Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jeongin is going home to meet his dad’s new boyfriend. 

He’s heard… A little bit about him. His dad doesn’t share very much, in general. He knows his name is Jisung. He knows they’ve been together for awhile. 

That’s about it. 

So he’s taking BART home to meet Jisung, who he knows nothing about but is apparently a very serious part of his dad’s life now. Serious enough for him to ask Jeongin to come home for the weekend and have dinner with him.

He doesn’t know what to expect. His dad has never dated (...at least… not that Jeongin knows of…) and he most certainly has never mentioned the type of person he would like to date in actuality. Men. That’s all the information Jeongin has. 

So he’s standing on the doorstep of his childhood home with no expectations. He’s not nervous, per say, but it does feel kind of weird. He’s curious to see who his dad ended up with. He’s curious to see what he’s like around him. The idea of his dad with a boyfriend is a little unfathomable. 

He adjusts his backpack on his shoulders and punches in their key code. He opens the door and slips off his shoes and yells, “Dad?”

“Kitchen,” his dad yells back. 

Jeongin walks into the kitchen, gripping his straps on his backpack. His dad didn’t mention whether or not Jisung would already be here when he arrived, he just knows they’re having dinner tonight. 

His dad is at their stove, it’s a familiar sight. He hasn’t been home in awhile and something warm settles over him, comforting and cozy. He loves his dad’s cooking, literally nothing will ever come close to being as good, he misses it all the time.

His dad looks over his shoulder. “How was your trip? Are you thirsty?” 

Jeongin turns his attention to the person standing next to him. Some guy, round-faced and lithe, smiling massively. Does Jisung have a son that his dad failed to mention? That’s awkward. Jeongin wasn’t really expecting to meet two new people tonight, especially not someone his age. That’s a different social skill set, but whatever. He can roll with the punches. 

“Good,” Jeongin says, tentatively setting his backpack on the floor. He isn’t sure what’s going on. “I’m okay, thank you.”

His dad hums. “This is Jisung.” He gestures vaguely at the child standing next to him. Jeongin’s eyes fly wide open. 

“It’s so nice to meet you!” Jisung (?!) beams. 

“What the fuck?” Jeongin blurts.

“Language,” his dad demands, without turning around. 

“What the fuck?” Jeongin ignores him. “You’re Jisung?” 

His dad does turn around this time to send him a scathing look. Jeongin shrinks in on himself a little and mutters an apology. 

Jisung nods. He’s shrinking in on himself a little too, stepping towards Minho. “I’m Jisung, yeah.” 

Jeongin cannot roll with this punch, absolutely not. He’s, like, Jeongin’s age. 

“How old are you?” 

“I’m twenty-five!” Jisung says. He’s cheery, but he’s hunched and keeps stepping closer to Minho — wait,  holy shit, is he seeking out Jeongin’s dad for comfort right now? What the fuck? 

Jeongin turns to his dad. “He’s twenty-five, Dad?” His voice goes up an octave, incredulous and panicked. 

Minho hums. 

“What the f—” Jeongin catches himself. “Why is your boyfriend a child?”  

“He’s not a child,” his dad responds. “He’s twenty-five.” 

“I, um.” Jisung laughs a little bit. “I know it’s kind of weird? We—” He gestures at himself and Jeongin’s dad. He means we as in himself, a twenty five year old, and his boyfriend, Jeongin’s dad. “It was kind of weird for us at first too, but.” Jisung looks up at — Jeongin cannot express this enough — his father with big, shiny eyes. Jeongin might throw up. “Things happen.” 

Jeongin blinks at him. He turns back to his dad. “What the fuck, Dad?” 

No preparation whatsoever? No hey, by the way, my boyfriend is basically a teenager? No you’re closer in age to the guy I’m dating than me, by a long shot? He didn’t tell Jeongin shit. 

Minho sucks air through his teeth and shakes his head, looking at Jeongin with searing disappointment, wordlessly scolding him in a way that is actually much scarier than verbally scolding him. His dad actually has no right to be scolding him right now, he’s literally dating a child, Jeongin should be scolding him. 

He doesn’t. Obviously. He shrinks in on himself further. He mutters another apology. He’d like to stay alive.

“What—” Jeongin sighs helplessly. “How did you even—” He makes a pained sound. “Bye.” He picks up his backpack and stomps up the stairs. He throws open the door to his childhood bedroom, tosses his backpack on the floor, and collapses face down on his bed. 

Jeongin doesn’t know how close he would consider himself to be with his dad. He’s kind of emotionally stunted. They don’t have much in common. There’s not a lot for them to talk about.

But it’s always been just the two of them, his other dad died when he was an infant and he has no memory of him whatsoever. He he doesn't know anything about him. His dad never talks about him — because they don’t talk about anything. They’re not that close. 

He kind of thought they were closer than this, though?

His dad didn’t prepare him at all. No warning, no slight mention, no details whatsoever. Jeongin said he had no expectations for his dad’s new boyfriend, but he lied. He expected him to be age appropriate. He didn’t really take his father as someone who would date a guy half his age, but he supposes this simply confirms that they’re just… Not that close.

But they talk every week. Multiple times a week, usually, Jeongin calls him all the time. Now that they live apart he has more to update him on and that gives them more to talk about. He likes updating his dad on his life, even if he never really has that much to say in return, just humming and asking questions about Jeongin.

Jeongin comes home a lot, he misses his dad’s food — and, honestly, his dad. He’ll send him back to school with, like, fifteen containers to eat and freeze and share with his friends. They drink coffee in the morning together and they go on walks together and to the gym together and they watch TV together and eat dinner every night together. Jeongin comes home when he’s sick because his dad will take work off and make him baesuk and juk. They’re not not close. They’re kind of close. 

At least, he thought they were? 

This is weird. This is really, really weird. Maybe it’s a midlife crisis? Except instead of getting a sports car, he got himself a twink in his twenties. Ugh, his dad is dating a twink in his twenties! Jeongin wants to die. 

He supposes there’s nothing he can really do about it now. 

He peels himself off his bed. Stomping upstairs in a fit of rage was kind of dramatic, a little immature. Jisung seems nice, although he is a child. Jeongin will behave. Or he’ll try to. 

When he comes back downstairs, his dad and Jisung are standing face to face in the kitchen, way too close together for Jeongin’s comfort. Jisung is whispering very animatedly, it looks like he’s scolding Jeongin’s dad, who’s just standing there and taking it — what the fuck? What the fuck. This child is scolding his dad and he’s just standing there and saying nothing. 

Worse than saying nothing: he leans in and kisses the child on the forehead. 

Jeongin stomps back into the kitchen. Jisung looks up, startled, his mouth forming a little o. He looks so fucking young, what?

His dad steps back from his teenaged boyfriend. He at least has the decency to do that. He turns to Jeongin. 

“I should’ve warned you,” he says. Jeongin makes a face. His father admitting fault? What?

“We’re sorry,” Jisung adds. Again with the we. What does he mean, we? That’s Jeongin’s dad. Jisung is literally just some kid. 

His dad doesn’t look sorry. Even if he is, he's letting his twenty year old twink boyfriend apologize for him. If he was sorry, he could just throw Jeongin a sorry. But noo, of course not. Jeongin’s not going to get an apology from his father, when does he ever? They don’t talk. At least, not about anything that matters. 

“I made cheese buldak,” Minho says. 

An attempt to butter Jeongin up so he would take well to his child bride, nice try. No way. Not a chance. 

But he will enjoy the cheese buldak. 

They’re sitting at the dinner table in silence. Not abnormal for Minho and Jeongin, they’re usually both locked in on their food, it’s mutually understood that the silence is welcome. 

Not tonight, though. Tonight he needs to ignore his fathers fidgety twink teenage boyfriend sitting diagonally from him at their dining table. He keeps bouncing his leg and tapping his fingers and adjusting in his seat — Jeongin just wants him to leave. He never realized how much he cherished eating dinner in silence with his dad. 

“Um.” Jisung breaks the silence and looks at Jeongin, who needs to withhold a groan. “Where do you go to school?”

Cool, so his dad just, like, doesn’t talk about him at all? Not even mentioning where he goes to school? Cool. 

“Berkeley.”

Jisung breaks into a grin. “I went there too!” 

Jeongin makes a face. A lot of people go there. But he hates that there is any overlap whatsoever between him and his father’s boyfriend who is basically his age. 

“What year are you?” Jisung asks, when Jeongin just goes back to eating his food with no response. Jisung doesn’t even know how old Jeongin is? His dad literally does not talk about him at all. Why is Jeongin even here?

“Second.”

“Nice!” Jisung says, way too excited for information that boring. “I graduated last year.”

Jeongin’s face twists in disgust, his head tilts to the side as he ughs. He looks at his dad. 

“Last year, Dad?” He asks, incredulous. “Really?” 

“I took a gap year!” Jisung offers, like that makes it any better. “And I took five years to graduate.”

Jeongin shakes his head and drops his gaze into his food. 

“How are your friends?” Minho changes the subject. 

“Hyunjin has a new boyfriend,” Jeongin grumbles. “I haven’t seen him in, like, a month.” An exaggeration, a massive over-exaggeration. They live together, and Hyunjin loves Jeongin too much to do that to him. But he has been seeing him less. “I’ve been hanging out with Seungmin more.”

Jisung perks up. “Wait. Hyunjin Hwang?” 

“Um.” Jeongin stares at him. “Yeah…?” 

Jeongin sits up even straighter. He points at himself. “I’m friends with him too!” 

Jeongin wants to die.  

“Changbin is my best friend!” Jisung seems excited about this, Jeongin wants to die . “I also haven’t seen him in weeks!” 

Jeongin’s forehead hits the table with a bang. They have mutual friends.

“You must know Felix then, right?” Jisung asks, not catching the vibe at all. Jeongin needs him to shut up. 

“Felix Lee?” Jeongin asks the table, even though he thinks he already knows the answer. 

“Yeah!” Jisung answers. “His boyfriend is my other best friend!”

Jeongin painfully lifts his head off the table to look at him, staying all the way hunched over. “You know Chris too?”

Jisung’s eyebrows fly up. “You know Chris?” 

“Yeah, he used to buy us alc—” Jeongin side-eyes his dad. He starts over. “Yeah, I know him.” 

His dad very kindly chooses to ignore that. It’s honestly the least he can do for putting Jeongin in this situation.

Everyone made fun of Felix for having an old boyfriend. And Chris is like, thirty, or something. He cannot imagine the shit that Jisung must be getting from his — wait, well. Their friends. They’re Jeongin’s friends too. He wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole. 

“That’s so funny,” Jisung laughs. “It’s weird we’ve never met?” 

Yeah, that’s what’s weird, not that they are now meeting in the context of Jisung being his dad’s boyfriend. That’s not weird at all. 

Jeongin slumps back in seat and gestures at them. “How did you guys even meet?”

Jisung looks at Minho shiftily. They make brief eye contact. Minho breaks it. 

“Out,” Minho answers, reaching for more food, avoiding eye contact. 

“Out?” Jeongin repeats. “Out where? You don’t go out.” 

His dad shrugs. Jeongin squints.

“Oh my god.” He realizes. His posture goes straight. “I know where you guys met, oh my god.” 

His dad stares at him. “No you don’t.”

“Yes I do,” Jeongin insists. “I literally do.”

“No.”

“Where did you guys meet, then?” 

“Out.”

He doesn’t even have the decency to come up with a lie. 

“You’re dating a child you met on Grindr,” Jeongin deadpans. 

“Um, I’m definitely an adult,” Jisung chimes in. 

Jeongin jerks to look at his dad. “So you did meet him on Grindr!” 

“It doesn’t matter how we met,” Minho dismisses him. 

“I have a job,” Jisung blurts. 

Jeongin stares at him for a second, eyes squinted. He looks at his dad for some sort of explanation, he offers none. He glances back at Jisung. “Okay?” 

“I just—” Jisung coughs. “Like, I’m an adult.” 

Jeongin turns back to Minho, exasperated. “Dad.” 

“He is an adult, Jeongin.” 

“Barely!” Jeongin whines. “How is this not weird for you?”

“It is weird,” Minho agrees. “I know it’s weird.”

“Then why are you—” He cuts himself off. He gestures at Jisung wildly. “How is this not weird for you?” He flails at Minho. “He could be your dad!” 

Jisung opens his mouth to respond. 

“Can this be over now?” Jeongin interrupts before Jisung can even start, he actually doesn’t care. He’s pretty sure he’s never behaved like this in front of his father in his life without getting verbally obliterated. He must be feeling sympathetic. 

“If you want,” his dad responds. Definitely feeling sympathetic. 

He washes his bowls and plate and chopsticks and spoon and puts them away. He tries not to slam cabinets, he’s very much testing the breadth of his dad’s sympathy and he probably shouldn’t take it any further. He — quietly, no stomping — starts making his way up the stairs. 

But at the same time: 

Jisung exhales massively. “Minho.”

His dad hums. 

“You should’ve told him,” Jisung says. “Why didn’t you tell him?” 

“I should’ve,” Minho agrees. What the fuck? Okay, admitting fault. Again. So he is capable of that on a regular basis. “I’m sorry.” 

Jeongin feels rage rise from the depths of his being. Jisung gets a sorry? Jeongin can’t even remember the last time he heard those words come out of his father’s mouth. Jeongin’s the one who came home to his father’s surprise, basically adolescent boyfriend, he doesn’t get a sorry? 

“It’s okay,” Jisung sighs. “I just— I don’t want—”

“Hey,” Minho cuts him off. There’s a beat of silence. “It’s gonna be fine. You don’t have to worry about it.” 

It? Does he mean Jeongin? 

“I am worried,” Jisung responds, high-pitched and stressed. 

His dad sighs. Another beat of silence. “I’m sorry, baby.” 

Jeongin wants to punch a wall. Two apologies? Baby? Who even is this guy? Not his dad.

“I just don’t want to upset him,” Jisung responds. 

Way too fucking late for that. 

“He’ll come around.”

Absolutely not. 

“But…” Jisung struggles. “I want him to like me.” He says it quietly, almost petulant. Holy shit, his dad is dating a child. 

“He will like you,” his dad baselessly asserts. No, Jeongin does not think that will be happening. His dad laughs a little. “You guys have all the same friends, so.”

“That is kind of weird, baby.”

Jeongin has to stop himself from audibly retching. At least Jisung’s aware of that, though. 

“It’s really weird,” Minho agrees. “But.”

“It doesn’t matter to me,” Jisung says. “You know it doesn’t matter to me. But it obviously matters to him.”

“Sweetheart, I promise it’s gonna be okay.”

Jeongin has never heard those words said like that in his life. When Jeongin has something going on his dad says you will be okay, an assertion. A demand. He’s talking to Jisung like he’s a cat, or something. A child! He’s talking to Jisung like he’s a child! He didn’t even talk to Jeongin like that when he was a child! He was straight forward and no nonsense, his dad is a fun and funny and deeply strange person but also severe when things get serious. Jeongin can count on one hand times that he’s been on the receiving end of softness like this from his father. To be fair, it would probably make Jeongin super uncomfortable, but it’s still weird that Jisung gets it.

“Okay.” Jisung exhales a long breath. “Yeah, okay.”

Mouth sounds, a lot of mouth sounds. Jeongin actually gags. Why is his dad sloppy style making out with his newborn boyfriend at their dinner table? He scampers up the stairs faster than he ever has in his life. 

Jisung leaves shortly thereafter. Jeongin emerges from his bedroom only after he hears a car pulling out of the driveway.

“Dad?” Jeongin yells. No response. He goes to look in the kitchen. Not there. He pokes into the living room. Not there. Laundry room, bathroom, other bathroom. Not there. He goes upstairs to see if he’s in his room. 

Jeongin knocks on the closed door and cracks it open when he gets no response. 

Both sides of the bed are slept on. There is a glasses case on the bedside table, his dad doesn’t wear glasses. Against his better judgment, he ventures into his dad’s bathroom. Two toothbrushes. Two sets of skincare on either side of the counter. 

Does Jisung live here? 

Jeongin can’t help it, he opens his dad’s closet. Clear separation, two sets of clothes for two people. He fucking lives here. His dad’s child boyfriend lives in Jeongin’s house.

He looks down. There’s a box. He looks closer. It’s literally full of ropes and vibrators.

Jeongin yelps out loud. He bolts downstairs, traumatized, he can’t be anywhere near that bedroom, whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck. What the fuck? What the fuck. Jeongin presses his palms into his eyes so hard that there are sparkles in his vision. Jeongin needs a lobotomy. He’s gonna start doing drugs, he’s going to kill every brain cell he has. He’s going to pour bleach directly into eyeballs. 

He collapses on the couch facedown, kicks his feet and flails his arms, and then screams into the cushions. He’s going to google how to do a DIY lobotomy, for real. He’s going to google life hacks on how to make himself brain dead. He would rather never think a thought or experience an emotion again than deal with this. He’s going to dabble in ketamine, it’ll be all his dad’s fault when his life falls apart. 

He sits up and takes a deep breath. He centers himself. Okay, so his dad is having kinky sex with a twenty five year old mutual friend of Jeongin’s, okay. Okay. He exhales, expelling that information from his body and mind forever, he actually knows nothing about that. That never happened, Jeongin didn’t see anything, he knows nothing. 

He turns on the TV. His dad will only pay for one subscription service at once even though he literally makes six figures at his fancy tech job. Jeongin flicks through to see which one it is right now.

He throws on something he’s not going to pay attention to because he actually needs to dissociate from reality for the next two to three business days. He’s suddenly glad his dad absolutely ditched him without warning for his twenty year old twink because he does not want to see him right now. 

He feels a twinge in his chest. He wishes his dad didn’t ditch him. He wishes he didn’t have a twenty year old twink to ditch him with. He wishes they got to eat dinner together and then sit together on the couch giggling over whatever anime his dad is watching right now. That’s what they usually do; that's what Jeongin was looking forward to this weekend. 

But noo, Jeongin had to eat dinner with a mutual friend who is also his dad’s child bride and then his dad fucking left him here without even saying anything. Jeongin checks his phone. Not even a text. It’s not like Jeongin hasn’t been home in forever, or anything. Twink boyfriend takes priority, sure.

He hears a car in the driveway. If Jisung walks back through his door he’s going to lose his shit. He probably is, he obviously lives here, but Jeongin is stubborn and he doesn’t want to go back upstairs near the scene of the crime and this is his house, even if Jisung lives here this is still Jeongin’s house, he’s lived here his whole life. So he stays firmly planted on the couch. 

He hears the front door open. Only one pair of footsteps, Jeongin releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. 

Wait, does his dad drive Jisung around? Holy shit. He couldn’t drive himself home? Wait, if Jisung lives here, where did he go tonight? Maybe he doesn’t live here. Maybe they’re just two toothbrushes, shared closet serious. At least they’re not living together serious. If his dad moved his newborn boyfriend into their house without even warning Jeongin, he would go ballistic. 

He hears his dad go upstairs, then come back downstairs immediately. He hears footsteps approach the living room, he braces himself. Silence for a moment. Then, footsteps retreating. 

Cool. So no acknowledgement, then. That’s cool. Not even a hey, I’m home, I ditched you, but I’m back now. That’s fine. Whatever. Jeongin brings his knees up to his chest, wrapping around himself, shrinking as much as possible. 

His dad comes back into the living room and wordlessly sets a bowl in front of him. 

Jeongin stares at him for a second. He’s silent, straight faced. Jeongin leans over to look in the bowl. It’s mint chocolate chip ice cream. 

“Thanks…?” Jeongin says, tentatively. 

His dad takes that as an invitation to sit down next to him. Jeongin picks up the ice cream and takes a bite. They sit in silence, the show playing as ambient background noise, while he eats it. 

