Chapter Text
Dan was sprawled out on his bedroom floor. Sweat beads have formed on his temples, though the cooling sensation of the floor isn’t the only reason he’s down here. One might assume he’s relishing his last moments at home before leaving for college, but that’s not quite it either. In fact, he’s ready for summer to be over. The nerves of starting college that had him hyperventilating at the start of break were gone, and were instead replaced with the anxious feeling of just wanting to leave already.
He sighed, lifting one of his arms up off the floor to push his curls out of his face with his hand. While he much preferred summer to winter, this heat was insane. The greenery and flowers in bloom were a sight to behold, but was it worth this torture? He wasn’t too sure about that.
Spring was more his style. Watching everything recover from the frost and snow never ceases to amaze him. Everything gets a new start. The old fades away and is replaced with the new. In a way, Dan takes inspiration from this, especially as the school year comes to a close and he can finally exist by himself.
He stared up at the ceiling fan spinning lazily above him. For a split second, he kind of wished it would just fall on him. Then at least he wouldn’t have to deal with the misery of waiting. There were less than two weeks left until he could leave, but it felt like an eternity. He wasn’t even sure why he was so ready to leave. It’s not like classes would start until another week after he moved into his dorm. His feelings perplexed him.
Not to say he understood his feelings most of the time. He most certainly did not, but this was an odd combination, one he couldn’t begin to pick apart without spiraling, he was sure. He sat up then, shooing his thoughts away before they got too loud. What could he do to help pass the time? Nap? On any other day, sure, but in this heat, he knew it would only make him more miserable. Play a game? No, any intense emotion would only raise his body temperature. Besides, he wasn’t in the mood. He hadn’t been for a while, but he refused to think about the implications of that.
His eyes settled on the small laptop sitting daintily on his desk. Sitting in a chair, scrolling aimlessly through some website? Now that he could do. He stood up slowly, remembering the last time he jumped up, he had immediately blacked out and toppled over onto his bed. Thankfully, he mumbled to the empty space of his room. He was thrilled he hadn’t whacked his head on the corner of his bedside table or just gone plummeting to the floor. He didn’t particularly believe in luck, but he couldn’t help but wonder what greater force might have been looking out for him that day.
He sat down, opening his laptop in one fluid motion. One he had perfected over the years. If there was some sort of competition for who could open a laptop quickly and gracefully, Dan was sure he could place in the top ten. His fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment. He hadn’t thought this far ahead. After a moment of contemplation, his fingers began typing. He wound up on his college’s homepage, figuring it might be good to go over his classes for the fall semester. He also wanted to review the campus' setup.
If there was one thing he was going to avoid this year, it was getting lost. Even if the people around him were friendly, he couldn’t deal with that internal embarrassment. He wanted to do his best to blend in amongst his peers. He didn’t need to be the odd one out. Not again. Besides, that was the whole point of going away to London. Most of the people from his high school were staying local; either attending a college in the Reading area or going right off to work. Dan was doing everything in his power to never see any of their faces again.
It’s not like he was even traveling hours and hours away. The train ride was only a bit less than two hours. He had done enough snooping this year and earlier this summer to be sure it was enough distance. This goal also served as an excuse to live in the city. With a general career path in mind, Dan knew he was more likely to find success in a more populated area. London was perfect for that.
Dan started humming a quiet tune to himself as he navigated over to the Bachelor of Music program. Half his courses this year were required, but the other half of his classes over the next two semesters would be ones he chose. Of course, he was looking forward to the required courses. Hell, he had looked through everything back when he was researching colleges, and none of the classes gave him a bad impression. He was looking forward to it all, but especially any courses involving music composition.
So naturally, when he saw Musical Performance being one of the optional classes he could take this year, he knew that it was going to be his favorite class. At least, he hoped it would. The teacher could turn out to be a real dick, he mused. He wanted to take the thought back immediately. Whether he had any real belief in some omnipotent, supernatural being didn’t matter. He wanted every possible force in the universe to be on his side. This was his chance to get away from home and learn about something he was truly passionate about.
