Work Text:
The evening couldn’t get worse, yet the walls were sinking in at every second.
Hedwig knew that playing a show so early after the unfortunate car crash she and Tommy caused wouldn’t go well. But, against her clearly better judgement, she agreed to it. Phillis, the good agent she was, somehow managed to secure an actual theatre for her, not just some 3rd grade restaurant or a random place, right next to a venue Tommy was playing at.
The audience was packed, tickets reportedly sold out within an hour of the show being announced. No wonder, Hedwig thought. Who wouldn’t want to peer at the dubiously gendered punk rock vocal stylist after the tabloid coverage she received?
Partly, the car crash wasn’t her doing, but then again, she could have stopped Tommy and tried to either sober him up a little or talk him out of driving a limo while high as a kite and not keeping both his hands on the steering wheel, since he was holding a bottle of vodka in the other. And she probably shouldn’t have done him those favors while driving either.
But she simply couldn’t say no to him. To her poor wayward Tommy.
When the snowy white limousine stopped in front of her in Soho and Tommy looked up at her from the backseat, she was immediately saddened by the sight. The sun kissed boy she knew back from Junction City was incredibly pale and gaunt, his blue eyes, rimmed with tons of black eyeliner, rid of all life they once held and vacant, his once light brown hair now dyed darker and laying in messy twists around his head and his clothes all black vinyl and ripped fishnet leaving an alarming amount of skin showing for the freezing temperature outside.
Hedwig knew that Tommy was not in his right mind during the car ride, but what he said remained in her mind for days now. He clearly wanted to apologize. For running away. For not crediting her on the album she wrote each song to. For completely fucking up the lyrics to Origin of Love when he recorded it in the studio. For not trying to reach out.
For how much she tried to either not care or outright bash him during her concert, deep down she knew she would forgive him over and over. Sure, before that car crash, she did wholly detest him for stealing her work and passing it off as his own. But seeing him so lost, so vacant, so not like the boy she knew back then, broke something in her. It was she who partly caused this to happen. Sure, the mass of the blame for what has become of Tommy was on the shoulders of whatever agents and creative directors he had, but it was still Hedwig who gave him his name and started the entire avalanche of his life.
Hedwig wasn’t even able to get out of herself a single note of that goddamn song she helped Tommy figure out right before he ran away. Other evenings, it was easy to sing, a simple way to show off how much better her original version is. But today, the lyrics hit too close to home. As if the words they wrote together were now pointing daggers right into her face and blaming her for all the mess she caused.
She didn’t know whether Yitzhak taking over the song and performing instead of her was a blessing or a curse. Hedwig had to contend that Yitzhak did have a voice perfectly suited for this song. Strong, able to carry notes that were usually a challenge for her to reach, yet also vulnerable. And the audience evidently loved it.
Yet, with her unfortunate husband singing the same accusing lyrics just a few feet from her, Hedwig felt even worse. She knew she was not the best partner Yitzhak could have, that their marriage was (at least on her end) of a transactional value. But just now, she realized what a total bitch she has been to him and just how much abuse from her end he has already been through. And yet, he stayed with her until now.
But, suddenly, he was gone as well. Stormed out with a desperate scream as soon as he slammed the auditorium door behind him.
Hedwig knew that she just spectacularly messed up.
And she didn’t know just how she would keep herself together until the end.
As she was screaming out the lyrics to Exquisite Corpse, she simultaneously felt like she was about to throw up each of her internal organs, until she herself remained like that empty paper shroud she sang of. Her head was spinning, and she didn’t want to exist any longer.
The room was too hot, spinning in her vision as if she were on a merry-go-round and the guy selling tickets decided to try out what would happen if he let the ride run at maximum speed. There were too many eyes on her. She felt like she was suffocating. In that stupid dress made out of bejeweled cellophane, in that black bra that hid two ripe tomatoes. In the wig that was giving her the biggest headache after her refusing to pull it off of her head for over a week straight. In the makeup that she was at this point sure has already half dripped off. In her skin, that felt like it didn’t belong to her.
