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“Ok, you and I are going to be friends,” is what he said to her when she first showed up at Headquarters. He had meant it as such when he said “friends”. But what was he supposed to do when she gave a quick glance back to him a minute later, a nervous smile tugging at her eyes, wringing her hands in a way he would come to find incredibly endearing?
And sure, maybe she had a bit of a mean streak. She did overthrow the Headquarters, bottle them up, and send them to The Vault. Nobody’s perfect. That’s what he thought to himself as he sat shaking inside of the bottle, with Anger banging against the glass next to him. It was a shame she had to turn around and be evil.
He had seen so little of her, but what he had seen he liked a lot. She was shaking with nervous anticipation when she had appeared next to them, and yet she handled the Headspace’s controls like she’d been there for years. She didn’t waste any of their time; she introduced herself and went straight to work, which was refreshing in a workplace full of more capricious emotions. Seeing how confident she appeared to be calmed his own nerves, even if it was just an act to hide her fear. And even if she was in the process of kicking them out of their own workplace, the squeak in her voice when Joy inspired her to bottle them up was downright adorable . So maybe he developed a little bit of a crush after meeting Anxiety. Once.
Really, it should have been the worst first impression in the history of first impressions. But Fear was a strange emotion, and however unexpected, he knew what he liked. Even though there were significantly more important things to be thinking about as they were escaping prison, he couldn’t help but think about her as they ran to escape their bottled prison.
“I bet Anxiety would have a really good plan right now…” he sang as if he was recalling his first love, and he caught himself biting his lip . Like a fool. Like an absolute mongrel. Disgust caught it too, because of course she did, and she shot him a stinging look before redirecting her focus to the actual task at hand. He felt a momentary pang of guilt before he almost tripped over a stray memory.
The next time he found himself acting like a simpleton over this emotion he barely even knew was aboard broccoli on the Stream of Consciousness. Joy was mid-sentence, trying to figure out how long it would take to reach the back of the mind when the memory of her crashed through his mind, apparently washing away all of his self-respect with it. “I bet Anxiety would know how long, down to the minute ,” he sneered, earning him a side-eye from both Anger and Disgust. “Well, she just knows everything, doesn’t she?” Joy quipped, clearly biting back an exasperated sigh and a brutal eye roll. Fear straightened up to defend himself, not catching Disgust’s eyes, and responded as evenly as she could. “Look, I don’t like her words, and I do not like her actions. I just think I can change her!” Anger barked out a laugh at that. “Looks like you have a type, man. You like your women with a little edge, don’t you?” Disgust interjected, avoiding the other emotions’ eyes. “That was years ago, Anger. Let it go.” Then they reached the sar-chasm, stopping dead in their tracks, and the beginning sparks of an argument were snuffed out. But for the rest of the trip, Disgust made a point to avoid him.
Now they were back in headquarters, Anxiety had been stopped, and everything was back to normal. At least, it was supposed to be. The days following Riley’s anxiety attack were tense, with the old emotions still trying to come to terms with the new ones, and skirting around Anxiety as if she had a contagious disease. Even Fear himself was avoiding her, but probably not for the reason the rest of them were. Envy and Joy were the only ones to make an effort to include her in the daily happenings of Headquarters: Joy out of a sense of self-righteousness, and Envy out of an apparently innate desire to follow Anxiety wherever she went. Or maybe she hadn’t gotten used to making her own decisions yet.
Things were still frosty three weeks into the new order, but most of the bad blood had been settled, and life for the emotions was reaching normalcy. Disgust had started a long-distance relationship with Lance Slashblade, which none of the rest of them understood, but there were only so many emotions in Headquarters for her to hang out with. They seemed happy, at least, with their current system of riding the Train of Thought to and from Headquarters after dark. And the new emotions had finally gotten their beds built, so they didn’t have to sleep on cots anymore.
A little more than a month had passed before The Big Announcement came crashing through Headquarters like a sledgehammer. Sadness and Embarrassment had started dating.
When the two got up in front of their coworkers to “say something important”, Fear already knew something was up. These were the most likely emotions to hide their relationship, so for them to willingly announce it like this? He smelled drama. When the two of them had laced their fingers together, Sadness’s hands being engulfed in the other’s, all of the original emotions’ heads snapped to Joy.
She was putting up a front, like she always was. Her eyes were squeezed into tense crescents, her smile stretching unnaturally wide, and her hands clenching her patterned dress. Literally lying through her teeth, she grinned out an “Oh, that’s awesome, I’m so happy for you!” Fear caught Disgust’s eyes, uncharacteristically sincere, and then Anger’s. Embarrassment didn’t seem to notice, too preoccupied with Envy’s barrage of questions, but pain flashed across Sadness’s face. He clicked his tongue. How long had those two been dancing around each other? And now look at what had happened.