He finishes and sets the bowl on the table.

“You were extremely disrespectful, Jeongin,” his dad says, pretty much immediately. Jeongin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Ice cream as a preface to a scolding, then.

“You introduced me to your child boyfriend with no warning whatsoever.”

“He’s not a child.”

Jeongin abruptly twists his body to face him, crossing his legs. “He’s, like, twenty years younger than you!”

His dad does the same. He leans against the arm of the couch, sticking his legs out in front of him. “He’s only nineteen years younger than me.” 

Jeongin throws his hands up, eyes wide. Is that supposed to make it better? “Only?” 

“I think you’ll like him,” he responds, not acknowledging that any further. “You guys have things in common.” 

“What?” Jeongin is in disbelief. He cannot believe this. “Like, our age?” He shrills. “Or maybe that we have all the same friends, because he’s a child?”

“He’s not a child. Stop saying he’s a child.”

Jeongin makes a pained sound. “So I— I just, like, am gonna hang out with your fucking boyfriend at parties and shit?”

“Do not swear at me, Jeongin.”

“That’s so not the important part!” Jeongin yells. 

His dad sucks air through his teeth. 

“Sorry,” Jeongin apologizes on instinct, lowering his voice. “Sorry, I’m sorry. But this is weird as f— this is weird.” 

“I know it’s weird,” he agrees. “I also think it’s kind of weird, but this is what happened, and I’m in love with h—”

Jeongin gags. 

“Don’t do that,” his dad demands. 

“You’re in love with him?” Jeongin repeats. He never thought he would hear those words come out of his father’s mouth, especially not so easily. Who is this guy? Not his dad, definitely not his dad. 

“I wouldn’t introduce you to him if I wasn’t in love with him.”

Jeongin shrugs weakly. “Why did you even introduce him to me, dad?” 

“Because I love him,” he answers, like it’s obvious. “And I wanted you to meet him.”

Jeongin closes his eyes. He loves him. He loves his teen twink boyfriend.

He wonders if his dad would ever say I love him about Jeongin to someone else. He probably wouldn’t. He definitely wouldn’t. That’s just not something they say.

Well, apparently his dad says it about Jisung. 

“I know it’s weird,” his dad repeats in Jeongin’s silence. “And I know it’s a lot to get used to.” 

An understatement. 

“But I’d really appreciate it if you did. Get used to it,” he clarifies. 

Jeongin rubs his hand over his eyes. 

“He makes me really happy, Jeongin.”

Jeongin’s face twists up. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard his dad express an emotion so clearly in his life. He smiles or hums or nods or sucks his teeth or clicks his tongue or exhales shortly out of his nose. He never says shit like I’m really happy. 

“Fine,” Jeongin says. “Whatever. You have my blessing, or whatever. But I hate this.” 

“It doesn’t sound like I have your blessing.”

“What do you want me to say, dad?” Jeongin asks, eyes wide. “Yes, I’m so comfortable that you’re dating a guy half your age who has the same friend group as me, that’s totally fine and not weird at all.”

“I know it’s weird,” he repeats, again, like saying he knows it’s weird makes it any less weird. “I’m asking you to keep an open mind about it.” 

“I just —“ Jeongin exhales a helpless sigh. “I just don’t—" He closes his eyes briefly. “Yeah, whatever. Sure. I’ll keep an open mind,” he lies. He takes a deep breath. 

Jeongin opens his eyes. His dad reaches behind himself and produces a little stuffed animal. He presents it to Jeongin with two hands. 

Jeongin squints. “What is this?” 

“A friend.”

“What—” His dad is so fucking weird, and always gives him random shit, and dates twenty five year olds. “Why?”

“He looks like you.” 

“Okay?” Jeongin takes it in his hand. It’s a little fox. It does kind of look like him. “Thanks, I guess.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

They stare at each other. 

Jeongin drums his finger on his knee. “So is that it, or…?”

“What do you want for dinner tomorrow?” His dad asks, like they didn’t just have a life-alteringly horrific evening and conversation. 

“I don’t care,” Jeongin answers. He wants to be alone now. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah.” He turns to face the TV again. “Anything’s fine.” 

“What do you want me to make you to take back?” 

“You don’t have to make anything.” 

His dad clicks his tongue. Jeongin knows he’s going to make him stuff either way, but he’s mad at him right now and doesn’t want to ask for anything. He waits for another moment, like he’s waiting for Jeongin to say something else. Jeongin doesn’t have anything else to say. 

His dad gets up and walks away. 

He doesn’t have to see or hear about Jisung at all for the rest of the weekend, he thinks that’s strategic and he does appreciate the gesture. He also has too many bags of food to physically carry on BART, way more than usual, so his dad drives him back to Berkeley.  

It’s a quiet ride, some playlist that Jeongin has never heard playing quietly. He had no idea his dad even listened to rap. 

They park on the street outside of Jeongin’s building. 

His dad looks over at him. “I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah.” Jeongin nods. “Thanks for the food.” 

His dad nods back. 

“And for driving me,” Jeongin adds. 

He nods again. They sit in silence. 

“Okay.” Jeongin opens the car door. “Bye.”

He shuts the door behind him and starts towards his building. 

He wants to take back when he said he and his dad weren’t that close. 

They are close. He thinks they might be really close, because now that he’s pissed at him and there’s tension he feels weird and uncomfortable and wrong, there’s a distance he’s never really felt before. 

They never fight, there has never been this much tension between them ever. They know how to coexist peacefully — it’s always been just the two of them, they had to. There have been hiccups, of course, especially when Jeongin was an angsty teen, but they sort things out quickly. They’re both very straight-forward, it’s hard to stay in conflict for too long. 

He loves his dad. He loves that he’s odd and hard to understand and sometimes unpredictable. He loves when they make stupid faces at each other for no reason or when they pick up inside jokes that aren’t funny and don’t make sense and he loves eating together in silence. 

And he knows his dad loves him too. 

He isn’t, like, nurturing. But he took care of Jeongin well. Jeongin was an extremely clumsy kid — he honestly still is — and his dad would always rub jaungo on his scrapes and cuts and tell him his body is strong so he’ll heal quickly. He encouraged him to rest when he was studying too much and brought him snacks and coffee when he refused. Jeongin started dieting in high school — his dad clicked his tongue and shut that down expeditiously. When he noticed he was losing weight he scolded him and asked if he was ungrateful for all of his hard work slaving away in the kitchen and then, softer, more sincerely, added that he was perfectly fine the way he was. One of the few times his dad showed him softness.

But he always took care of him well, he really did. He still does. All the time. 

To this day he’ll say let’s go on a date and they get hotpot and boba or go to some dessert cafe. They still go to the gym together every time Jeongin is home, they always drink their morning coffee together, they go on walks together, Jeongin will even call him when he goes on walks alone in Berkeley sometimes. Because he misses him. 

So they are close. Jeongin was wrong when he said they weren’t close. They are.

He just didn’t realize how close until there was a twink sized wedge driving them apart.

Jeongin struggles to carry all of his bags up the stairs. He needs to set a bunch of stuff on the ground to pull out his keys and open the door, and then he has to shove it shut with his foot. 

“Baby!” Hyunjin yells immediately. He can see Changbin’s head over the edge of the couch. He walks to stand in front of them, setting all of his bags on the coffee table. 

“Hey, Jeongin,” Changbin says. Jeongin lifts his hand in a half-assed wave. 

“Baby,” Hyunjin repeats. He’s draped over Changbin, between his legs, resting his head on his chest and playing with the hand that’s thrown over his shoulder. “How was your trip?”

“Fine,” Jeongin lies.

Sometimes it kind of feels like Hyunjin is his dad. Is that weird? He’d never say it out loud. Hyunjin kind of treats him how he imagines a more affectionate parent would treat their child. He’ll wrap him up in hugs and coo and kiss at him and pinch his cheeks and pat his head and call him baby. He’s also always talking about how attractive he is and how hot his body is, so that’s not super dad-like. But still. 

The affection always feels weird and uncomfortable but he’s gotten good at brushing it off. He, like, maybe even kind of likes it a little. But he’d never say that out loud either. 

“How was the boyfriend?” Hyunjin asks.

Jeongin looks at Changbin. “Your friend Jisung?”

Changbin’s eyebrows furrow. “What about him?” 

“My dad’s boyfriend.” 

Changbin’s eyes fly wide open. "Your dad is Jisung’s DILF?” 

“Do not say that to me,” Jeongin snaps. “Never say that to me again.”

“Oh.” Hyunjin looks around the room. “That’s… A little crazy.” He thinks about it. “Your dad is dating a twenty five year old?”

“Yes!” Jeongin yells. “Super fucking weird, right?” 

“A little weird.” Hyunjin nods. “But also, Jisung’s, like, really into him, so—”

“Shut up!” Jeongin screeches. He pauses. “Wait, you know Jisung too?” 

“Yeah,” Hyunjin says, like that’s obvious. So everyone knows Jisung but him? 

Changbin tilts his head, examining Jeongin’s face. “You and your dad look nothing alike.”

“Because I’m adopted, dumbass,” Jeongin spits. 

“Ohh,” Changbin says. “Yeah, that makes sense.” 

Jeongin needs to take a deep breath. 

“Bro.” Changbin laughs a little. “I’ve heard some crazy things about your dad.” 

Jeongin presses his hands over his ears. “Shutupshutupshutupshutup.”  

Changbin whispers in Hyunjin’s hair. “His dad is a freak.”

Jeongin starts screaming. Like, actually top of his lungs screaming. He can feel ringing in his ears.

“Woah.” Changbin jumps. “Sorry, sorry, I thought I was—”

“You’re never quiet, baby,” Hyunjin interrupts. Jeongin can confirm that he's never quiet, he’s loud in every context. Jeongin stops screaming to shudder.

Hyunjin holds out his arms. “Innie, c’mere.” 

Jeongin sits on the opposite side of the couch. Hyunjin sits up and scoots over to sit right next to him.

“Why doesn’t he date someone his own age?” Jeongin whines. He knows he sounds like a child, he can’t help it. “Why does he have to date a teenage twink?” 

Hyunjin leans his head on Jeongin’s shoulder and rubs his knee. “I’m sorry your dad is dating a teenage twink.”

“Jisung’s not really a twink? And he’s twenty five,” Changbin says. Jeongin glares at him so severely that he puts his hands up in surrender. 

“I didn’t know Mr. Lee was the DILF boyfriend, I would’ve told you,” Hyunjin offers. 

“Stop calling him a DILF!” Jeongin shrieks. “That’s my dad!” 

“D’you think all your friends are gay ‘cause your dad is gay?” Changbin suddenly asks. “Like, you grew up in the culture.” 

Jeongin stares Changbin dead in the eye while he says, “Hyunjin, I’m about to deck your boyfriend.”

“No you’re not.” Hyunjin wraps around Jeongin’s shoulder and rubs his arm soothingly. He glances at Changbin. “Honey, shut up.”

Changbin snaps his mouth shut. Jeongin can hear his teeth clack. 

Hyunjin smiles. He loves that he has Changbin wrapped around his finger, too much, it’s kind of disgusting to see. He leans over to kiss Changbin, with tongue, Jeongin can see and hear it. Hyunjin still has a hand on Jeongin’s knee, ugh. 

He squirms away and gets up to put all of his food in the kitchen. Hyunjin shifts into Changbin’s lap. 

Hyunjin barges into Jeongin's bedroom, no knock. 

“Come get coffee with me,” he demands. 

Jeongin doesn’t look up from the textbook open on his iPad. “No.”

“There’s a new place,” Hyunjin explains. “Felix and Chris went. They said it’s really good. Come with me.”

“No. I’m studying. We can go tomorrow.” 

“But I might not want to go tomorrow,” Hyunjin argues. “I wanna go right now.” 

“Ask your boyfriend.”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “They said it’s cute, I want you to take pictures of me.”

“Ask Changbin,” Jeongin repeats. 

“No,” Hyunjin whines. “I love him, he’s awful at taking pictures of me.” He rolls his eyes. “He’ll be, like, look how cute you are, sweetheart! and show me the worst photo of myself I’ve ever seen in my life. I need you.”

Jeongin looks up at him. “You love him?” 

Do people just throw around love all the time, now? What is this?

“Yes,” Hyunjin answers. 

Jeongin squints his eyes. “You’ve been dating for, like, a month.” 

“But talking for much longer, and I’m in love with him,” Hyunjin asserts. “Don’t tell him, though. I want him to say it first.”

Jeongin rolls his eyes. “Ask him to get coffee with you, if you’re so in love with him.”

“He’s at the gym.”

Jeongin throws his hands up. “So you can bother me when I’m busy but not him?” He goes back to his textbook. “Just ask him to go, he’ll leave the gym for you.” 

“Jeongin,” Hyunjin goes solemn, grave. “I cannot express to you how much I love his body.” 

“Ugh!” 

“I’m letting him work out,” Hyunjin says, definitively, Jeongin is not changing his mind. “I benefit from it greatly. I have never been more attrac—”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Jeongin clicks off his iPad and stands up. “I’ll come with you if you promise to shut up about Changbin’s body.” 

“For now!” Hyunjin sings. He slings his arm over Jeongin’s shoulder to drag him towards the door. 

First thought when he walks in the coffee shop: wow, this is cute. 

Second thought: is that my dad? 

It is. It is his dad. Sitting on the bench lining the back wall of the cafe, with none other than his teenage twink boyfriend. Like, they’re sitting next to each other, in the booth together, even though there is a perfectly good chair across the table. 

And his dad is giggling. 

Jeongin sees his dad giggle. His dad is fun, they have fun together. But right now he’s giggling, giggling. Like, teenage girl with a crush giggling. Fitting, since his boyfriend is a teenager. They’re leaning into each other, their foreheads are almost touching, Jeongin doesn’t know if he wants to turn around and leave or approach and push them apart. 

His dad leans in and whispers something in Jisung’s ear. Jisung bursts into giggles, flushes all the way red, and smacks his arm. 

Jeongin stomps towards them. 

“What—” Hyunjin starts. He follows Jeongin's line of sight to his dad and Jisung. “Oh. Oh my god.” He trails closely behind Jeongin. 

Jeongin stops in front of their table. “What are you doing here?”

His dad is so distracted that he glances up at Jeongin briefly and turns back to staring at Jisung. He does a double take, jumps a little, and scoots a couple inches to the left. Good, so he knows he’s partaking in public indecency. 

“Hi,” his dad says, simply. He leans to look behind Jeongin’s shoulder. “Hi, Hyunjin.”

“Hi, Mr. Lee.” Hyunjin does an awkward little wave. "Nice to see you. Thank you for the food." 

Jeongin’s dad smiles a little. “I keep telling you you can call me Minho,” 

“Um…” Hyunjin looks around. “Yeah.”

“What are you doing here?” Jeongin repeats. 

“Having coffee,” he answers. 

“No, what—” Jeongin takes all the mental fortitude he has to contain the eye-roll. “What are you doing in Berkeley?” 

“Meeting Jisung’s friend.”

Jeongin makes a face. He’s meeting Jisung’s friends? His also twenty five year old friends? Jeongin’s peers?

“And you didn’t tell me you were here?”

“I was going to.”

“Were you?” 

“Yes.” 

Jeongin crumbles, he rolls his eyes. His dad sucks his teeth. He stops rolling his eyes and stands up straighter. 

“We’re going to Mexico,” Jisung blurts. “You should come.” 

Jeongin’s face scrunches up. They’re going on a trip to Mexico? Wait, Jisung is inviting him on their trip to Mexico? He’s fucking crazy for suggesting that, Jeongin is one hundred percent certain that opinion shows on his face. He looks at his dad, he thinks the same, it’s also showing on his face. 

“Wow, you guys do kind of look alike, actually!” Hyunjin says. Now Jeongin is glaring at him.

“It’ll be fun!” Jisung says. “It’ll— we can get to know each other.” He’s smiling, but his leg is also bouncing so hard he’s shaking the whole table. His leg is always bouncing, it’s annoying. “Right, hon— Minho?”

At least he has some decency, he’s keeping the pet names away from Jeongin.

“Uhh.” His dad looks at Jisung, then Jeongin, then back at Jisung. Jeongin doesn’t want to go on his father’s couples vacation to Mexico, but the fact that his father doesn’t want him to go either pisses him off.

“Yeah, it could be fun,” Minho finishes. Jeongin has to hold in a scoff. It could be fun? Bringing his son on his rendezvous with his twenty five year old boyfriend could be fun?

His dad’s hand is sitting on the table. Jisung reaches and grabs his father’s hand — even worse, his father grabs back, flipping his palm up and squeezing.

“No,” Jeongin says. What the fuck? He doesn’t want to do that. Going on a couple’s vacation with his father and his father’s child bride? Having to witness shit like this all the time? No, no thank you. He’d rather eat glass. 

His dad and Jisung exchange a series of looks. Jeongin doesn’t know what they are; he suddenly feels very uncomfortable. And left out. That’s his dad, why is he sitting in front of him with a twenty five year old conversing with expressions like they’ve known each other for their entire lives? Jeongin’s known him for his entire life, not Jisung. Jisung met him on Grindr, like, a couple months ago. What the fuck. 

His dad turns to him. “You should come,” he insists. “It’ll be fun.” 

“That doesn’t sound fun,” Jeongin plainly states. 

“It will be fun!” Jisung repeats, again.

His dad stares at him very sincerely. “I would love for you to come, Jeongin. Really.”

So he’s at the airport, going to Mexico with his father and his father’s child bride. 

His dad booked first class tickets. Which is crazy, because when Jeongin was a kid he refused to buy him new socks unless there were holes in the ones he already had and scolded him if he threw away a plastic take-out container. Then made him dig it out of the trash, wash it, and put it away. 

He’s literally always been rich — well. As long as Jeongin’s been alive, he’s been rich. He just never wanted to spend that money on Jeongin, he supposes. But sure. They’re going on vacation with Jisung, first class international plane tickets, sure. Fine. Jeongin also gets to sit in first class. So at least he’s benefitting from it. Whatever. Whatever. 

Jisung is obviously scared of flying. He’s all trembly and weird. The three of them don’t talk that much. That’s completely fine by Jeongin. 

But then they’re boarding the plane — first, because they’re in first class, what the fuck — and Jeongin is irritated. Because as soon as they’re separated, his dad and Jisung are chatting non-stop. Jeongin is sitting in the aisle across from them, but he can’t hear a word they’re saying. He doesn’t even really want to, but it’s annoying that they just, like. Didn’t want to talk in front of Jeongin. 

He would’ve been pissed if they were chatting in front of him too. He’s just pissed. 

When they take off Jisung’s eyes are squeezed shut. His leg is bouncing so hard it borders on thrashing. 

But then Jeongin’s dad is setting his hand on Jisung’s knee, running his hand up his thigh, and rubbing circles into his skin. The bouncing subsides. Jisung cracks his eyes open. Minho says something while pinching his chin, and suddenly Jisung is giggling. Minho grabs his hand, threads their fingers together, and starts kissing Jisung’s knuckles. 

Jeongin is pissed. 

When they arrive at the resort, Jeongin discovers his dad booked a second hotel room for Jeongin. Thank god. Then Jeongin realizes he probably booked Jeongin his own hotel room so he can suck and fuck his twenty five year old twink boyfriend, and the relief is gone. There’s no winning. Everything is bad. 

Jeongin’s one solace, his little piece of peace: he is of legal drinking age in Mexico. 

