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I got my heartbroken not too long ago. I really thought he was the one. He made me feel like he was the one. So what went wrong?
I really thought I was the problem...
Caleb tried to comfort me.
"Pipsqueak, I made your favorite"
"Come down. The food is getting cold"
"Pipsqueak?"
"You need to eat something"
"You shouldn't starve yourself just because of some... who didn't recognize your worth... who didn't deserve you ..."
Of course, I was moved by his attempts. Caleb had always been so good to me ever since we were kids. He bandaged me when I had tripped and bruised my knee. Left all other duties and took care of me when I caught the cold. Made everyone who had been mean to me disappear. It wasn't because I was special, but because he was Caleb. Sweet, loving and caring Caleb. It was in his nature. He was perfect and well... I was me. I always liked it when his attention was on me. When he would allow me to snuggle up close to him whenever I had a nightmare. It was different now. I didn't want his comfort. I wanted needed the boy I loved so dearly to return to me.
I spent weeks rotting in my room. Of course, school was non-negotiable. I still had to go and see him. I hated every second of it. My weight gradually started going down too. If it wasn't obvious... my appetite had practically become non-existent. And Caleb would not stop nagging me to eat the food he would have prepared for us. For me. But I couldn't eat at all. I was too disgusted by myself.
I knew I was being an intolerable little brat towards Caleb. People like him would only suffer If they sympathized too deeply with a person like me. I didn't deserve his love. I didn't deserve anyone's love.
The day came where he finally sat me down and forced me to voice my problems. We rarely ever argued enough for him to do such but when we did and I found myself in such a position, I felt weak. Caleb got angry once every blue moon. Angry Caleb was scary. He absolutely despised it when I neglected him and myself, especially myself.
"Okay, Pips. I've had enough. How long are you going to do this to yourself? Do you really believe that tormenting yourself like this will bring him back?"
"Yes..." I whispered ,"I want him to know how much he hurt me. How worthless he made me feel-"
"Then what?"
"Then..." I was at a loss of words. Then what? We would get back together?
"Exactly, Pips. He sees your suffering. Maybe acknowledges it. Then what? You ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after? Open your eyes, Pipsqueak! He never deserved you. I only tolerated him because you loved him. Other than that..."
He stood up, evidently frustrated and paced around my room before walking back towards me.
Instinctively, I shifted backwards. His leaned forward and raised hand. I shut my eyes tightly not knowing what to expect. That's when I felt his fingers gently graze my chin which was immediately followed by him grabbing it and forcing me to look up towards him. In that moment, my eyes met his. I saw an emotion in them I had never seen before. Was it desperation? Longing? A corner of his lips twitched as if he had something to say. His mouth opened. Then shut. Then opened again. Still no words. He was hesitating. Unsure of his own feelings. I tried to study him. Maybe even predict his next move. When he started moving away, I panicked. Had he finally given up on me? Was he going to abandon me?
Caleb took a deep sigh before walking towards the door and grabbing the knob but he didn't open the door. Internal conflict. Part of him wanted to leave while the other part wanted to stay, to comfort, to protect... He was practically frozen in time... in a trance-like state which I snapped him out of when I crept up behind him and wrapped my arms around him.
"Caleb..." I said, my voice threatening to expose the fact that I was holding back tears. He did not move. My arms tightened around him.
"Are you... going to leave me, too?"
He didn't give an immediate response. I smiled weakly against his back.
"I knew-"
It all happened too fast for me to comprehend.
"-it. Caleb?"
My back was now against the door while he had one arm around my lower back, pulling me towards him while the other was just around my shoulders, securing me. His head was buried in my neck. I could feel his heartbeat. His warm breath against my neck. Everything.
"Are you comparing me to that bastard of an ex? Do you really believe that I'll leave you just like that? That I'm exactly like like him?"
I knew he would never. He was Caleb. My perfect Caleb who swore to protect me. Mine. He would never hurt me.
"Tongue-tied? Of course you are... I'm tired, Pipsqueak. Seeing you cry... seeing you purposely neglect your own health all for a guy who does not understand even a fraction of your worth. It's driving me insane. When will you realize that guys like him are not for you? That they can never love you the way I do?"
"Kiss me."
"What?
"Kiss me, Caleb... You said guys like him can never love me the way you do. Then... show me what it's like to be loved by you... What it feels like..."
Time stood still and the air grew thicker after I had said that. Neither of us dared to move. Neither of us dared to see where this would take us.
I was beginning to regret my words. Maybe I had misinterpreted something. In my attempt to fix things, I had made them worse.
"... sorry, I think I misunderstood... It's Okay if you want to leave... I just thought-"
The feeling of a warm pair of lips stopped me from continuing. Was this happening? Was Caleb really kissing me? I felt like pulling back. Not because I didn't want it but I was embarrassingly inexperienced for a girl who allegedly kissed her ex four times in a class full of other students. The memory haunted me. The idea that I had lost my first kiss to that... Talk about PTSD.
Caleb sensed that my focus was not on him and moved his arm lower to use as support in lifting me. After doing that, he then carried carried me towards my bed. What shocked me most was the fact that his lips did not leave mine. From the moment that he had lifted me up until he had me laid out for him on my bed. Lost in the moment, I looped my arms around the back of his neck, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. Our lips moved in sync. Each of us mirroring the other's need, drowning in a feeling of intense passion.