Chapter Text
Wednesday, May 8th
Stede stood in front of the bar’s door, fiddling with his sleeves and adjusting his shoulders. His clothes felt too-tight and ill-fitting, like they had been tailored for a different person. They had been, in a way, he supposed. Wasn’t he a completely different person now than he had been when he wore them last? The dark teal fabric looked fetching against his pale complexion, and the burnt orange detailing gave it much needed contrast. The colors were rich and vibrant, and they reminded him of Ed.
Ed.
He hasn’t been back here in three months, and honestly, he’s not sure what to expect when he walks through the door.
He couldn’t hope for Ed to melt back into his arms like nothing had ever happened, and Stede hadn’t just disappeared without a word. Well, not exactly…he had disappeared after promising Ed that he would stay. The blond winced as he remembered the last time he had seen the other man, sleeping peacefully in his bed, dark hair fanned out on the pillow around his head. All the lines and creases in his face were smoothed out, making him look more innocent, younger. Angelic, he thought, in time with his past self.
There would be anger, sure. Hurt, probably. Would Ed give him an opportunity to apologize? To explain? Stede didn’t want to make excuses, couldn’t excuse his behavior. Or would the other man throw him out of the bar as soon as he saw him, refusing to give Stede a chance to fix what he had broken? Because he had broken it. He had taken the delicate crystalline structure of their relationship and smashed it on the floor, for no other reason than his own insecurity and misplaced sense of duty.
The sign that hung over the door was the old one, the one that Ed had replaced with Stede’s help. It was weathered from decades of hanging over the door: Blackbeard’s Bar & Grill, the austere typography belying none of the warmth inside. When he had left, the sign they had designed together was in its place, a vibrant purple with kraken tentacles wrapped around the words. That wasn’t a good omen.
“No sense in delaying. You are adequate,” he whispered to himself before pushing the door open and striding in.
“Welcome to–” a familiar voice rasped from the host stand. Stede braced himself; Izzy would pose an obstacle for Stede getting to Ed and even having the opportunity to say his piece. He wasn’t a fan of Stede’s, and he guarded Ed like an attack dog. Or maybe a vicious purse dog.
He met the little man’s eyes and waited. Izzy sucked his teeth when he saw Stede, but said nothing, instead pulling out his phone and shooting off a text. Was he warning Ed that Stede was here? That was odd.
It wasn’t like Izzy. He wouldn’t hesitate to go for Stede’s throat, especially with as bare as it was. He would be the one to bodily remove Stede from the restaurant if Ed asked for it. Hell, he was probably itching for the opportunity. Maybe he had instructions to let Stede through? But even then, he doubted Ed’s right hand man would be able to keep himself from some nasty comment or another.
Setting that aside, he scanned the restaurant quickly for any indication of where Ed might be. It didn’t take long–he was tending bar. Without sparing another word or glance at Izzy, Stede set his path to Ed. He was a vision, wearing a purple crop top that Stede knew from experience was so soft to the touch, black jeans ripped at the knees, and his favorite Dr. Marten’s. His beard was gone, only a short amount of scruff barely covering his jawline, and he had dark circles under his eyes, but other than that, the time apart hadn’t changed him. His movements were so practiced, graceful, as he polished glasses and put them away.
Seeing Ed in person after all this time, it felt like a cool drink of water after days in the desert. Even if he were facing the wrath he should be for abandoning Ed without even the flimsiest explanation, it would have been worth it for just a glance at him. He let himself greedily drink the other man in.
Stede tried to speak, but his mouth wouldn’t work. He swallowed a couple of times, throat clicking, before he was able to squeak out the quietest, “Hello.” His face felt like it had been pulled tight over his skull, and the tension in his shoulders made it hard for him to breathe.
Ed turned at the sound of his voice and gave Stede a bright smile, “Hey, welcome in. Is this your first time at Blackbeard’s?”
Confused for a second, the blond’s mind raced. Was it possible that Ed was giving Stede an out? Letting them start with a blank slate? He decided to play along.
“No, I’ve been in before. A few times.”
“Now, I don’t believe that, I think I would have remembered you,” Ed flirted, then winked. It felt wrong.
“I came back–”
“Back? Uh–You never left?”
“Are you sure that you’ve never seen me? I’ve spent quite a lot of time here at the bar,” Stede teased back, trying to ease back into the flow that he had had with Ed before he left.
Ed’s handsome face creased in confusion, “You sure? I’m here most nights and I really don’t remember seeing you.”