So as he’s sitting at dinner in some beachfront restaurant, he is absolutely guzzling. That is the only way he’s going to tolerate this, sorry. Because it’s ridiculous how much Jisung giggles, and it’s ridiculous how much his dad giggles back. And his dad is always touching up on him. Like, constantly. He always has a hand on his shoulder or his thigh or the back of his neck or they’re holding hands or intertwining arms or linking pinkies or— 

The point is, his dad is a PDA freak. Not something he would’ve considered his father to be, he would assume the exact opposite, but Jeongin guesses he actually just doesn’t know him that well. He didn’t even know his dad had this much affection stored in his body. Jeongin surely never saw it. 

“I tried!” Jisung whines, flushed and giggling. He took two sips of Minho’s fruity ass cocktail, Jeongin is so irritated. Jeongin has no idea what he’s talking about, he’s been checked out, drinking, staring at the ocean and the thatched overhang, thinking about how much he hates this and how much he already regrets agreeing to it. He traces patterns in the sand with his feet. 

“He, like, didn’t want me to see it? I don’t know.” Jisung shakes his head. His dad smiles and hums at him, there’s affection radiating off of him in waves, Jeongin wants to throw up. 

They look so weird together. His dad is, respectfully, fucking old. And Jisung, not so respectfully, looks like a child. 

To their credit, they seem very happy. To their credit again, Jisung doesn’t really look like a child. He just looks, like, so young next to his dad. 

But Jeongin is still pissed. 

“Um, Jeongin,” Jisung says. Jeongin jumps a little, he hasn’t been addressed for this entire meal. “What’s your major?” 

Jeongin picks up his drink and sips out of the straw. Jisung knows nothing about him, his dad literally never talks about him. Not new information, but it still sucks. 

“Psychology.” 

“Cool!” Jisung says, even though it is absolutely not that cool, he is so annoying. “What do you wanna do?” 

“Teach.”

When first he told his dad he wanted to be a teacher, he could see the disappointment and disapproval on his face. He pressed his lips together and scrunched his nose up and said if that’s what you want. He’s come around to it in the last two years, at least. He has no reaction to it right now. 

“Awesome!” Jisung says, way too bubbly for Jeongin’s comfort. “What grade?”

“Elementary.”

“Oh!” His eyebrows fly up, his lips part, his head tilts a little as he looks Jeongin up and down. “Really?” 

Jeongin side-eyes him. “You think I’d be a bad teacher, or something?”

“Jeongin,” his dad says, a warning. 

“No!” Jisung rushes to say, waving his hands. “Nonono, not at all, you just –”

“I just what?”

“You don’t seem like—” Jisung laughs a little. “You know. A typical elementary school teacher.” He cringes at himself. At least he knows he’s being a dumbass. 

Jeongin speaks before he thinks. “No, that’s actually just because I don’t like you.”

“Jeongin.”

“Okay!” Jisung says, high pitched, his smile forced and panicked. “Okay, that’s okay. Um.” He looks at Minho. 

“Don’t be like that, Jeongin,” his dad demands. 

Jeongin nods. “Okay, I won’t.” 

He gets up and leaves the restaurant. 

Jeongin kind of hopes he’ll wake up in his bed at home. Not home, home, because apparently that’s Jisung’s home now. His apartment in Berkeley, home. 

But no. He wakes up in a gorgeous hotel room in Mexico, light streaming through the windows with an ocean view. He hates that he’s bitter to be here, he wants to be able to enjoy this, but he’s literally third wheeling his dad and his dad’s new boyfriend’s couples vacation. These circumstances could not be worse. 

He feels bad about last night, though. 

Jisung didn’t really do anything other than be a freak who dates forty five year olds. That forty five year old also just so happens to be Jeongin’s dad.

He heard them come back late last night. Their rooms are right next to each other. His dad was talking too loud, Jisung was giggling and shushing him. Jeongin didn’t, like, make Jisung sad, at least. And he luckily couldn’t hear them once they went into their room. So. Silver linings. 

He rolls out of bed. He will make the best of this. He’s in Mexico, he’s at a nice resort, he doesn’t have to listen to Hyunjin and Changbin fuck for a whole week, this is good. He’ll legally drink free alcohol and swim in the ocean and lay in the sun and maybe even get to go on some walks with his dad. Without his twink boyfriend, obviously. 

It’s a really pretty day, sunny and bright. There’s a balcony. Jeongin unlocks the door and steps out. 

Immediately, a loud yelp. 

“Ohmygodfuck.” Jeongin jumps. 

“Sorry!” Jisung rushes to say. His whole body is tense, his knees curled up to his chest protectively, his hands gripping the arms of the thatched chair. He brings his hands up, holding out his palms to Jeongin in some weir gesture of surrender. “Sorry, I’m so sorry.”

It’s a shared balcony. Jeongin holds in his groan.

Jisung crosses his legs, unfurling a little. His phone is sitting on the glass table next to him, playing quiet music. He promptly starts fumbling with his phone to pause the music, and then drops it in his lap. Jeongin recognizes the t-shirt he’s wearing. His dad ran a half-marathon a couple years ago and got that shirt. He wears it all the time. Ugh. 

“Good morning?” Jisung tries, when Jeongin doesn’t say anything. 

“Morning,” Jeongin grunts. 

“Minho’s in I mean, your dad?” Jisung’s face scrunches up a little. “Sorry, I’m— whatever. Whatever. Your dad’s in the shower.” 

Jeongin stares at him. 

“You can—” Jisung gestures at the other chair on the balcony. “You can sit.” 

Jeongin does, tentatively. Jisung thrums his fingers on his knee. He looks out at the ocean. His leg starts bouncing, even though they’re crossed, his knee is hitting the arm of the chair. It’s making a terrible sound, Jeongin sends an annoyed look towards it. Jisung notices and stops. He opens his mouth, probably to apologize, he’s always apologizing. Such a sharp contrast to Jeongin’s father. 

Well, he guesses his dad apologizes to Jisung. So. 

Jisung closes his mouth again. He turns his attention back to the beach, clasping his hands in his lap, switching to tapping his pointer finger against the opposite knuckle. 

Jeongin also turns his attention to the beach. It’s pretty — white sand, blue ocean. Jeongin doesn’t get to see the ocean very often, he’s always busy with class and studying and homework and friends. It’s nice, peaceful. There’s no one on the sand. The woosh of the waves is melodic.

It’d be perfect if he wasn’t sitting next to his dad’s twink boyfriend in the most awkward silence he’s ever experienced in his life. 

He looks over as Jisung. His lips are twisted up, his finger is still tapping. Jeongin can practically see the gears turning in his head, he’s thinking so hard. 

Jeongin closes his eyes. He listens to the ocean. He takes a deep breath. 

“I’m sorry I said I don’t like you.” Jeongin breaks the horrifically tense silence. 

“Um.” Jisung turns towards him, shock all over his features. He moves to fidgeting with the hem of his sweats. “It’s— it’s okay.” 

Jeongin nods. 

“I’m sorry that you dislike me,” Jisung adds. Ugh. Why is he apologizing for Jeongin being an asshole? He’s so annoying. 

“I don’t dislike you, Jisung,” Jeongin sighs, it comes close to a groan, he’s so exasperated. “I dislike that you’re fucking my dad.”

Jisung cringes. “Um, yeah.” 

“Please imagine your dad starts dating, like…” Jeongin struggles. “Hyunjin, or something. Please picture that.” 

“Uh.” Jisung laughs, stilted and awkward. “I kinda don’t really talk to my dad, so…” 

Of course. Of course.  

“You have daddy issues,” Jeongin deadpans. 

“Oh.” Jisung jumps a little. His eyebrows fly up, his mouth parts in a little circle. “That’s definitely not what I was saying, um—” 

“No, I know,” Jeongin interrupts. “I was just pointing it out.” 

“Um.” Jisung stares at him for a second. He’s always going um or uh or so; Jeongin’s dad used to scold him all the time for using too many filler words. He said it made him sound like he didn’t know what he was talking about. He wonders if he thinks the same for Jisung, or if the standard is completely different. Probably. 

Jisung shakes his head a little, clearing it. “I just— I do understand, though, that it’s weird.”

Jeongin wants to say then why are you doing it. He doesn’t. 

“I thought it was kind of weird too,” Jisung continues. “I didn’t— neither of us thought it was going to get serious, we just—”

“Ugh.” Jeongin throws his head back. “I do not want to hear about how you were casually fucking my dad, Jisung.”

Jisung’s eyes go wide. “I wasn’t gonna—” He starts waving his hands in front of him, he does that a lot too. He’s, like, the most unassertive person Jeongin has ever met in his life. He wonders how that doesn’t irritate his dad. “I wasn’t gonna, like, I was just gonna say— We just fell into it, I didn’t mean to—”

“Just stop talking,” Jeongin interrupts. 

Jisung shuts his mouth. Jeongin stares at the ocean. It’s really pretty. He tries to keep repeating this in his head. Beautiful resort, free alcohol, week of vacation, everything’s fine. 

“I really love him.” Jisung breaks the silence. 

Jeongin side-eyes him. Why would he say that? Jeongin doesn’t need to hear that. Hearing this guy who is literally Jeongin’s age and in Jeongin’s friend group declare his love for his fucking dad is not going to help anything. 

“Cool,” he replies. “Good for you.” 

Jisung nods, and keeps nodding. They sit in more silence. 

“I think he’s really happy right now,” Jisung adds. 

Jeongin closes his eyes and exhales slowly. At least they’re happy. “Good for you guys.” 

“I just—" Jisung sighs a little. “He really wants you to be happy too. Me too. I— we both want you to be happy.”

Again with the we, like they’re some married couple, like they’re the team. Jeongin and his dad are a team, not Jeognin’s dad and his twenty five year old boyfriend. Plus, if they wanted Jeongin to be happy, they wouldn’t have done any of this. It kind of seems like his dad just doesn’t care how he feels at all. It actually kind of seems like his twink boyfriend might care more than him about Jeongin’s wellbeing? He’s the only one who’s saying anything. But it’s not like his dad says anything ever, so. 

The sliding glass door on Jisung and his dad’s side opens. “Baby—” His dad pauses. He sees Jeongin. He absolutely lights up . His eyebrows fly up, he breaks into a massive grin. “You guys are sitting together?” 

Jeongin shifts uncomfortably in his seat. 

“You can sit.” Jisung stands up. “You guys hang out, I’ll—”

Jeongin’s dad sits down in the empty seat and pulls his twink boyfriend into his lap. 

“Do you want me to kill myself?” Jeongin blurts. 

“Don’t say that, Jeongin,” his dad scolds, always scolding. Jeongin hasn’t been scolded this much since he was a child. As Jeongin wraps his arms around himself, his dad wraps his arms around his twink’s waist. Jeongin scoffs. 

Jisung pries his arms off of him and stands up. He sends Minho a look, crazy thing to see, that’s a child and he’s sending Jeongin’s dad a reprimanding look, and his dad just takes it. He shrugs like he doesn’t know what he did. 

“There’s only two seats,” he says, like that justifies it. 

“I’ll go get ready.” Jisung sends Jeongin an apologetic look. At least one of them is sorry, but Jisung is always sorry because he’s actually the most submissive person of all time so it’s just irritating. Ugh, wait! Not submissive. Ew ew ew, ew. Ew. He tries to expel that from his mind expeditiously. 

Jeongin stares at his dad, incredulous. He wonders if he knows he’s being an asshole or if he genuinely is just that fucking stupid. 

His dad gets up and retreats back into his room after Jisung without even looking at Jeongin. 

Jeongin suddenly feels pressure in his eyes and throat. He doesn’t know what that is. He squeezes his eyes shut. Okay, his dad just left when Jisung left, okay. Without even saying anything. That’s fine. It’s not like they always sit and drink their coffees together in the mornings, or anything. That’s fine. He’s not choosing Jisung over him, or anything. 

Except he literally just did. 

Jeongin wipes his nose. It’s running, for some reason. He blinks really hard a few times, then holds his eyes open, doesn’t blink at all. He stares at the glittering ocean.

He and his dad were so close. 

He regrets ever saying they weren’t that close, he feels like he manifested something he never ever wanted. He and his dad don’t, like, talk about their feelings or their hopes and dreams but they’re together all the time. They enjoy each other’s company. Jeongin feels like he maybe took their quiet life for granted. 

The door opens again. Jeongin keeps facing forward. He pulls a harsh sniiiif through his nose. 

He hears the clink of glass against glass. He looks over. A cup of coffee sitting on the little table next to him. He looks up. His dad, standing with his own cup. 

Jeongin blinks a couple more times. He turns back to the ocean. He picks up the cup and takes a sip. His dad sits down. 

Jeongin and his dad sit in a lot of silence. It’s just been the two of them, always, they run out of things to talk about. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Jeongin likes the silence, it’s peaceful and comforting. 

Not this silence. 

This silence feels like he’s being suffocated with a pillow in his sleep. It feels like he’s being held underwater or crushed under rocks, it’s abrasive and stifling and—

“Thank you for apologizing,” his dad breaks it. 

Jeongin shrugs. He takes a sip of his coffee. His dad does the same. 

“That really upset him,” he adds. 

What about Jeongin? What about Jeongin being upset? 

“Sorry,” is what Jeongin says out loud. 

His dad hums.

The  silence is less abrasive now but Jeongin still feels like he’s swimming in it. Or maybe that’s the air. It’s humid, sticky. He feels like he’s wading through it as he moves to brush his hair out of his face. 

“Do you really not like him?”

Jeongin looks at his dad. He’s staring at the ocean, straight-faced. Jeongin can’t read him, he’s never been able to. 

“I don’t –” Jeongin sighs. “I don’t not like him, dad, I’m sure he’s a fine pers—”

“He’s a really good person,” he interrupts. 

Jeongin needs to close his eyes and inhale a deep breath. “I’m sure he is.”

A couple more deep breaths, to dissipate the lump in his throat. Jeongin wonders if his dad would consider him to be a really good person. He wonders if he would say that to anyone else. He probably wouldn’t. He never talks about him. 

When he opens his eyes again, his dad is looking at him.

“I really like him, Jeongin,” he says. Jeongin presses his lips together. He’s never been able to read his dad – but he kind of can right now.

He looks desperate. Jeongin is uncomfortable. 

“I really want you to like him too,” he adds, when Jeongin doesn’t respond. 

“I don’t dislike him,” Jeongin repeats.

“But I want you to like him.” 

“I probably would like him,” Jeongin admits. “In any other context.”

His dad puffs a short, frustrated huff out of his nose. 

Knocking on the glass. They both turn around. Jisung slides the door open. 

“Um, so, what’s our plan for the morning…?” Jisung asks. “Just. Picking what I should wear.” He awkwardly laughs.

“Breakfast,” Jeongin and his dad say at the exact same time. 

Breakfast goes fine. They eat at the same beachfront restaurant, in silence this time. Jeongin appreciates it. Jisung has finally figured out that he absolutely does not want to talk to him. 

“What are your hobbies, Jeongin?” Jisung breaks the silence. 

Jeongin groans. 

“Jeongin,” his dad warns. 

Jeongin takes a deep breath. “I like thrifting.”

“I do too!” Jisung points at himself. Jeongin contains his eyeroll for his father’s sake. “I mostly go alone. Your dad doesn’t like walking around.”

“Yeah, I know. He’s my dad.” 

“Right.” Jisung nods. “Um, your clothes are really cool. I like your jorts.”

Jeongin tilts his head to the side in a grimace, pressing his lips together, exhaling something between a scoff and a sigh. 

“I can’t even compliment your jorts?” Jisung asks. Snippy. Frustrated. He’s getting frustrated too. 

“Jisung, you just don’t need to compliment my jorts.” Jeongin shakes his head. “Like, don’t say I like your jorts to me, that’s just unnecessary.” 

Jisung nods. He looks down to his food. 

Fuck, he looks so sad. Is his lip wobbling? His dad is looking at him with so much concern, and setting his hand on his thigh, and rubbing it soothingly, fuck. 

His dad is opening his mouth. To scold Jeongin, undoubtedly. 

“What’re your hobbies?” Jeongin asks before he gets the chance. 

Jisung looks up. He’s shocked, he doesn’t know how to respond. 

“Um.” Jisung buffers for a moment. “I make music.”

“What kind of music?” Jeongin asks. He’s… Actually kind of curious. 

“Rap.”

“Ugh, dad.” Jeongin squints at him. “You’re dating a twenty five year old twink SoundCloud rapper?”

“Jeongin, I will beat your ass,” his dad snaps. “It’s never too late to start.”

Jeongin rolls his eyes. His dad doesn’t say anything, probably because he just threatened his son with physical violence. Definitely not the first time, definitely not the last, he’s heard I brought you into this world, I will take you out of it more times than he can count. When Jeongin replies with I’m fucking adopted! his dad sucks his teeth and shakes his head and then Jeongin retreats to his room in surrender.  

“Um, no, it’s okay,” Jisung says, nodding. “I am a twenty five year old SoundCloud rapper.”

“Twenty five year old twink SoundCloud rapper,” Jeongin corrects. 

“Right, yeah.” Jisung nods. “Yeah, um.” He drums his fingers on the table. “What kind of music do you like?”

“I don’t really want to do this, to be honest.”

“Right,” Jisung repeats. He lets out a small, barely audible sigh. He picks up his fork to push around his food. 

Jeongin closes his eyes and inhales a deep breath. 

“I like trot,” he says. 

“He likes singing trot,” his dad offers. The first piece of information his dad has ever shared about him, probably. 

“Oh.” He glances at Minho for a second, then looks back at Jeongin. “Do you speak Korean?”

“No,” Jeongin answers, irritated. Jisung has to know his dad doesn’t speak Korean, why would Jeongin speak Korean if his dad doesn’t speak in Korean? He’s so fucking annoying. “I just sing in Korean. Sometimes.”

“Do you like K-pop?” Jisung asks. 

“Not really.”

Jisung nods, and keeps nodding. He looks like he’s trying to come up with something else to say. He can’t. He looks back down at his plate, giving up. 

Jeongin sighs. Fine, he’ll contribute. “Do you speak Korean?”

Jisung looks back up, eyes wide. Jeongin has to resist rolling his. 

“I used to, kind of? Not really,” Jisung answers when he processes the fact that Jeongin has asked him not one, not two, but three questions about himself. Jeongin is also kind of shocked, to be fair. “I lost all of it when I stopped talking to my family.”

“Why’d you stop talking to your family?” Jeongin asks. 

“Uh.” Jisung blinks. “I was outed.”

“Oh.” Jeongin frowns a little. He hates Jisung’s presence, but he’s not a terrible person and that’s really sad. “That sucks. Sorry.”

“Yeah, um…” He trails off. He coughs. 

“How old were you?”

“Fifteen,” Jisung answers. “I got kicked out and they pretend I never existed, so. It’s been, like, a decade of no practice. And I didn’t speak that much in the first place, so…” He laughs a little. 

He understands why his dad scolded him so much for using too many filler words, it’s fucking annoying. But he guesses he’s asking Jisung some really personal questions and he’s sharing very vulnerable information in return, so he’s excused for now. 

“Damn. That sucks.”

“Yeah you—” He turns to Minho, smiling, eyes shining. It’s bittersweet. “You’re really lucky to have such an amazing dad.”

Jeongin doesn’t respond. 

They go back to the room to change for the beach. His dad takes an extra long time to get ready, for some reason.  Jeongin and Jisung sit on the balcony.

It’s not as awkward this time. It’s still super fucking awkward, don’t be mistaken, but it’s not as awkward. 

Jisung takes out his phone, starts playing trot, and sets it on the table between them. He smiles at Jeongin a little. Jeongin looks away. 

But it’s a nice gesture.

The sliding glass door opens. “I’m ready.”

His dad is dressed like a slut, not a sentence he ever wished to be thinking. He’s wearing swim shorts that are way too short and an open button up shirt; Jisung exhales a shaky sigh.

Jeongin immediately sends him a disgusted look, he doesn’t notice. He’s too busy open mouthed, half-lidded staring at Jeongin’s dad. 

