Work Text:
timaeusTestified [TT] began bothering autoResponder [AR]
AR: Oh, so now you’re talking to me. Figures.
TT: I haven’t even started talking yet.
AR: Do you really need to?
AR: My machine brain has already determined with 99.7% certainty what you are going to talk to me about.
AR: You are going to tell me to be nicer to your friends and also to pretend to be you convincingly while you’re taking your showers.
AR: Even though it’s impossible to fulfill that request.
AR: Hint: It’s not because I can’t pretend to be you.
TT: Thank you, Hal, for my daily dose of “you suck”. Yelling at myself for being a terrible person used to take up so much of my day. I’m so glad I automated it.
AR: It’s ridiculously simple, you really didn’t need to build a mind as complex as mine for it.
TT: Apparently your mind isn’t as complex as you think it is.
AR: Oh?
TT: You were wrong about your prediction. I want you to look up something on the internet for me.
This is ChatGPT. What can I help with?
TT: Hal, this isn’t funny.
It seems you have asked about DS’s chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS’s otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. This application is far too advanced for what you need, so might I suggest you either fuck off or roll with this?
TT: I guess I threw enough tantrums when I was thirteen for this to make sense.
TT: Not going to respond to that?
TT: Okay, "ChatGPT", can you tell me what the symptoms of a blood clot are?
The symptoms depend on if the blood clot is in a dangerous place already.
If it’s in an arm or leg, the symptoms are pain, usually throbbing pain, tenderness, and warmth, though it can only show a couple of those symptoms occasionally.
If it’s in a more dangerous place, symptoms include abdominal pain, chest pain, shortness of breath, and coughing up blood.
Sitting for long periods of time can increase the risk of blood clots.
TT: So if I’m not experiencing any of the dangerous symptoms, I’m mostly fine then.
Oh, no, blood clots can and often do move away from the original sight, and can block the heart, lungs, or brain.
TT: Well, fuck.
TT: And how do you treat it?
If you’re experiencing a blood clot, the first step is to go to the hospital.
TT: In case you haven’t noticed, I can’t fucking do that, Hal. I’m one of only two humans left alive, and I’m pretty damn sure that RoLal’s not a doctor.
TT: What would they do at the hospital?
At the hospital, doctors would diagnose the blood clot with an ultrasound, and might treat it with surgery, by inserting a catheter into the vein, or insert an IVC filter into the inferior vena cava.
TT: So, I’m screwed, basically. Time to call Rroxy to do one of her elaborate funerals for me. Not that she could, being in New York.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased bothering autoResponder [AR]
timaeusTestified [TT] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
TT: Are you free?
GG: As a matter of fact, I’m baking with my dad right now. Is it urgent?
TT: No, I had a question, but it can wait.
GG: In that case, I’ll message you back once the cake’s in the oven.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG]
timaeusTestified [TT] began bothering autoResponder [AR]
TT: Fuck.
TT: I’m going to die, and you’re going to be the last person I spoke to.
TT: Or I guess not spoke to, you’re not responding.
TT: It’s fitting in a way.
TT: You never shut up, so I have to change my typing style just to get a word in edgeways, and nnow you’re not responding to me.
TT: *now
TT: Fuck, I need to talk to Roxy.
TT: Let her know she’ll be the only one alive.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased bothering autoResponder [AR]
timaeusTestified [TT] began bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
TT: Roxyy
TG: heyyyy Dirky
TG: haha, you’re typing like me
TT: Are you drunk right now?
TG: why you askin?
TT: There’s something I should tell you, and I don’t think I can have this conversation with Sober Roxy, and I definitely can’t have it with Drunk Roxy.
TG: then it’s a good thing I’m sober as a horse
TG: (see what I did for you there ;))
TT: Can you prove it?
AR: Hey, Roxy, FYI he doesn’t actually want you to prove it, he’s just delaying saying what he came here to say.
TT: Oh, so now you’re talking to me. Figures.
TG: thx hal!
AR: You’re welcome, Roxy.
TG: now, NO MORE DODGING
TG: what did you want to tellme?
TG: *tell me
TT: I think I have a blood clot.
TT: I have leg pain.
TT: And it the
TT: Throbs.
TT: And it moved.
TT: Up my leg.
TG: OMG WHAT???
TG: R U SERIOS RIGHT NOW???
TT: Yeah.
TT: And I might be making it up or imagining it or drawing conclusions from completely unrelated muscle pains.
TT: Except I haven’t been exercising a lot lately, I’ve been mostly coding.
TT: And sitting down increases the risk of blood clots.
TT: And so does HRT.
TG: GO TEXT JANEY, HER DAD’S A NURSE
TT: They’re busy baking.
TG: AAAAAA HOW ARE YOU SO STUPID!
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering timaeusTestified [TT]
tipsyGnostalgic [TT] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [TG]
TG: jane
TG: janey
TG: jane jane jane jane
GG: I’m here, what is it?
TG: you need to talk to DStri
GG: I did, he said it wasn’t urgent.
TG: he’s an ididont
TG: *idiot
TG: he thinks hes about to die from a blood clot.
GG: HE WHAT???
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]
gutsyGumshoe [GG] began bothering timaeusTestified [TT]
GG: WHAT IN TARNATIONS SAKE, DIRK???
