Chapter Text
Anakin liked being a trophy husband. Stay at home and take care of his children? Everything he could ask for. He liked having time.
It was an adjustment, obviously. It was very different from life in the Order. But everything was great. He was great. Varykino was great. Living surrounded by nature and mosquitoes was great. Not having anything to do was great. And the best of it all was that Obi-Wan was wrong.
Anakin did not need any help with this adaptation. He was with his family, it was a natural thing. And he definitely did not need to see a Mind Healer. Obi-Wan was just exaggerating.
With Padmé away in Theed, Anakin was left caring for the twins alone. Well, besides R2-D2 and C-3PO. It was the first time he was left all alone with them for more than one day, and it was going great. More than great. Perfect, even!
The calming breeze from the Lake Country blew his hair away from his face, and peace ran through his body. Right there, on the balcony, with droid parts all around him, the meadow and the woods ahead, the lake right at the side, and Luke and Leia’s Force presence pulsing familiar and brighter than the suns of Tatooine. That's where Anakin belonged.
With a recentering sigh, he got back to his new work. He truly liked this new reality, but it still bored him sometimes. So, building and rebuilding droids were what he resorted to. And he was happy doing it.
"Daddy!"
Until he wasn't. Until Leia's shout brought red lights and alarm sirens to his head. Until blasters shot rang through his ears. Until his lungs refused to just breathe .
Anakin frantically looked around, but Luke and Leia were nowhere to be found. A devastating pressure grew inside him until Anakin felt like it could break his ribs, blow his lungs inside out, and squeeze his heart until there was nothing left.
They were right there. His babies were right there, playing in the meadow. He got distracted for one second. One second . And something happened. Leia shouted. Luke didn’t make any sound, but his Force presence was still strong but troubled. Something happened. What… What if someone… He hadn’t heard any ships or speeders, but he also hadn’t heard the twins moving.
The silence always meant something bad. Blaster's shot kept him going. Clanks meant droids were coming. A constant ring in the Force probably was an imminent explosion. He could be prepared. He should be prepared. But the silence…
Before he knew it, he was up and running through the house and into the meadow, following his daughter’s Force presence and the stomping of five-year-old feet in the grass. His heart was racing, and his shaking hands flew to his belt, just to find it empty without the comforting weight of his saber, which he didn’t have anymore, and why couldn’t he just breathe?
“Leia!” Anakin managed to squeeze through the lump in his throat. His feet got caught on the porch and he stumbled, fighting against the icy feeling that threatened to spread and freeze him whole. He wanted to curl into a ball and cry until Obi-Wan or Padmé appeared to save him. But he couldn’t. His children needed him.
Suddenly, Leia’s wild brown hair was all he could see. Anakin recovered balance and ran to her, sweeping her in a tight embrace, trying to check for any bruise, any injury as tiny as it seemed. He felt like he would burst into tears when he couldn’t find anything. And then again, because Luke wasn’t there.
“Daddy?” Leia’s tiny voice broke through the panic that swallowed him. Her big brown eyes were confused and worried but not scared. She wasn’t scared. “Why are you crying?” Her small hands covered his cheeks, and Anakin closed his eyes, realizing that his face was indeed wet and his vision blurry.
“Where is Luke?” The question came out more like a sob but apparently was enough for Leia to remember why she came to him.
“We need your help, Daddy. Is urgent.” She said in a serious tone that made his heart double the speed. Leia wasn’t scared or panicking, yet her words sent him back into that sinking hole of emotions. Anakin didn’t process Leia wiggling out of his arms or when she took his hand and started guiding him to where she wanted, all he could focus on was the goosebumps in his arms and the ringing in his ears.
Anakin searched through the Force, and the confirmation that there was no one besides them around brought somewhat of a relief to his chest. But it still wasn’t enough. There could be some enemy lurking away, planning a long-range attack. Very unlikely, his last years in Varykino were the most peaceful in his life. But something was wrong, he could feel it. Leia was worried, Luke felt troubled and somewhat distressed, and Anakin…
Anakin felt like nothing was real. Like everything could happen, and he wouldn’t see it coming. Like he was unprepared, and this uncertainty clung to him, crawling his skin and shredding his insides, poking every insecurity about his family’s safety and the consequences of his decision to resign the Order.