“Put on some clothes,” Jeongin hisses. 

“We’re going to the beach,” his dad responds. He puts his hand on Jisung’s cheek and pushes his gaze away from his body. His dad is fucking smirking. Because he’s being checked out by his twenty year old twink boyfriend. Jeongin wants to die.

Jisung shakes his head a little, abruptly stands up, and adjusts himself. He’s trying to be covert, it’s not covert. Jeongin wants to die. 

“I’m ready!” Jisung says, too high pitched. Jeongin rolls his eyes, neither of them see. 

Jeongin’s dad unnecessarily holds open the sliding glass door for Jisung, gesturing him through. It’s a fucking sliding glass door. It stays open itself. 

He looks at Jeongin and nods through the door, gesturing for him to go too. Okay, at least Jeongin also gets the door held open for him. 

As they’re walking towards the front door, Jeongin’s dad slings his arm over his child boyfriend’s shoulder. 

“Don’t touch me right now,” Jisung blurts. He squirms out from under his arm. 

Jeongin groans and stomps out of the hotel room. 

The way his father looks at Jisung is life-changingly vile. He’s used to his dad’s blank stare — it’s how he looks, like, seventy five percent of the time — but when he’s blankly staring at his twink boyfriend’s bare torso Jeongin wants to walk into the ocean and never return. He keeps kissing this one mole on Jisung’s shoulder. He keeps rubbing down his arms. He keeps grabbing his ass when he thinks Jeongin isn’t looking. 

Once again, Jeongin is reminded that this is a couples vacation, and he should not be here.

To Jisung’s credit (ugh) he is trying very hard to keep Jeongin included. He keeps asking him questions about school and his classes and his hobbies and if he’s involved in any clubs. School is fine, his classes are fine, he is not involved in any clubs. 

He does ask about Jeongin’s favorite brands and that gets them chatting for a while. Jisung says I really like these underground streetwear brands, Stussy and Essentials, you probably haven’t heard of them with a completely straight face and then bursts into giggles when Jeongin side-eyes him. That was kind of funny. Jeongin laughed. 

Jisung is really trying to keep the PDA to a minimum, too. He’s trying way harder than Jeongin’s dad. When his dad plants a kiss on the side of Jisung’s neck, his eyes flutter shut and his head tilts for a second before he startles and stumbles away from him. Jeongin’s dad approaches and grabs his hips and Jisung shoves him with two hands. He leans in for a kiss when he thinks Jeongin isn’t looking, Jisung notices he is and puts his hand on his mouth to push him away. 

The problem is mostly his dad. 

As it turns out, he is an entirely shameless freak who is in no way embarrassed to be seen touching and kissing up on his teen twink boyfriend. There is no one else on this section of the beach but Jeongin is there, so what the fuck?

What pisses Jeongin off the most is how casual he is about it. Like it’s nothing, to be kissing and touching and hugging. Jeongin’s dad has hugged him once. Once. And it was so weird that Jeongin actively blocks it from his memory. He does not particularly enjoy giving or receiving hugs, and he thought his dad was the same, but Jisung is getting hugged once every other minute. Jeongin has been hugged once, period. 

He’s never, like, yearned for a hug from his father. That’s really not something he thinks he needs, it would probably (definitely) be horrifically uncomfortable.

However: he can’t help but think that maybe he doesn’t like being hugged because his dad never hugged him. Like a dog that was never picked up as a puppy and bites when people try to do it now. 

He doesn’t really feel like he’s missing anything. Not receiving physical affection from his father has never weighed heavy on his mind, but it’s irritating that Jisung gets it when he never did. He never does. He doesn’t want it, but it irks him that someone else has it.

And it’s just another thing that makes him feel like he doesn’t really know his dad that well. His dad is a lovey, touchy, affectionate person who’s willing to casually fuck a guy twenty years younger than him then make him his boyfriend. Jeongin absolutely did not know that about his dad, and he wishes he never ever found out. 

Jeongin closes his eyes, lays down in the sand, and tries to fall asleep. He just needs to be unconscious. 

He wakes up to someone smacking his arm. Jeongin grumbles a little. The smacking gets more aggressive. 

“What?” 

“You’re burning,” his dad answers. He starts smacking him even harder. 

“I’m not—” He bats his hands away. “I’m not burning, what the f—” He rubs his eyes, squinting them open, trying to adjust to the sun. “Why did you wake me up?”

“Because you’re burning,” he repeats. “You need to put on sunscreen.”

Jeongin closes his eyes again. “I already did.”

“You need to put on more.”

“In a second.”

His dad starts spraying him with sunscreen.

“Cold!” Jeongin jumps, scrambling to sit up, holding his arms out protectively. “Cold, dad, oh my god!”

He keeps spraying, it gets in Jeongin’s mouth. He starts coughing. His dad sprays the tops of his shoulders and down his arms and then more on his chest and stomach. Jeongin tries to bat the mist away, like that’ll help. 

His dad stops spraying. “Okay, you can go back to sleep.”

Jeongin has to spit sunscreen into the sand. He stares at him in disbelief. 

“No, I think I’m awake now, thanks.” He looks around. “Where’s your twink?”

His dad sucks his teeth. “Try again.”

“Where’s your teenaged boyfriend?” 

“Try again.”

“Where’s your twenty five year old SoundCloud rapper boyfriend who’s twenty years younger than you?” 

His dad exhales briefly out of his nose. 

“You can’t argue with that,” Jeongin says. “And that’s the most embarrassing one, too.”

His dad massages his temples with his thumb and his forefinger. “You’re out of control.”

“You’re out of control!” Jeongin gestures at him.

His dad drops his hand. He looks at Jeongin. Jeongin is expecting his usual dead-eyed stare or scathing glare but… 

He looks desperate again. It’s such an unfamiliar thing, and Jeongin’s seeing it for the second time today. He hates it. He looks away. 

“Since when do you talk to me like this, Jeongin?”

“Since you started dating someone my age.” Jeongin answers. Obviously. That timeline is very clear. There was an explicit sequence of events. 

“He’s older than you.”

Jeongin throws his hands up, he whips back towards him. “We have the same friend group, dad!” 

He closes his eyes and exhales a long sigh. “You’ve never been this disrespectful in your life.” 

“Okay, have you maybe considered that you’re being disrespectful to me?” 

His dad squints at him. “No I’m not."

Jeongin just gets up and walks away. 

Jeongin is sitting on the balcony, curled up in a chair with his head in his knees. He’s trapped in Mexico with his stupid asshole dad and his stupid asshole dad’s stupid asshole boyfriend. Except, his boyfriend is actually kind of okay. For a SoundCloud rapper. Jeongin wonders why he’s not dating someone his age. Maybe it’s the constant anxiety radiating off of him or the obviously dire daddy issues. 

He wonders why his dad doesn’t date someone his age. That’s one of the main reasons he’s a stupid asshole, in Jeongin’s opinion. Like, what do they even have in common? What do they talk about? People who date people twenty years younger than them are freaks. What kind of freak shit is happening here? 

So not only is his father outwardly loving and affectionate in a way Jeongin could’ve never predicted, he’s also a fucking freak. If Jeongin saw any forty four year old in the world dating a twenty five year old he would side-eye them, let alone his father. That can’t be okay. 

And he can just be like that in front of Jeongin? No shame? Just groping and kissing his adolescent boyfriend in front of his son? What happened to shame?

He hears the sound of his dad's hotel room door opening and closing. 

“Sweetheart,” his dad sings. Jeongin has to withhold a groan, that’s all he’s been doing for two days. 

“I’m mad at you,” Jisung responds. Jeongin perks up. He leans toward the sliding glass door a little, just enough so he can hear better but not enough that they can see him through the glass. 

His dad hums. 

“You need to chill,” Jisung demands. Thank you! Oh my god, Jeongin is on the twink’s side. He’s rooting for the SoundCloud rapper daddy issue riddled twink. 

“About what?” 

“Kissing me in front of your son!” Jisung says, high pitched and frustrated. So Jeongin isn’t crazy! It is weird, he should have some shame, even his boyfriend thinks so! 

“He already hates me, Minho,” Jisung adds, dejected. 

“He doesn’t hate you.”

Jeongin doesn’t know his dad, and apparently his dad doesn’t know him either.

“He definitely does,” Jisung insists. “Or. The idea of me, at least.”

His father’s boyfriend knows him better than his father. And cares about how he feels more, too. 

“And I’m kind of— I’m kind of, like…” Jisung trails off. “He’s kind of warming up to me. A little bit. I think.”

“You think?”

Jisung’s voice goes softer. “I made him laugh today,” he says tentatively, hopefully, like if he speaks too loud he might break it. “Did you hear?” 

Long silence. Jeongin doesn’t want to think about what’s happening. 

“I love you,” his dad sighs. 

Jeongin startles. What? Where did that come from? Why? He knew they were in love, or whatever, but his dad just... Tells Jisung he loves him? Out loud? 

“I love you too,” Jisung says back. Jeongin can barely hear him, he’s speaking so quietly. 

“I appreciate you so much, baby.” Another beat of silence. “I love you.”

What? Twice? 

“Yeah, I know. So stop sabotaging me by making me the freak who’s fucking his dad,” he whines. “I love you too,” he adds. 

“You are the freak who’s fucking his dad.”

“Yeah, but I want him to forget that for a little so I can make him like me!”

A couple beats of silence. A soft, barely audible sigh from Jisung. 

“But you look so good,” his dad murmurs. “And I love you so much.”

Three times. In, like, a minute. Two more times than Jeongin’s ever heard in his entire life. 

“Stop,” Jisung whines. His breath catches. “Stop. No.”

“But we’re alone.”

“But I’m trying to—” Jisung breaks off into a shudder. Jeongin gags. 

“I’m trying to reprimand you, and you’re— ah.” Okay, Jeongin needs to leave now. He quickly stands up.

“Minho.”

“You really want me to stop?”

“No,” Jisung breathes. 

Jeongin scampers into his own room expeditiously. 

Jeongin can only think one thing: how is this not weird for them? 

He is sitting across from them at the dinner table, watching their date. That’s what this is. They’re on a date, and Jeongin is also here. They’re on their vacation, and Jeongin is also here. 

Apparently his dad gets flirty after, like, one drink. Cool. Fine. Whatever. Fine. That’s his dad and he’s being flirty, but whatever! Fine! He’s never seen his dad flirty in his life, he didn’t even think that was a thing he did, he had no idea what it would look like. 

Well, it looks very specific. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen this expression on his father’s face ever. Jisung is talking about something, Jeongin doesn’t care what it’s about, and his father is watching with unreasonably rapt attention, his lips quirked up at the corners and his eyes soft. Witnessing the physical affection is rough — this is even more palpable. It’s worse. 

He’s making a flirty comment at every single opportunity. Jisung says it was so pretty! and Jeongin’s dad says as pretty as you?  And Jisung will swat him and say stooop! and his dad will grin and— 

They look very happy. 

They look really, very happy. They’re giggling and yapping and blushing and batting at each other. They’re having so much fun together.

Jeongin and his dad have fun together. His dad is kind of really funny, if not just on account of being bizarre. They laugh a lot together. They have fun together. 

Jisung and Jeongin’s dad have so much more fun together. 

He’s never seen his dad this happy in his life. He’s flushed, giggling with every other word. Jisung keeps looking at him and he starts tripping over his words. He’s never seen his dad stutter like this — and he’s not even embarrassed, he just keeps giggling. Sometimes he’ll shove Jisung’s gaze away with a hand on his jaw and sometimes he’ll look away, grinning at nothing, before ultimately looking back, like he can’t stop it.

And Jeongin is just sitting here, watching. 

They keep saying random shit that Jeongin doesn’t understand. They’re kind of like the inside jokes he and his dad have but even stranger and more complex. They keep going off on tangents, Jeongin doesn’t even know what they’re talking about. He was trying to follow, he really was, and he can’t. So it’s not even that he’s checked out and doesn’t care, he was trying. 

That feels like the most embarrassing thing that’s happening at this table, really. He’s trying to feel included and he can’t. He doesn’t know why he even was trying in the first place. 

(For his dad. He seems so happy. He was trying for his dad.) 

He is a third wheel in every sense. He’s not needed, he definitely doesn’t feel wanted and he has never wanted to leave somewhere more. 

He’s never been in second place, never, not once in his life. It’s always been just him and his dad, there was no one else even running for first place. They don’t have any other family, his dad was too busy working and being a single dad to make friends, it’s always been just the two of them. And now there’s not only a third person but it’s a third person that his dad likes better. 

Jeongin’s stomach hurts.

Jisung tries harder to make small talk again at breakfast the following morning. 

“Do you like anime too, Jeongin?”

“No,” Jeongin answers, staring off into the ocean. He’s been avoiding looking at Jisung all morning. 

“Oh,” Jisung says. “But you watch with your dad?” 

“Yeah.”

“Do you watch TV?”

“No.”

“None?” Jisung asks, incredulous. 

“I don’t have time.”

“What do you do, then?”

“Study.”

“All you do is study?” 

“Mostly, yeah.”

“What do you do with your friends?” 

“Like, get coffee.”

“What’s your coffee order?”

“Iced americano.”

“Me too!”

Jeongin glances at him briefly. “Okay.”

Jisung thinks for a moment. “How did you and Hyunjin meet?”

“Class.” 

“Do you rave with h—” Jisung looks at Jeongin’s dad. “Um. What do you guys do together?”

“Get coffee, I said that.”

“You guys never do anything else?”

“We get food sometimes.”

“What’s your favorite food?” 

“We get ramen a lot.”

“Do you have a favorite ramen place?” 

“Can you just stop, Jisung?” Jeongin snaps. 

“Jeongin,” his dad snaps back. 

“Don’t say Jeongin,” Jeongin mocks. “Just talk to each other, that’s obviously what you’d rather be doing.”

His dad has not contributed a word to this conversation, or most of the mind-numbing conversations Jeongin and Jisung have. But he’s super chatty with just Jisung, of course. 

“That’s not true!” Jisung shakes his head. “I want to talk to you!”

Jeongin stares at him.

Wait. 

He stares more. He leans closer. He squints. Holy shit. What the fuck. Jeongin wants to die. 

“There’s cum in your twink’s hair, dad.” 

Jisung’s hands fly up to his hair. He starts combing through it wildly. 

Minho’s expression stays completely straight, he doesn’t react at all, except for his entire face flushing red. Jeongin doesn’t think he’s ever seen his dad flush like that. 

He turns to Jisung, grabbing his wrists and bringing them to his sides — Jisung’s body goes limp, ughughughugh. He picks through Jisung’s hair, scratching it out, it’s taking way too long. He collects the crusts in his palm. 

Then gets up and wordlessly walks towards the bathroom. 

Jisung and Jeongin sit in silence. The table is shaking from Jisung’s bouncing leg.

“I’m so sorry,” Jisung blurts. 

Jeongin shakes his head.

“We—”

“Don’t,” Jeongin cuts him off. “Please do not.” 

“Yeah.” Jisung stops talking. He looks down. He starts drumming his fingers on the table alongside his bouncing knee.

Jeongin avoids them for the rest of the morning. He goes and rots in his room for a couple hours — neither of them seem to notice or care. 

He’s sick of this, he can’t do this anymore, he wants to go home. He should not be here. He never should’ve agreed to this, he doesn’t know what he was thinking. He doesn’t know why the fuck he would agree to this. 

Well, he does know why. Because his dad asked him to. 

Even though he hates his dad’s boyfriend and he hates this situation and he hates how his dad is acting, he still came on this godforsaken vacation. For his dad. 

And he literally does not care at all. 

Speak of the devil. 

His dad opens the sliding glass door, no knock or warning. Jeongin accidentally left it unlocked; he berates himself for that. 

His dad comes in and silently sits on the bed next to him. Jeongin waits for him to say something. He doesn’t. 

He used to do this a lot — come into Jeongin’s room and sit on his bed and watch him. Jeongin would say do you need something…? And his dad would say it’s my house, I can hang out wherever I want. And then they’d sit in silence together. He did it a lot in the months leading up to Jeongin moving out. 

“What do you want?” Jeongin asks, because he’s pissed. 

“Come to the beach with us,” his dad demands. 

Jeongin throws his hands up. Jeongin is obviously upset — or. Not upset, annoyed. He’s annoyed. And his dad thinks bossing him around will help? Jeongin corrects himself. His dad isn’t trying to help, he doesn’t want to help, he quite literally has not shown Jeongin an ounce of care the entire time they’ve been here. 

“No,” Jeongin answers, incredulous. Why would he want to hang out with him? Especially when he demands it like that?

“Yes,” his dad simply argues. 

“No.”

“Yes.” His dad swats his leg. “Get up. Come with us.” 

That definitely does not make him want to go with them. “I don’t want to.” 

“Don’t waste time in here.”

“I don’t even want to be here,” Jeongin desperately says. 

His dad clicks his tongue. “Just come with us.” 

Jeongin sighs, he can tell his eyes are big and petulant but he can’t stop it. “Do you even want me to come with you?” 

“Yes,” his dad says, like Jeongin is stupid. “That’s why I told you to come.”

Jeongin’s gaze drops to his lap. “It seems like you don’t want me here,” he grumbles. 

“No,” he plainly states. 

Jeongin presses his lips together. “You don’t want me here?” 

“No, I do.”

“You’re not acting like it.” 

“I am,” he argues. “I told you to come to the beach with us.” 

“And I told you I don’t want to.” 

“I want you to, though.”

“You also wanna fuck a twenty five year old twink, so,” Jeongin snaps. “I don’t agree with the things you want.” 

His dad closes his eyes and takes a long, deep breath. “You need to pull it together, Jeongin.”

“What?” Jeongin innocently asks. “What am I doing?” 

“You know how to act,” his dad snaps back. He’s frustrated, it fills Jeongin with satisfaction. “I taught you how to act, you know how to act.” 

“What? Is it not true?” Jeongin spits. “That’s what this is, right? You wanna fuck some kid twenty years younger than you and you’re making it my problem.”

His dad holds out his hand. “Give me your phone.”

Jeongin blinks. 

“You’re gonna—” He stares at him. “You’re trying to take away my phone?” 

“Yes.”

“I’m not fifteen, dad, you can’t just take away my phone.”

“I can, because I’m your dad, and I pay your phone bill, and you’re being an unbelievable brat, and so disrespectful, and —”

“I’m not giving you my phone,” Jeongin cuts him off. 

His dad gives him that very specific dad look, the one that instills instant fear in Jeongin’s heart.

“Yes you are.” He sticks his hand towards Jeongin. 

Jeongin closes his eyes. He clenches his jaw so hard his teeth feel like they might break and he hands over his phone. 

“Don’t take away his phone, Minho.”

Jeongin and his dad both pause, looking over at the open sliding glass door. 

“Give him a break,” Jisung says. “This is a lot.”

“He can’t just—”

“I know,” Jisung cuts him off. “But taking his shit isn’t gonna help anything.”

His dad bristles. Jisung can tell. 

“You’re his dad,” Jisung holds his hands up. “Do what you want.” 

His dad presses his lips together. 

“But I don’t want you to do that,” Jisung continues. “And I think it’ll make things worse, and I think you’re grasping for control in a way that is not productive for anyone.”

Who the fuck is this?  What? Is the twenty five year old twink more mature than Jeongin’s dad? Woah, new angle to this already crazy fucked up relationship. 

His dad closes his eyes for a moment. He wordlessly hands Jeongin his phone back. Jeongin takes it, tentatively, like he might break something if he moves too fast. He has never seen his dad change his mind like that. Once he decides something, there is absolutely no reasoning with him. 

Unless it’s Jisung, of course. He’s a different person for Jisung. 

