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Elain’s heart was in her throat as she watched Rhysand prepare to winnow Lucien away.
She felt the overwhelming urge to call out to him. To say something to him.
Say, what, exactly? Be safe? Come back? She wouldn’t mean them, really, and he didn’t deserve that.
She meant everything to him, and she didn’t know a thing about him.
The words she couldn’t say curdled in her stomach. She didn’t know if she would ever be ready for what Lucien meant, but she certainly didn’t want him to perish. Especially when he was setting out on a dangerous mission based on a fragmented vision she had.
He inclined his head towards her, and she could hear his heartbeat thundering in her ears as she could hear her own. A syncopated rhythm, their hearts beating out of time.
She was caught between two worlds. One she thought she knew, and one she was forced into. She could either embrace it, or hide from it. A semi-formed decision made, she raised her foot in a sort of half step -
Then he turned away and was gone.
The moment had passed. Disappeared into thin air, just like he did.
Quick as she arrived, Elain left.
It was easier to walk back into the familiar than step out into the unknown.
After the war, it was hard to do much of anything. Everyone healed in their own way, others didn’t at all.
Elain felt stagnant.
She had been in the dark for too long.
It’s not always a bad thing. The dark can be good sometimes. Necessary even. Darkness allows for rest, resetting. Quiet moments unable to be had during the day.
A seed needs the dark in order to sprout, but it cannot survive on just that.
Sunlight needs to warm the soil in order for the sprout to grow.
Elain was surrounded by night. Sometimes she felt choked by it. There was no sun, only stars. They held a different kind of beauty, but it wasn’t what she needed.
She wanted to flourish, she wanted to bloom. A flower doesn’t bloom in the starlight.
So, she stayed a sprout. A state of almost. She was almost a leaf, almost a flower, almost a tree.
Elain had begun to adjust to her new life. It honestly wasn’t much different than her old one. She fell into old habits, doing what she did when she was a human.
She gardened. She baked. She dreamed.
But she watched her sisters. They were growing and changing every day. Feyre fell into her role as High Lady and mother easily. Nesta had created a home for herself with the Valkyries. They each were loved and adored by their mates, each reaching for something better, something more than themselves.
But Elain remained. In their search for themselves and something more, their lives grew bigger and bigger until it seemed like there was no room for Elain to fit.
Loneliness settled around her like a bridal veil. It covered her shoulders, went down her back, extended over her arms. It wasn’t intrusive, but it was ever present.
She wasn’t changing, wasn’t growing, wasn’t considered, wasn’t important.
What she was was forgotten.
Not that she would ever admit it to anyone, especially herself, but lately it seemed the brightest parts of her days were when Lucien would come around. He didn’t come around often, and she supposed that was her own doing, but she found herself looking forward to his arrival.
She still wasn’t quite sure what all of this meant to her. She just knew that every time Lucien came around, she felt like she was standing directly in the sun. She wanted to stretch out like a cat, and let it encompass all of her.
She was drawn to him every time he walked into the room. She couldn’t stop staring at him, tracking his every movement like a sunflower, trying to take as much of him in as she could. When he stood near her, she found herself leaning in, trying to get closer to his light.
He radiated warmth with every step he took. His smile was a direct ray of sunshine.
Elain had resisted him for the longest time. She thought he felt like he had a claim on her. She thought he would try and influence how she would grow, where she would grow.
She quickly learned that she thought wrong.
The sun doesn’t demand anything from the flower. The sun simply exists, and the flower draws what it needs from it. Blooms fully during the sun’s peak, tracking its every movement, absorbing the right amount of energy. The sun is always steadfast in its presence, offering light and warmth to all. A constant companion if one steps outside.
He would smile and bow to her. He would ask how she was doing, if there was anything he could do for her. He gave her a gift at Solstice. Then he would be on his way.
Those small, stolen moments felt like the sun peaking through the clouds. She stretched and craned, angling herself at him to absorb the light. It would have to last until she saw him again.
She didn’t know how much longer she could do this. Siphoning the sun, rationing it throughout the year. It was exhausting to pretend she could survive without it.
Elain was kneeling in her garden pulling out weeds when a tell-tale haze shrouded her vision. She had been practicing breathing exercises with Nesta to help ground her through them, and she called upon the techniques to help her through whatever she was about to see.
Normally, her visions feel like she is being pulled underwater. Her visions are a cruel sensation, it feels like she’s being thrown into the Cauldron all over again.
This vision, however, felt different. This one felt more like she was peeking behind a curtain.
The world changed around her until she unveiled a scene set in an apartment. Books and whiskey, emerald greens and shimmering golds were the props.
And cast in the lead role was her mate.
He was sitting on his couch, legs crossed as he flipped pages of a book. He took a sip of a glass of the ember liquid down on a table next to him.
She watched as he sighed deeply and took his crescent shaped reading glasses off, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
She saw him look out the window to the city outside, past the small vase of jasmine on the windowsill, with a wistful, forlorn expression on his face.
He’s just as lonely as I am , she thought.
Maybe, perhaps, the sun longs to shine for the flower.
The scene rippled and changed, and Elain tumbled into a new scene, this time set in a massive field.
She had to squint, because the daylight was so intense. Everything was bright, hyper saturated. And as far as the eye could see, tulips. Bobbing in the breeze, their little heads danced along a massive field.
From her left, she heard laughter. A child was running through the field, a small girl with unruly copper curls and brown eyes.
She watched the child run towards Lucien, who was crouching with his arms outstretched and a big smile on his face. Lucien picked up the child and tossed her up in the air, catching her effortlessly and holding her close to his chest, the two of them giggling. She watched as she saw herself, dressed in a loose fitting gown, her own honeyed curls free and loose. She watched as she saw herself wrap her arms around Lucien’s middle, meet his lips in a kiss, and rest her head on his arm as she stared at her daughter in her mates arms, a look of pure happiness on her face.
It was so bright and easy. A beautiful life. A breathtaking possibility.
A white light in the distance grew brighter, brighter, and Elain knew this vision was over. She closed her eyes and took one deep breath after the other, letting the sensation wash over her.
When she opened her eyes again, she was still in her garden. It took her a moment to realize she was crying.
She saw a whole world.
She saw, and she wanted .
She knew it was up to her to go and get it, that this future was right within her reach.
She wiped her eyes and stood up, a decision made.
Lucien had been in the Night Court on some courtier business, but she knew it was a matter of time before he left again, for who knows how long.
She ran inside the house, and for the first time, opened the bond to try and find him. She closed her eyes and let the bond visualize the house like a map, and it was illuminating a direct path to where he was. She followed the path, running through the halls to reach him as quickly as possible.
She finally came to a halt at the top of the stairs as she saw him by the entrance. He had some bags at his side, and he had just picked them up when the tell-tale winds started to swirl around him.
No ! she growled. Not again !
Desperate, she reached within herself to that golden thread and yanked as hard as she could, pulling him out of his winnow.
Bewildered and startled, Lucien stumbled as he tried to regain his balance.
“Lucien, wait!” she cried.
She took one step, then another, then another, all the way down the stairs until she came to a halt in front of him.
His eyebrows were raised in surprise, but he said nothing, holding her gaze.
“Can I go with you?” she asked, determined to be brave.
He blinked. Once. Twice. Then, after a moment, a small smile graced his lips. He wordlessly held out his hand.
All that stood between now and the future was one step.
So she stepped forward and took his hand.