It was too much. He was drowning in his own feelings, and at the same time, everything told him what he was doing wasn’t enough, he wasn’t enough. Anakin felt like he could die from that combination of feelings alone.
Before he knew it, they were approaching the first tree line entering the woods. Right there, nested near a tree, was a mop of blond hair that Anakin knew as well as his own. Anakin’s heart jumped, and the breath that had been stuck in his throat finally got released. Without a second thought, he ran to Luke, still clutching Leia’s hand.
“Luke!” Anakin slid to the floor next to his son and immediately gripped him in a hug. A choked sound left him without permission, but he didn’t even mind. Luke was there. Leia was there. They were both okay. “Oh, Luke. You’re okay. The both of you will never leave my sight ever again.” Anakin pulled back a little and analyzed his son profusely. Just a tiny scratch on his upper arm, but his blue eyes were even bigger and red-rimmed, and tear streaks decorated his chubby face. Anakin’s worry sparkled. “What happened?”
“I already said we need your help,” Leia repeated in the same demanding tone Padmé had. “It’s urgent, Daddy!”
“There's so much pain, Daddy.” Luke sobbed, and Anakin felt his breathing begin to quicken but forced it to remain steady. His children were in front of him. They were safe. He was safe.
“Where… Where does it hurt? What happened?” Luke opened his mouth, but nothing besides a choked sound came out, and he threw himself back into Anakin’s arms. His worries came up stronger than before, and Anakin looked at Leia for some answers. She had scooted closer to him and was fidgety and looked a little concerned and impatient. “What happened, Leia?”
“We were just playing, and then Luke started to look sad and ran here and there was this hurt bird and… and…” Her voice trembled. “We need your help, Daddy. It is hurt!” Leia grabbed his flesh arm with tears welling up in her eyes.
For the first time, Anakin took part of his attention from his children and looked around. They weren’t very far from the Lakehouse, and right there on the grass, near where Luke was, a bird squirmed, its wing bent at an unnatural angle. Something clicked in Anakin’s head. Luke, his incredible son, had suddenly and unexpectedly connected with that little animal through the Force. His innocent, sensible five-year-old son had, without any meaning, touched the Force and now was feeling all the pain of that little bird.
Anakin felt like he could laugh with the relief that filled him. There wasn’t any danger. Nor any attack. He didn’t need to be worried or enter a defense mode. His child was just discovering the Force. He could deal with this.
“Ok.” Anakin detached Luke from his shoulder and wiped his chubby little face. Leia immediately grabbed her brother’s hand. “Everything is going to be okay, I’m here.”
“But it hurts, Daddy. Why is it hurting?” Luke cried
Anakin took a deep breath and gave his children a tentative smile. “This, what you’re feeling, is the Force.”
“The Force?” Both children said in awe.
“Like you?” Luke’s admiration and excitement warmed Anakin’s heart, and he couldn’t repress a chuckle.
“Yeah, buddy. And because you are so amazing and so sensible, you get to connect with other beings, like that bird. You are feeling what it is feeling, and it is so special.”
“Why can’t I feel it?” Leia demanded, probably feeling left out.
“I don’t know, princess. It is not right for everyone, not everyone can feel it so intensively, like your mom. But I do know you, and I know you can do anything, with or without the Force.” Anakin caressed Leia’s cheek, and she smiled.
“It’s scary. I don’t know if I want it all the time.”
“I know, but you’re not alone. You have me, Uncle Obi-Wan, and Aunt Ahsoka, and we will help you.” Anakin held one hand of each twin. “How about we go back home and ask Treepio to look for healers around to help this little bird? And then we can have some ice cream later?”
He didn’t need more to convince the twins. So, Anakin removed his tunic and gently scooped up the injured bird before guiding the children back to the house. The panic and the anxiety from before were almost forgotten, except for the light tingle behind his neck.
