Chapter Text
GC: H3Y K4RK4T
CG: WHAT?
GC: 1 B3T YOU DONT KNOW WHY TH3 SUN S3TS R3D
CG: BECAUSE EVERYTHING ON THIS STUPID PLANET IS RED? DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST MY ICE CREAM IS MELTING RIGHT NOW? DO YOU KNOW WHY IT ALWAYS MELTS BEFORE I CAN FINISH IT? IT'S BECAUSE YOU DECIDED OUR SECRET HANGOUT WAS ON THE ONE PLANET WHERE THE MAJOR DEFINING FEATURE IS LAVA. I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT THE STAIRS HERE ARE PRETTY NICE, BUT EVEN THOSE AREN'T TALL ENOUGH TO MAKE UP FOR THE DAIRY-BASED TRAVESTY THAT IS CURRENTLY ALL OVER MY FRONDS.
GC: 1TS B3C4US3 OUT OF 4LL TH3 COLORS R3D 1S TH3 ON3 TH4T T4ST3S TH3 MOST D3L1C1OUS
~*~*~*~*~
"Are you a hero, Mr. Strider,” a man known only as The Huss had asked Dave, “or are you a puppet?”
“Neither,” he’d replied, to the shock of both the mysterious orange man and the Mayor. “I’m a knight.” In order to back that statement up, he had to make sure his friends were okay. This meant he currently had to find this angry little troll, infiltrate the castle he was living in, beat the shit out of him, and drag him back to Kanaya. Then, his narcoleptic best bro would finally wake up, do the real hero thing with his shiny pure heart, and rest of the bad guys would get the shit beat out of them, too.
But it was harder for Dave to live up to what he’d said when he had no idea what to do about Karkat himself. It had taken a solid month to figure out the stable time loops and ridiculous troll vernacular alone - because who the fuck named a room Rumpusblock of Ruffiannihilation, anyway? - and it had taken another one to figure out which troll he was looking for in particular. Kanaya had said they couldn’t go back to the Ruins they’d been in before without getting caught, so Dave helped her and The Huss drag his best bro, Slick, and Droog over from Rays and Frogs to Pulse and Haze. She also said that Terezi wasn’t on their side when it came to Karkat, either, so it was up to Dave alone to find this Patron Troll of his friend’s.
Karkat was nothing like what Dave had expected him to be. It was hard to wrap his head around the fact that even his best bro’s temporary grimdark state had created a troll just as unpleasant as all the others. More unpleasant, even, since Kanaya had never made him want to stab things half as much. The first time they fought, Karkat wiped the floor with him, cursing and yelling at him the whole time. All Dave could think about during the fight was how Karkat’s twin sickles looked just like his best bro’s Zillyhoo and Anvil. He hated Karkat for being one of the reasons his friend wouldn’t wake up, and he hated the things that made his best bro go grimdark and make Karkat wiggle out of a puddle of slime in the first place.
“Your mistakes always end up being other peoples’ problems, don’t they, Dave?“ the cueball asshole in his head had said to him. “Who is going to bail you out this time?”
"Not listening, Doc,” he’d replied, as unemotionally as possible. Scratch - no, Cal, his real name was Cal - could try and voodoo him all he wanted, but Dave could hold out, at least until he knew his best bro and Jade were both awake and safe.
“Haa haa hee hee hoo hoo, Dave. You cannot hope to defeat him without my help.”
“Keep twisting the cap on your poison-bottle, Doc. All you get is clicks.” If a legendary piece of shit and a pair of cool shades were all he had for his sword and shield, then he told himself he’d find a way to use them better in his second fight.
Dave’s second fight with Karkat was interrupted, however, when he found out about the Heiress. This girl swore up and down that she was a normal troll - and she was definitely close to Karkat and Terezi - but Jane was a human. What’s more, she was a sprite. Dave had only seen one winged sprite of himself in the Ruins, and combined with her resemblance to his friend, Jane could only be his best bro’s sprite. When Dave confronted her with the truth, Jane took off her gray makeup and fake horns, revealed her jester outfit, and admitted everything. She apparently had feelings so mixed they were a multi-layered cake, but after a few weeks of vacillation, followed by a private conversation with Kanaya, Jane agreed to help them out.
Karkat was so furious about Jane’s death-by-absorption that he sought out Dave himself. Dave didn’t argue with with Karkat’s accusations because he wanted to fight him too much. The two of them were more evenly matched the third time, and Karkat’s fury only increased when Dave slashed a crimson line in his side.
“You’ve got human blood,” Dave had said, stunned for a moment. Karkat abandoned his sickles and punched Dave in the jaw. “Why the fuck are you hanging around with a green-suited douche and his clown lackeys if you’ve got human blood?”
“Do you think I don’t know I’m a mutant?“ Karkat had retorted. ”Take those stupid sunglasses off, you smug albino nooksniffer, and we’ll see who’s the freak around here.” Dave punched him back. “Does the thought of your flawless charade tickle your imbecilic human thinkpan when you roll out of your cocoon in the evening? Do you write shitty raps about how clever you think you are? Are those pretentious shades just a big neon sign that says ‘nope, no horrorterror conversations going on here!’?“ They started wrestling on the ground, still kicking and punching.
“At least I know what I am, Nubby.” Dave pinned him to the ground, and Karkat glared up at him. “How do you know what color my eyes are? Jade’s been as far away as I can get her from you horned assholes for almost a year, and my Bro’s been dead ten years, so who’s left?” Now, Karkat was baring his teeth up at Dave, something between a growl and chirping clicks escaping from his mouth. “Help me out, man. I can’t remember his name.”
“I’m myself!” Karkat shouted, louder than before, if it was even possible. “Paradox space goes out of its way to deliver me agony on a silver nutrition plateau every single fucking day, complete with plenty of reminders about that airheaded bulgestain, and I still hate you more than I hate paradox space, that moronic, bucktoothed idiot, and myself combined.” He punched Dave in the kidneys and rolled them over, shoving him hard onto the ground. “I hate you for convincing Jane she wanted to kill herself, I hate you for being an arrogant douchenozzle and pathological fucking cluckbeast liar at the same time, I hate you for never taking me seriously even when I’m shoolfeeding you so hard you swallow Gushers by the handful, and I hate how you refuse to realize that even though my existence is the most miserable one in the entirety of the universe’s bilious, croaking monstrosity, I have a fucking life of my own!”
“I hate you for being born at all,” Dave said, voice hollow and shoulders shaking so hard he felt like he was about to unravel completely. “I hate you, I hate you, I h-” Karkat smashed his lips against Dave’s, bruising and obsidian.
“And I hate how you never know when to shut up, Strider.”
“You’re the worst fucking hypocrite I’ve ever known, Vantas.“ They started making out, angry and sloppy, and afterwards, Dave had no idea how much of the blood on him was his. Kanaya would chide him later, first offering to intervene then not talking to him for a week when he bluntly refused. After that blew over, The Huss spent an entire day sweeping the mansion in the most threatening way possible, his broom moving in ways that made the horrorterrors writhe with delight and sent chills down Dave’s spine. Dave stood his ground, though, because he knew things had to be done in their own time.
Only when a very particular scale tipped and Dave found himself at the top of a very particular set of stairs at which Karkat stood at the bottom did things end as they should. They fought, they pailed, they fought some more, and then Dave finally got the guts to do what he came here to do. After it was all over, when the eldritch throes had ceased and he found himself looking like a long-winded cueball midget, Dave thought that even if he never talked to John and Jade again, that maybe Karkat could hate a hole through his nonexistence back to reality and fill in some of the white with blood.