“Yeah I’m sure, spent a long time talking to you, too. But I’ve been out of town recently, so it’s been a while.”
“Oh, so you haven’t been here in a couple of years? Is that what you meant when you said you came back?”
“No, only a few months. My father died–”
“Aw, sorry to hear that.” Stede studied Ed’s face. He wouldn’t have thought that Ed, even pretending in this scenario, would ever actually show sympathy for Edward Bonnet’s passing. Not with everything he knew about Stede’s childhood. But there was no hint that Ed had any recollection of those painful stories–stories of a small Stede desperate for love but neglected by the people whose responsibility it was to do it. Certainly not with his own shitty dad looming in the background.
“Don’t be. He wasn’t a good man.” Stede’s facial expression was shifting from apprehension to something more complex. He noticed as something passed over Ed’s face. It wasn’t recognition, exactly, but understanding. Sympathy maybe? It was not what Stede expected; it was
wrong.
“Ah, fuck, man, well I know all about shit dads. Here, first drink is on me. What will it be?” His commitment to the bit was strong. Ed would know what Stede always orders, and before, he would have just started mixing it.
“Sea Breeze, please.”
“Ha, that rhymes,” Ed looked back at the bar, considering the liquor and various mixers at his disposal. “Can I interest you in an Ocean Breeze instead? Still fruity, but a little different. Coconut, raspberry, cranberry, and pineapple.” Stede’s smile froze for a moment, and the first traces of a frown formed between his eyebrows. He was allergic to pineapple, and Ed knew that. Is this a passive aggressive bid to, what, throw Stede off balance? What would the purpose of the offering be? He told Stede what was in it, so it’s not like he was trying to actually poison him.
“Oh, no. I’m allergic to pineapple, re-remember?”
“Sorry, mate, I really don’t remember seeing you here before. Best to avoid that though, huh?” He flashed a flirtatious smile at Stede, and winked as he grabbed a cocktail shaker from the rack.
Stede searched Ed’s face for a clue as to where to go from here. He thought about the last few minutes, considering each word like it was its own puzzle. There was no pretense there, no hesitation like Ed was reminding himself that he was playing a game. Each of his reactions had been fast, authentic. It didn’t feel like a fuckery, as Ed would put it.
Stede felt the first bloom of horror as he stared at the beautiful dark eyes that have been etched just inside his own eyelids since he left. He wished for the anger, sadness–anything except the blank unrecognition on the other man’s face. His former…lover? Boyfriend? Regarded him like a stranger.
“Can I help you, mate? You look sick.”
“Ed…” Stede started, breathless.
The other man frowns, tilting his head as though he was trying to work something out. “Seriously, have we met before? I feel like an asshole for not recognizing you.” There was no malice on Ed’s face, it was open and lovely. This was all wrong. Nothing had changed, not really. This was his Ed. Well, not his Ed. Not anymore. Stede sure had seen to that.
The first time they met was on the beach, at a party thrown by Roach, Lucius and Pete’s friend. Ed strolled right up to Stede with a cocky smile and sparkling eyes.
“Stede Bonnet, I presume.” Flummoxed, Stede had looked behind him, as if the handsome stranger wearing leather pants in the sand could have been talking to anyone else.
“Y–You’ve heard of me?”
“Oh, yes. I’ve heard all about you,” Ed had purred, sauntering in closer before snagging a cookie off Stede’s plate and eating it. “I work with Roach.”
“You work for Blackbeard, too?” The bearded man stopped and seemed to consider his response for a minute.
“Never thought about it like that, suppose I do. ‘M Ed,” he replied, holding out his hand to shake. “Edward Teach.”
Suddenly, Stede had remembered Roach talking about his boss, Ed. “You are Blackbeard, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, mate. I am.”
“Well, I supposed I should warn you that anything you’ve heard about me is likely grossly exaggerated,” Stede remarked, a self-deprecating grin on his face.
“Oh, I dunno about that. So far you’re matching up.”
They spent the rest of the night chatting with each other–Stede never felt so at ease in his life. It was nothing like this new ‘first meeting.’ He felt wrongfooted; the queasy feeling he got when the Badmintons were up to something cruel was creeping in.
Another person walked up to the bar from behind Stede, stood on the foot rail under the stools and leaned in.
“Hey babe!” Ed cried, face bright and smiling, like he used to look at Stede. The new person leaned over and they kissed. Oh god, Stede was nauseated. He was going to be sick right here on the floor. The stranger turned and immediately, jealousy and anger washed over him in equal turns.
