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“Hey, come in. I’m so glad you could make it. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll get you a hot drink, okay? What would you like? Tea? I’ll get you some tea.”
The sound of nails tapping, slowly, rhythmically, on ceramic.
“Here you go. It’s hot, be careful. How are you feeling? I know you’ve been having a hard time lately. I wanted to try and help you relax, get rid of your problems for a little while. Does that sound good? No, it’s not a burden for me at all. I want to make your day a little better. I promise, you’re not a bother. Here, let’s light a candle.”
The faint shuffle of matches inside a matchbox. The slow, drawn out brush of a match catching against ragged phosphorus. The successful strike of the match, and crackling burning sound that follows.
“There. You like that scent, right? I picked this candle out thinking of you. Now, I thought you could talk to me about why you’ve been so down lately. I’ll write it down, and we can close it away in a notebook for the time being. All your problems can stay there for now, just so you can get some rest. Sound good?”
Paper flicks against paper.
“Let it all out. It’s okay. Tell me what’s been bringing you down.”
Jaemin sighs, rubbing his tear-streaked cheeks into his pillow. “Where do I begin?”
Jeno begins writing, the sound of pen strokes on paper between soft hums of understanding.
“My Mom passed away four days ago. I’ve been living in her apartment since, planning the funeral, clearing things away. She was sick for a while, so we knew it was coming. But it’s still hard.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Jeno says.
“People keep coming over, calling me. But I don’t really have any family left, anymore. Some aunties, distant cousins. I feel all alone. So alone I can’t sleep without watching a pretty boy whisper stuff at me, ha. The funeral is on Saturday, and I need to go home after that. But I’ve been taking care of her for so long, I don’t know what to do now my life isn’t about her.”
“That’s really hard. It’s okay, let it all out.”
He does cry a little bit more, tears dripping onto his pillow. He’s relaxed, though, soothed by Jeno’s soft-spoken voice. Though he’s tired of crying, it’s cathartic when he can breathe through it.
The writing sounds come to a satisfying stop. “There. Now I’m going to close this notebook, and you can put those thoughts aside for now. Just focus on relaxing and getting some sleep. You need to be well rested to face the world again tomorrow.” Jeno flicks through the pages and closes the hardback notebook with a soft thud.
“I know it might not feel like it right now, but you’re brave just for enduring these things. I hope you know that. Getting up every day while you’re having a hard time… it’s not easy. Just know that I see you, and you’re doing so well.”
Jaemin sniffles. “You’re too sweet.”
“Would you like it if I pamper you for a little bit? I can wash your face, brush your hair. You can tell me all about your day, or just lie there and relax. I don’t mind. Yeah? Okay, great. Feel free to get comfortable, I’ll get my things.”
“Thank you,” he murmurs, sighing as his eyes drift shut. He should probably look into therapy. For now, Jeno is a small dose of relief.
🎙️
“Hello my Princes and Princesses, and welcome back to another adventure. Today, I’m going to take you kayaking by night to show you the beauty of Busan’s Diamond Bridge, and I’ll give you my best tips and tricks for staying totally dry in your kayak.”
Jaemin reaches a hand out to the camera, as if inviting Jeno to step into the tiny one-man boat he’s got clutched in one arm. “Shall we go?”
The sound becomes muffled as the video switches to Go-Pro footage from the inside of Jaemin’s kayak. His paddles splash and water glugs by as he begins explaining the history of the bridge, and how he just had to come out at sunset to show off the lights at night.
“Though of course, I wouldn’t recommend kayaking at night for a beginner, and even pros should only come out at night with lights and a familiar route. While I love adventure, you guys know I’m all about safety first, before anything else.”
“I’m home,” Mark shouts through the apartment, and Jeno jolts out of his reverie, turning the volume down a few notches as Mark comes into the living room. “Ah, you are predictable, Jen.”
“What?” he says innocently, blinking a few times.
“Is this even a new video? Are you resorting to rewatching old ones?”
“He’s still on hiatus,” Jeno pouts, pressing play on the video again. Mark is right, he’s already seen this one. But what else is he supposed to watch while his favourite creator is on a break?
“There are plenty of hot guys on YouTube doing energetic stuff. Find another one.”
“I don’t watch him because he’s hot!”
“Uh huh. Doesn’t hurt though, right?”
