Chapter Text
Kili couldn't remember a time when his Uncle had praised him. Anything he did, training, blacksmithing, (braiding even!) had been met with a blank face, a harsh voice saying it wasn’t bad but it could be done better. This wasn’t counting the disappointed faces he received when he and, more often than not, Fili cause some form of mischief their Uncle didn’t approve of.
Then he had told them of the journey to retake their home and Bilbo had been thrust into their group.
Kili would never admit it but he got a sick sort of satisfaction whenever Bilbo tried to help and Thorin would stomp on what he had done with the blank face and harsh words Kili had come to know very well.
His spirits had perked up a bit, he started training that much harder, sang louder, took extra time setting his traps for food, made Fili let him braid his hair, tried to be the Dwarf his Uncle wanted.
Thorin still pointed out the tiniest flaws.
“You left your right side open a second to long while swinging that’s all it takes for an arrow or a sword to pierce you.”
“Your traps weren't big enough; you could have easily caught four rabbits instead of two.”
“That stitch in your coat is going to get snagged, next time have Ori mend it.”
The list went on, driving the invisible dagger deeper into Kili every time. The two things keeping his head up was Fili speaking quietly in the night saying he was doing great, that he need not listen to Uncle; he was stressed from the journey is all. Then Fili would kiss him and Kili would feel better. The other was Thorin’s constant distaste for anything the Hobbit did.
The battle of the Storm Giants had left him shaken; he had grabbed his brother as soon as they were in reach of each other, held him tight. Thorin had grabbed Fili’s hair and pressed their foreheads together, murmured something he couldn't hear, then let go. The look he had given Kili made his breath catch in his throat, made him look away ashamed, it was a look of contempt, for what reason he didn't know. Kili was almost glad when the Goblins had captured them.
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Bilbo had saved his Uncle’s life.
The words tasted like acid in Kili’s mouth. The scared little Hobbit had jumped to his Uncle’s rescue while he had been making sure Fili was ok. He had been prepared to jump into the fray as soon as Fili was on stable ground.
He felt cheated, it was supposed to be his moment, and he cursed not for the first time wishing Bilbo had taken two more seconds to act. The ride on the Eagles had been maddening because he couldn't see to his Uncle; clutching Fili’s jacket as his brother yelled out for his Uncle had been the only thing he could do till they were on solid ground.
The praise in Thorin’s voice made him freeze; surely it couldn't be his Uncle talking? The hug struck him harder and more painfully than any weapon. Breath caught in his throat, stuck like the molasses he would put on bread.
The trudge down the rock they were on was slow and long. He snuck glances of Thorin helping Bilbo down, keeping just below him to catch him should he slip. Fili’s gasp brought his attention back to his brother; he ignored the two giving all his attention to helping Fili instead.
The company reached the bottom as the sun was setting; they made camp in a little inlet of the rock they just climbed down. Kili went through the motions of helping gather firewood and help get the food ready before anyone asked him. He handed Thorin the first bowl, as is customary, and was waved off as Thorin declared loudly that the dinner tonight was dedicated to Bilbo and that he should get the first bowl. Kili did as he was told, stomach tightening while Thorin continued to say his praises to the Hobbit.
Kili took his seat by Fili taking only a bite before setting it down; it tasted like ash in his mouth. He excused himself with a concerned look from Fili and took to the forest. He walked until the site of the fire was gone and he could no longer hear voices. He promptly dropped to his knees as his stomach lurched, nothing came up making him gag and dry heave as only bile filled his throat. He spit it out, heaving again. Tears sprang to his eyes, spitting out more bile he dropped to his forearms breathing hard.
He didn’t know how long he stayed like that spitting bile as his stomach tried to expel what it didn’t have. A hand appeared on his back rubbing gently, he tensed but didn’t pull away knowing instinctively it was his brother.
“Kili?” his name was spoken softly, making him calm just from the one word.
“I am alright,” Kili started, feeling his brother’s hand stop he continued, “today’s events have just caught up with me and…” he paused and suddenly he was being pulled up and was being held by a quivering Fili.
The younger dwarf curled into Fili, gripping him tightly. The guilt hit Kili like a ton of gold and he clutched Fili to him. He berated himself for being a selfish Dwarf, he had pushed the fact he almost lost Fili twice in as many days to the back of his mind.