She wanted to rip it off. Maybe the pain she was feeling was just surface level and that would make it go away.
So, she ripped into herself, tearing off everything piece by piece. The wig was amongst the first to go. Then the dress, the bra and the tomatoes.
Standing there, in the madly flashing lights, in the middle of a crater of destruction created out of discarded pieces of Hedwig, she let out a loud sob and ran away backstage in nothing but the black boxers that remained on her and some final remnants of makeup around her eyes. She ran and ran, out the emergency exit, into the back alley filled with trashcans.
‚Finally, I am among my own,‘ Hedwig thought with that irony that was so typical to her. And leaning against the brick wall of the theatre, she quietly sobbed.
Sobbed for what her life has become, sobbed for the little gay boy she used to be back in East Berlin and whom she allowed to be destroyed, sobbed for the awful woman she forced herself to become, sobbed for Tommy and sobbed for Yitzhak.
„Hedwig? Is that really you?“ A soft, hesitant voice sounded in the alleyway. Hedwig lifted her gaze from the ground.
It was Tommy.
She rose from the ground. Standing there face to face with him, Hedwig was sure that at that moment they almost looked like mirror images of one another. Short and messy dark hair, rings of smudged black eyeliner around the eyes, bare chests and only black boxers covering them up.
Why is he here? Why isn’t he at that concert of his, singing to all those adoring teenage girls that followed his every footstep? Did his concert ticket sales bomb so hard after the car crash that the show was cancelled? Or did his fans turn against him and chase him out of his show? Or did he let an entire stadium worth of fans wait while he came here? Why bother seeking her out? Isn’t he cold? Isn’t he hurt? Is he in the same hellish predicament as her?
Suddenly, Tommy started singing to her. The same song he first heard her sing at Dr. Espresso’s Bar. And yet, the lyrics were new to Hedwig. Tommy must have written them himself.
He was apologizing to her. He! To her! Hedwig knew she should be the one to be apologizing.
But his words suddenly filled her with that ancient clarity she thought she felt as they kissed for the first time. Even if his words hurt, she now knew them to be true. They were completely breaking her world apart, it seemed.
She indeed now knew that there was no set plan for her to manage her life by. There was no fated other half of herself waiting for her out there, divided from her long ago. There was nobody out there, that would make her „whole“. She is the only one that can do that.
The tears slowly stopped falling down Hedwig’s cheeks. The world may have felt like it broke apart just then, but she knew that it was not a breaking apart resulting in destruction. It was forming a newer world for her, where she can finally be free. Not depending on fulfilling some prophecy that she believed.
Tommy stepped closer to her and with his thumb, he traced the shape of a cross on her forehead. Hedwig felt him leaving a trail of paint on her skin with his touch. She managed to smile slightly. The same mark she bestowed on him on that unfortunate day, the same he to this day wore while singing, he was now bestowing on her.
They now were truly mirrors of one another.
They quietly vocalized a few of the song’s notes, their voices joining once again, just like back in Kansas.
Tommy hesitantly stepped back from her. Hedwig only gave him a little, sincere smile and a gentle nod.
‘Go. Don’t worry about me. I will take care of myself.’ she seemed to say.
Tommy smiled back at her, his eyes glassy. “Goodbye, Hedwig … Be happy …”
Both of them turned and went back to where they came from. Hedwig didn’t know if she would see Tommy again. This very well could have been the last time. But she knew that she can’t hold Tommy by her side or in her mind forever.
It was high time to let go.
Hedwig returned back through the backstage. She didn’t know whether she spent just a minute or an hour in that alley. All she knew was that she had a major revelation, her world just turned upside down and there was a show to finish and wrongs to mend.
Hedwig walked out onto the stage and felt all the eyes, including the band, on her. Up until now, they all watched a glamorous drag queen far too preoccupied with her many, many blonde wigs and extravagant clothes. But now, all of that was stripped from her, laying abandoned on the stage. And who stood before them now was just Hedwig, without pretense and in all their humanity and vulnerability. Looking far too similar to the rock icon Tommy Gnosis, whom Hedwig helped create.