On screen, Jaemin is baby-talking to a group of ducks that are softly quacking off camera. He gasps as one duck fusses with its wings and splashes him with water. Followed by laughter, he looks into the camera.
“So much for teaching you how to stay dry. Just goes to show, you never know what could happen when you go for an adventure.”
Jeno’s eyes wander to the cling of his shirt. Of course he’s hot. But that’s not the only reason Jeno likes him!
“Are we making pasta?”
“Yeah,” he says, happy to have a change of conversation, and pauses the video to hop up and follow Mark into the kitchen.
The Jaemin discussion is forgotten as they talk about their days and focus on making food. They successfully whip up a half-decent meal between them, and sit down to turn on an episode of the show they’ve been watching, only for Mark to tease Jeno again about the shot of Jaemin’s wet chest that’s been left on the TV.
After they’re done eating, Jeno’s attention wanders to his phone, and he opens up Instagram.
In his notifications sits a message that makes him double take.
Jaeminventures followed you back!
He makes a strangled sound in his throat that catches Mark’s attention.
“What?”
Jeno clicks through to make sure he’s not dreaming. Sure enough, the profile that has followed him is Jaemin’s, with over two million followers, his YouTube channel linked in his profile.
“Jaemin just followed me.”
Mark chokes on his pasta. “What? As in, Jaemin Jaemin?”
“Do we know any other Jaemins?”
“Dude! Oh my God, you have to message him—what did he follow you on, Insta…?”
“Yeah,” he says, staring down at Jaemin’s beaming profile picture. “What would I say?”
“I don’t know, something! He’s clearly been watching your stuff, what if he’s a big fan too?”
“No, there’s no way. He probably just saw that I got verified and followed me back.”
“You got verified ages ago! Come on, this is your chance, you gotta tell him you’re a fan!”
“Do you know me at all? I’m not doing that.”
“You got followed by your celebrity crush and you’re not going to do anything about it?”
A new notification flashes across his screen, and Jeno nearly drops his phone.
“He’s messaged me?”
“What?! Read it, come on, what does it say!”
“I’m not reading it!”
“You have to read it! Give it to me!”
Mark reaches out for the phone and Jeno snatches it away. Not one to let go so easily, Mark leaps onto Jeno’s back to reach around for the phone, and they both end up tumbling to the floor, Jeno clutching the phone to his chest while trying to wrestle Mark away from it.
Mark goes down on his back, but wraps his arms around one of Jeno’s, and looks up at him triumphantly. “I’m not letting go until you read it. Go on.”
Jeno tries to shake him off half-heartedly, but Mark just gives him a long, pointed look. Jeno huffs, turning his phone around to open up the message.
Hey! Hope you don’t mind me reaching out, I found your channel recently and just now discovered you already follow me. I love your content, it’s been really helpful for me lately. Your sweet smile makes me feel like all my problems just disappear. Keep up the great work ♡
“He watches my stuff,” Jeno says, and Mark laughs in triumph, releasing Jeno’s arm to prop himself up over Jeno’s shoulder and read the message for himself.
“Woah, oh my God. Dude, I think he’s flirting with you. Who says that to someone they don’t even know, your sweet smile…”
“Jaemin is nice,” Jeno argues. “He’s just being kind. What am I supposed to say back?”
“Your chest muscles make all my problems disappear,” Mark says in a low voice, then full-belly laughs when Jeno pushes him away. “Seriously, though, just say you like his videos too. Keep the conversation going, maybe he’ll invite you to come hiking in the mountains or something, and you can fall in love under the blossom trees…”
He laughs again, but thankfully leaves Jeno to think about his response after that, going back to his dinner.
Jeno settles in to carefully craft a response message. He doesn’t want to leave it too long, because he’s got read receipts on, and it’s already been too long since he looked at the message…
I don’t mind at all, I love your content too, so it was a great surprise to see a message from you. I’m very happy you’ve been comforted by my content lately, that’s all I want to do with JSMR :)
Within seconds of sending the message, Jaemin reads it, and begins typing. Jeno’s heart skips a beat, and he can’t keep his eyes off their chat.
You’re very successful at it. Your content is the only reason I’ve been able to catch any sleep in the last week. Not sure if my adventures have quite the same effect ㅋㅋㅋ but it’s pretty fun we are mutual fans now!