Pushing his own pain over his stupid jealousy of the Hobbit in the back of his mind, he comforted his brother, he could be selfish another day. Right now the need for his brother, who needed him as well, outweighed his need for his Uncle’s favor.
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The company woke when the sun was high in the sky, made quick work on preparing the food, ate and then were on their way again. Thorin had Bilbo walk beside him with another boast of how proud he was to know a Hobbit who could do what Bilbo had done.
Kili walked at the back of the group and even Fili joining him to try and make him join in a prank didn’t lift his mood.
Over the next few days Kili found himself sinking into a dark depression every time Thorin opened his mouth.
“Is that how you catch fish in your town? How resourceful, well done!”
“A great service you provide in being knowledgeable about plants and berries you can eat; teach some of the others it will help when we run low on supplies.”
“I told the others how tasteful the soup you made for me was the night I arrived; they have all asked to test your cooking skills.”
After failed attempts to find out what was wrong and trying to cheer him up the company began keeping their distance. Even Fili, concerned as he was, was cautious around his brother, never saying anything when he fell back to walk beside him.
The days kept dragging; Kili began to feel frantic to earn even one favor from his Uncle. He would go gather firewood when they stopped before anyone asked or volunteered, he became more diligent when he was on watch, his fingers were beginning to rub raw from the traps he made, making sure they were just right, big enough to catch a whole bundle of whatever scurried into it.
One night after a particularly good trap, if he did say so himself, had been made and managed to catch enough for almost the entire company. Fili was muttering about stupid brothers while wrapping a bandage around his bloody hand that had rubbed raw enough he could barely move it.
The company was laughing having had an easy day of relaxing and refilling their supplies; Uncle had even been in a good mood. It was why he almost sprang up in glee when Thorin came to stand in front of them.
“Kili, why has your hand been damaged to the point it is bleeding and needs a bandage?” Thorin’s voice was deceptively calm; the brothers froze though easily recognizing the anger underneath.
Kili felt his throat go dry, finally looking up at his Uncle, “I have been working on my traps, I was pulling it hard to make sure everything stayed and that it was good and tight.”
Thorin clenched his hand; the company went silent when he didn't respond right away. Kili hunched slightly, the older Dwarf’s eyes narrowed and hardened, “You would injure your dominant hand on a quest? What if we were to come across an enemy? You would be utterly useless; you would risk the lives of your companions because they were having to watch you and themselves?” the words spat out like daggers, jaws dropped and there was a small gasp from Ori at the condemnation.
“Because of your selfish need to make those traps you've become a danger and do no good to any of us if you cannot be prepared for battle; you’re off watch duty till further notice.” He turned to Fili, not batting an eye at the glare the blonde was giving him, “Finish bandaging his hand, then take him to go fill the canteens, he can at least do that.” He stormed away disappearing into the forest.
For a while no one said anything, only gave confused looks to each other at the sudden outburst.
“Here brother let me finish wrapping your hand alright? Then we can go take a bath and fill the canteens.” Fili’s hushed voice broke the silence, picking up the other’s hand and the bandages he dropped in shock.
A mumble from Kili made him pause and he looked at his brother. His face was pinched, red with embarrassment.
“What was that brother?” Fili asked leaning closer.
“I said,” Kili began, “I can…I can bandage it myself.” He pulled his arm back but Fili kept a strong grip on his wrist.
“Let me go ahead and-“
“I said I can do it myself!” Kili yelled his voice cracking. He wrenched his arm free standing up and stumbling back to put distance between himself and everyone else, “I can do it myself.” He whispered frantically.
Fili stood up.
“No one said you couldn't.” Fili stated, he reached a hand out to his brother, “Kili…” he stopped as Kili turned suddenly, bolting into the forest.
“Kili!” Fili took after his brother, hearing a few of the others behind him. Fili cursed when he lost sight of Kili, his brother was deceptively fast. Fili came to a stop, forcing his breath to slow to hear for signs of Kili. Bifur, Dwalin and Gloin finally caught up, “I think he took to the trees.” Fili whispered.
The other’s nodded and they moved quietly through the forest, finally calling out when they were unable to catch a sign of where the young dwarf had gone.
“Come Fili let’s go back, give the lad some time alone. Let him come back when he’s ready” Dwalin placed a hand on Fili’s shoulder.
Fili nodded, looking around one last time then reluctantly let himself be turned around and led back to the camp.