He stared into the distance behind the new couple, realization flashing behind his eyes. Maybe he should take his own advice. As it turned out, he didn’t need to, because Anxiety approached him immediately after The Big Announcement.
“Hey! Hey Fear,” she exclaimed as she approached him, hands already shaking. He straightened up as she got nearer, his hands already starting to fidget as well. “Hello, Anxiety.”
“Right, so, I’ll just get right on with it. I know not everyone likes me here in Headquarters, but I know you’re at least fine with me, and I just. I want to know what I’m doing wrong.” She avoided eye contact until the last word, and he could see her tiny irises shake with anticipation. His heart sank into his stomach. This was obviously eating at her. He took a moment to process her request, his mind swimming with thoughts. He knew exactly what was the matter and how she could fix it, but maybe that would hurt her rather than help? That’s what Joy would do; she would try to convince her that people did like her, and they just needed time to warm up. But that wasn’t what Anxiety was asking. She needed action. So he opened his mouth and let it all out.
“Well, firstly, the whole taking over Headquarters and sending us to the Vault thing. That’s going to take a while to heal, and you’ve already apologized profusely, so there’s not much more you can do on that front,” he began, and something in Anxiety’s eyes shifted. Despite his inner Joy screaming at him not to, he continued. “As for everything else, yeah, there’s a lot of stuff you do that may be stopping the wound from closing. You keep bringing up the Incident, which we know comes from a place of regret, but just ends up coming off as self-pitying. Also, you need to make more of an effort with your fellow new emotions. Other than Envy, who follows you everywhere anyway, you haven’t really taken the time to bond with either Embarrassment or Ennui, at least to my knowledge, so that’s probably why they aren’t comfortable with you yet. Also, you don’t look at people when you’re talking. A lot of us don’t care about that, but I know Disgust and Joy are really particular about it, so either you’re going to have to make more eye contact or you’re going to have to go up to them and explain why you can’t. If you’re sincere, I know they’ll understand.”
He had just said a lot of words, practically thrown them at Anxiety with how fast he had been talking. But she had whipped out a notebook and was writing it all down at record speed. She dotted the last period with a flourish, with one of those sparkly pens that had hair that fanned out just like hers did. She looked up at him, genuinely confused. “Wait, why is eye contact important?” Fear caught Joy’s eyes as she walked past, and they were brimming with tears. He gave himself a note to check on her later and focused his attention back to Anxiety. “For a lot of people, it’s a sign that you’re listening to them and care about what they’re saying.” He paused, smiling. “But I know you don’t mean to do it. I have my own nervous habits, I get it.”
She grinned widely at that, now staring at him intensely as she put her notebook into her pocket. “Thanks, Fear. I knew you would be real with me.” Her hands fussed with her ponytail as she talked, absentmindedly watching the screen of Riley’s eye. He found himself unable to look away. “Honestly, I talked to Joy and Envy first, but they just assured me that people did like me and complimented me.” Her eyes widened and her hands flew in front of her. “Not that their help wasn’t appreciated! It really did make me feel better… but it didn’t really answer my question. Or fix my problem.”
Fear smiled despite himself. “Glad I could help, Xi.” The nickname slipped out before he could catch himself saying it, and Anxiety seemed to light up at that. “Xi. I like that!” She rocked back and forth on her heels, deep in thought, before she sprang onto him. She didn’t even give him time to reciprocate the hug before she was pulling back and running to the bedroom, sending a quick and smiley “Thanks again!” over her shoulder.
He stood there, spellbound, for a moment before he remembered Joy’s grief-stricken expression and his stomach fell. Carefully he turned the corner that led to the ideas closet, where he heard soft sobbing. In the back corner, Joy and Disgust were sitting, hunched over, with Disgust whispering comfort to her and patting her back sympathetically. Before either of them could see him, he slid out of the doorway. He would talk to her later.
Only a few weeks had passed before it happened. Envy and Joy walked through the entrance of Headquarters hand in hand, smiling profusely. Anxiety audibly gasped when she saw from where she was standing next to him, before her hand clamped over her mouth. The two of them had begun talking more often, in their breaks between managing Riley’s waking world. She looked up at him apologetically, and he gripped the console as he fought off his cute aggression. His eyes flicked back to the new pair, and then to Sadness, who had Embarrassment’s arm slung over her shoulder. Her smile was melancholic, but then again, what else would he expect from Sadness? He did, however, catch when the couple’s eyes met, and a silent message was shared between the two.