For people like me who aren’t very adventurous, your videos make me feel like Tom Cruise from my sofa…
ㅋㅋㅋ I have a lot to learn from Cruise-Sunbaenim
“You’re messaging him, aren’t you?”
Jeno looks up to see Mark grinning at him, and he realises he has a silly smile on his own face. He doesn’t care enough to wipe it off.
“Yes.”
Mark starts clapping, and Jeno burrows down deeper into the couch to focus on his response. He’s got butterflies like he’s fifteen again, too shy to feel worthy of the attention of someone as attractive and endlessly charming as Jaemin.
“Go get him, boy!”
“Shut up,” Jeno smiles, and begins to type.
You are cooler than him to me
You’re too sweet 😘
🎙️
He and Jeno end up talking all evening and into the next morning. Jaemin is a bit embarrassingly excited about it, but that’s only because he’s certain Jeno is flirting back as much as he’s being flirted with.
He even did a cheeky web search to see if Jeno has come out publicly before, but couldn’t find much on his personal life. Which is fair—Jaemin used to vlog with his ex-girlfriend, and has regrets about that now. Better to keep some things private.
Jaemin still has a few stacks of his mom’s things to go through, so eventually he drags himself out of bed and puts his phone down to focus on the last drawers and hoard boxes of her stuff.
It’s a collection of the stuff he’s been putting off until last. Photo albums. Her endless blankets, cardigans, shapeless crochet figures from when her condition first started to deteriorate. The records she loved to play and old record player to go with them; the ceramic dolls she collected over her lifetime.
These are the things she loved. Sorting through random junk, documents, functional objects and clothes had been easier, because none of it meant much to either of them. They were necessities and clutter and the remnants of life. But this stuff was his mom’s treasure, the sum of her life’s work, in the end. Getting rid of any of it feels unbearable, but he can’t keep any of it, either. What would he do with it? Put it away to gather dust because he can’t bear to look at it. It deserves a better life than that.
Jaemin sits on his haunches, and eventually starts arranging the ceramic dolls for some photos. Some cursory research gives him an idea of what amount they might sell for online. He can list them for sale on the more expensive end, and hopefully find a buyer who will take good care of them.
The crochet creations, he’s still stuck on. He starts going through the photo albums instead, carefully thumbing through the few old photographs his mom had of her childhood. It quickly reaches endless photos of the ocean or the trees or friends of his parents that he didn’t know, taken with a digital camera, date in the corner and everything. A few photos of him as a baby.
He takes out the ones that are of no use to him, but the pile grows and grows and he starts to feel awful about the idea of getting rid of them. If his mom could see this…
He sniffs, and decides to switch tracks to hold back the wave of guilt and loneliness threatening to wash over him.
The records. Jaemin doesn’t even know most of the singers. His mom always used to show off her record player when people would come around, and people her age would always oooh and ahhh over her collection. Jaemin doesn’t have as much attachment to it, because the record player was brought out for special events only, too precious to risk breaking with everyday use. Still, he doesn’t want to sell this one to a stranger—he’d be more comfortable if it was in reach. Maybe one of his friends would want it?
But he’d like to keep all the records with it too, and he can’t think of anyone he knows who would want to store all of these.
After some dithering, he sighs and decides to procrastinate by opening up his phone.
His latest notifications are some messages from Jeno, saying he’s not up to much today, so that’s what he responds to first.
Don’t suppose you’re a fan of 60s and 70s music and also want a record player
Are you clearing out? My roommate would actually love that
Jaemin sits up straight, goes to reply, then pauses. Does he really want to offer this much treasure to a stranger? The roommate of someone he first spoke to yesterday?
He sits with that question for a moment. He doesn’t want to let his heart eyes for Jeno overtake logic here.
It’s hard to think of a reason why not, though. He hasn’t got anywhere else for all this to go, and it’s better for it to find a loving home. Giving it to someone who would appreciate it feels better than selling it, he’s sure about that.
Is that so? Music lover?
Big time. He writes and produces songs as a passion project and he loves listening to different genres and eras of music for inspiration. He’s been thinking about getting a record player for ages too
What sort of stuff have you got?
Jaemin scratches his head as he looks over the pile of stuff. There are boxes and boxes of records here—where does he begin?
Can I call you?
It takes a couple minutes for Jeno to reply.
Sure
Jaemin presses the button to voice call, resting the phone down on one of the boxes as the call dials, then crackles.
“Hello?”
