Chapter Text
Alec felt his knees shaking as he heard the first tones of the wedding fanfare. Jace was standing right in front of him, so close he could see his hands slightly trembling, although he was the only one who could actually catch it. All the other guests were too far. Alec might have looked even more stressed out than Jace, and this wasn’t his wedding. And everyone could definitely see his face turning a whiter shade every minute. This was a mistake. Why had Jace asked me? Why hadn’t he asked someone else to be the best man? On the other hand, he wasn’t regretting accepting too much since he wanted to be there for Jace, if only as a regular friend, nothing less, nothing more. He gazed at the back of his neck. Jace was watching the aisle expectantly; the ground was covered by pink cherry petals. Alec thought he looked like an angel in the light-beige suit and with his hair levitating around his head like a halo.
It was a May wedding. The weather wasn’t too hot for the suits, but it was warm enough that the wedding could be outside, as Clary had wished. Alec was quite surprised when he learned that Jace had agreed to this, as he hated everything about being outside. From the bugs and the wind messing up his hair to the paranoia-inducing feeling of something touching his leg and him not knowing if it was just grass or a spider. It had happened before - Jace running to him in panic that something was stuck in his hair. But he loved Clary and would do anything for her, so that was that. She always got what he wanted. Alec stopped himself before he thought something he might regret. He was supposed to be Jace’s best man; there was no way he should be thinking badly about Clary. Even though they had hated each other in the beginning, Alec was so jealous when she just one day showed up next to Jace as his girlfriend. The bad blood between them was mostly his fault since he couldn’t control his emotions and always said something hideous. He moved past the hatred, though, when he saw how happy Jace was with Clary. Well, he almost moved on because right now he felt a heavy feeling in his chest, watching Jace get married. He was, after all, his first love. He was determined not to let it show.
Alec was lost in his thoughts in such a way, he wouldn’t even have noticed Clary, if Jace hadn’t suddenly shot up, his body going almost rigid, like a hound finally scenting its prey. Clary had entered the garden. Well, garden was an understatement, Alec would probably call it a castle park. He wasn’t quite sure who paid for the wedding and where they had gotten the money from. It probably cost like half a year worth of salary. He even heard Simon say that the first dance would take place in a hall of mirrors but he knew Simon loved being dramatic. So he was probably just overexcited and talking nonsense. Only staying in the park must have cost an arm and a leg.
Clary was wearing a stunning dress, walking down the aisle by her mothers side. According to the traditions, it was supposed to be a father but since he wasn’t present in her life, she chose her mother. It would have been more conventional if she chose a close male friend, like Simon, but when had she ever cared about some societal rules? It was probably for the best that she hadn’t chosen Simon, since he had a crush on her until he met Isabelle.
Alec didn’t mind Simon. They liked to tease each other, balancing on the thin line that was between funny and straight up insulting. Alec actually understood Simon like no one else could. They both had to deal with their crush getting married and them being the best men. Alec sometimes couldn’t help but envy Simon that he got over Clary so quickly and now lived his happiest life with Izzy. And if there were some feelings left, he had done a great job hiding them. Unlike him, who almost ended up insulting the bride in his mind.
The ceremony turned out perfectly. No rain, no wind that could’ve messed up Clary’s hair and no bugs on Jace. After Clary and Jace had exchanged their vows almost everyone was holding back tears, including Alec. And after the kiss, no one could help themselves. Alec looked at Simon, who had red eyes, though they were shining with joy. He noticed that Simon looked especially good today, in the beige suit, slightly darker than Jace's. He was wearing the same one but it washed him out. He felt like it was mocking him, telling him that this was how a pretty skin tone looked like, not his- his weirdly white-ish, with too dark hair and piercing blue eyes. Simon, on the other hand, was nicely blending with the suit, his hair being only a few shades darker than the fabric. To put it shortly, Alec didn’t feel exactly pretty next to Simon.
He was smiling now, pretending that the tears he was shedding were purely out of happiness and joy for the newlywed couple and that not even one left his eye for himself, mourning the loss of his unreachable crush. Alec knew he could have never been with Jace, but his heart didn’t. It was like explaining to a dog that his human isn’t there anymore. It didn’t work and he just had to wait the pain out. Until the heart forgot.
He was used to sharing space with Jace. They had been roommates since freshman year and even when they found their first jobs. But three months prior to the wedding, Jace moved out. And Alec knew nothing would be the same anymore. His best friend was leaving him because his priorities were changing. He had a wife now.
Alec was really trying to hide all of this and to be an actual helpful best man. He hoped he hadn’t made any faux-pas during the ceremony. He didn’t want to ruin the wedding by showing his depressing thoughts and abandonment issues. During the reception, he didn’t even know what he was eating. It was a mechanical movement, putting the spoon into his mouth, putting it out, chewing, scooping up new food and repeating the whole process again. He wouldn’t want to deal with people asking if he was okay. Because that was exactly what they would do if he hadn’t eaten at all. Simone caught up to him though and asked. Soon enough he understood that Alec didn’t want to talk about it so he stopped. Since Simon and Izzy had gotten engaged, Alec became much closer to him.
During the First dance of the newlyweds, Alec began to feel the stress and the nerves slowly taking a toll on him. He had been pushing those emotions to the back of his mind during the whole day- well, probably week even. On top of that, Simon hadn’t been joking when he said that the dance would take place in a hall of mirrors. The walls looked like they were made from real gold. There were paintings on the ceiling, depicting various scenes from the Bible, literally like those European medieval castles. The chandeliers were from hand-cut glass and probably more expensive than Alec’s apartment. He almost forgot how nervous he was. But then reality kicked in and he was thinking about the dance again. It was the last part where he assisted as a best man and the last part where something could go horribly wrong.
Alec was akin to black and white view of the world. He couldn’t really help himself since it had been the only way to look at the world when he was young. His parents were like that and it was no surprise he turned out to be similar to them. Well, in that moment, Alec felt the world ending. He saw Jace and Clary dancing and the only thing he could think of was that this was it. The end of their friendship, a new chapter when he would scarcely see Jace, if ever. He wasn’t prepared for this, the end of the world. His world. He felt as if the hall was suddenly filled with fog. Or maybe his head? He wasn’t really sure. He just knew he wanted out. So he slipped through the massive wooden door. Everything felt heavy, his steps, his breath. He was going for the bathroom since he couldn’t really tell what was happening to him. Suddenly, he was running, his steps quicker and quicker as his breath was getting weirdly lighter. So light actually that he couldn’t breath. Like there wasn’t enough air in the room.
He got to the washbasins in a haze, like a drunk. It took him three attempts only to turn on the facet. The water was running now. He splashed himself with it, hoping the coldness would somehow ground him. Half of it ended up on his shirt. He could see his eyes reddening in the mirror but the tears mixed with the water. He was still out of breath, he had no idea what to do. He whimpered. Then only his loud uneven breaths could be heard in the bathroom. And then he started sobbing, painfully, uncontrollably. His brain was on high alert because of all the useless adrenaline his body was pumping in. His heart was racing, palms were sweating and he still couldn’t breathe. He wanted to run but couldn’t move- run from what exactly? Was he dying?