Once he realizes he has fully re-obtained his phone, Jeongin gets up and stomps to the door. He pauses with his hand on the handle. He turns around. 

“Thank you, Jisung.”

He opens the door and slams it behind him. 

Jeongin walks, like, three miles down the beach to get far away from that hotel room. He sits in the sand. He curls his legs up to his chest and rests his chin in his knees. 

He gets maybe twenty minutes of peace. 

Jisung sits down next to him. 

Jeongin sends him an irritated look. “Were you following me?” 

“A little,” Jisung answers. 

At least he’s honest. 

“Sorry,” Jisung says after a couple beats of silence. 

“You kinda don’t have anything to be sorry for,” slips out of Jeongin’s mouth before he can remember that he hates him. “Except for maybe following me.” 

“Yeah,” Jisung agrees. “I’m sorry about this whole situation, though.” 

Jeongin sighs. He hates Jisung as his dad’s twink boyfriend, but Jisung as a person might be kind of fine. 

“You seem kinda, like.” Jeongin pauses to think. “Emotionally intelligent.”

Jisung lights up. He sits up straighter, he breaks into a smile. “Thank you!” He looks down at his lap, still smiling, playing with the hem of his sweats. “That’s so nice,” he mumbles. 

“How?” Jeongin asks. 

Jisung looks up again. “How am I emotionally intelligent?” 

Jeongin nods. 

“Um, honestly, I have a lot of anxiety.” He laughs a little. “I read a lot of self help books. And I’ve, uh, been in. Kind of a lot of therapy.”

Jeongin ahhs. “Yeah.” He nods. “No offense, but it really seems like you need it.”

“Umm…” Jisung ponders that for a moment. “Yeah, okay. That’s fair.”

“Not just because of the constant anxiety radiating off of you,” Jeongin clarifies. “You’re also dating a forty five year old. It’s great that you’re seeking help. Good for you.”

Jisung’s face twists up. “Thank… You?”

Jeongin nods. 

“He’s only forty four,” Jisung adds. 

Jeongin sends him an exasperated look. 

“Yeah, that’s— yeah.” Jisung nods too. “Unhelpful. Sorry.”

Jeongin listens to the waves. He picks up a handful of sand and lets it fall through his fingers. 

“Your dad does want to spend time with you,” Jisung says. 

“He would rather spend time with you.”

“That’s not true,” Jisung argues. “He was really sad this morning.” 

Jeongin scoffs. 

“I’m not trying to, like.” Jisung gestures in circles while he thinks. “Guilt trip you, or anything. I’m just saying. He does want to spend time with you.”

“He’s such a fucking asshole,” Jeongin grumbles. 

“He’s not,” Jisung argues. “You know he’s not.”

“He acts like it.” 

“I mean…” Jisung sighs. “Honestly, Jeongin, he kind of went about this in the worst way possible. Like, I think he set us both up for failure.” 

“I don’t think there was a good way to go about this.”

“No, there could’ve been.” Jisung shakes his head. “Warning you that I’m a twenty five year old twink, first of all.”

Laughter bursts through Jeongin’s closed lips, he can’t help it.

Jisung smiles. “That probably would’ve been a good first step.”

Jeongin doesn’t disagree, but he also doesn’t know what to say. 

“And maybe, like, validating that this is really hard for you,” Jisung adds. 

“I don’t need to be validated,” Jeongin scoffs. “ I need this to not be happening.” 

“Well, it is happening,” Jisung says. “And I know it’s really hard, and it makes sense that you’re acting like this, and I’m sorry that this sucks for you.”

“Jisung.” Jeongin looks at him. “I kind of need you to fuck off.” 

“Okay.” Jisung puts his palms on the ground and pushes himself to stand. “But your dad does seriously want to spend time with you.” 

Jeongin scoffs again. 

“And I love your dad, and your dad loves you,” Jisung continues. “You’re the most important person in his life. He wants to spend time with you. I do too.”

Jeongin stares into the sand. “I don’t want to hear this from you.”

“Do you want to hear it from him?” 

Jeongin closes his eyes. “Please leave me alone.” 

It’s getting dark by the time Jeongin starts walking back. It started getting cold and he was shivering in his jorts so he decided it was time to make the trek back, even if he kind of just wanted to lay into the sand until he disintegrated and became one with the earth. 

When he gets back to the building with their rooms in it, his dad is standing outside. He’s holding a little brown takeout box in his hands. He’s blocking the entrance, Jeongin can’t get in without walking past him. 

He could go around the building to a different entrance, but he doesn’t. 

“Are you cold?” Is the first thing his dad says when he sees him. 

Jeongin shakes his head, even though he’s shivering. 

His dad sets the takeout box on the ground and pulls off his hoodie. He’s not wearing anything under it, so now Jeongin is just standing and looking at his shirtless father. He shoves it in Jeongin’s hands. 

“I don’t need—”

“Put it on,” his dad demands. Jeongin does. The hoodie is warm and it smells like his dad; he wraps his arms around himself. 

His dad picks up the takeout box and presents it to him with two hands. “I got you a taco.” 

“Um.” Jeongin takes it tentatively. “Okay?” 

His dad waits, staring at him. 

“Thank you,” Jeongin adds. 

He just keeps staring at him. Jeongin isn’t sure what he wants him to do. He looks around. He’s holding an apology taco, shivering, and being stared at by his shirtless father. 

“I want you to be here,” his dad finally says. 

Jeongin presses his lips together. That probably took a lot for him to say. In all honesty, it makes Jeongin feel a little better. 

“Okay,” Jeongin repeats. 

“I wish you’d stop acting like such a brat, though.” 

So close. He was so close. 

Jeongin closes his eyes. “Okay, dad.”

Maybe he just needs to shut up and make it through the rest of this trip. Obviously fighting it isn’t helping. He’s never fought with his dad this much before, not even when he was an angsty teen. His dad was right, he’s never been this disrespectful in his life. He’s not particularly enjoying it. 

“Okay, you’ll stop acting like a brat?” His dad asks. 

“Sure,” he responds. Fighting it isn’t helping. 

“Sure, or yes?” 

“Yes.” 

“Okay.” His dad nods once. “Do you want dinner?” 

Jeongin holds up his takeout container. “I have this taco.” 

“You’ll eat the taco in one bite.” 

Jeongin laughs a little. That’s true. 

“Let’s eat dinner.” His dad flicks him on his bicep and starts walking away.  

He’s sitting on his dad and Jisung’s bed in silence. Jisung is sitting next to him, watching as he eats his taco, as his dad predicted, in one bite. The taco is cold, but it still tastes good. 

They’ve reached that point in the vacation where they need to eat Korean food, so his dad pulls out his instant rice and his airtight container of seaweed. He roasts it himself, that’s one of the (many) things he always makes and sends Jeongin back to school with to put in his freezer. It’s cheaper and tastes better, he will get genuinely pissed at Jeongin if he sees he bought it from the store — you know I’ll make it for you, are you ungrateful? Do you like wasting money? 

One time he came to their apartment and saw Hyunjin’s store bought gim and scolded Hyunjin too, then accused Jeongin of being a greedy roommate who doesn’t share and doesn’t care about his best friend. Like, okay. He doesn’t control what Hyunjin buys at the store, but whatever. He shares now. 

His dad also has a vacuum sealed bag of kimchi, another thing he refuses to buy. He refuses to buy most things, actually, if he can make it himself he does and everything else is bad and a scam. It’s definitely not a scam, but it does taste worse, so. Okay. 

His dad gets out the hot pepper tuna and—

“Regular tuna?” Jeongin tilts his head. Not something they really ever have. 

Jisung laughs a little. “I can’t eat spicy food.”

Jeongin shakes his head. “Weakest link,” he mutters. SoundCloud rapper twink, dating a forty five year old, and can’t eat spicy food. Pick a struggle. 

His dad pulls out the chopsticks he brought. Jisung says I can help! but Jeongin’s dad clicks his tongue at him, bats his hands away, and tells them to go wait outside. 

So Jeongin and Jisung are waiting outside. 

“Um.” Jisung coughs. “Why did he kick us out?” 

“He doesn’t want us to waste time inside,” Jeongin answers. “He gets weird about wasting time sometimes.”

“Oh.” Jisung’s face scrunches up. “But he’s so, like…”

“Lazy?” Jeongin fills in. 

“Well.” Jisung laughs a little. “Yeah. In a good way, though.”

“Yeah, rest is a good use of time,” Jeongin says. “To him.”

“Not to you?”

Jeongin shrugs. “Not really.”

Jisung hums. He thinks for a moment. 

“Your dad’s so… Chill. About things. Why do you, like…” He thinks some more. “Spend all your time studying, and stuff?” 

“Um.” Jeongin side-eyes him. “Because I want to succeed.” Obviously. 

“Ah.” Jisung nods. “I forget that people can want to, like, work for reasons other than making their parents happy.” He laughs. 

“Yeah.” 

“You’re self motivated,” Jisung says. “That’s a really good thing to be.”

Jeongin glances at him. “Thanks.” 

“He says you’re too hard on yourself,” Jisung adds. 

Jeongin shrugs. What is he supposed to say to that?

“So what is a waste of time?” Jisung pivots. “To your dad.”

“Working too much,” Jeongin answers. “Spending time in a hotel room on vacation.”

Jisung hms. “He doesn’t normally care about staying in the r—” He snaps his mouth shut.

Jeongin looks at him. He squints his eyes. “Have you guys traveled together before?”

“Um…”

They obviously have. Whatever. Jeongin doesn’t even care. Whatever. 

“Wait, he doesn’t normally care abo—” Jeongin realizes. “Wait! Wait! Ew!”  

“Don’t say ew,” Jisung rushes. “Nothing is ew. No ew. That doesn’t mean anything. Don’t think about it. We’re bonding.” 

“We’re not bonding, Jisung.”

“We were!” Jisung whines. 

Jeongin huffs. He looks out at the ocean. There’s a family on the beach below them, a mom and a dad and a little girl. They’re all bundled up in sweats and hoodies. The dad picks the little girl up and spins her around, they’re both laughing. Jeongin looks away, back at Jisung. 

“So you guys, just. Like.” Jeongin gestures. “Go on vacations together?” 

“Um.” Jisung hesitates. “We have before.”

Jeongin purses his lips. “Is my dad your sugar daddy?” 

Jisung's eyes go wide. “No!” He rapidly shakes his head. “I have a job!” 

“Is your job being my dad’s sugar baby?” 

“No!” Jisung yells. “ I’m a cybersecurity analyst!” 

“Oh.” Jeongin clicks his tongue. “So, a little different from sugar baby.”

Jisung presses his lips together for a moment. “I’m kind of his sugar baby.” 

“Ugh!” Jeongin’s face twists in disgust. “Jisung!”

“I’m trying to be transparent!” Jisung rushes to say. “He pays for everything, I just—”

“Why can’t he just be your super fucking old boyfriend that pays for everything?” Jeongin interrupts. “Why do you have to be his sugar baby?” 

“You’re the one who brought up sugar baby!” Jisung says, high pitched and stressed. “That was a trap!” 

“I’ll be your sugar daddy if you want.” His dad appears in the sliding glass door.

“Ugh!” Jeongin yells. 

His dad bursts into giggles. He has two bowls in his hands and one pressed between his forearm and his stomach. He steps around Jisung to hand Jeongin his first. He hands Jisung his bowl, then sits down on the ground. 

“Take my seat, ba– Minho.” Jisung stands up.  

“No, I already sat down.” His dad is already chewing his first bite. “Don’t make me get up, I’m old.”

Jisung bursts into giggles, this time. 

“Which is why I’ll sit on the floor.” Jisung sits on the floor next to him. 

He tsks. “Now we’re both sitting on the floor.”

“I’ll sit on the floor,” Jeongin offers, because he’s the youngest and he actually is not an impolite disrespectful asshole, despite his behavior on this trip. He moves to the floor. 

“And now we’re all sitting on the floor,” his dad says. “Both of you, sit down.”

“No,” Jisung argues. 

“Behave, Jisung.” 

Jisung gets up and sits in the chair. 

“Ew!” Jeongin exclaims. What the fuck was that? As reparation for having to witness that, he gets up and takes the second chair. 

His dad does not acknowledge it. He locks in on his food. 

Jeongin wakes up the following morning feeling a little bit better. He still wishes he wasn’t here, but that has downregulated from an all-consuming feeling to more of a background ache. 

They go to breakfast. There is no cum in Jisung’s hair this time, and it’s not an entirely unpleasant experience. They all mutually agree that they should partake in an activity today as opposed to just laying on the beach. Well, Jisung and Jeongin agree, and then they coerce Jeongin’s dad into it. Jeongin pretends that his dad didn't change his mind after Jisung whispered something in his ear. He’s just trying to make it through this trip. 

So they’re going paddle boarding. Jeongin isn’t not looking forward to it. They return to the hotel rooms to get ready; Jeongin even goes into Jisung and his dad’s room to wait after he’s done. 

“You were ready fast,” his dad comments, when Jeongin appears through the sliding glass doors. Sometimes his dad calls him a diva for taking so long to get dressed. 

Jeongin and his dad play sticks on the bed while they wait for Jisung. Jeongin wins over and over — his dad starts hitting his fingers way too hard and making a series of frustrated old man sounds, like rhhah and aiiirghhh then accuses him of cheating. Jeongin yells that there is literally no way to cheat and his dad starts gesturing wildly and yelling I’m your father, show me some respect but he’s smiling and laughing the whole way through so Jeongin is too. 

“I’m ready!” Jisung says, after kind of a really long time, what was he even doing? 

“Wait,” Jeongin’s dad demands. “I’m about to win.”

He literally isn’t, it’s his turn, he has one dead hand and one finger, Jeongin has four fingers, he’s actually already lost. 

“It looks like you already lost, honey,” Jisung says before Jeongin can. Jeongin bursts into giggles. 

Jeongin’s dad gets up without acknowledging it. “Let’s leave.”

“Kay— oh, wait!” Jisung starts looking around the room. “Let me get my camera.” He glances around the room, clicking his tongue. “I’m not sure where I put it…” He starts rifling through his stuff. He checks his backpack, and then Jeongin’s dad’s backpack, and then Jeongin’s dad’s stuff.

Jisung hums in thought, his lips pressed together. He goes in the bathroom. 

“I found it!” Jisung comes out with a little retro camcorder. Ugh, that’s kind of cool. Jeongin kind of wants one too. Jisung is kind of cool. 

Minho pinches Jisung’s chin, grinning. “Proud of you.” He pulls him into his side and plants a kiss on his hair; Jisung giggles. 

Jeongin squints, processing.

Then, he seethes.

When Jeongin got a 1550 on the SAT, his dad hummed and nodded. When he graduated high school with a 4.4 GPA, he patted his shoulder awkwardly and said good job. When he got into Berkeley, he said nice. He has never heard the words proud of you come out of his father’s mouth, in any context, not once.

And Jeongin was fine with that. His dad never put that much pressure on him at all, he just wanted him to work hard and get good grades, so it’s not like Jeongin was failing to meet some impossible standard. And he did say mmm and good job and nice. He made him his favorite meals and got him little gifts and took him to the restaurants saved for special occasions. It’s not like his accomplishments went unacknowledged. Jeongin never really thought that his dad wasn’t proud of him; he’s just not the type to say I’m proud of you.

At least, Jeongin thought. 

Apparently, he’s proud of his twenty five year old boyfriend for… Locating a camera? And he can express that. Explicitly. Out loud. With ease. 

So… Maybe he’s not proud of Jeongin?

“Jeongin?” Jisung waves his hand in front of his face a little. 

“Sorry.” Jeongin blinks. “What?” 

“Are you okay?” Jisung asks. 

“I’m hungry,” Jeongin says. He’s not really hungry. 

Jisung tilts his head. “We just ate?”

“What do you want?” His dad immediately asks. “I have snacks.” He crouches and starts digging through his suitcase. 

Jeongin feels a little better. 

Paddle boarding goes well. Jeongin has a lot of core strength but very little balance so he keeps falling off at first, but it’s kinda fun. The water is warm. His dad just paddles out and lays down, so Jisung and Jeongin circle around him like sharks.

Jeongin pretends to fall off at one point and then swims over to flip his dad into the water. Jisung cackles; his dad throws out a I brought you into this world but it’s a fun one so Jeongin laughs too. Jisung says …Isn’t he adopted? and Jeongin laughs harder. 

But he can’t stop thinking about it. 

Proud of you. He’s proud of Jisung. He’s proud of Jisung for finding a camera. That makes no sense at all, Jeongin didn’t even know those words were in his lexicon. Apparently they are. Just not for Jeongin. I’m proud of you and I love you are reserved for his boyfriend. 

His dad and Jisung are bickering about something at dinner, he thinks it might be about anime which is pretty funny and Jeongin could make fun of them for being fucking nerds but he can’t stop thinking about it. 

Maybe his dad couldn’t say it before, but he does say it now. Like, maybe he grew into I’m proud of you and Jeongin just hasn’t done anything to make him proud yet. 

“I got straight As last semester,” Jeongin blurts. He thinks he might be interrupting Jisung halfway through a sentence, but he’s not sure. He’s gotten straight As every semester, his dad knows that, but Jeongin says it anyway. 

“Um.” His dad turns to him. “…Okay?”

Jeongin’s shoulders slump. He tries not to make it obvious. 

“That’s—” Jisung looks at Jeongin, then at Jeongin’s dad, then back at Jeongin. He smiles. “That’s really cool, Jeongin.” He jostles Jeongin’s dad a little. “Isn’t that cool, Minho?”

“Um.” He looks at Jisung strangely. “He should be getting As.”

Jisung presses his lips together. “But it’s still nice that he did it, right?” He grits. 

“I guess?” Minho tilts his head at him. “He’s always gotten As.”

“That’s—” Jisung sighs. He glances at Jeongin. “But isn’t that really good, though? That he’s always gotten As?” 

His dad side-eyes Jisung. “That’s what he should be doing.” 

“But he’s still doing it, though.”

“…Because it’s what he should be doing.”

“But—” Jisung huffs. “But even if he should be doing it, he could still not be doing it, and he is doing it, so it’s good that he is doing it.”

Jeongin’s dad squints. “What?”

“He’s— he obviously works really hard,” Jisung says, leadingly. 

“Good.”

Jisung perks up. “It is good!” 

“He should be working hard.”

Jisung deflates again. “No. I mean, yes, but—” He struggles. “It’s still— it’s still really cool that he works so hard and does so well, right?”

“You do well when you work hard, that’s not cool,” his dad argues. “That’s life.”

“Just say you’re proud of him, Minho!” Jisung shouts. Jeongin jumps a little. 

His dad tilts his head. He stares at Jisung strangely for a moment. He looks at Jeongin. “Is that what you want?” 

Jeongin crosses his arms. He sits up straighter. “No.”

“Okay.” His dad goes back to his food. 

Jisung sighs and slumps in his seat, helpless and defeated. 

Jeongin just tries to forget about it. 

It was never something he thought about before. He tries to go back to that. There’s no reason to think about it now. It was never something he thought about before. 

He stares at the ceiling and thinks about it for hours until he passes out. 

He’s tired the next day. He doesn’t get that much sleep. He actually doesn’t feel that pissed anymore, just tired. 

He wants to go out on the balcony. He peeks out — Jisung is already there. He goes outside anyway. 

“Good morning,” Jeongin rasps. 

Jisung jumps a little. He shakes his head, blinking, then breaks out into a massive smile. “Good morning!” 

Jeongin sits down. He curls his knees into his chest. 

“Your dad is—”

His dad comes out of the sliding glass door with two little mugs. 