“Hey. Sorry to be so direct, I thought it would be easier to explain what I have like this.”
“It’s fine, really. It’s nice to hear your voice, know I’m not being catfished.”
“Hey, I promise this isn’t a scam. But you know, hot single men in your area want to talk to you, and also, doctors don’t want you to know this secret trick, and I know this Nigerian Prince who wants to transfer you his fortune…”
Jeno laughs. It feels good, Jaemin’s mood easing with such a simple sound.
“What am I really getting if not a record player?”
“Oh, no, the record player is really free. All you need to provide me to secure your prize is your credit card number, the sort code, and the three digit code on the back…”
“Okay, I’m hanging up now…”
“Noo, I’m sorry! You can have it for just your kidney, I know a great black market. Okay, I’m going to end the jokes there before you actually get worried I’m trying to harvest you. No, I just have a million records to pass onto someone who would take care of them, so I can tell you about them if you want. But I would love it if your friend has the space to keep the whole collection.”
Jeno hums, amused. “How many records are there?”
“Maybe fifty, sixty?”
“Oh, wow. Yeah, I can check with him when he gets back, but I’m pretty positive he’ll say yes. How come you have so many to get rid of?”
“Uh, they’re not mine. They were my moms. She… she passed last week, and I’ve been sorting out her belongings. That’s why I’ve been on hiatus the last couple months. Been taking some time to look after her.”
He can hear Jeno’s shock through the line for a few seconds, and he feels bad for dropping all that on him. But it loosens a little of the knot in his chest to tell it to someone who doesn’t know his mom, who hardly even knows Jaemin. It won’t burden Jeno, but makes it a little bit more real to Jaemin every time he can say it aloud.
“Jaemin, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
“Of course you didn’t. You don’t have to apologise. That’s why I’m trying to give these away, you know, because she loved them. It doesn’t feel right to sell them. Your friend, will he take good care of them, do you think?”
“I have no doubt about it. He’s very conscientious about that kind of thing. I’ll let you know if he’s able to as soon as I talk to him.”
“Thank you. It’s a relief to hear you might have a good home for them, takes a weight off my shoulders. I’m happy to drop them off, if he does want them—whereabouts are you?”
“You don’t even know if I live in South Korea!”
“Yeah, you do. If you lived outside of South Korea you’d be tweeting in English to show off how global and bilingual you are.”
Jeno laughs. “Is that what you think of me?”
“Nothing personal, that’s just how all influencers who move out of the country eventually become.”
“Fair. I live in Seoul, in Seocho.”
“No way, that’s not far from my place! We’re practically neighbours. Yeah, I can definitely drop this off when I come home.”
“Hmm, I probably have to make sure you’re not going to stalk me before I tell you my address, though.”
“Oh yeah? How are you going to do that?”
“You should tell me how you found my channel, what made you want to reach out. I’ll judge if it seems suspicious or not.”
“If I seem to like you too much, will that blacklist me?”
“I’ll decide after I hear you say it.”
“Alright, play it cool Jaemin. Hmmm… I have to admit I didn’t know or understand anything about ASMR until I found your account. I was looking for videos that were calming or comforting. Right after my mom died, I was in her apartment alone, and I was a mess. I couldn’t sleep, so I looked up some videos that could distract me for a little bit. I guess yours was the only one that interested me, one of your ‘Soothing You to Sleep’ videos. Even though it didn’t help me sleep right away, it did help me feel calmer. So the next night I came back to your channel, and the next night, and now I’m hooked. Now your videos actually do get me to sleep. I think you have some kind of magic.”
Jeno laughs softly. “It’s nothing special. So many channels do ASMR, I just got lucky to find an audience.”
“Lucky? Don’t be ridiculous, your content is special to you! Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not making something worthwhile, because I would be much worse off without it, seriously. You’ve opened me up to a whole new world.”
“Good. That’s why I love it, hearing people say it helps them. Especially people like you, who get converted to ASMR.”
“Right, there are a lot of unusual ASMR videos, don’t get me wrong. But I like that, I like weird things. Like that one you did where you were the sexy scientist and you were reprogramming me, your robot.”
Jeno chokes on a laugh. “I don’t think ‘sexy’ was in the title.”
“But it’s apt, isn’t it? Anyway, I love that kind of thing, I think you should do more weird ones. Like, you’re the sexy vet and I’m a kitten coming to get my shots, or something.”