He would also be able to learn about himself. He hadn’t been able to do that at home. Not properly. His parents had been against him pursuing music until he got a scholarship that covered a hefty amount of the tuition. That seemed to ease their minds that at least money wouldn’t be wasted if Dan suddenly decided he wasn’t interested in it anymore. Even if he hadn’t gotten that scholarship, Dan was pretty sure he would’ve done whatever he could to get into some sort of music program. If he had to take several years to work and save up so he didn’t have to take out sizable student loans, he would have done that in a heartbeat. Though he couldn’t put it eloquently into words, Dan felt a pull toward this program. He needed to do it.
Dan pushed against his desk, causing his chair to twirl around. Continuing to give it momentum, soon he was spinning quite quickly. He could have laughed, but he thought anyone who might hear him would think he was insane. While he wanted to get out of here, he wasn’t that desperate to go to some mental institute. Though that was maybe an exaggeration. His brain took great pride in its ability to spin the most unlikely situations.
A few days later, Dan found himself in bed staring aimlessly up at the ceiling again. It was more comfortable than the floor, but in this case, Dan wondered if he would feel better if he were actually on the floor. At least then he wouldn’t be stuck in bed. He mustered up the energy to roll over toward the window in his room. The bright light was pouring in, reminding Dan how he’d forgotten to close the blinds last night.
Despite his earlier thoughts about playing a game, he had found himself deep in it last night, only stopping when he couldn’t hold his eyes open anymore. He supposes the switch in wanting to play was due to the slightly cooler temperature when the sun wasn’t beaming into his room. It was more of a distraction, anyway. He hadn’t been tired, and he certainly wasn’t looking to ruminate in his brain until he fell asleep.
These current feelings of heaviness weren’t there last night, though. Depression is a funny thing. Sometimes there are triggers. Things that send your mind spiraling and give a reason for feeling like garbage. Other times, nothing happens to cause it. The mind simply forgets it’s supposed to be on your team. Neither are ideal, but having an answer as to why you’re feeling bad always seems to be better than having no way to explain it.
At least, that’s what Dan would prefer. As it is, his episodes come on suddenly. Sometimes, he gets a warning the day before that he’s falling into one. Most of the time, though, it blindsides him. It’s endlessly frustrating.
There was a chance his mind would snap out of it in a day, but there was also a chance this feeling would persist for the next week. He couldn’t have that. Not when the time was closing in on him being able to leave. If he wasn’t able to sleep through this episode, the time would only drag even slower than it had been.
Despite his protests, here he was. Invisible weight on his chest that he couldn’t get rid of, no matter how hard he tried lifting it up. He wanted to feel anything, be it excitement about moving into his dorm or being scared shitless of the prospect of being somewhere completely unfamiliar.
He would rather feel anything and everything than nothing at all. Unfortunately, even wanting to feel something seemed too far out of reach. He could see the thought in his brain, the want to experience some kind of feeling. He tried taking a step toward it, only for it to move farther away. This process repeated until Dan gave up entirely. His attempts at setting his brain straight were futile. Not that he was expecting anything different, but he could always hope one day that would all change.
After a lot of mental somersaults and pep talk, Dan managed to push his pillow up the headboard and sit up. Perhaps he didn’t have the greatest posture, sue him. Way back in his mind, he could hear the echoing words of his school counselor from last year: “It seems insignificant, but on the days when your brain turns against you, doing one simple task can make all the difference.” Dan had pointed out how hard it was to do anything in this state.
They had spent the rest of the appointment brainstorming the smallest actions that might help and ways to do them. That was the best part about high school for Dan. His school counselor. Though the reasons for Dan needing to see him were less than ideal. It had been helpful, nonetheless, knowing there was someone in his life who could help him when his brain was so loud.
Dan had found that psyching himself up and counting to three usually worked when it came to sitting up. Sometimes he could actually get out of bed and migrate to his desk. It didn’t seem like that was going to be a possibility today. He felt stupid for having such a hard time just angling his body differently, but he was less critical of himself than he used to be.
“Growth,” he grumbled dryly, pulling his duvet up so it covered his shoulders, draping over his front like a bib. He couldn’t say exactly how long he sat there staring at the bureau sitting against the wall across from his bed. If someone had told him it had been days since he moved, he would believe them.
Eventually, though, he grabbed his phone from his nightstand. Though boredom wasn’t exactly something he could feel on these days either, wanting to do something with his hands certainly was. He was just going to scroll through Twitter. The words would go through his eyes and get jumbled by the time they reached his brain. He didn’t mind, though. He wasn’t here to read, just to pass the time until he could go back to sleep.