He steps around Jisung to hand Jeongin a coffee. He didn’t even know he was awake? Oh, he’s giving Jeongin the coffee he made for himself. He hands Jisung what appears to be a cup of tea, before doing a double take on Jeongin. 

“What’s wrong with you?” He immediately asks. 

Jeongin’s face sours. 

“Maybe you could just say what’s wrong,” Jisung suggests. 

“He knows what I mean,” his dad brushes him off. “Did you not sleep?”

Jeongin shrugs.

“You didn’t sleep. You shouldn’t drink coffee.” His dad snatches the cup from his hands. “You should nap.” 

“But—”

“No,” his dad definitively interrupts. “Do you want to nap here or at the beach?” 

“Um. I don’t know.”

“Are you hungry?” 

He didn’t sleep well, his stomach kind of hurts. “Not really.”

His dad clicks his tongue. “You should eat.” 

“Why would you even ask if—”

“I’ll make you rice,” he cuts him off. “Sungie, you want rice?” 

“Uh, sure,” Jisung says. He sounds kind of out of breath?

His dad disappears back into the hotel room. 

“He really goes into dad mode, huh,” Jisung says, staring after him. 

Jeongin shrugs. “He’s just like that.”

Jisung is leaning to keep looking at him. His lip is caught between his teeth. He shifts in his seat. 

Jeongin’s head falls at a right angle over the back of the chair. “Are you turned on, Jisung?” 

“No!” Jisung shouts, too fast and too loud. 

“Are you still in therapy?” Jeongin looks at him. “Please tell me you’re still actively in therapy.”

Jisung looks at his lap. He mumbles, “I am.”

“No shame,” Jeongin says. “But you— wait. No shame for the therapy,” he clarifies. “Definitely be ashamed of this, I’m his actual son.”

“I know,” Jisung mutters, clearly ashamed. 

Jeongin shakes his head disapprovingly. “Disgusting.”

Jisung looks up at him, but then can’t make eye contact. “Don’t tell him.”

“I never want to talk or think about this ever again for the rest of my life,” Jeongin promises. “Don’t worry.”

They sit in silence for a couple minutes. 

Jisung coughs. “...I feel like we kinda bonded yesterday, right?” 

“Do not do this to me right now, Jisung.” 

“Yeahokay,” Jisung rapidly agrees, ducking his gaze back into his lap. 

They sit in silence until his dad comes back out with the food. Jeongin mutters a thank you and quickly starts eating. He has this down to a science: pick up rice–stick rice to seaweed–put in mouth–bite of kimchi–start next while chewing. Like an assembly line. He always has a bite of food in his mouth. Jisung is watching him. 

“You’re the most efficient eater I’ve ever seen in my life,” Jisung observes. 

Jeongin’s dad snorts. “Efficient is a nice way to put it.”

Jeongin ignores them and keeps eating. 

“You’d think I starved him,” his dad grumbles. 

“He just has so much good food to eat!” Jisung coos. “He needs to get it all in.”

“You’re adorable and I love you,” his dad blurts. It kind of sounds like it burst out of him by accident. 

Jeongin pauses mid-bite. Jisung definitely notices. His dad is too busy looking at Jisung to notice. 

He goes back to eating. Whatever. Whatever. He never thought about it before. 

Jeongin insists that he can carry his own towel to the beach, but his dad carries it for him anyway and then lays it out in the sand for him. He appears to have brought an extra towel, which he rolls up as a makeshift pillow for him. Jeongin lays down. The sun is shining bright, he can see it behind his eyelids. 

“I forgot my sunglasses,” Jeongin grumbles, just to complain a little.

His dad takes off his sunglasses and shoves them on Jeongin’s face with way too much aggression, they stab him in the ear. 

“Ow!” 

“You’re fine,” his dad asserts. “Put on sunscreen.”

Jeongin gets comfy on his towel, settling in. “I already did.”

His dad sucks his teeth. “Put on more.” 

“Why do I need to put on more?” 

“I need to make sure you put on enough.”

“I did put on enough.” 

“Let me do it.” His dad smacks his shoulder. 

“I already did it,” Jeongin grumbles, but he also sits up because he’s already been accosted with sunscreen once on this trip. 

His dad stands up, circling around Jeongin and thoroughly coating him in sunscreen. He sits obedient and still despite it being freezing. His dad hums when he’s done. 

“Are you happy?” Jeongin asks as lays back down, settling in once more. 

“Stop with the attitude,” his dad demands. 

Jeongin just closes his eyes and falls asleep. 

He wakes up, he doesn’t know how much later, to his dad and Jisung whispering. 

“We have to see what he wants to do,” Jisung whispers. 

“But what do you want to do?” 

“I don’t want to suggest anything,” Jisung responds. “I want him to choose.” 

“Okay, but you can tell me.” 

“No, because then you’re going to push for it,” Jisung argues. “And I don’t even care what we do.”

Okay, cool, whatever. His dad prioritizes Jisung over him, cool. And Jisung knows it. And Jisung is the only one who cares about it. Got it.

His dad just hums.

“Let’s just—” Jisung exhales. “We’ll do literally whatever he wants to do, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You promise?” Jisung asks. “Whatever he suggests, we’re doing.”

His dad doesn’t answer. 

“Okay?” Jisung asks.

“But—”

“He’s miserable, Minho,” Jisung interrupts, pleading. It’s true, he’s right. “Let’s try to make this a little fun for him.”

His dad sighs. “Okay.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“Good.” 

They sit in silence. 

“Baby,” his dad says. There’s another long beat of silence. “Thank you.”

Mouth sounds. Ugh. Jeongin starts to sit up. 

But then:

“I love you, Sungie,” Jeongin’s dad mumbles. “Love you so much.”

Jeongin doesn’t care. He doesn’t care. He’s never cared before. 

But. 

Jeongin can’t remember the last time his dad said I love you to him. He wonders if his dad says it quietly because he knows it's upsetting him. Or not — not upsetting, he’s not upset. But it’s annoying. Really annoying. And there’s pressure in his throat. And eyes. 

He knows for a fact his dad loves him. He made him dinner every night for eighteen years. He packed his lunches until he graduated high school. He kind of still makes him dinner and packs his lunches through sending him back to school with so much food. His dad did his laundry until the day he moved out. Jeongin admittedly still brings home his laundry for him to do sometimes — his dad will click his tongue and call him spoiled but he’ll still do it with no further complaints. Jeongin had lowkey never done a chore in his life until he moved out. 

One time he said Buldak kimchi ramen was his favorite and suddenly his house was full of cases of Buldak kimchi ramen. The same happened with yuzu pepper shrimp chips and melon Fanta and, like, a hundred other things through the years, honestly. There is always mint chocolate chip ice cream in their freezer. He has received so much random bullshit from his dad over the years, he’s like a cat dropping a dead bird at Jeongin’s feat constantly. Jeongin cherishes his dead birds, though. He knows his dad loves him, he doesn’t need to say it out loud. 

Jisung just gets to hear it all the time, though?  

And the fucking pet names. He never even calls him Jisung, he’s always baby and Sungie and sweetheart. Like, what the fuck? He called Jeongin Innie every once in a while when he was a kid and then stopped. He didn’t even know his dad had this much affection, he didn’t know he was capable of this. It’s fucking weird. 

“Love you,” Jisung murmurs back. “So much. I love you.” Mouth sounds. “I’d do anything for you.”

Jeongin squints his eyes open, he can’t do this anymore. Jisung is pulling away; Jeongin’s dad chases his lips and connects them again. Jeongin clears his throat. They both jump.

“Shit.” Jisung holds his hand over his heart. “Oh my god, sorry. I thought you were sleeping.”

Jisung makes a face. “So you were just going to make out next to my unconscious form?” 

“We weren’t making out,” his dad argues. 

“You literally were, I heard it.”

“That wasn’t making out.”

“Ugh!” Jeongin shakes his whole body, trying to rid himself of that statement, not wanting to think into what that means any further. 

“What do you wanna do tonight, Jeongin?” Jisung asks, not lingering on that any further either. Good. 

“We’re doing a resort bar crawl,” Jeongin immediately answers. “We’re hitting every bar in the resort, all three of us are getting wasted.” 

Hi dad scrunches his nose up. “What? N—”

Jisung sends him a look. Again with the look, why is this twenty year old twink sending Jeongin’s dad looks? 

It’s to Jeongin’s benefit, though. They exchange a series of looks, Jeongin has learned enough about this dynamic that he knows his dad is going to buckle.

“Sungie, you don’t even—”

“It’ll be fun,” Jisung cuts him off. He looks at Jeongin. “I haven’t been wasted since college!” 

He was in college last year, and his boyfriend is forty four, but whatever. 

“We’ll have fun,” Jisung continues. “Right, bab– Minho?”

His dad just sighs. 

Jeongin is sitting in the sand and watching them giggle in the ocean. He can hear both of them laughing, even though they’re pretty far away. His dad can’t swim; they stay in the shallow end, splashing each other.

Jeongin feels like he’s watching from behind a glass wall. He feels like he’s watching happy couple at beach stock footage. Or, like, happy age gap gay couple at beach stock footage. 

His dad picks Jisung up and swings him around. Jisung is laughing. Jeongin curls up in a ball, wrapping his arms around his legs, setting his chin on his knees. His dad sets Jisung down and starts planting kisses all over Jisung’s face. Jisung puts both hands on the back of Jeongin’s dad’s neck and kisses him, long and slow. Jeongin’s dad loops his arms around his waist, pulling him closer, pressing their bodies together. 

Jisung pulls back and looks towards the beach — towards Jeongin — as an afterthought. Jeongin pretends he wasn’t watching. 

After they’re done giggling and kissing in the ocean, Jisung announces that he needs to go back to the room and shower. 

His dad looks at Jeongin. “Do you wanna go on a walk?”

Jeongin stands up a little straighter. “Yeah.” He hopes he doesn’t sound too eager. That’s embarrassing. 

“Okay, I’ll see you guys in a little bit.” Jisung leans in and kisses Jeongin’s dad’s cheek. “Love you!”

He immediately looks guilty, like he caught himself. He looks at Jeongin with straight up pity. Jeongin’s blood starts to run hotter. 

His dad squeezes Jisung’s side. “Love you so much.” He leans in and kisses Jisung on the cheek too, murmurs in his ear. “More than anything.”

Jeongin inhales sharply. His blood boils, his chest closes in, crushing his lungs and heart. 

Jisung doesn’t look at Jeongin this time. He’s too busy staring at Jeongin’s dad, stars in his eyes. His dad presses a kiss to Jisung’s forehead, then turns to Jeongin. 

“Ready?” 

Jeongin turns around and stomps away. He tries not to stomp all the way back to the room, he doesn’t need to make a scene in front of other resort patrons, but it takes a lot of self control. He slams the hotel room door open, it falls shut with a bang. 

He collapses face down on his bed. 

He does remember when his dad last told him he loved him. It’s only happened one time. He lied when he said he didn’t remember. He just doesn’t like to think about it. 

It was the ten year anniversary of his dad’s death, it was a weird day for Jeongin. His dad had been strange for weeks, Jeongin didn’t know what to do about that and he didn’t particularly know how to feel about the whole situation in general so he mostly just ignored it. His dad did too.

Jeongin was eleven, he was worried about making new friends in middle school and getting used to switching classes every day. Plus, he doesn’t remember his other dad, not at all, there’s nothing to miss. And his (alive) dad gives him everything he needs, he’s not missing anything from his life. 

He does kind of feel like he misses his other dad sometimes. Maybe. But he’s missing a blank space. There’s nothing there. It’s not even just that he doesn’t remember him, he doesn’t know anything about him. He doesn’t know what he’s missing, not even a little bit. Can he even still miss him, then?

He thinks he might’ve just been taking on his dad’s grief, because his dad was obviously grieving. On the day and the weeks surrounding it. He never said anything — of course not, when does he ever — and they never talked about it but on the actual anniversary he hugged Jeongin and said I love you and it felt weird as fuck. He never did that. Jeongin didn’t know how to take it in. 

Sometimes he kinda wishes he did, though. Take it in. Because he literally never heard it again.

Which is fine. Obviously. He knows his dad loves him, he does. 

Or he did. 

He was completely comfortable with the fact that his dad’s love came in the form of cheese buldak and mint chocolate chip ice cream and silly little gifts and bags upon bags of home cooked food and cups of coffee and lighthearted scolding, he always has been. But apparently, he actually does express his love in other ways. A lot of other ways. Through pet names and hand holding and hugs and arms slung around shoulders and kisses on foreheads and by saying it. He says it all the time. 

Just not to Jeongin. 

He wonders what’s so special about Jisung that he brought out this side of his dad. Jeongin wonders why he didn’t bring it out. He’s his child, if he’s capable of this sort of love why doesn’t he give it to Jeongin? 

Jeongin was genuinely fine with their dynamic before this, he saw no issue with it whatsoever. There was no issue with it. 

But Jisung gets so much more. Jisung gets all the things Jeongin gets and more. He loves Jeongin — but he loves Jisung more. 

When Jeongin gets up, there’s a wet circle where his face was. 

Jeongin is in quite possibly the worst mood of his life. But he got his dad to agree to getting wasted with him, so he’s going to take this once in a lifetime opportunity while he can. His dad doesn’t drink very much at all, before Jeongin went to college he reminded him of the dangers of underage drinking and that alcohol is poison like, ten times.

His dad does not look pleased as they make their way to the first bar. Jisung, on the other hand, is holding his hand, swinging it back and forth, humming a little bit.  Neither of them ask any questions about Jeongin’s storming off. They must know why; they must not care. 

“We’re going to have so much fun,” Jisung says. “We’re going to enjoy ourselves so much.”

Jeongin’s dad hums noncommittally. Jeongin ignores him. He hopes it’ll be fun. Mostly he’s enjoying this infinitesimal amount of power he’s holding over his dad right now. Granted to him by Jisung, unfortunately, but still. He’s never seen his dad super drunk. Maybe it will be fun.  

They go to one of the outdoor bars on the beach first, Jisung suggests it so they can watch the sunset. Jeongin orders shots without consulting either of them immediately upon arrival. Mostly because he knows if he asks they’ll say no and he’s kind of trying to piss his dad off. 

“Jisung cannot do a shot of tequila, Jeongin,” his dad says, exactly as predicted. 

“Yes I can!” Jisung argues.

Jeongin’s dad is the one sending Jisung a look this time. “I’m going to have to carry you home.”

Jisung sits up a little straighter. He squirms in his seat. Jeongin doesn’t even bother with his ugh, he’s resolved to ignore every disgusting thing they do tonight. He’s making the best of this. 

His dad immediately gets all curmudgeonly upon discovering that they only serve food at the restaurant bars. Jeongin acts annoyed at him but he admittedly also wants to eat so he promises they will go to a restaurant next. 

When they get the shots, his dad grits his teeth and asks, “This is your first shot ever, right Jeongin?”

Jeongin throws the shot back and slams it back on the bar with a bang. “Yup.”

His dad closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He shakes his head a little. He opens his eyes, and throws his shot back too.

Jisung is hyping himself up. “Okay.” He shakes his hand out. “Okay okay okay, I can do this.”

“You absolutely do not have to,” Jeongin’s dad says. 

“You don’t have to,” Jeongin echos. He’s kind of pissed, but he also isn’t going to be like the villain in an anti-bullying campaign video about peer pressure. 

Jisung holds his nose and takes the shot. His whole face twists up, his eyes squeeze shut, he starts rapidly shaking his head back and forth and making a series of mm-mm mm-mm mm-mm sounds. He coughs like a child, with his tongue curled and sticking out, directly onto Jeongin’s father, who actually looks like he is barely containing laughter. He rubs Jisung’s back. 

“You’re okay, baby!” he coos, the laughter coming through in little bursts. 

“That was awful and I hated it and I need something else to drink right now,” Jisung responds. He turns to Jeongin. “But we’re having so much fun!” 

His dad flags the bartender and gets all three of them water, and Jeongin immediately demands round two. His dad says waitwaitwait and then changes Jeongin’s shot order to mixed drinks, but that’s fine. 

So they’re sitting on one of the wicker couches they have set on the sand. Jeongin’s drink is empty on the table in front of him as is his dad’s. Jisung has made it about halfway. 

Once again, Jeongin feels like he is invisible. 

Jisung is locked in on the sunset. His face is already flushed, he’s kind of swaying a little bit, he actually probably shouldn’t finish that drink. He looks absolutely in awe. The sunset is beautiful, yes, but Jisung looks like he's having a spiritual experience disproportionate to the view in front of them. 

Of course, Jeongin’s dad is staring at Jisung. 

“It’s pretty, right?” Jisung asks. He sounds breathless, his lips are parted, he hasn’t looked away from the sky once. 

“Not as pretty as you,” Jeongin’s dad replies, without skipping a beat. 

Jisung doesn’t even shove him and say stooop. Instead, he smiles and grabs Jeongin’s dad’s arm to put around himself. Jeongin watches from behind that glass wall as Jisung snuggles into his side, holding his hand, wrapping himself up. 

“Jeongin.” Jisung turns to look at him. Jeongin jumps; glass shatters in his ears. “Come here.” 

“Um.” Jeongin glances around. “What?”

Jisung lets go of Jeongin’s dad’s hand and gestures towards himself. He holds his arm out. “Come here.”

For some reason, Jeongin does. 

It’s the alcohol. That’s the reason, and the only reason. He slips under Jisung’s arm. He lets Jisung wrap his arm around his shoulder. He doesn’t lean in, or anything, but he lets it happen. 

Jeongin’s dad is sloppy drunk. 

For some inexplicable reason, he decided to go drink for drink with Jeongin. Jeongin, of course, takes that as a challenge. He will outdrink his father. So when they move from the bar on the beach to the restaurant bar, Jeongin starts absolutely throwing them back. 

Jeongin is fine. He’s not sloppy drunk at all, he is keeping his hands to himself flawlessly. In fact, his arms are crossed, he’s shrinking away from his dad and Jisung, he’s doing a fantastic job at keeping his hands to himself. 

The same cannot be said about his father. 

He finds a new way to surprise Jeongin every day this godforsaken trip continues. This backfired on him immensely. His dad is overly affectionate towards Jisung when he’s sober — that comes nowhere near what Jeongin is being forced to witness right now. 

Jisung stopped drinking, but he’s tipsy enough that he seems to forget that Jeongin is there. His dad keeps nosing Jisung’s neck and whispering things into his hair. Jisung is flushed so red it’s concerning. 

“My little baby,” Jeongin’s dad mumbles into Jisung’s hair. “My good boy.” 

“I can hear you,” Jeongin snaps. God, is his dad a fucking pervert? His dad is a pervert! This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to Jeongin ever, and his other dad died when he was an infant. 

Jisung stares up at Jeongin’s dad with stars in his eyes, face flushed splotchy red from the alcohol. He suddenly jumps and whips towards Jeongin, he literally forgot Jeongin was there. He pushes Jeongin’s dad’s head away, but keeps fingers tangled in his hair. His dad is swaying in his seat a little. 

“We should probably go back, right?” Jisung says. Even though he’s wasted, he has the decency to look embarrassed. 

“Yeah,” Jeongin deadpans. 

Jeongin doesn’t say goodnight before he slams his door shut. He’s sure neither of them notice.

He goes through the motions of doing his skincare while he stares at himself blankly in the mirror. It’s not something he’d ever admit out loud or even to himself if he wasn’t wasted, but he kind of wishes he looked like his dad. 

He’s not sure why. Maybe it’s that he’s never felt less connected to his dad in his life; he wishes they had something tangible. Maybe when they get home he’ll root around his dad’s office for adoption papers to shove them in his face and say “look, remember how you chose me?”

He’ll never actually do that. 

The room suddenly feels so humid that he’s going to throw up. He stumbles towards the door to get some air, but when he slides the door open:

“What are you doing?” Jeongin asks. 