Laughter crackles down the line again, like Jeno is delighted by Jaemin’s weirdness. Maybe he is perfect after all. “That’s a good idea. I’ll consider it. But saying ‘sexy’ before anything makes it sound like a bad Halloween costume.”
“Right, you are so much more than that,” Jaemin says, smiling wide. “Anyway, I decided to reach out to you because I was looking up your social media and I realised you already follow me on everything. So I thought, why not? It’s always nice to have more friends who do this.”
“It is. I know some ASMRtists, but not many. I was so surprised you reached out first, I’ve been watching your content for ages.”
“So you stalked me first, is what I’m hearing.”
“Um, not stalked! I watched your content in a normal and respectful way!”
Jaemin laughs. “Me too. Have I earned your trust enough to come and say hi next week?”
“Okay, I’ll allow it. I’ll text you my address.”
“Yesss!” he shouts, pumping his fist.
Jeno chuckles, gathering Jaemin’s excitement even down the phone. “Thanks for reaching out, Jaemin, it’s very kind to offer your mom’s records even though you don’t know us well. If you change your mind, we won’t hold it against you.”
“I know you plenty well, Jeno. I couldn’t think of anywhere I’d rather have them. I’d better get back to sorting all this stuff out, but I’ll text you later, okay?”
“Okay,” Jeno responds, and Jaemin can hear the smile in his voice. “Bye, Jaemin.”
“Bye bye,” he whispers, and hears a faint chuckle before the line disconnects.
When he goes back to his pile of stuff, he’s in much better spirits. Jeno really does have that magic, he swears…
🎙️
Shortly after their phone call, Jaemin tells Jeno that his mom’s funeral is taking place in just a few days time.
Jeno gets an idea that’s a little crazy.
He hardly knows Jaemin, the real Jaemin, not the online personality confined to fourty-five minute videos once a week. But all he knows is that he really wants to do something to help Jaemin through what’s bound to be a hugely exhausting and trying day. And there’s one way he can do that, one obvious thing based on how they got to speaking in the first place.
So for the next few days, he gets to work.
As he sits in front of his computer on Saturday putting the final touches on his new video, he starts to have doubts. Is this too much? Too selfish to ask for Jaemin’s attention on a day like this? Is it weird that he’s taken Jaemin’s idea and ran with it on such short notice?
Is the video even any good?
He presses play from the beginning.
“Could you place your kitty here? Yes, just there is fine. I’ll just sanitise my hands before I begin.”
There’s the spritz of a spray bottle as the camera comes into focus on Jeno in a white medical coat, with clear-framed glasses and a stethoscope around his shoulders. He rubs his hands together and smiles into the camera.
“Hi there, kitty. I hear you’ve come for a check-up?” He looks off to the left, face becoming more neutral as he absent mindedly strokes the ‘kitty’ and speaks to the ‘owner’. The audio is layered with a smooth brushing sound of stroking fur, created by painstakingly timing the swipe of a blush brush against the mic.
“Is there anything you’re particularly worried about? Your kitten hasn’t been themself lately? Seems down? No, no, that’s a perfectly good reason to come and get your lovely kitty checked out. I’m going to do a general examination in that case, and we’ll find out if anything seems off, shall we?”
He looks back at the camera, quickly brushing his fingertips against each other to create a swishing sound, angling his hand under the lens as if he’s greeting the kitty viewer with a little tickle under the chin.
Jeno skips forward in the video.
“Now, let’s listen to your heart and lungs, shall we?”
He places the stethoscope over his ears and holds the end up to the camera. Purring noises layer over the audio, along with a rhythmic heartbeat.
He skips again.
“I’ll clip your kitty’s nails here, since they’re getting a little long. Yes, it’s perfectly fine to clip them at this age.” Clip, clip, clip.
Skip.
“I’ll fill out her report now and leave you a copy of everything.” There’s the satisfying, clicky sound of a keyboard under deft fingers.
No, it is a good video. He’s often hesitant to put double the work into a video like this, with planning, prop hunting, and more laborious editing, when his Soothing You to Sleep series is his most popular and simplest to make. But Jaemin showing interest in his more out-there ideas was enough to motivate him. Plus, Jaemin opening up about what he’s been going through lately tugged on Jeno’s heartstrings, he’ll admit.
But now that the video is done, he’s starting to overthink. It’s a good idea in theory, but what if it comes off simply odd in reality?