Envy piped up first, comically shorter than her new partner. “Hi everyone! Joy is my girlfriend now!” Joy blushed at that, but by the way Disgust’s eyebrow quirked, she agreed that it probably wasn’t from a place of love. And Envy looked more proud of herself than infatuated with her supposed girlfriend. Everyone but Sadness seemed unimpressed, or maybe that was the presence of Ennui as they controlled Riley while they were all distracted. Joy laughed, and it was hollow. “Haha, yeah. We're dating now!” She hurriedly bent down to kiss Envy on the cheek, and she flinched at the touch before snapping back into her role and cooing at Joy in return. It was sickening. He exchanged glances with Anxiety once more before turning back to his work at the console.
Hours later, as they were sending Riley to bed, Fear was forcefully pulled into a side room by a large hand. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness he saw a red figure in front of him, and let out a haggard sigh. “Oh, thank heavens. It’s just you.” Anger rolled his eyes and made sure the door was shut. “Yeah, yeah, it’s just me.” He reached out to pat his shoulder before sticking his hand in his pants pocket. “So what the hell was that, earlier?”
Fear winced, eyes flitting to the small window in the door in acknowledgement. “I have no idea. I mean, Sadness and Embarrassment became a thing, what, three weeks ago now? There’s no way Joy would have rebounded that quick.” Anger’s silhouette nodded. “It’s a ploy. I don’t know how they intend to do it, but they’re planning something,” he grumbled, eyes narrowing suspiciously. Then he scoffed. “Then again, I’m giving Envy too much credit. She probably doesn’t even know about Joy and Sadness.” Fear cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t underestimate her, Anger. Just because she’s the size of a child doesn’t make her one. She probably has her own reasons. I don’t think she’s into Joy either.”
“I’m going to talk to her. Joy, I mean,” Anger stated as flatly as he could, barely hiding his frustration. Fear held him back from the doorway. “No, no. I’ll do it. I’ve been meaning to talk to her.” Anger interrupted him. “Nuh-uh. You’ve got your own work to do. You’re going to figure out how you’re going to ask Anxiety out before I tell her myself.” Fear recoiled at his bluntness, antenna curling with unease. “You’re not slick, Fear. Not even a little bit. And I am not watching you two avoid each other like Sadness and Joy did. Do you know how annoying it is to see you two staring all doe-eyed at each other every day?” Fear opened his mouth, but was shushed by Anger’s finger to his lips. “You have three days.” And with that, he stalked out of the room and towards Joy’s bunk.
As the door slammed behind him, Fear was left with his racing thoughts. Was he really that obvious? Was Anxiety that obvious to everyone else but him? He took a moment to collect himself before he began pacing. The ultimatum from Anger was clear – he had to come up with a date idea, and fast. He tried to ignore how his body was shaking with nerves and how his head was spinning with mortification. Minutes passed without a single rational thought, and he groaned as he slumped against the wall in defeat. He was never good at this sort of thing; Disgust would know.
He shot up at the thought. Disgust would know. She was the only emotion in Headquarters that had an actual relationship. And she knew his romantic habits better than most. It had been years since they had broken up, and he knew she had been over him for longer. But it still stung when they were left alone together and couldn’t find anything to say. A lump formed in his throat, and he swallowed it down. His inner monologue was screaming at him to stay in the side room and hide from the world, but he bit down his dread and stood up. If he was going to have any luck with a new relationship, he would have to tie up the loose ends of the old one. With false but burning confidence, he opened the door and made his way towards the train station.
He found her there just as he had hoped, waiting patiently for the Train of Thought to arrive. She was smiling with anticipation, and he clenched his fists with guilt for ruining her mood. But if he wasn’t going to do it now, he never would. He wordlessly tapped her on the shoulder, and her myrtle bob was brushed away from him by her startled hands. Her eyes relaxed from their saucer-like state as they met his, heavy-lidded with exasperation. It stung. “Oh. Hi, Fear.” The way she said his name was dripping with old malice, and she looked tired to see him more than anything else. He swallowed hard. “Disgust. Hi.” He paused, and she gave him a withering look. “Go on. I don’t have all day.”
“I won’t keep you long, I know you’re on the way to your date.” Her arms were crossed in front of her, and her eyebrows mimicked them. “I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for how things turned out between us. I was really immature, and I only made it worse by not being sensitive to your feelings in the years following. And… we don’t have to be friends again if you don’t want to, but I at least want to be able to talk to you again.” Her eyes softened more with each sentence, but her arms remained in front of her, guarding her stomach.