Jisung doesn’t look up from staring at the ocean. He has his knees pulled up to his chest, chin resting in his knees. “Not really tired yet.”

“Oh.” Jeongin hovers awkwardly. 

Jisung gestures vaguely next to him. “Sit down.” 

Jeongin does, for some reason. The air does make the nausea better. Or maybe Jisung just shocked it out of him. 

“I’m gonna be so real with you dude,” Jisung suddenly says. “I’m tired.” 

Those words enter Jeongin’s brain like sludge. “Huh?”

“I just—” Jisung reaches towards the sky and lets his arms fall like deadweight above his head.  “I’m trying really hard to be, like, likable, and it’s obviously not working, and I’m tired.” 

Jeongin doesn’t know what to say to that. 

“I’m not always like this,” Jisung adds. He finally looks over at Jeongin. “I’m trying to be, like, bubbly and agreeable and likable and it’s obviously not working and I’m tired. I think I’m trying really hard to act like an adult— I mean!” He suddenly sits up straight, letting his feet fall to the ground. “I am an adult! I am! But not—” He closes his eyes and sways a little. “I’m obviously not an adult like your dad’s an adult, I know that. He knows that. We talk about it a lot.”

Well, that’s good. That’s the very least they could do. 

“But, like—” Jisung presses his lips together in a little pout, his eyes still closed. “This is not how I would be talking to you if, like, Changbin introduced us, you know? Like. This is so weird.” 

“I’ve been saying that.”

“I know!” Jisung opens his eyes too wide and nods too fast. “And I agree! And I just—” He gestures wildly. “I’m trying to impress you and I’m also trying to impress my boyfriend, you know? Who’s so much older than me and—” He heaves out a massive breath. “And I’ve never— I’ve never dated anyone with a kid, before, let alone a kid that’s twenty, so it’s just like.” He stares off into nothing, past Jisung at the sliding glass door. “I don’t really know what to do, or how to act, and I’m just trying to be nice, because I want you to like me so bad.” 

Jeongin shifts uncomfortably. This is extremely honest. 

Jisung looks at him with wide and serious eyes, more serious than Jisung has ever seen him. “You’re so important to him, Jeongin. I don’t know what happens if you don’t like me.”

Jeongin coughs and looks away.

“And I really, really love him. I know that’s your dad, sorry. But. Like.” He closes his eyes again. “We’re so in love,” he finishes, soft and wobbly. “I know that’s super gross for you, sorry.” 

“It’s fine."

Jisung sighs massively. He stares at Jeongin. “We both just want you to be happy.”

“I’m never gonna be happy about my father dating a twenty five year old SoundCloud rapper twink, Jisung,” Jeongin states. “Like, whatever. I’ll live with it.” He shrugs. It looks like he’s going to have to, his dad loves Jisung more than anything. “But I’m never going to be happy about it.”

Jisung presses his palms into his eyes. “Jeongin, like, I just— Please.”  He looks back up at him — this time he looks irritated. “I know I’m fucking your dad. I know that sucks. But also, like. Please imagine that you are in love with someone, and then you discover that the absolute most important person in their life by a long shot is, like, a hot and cool and also very well dressed and extremely judgmental mutual friend who hates you immediately.” 

“Don’t call me hot, you’re fucking my dad,” Jeongin demands. 

“That’s my bad,” Jisung admits. “You know what I meant.”

Jeongin stares at the ocean. 

“I know you don’t get it,” Jisung continues. “I know you think it’s weird. But maybe you could just, like, respect it?” He does a big, dramatic shrug. “You don’t have to get it. I don’t expect you to get it. But just, like, throw me a little respect. Like, fuck, dude.” He exhales a heavy breath. “I’m trying so hard.”

Jeongin thinks about that. 

“I’msosorrywasthattoo— ”

“No,” Jeongin interrupts. “That’s, like. The first real thing you’ve said to me.”

“Oh,” Jisung says. He adjusts himself in his seat, he wasn’t expecting that and now he has to reset. “Okay.” 

Jeongin wishes there was music playing. They’re sitting in a lot of silence. The sound of the ocean is roaring, a little too loud, and Jeongin already feels blood rushing in his ears. It’s stifling. 

“So how would you have talked to me?” Jeongin asked. “If we met through Changbin.” 

“Probably about how much Changbin and Hyunjin suck.” 

Jeongin scoffs. “You’re such a fucking hypocrite.”

“No.” Jisung rapidly shakes his head. “No I’m not, are you joking? They’re awful.” 

To be fair, Changbin and Hyunjin are awful. More overtly, at least. Jisung and Jeongin’s dad are just worse because, well. It’s Jeongin’s dad. 

“You and my dad are awful,” Jeongin stubbornly insists. 

“Not like them, though! We have some decency! Hyunjin jerked him off in my car once!” 

Laughter burst through Jeongin’s lips

“I literally went in to buy a va—” Jisung paused. He shrunk in on himself a little, ashamed.“Don’t tell your dad I vape, I’m embarrassed.” 

“You hide your nicotine addiction from my dad?” 

“Yes, but I’m quitting,” 

More laughter pours out of Jeongin. “You’re not fucking quitting.” 

“I am quitting! I'm going to!”

“Okay, sure.” 

“I am! I’m— that’s not the point.” Jisung shakes his whole body to shake off that conversation.“I left them in my car for five minutes and Hyunjin jerked him off in my backseat!”

“That doesn’t surprise me at all,” Jeongin answers. “He had his dick in Changbin while we were watching Love is Blind. They thought I couldn’t tell.” 

“Me and your dad would never do that!” Jisung pauses to think for a moment. “Well, definitely not in front of you.” 

“Jisung!” 

“Also, Love is Blind is such a weird show to fuck to,” Jisung promptly moves on. 

“They weren’t really, like, fucking.” 

Jisung nods and mmm s. “Cockwarming.” 

“Don’t say cockwarming!” Jeongin shrieks. 

“What?” Jisung sits up straighter, throwing his hands up. “You’re the one who brought it up!” 

“Ugh.”

“That didn’t piss you off?” Jisung asks. 

“Eh.” Jeongin shrugs. “I wasn’t really supposed to be there, I kinda just came in and sat down, so it’s not their fault. But then I got invested in the show.” 

“They suck.” 

“They suck so bad.” Jeongin pauses for a moment. “But I’d watch the sex tape.” 

Jisung puts both hands on the side of the chair and twists towards Jeongin. “No, me too.” He pauses for a moment. “Are you queer?” 

“I dunno. But Hyunjin’s super fucking hot.” 

Jisung gasps. “Oh my god.” He blinks. “Oh my god, are you in love with Hyunjin?” 

“Ugh, no.” Jeongin tastes that accusation in his mouth like expired milk. “Yuck. No. He’s just hot.” 

Jisung exhales a sigh of relief. “Dude, that’d be crazy,” he mumbles. “That would be, like, the craziest moral dilemma of all time for me.”

“I think if I tried to take Hyunjin from Changbin he’d actually kill me.”

“Changbin couldn’t kill anyone,” Jisung asserts. “Chris and I would have to deal with a psychological emergency so severe it’d ruin all three of our lives, though.” 

“So, like. The three of you are friends?” 

“Yeah. They’re my best friends.” 

“That’s cool. I really like them.” 

“Yeah, they’re really good guys.” 

They both sit there in silence. 

“I’m going to say this as tactfully as possible,” Jisung clasps his hands in his lap. “I know your dad is super horny for me, and I’m sorry.”

“Ugh!” Jeongin yells. “How is that tactful at all, Jisung?”

“I just— How else am I supposed to say it!” Jisung’s hands flap around. “The point is I— I really try, to. Like. Keep it to a minimum, I swear.”

“He’s fucking disgusting about you,” Jeongin grumbles. 

Jisung plays with the strings of his sweats, smiling, squirming in his seat a little. He sighs dreamily. “Yeah.” He startles, looking up, panic all over his features like he suddenly remembered where he was and who he was talking to. “I mean— no, yeah. It’s— I’m sorry.”

“Please be honest,” Jeongin says. “Do you call him daddy?” 

Jisung looks away. 

Jeongin brings his knees to his chest, curling up in a ball. “I’m gonna cry.” 

“Only a couple times,” Jisung clarifies. “Not on a regular basis, he doesn’t like it that much.” 

Jeongin has no idea why he asked. His head falls back onto the chair. 

He suddenly unfurls. “But you like it?” He groans. “Ugh! He doesn’t like it that much?” 

“You asked me, Jeongin!” Jisung yells, high-pitched and stressed. 

“Eww,” Jeongin whines. 

“He said you never called him daddy, though, so.” Jisung shrugs. 

“So it’s just— just open for the taking?”

“Umm…” Jisung looks back and forth. “Kind of, yeah.”

“Ugh.” 

Jisung sits in contemplative silence for a moment. “Is your dick really big too?”

Jeongin rubs both hands across his face. “Why would you ask me that, Jisung?” 

“You just asked me if I call your dad daddy!” Jisung says by means of defending himself. 

“And you do, so you should have way more shame right now.” Jeongin shakes his head in disbelief. “Asking about my dick…” He clicks his tongue. 

Jisung’s voice raises half an octave. “I’m just curious! His dick is really—”

“Shut up,” Jeongin interrupts. “Shut up right now. Do not keep talking.”

“Just, because, like, you’re his son, and you might also—”

“I’m adopted,” Jeongin cuts him off. 

“Oh.” Jisung thinks about it. “Right.”

“But I do,” Jeongin finishes. “And I’m telling my dad you asked that.”

“Don’t tell him!” Jisung shrills. “What the fuck? I thought we were bonding!” 

“We were bonding until you asked me about my dick size.”

“I’m just trying to get to know you!”

“Through my dick size, Jisung?” 

“I’m— Wait.” Jisung pauses. He breaks into a massive grin. “You think we were bonding?” 

“Not anymore,” Jeongin says. He pulls out his phone and starts scrolling. 

“No!” Jisung whines. “Hang up and hang out!” 

That makes a laugh burst through Jeongin’s lips. He’s once again reminded that they’re in the same friend group. Everyone always says that. 

Jeongin ignores him. 

“If you don’t hang up and hang out I’m going to start rapping,” 

“Don’t start rapping.”

“Sicker than you—”

Jeongin immediately bursts into laughter. 

“Bigger than y—”

“Stop,” Jeongin gasps. He puts his phone down.

Jisung pauses for a moment, but doesn’t stop. “Yeah I’m famous—”

“You aren’t famous!” Jeongin yells through his laughter. “You’re my dad’s sugar baby!” 

Jisung bursts into laughter too. They both sit there gasping for air, laughing so hard it goes silent. Jeongin is dizzy. He’s not sure if it’s from the alcohol or the lack of oxygen. 

Jisung heaves in a deep breath. “First of all,” he says, suddenly very serious. “I’m a cybersecurity analyst.” 

Jeongin starts laughing harder. He kind of feels like he’s going to throw up. 

“And I—” Jisung bursts into giggles again, he can’t get whatever he was going to say out. 

It doesn’t matter. Jeongin is still laughing anyway. He’s pretty sure he hasn’t laughed this much since they got here. Now that he’s laughing he can’t stop. Jisung pulls the strings of his hoodie so it obstructs his face, his whole body is shaking. 

It starts to settle down. But then he looks at Jisung, all red and hidden in his hoodie, clutching to the strings for dear life and it starts again. Jisung takes a few calming breaths. He stops laughing. He removes the hood from his head.

He looks at Jeongin, and he starts laughing again. 

Jeongin gasps for air. “Stop!”

“You stop!” Jisung cackles. 

“Okay.” Jeongin sucks in a massive breath. “Okay.” A couple stray laughs burst through his lips. He ducks his head and takes more deep breaths. Another extra long inhale, followed by a massive exhale through pursed lips. Jisung collapses onto his back again, his chest heaving. 

They both sit like that, catching their breath, feeling the cool air on their skin. The ocean sounds a bit prettier, now. 

“I’m not trying to, like, replace your other dad,” Jisung suddenly says. 

“Obviously not,” Jeongin scoffs. “You can’t be my dad, Jisung, you’re literally my age.” He looks at his lap. He starts playing with his fingers. “And I don’t even remember my dad, so.” 

“I know he was, like…” Jisung sighs heavily. “I know he was really special to Min— I mean, your dad.” Jisung shakes his head a little. “Obviously. I just— and I know there are some similarities between us, and that might be weird —”

“What are the similarities?” Jeongin interrupts. He looks up at Jisung again. 

“Just,  like, the obvious ones.” Jisung gestures into the sky. “He made music, I make music. He did a lot of self help stuff, I do a lot of self help stuff. Stuff like that. It’s a little silly, but.” He shrugs. “I don’t know. I see why that would make you uncomfortable. 

Jeongin puffs out a bitter, incredulous laugh. “It sounds like you know more about my dead dad than I do.”

Jisung turns his head to look at him, his cheek on the ground. “What?”

“My dad never talks about him.” Jeongin says. “Literally never. Not once. That’s the most I’ve ever heard about him.”

Jisung’s eyebrows furrow together. “He does talk about him.”

“Not with me, Jisung,” Jeongin sighs out a frustrated breath. All those feelings from earlier are back. It’s so frustrating that Jisung doesn’t realize that Jeongin’s dad treats them so differently. Well, it’s good that he treats them differently, but, just. With such different levels of openness and trust and affection and love.  

“Oh,” Jisung says. His lips form a line. “I’m… Sorry.”

“It’s whatever.” Jeongin shrugs. His chest is aching and there’s pressure in his throat but it’s whatever. He should be used to this now, it’s obviously his new reality. His dad has shared more with Jisung than he’s ever shared with Jeongin. He shares more of himself and his life, he shares more affection, he shares more love. 

Jisung doesn’t say anything else. He looks back up at the sky. 

“What do you guys even talk about?” Jeongin asks. He keeps the other than my dead dad to himself. “What could you possibly have in common?”

“I dunno,” Jisung answers. “We kinda just — We click. We talk about a lot of stuff.” 

“Like what?” 

“Like…” Jisung thinks about it. “We both got outed and kicked out really young, so—"

“Wait, what?”  Jeongin cuts him off.

“Me and your dad?”  Jisung clarifies like that’s obvious. “We have that in common, so—"

“My dad got kicked out?” Jeongin interrupts again. “When he was really young?”

Jisung’s eyes go wide. “Um. Um…” He looks around wildly. “You didn’t know that?”

Jeongin shakes his head. 

“Was I not supposed to tell you that?” Jisung sits up to look at him. “Was that— You didn’t know that?”

Jeongin shakes his head. 

“Fuck,” Jisung exhales. “I’m so sorry.”

Jeongin closes his eyes. Jisung knows more about Jeongin’s dad than he ever has. They’re closer than Jeongin and his dad have ever been. 

“I’m so sorry,”  Jisung repeats. 

“It’s okay,” Jeongin says. His voice sounds distant, faraway. 

“You didn’t— You never asked about your grandparents?” 

That question would usually piss him off, but he actually just feels kind of numb. He’s so sick of this. He’s exhausted. 

“We don’t talk that much,” Jeongin answers. “At least. Not about anything that matters.” 

“Oh.” Jisung is silent for a moment. “Oh. I’m— I’m really really sorry, Jeongin.”

“It’s okay,” Jeongin repeats. It’s not really Jisung’s fault. 

They sit in silence that’s even worse than their first morning here. 

“How did you get him to treat you like that?” Jeongin blurts. 

“Um.” Jisung coughs. “Like what?”

“How did you get him to treat you like that?” Jeongin repeats. 

“Like… What?”

“Like.” Jeongin gestures vaguely. “He holds your hand. And kisses your forehead. And hugs you. And— and tells you that he’s proud of you. And that he loves you.”

Jisung blinks at him. 

“He doesn’t tell you he loves you?”

Jeongin sucks in a harsh breath, he closes his eyes because there’s tears welling up in them and he’s beyond embarrassed, this is so embarrassing. The alcohol is making him emotional and impulsive and the fact that Jisung is surprised that his dad doesn’t do those things for Jeongin is hitting him way too hard. It’s so natural for Jisung, it’s a given that he receives that affection, it’s strange to him that Jeongin doesn’t. It’s in such sharp contrast to Jeongin’s reality, where it’s strange that Jisung does receive affection, and it all feels so unfair. Minho is Jeongin’s dad. Jeongin is his son. 

“No,” Jeongin says. It comes out too harsh, he forces it out too much because he’s scared his voice will wobble if he doesn’t.

“Oh.”

“So what did you do?” Jeongin asks. 

“Um.” Jisung pauses. “Nothing, really.”

Jeongin puts his head in his knees. There are tears silently rolling down his face, he can’t stop it. 

“He’s never like that with you?” Jisung asks, in clear disbelief. 

“No, Jisung.” Jeongin’s voice does wobble this time. “Not at all.” 

“He just—” Jisung pauses. “I’m sorry. I only asked that ‘cause he loves you so much.” 

“He loves you more.”

“Oh,” Jisung reacts, Jeongin can hear the shock in his voice. “No, he definitely doesn’t.”

“He said it,” Jeongin argues. “He said—” He hiccups. He pretends like he didn’t. “I love you more than anything.” 

“Anything,” Jisung emphasizes. “Not anyone"

Jeongin doesn’t even care that there are hot tears on his face, he lifts his head out of his knees to stare at him with incredulity. 

“He doesn’t love me more than you," Jisung insists. “Not at all. You are the most important person in his life. He says it all the time.”

“He doesn’t even talk about me,” Jeongin scoffs. “You didn’t even know what school I went to.”

“Um, no, I did,” Jisung says. “I was just trying to make conversation.”

Jeongin doesn’t respond. He hadn’t considered that a possibility. 

“Maybe you should talk to him,” Jisung softly offers. 

Jeongin scoffs again. “About what?” 

“I don’t know.” Jisung shrugs. “Maybe tell him that you’d like to hear those things too?”

“I’d rather eat my own hand,” Jeongin immediately responds. 

Jisung sighs. “I get that. But… It’s normal to want to hear those things from your dad, Jeongin. You can want that.” 

“I’m never gonna get it, so.”

“He would do it. If you asked him to. He would do anything for you.” 

“He won’t break up with you,” Jeongin responds without thinking about it. 

Jisung doesn’t say anything. 

“I—” Jisung stops. “He probably would,” he says, softly. “That’s kind of— that’s a lot of why I’m so worried, to be honest.”

Jeongin looks up to make eye contact with him. There are tears wells up in Jisung's eyes. 

“You’re a good guy, Jisung,” Jeongin says. “But I really wish he would.” 

Jisung sniffs. Now he’s crying too, silent tears running down his face. 

“Okay,” Jisung responds. “He— he probably will, then.” 

“Sorry.”

Jisung half laughs, half sobs. He doesn’t say anything else. 

“I’m gonna go to bed.” Jeongin stands up. “Goodnight.” 

Jisung doesn’t say it back. 

Jeongin makes a half-hearted attempt at falling asleep. He’s still a little drunk but mostly he just feels sick and that whole conversation is swirling around in his mind in an indecipherable tornado that’s just making him dizzy and confused. 

He’s too hot, so he leaves the hotel room and sit in the sand. The ocean is pretty at night, deep blue and glittering under the moonlight. 

It doesn’t feels like he’s there very long before there’s someone sitting down next to him. 

“Why’d you tell Jisung you want me to break up with him?” His dad asks, his voice low and raspy from sleep. His words are slurring a little bit. 

“Because I want you to break up with him,” Jeongin answers simply. 

“Why?” 

“What the fuck do you you mean why?” Jeongin snaps. “Why do you think?” 

“Jeongin,” his dad snaps back. “Can you just show me some fucking respect?” 

