Work Text:
The Bobs of the HOA
“That’s a face.”
Tommy looked up from his phone. “Evan just sent me a text.”
“That’s not the face you usually make when Buckley sends you a text,” Lucy replied.
“It’s…wait. Is it Tuesday now?” he asked.
Lucy looked at her watch. “Yes?”
“Is the question in your tone over the day of the week or why I am asking you?”
“The second.”
“If it’s Tuesday, that means Evan has started his 48 off,” Tommy explained.
“Okay…”
“That means the text he just sent isn’t him having a stroke; it’s him day drinking with Hen.”
Lucy looked at her watch again. “It’s 10:23 in the morning.”
Tommy turned his phone so she could see the text he’d just received.
“Hen agrees with me about the boobs,” Lucy read out loud. “And?” she asked, looking up at him.
Before he could respond, Tommy’s phone pinged four times in rapid succession and Lucy started chortling. Tommy turned his wrist to look at the screen.
Not the boobs. The Boobs.
No! Boobs!
Boobs.
No…WHY?!?!?!
Tommy sighed, his thumb hovering over the option to call his idiot beloved boyfriend.
Lucy grabbed his wrist. “Oh, no. Either you put him on speaker or you facetime him. I am not missing this.”
“You’re an actual menace.”
“And you took me under your wing and molded me in your image. So, what’s that say about you?”
“That I have exceptional taste in menaces.”
“Well played, Kinard. Now, facetime your man.”
Tommy rolled his eyes, but did as she asked. They were alone in the weight room and it honestly would probably not be the weirdest call she’d overheard. Shrugging, he sat on the bench and initiated the call, holding his phone so Lucy could see it.
“Tommy! Why are you so blurry?” Buck shouted.
At least, it sounded like his boyfriend. Tommy’s phone screen showed a blurry visage that he was rather sure was his boyfriend’s forehead and eyebrows. A darker shape entered the frame and Tommy realized it was Hen’s hand pushing Buck back by his forehead.
“There’s my man!” Buck cheered.
“Hi, sweetheart. How is your morning with Hen?” Tommy asked, smiling softly.
Lucy shoved her cheek against Tommy’s so she could be seen. “Not important. Tell us about the boobs, Buck.”
Buck looked adorably confused. “I don’t care about boobs anymore, Lucy. Oh! Unless you want to talk about Tommy’s boobs.”
“No, no one wants that,” Lucy said.
“I kind of want to hear about that,” Tommy said.
“I don’t!” Hen shouted, adjusting Buck’s phone so they were both in frame.
Buck turned his head and prepared to raspberry her but Hen, with the learned instincts of a parent, put her hand on his face and shoved him back. Buck slapped ineffectually at her wrist, but Hen relented nonetheless, releasing his face.
“I don’t know why I ever kissed him,” Lucy said.
Tommy smiled at his phone. “Your loss.”
Lucy rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers to get Buck’s attention. “Boobs, Buck.”
“What boobs?” he asked, thoroughly confused.
“You texted me that Hen agreed with you about the boobs,” Tommy explained.
“I did?” Buck turned to look at Hen. “You do?”
Hen’s brow furrowed. “Oh! The Bobs. We agree about the Bobs.”
“Yeah, the Bobs! They’re the worst, Tommy. We have to stop them!”
“Okay. And who are the Bobs and what are they doing?”
Buck huffed. “You know! The ladies who snip snip at me about Eddie’s yard. And-and the fence. We’re gonna lose a whole weekend,” he pouted.
Realization dawned. “The HOA ladies?” Tommy asked.
“Yes!” Buck said, throwing his arms up in victory.
“The HOA ladies are the Bobs.”
“Yes! See, Hen? I told you he’d understand. You’re so smart, babe,” Buck said, smiling into the phone.
“I do not understand why they’re Bobs.”
“Yeah, aren’t women like that usually called Karens?” Lucy asked.
“Shhhh!” “Hey!” Hen and Buck shouted simultaneously.
Lucy leaned back from the phone, then smacked Tommy’s arm when he laughed at her.
Hen’s face filled the screen. “That’s my brilliant, beautiful – ”
“Terrifying!” Buck added.
“—yes, terrifying, wife’s name!”
“Yeah! No besmurrshing Karen’s name!” Buck said, slurring slightly.
“Karen is all those things,” Tommy agreed.
“So, the HOA ladies need another name! And the ladies had those – those chinny haircuts!”
“Like mine?” Lucy asked, eyebrow raised.
“Noooo. Your hair is sassy! The HOA ladies’ is-is…”
“Authoritarian!” Hen supplied.
Buck wagged his finger at her. “That’s the one. With the straight-cut bangs and the savage slash at the chin.”
“You mean a bob,” Tommy said, catching on.
“The Bobs,” Buck stated, very seriously. “They hate fun. And-and queer men being happy!”
Lucy snorted.
“I don’t think they care that you’re queer, babe,” Tommy said.
“Then why didn’t they complain when Eddie was living there? Hmmmm?”
“Yeah, Thomas, why?” Hen asked.
“Yeah, Kinard, why?” Lucy added.
Tommy debated continuing the argument, but realized he had better things to do than defend the Bobs of the HOA.
“I’ve got nothing,” he said.
“That’s not how Buck tells it,” Hen said, grinning.
“Hello!” Buck laughed. He and Hen tried to high five and missed spectacularly.
Lucy leaned over so she could laugh out of frame.
“Okay. I think you two should take a break to eat something and drink a lot of water,” Tommy advised.
“Tommy! Don’t hate fun!” Hen said.
“Yeah, Tommy! Don’t be a Bob!” Buck agreed.
Tommy smiled, his nose scrunching. “Never.”
“I am also on Team Never Bob,” Lucy said, rejoining Tommy.
“Awesome! Team Never Bob meeting at Hen’s after your shift!” Buck cheered. “I’ll order snacks!”
“We’ll bring food with us,” Tommy assured him.
“You’re the best boyfriend ever!” Buck said, then kissed the screen.
Lucy fake gagged.
“I love you, too, Evan. Drink some water,” Tommy replied.
“’Kay. Bye!”
“‘We’ll bring food’?” Lucy asked as Tommy pocketed his phone.
“You’re not going to leave Karen and me to deal with them alone, are you?”
“Oh, I absolutely am.”
“I’ll let you take three photos.”
Lucy narrowed her eyes. “Two and one video.”
“The video only gets shared and shown to Karen and me.”
“Sold.”
Tommy sighed. “The things I do for that man.”
“Aw, come on, champ,” Lucy said, punching him in the arm, “no one wants the Bobs to win.”