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“Guys.”
Garrus’ mind had been nagged at by recurring thought, one that he couldn’t evade. It’s pervasive, and it’s been coming back and forth like waves pushing water towards land.
“Uh, I could use some help right now.” His voice had a certain reluctance in it.
He’s at his spot at the main battery of the new Normandy. Different as it can be from the original. He waited for a response.
“What is it?” “Dude, right now?”
Tali and Joker answered.
“Need me right there, Garrus?” Tali was somewhat concerned.
“No no. It’s not that kind of urgency Tali.” He speaks to himself in the room, but his words were received by his friends through a private comms channel he made just for the three of them. He wouldn’t want Miranda or even EDI knowing about it (he’s unsure if it could even work).
“Then spill it out!” Joker interjects curiously.
“Well…”
“Is that it? Another of them?” Tali half-laughs through the comms.
“Can’t say I’m surprised that it’s still going on with you.” Joker sarcastically states.
Garrus kind of expected this kind of response from them. That mixture of genuine astonishment and sarcasm that could make you dig your own grave. With your own hands.
“It came back after all this time? Your little crisis over Shepard?” His quarian companion couldn’t stop laughing over his peril.
“Keep on laughing all you want Tali. I am going through it again.” Garrus rolled his eyes and shook his head, being dismissive of the lighthearted retorts the two have made.
The nagging thought, the nagging problem, was in fact Garrus’ regrowing interest over a really specific human commander. Commander of the Normandy. Hero of the Citadel. The Commander Shepard. That good man that went for Saren and even got humanity their very first Spectre. That badass with his many achievements and epic exploits, from freeing the Rachni Queen to saving the Council to ending Sovereign. That very same person who helped him end Dr. Saleon’s inhumane activities, and convinced him to think differently in ways he never thought of.
That was his problem, and now he’s gone to get help from practically the only ones he could trust here on the ship, people he can personally trust: Joker, and Tali. Joker’s been here for a while, he knew that. Joker knew the Commander longer than he got recruited for their hunt of Saren two years ago, and that experience helps a lot in dealing with his situation. Tali was just like him, recruits for a galaxy-wide hunt. They got along well for the most part back then, and he’s sure that they are still doing well now. So now he’s glad that they just got Tali back safely from Haestrom (Thank you Shepard!). He’s got another friend he can count on with shit like emotions and feelings.
What was he asking from them? Advice. Ideas. Opinions. Anything. Garrus really just needed help on how to approach this. He’s not really one for feelings or relationships, having been a bumbling timid wreck about it in his youth. Now he’s sure he’s going to be yet another bumbling timid wreck, only much older than before.
Why did it have to resurface right now? The only reasoning he could really only think of was the fact that Shepard’s back. Back from the dead under Cerberus’ banners. That didn’t matter much to him, he thought of Shepard as his ride or die companion at this point. When the commander approached for his hideout amidst him sniping to death the many hostiles that came for him, he could feel his body shake, shock coursing through his organs not knowing that Shepard had inadvertently saved him from that place becoming his own grave. He had made his peace with his father just moments before he showed up, thinking that this was his end. And then when he saw Shepard closeup, it was like he was struck and overwhelmed by a barrage of emotions. Surprise, joy, curiosity, relief, nervousness, longing and yearning.
It’s not always that you’ll see your friend come back from the dead after two years has passed, and it’s not always that these feelings you’ve long so buried would come back in an instant.
In all honesty, this wasn’t the first time he had talked about his feelings like this for Shepard. Joker knew it. Tali knew it. Kaidan and Wrex knew it too. Even Ashley did. After their first major mission, he had started feeling infatuated about the commander. He couldn’t put a finger as to why he started feeling strangely and differently about Shepard. Could he blame it on the appearance? Or perhaps it’s just the badassery that he admires about him. Or could it even be just the fact that the commander is so approachable? He’s not sure at all.
Before this, he could have a nice solid conversation with him and be able to have fruitful discussions about mission debriefings and plans and whatnot. Then when the feelings started to hit, his dynamic changed with the other. He tried his best to keep it still, keep it low. It worked. Mostly. His stomach constantly churned at the sight of Shepard, making him all the more nervous. And it could only get worse.
To work it out, he got into private meetings and made private comms channels with the rest of the squad, minus Shepard of course. He’d talk to them over this constantly until Ashley (or Wrex) would openly tease him about it or until Joker could make a joke out of it. Tali and Kaidan were helpful though. He thanked them for that, but frankly he thanked all of them for even going through his ramblings.
