Chapter Text
Yelena added Bucky, Ava, Walker, Alexei, and Bob to the group chat. Monday, 8:14 pm.
Yelena renamed the chat: Roommates (Idiots)
Bucky: tf??
Walker: well hello to you too.
Bob: hi
Ava: hey
Walker: this gc being on messages is fucking annoying
Walker: can we have it on WhatsApp instead?
Yelena: no one cares that you have a fucking android Walker
Ava: preach
Alexei: HELLO
Alexei: IS THAT YOU, YELENA?
Yelena: oh my god this is so embarrassing
Yelena: dad, please type in lowercase
Alexei: HOW DO I DO THAT
Yelena: can one of you dipshits help him
Walker: I don’t see why this is my problem
Bucky: for christ’s sake can you guys go one second without breaking into an argument
Ava: no.
Yelena: of course not
Yelena: we’re the certified Walker Hate Club ™
Ava: I even made us the badges to prove it
Walker: I hate you
Walker left the chat
Yelena added Walker to the chat
Walker: let me fucking leave bitch
Yelena: as much as we mutually hate you, you’re unfortunately needed here
Walker: well that’s just great
Alexei: are my texts in lowercase now
Ava: yeah
Alexei: Yelena it worked! Bob helped me figure it out
Yelena: nice one, Bob!
Bob: of course
Bucky: can I ask why we all were added to this group chat in the first place?
Yelena: well I think it's glaringly obvious
Yelena: after val made that statement in front of the press, our lives have been turned completely upside down
Bob: about that lena… I had a thought
Yelena: hold on bob let me finish
Walker: damn right, moving day today was pretty rough
Ava: hauling all of my gaming shit from the truck to the elevator was absolute hell
Ava: and don’t even get me started on Bob’s massive army of stuffed animals
Bob: sorry
Ava: don’t apologize, that’s completely reasonable. The only unjustifiable thing was val’s security guards watching us like a pack of zoo animals without even offering to help
Ava: If I have to see that woman’s phony smile one more time I swear to god I’m throwing hands
Yelena: woah aves, calm down
Walker: for once I agree with ghostie
Ava: what the fuck did you just call me??
Bucky: you two, keep your shit together
Bucky: I’m tired and I do not need to be on babysitting duty again
Bob: guys why can’t we all be a happy family :(
Walker: we’ve never been a fucking family
Bucky: the “New Avengers” is practically the only thread holding us together
Alexei: and vodka, don’t forget the vodka
Yelena: dad, for the last time, what is with the vodka??
Alexei: it’s a tradition of mother Russia, no?
Walker: I can’t believe I have to share a room with this guy
Walker: why does god hate me
Yelena: being less of an asshole would probably help
Walker: you’re all sunshine and rainbows yourself, blondie
Bob: we’re all clinically depressed
Ava: no shit
Alexei: I know what would bring our spirits up! Organized therapy sessions
Bucky: fuck no I am not unpacking all of my trauma with you people
Bob: the horrors are too much
Yelena: I fear that would turn out disastrous
Ava: the building would be on fire by the end
Walker: I’d rather cut off all my limbs than go to therapy sessions with you all
Ava: that’s perfect I can get that sorted out for you in a couple of minutes <33
Walker: are you asking me to fight?
Yelena: OKAYY since we seem to be getting sidetracked let me clarify what this group chat is for
Yelena: we’ve become an official team, whether we like it or not, so we might as well have some official communication separate from val
Yelena: I’ve already surveyed the rooms and found all of the bugs and secret cameras she’s hidden
Bob: wtf I actually feel sick
Walker: FUCK NO get me out of here right now
Walker: creepy ass rich lady and her high tech gadgets
Bucky: oh great, nothing I’m not used to already
Ava: CAN SHE SEE MY TUMBLR REBLOGS????
Yelena: val’s infiltrated our actual living spaces with security cameras and you’re worried if she can see your tumblr reblogs??
Ava: I have a lot of chaotic posts on there okay…?
Alexei: So what's the game plan, lena? How are we busting ourselves out of here?
Yelena: that’s what I’m trying to figure out
Yelena: we have to slowly root ourselves under her skin until she can’t take it anymore, or alternatively find a diversion that can help us slip away
Bob: lena… I’m worried about something
Yelena: can it wait, Bob? I’m trying to scheme
Anonymous has entered the chat
Bucky: who tf is that
Walker: Bob please tell me the void didn’t escape again
Bob: I don’t think so?? I haven’t been feeling strange recently
Val: you thought you could hide from me, did you?