“Can I help you, or are you just gonna stand there with your fuckin’ mouth open?” a lazy voice drawled. “You can stay here, but it’s $20 to watch,” he smirked. He had dingy blond hair, a thick mustache and was wearing a fringed suede jacket. Jack fucking Rackham.
“Jack!” Ed said in mock exasperation, smacking him with the rag that had previously been slung over his shoulder and giggling like a teenager. Stede’s body went cold, fingers already numb like hypothermia was setting in–his eyes darted around the room, looking for the trap that was about to spring. He was instantly transported back to when he was a schoolboy, blithely wandering into a joke that was being played on him by the other boys. The last time that happened, he ended up with his hands tied to oars, forced into a row boat on the water for hours until he passed out from exhaustion.
They had met a couple times before Stede and Ed started dating, when they were still in that nebulous territory between friends and something more. Jack and Ed had been together on and off for years before he’d met Stede–Jack always refusing to commit and Ed clinging to the hope that he would someday be enough for Jack to love. The wannabe cowboy knew how to keep that door cracked open just enough that Ed hung on, kept hanging on, waiting for the other man to come through.
Stede had never been a fan of Jack’s. He was loud, and crude, and he had treated Ed abominably. In the weeks before Stede and Ed had finally, finally kissed, Stede had held the other man in his arms as he cried about not being lovable, not understanding why that had always seemed out of reach for him.
In Stede’s opinion, Ed was infinitely lovable. He was smart, kind, funny, generous, beautiful, …perfect. He was everything. His forehead creased in confusion as he watched Ed lean on his elbows looking lovesick after the man that had caused him so much pain and self-doubt. Okay, Stede had also caused him pain, so why wasn’t Ed furious with them both? Dark eyes turned back to him and a frown matching Stede’s crossed his face.
“Seriously, man. You alright? Need another drink?” His mouth dry like it usually was when he was about to wake up from a nightmare, Stede blinked. He looked one last time at Jack, who narrowed his eyes and smirked, before turning and walking out of the bar, dazed. The weight of the interaction starts to press in on him, dragging down his head, his shoulders. He was nearly hunched over when he got to the host stand, feeling very much like gravity had suddenly doubled around him.
He supposed he deserved it. What sort of fool turns their back on the love of their life? Ed deserved to be happy, and Stede had treated him so carelessly. He would have been impressed if it wasn’t so devastating. How could Ed pretend not to know him so completely? It was like staring at a stranger.
On his way out, he passed by Izzy who gave Stede a nasty smile and ground out, “Thanks for coming to Blackbeard’s, sir. Come again soon.”
***
“You guys, I don’t understand! It wasn’t just pretending, it was like he’d never met me!” Stede cried, tears poured down his face, unabashed. He held a glass half full of wine as Mary, Doug, Lucius, and Pete looked on in sympathy. “But I swear, Jack and Izzy both recognized me. They didn’t say anything, but there was something in their eyes.
“I’m sorry, that must have been very confusing,” Mary cooed, stroking his arm.
“I–I was prepared for him to be angry, but this was so much worse. I didn’t know he was cruel. And how was he doing it so well?”
“Best to just… move on, yeah? I’m fantastic at breakups, we can get you back in the saddle in no time,” Lucius said, leaning forward like he was about to engage in some hot gossip. “In fact, I–”
Stede barreled forward as if he never heard Lucius. “But why was he with Jack? That asshole treated him terribly. How could he forgive him like that?”
“Stede, who knows? But it seems like there was a pretty clear message. Let him be,” Mary sighed, exasperated.
Stede scoffed, “You know I’m not going to let this go, Mary. This seems like the kind of thing that Izzy and Jack would do. Do you think they put him up to it?”
“If he went along with it, that means that he agrees with it, Stede,” Lucius’ voice took on an edge of desperation, like he just wanted to move on. Stede glared at his best friend. Why were they not as upset about this as him? Clearly something was wrong.
“That’s not Ed! He holds a grudge, he can’t hold in that anger, even to make a poi–”
“Enough! Guys, if you don’t tell him, I will,” Pete shouted, cutting Stede off. His face was furious, Stede had never seen him look like that.
“Babe, no. Read the roo–” Lucius started in, reaching for his boyfriend as he stood from the armchair he occupied. Pete shook him off, which was unusual in its own right. Usually he hung onto Lucius like his life depended on it, like he could only breathe if they were in physical contact.
“You’re not doing him any favors by hiding it! Better to just rip off the bandaid.”
“Tell me what?” Stede whispered, eyes darting back and forth as Mary and Lucius argued with Pete over him.