This didn’t work out though in the long term. When the Normandy was destroyed by a Collector attack two years ago, it had shaken everyone off and pushed them to different paths. Garrus found himself back in C-Sec, wanting to help in anyway possible after the battle against Sovereign. Kaidan and Wrex grew apart from the group, citing their own set of reasons: Alliance assignments and a mission in Tuchanka respectively. He couldn’t blame them, it’s as if Shepard was a uniting force for them and with the loss of the Normandy and the commander, it’s as if nothing had kept them as tightly knit as he thought, except for Joker and Tali. Those two stuck longer with him months after Shepard died, preferring to keep in touch even as Joker was reassigned by the Alliance and even as Tali returned to the Migrant Fleet in ending her Pilgrimage. Garrus gave his gratitude them constantly for putting up with the continued ruckus, and for grieving together for Shepard.
But even their talks would end.
The chaos of the Citadel had pushed Garrus away from C-Sec even after rejoining it. That same chaos made him helpless, unable to help in a way he knew he could, following after what Shepard taught him. The best possible way, rather than the fastest.
In leaving the Citadel, he went to Omega. He got himself a group of like-minded individuals, and set out to make an elite vigilante group against the criminals of the lawless carved-out asteroid (except for Aria’s forces, he made them steer clear of her). It was all going splendidly for them even with the consequences, that is until Sidonis betrayed the team. Every single person he trusted there in this fight against crime died, and he vowed to make Sidonis pay for their deaths. Throughout this time, he never had any chance to talk to any of the squad. Not even to Joker or Tali.
And now here he was, having the same kind of conversation like nearly two years ago.
“Tali, Joker. You’ve gotta help me out on this.” Garrus pleaded through the comms, his mind distracted throughout the whole time that the conversation occurred. He was willing to work on his calibrations as he spoke to them but it isn’t possible now. It kind of drove him insane. “I’m—I’m really not sure how I’m going to work this out by myself. Give me—just give me anything! Words! Advice! Opinions!” He stumbled on his words.
“Help me. Just like old times." He whispered as he put his arms exasperatedly on either side of the console, lowering his head as if begging to them. He waited for an answer. Or even just a sound, a reaction.
Maybe it took some seconds for them to reply, or even a few minutes (as Garrus felt)—
“The fact that Shepard hasn’t seen you this hung up on him, even after all this time since the days we’re kicking Saren’s ass, is hilarious.” Joker answered humorously. Garrus could hear the clarity of the pilot’s chuckle through the comms and it made him grumble. Just a little.
“Seems like that ‘stick up your butt’ expression still holds a little truth Joker.” Tali answered, accompanied with her own bubbling laughter.
Oh great, they’re laughing at him. Garrus lowered more of his head until it touched the surface of the console, his grumbles growing louder as his friends found comedy in his plight. He had expected this… and it should’ve been something he had acclimated to, but the roughly two years of non-existent communication with them had just reversed whatever accilmation he had.
“We’ll still help you of course.” Garrus perked up as he heard Tali's words, his expression changed in an instant.
“Definitely will be helping. Yeah…” Joker half-teased.
“You said you needed advice?” Tali asked.
“Anything, actually. Anything that can help.” Garrus answered back, then he waited and felt the silence of the conversation. He thought of them as if they were thinking of it deeply.
“To be fair,” Tali was the first to answer. “I’m not sure how humans or turians deal with feelings like love or infatuation or attraction but…” He heard her scrambling through her words, even hearing something that rhymed with meet and guerilla. “I will be honest with you, Garrus. Accept what you’re feeling with Shepard. Don’t deny it. Don’t dismiss it. If it came back even after all this time, it just means that your heart isn’t over it. Over him.”
Garrus stood still for a moment, but nodded to Tali’s words. The words rang true inside his mind. Why else would it come back now?
“Tali said what she had to say, and honestly? I agree with her.” Joker added. “But I do have to add a little teeny tiny thing to her advice.”
“And what’s that?”
“Confess. Holding your attraction for the commander isn’t gonna be something healthy to hold for a long time. And that’s especially with how Shepard brings you out often with him on his missions. Wouldn’t want to feel anymore awkward with him, don’t ya?”
Yet again, it’s another truth.
“Confess, of course! That’s definitely something that you should really be doing on this!” He heard the quarian shout through the comms.
“Ugh, the fact that I’ve been forced to deal with whatever you and Shepard had—” “What.” “—with all that unforeseen tension and awkwardness! It’s all making sense!”
‘Spirits.’