Val: there’s no escaping the inevitable
Ava: WHAT THE FUCKKKK
Yelena: oh shit
Bob: this is what I was worried about…
Walker: you knew this entire time that val was going to infiltrate the gc and you didn’t tell us?
Bob: I had a suspicion that we were underestimating mel, but you guys wouldn’t listen…
Yelena: I’m sorry Bob, I’ll make sure to hear you out next time
Val: Sentry here is right, it’s thanks to the tactful skills of my dear assistant that I’ve broken into your group chat
Mel: It was nothing, really
Bucky: Mel, you’re so much better than this
Mel: I declined your offer a while ago, Bucky
Mel: I’m loyal to val and val only
Val: Hah, take that you ruffians! You can’t corrupt my assistant that easily
Val: oh Yelena… you really thought you and your band of misfits could deceive me?
Yelena: we’ll never take orders from the likes of you
Val: pity… you’ll have to learn the hard way
Ava: and who says we couldn’t take you right now?
Val: that's absurdity, I have guards everywhere
Val: and much more important, I have all of the secret intel on each and every one of you to exploit your weaknesses
Ava: OH FUCK YOU’VE ACTUALLY SEEN MY TUMBLR REBLOGS?
Val: I’ve seen it all.
Val: you have quite the fixation on women, ava
Ava: okay I’m the world’s most disaster lesbian you might as well AIR THAT ON LIVE TELEVISION AT THIS POINT UGH!!!!
Val: Mel, take notes
Mel: of course ma’am
Walker: that’s just GREAT Ava, way to give them more ideas
Ava: OH DON’T PRETEND LIKE YOUR INTERESTS ARE ANY BETTER
Ava: YOU PUNCHED A FUCKING HOLE IN BUCKY’S WALL WHEN YOUR BASEBALL TEAM LOST A GAME
Walker: I WAS HAVING AN EMOTIONAL MOMENT
Bucky: You could have saved me the property damage, though
Bob: It was pretty violent..
Walker: Oh sorry mister ‘almost consumed New York City into a void with his evil shadow,’ I didn’t know you drew the line at mere PROPERTY DAMAGE VIOLENCE.
Val: this is even easier than I thought
Val: they’re already at each other’s throats, Mel. I didn’t even have to incite anything!
Mel: Val, you know they can see what you just sent, right?
Val: Is this not what you call ‘dms’??
Mel: you’re still in the group chat…
Val: well shit
Val: I could probably use another briefing on modern day technology
Bob: says the one invading our privacy with high tech bugs and security cameras in all of our rooms.
Val: My dear Bob, they were merely safety precautions, I never meant to use them deceitfully
Bob: it would have been nice to give us a notice
Val: Of course I had planned to tell you all, I was simply allowing you to settle into your spaces first
Val: I’m not the enemy that you’re trying to make me out to be
Yelena: Val, stay the fuck away from Bob
Yelena: I won’t let you manipulate him again with your treacherous lies
Val: of course, the white widow to the rescue! Who would have expected it
Val: We’ve known each other for a while, Yelena. And I’ve done far more extensive research on you than anyone else
Yelena: stalker much?
Val: I know about your history as a red room operative, your sister’s tragic fate, and your particularly interesting relationship with Miss Bishop
Yelena: How tf do you know about kate?
Walker: I’m sorry why is everyone here a lesbian
Walker: Does anyone here even like men?
Bob: me
Bucky: on good days
Walker: wtf
Val: pack it up, rainbowbolts
Ava: LMFAOOOOO I can see Mel’s influence is growing on you
Bob: that’s actually kind of accurate
Walker: wait I am definitely NOT included in this
Walker: I’m not gay
Ava: pfft I’ve seen you eyeing men in a definitely-not-heterosexual-way multiple times
Walker: fuck off Ava
Walker: I can admire a man’s beauty without being attracted to him
Bucky: that’s not what it looked like the other day when Alexei was changing out of his Red Guardian suit
Yelena: woah what??
Ava: LMAOOOOO CLOCKED
Alexei: DID SOMEONE CALL MY NAME? NOTHING TO FEAR, THE RED GUARDIAN IS HERE!!
Walker: I deeply despise all of you.