“If this is about Anxiety, it’s fine. Really.” Fear withdrew into himself, unable to look at her. He really needed to stop wearing his heart on his sleeve. He made himself speak anyway. “It’s kind of about Anxiety, but it’s also about you, Disgust.” Her lips formed a tight line, considering him. “You deserve to feel comfortable with all of your coworkers, and right now you clearly don't. And it’s my fault.”
She sighed and reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s ok. I don’t want to be friends just yet, but thank you for apologizing. I shouldn’t have been so hard on you all these years.” They smiled at each other tentatively. “But I can tell that’s not all you wanted to talk to me about.” Fear stepped back, rubbing the back of his neck with discomfort. “Funny that you would mention Anxiety. Um. Anger told me I have three days to ask her out before he tells her himself, and I don’t really know how to be romantic. I was hoping you could give me a few ideas…?” He smiled apologetically, and Disgust rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “You’re not already together? Of course you would be this oblivious,” she chuckled, gaze flitting to the approaching train. He let out a giggle in return, but his was brimming with apprehension.
“You’re a big fan of the Dream shift, yeah?” He nodded. “I heard from Lance that the studio is planning a big one the night after tomorrow. A movie date would be nice. And you’d be alone for once.” He continued nodding, face lighting up at the realization. He let out a cheer, unintentionally imitating Joy as he jumped in the air. The emotion in front of him couldn’t help but laugh. “Disgust, that’s perfect! You’re a genius!”
The Train made a loud noise as it pulled up behind them, doors opening and workers milling around, carrying mail from the rest of the headspace and picking up the Headquarters’ own output. Fear clasped Disgust’s hands between his own, shaking them. “Well, I won’t keep you from your date. Thank you so much!” She gave him one last smile before pulling away and making her way through the sliding doors just before they closed. They waved to each other through the train window as it flew into the distance. When he could no longer see her, he let himself pause in the now-silent station, permeating with new life.
Even if he had regained some confidence, he was still the same old Fear. He avoided his question even when he talked to Anxiety the next two days, trying to ignore Anger’s “just do it, coward” glare. But with Anxiety, his smiles always seemed to come easier, and she didn’t notice a thing.
He stayed up well into the night planning the date, despite not even knowing if it was happening or not, trying to avoid the sinking feeling in his gut. He wasn’t sure what was causing it – if Anxiety went up to him earlier and asked him on a date, he would still be just as nervous. This is pathetic , he decided, and he let himself be led towards his bed. He heard a voice just before the entrance to the bedroom, and his eyes widened as he saw Joy and Envy through the small window of the side room Anger and him were in the other day. He ducked out of their line of sight, leaning against the door, unable to stop himself from listening in.
“...agreed to it because I didn’t want to be alone in Headquarters.” Envy’s voice. “I mean, look around. Everyone’s starting to pair off. Sadness and Embarrassment, Disgust and Lance, Fear and Anxiety, even Anger and Ennui are starting to hang out a lot more.” Fear’s eyes widened at that last part. He hadn’t even noticed. He was really getting swept up in the Anxiety thing, wasn’t he? “I just wanted to fit in with a partner of my own. I don’t even know if I like other emotions, cause I don’t like you like that. No offense.” Joy let out a bitter laugh. “None taken. I feel the same. I just thought, maybe if I got another girlfriend, I would get over Sadness. But it just made things worse.” There was silence for a moment before Envy spoke again. “So I guess we should break up, right?” He didn’t hear a vocal response, but Joy must’ve nodded. “No hard feelings?” A muffled sob, then Joy. “Of course not. Sorry about all this.”
The moment he heard shuffling he was sent into a panic, hiding around the corner facing the sleeping console, and the door was opened a moment later. His heart leapt in his chest as the footsteps stopped, and Envy’s barely-audible whisper could be heard. “Why isn’t Fear in his bed?” Joy giggled. “Ah, I know him. He’s probably up thinking about how to ask Anxiety out. He’s had a crush on her since the Incident.” His face flushed with embarrassment, but he couldn’t move to hide his face in his hands. Envy’s matching giggle disappeared into the bedroom, and he was stuck there until he was sure they were both asleep. Now both his knees and his brain ached.
Because of how late he stayed up, Fear was the second-to-last one to wake, not including Ennui, who had to get up at 3:00 AM for their Dream shift. When he finally made his way to the main room, he noticed Sadness and Joy at one end of the console, talking softly. Disgust was watching them too, rolling her eyes lovingly. Now that Envy had mentioned it, he noticed Anger volunteering all-too-enthusiastically to be the one to wake Ennui up, and he found himself embarrassed at his lack of observation. Speaking of embarrassment, the emotion himself was at the other end of the console, standing next to him, seemingly avoiding Sadness. He stepped closer and put a tentative hand on his arm.