Later that day, Luke, once again, surprised Anakin, striking his emotions hard. He had just finished tucking Luke when the little boy held his hand with tiny fingers. His big blue eyes asked for some attention, and Anakin sat on the bed by his side. Leia watched them from the other bed with drowsy eyes.
“Daddy, will the bird be okay?” Luke asked in a small voice, and Anakin’s heart grew warm.
“Because you’re so amazing and sensitive and helped it, it will be okay. It’s receiving great care from great healers. Everything will be fine.” Anakin reassured his kid and caressed the light blond hair. Despite the persistent tingle in the back of his head, Anakin felt his chest lighten. Still, Luke didn’t let him go. “Do you need anything else, buddy?”
“Can we pr… pre… pracite with the Force tomorrow? I wanna be like you!” The small child exclaimed. A soft smile rose on Anakin’s face.
“Do you mean practice with the Force?” He gently corrected the young one, who just nodded. “Sure, sweetie. We can start with some basic stuff.”
“I want it too! Can I join?” Leia asked.
“No! You don’t have the Force.” Luke jumped in before Anakin could say anything. Leia pursed her lips and frowned, ready to argue. Anakin was too tired to do this
“Hey, no being mean, Luke. You are no better than Leia just because you got to use the Force, okay?” Anakin looked at Luke and he nodded, seeming a little guilty. “And yes, Leia, you can join. Working with the Force demands a lot of concentration, so we always start with meditation.”
“Can we ask Uncle Obi to join too?” Leia asked, hopeful.
“He is working off-world right now.” At the sight of the children deflating, Anakin quickly added, “But I can talk to him. I just don’t promise he will be able to come this time, okay? Now it’s getting late, and you too don’t want to be tired when Mom comes back tomorrow. Sweet dreams, young ones. I love you both.”
Anakin kissed each twin on the forehead one last time and left the room, closing the door behind him.
Back in the living room, Anakin allowed himself to drop his weight on the couch. The day had been exhausting, and he felt like his body was made of lead. It took every strength within him to move. The kids were asleep, and he had already turned Threepio and Artoo off and plugged them into their charging station. He was alone in that huge house. He was alone.
He was alone.
He was alone.
His ear started ringing. The tingle behind his head turned into a rhythmic thump that spread until the stump where his flesh arm ended and his mechanic connected. His lungs twitched. He reprimed all and called Obi-Wan.
It didn’t take long for his hologram to take form. His auburn hair was disheveled, dark circles underneath his eyes, and tiredness written all over him. The image of the man who was the closest father figure Anakin had ever known brought some sense of security to him.
“What do I owe the pleasure, Anakin? What did you do this time?” Anakin flinched at the harsh tone. It was deserved. Their last conversation was downhill from beginning to end, and it was mostly Anakin’s fault, yes, but it also wasn’t Obi-Wan’s best moment. Adding that to the fact that he probably woke Obi-Wan up, of course, he would be cranky.
Anakin took a deep breath, “I know you’re away doing Force knows what for the Order, but I said I would meditate with the twins tomorrow, and Leia asked you to join. I know you can’t, but I must pass on the message.”
“Suddenly you’re fond of meditation? It doesn’t surprise me that it took you leaving the Order to decide to give meditation a chance.” Obi-Wan scoffed, and the pit of guilt ever present in Anakin’s stomach began to bubble again.
For guilt to turn into anger wouldn’t take long. His impulsive trait was already sparking. “I don’t like meditation. It doesn’t work for me, and you know it. But Luke touched the Force, and meditation is the only way I can think of helping him right now!” The words came out in a growl. Anakin forced himself to calm down.
Obi-Wan perked up, apparently taking Anakin seriously for the first time. “Luke showed a connection with the Force? He is so young. What happened?” The concern in his voice hit Anakin right in the gut. Obi-Wan cared so much for the twins.
“He…” Anakin’s words caught in his throat. That was weird. He coughed and tried again. “Luke was playing with Leia and…” A choked sound left him.
“Anakin? Are you alright?” Obi-Wan asked, and Anakin tried taking a deep breath. His lungs didn’t agree.