Val: aren’t you guys basically a- what’s that term, Mel? A polycule?
Mel: yes, that’s the right term. I can see it too
Ava: technically unofficially
Bucky: I thought I saw this coming eventually
Yelena: Bob Ava and I are already in a queer platonic relationship so why not extend it?
Bob: sharing is caring
Ava: yes!!
Walker: I have no idea what that means but my gut is screaming hell no
Walker: any relationship associated with you idiots makes me want to puke
Ava: too bad because we claimed you already
Ava: you’re our idiot to torment <33
Yelena: exactly
Bob: Ava, Lena, are we going to watch the movie soon?
Yelena: oh yes ofc
Ava: RIGHTTT I’ll go get some popcorn and hot chocolate
Bucky: What movie are you watching?
Bob: The Breakfast Club
Walker: Oh I hate that movie.
Yelena: Uncultured swine. That’s my favorite movie of all time
Bob: they’re kind of like us, don’t you think?
Bucky: they do remind me of us
Ava: I always loved Claire, she was a fashionable diva
Yelena: John always had a snarkiness that resonated with me, plus he’s also alternative
Bob: Allison is my comfort character <3
Walker: Andrew was the only sane person in the show, I don’t know what y’all are on about
Ava: bite me
Bucky: I’ve never watched it before
Ava: Bucky we’re dragging you with us, you NEED to see this movie
Yelena: It’s an 80’s classic
Ava: oh and you don’t mind if we raid the kitchen, do you?
Val: Go ahead, it’s not like I even use anything besides the minibar
Mel: Val, are you sure this is the best idea-
Val: Oh please, what’s the worst they can do?
Val: Why do I hear screaming… is that the fire alarm??
Mel: shit
Ava: EVERYTHING’S FINE… WE TOTALLY DIDN’T PUT THE POPCORN IN THE MICROWAVE FOR 10 MINUTES ON ACCIDENT
Bob: I thought I put it in for 1 minute :(
Walker: you bastards… now I feel an obligation to come help
Walker: What would you do without my expertise in the kitchen
Yelena: probably explode everything flammable in sight
Val: Mel, please disable that earsplitting alarm immediately
Val: and turn off the emergency sprinklers, they’re seriously ruining my tailored suit
Mel: on it, boss
Ava: oh no, what would you do without your 1k dollar suits???
Val: This is 2 grand, thank you very much
Val: I don’t appreciate the sarcasm, Ava, when I’m the one providing for your housing and amenities at Stark Tower
Bob: Does that mean I can have all of these oreos for free??
Val: as many as you want, but you’ll have to inform Mel if they run out so she can add them to the shopping list
Alexei: VODKA HERE I COME
Ava: hell yeah I’m gonna be drinking orange juice out of the fancy shit
Mel: was that the sound of glass shattering??
Ava: THAT WAS NOT ME I SWEAR- WALKER DID IT
Walker: YOU VERY OBVIOUSLY JUST DROPPED THAT WINE GLASS, AVA
Ava: BOB TESTIFY FOR ME
Bob: I… I wasn’t looking
Val: Mel, please add plastic drinking glasses to the shopping list…
Mel: already ahead of you
Val: I was planning on making this a longer conversation but you all are hopelessly preoccupied
Val: I think I’m checking out for the night. A glass of red, please, Mel
Mel: Aren’t you going to sleep
Val: Did I stutter?
Mel: of course not, ma’am, I’ll have it for you in a couple of minutes
Bob: you deserve a break, mel, you should join us
Yelena: It’s a little too soon to be extending movie night invites to our enemies, Bob
Bucky: she made her choice like she said earlier
Mel: I did… didn’t I?
Ava: look on the bright side, more popcorn for us
Ava: EEKKKK
Walker: GODDAMMIT AVA
Yelena: It sounds like they could use a little help
Val: why has this texting been going on for hours
Val: Mel how do I mute this
Mel: the toggle on the side of your phone should silence the group chat
Val: finally some peace and quiet
Val: I’ll deal with you losers in the morning
Ava: I hope you get lots of beauty rest with my shrieking!!
Val: Mel, let the night guards know that I’ve approved their taser usage
Yelena: fuck
Walker: Ava you’re going to get all of us killed
Bob: It’s okay, we have the power of friendship
Bucky: that’s reassuring
Yelena: hurry upstairs, gang! The movie’s starting
Ava: WE’RE COMINGGG