He never hears his dad swear. Other than on this trip, he doesn’t usually hear him snap either. He can’t explain why, but it brings some sick satisfaction. He’s getting a reaction out of him. 

“Why should I have to?” Jeongin says, just to piss him off. “You don’t give a shit about me.”

“That is not true,” his dad spits. “You know that’s not true.”

“Okay.” Jeongin rolls his eyes. There are tears welling up in them again. He hasn’t cried in front of his dad since he was, like, five. He’s surely not going to do it now. “You care more about your fucking boyfriend.”

“Oh my god."

“You like him better than me,” Jeongin continues. The tears threaten to spill; he keeps them in. “You literally love him more than me, you talk to him more than me, do you even care about me?” 

“Of course I care about you—"

“What the fuck?” Jeongin yells. He shoots to his feet, his dad does too. 

Not even trying to deny the you love him more than me allegations, Jeongin has never wanted to leave somewhere more. The tears start to fall, hot against his skin. 

“Let me finish, Jeongin,” Minho scolds. “Don’t interrupt me. And stop swearing at me.”

Jeongin lets out a wet sob, he can’t hold it in. His dad literally doesn’t care about him, Jeongin is standing here crying in front of him and he’s scolding him like he’s a child. 

“You don’t even love me!” Jeongin shouts. 

He loves Jisung. If that’s what his dad’s love looks like, then he loves Jisung. Not Jeongin. 

“I do. Of course I do,” his dad responds, so neutrally Jeongin wants to pull his hair out of his head.

“You love him more!” 

He shakes his head. “Not at all. Not even a little bit.” 

“You do!” Jeongin insists. “You literally do, you tell him all the time, you—” He hiccups. “You’ve never told me.” 

“I have,” his dad states. 

“Once!” Jeongin yells. “Ten years ago!” 

“But I have,” he argues. 

Jeongin sobs again. He catches it halfway, holds his breath to quiet it. He squeezes his eyes shut. He feels so stupid. He feels like a child. 

“Don’t say I haven’t,” his dad adds. “I have.”

Jeongin’s eyes fly open again. He feels crazy. “Once!”

“My parents never told me they loved me even once,” his dad snaps. He’s getting angry again. “And then they put me on the street.” 

So Jisung told him that Jeongin knows that fact about him now. But they won’t talk about it. Of course. 

“So you just—” Jeongin sucks in a series of short breaths. “So I don’t deserve to ever hear it from you either, then?” 

“You have heard it from me,” he argues. “And that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Once, dad, one time. Jisung hears it every single fucking minute!” Jeongin’s voice is getting scratchy from yelling and crying. “You’re saying I don’t deserve it, that is what you’re saying.”

“I’m saying you have it so much better!” His dad is yelling now too. His dad never yells. “You have no idea how good your life is, and you’ve acted like such a disrespectful brat this whole trip, you’re so spoiled, I try so hard with you and I obviously fucking failed, fuck.” He puts his head in his hands. 

“You’re calling me a failure?”  Jeongin screams. 

He’s holding his hand over his eyes, shaking his head. “It’s my fault, not yours.”

“But I’m a failure?”  Jeongin repeats. “You’re seriously calling me a failure?” 

“You’re acting like this!” He yells back, louder than Jeongin’s ever heard him.

“I just—” Jeongin feels like he’s lost his voice. He can’t yell anymore. “I just want—"

“What?” His dad cuts him off. “What could you possibly want that I don’t already give you? I’ve given you everything.” 

“Fine.” Jeongin tries to sniff up the snot running down his face. He wipes his nose. “Fine. Whatever. Fine.”

“You’re just—” His dad cuts himself off this time. He closes his eyes and shakes his head. 

“I’m just what?” 

“You’re not grateful for anything.”

“Fine,” Jeongin repeats. “Go hang out with your boyfriend, then, since I’m such an ungrateful failure.” 

“I will.” 

Jeongin sobs. His dad turns around and leaves. 

Jeongin wakes up to knocking at his door. His mouth feels like it’s full of tar, his head is pounding. His face is so bloated that it’s uncomfortable. He’s extremely confused for a moment. 

And then he remembers. 

“Go away!” Jeongin shouts. 

“It’s me,” Jisung replies through the door. 

Is that supposed to make Jeongin want to open the door more? He puts his pillow over his head and tries to pretend like he isn’t there. 

He doesn’t even remember how he got to bed. It looks like it’s still a little dark outside, it’s early morning, maybe? 

Jeongin pats around the bed for his phone. 

Nope, late afternoon. He slept through the day. 

“Can I come in for just a second?” Jisung yells. 

“Absolutely fucking not,” Jeongin yells back. 

“I have tacos.”

Jeongin considers it.

He gets up off his bed on wobbly legs and cracks the door open. 

“Hey,” Jisung says. “Here you go.” He hands him the cardboard takeout box. Jeongin kind of thought he was going to be coerced into letting Jisung in first. He takes it tentatively. 

“Can I come in?” Jisung asks. 

Jeongin goes to sit on his bed. He doesn’t shut the door. 

Jisung follows in after him. He awkwardly hovers for a moment, staring at Jeongin while he opens his takeout container. 

“Are you gonna sit?” Jeongin asks through a mouthful of taco. 

Jisung does. He stares at Jeongin while he eats. At least he has the decency to let Jeongin enjoy his food before they get into whatever nightmare of a conversation this is about to be. 

He finishes his last bite. It took, like, thirty seconds. He sets the box to the side and stares at Jisung.

“He’s an asshole for that,” Jisung says. 

Jeongin rolls his eyes and lays down. He’s worried he’s going to start crying again. 

“He feels really bad,” Jisung adds. “We talked about it all day.”

“I’m so glad you’re here telling me that for him,” Jeongin quips. 

“It’s not like that.” 

“What is it like, then?” 

“It’s just —” Jisung struggles. “We’ve kind of— we’ve kind of been talking about it, to be honest,” 

Jeongin’s face scrunches up. “What?”

“Like—” Jisung thinks about it. “How he should talk to you more.” 

“About what?” 

“Nothing in particular.” Jisung shakes his head. “Just, like, generally.” 

“Great,” Jeongin deadpans. “I feel like he and I had a really productive talk last night. Thanks for your help.” 

“I’m not trying to help him,” Jisung argues. “We’re just, like. Talking through it.” 

Jeongin doesn’t know what the fuck that means. He closes his eyes. 

“I’m gonna tell you something that you can never tell him I told you,” Jisung suddenly says. 

That gets Jeongin’s attention. He cranes his neck to look up at him. 

“He’s going to therapy,” Jisung says. 

Jeongin’s whole face twists up. “The fuck?” 

“Yeah.”

“No he’s not,” Jeongin argues. 

“No, he is.”

“He’s definitely not.” 

“He is,” Jisung insists. “I found the therapist.” 

“He is not going to therapy.” Jeongin very adamantly shakes his head. “He’s my dad.” 

“No, yeah, I know,” Jisung responds. “But, like, he is.” 

“He can’t talk about anything.” 

“He, um.” Jisung coughs. “He does with me. Which is, you know. A start.” 

“So what the fuck was last night, then?” Jeongin asks. “If he’s going to therapy.” 

“Um…” Jisung thinks about it. “Alcohol and big emotions.” 

Jeongin scoffs. 

“Seriously,” Jisung says. “You guys should talk.”

“I don’t want to talk to him." 

“That’s fine. You don’t have to yet. But you should, at some point.” 

“No.” 

“He’s your dad,” Jisung reminds him, like Jeongin needs reminding. “He loves you more than anything.”

“Mm.” Jeongin hums. “He loves the ungrateful failure who has no idea how good his life is more than anything.”

“He does,” Jisung replies without pause. “And he was a fucking asshole for saying that.”

Jeongin doesn’t respond. 

“He didn’t mean any of it,” Jisung continues. “He’s— he’s really mad at himself.” 

“It seemed like he was just mad at me.” 

“He’s not.” Jisung shakes his head. “Not anymore, at least. Not at all.” 

Jeongin cracks his eyes open to look at Jisung again. “...He’s not mad at me?”

“No,” Jisung answers. “Just himself.”

Jeongin thinks about that.

He doesn’t know what he thinks about that. 

“Okay,” is all he can say. 

“So, like.” Jisung coughs. “It’s gonna be okay. You guys just have to talk.”

“Okay,” Jeongin softly repeats. 

“I think he was really caught off guard,” Jisung adds. “He thought you guys had, like, a mutual understanding of… You know. Your relationship. How he shows you he cares.” 

“We did,” Jeongin replied. “Before.” He lifts his hand to gesture at Jisung, without looking at him once.

“So you guys just need to talk it through,” Jisung offers. “Get that understanding back.” 

Jeongin hates that that makes sense.

So he’s sitting on the beach again. He didn’t say anything to his father or to Jisung but he is sitting on the beach, well within view from their balcony, waiting. 

It takes longer this time. He doesn’t say anything as he sits down next to him; neither of them say anything for a long time. They don’t look at each other either. They sit in the sand, staring at the ocean. 

“You’re the most important thing in the world to me,” his dad finally breaks the silence. “You’ve always been the most important thing to me. From the second we decided to have you.” 

Jeongin keeps staring at the waves. They’re crashing closer and closer to their feet. 

“If you want me to end it, Jeongin,” his dad says, “I will. If it’s too much for you I’ll end it.” 

Jeongin presses his lips together. He thought that’s what he wanted, but now that the opportunity is being presented to him, he’s not sure. 

“Did he tell you to say that?” Jeongin asks. 

“No.” He shakes his head. “But he knows that you will always be the most important person in my life. And I thought—” He sighs. He keeps his eyes firmly fixed on the ocean. “I thought you knew that too.”

“Why would I know that?”  

“It’s just— It’s a given, Jeongin. Of course you’re the most important person to me. You’ve always been my first priority.” 

Jeongin sniffs. “You don’t act like it. You literally act like you don’t care about me."

That might be unfair, but Jeongin is hurt. 

His dad turns to him. Jeongin tries to keep his eyes averted, but can’t help but glance at him too. His dad blinks at him a couple times. 

“…I do?” 

Now he looks hurt, which isn’t what Jeongin wanted, necessarily. Maybe it kind of was before but now that it’s happening he just feels sick to his stomach. 

“You just—” Jeongin struggles. He kicks the sand in front of him. “You love him more.”

“I don’t love him more.” Minho shakes his head. “I love him a lot. I could never love him more.” 

Jeongin doesn’t say anything. 

“Do you really feel like I don’t care about you?” 

Jeongin sniffs the unshed tears up. No, not really, but he’s upset and stubborn and hurt. 

“I care about you, Jeongin,” he sounds a little choked, it’s strange and unfamiliar. “I care about you more than anything.” 

“You care about him more.”

That feels true. It is true.

“I don’t,” his dad argues. “I could never.” 

“Why do you act like it, then?” Jeongin turns to look at him. “You’ve never even apologized to me. You apologize to him all the time.” 

“I’m sorry,” he says. It’s so easy, and smooth. Jeongin tilts his head at him. 

“Are you serious?” 

“Yes.” 

“You realize you’ve literally never said that to me, right?” 

“Yes.” 

Jeongin throws his hands up. “What the fuck?” 

His dad doesn’t scold him. He just looks at the ocean again. 

“I didn’t want to, like…” He trails off. “Undermine myself as a parent? Does that make sense?” 

“No,” Jeongin answers. 

“Like, it’s only—” He stops. He exhales out of his nose. “It’s only me. And you, and I’m in charge of, like, making you a good person.” 

“You said you failed, so.”

“I didn’t fail.” His dad shakes his head. “Not at all. I actually did a really good fucking job.” 

Jeongin puffs out a laugh.

“I was being too hard on myself,” his dad continues. “It wasn’t about you.” 

“So why does that mean you can’t apologize to me?”

“Um.” He thinks about it for a moment. “I needed to make sure you respected me. And I was worried that if didn’t… Like, stick to my actions. Or my decisions. Then you wouldn’t respect me.”

Jeongin has never heard him use this many filler words in his life. He wonders if maybe this is the first time he’s gotten to talk to his dad person to person, rather than father to son. 

“An apology isn’t going to make me disrespect you.”

“No, I—” He stops for a moment. “I know that now.” 

Jeongin doesn’t know what to say. 

“It’s honestly…” His dad sighs. “Jeongin, it’s a lot of pressure. To raise a baby. Especially alone, I just wanted to make sure that you—” He stares out into the ocean as he thinks. “That I made you respectful and independent and set you up for success. I didn’t want to fuck up your life.” 

Jeongin can kind of understand that. He knows being a single parent is hard. 

“Your other dad was a lot better at this stuff than me,” his dad suddenly says. 

Jeongin looks up. It is the very first time in his life that his dad has brought up his other dad, other than telling him the anniversary of his death. “I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, he... He would’ve been better at this, honestly.” He laughs, a little choked. “All of it.”

“Oh.”

Jeongin needs to sit in that for a moment. He realizes that maybe he never felt the gap of his other dad missing because his dad felt all of it for him, he made a concerted effort to fill it. He realizes what his dad meant now when he said it wasn’t about you, I was being too hard on myself. It is a lot of pressure. When he thinks about his dad as a human, instead of his dad, the circumstances are rather… Well, awful. Kicked out of his house, fell so in love and settled into domesticity so fast that he had a baby so young, only to lose his family again. 

Jeongin has never felt pain like that. His dad made sure of it. 

“I wasn’t expecting to do this alone,” his dad adds, in nearly a whisper. 

It’s the most vulnerable thing he has ever said to Jeongin, and he doesn’t know what to do with it. 

“I tried my best,” he continues. “I promise I— I’ve always tried my best for you. Always. I still am.” 

“I believe you,” Jeongin says. He does believe him. The guilt for implying otherwise starts to settle in, he knows his dad loves him. He knows he tries his best, and he really does do a good job. He's a good dad.  

His dad nods. “So I’m sorry. For never saying sorry. And I’m sorry for—” He closes his eyes and exhales. “Acting like I don’t care.” 

“You don’t,” Jeongin rushes to say. “You don’t act like you don’t care, I didn’t mean that. I know you care.” 

He looks at Jeongin apprehensively. “Really?”

Jeongin nods. 

“I know I don’t—” He pauses. “I’m sorry that I made you feel like I loved Jisung more. I don’t. I really could never, Jeongin, it’s just not possible. I just love him in a different way.” He laughs a little. “Obviously.” 

“Yeah.”

“And I show him in a different way.” 

“I know.” 

“And I’m sorry that I… Show him so much…?” He cringes. “I honestly— I— I’m sorry. It was disrespectful to you. You were right.”

He’s never heard that from his dad either. 

“I’m just—” He closes his eyes. “So happy with him, Jeongin, I get… Caught up in it.”

“Were you not happy with me?” Comes out of Jeongin’s mouth before he can stop it. It’s not an accusation, not at all. Just a question. 

“Of course I was happy with you,” he quickly responds. “Of course, Jeongin. I love being your dad. I think it’s just…” He thinks about it. “My life keeps going when you’re gone.”

Jeongin squints. “Huh?”

“Like, when you’re at school," he explains. “I’m still— my life keeps going. I don’t just freeze in place until you come back.”

“Okay…?”

“And I’m lonely,” he states. It’s not something Jeongin ever expected to hear his dad say, and he says it like it’s nothing. “You’re gone and I miss you and the house is empty and I’m lonely.”

“So you got a new son,” Jeongin deadpans.

“He is definitely not my son in any way.” 

“He could be.”

“I know the age gap is weird,” he acknowledges. “We talk about it a lot. I promise I’m not, like.” He visibly tries to conjure up the words. “I’m not, like, taking advantage of him."

Jeongin tilts his head to the side, squeezes his eyes shut and ughs. 

“I know it’s weird,” his dad continues. “But it’s not weird like that.”

Jeongin knows that, deep down. His dad is a good man. He knows that. And he and Jisung do seem to be a good pair. 

“Okay,” is all Jeongin can say. 

“I know I’m… Different. With him,” he says. “Do you, like…” He hesitates. “Want that?” 

“Want what?” 

“Jisung said you—” His dad coughs. “Jisung said you asked him how I got him to. Treat him like that.” 

Jeongin cringes. He doesn’t know why he thought Jisung would keep that to himself. 

“Do you want me to treat you like that?” Minho asks. 

Jeongin thinks about it. 

“Um.” He presses his lips together, pondering. “Not really.”

His dad nods. “Okay.” 

“But, like.” Jeongin squirms. This is the most his dad has ever shared with him, so he swallows his pride and he says, “Maybe sometimes.” 

His dad nods again. 

“Not all the time,” Jeongin needs to clarify, looking at him to make sure he understands. “Definitely not all the time, please.” He looks back at the ocean. “But sometimes. Maybe. If that’s okay.”

“It’s okay.” His dad stands up. Jeongin stands up with him. They turn to each other and stare. 

“I’m gonna hug you now,” his dad says. 

“Um.”

His dad steps forward in a stuttered movement. He kind of reaches out a little bit. He hesitates, pausing, then moves forward again, then pauses again, all jerky movements and weird vibes. 

He wraps his arms around Jeongin. 

Jeongin stands there with his arms at his sides, unsure what to do.  It’s uncomfortable, they’re both uncomfortable, but it’s clearly sincere. Jeongin wraps his arms around him too. 

His dad squeezes him. “You’re my entire world,” he softly says. “Nothing is more important to me than you are.” 

Tears well up in Jeongin’s eyes. 

“I love you,” his dad adds. 

The tears start falling. 

Jeongin sniffs. “Thanks.” 

His dad laughs a little. “You don’t have to thank me.” 

He pulls back. There’s tears in his eyes too. 

He dabs at the tears on Jeongin’s face. Jeongin’s first reaction is to pull away, but he doesn’t. 

“I’m really proud of you, Jeongin.”

Jeongin sobs out loud. 

His dad sniffs up unshed tears. “I’m sorry for never saying that, too. I should’ve.”

“It’s okay,” Jeongin chokes out. 

“It’s not okay.” He shakes his head. “But I’ll make it okay. Okay? I’ll make it up to you.”

Jeongin nods. “Okay.”

So Jisung is actually… Kind of a good thing. In the end. 

Jeongin and his dad talk more. They’re more open, or whatever. They still don’t, like, hug and say I love you all the time, that’s just not how they operate and Jeongin didn’t want constant affection. But it’s nice that it happens sometimes. It’s really nice. Sometimes is perfect. Never was hard and all the time would be weird, but Jeongin really likes sometimes. 

And Jisung is fine. Jisung is cool, even. 

He sees more of him, when he goes home for weekends and sometimes even when he hangs out with his — their — friends. He actually doesn’t mind that much. Sometimes they’ll have incidents where Felix and Hyunjin (it’s always Felix and Hyunjin) are talking about a sex thing and Jisung will chime in and Jeongin has to cover his ears and scream and Jisung has to scramble to apologize. 

Jisung and his dad seem really, really happy. It’s still weird, it’s so weird, but his dad is happy. 

Jeongin calls him as he’s walking to class one Monday afternoon. 

“I saw your boyfriend this weekend,” he says. 

“I heard,” his dad responds. “You guys had a good time?” 

“Yeah.”

There’s a beat of silence. 

“That makes me really happy.”

“Yeah.” Jeongin nods. “It was fun.”

More silence. 

“I like him, dad,” Jeongin adds. 

A long silence. He hears sniffling. 

Jeongin gasps. “Are you crying?”

“No,” his dad rushes to respond, voice choked. 

“You’re crying!” 

“I’m—” More sniffing. “I’m really happy you like him.”

“Yeah.” Jeongin nods to himself. “Yeah, I like him.”

His dad is silent for another moment. “I love you, Jeongin.”

Jeongin smiles at his feet. “Love you too.”