“Keelah…” She laughed. “The elevator rides, the firefights from Feros to Noveria, even the mess hall! The fact that I’ve had to deal with you going around like some bosh’tet fool around him… I had to wince at every. Single. Moment.”
“You definitely have to confess. Tali can’t handle you being a wuss about it.” Joker flatly stated, though Garrus could discern the sarcasm laced in the pilot’s speech.
Everything Garrus heard rang truer and truer in his mind, as if the word confess was bouncing within constantly.
It made his head hurt.
“C-confess? You can’t be serious.” Garrus sounded like he didn’t believe it.
And Joker could only sound more sure.
“It’s the most practical way to solve this problem. Believe me.”
“But how? Could Shepard be even outright alright with what I’m going to say to him?”
Garrus doubted himself, deeply. He couldn’t fathom speaking up and having to reveal some vulnerable part of himself.
He needed reassurance. Every bit of it. Every ounce of it. Everything that could assuage and convince himself that it’s worth doing.
“Garrus. Dude. You’ve got nothing to worry about!”
“Yes, just like what Joker said. It’s not like Shepard’s insensitive or close-minded. We’ve seen him work. You’ve seen him work. He’s been so open to us that I’m sure some measly confession of ‘I think I’m attracted to you’ isn’t going to hurt.”
He was, of course, lucky enough to have Tali and Joker for this. Despite all the playful jokes and lighthearted mockery he received from both of them, they’ve been really understanding of his situation.
That’s one big part of his doubts mostly diminished. Shepard’s been open-minded, willing to hear anyone’s thoughts, even if he had some disagreements with them.
Though there’s the matter of xenophilia and sexuality.
“Has Shepard ever said anything about being attracted to men? Is he even into turians? Let alone a turian like myself?”
“Well, you’ll never know yourself. Things seem like they’re beyond us, Garrus,” Joker expressed. “But what’s really the only way to know it? To get your doubts answered? Confess. Say it all to him. How you found him attractive back then and still do today. How you probably really want to smooch him—wait does that even work if you got no lips, I don’t know—and say you’re in love with him. Anything that could let all those warm fuzzy feelings free from what’s in you.”
“If he doesn’t reciprocate what you feel for him, then at least you’ve gotten your answer. There’s peace in getting an answer you’ve longed to know.” Tali added to complement the pilot’s statement. “Though… if he does reciprocate, then you are a really lucky turian, Garrus.”
Garrus hoped he’d get that lucky. He really did.
He sighed, his fingers knacking and fidgeting on the sides of the console in light distress. This really only went one way or another for him: follow suit with their advice and confess attraction and brace for impact, or keep it hidden until it inevitably blows up on his face.
Could he even deal with the repercussions? Garrus had done damage mitigation back then, moreso on more tangible things, but never one with a potential romantic relationship. The potential jeopardy and harm towards the camaraderie that he and Shepard had built was likely, if he does a confession.
‘But it’s a now or never situation, isn’t it? High risk, high reward?’ He thought.
He let out a long exhale. It was time to be resolute.
It’s not exactly the best time to do it, as he believed. Shepard’s out actively recruiting an assassin and a justicar as he was told, and Garrus still did have an active vendetta against the very person that wronged him back in Omega. There were many more things that required a bigger attention from the commander but the confession isn’t one of them. But, he believed he will do something about it soon enough.
“I’ll confess- I’ll try to confess is what I meant to say. I just don’t believe that the right time is now. With everything that Shepard’s working on, my own feelings would have to be held until I find the right time.” Garrus said with a sense of finality.
“And if I do find that time, you two will be the first ones to know it first.”
“It’s better than doing nothing.” He could feel Joker shrug after he said that.
“Amazing! I’m glad you got to this conclusion Garrus.” And now he could feel Tali being content with his decision.
“Thank you guys. I’m glad that I got this whole ‘talking behind Shepard about being into him’ comms channel back again.”
“No problem, really.” “You’re very welcome.”
“Now I really need to get back into calibrating. This ship needs its new guns functional and ready.”
Garrus returned to calibrating at the console, but not before hearing his friends leave a final statement.
“You better get us some sweet gossip on how it’s gonna work out. Everything.” Joker said in jest, laughing with Tali before leaving the comms channel.
Garrus could only groan as he heard them laugh. But when they left, he chuckled to himself. Just a little.
His mind was considerably more at peace now, now that he made a decision. There’s still some lingering doubts left in his mind regarding it all but he made himself sure that he’d do this. He’ll confess, he knew that to himself.
And with his resolve strengthened, he got back to doing what he’s best at. Calibrating.