“He’s not your child, you can’t protect him. We all knew that Blackbeard was going to move on from him, bu–”
“PETE!” Lucius hissed, and Stede held in a wounded little gasp.
“This isn’t about his feelings, he needs to–”
“And you just get to decide what Stede needs to know?” Mary whisper-yelled. She is half up out of her chair as well, Doug’s hand on her back as a grounding force. Her face was fierce, the normally soft curves of her face sharpened in anger.
“You get to decide what he shouldn’t know?” Pete countered. He was fully up out of his chair and rifling through his backpack that he had dropped by the front door. He pulled out a small piece of paper from the front pocket.
“You brought it with you?” Lucius asked, dumbfounded, looking at his partner, confused. He sat back down, hands on his knees, palms up like he had no idea what to do with them.
“What is it?” Stede muttered, his voice louder. If they knew what was going on with Ed, he needed to know. What if Ed needed his help? What if Jack was blackmailing him? Pete strode towards him, sure and sharp. He glared at Mary over Stede’s head as he thrust the slip of paper into Stede’s hands.
“What is this?” he pleaded again. Surely this was some sort of prank. Why were they in on it?
“We received it in the mail about a month after you left to take over the business,” Mary explained, hand back on Stede’s arm, no longer stroking, just a constant gentle pressure like she was staunching a bleeding wound. Her voice came out as a resigned sigh. The words on the page didn’t make sense. Why didn’t they make sense?
Dear Mr. Spriggs and Mr. Black ,
Edward Teach has had Stede Bonnet wiped from his memory. Please do not mention their relationship to him again.
Spanish Jackie’s Clinic
“No, what is this?” Stede repeated, eyes wide and frantic, searching between his friends, looking for answers. The world dulled around him, his heartbeat thudding in his ears. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat as he looked to Mary. “What did he do ?”
The pity in their faces said everything Stede needed to know. Someone came up behind him and wrapped him in a hug. Oh. Lucius.
“You know Ed, he’s whim-prone. He probably did it after 5 minutes of consideration,” the younger man said, rubbing his back gently, like a mother comforting their infant.
“Did what ?”
“Spanish Jackie’s–they advertise a, well, a way to erase bad memories. Get rid of a painful past, move towards a brighter future,” Lucius explained.
“Surely that’s an exaggeration. Or maybe like a euphemism for therapy? They can’t really be erasing people’s memories.”
“It seems pretty legit, I don’t know. You saw the effects,” Mary responded.
“Why didn’t I get one of these?”
“They probably sent it to your old place; you still haven’t gone home, Stede,” Mary hedged.
“Stede, you were gone. Things got…bad..for him…” As he trailed off, Lucius looked to Mary, searching for approval to share whatever he was holding back. Whatever he was searching for, he received as he spoke again.
“We went to Blackbeard’s to check on him and he threw me out. Literally had Fang bounce me. He looked awful, eyeliner smeared like he had been crying, shaved off his beard. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He wasn’t okay.”
Stede was an anchor being dropped through the water, plummeting, marveling at how much colder and darker the world could become before he crashed into the unforgiving bottom of the ocean. He knew that he had fucked up. He–Stede only ruined things. Leaving Ed was a hard choice, but Stede had believed that Ed would be okay, believed it with his whole heart. He knew that he would forget about Stede quickly and find someone who could love him properly. He guessed he was right about Ed forgetting Stede.
Anger flared hot in the pit of his stomach. When his father died, he had saddled Stede with the family business, meaning he had to take over at the head office. Chauncey Badminton had tracked him down while he was out with Ed and reminded Stede of what he was: weak-hearted, soft-handed, lily-livered little rich boy: riding on his father’s coattails, an embarrassing hanger on of Blackbeard’s, failed as a husband. The only thing he was going to be good for was taking over in this role he’d literally been bred to do.
He and Ed had fought about it. Ed begged Stede not to go, and in the heat of the moment, Stede agreed. But later that night, after they had stopped by Blackbeard’s for Ed’s shift and when he watched Ed sleep next to him, he realized that Ed couldn’t really see who he was. That he had this false idea of Stede. So he fled, like a coward in the night. He didn’t answer any phone calls or texts from Ed. Asked Mary to explain where he’d gone. It was a clean break. Easier.
Except. Except that the months following were miserable. Everything reminded him of Edward and the days and nights they had spent together. He missed the way they laughed together. Missed his best friend. One night, he was talking to Mary on the phone about it and how leaving Ed made him feel like he was suffocating. “Being with him is as easy as breathing,” he’d cried to her.