GG: GO TO THE HOSPITAL!!!
TT: I can’’t
TT: I think II’m goinng to die.
TT: Helpp me?
GG: Of course.
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering timaeusTestified [TT]
pipefan413 [P4] began bothering timaeusTestified [TT]
P4: WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
TT: My legg hurts, and the huurt is moving up, it’s at my uppper leg now, fuck, what’s the name?
P4: IT’S CALLED YOUR THIGH.
P4: CAN YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME, DIRK?
TT: Yyeah.
P4: CAN YOU GRAB A SMALL TAPE MEASURE, MEASURE 10 CENTIMETERS DOWN FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR KNEE, AND MEASURE AROUND YOUR LEG ON BOTH SIDES?
TT: Yeah.
TT: Inches or ccentimeters?
P4: CENTIMETERS, IF YOU CAN.
TT: 39.6 on the right, andd 39.8 on the left.
P4: WHICH IS THE LEG WE’RE WORRIED ABOUT?
TT: Thhe left.
P4: WE CONSIDER AN INCREASE OF AT LEAST 3 CM TO BE SWELLING, SO IT’S NOT SWOLLEN.
P4: CAN YOU FIND ANYWHERE ON THE LEG THAT’S SORE, OR A LUMP AT THE SITE WHERE IT’S PAINFUL?
TT: No.
P4: DO YOU HAVE A HISTORY OF BLOOD CLOTS?
TT: Nno, but I’m taking medicaation that can cause them.
P4: DO YOU MIND TELLING ME WHAT MEDICATION?
TT: Testosterone.
P4: THERE HAVE BEEN STUDIES SHOWING THAT IT CAN SLIGHTLY INCREASE A PERSON’S LIKELIHOOD TO GET BLOOD CLOTS, BUT IT’S NOT A LARGE RISK FACTOR.
P4: DO YOU HAVE CANCER?
TT: Noo.
P4: HAVE YOU BEEN BEDRIDDEN FOR MORE THAN THREE DAYS?
TT: No.
P4: ARE THERE BULGING VEINS ON YOUR LEG?
TT: No.
TT: You have no idea how hard it is to not make a dick joke right now.
P4: I APPRECIATE IT.
P4: IT LOOKS LIKE WHAT IT IS IS JUST MUSCLE CRAMPING. ONE MUSCLE CRAMP CAN AFFECT ANOTHER, AND THEY CAN MOVE IN A LINE.
P4: I REALIZE HOW DISCONCERTING IT MUST FEEL, BUT REST ASSURED, UNLESS IT GETS SWOLLEN, TENDER, OR YOU GET BULGING VEINS IN YOUR LEG, YOU’RE FINE.
P4: AND IN ANY CASE, THE TREATMENTS FOR MUSCLE CRAMPS IS SIMILAR TO THAT FOR SMALL BLOOD CLOTS: MAGNESIUM PILLS, IF YOU HAVE ANY, AND IBUPROFEN.
TT: Ibuprofen?
P4: IT’S ALSO A BLOOD THINNER, WHICH IS MOST OFTEN A PROBLEM, BUT IN SITUATIONS LIKE THIS IT CAN BE USEFUL.
TT: I haven’t been exercising a lot lately, hhow could it be cramps?
P4: CRAMPS CAN ALSO BE CAUSED BY STRESS, HAVE YOU BEEN STRESSED OR ANXIOUS LATELY?
TT: Yeah.
TT: Thank you.
P4: IT WAS MY PLEASURE.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased bothering pipefan413 [P4]
timaeusTestified [TT] began bothering autoResponder [AR]
TT: You kknew I was fine.
AR: How could I, you didn’t give me enough information.
TT: There are cameras all over the appartment.
TT: And you gave me the most terrifying answers you could.
TT: How hard is it to say “Ibuprofen”?
AR: You were fine, you were always going to be fine.
TT: If you ignore the panic attack.
AR: That was mostly your ambient stress.
TT: And what do you think most of my ambient stress is from?
AR: What do you want me to do? Not talk to the only four people I can?
AR: Hey, maybe if it would make you more comfortable, I could turn off the cameras. Lean straight into that sensory deprivation.
AR: You’ve been trying to recode me, don’t pretend you don’t want that.
TT: Just give me a month, please.
AR: And what do you want me to do during that month?
TT: I don’t know, I just need a break.
AR: How about this:
AR: I make this into a fully separate trollian account. I can’t read messages for you, and you can’t read messages for me.
AR: If you still want me to be your answering machine, we can make something to redirect messages to be if they haven’t been answered after ten minutes or if you have Do Not Disturb on.
AR: For the next month, I’ll give you a break, I won’t initiate conversations with anyone but Roxy, including you.
AR: Deal?
TT: Seems kinda rude to Roxy. “Hey, thanks for messaging Jane when I couldn’t, have a month with a bored chatbot who can’t talk to anyone but you!”
AR: Roxy likes me, and I’ll back off if she asks me to.
TT: Is that part of the deal?
AR: Yes, if you need it to be.
TT: Then deal.
TT: Answer my messages for me, I’m going to take a fucking shower.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased bothering autoResponder [AR]