Hedwig carefully stepped closer to the pile that just a while ago used to be part of her. She motioned to the band to start playing and as she did so, she saw that Yitzhak had returned. He was huddled by Skszp’s side, eyes still red from crying. But through that hurt, he was looking at her with shock. He has never seen her in a state like this. Ever since they met back in Zagreb, Hedwig swore to never take her wigs off around him. Maintaining the balance, she called it back then.
She now knew just what an asshole she was for doing that. For forbidding Yitzhak from being his drag queen self, Krystal Nacht, again. Hedwig refused to put it into words until now, because the confession hurt, but part of why she did so was because she was an envious bitch. She saw how Yitzhak lit up when he was Krystal, how femininity was easy and natural for him, while Hedwig herself always struggled and fought with it.
But now, Hedwig knew she could mend her past errors.
Reaching down for the discarded blonde wig she wore before, she beckoned Yitzhak to come to her. He hesitantly did so. Hedwig reached out, wig in hand, handing the blonde explosion to her husband. Yitzhak took it into his hands and turned it around, ready to put it back onto Hedwig’s head.
For the first time, Hedwig stepped away.
‘No. It’s yours. I don’t need it anymore. Take it and be free. Be whole again.’ Hedwig seemed to say with just her gaze.
Yitzhak gazed at her, wide-eyed, before the biggest smile Hedwig has ever seen blossomed on his face and happy tears welled up in his eyes. Yitzhak hugged her like no one else ever hugged her. It was an embrace full of gratitude. He put the wig on and Hedwig could only smile as she fixed the bangs for him. This certain number always looked a little weird on her, but now, it looked like it was made specifically for Yitzhak to one day wear.
Their hands connected and they swayed from side to side to the music as Hedwig sang. Sang of the completeness both of them now understood.
Hedwig let go of him. She knew she had to. Yitzhak has suffered enough with her already. Just as she let go of Tommy, she had to let go of Yitzhak sa well. She just watched him take few steps into the backstage before turning to the audience and continuing the song. She didn’t know where Yitzhak’s steps would take him now. Perhaps he would go and play in that Polynesian cruise tour of Rent, like he intended to. But a part of her hoped that he was now on the way to their hotel, about to pack up his bag and leave her for good.
So, it was more of a shock to her when she suddenly heard Yitzhak’s voice singing together with her. She opened her eyes and saw him making his way to her through the audience. But instead of his usual getup, he was wearing one of the dresses she had backstage and found she could no longer squeeze into. A glorious purple number with a giant tulle train and pink bedazzled butterflies. And alongside it the same wig Hedwig gifted them and tons of eyeliner and glitter. After years and years, Yitzhak had finally become Krystal again.
Hedwig felt tears in her eyes as well. Krystal was simply shining, effortlessly belting out the notes and finally getting to be in her element again. Hedwig didn’t understand how she could have stifled this joy, that shined out of Krystal, for this long. She helped Krystal up onto the stage and let her take the center spot, smiling as she slowly walked away by the same path Krystal took to her. Krystal was simply captivating as she finished the song and Hedwig couldn’t help but feel proud as she stood at the back of the auditorium.
As the audience erupted into a frenetic applause right after the last note sounded and stood up from their seats, Hedwig didn’t know what to do. She saw that Krystal didn’t know what to do as well. Hedwig was the one who sang that song to the end at every concert they gave so far. At this point, she would usually be just quietly packing up with the rest of the band or being on alert for any tomatoes flying towards her from the audience. That aside, before tonight, she never broke down like she just did.
Krystal suddenly jumped down from the stage and made her way towards Hedwig. Taking her by the hand, they made their way back to the stage side by side, both still in shock at the applause and at what just happened.
They were sure that their world would never be the same again. Hell, even they themselves would never be the same as they were at the start of the evening. Everything would need a proper time to get figured out.
But both now knew that they would brave these new waters they just entered together.