossible, don't. Now you may think this is the end of the story… If you say yes…
"I'd sell my soul to solve this damnable problem!"
CRACKLE! BOOM!
A woman appeared from the black smoke, as Sajuna was shocked.
(Heather): …then you'd be stupid.
A woman with long brown hair done in a bun, and a white teacher's outfit appeared. She said, "Fret no more, my dear. For I can help you solve this calculus formula."
Sajuna barked, "Who the hell are you?"
"Who do you think, dearie?"
Sajuna realized, "Good. You solve it, I'm going to hit town, for a little shopping and reference–."
SMOOSH!
She slammed herself to the door. It was locked tight. The teacher said, "Uh-uh-uhhhh… No-no, little one. You're not going anywhere… because you wanted help, right?"
Sajuna protested, "It was a slip of a tongue, alright! Now, who the hell are you?"
"Who the hell am I? Guess…" She cackled, as Sajuna whimpered, "Oh, no… NO! NOOOO! It was a mistake! I slipped! I didn't mean you! A demon from Hades!"
"Demon, you say?" The teacher said, "I'm no demon… I'm THE Devil! Here's the idea, Juju… Should I call you "JuJu"? Oh, yes… And before you ask, I know exactly who you are, Sajuna Inui. Here's the thing, this endless solving of perhaps an unsolvable equation of mathematics? It's beautiful. Very exquisite, mi amiga. It just so happens to be a phonic delivery of old-fashioned demonic invocation; especially with that neat woven charm, so to speak. And it's my job to make sure… I will help you, for a price."
"Yeah, well, it's MY job to tell you that I'm not interested in an old bag that wants my body for a mathematical equation that even a genius with a 600 IQ, or in this case, 666 IQ, can even solve! So, cut the theatrics and leave!"
"Aren't you feisty with that salty tongue? I heard of you, showing less skin as you are, especially since your assets are small. But you have a sharp mind and strong heart. But I'm not going anywhere. I'm just a sub-agent to close the deal. Once you invoke the summoning, there's no turning back. It's all a formality. It's just as a 1990s cartoon sitcom says: "You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't." It's unfair, yes… But we're evil."
Sajuna protested, "BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR! I mean, what is it with you and souls, anyway?! I get it, you sell your soul for a donut, maybe even a pizza, or high heel shoes, a perfectly stitched and authentic cosplay outfit. Do you even use the souls for yourself?"
"To be honest, no. We're more of a business venture. We purchase them, process them, and after a few reasonable markups or so, to one of our massive chains. Take, for example, one of the overlords in the Overlying Dimensions. He uses the souls to maintain workers, by raising the dead, and using their zombie bodies for labor. He gets two to three million a year. But for him, we get a bulk rate."
She stepped back and said, "Okay… I know you're desperate, but let's cut straight to the main attraction. Now, there are rules to this, so listen up. First, you get to ask me three questions about my juice, you follow me?"
"Juice… So, you're saying as in… Powers, abilities, and whatnot. I get it."
"Yes. For a human that's the size and body width of a moray eel, you are rather clever. But… if you use all three questions… then I get to give you a fourth. You can also send me away on a task that I must perform. Of course, if I fail to do so, you shall be spared of your soul."
Sajuna grinned, "Really?"
"Yes… Really." The devil grinned, "And that was Question #1."
"OH! DAMMIT! That doesn't count!"
"Come now… All's fair in evil. Of course, I have never failed, since… since… Wait… What year was the Peloponnesian War, anyways?"
"Second question, since I used up the first: Are there any temporal or physical to your abilities?"
"Not at all." She said, "I can go faster than the speed of light… or even make two atoms fuse together in the quantum state as you easily try to solve. I can go anytime, anyplace, anywhere, as I even have everything recorded within the Omniverse."
Sajuna asked, "This is my final question, which relates to the first."
"Poetry… Sheer poetry. And that is?"
"Well, is there any place in this universe that you can go and not be able to find your way back here?"
"Sadly, no…" She said, "You see, I can scoot off to the Andromeda Galaxy and back within a nanosecond. I could even take a microsecond to Berlin, and learn what would happen if Germany won the war in 1918 and 1945. Or even to the 21st Century, and see what happens when Donald Trump and the Republican Party took over, during COVID-19, or maybe back to Rome, and live to see Alexander the Great live a long living life… like Betty White, Bert I. Gordon, Bob Hope, or Norman Lear. Yet they lived long… and prospered in life." She glared, "But you, JuJu… I had higher hopes for you… The last time someone tried it to me, it was in the 5th Century BC. It didn't work then… and it doesn't work now."
Sajuna said, "Now… I have one final question, but I can also give you a request."
The devil smirked, "Yes. That's correct. A question that I can't answer, or a task I cannot perform."
Sajuna smirked, "Then here's my request. I am offered to give the devil her task. Nay… a command!"
"And that is…"
Sajuna glared at her, "GET LOST!"
The Devil gasped, as she was horrified by her cold words. But also, it was a task that she could not perform. She screamed, "No… NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Her body started to evaporate and melt. Sajuna smirked, as the devil was banished away, never to be seen again. Sajuna Inui's soul was saved.
(Heather): There's a lesson to be learned from this. NEVER EVER… sell your soul to the devil. Yet another way to avoid dealing with the devil, when you foolishly demand to give your soul away.
After cleaning up the classroom, Sajuna opened the door and hissed, "Well, she was no help at all. Remind me to have someone erase the damn blackboard." She shut the door, and the board was still with the unsolvable problem.
(Heather): This has been a public service announcement from the "Tales of the Bizarre".