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Hidetoshi doesn’t think it’s fair.
‘You haven’t forgotten, have you? That I’m in love with you.’
He doesn’t think the world is on his side. He thinks this world is too cruel. Far, far too cruel to him. Was the world being cruel to him, or was it him being cruel to himself? Was he so caught up on making amends left and right, thus forgetting that he also needed to make up with himself?
‘Tell me what you think when I become more worthy of you.’
When, is it exactly that he became worthy of her? Of her who shines so brightly, of her who shows him things that he didn’t realize, of her who made head turns and heart beats, of her, who oh so unbelievably, let him in on her circle of comfort. Too good to be true, really.
What is exactly the standard for this ‘worth’? Was it still too much for him to share these unspeakable feelings, even with the one who he bares his vulnerability with? These feelings, that he treated with such wariness, with such care, maybe is still too much for his own heart.
Maybe it was karma, or something like that. Maybe it was the punishment of his ignorance and his arrogance. Maybe that’s why he was so embarrassed to admit it to himself. Admittedly, he still had some loose threads here and there at that time. But, really, which of it was the reason he couldn’t push through but his cowardness?
‘I hope that day comes before you forget about me.’
Kotone was never a liar. Never, never a liar. Hidetoshi couldn’t help but to let out a bitter chuckle every time he remembered the things he said to her. She was too honest, maybe a little too much for her own good. But what could Hidetoshi say about being honest and good?
In the end, what left is regret. The regret of the chances he didn’t take, the regret of his cowardice. The regret of thinking there’s still time. Humans are such foolish creatures. He himself is a testament of this saying.
Time. Such an abundant resource, yet so scarce when in need. The sole thing tying everything together, yet always forgotten. Time, the hardest thing to be forgiven. Hidetoshi lacks time. Or, Kotone lacks time. Maybe both of them are lacking. Hidetoshi doesn’t know.
He didn’t know why he was so afraid to love. Love. The word still tastes foreign in his mouth, no matter how many times he said it in his heart. It feels wrong on him to keep this locked and stuffed inside his heart, yet he couldn’t bear to bare his most vulnerable part out loud. If, by being quiet about it, by keeping it close to his heart, and by saying it in his head again and again like a prayer can make the chance of him actually realizing this wish within him, then he could do this time and time until he can’t anymore.
He was a coward. He is still a coward. He didn’t dare to dream and wish for something too high. Kotone was the highest of them all. He was keeping it all to himself, all too embarrassed to think that he could stand side by side with her while being more than just friends. All too embarrassed with his wishful thinking. All too embarrassed to admit that the thought of her being next to him always speed his heartbeat up. All too embarrassed of the impossibility.
Hidetoshi doesn’t think it’s fair.
He thinks the world is too cruel. Far, far too cruel.
In the dream I don’t tell anyone, you put your head in my lap.
Let’s say you’re driving down the road with your eyes closed but my eyes are also closed.
You’re by the side of the road.
You’re by the side of the road and you’re doing all the talking while I stare at my shoes.
They’re nice shoes, brown and comfortable, and I like your voice.
In the dream I don’t tell anyone, I’m afraid to wake you up.
– I Had a Dream About You, Richard Siken