“I’m fine.” His voice came out weak. “Luke and Leia were playing in the meadow and then…”
They weren’t there. They were gone.
Blaster bolts everywhere. He could hear the clankers far away. The Force wasn’t helping. There was nothing he could do.
There was nothing he could do.
The dam, so cautiously built inside him, shredded into tiny little pieces.
An overflowing flux of emotions began to drown him. It was too much. It wasn’t enough.
Anakin was aware that Obi-Wan was right in front of him, but that information flew past his erratic heartbeat. Obi-Wan may even have said something, but no words were coherent to him. Nothing made sense.
An ugly wet sound left him when he tried to breathe, but he didn’t manage more than a superficial sigh. Anakin buried his head in his shaking hands.
“They were gone.” The whisper squeezed through his closed throat. “I didn’t realize.” Anakin tried breathing again, but he got nothing but a wheezing sound. “I couldn’t… I wouldn’t… What if… I froze.”
The words refused to come out in a meaningful sentence. His skin was clammy and prickling. His face was wet. Anakin wasn’t feeling anything, not really, besides the storm inside him.
His mind was a void, nothing concrete but flashes. Everything that came disappeared. Everything but the panic when he didn’t see his children, but Leia’s shout and Luke’s tear-streaked face. Through the void, a presence prodded easily with his weakened mental shields. It was warm, familiar, and safe dome in that sandstorm.
The feelings of calm, serenity, and love broadcasted from that presence soothed Anakin enough for him to tentatively and shakily inhale. It ended with a cough, but it was more than before and encouraged him to try another, much more easily. It didn’t take long for his breath to even out or for him to recognize the presence as Obi-Wan, through their bond that never really faded.
His muscles were clenched and trembling. His face was wet, and his vision blurry. He was exhausted. But he was breathing. The Force pulsed through him with life.
“Oh, dear one.” Obi-Wan’s voice was soft and worried. Anakin raised his head and met his brother’s blue eyes, full of affection and care. “What happened?”
Anakin clutched to that affection more tightly than he thought he could. Obi-Wan was safe. Obi-Wan cared. The words begged to come out, and Anakin didn’t have the strength to fight against them.
He told Obi-Wan everything. His slight boredom. The twins missing. Leia’s shout. Luke’s connection. The overwhelmedness.
“I just stood there. I couldn’t… I couldn’t do anything. Leia practically dragged me to where Luke was because I was stuck. If something happened to them, Obi-Wan…”
“But it didn’t. They’re both fine, Anakin. You just tucked them in bed.”
“But if it did , I would have failed them.” Anakin’s voice cracked. “I froze, Obi-Wan. I didn’t even realize they had left. My children needed me, and I… I…” He choked. “It was like I was in the field again. There were blaster bolts everywhere. I knew they were there, but I… How- how can I be a good father when a simple shout from my children is enough for me to lose my ability to breathe?”
“You already are an amazing father, Anakin. You are there for the twins, you know what they need before they even say it. They worship you.” Obi-Wan reassured him. Anakin rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Don’t let these memories drag you away from them. Nothing happened.”
“This time, Obi-Wan. Nothing happened this time. But what about the next? What if they’re really in danger and I freeze in the field? I can’t risk it, Obi-Wan. They are my whole life, I can’t let anything bad happen to them.” Anakin took a deep breath, preparing for his next words. Obi-Wan didn’t say anything, and he was grateful for that. “Maybe you were right. Maybe I do need to look for a Mind Healer.”
“I’m glad. Seeing a Mind Healer won’t make you weaker, Anakin. It will only make you know yourself better.” Obi-Wan’s voice was kind and loving. Anakin felt like he was wrapped in a warm hug.
“I’m not saying that it will work.” Anakin made it clear. “I just… I can’t be powerless when they need me. Luke, Leia, and Padmé are everything to me. I can’t let anything bad happen to them if I can help it. And if visiting a Mind Healer might help me, I’ll try. I’ll do anything for them.”
And he would. Even if it meant healing himself first.