“You idiot,” she had snapped. “You love him. You’re in love with him.” Just as suddenly as he had left town, he had returned. Not stopping for anything, not even going home to change his travel-worn clothes, he found himself standing in Blackbeard’s for that humiliating encounter. He didn’t think Ed would be there waiting for him, but he had hoped that he would have the opportunity to apologize.
After a moment, his anger turned towards the real cause of his pain and he felt himself collapsing in on himself like a dying star. He fell to the ground, a sob ripping from his throat. It had taken him nearly 40 years to finally find love, and he let it slip through his fingers. And worse! The man he loves was now with someone who had taken advantage of him and took him for granted for years. He felt powerless, staring down at his hand which had unknowingly crumpled the small postcard in his hand.
He must have gone into some sort of shock because he could only vaguely remember Mary gathering him up off the floor with Doug, supporting him to the guest bedroom, taking off his shoes and tucking him in. He remembered Mary whispering gentle words above him, while stroking his hair, a headache forming from crying too hard, and the lamp light clicking off.
The next morning, he woke up squinting. The blinds in the bedroom hadn’t been closed the night before so a sunbeam hit him squarely in the face, feeling torturous. Every time he closed his eyes against the blazing light, all he could see was Ed’s open and sweet face, looking at him expectantly from beside Jack.
He came into his body slowly and noticed that there was something jumping on his bladder. Two somethings. “Alma, Louis,” Stede chastised the two cats he had left with Mary after the divorce. “Please, you’re going to make me pee myself.” He groaned as he levered himself out of bed, gently nudging the felines off his body, he planted his socked feet on the floor, and he trudged to the bathroom.
“Good morning, you look like death warmed over,” Doug said cheerfully in the hallway. Too exhausted and emotionally wrung out to really respond, he just glared at the other man silently. He liked Doug, he really did (after he and Mary split, he had become one of Stede’s closest friends), but he would have melted the other man with that glare if he could have.
Morning ablutions taken care of, Stede met his ex-wife in the kitchen. She was cooking a mess of scrambled eggs and toast for them to eat for breakfast, singing to herself, music playing through the speaker by the stove. She turned the music down when she saw Stede, greeting him gently.
“Thank you for cooking, darling,” Stede mumbled, embarrassed at having been taken care of like a child throwing a tantrum the night before.
“You’re welcome. I imagined you would be hungry after last night.”
Honestly, though, he wasn’t. His stomach was tied up in knots thinking about how badly he had hurt Ed, to the point that the man wiped him from his memory. He hummed noncommittally, knowing that he was going to at least nibble at it to avoid a lecture from Mary.
“I’m sorry about Ed. But at least you can move on now.”
“Mary, I don’t think that I can. There isn’t anyone that could compare to Ed.”
She eyed him wearily. “Stede, you cannot force your way into his life again. You already hurt him once. He has moved on and healed the only way he thought he could. It would be selfish. Not to mention, it would be unethical to try and reestablish a relationship with him, knowing so much more about it than he does.”
Stede groaned, leaning his elbows on the table and leaning his head into his hands. “I know! Okay, I know. And I know that I made a mistake, I’m sorry.”
“I’m not the one you need to apologize to. And the person you do need to apologize to doesn’t know you did anything wrong. So, just let’s get you moved on. You may not find another Ed, but you can still find a way to be happy.”
He closed his eyes and Ed’s face haunted him again, this time smiling at Jack . Because his brain was a dick, it played the seconds of their kiss over and over again on loop. It was like being in one of Dante’s circles of hell.
“I doubt it. I don’t think I can be happy as long as I know Ed is out there and…out of reach. Out of my reach forever.” He laid his head on the table next to his plate, relishing the cool wood on his forehead.
Ed had looked so at peace. There was no trace of the betrayal he had suffered at Stede’s hands, no remnants of regret. He could live his entire life without having to relive the pain of waking up alone.
“Stede–”
“I think I need to–”
He was speaking before he really knew what he was going to say, but as the words dropped from his mouth, weighted by the guilt of what he had done all those months ago, he knew his decision was already made. By the looks of it, Mary knew what he was thinking, too.
“No, Stede. It’s not going to fix anything.”
“It might, you don’t know.”
“I do know, it’s another way for you to run away from your problems.”
“You said it yourself, it healed Ed. It can heal me.”
“...that’s not what I meant.”
But it was–well, actually, it was better than healing. It had removed the damage all together.
“If he can do it, I can, too.”
“Ste–”
“I’m going to Spanish Jackie’s.”