“Hey bud. Is something wrong?” The larger pink emotion looked down at him, flustered as always. He took a moment to respond. “I’m ok. Sadness and I broke up.” Fear’s hand went to his heart, empathy swelling in his chest. Even if he was firmly in team Sadness and Joy, the poor guy still didn’t deserve to go through a breakup. Even if it was short-lived, he seemed to have gotten pretty attached. “We’re better as friends, we decided. It hurts, but I’ll be fine.” He patted his shoulder, and Embarrassment leaned into the touch, thankful for the company. “If you need anything, come to me, ok?” he said softly, earning him a nod in response.
As soon as he stepped away, a blur of orange appeared in front of him, smiling like sunshine. Very nervous sunshine. A smile broke out across his own face too, as was becoming habit. “Hi, Fear!” she exclaimed, her hands clenched together in front of her. “Hey, Xi,” he lilted, and she giggled at his scratchy voice. Then her face fell as she took a second look at him. “Woah, are you ok? You look like you barely slept. Did you have the Dream shift?” she grabbed his face and pulled him closer, apparently thinking nothing of it as she examined his eye bags and drooping brows. His nerves caught up to him and he replied, stuttering. “No- no, I just- uh- I couldn’t stop thinking. About things.” Anxiety let go of him and he was slingshotted back into his upright position, looking down at the wide-eyed emotion in front of him. “Oh my god I do that too! I was just thinking, sure Riley’s on the Firehawks now, but Coach could always kick her off. And sure, maybe her friends would still hang out with her, but they’d always be busy with hockey practice and they’d slowly start drifting apart from her and then what would she do? Theatre? With Mr. Patrick?! We’ve heard stories about him, he’s the worst-”
Fear cut off her rant by grabbing her hand, which seemed to do the trick as she stopped mid-sentence and stared at him. “Woah there, Xi. None of that’s going to happen, not on our watch.” Anxiety breathed out, but it was a pained noise. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I should go get some tea.” He expected her to let go and turn towards the new tea station in the kitchen, but she kept hold of his hand and led him there. He caught Envy’s eye on the way out of the room, and she gave him an obnoxious thumbs-up. He hid his face with his free hand in mortification. The other emotions must think he’s a fool.
Soon the smell of aromatic chamomile was wafting through the kitchen, and the two of them stood over the counter. There was commotion happening in the main room, but between the two of them there was a tense silence. Anxiety twirled her hair nervously as Fear filled her cup. “So, uh. I have the Dream shift tonight,” he finally coughed out. Her eyes flitted up to meet his with anticipation. “That’s your favorite,” she stated plainly. He was the first to break eye contact, and he found himself fiddling with his teabag. “It is my favorite,” he began, “and you’re. My favorite. So I was hoping you would join me?”
His eyes screwed shut before he could catch Anxiety’s orange turn to bright cherry red, so red that one might mistake her for Anger. She gripped her cup so tight that it threatened to shatter all over her striped sweater. His heart was almost beating too loudly to hear it, but he caught the sound of her stuttering a mile a minute. He opened one eye to see hers locked onto him, mouth agape, and nearly radiating heat. “Is- is this a date?” she managed to get out. Jaw locked in place, Fear nodded. “YES!” she suddenly screamed, dropping her tea on the countertop and lunging at him for a hug. “I thought I was going crazy! I like you too!” She smiled into his chest before self-awareness crashed down onto her and she pulled away. “I- oh- sorry!” she winced. Fear had turned into a statue, the only sign of life being his heart pounding a mile a minute. After a moment he spoke. “I need to sit down.”
Without a word, Anxiety sprinted to go get him a chair and her compression blanket. “Shoot, I’m so so so sorry! You must be overwhelmed.” Fear took them, nodding absentmindedly, his eyes following her. “Yeah,” he said after a moment. “I’m not really ready to face everyone else right now. Do you… mind staying here with me?” Anxiety beamed and jumped into the chair with him, clearly trying to hide her own shaking hands. “Of course! We can stay as long as you want.” And so they did.
Later, Anger turned to Ennui as they watched the other emotions take care of Riley. He pointed back at the kitchen, which had been suspiciously quiet for an hour now. “What do you think they’re doing in there?” he whispered. Ennui shrugged. “Eh, likely just sitting in silence staring at each other or something. You know them.” Anger let out a sigh. “I hope so. I’m on cleaning duty today.” The two shared a glance, and Ennui almost let out a chuckle.