As if Jaemin can tell he’s going through a Jaemin-related crisis, Jeno’s phone buzzes with a notification from him, a reply to his message from this morning.
Hope everything goes well today <3
Thank you. It’s been exhausting. You’ll have to recommend to me your absolute best video for tonight
Well, if he wanted a sign, this has to be it. Jeno sets the video to export, and brings his feet up onto his desk chair, spinning himself back and forth on it as he considers what to reply.
You deserve to rest as long as you like after this. Let me know when you’re headed to bed and I’ll send you a link
Knew I could rely on my JSMR <3
Jeno nervously paces the apartment as he waits for the export to finish. Mark arrives home, and talks Jeno through his worries. No, Jaemin won’t think he’s weird for doing this, and no, he’s not making today all about him, and yes, he is horribly down bad for Jaemin. But that’s okay, because he’s channeling it into a nice gesture.
The video goes up by evening time, but he doesn’t hear from Jaemin again for a few hours. As he and Mark watch a movie together, he’s anxiously checking his phone every few minutes so he doesn’t miss his message. The video has gone live, there’s no turning back now…
When Jaemin does finally message him later, it’s with a screenshot.
He’s got notifications on for Jeno’s channel, and the new video has finally been announced to the world.
Now now, what’s all this? Will I get royalties?
Jeno flushes pink, embarrassment and excitement dropping into him in equal measure. Should he credit Jaemin’s idea in the description? Does he think it’s weird? Should Jeno have given him a warning?
Did you do this for me?
If you don’t think it’s weird then the answer is yes
Weird? WEIRD? What did I tell you about weird before huh? Jeno you’ve just made my day so much better. I smiled for the first time in so long when I saw that notification.
:) I hope you like it
I’m going to get my check-up at the vets now. BRB
Jeno bites down on his smile, and settles back into the movie. Though his new video is half an hour long, and there’s no reason to be checking every few minutes, he does anyway, still nervous to hear Jaemin’s feedback.
A little over thirty minutes later, he gets a voice message from Jaemin.
There’s twenty minutes left of their movie. Jeno feels too bad to excuse himself early, but he can’t really focus on the ending, itching to listen to what Jaemin has to say. As soon as the credits begin to roll, he picks himself up from the couch, wishing Mark a good night. Mark, who is half asleep himself, hardly seems to notice.
He shuts himself in his bedroom and presses play.
“Is it silly that I started tearing up when I heard the purring? You made me miss my kitties at home. They’re in a cat hotel right now, since my mom’s place is so far away and I didn’t know how long I’d be gone. I hope they still remember who I am when I get back. Anyway, the video was groundbreaking, so realistic it turned me into a cat. I am now your kitty and you are my sexy vet for all eternity. Meow. Thank you for recording that for me, you don’t know how happy it made me. If you ever have any adventure requests, let me know, and I will return the favour, though I’m sure I could never do half as much for you as you’ve done for me.”
Jeno sits with his phone in his hands for a few moments, smile crowding onto his face. He can hear the naked gratitude in his voice—Jaemin actually likes it.
I’m glad you like it. I was nervous but it was so fun to make.
Why nervous?? You are the sweetest boy ever
Just… because… I’m a nervous boy
ㅋㅋㅋ cute. You have nothing to be nervous about. You could send me a voice recording of you farting and I’d probably like it
ㅋㅋㅋㅋ ok I don’t think that’s true. But good to know
I would never lie to you!
I’m going to think about your offer btw, I need to make the most of this opportunity
Anything you desire, I will make it happen. Trying to find something I haven’t already done will be the hardest part
I’m sure I can find something. I like everything you do.
So cute. You know, I’m going to come back home tomorrow evening. I can drop the record stuff off the day after if that suits you? I was also thinking we could go and get food if you want? I’ll pay
Jeno’s heart starts beating fast.
He starts typing… and falters.
Until now, he’s been going back and forth on whether Jaemin is genuinely flirting with him or whether he’s just like that. This is another ambiguity. Though it’s a direct question, it’s not an obvious intention. This could be asking about a friendly meal out. Right?
Or it could be a date.
He can’t ask outright, that’s mortifying if he’s wrong. But he has a bigger problem than that right now.
He’s frozen in indecision for too long. Jaemin has sent another message.
If you don’t want to do that I won’t be offended though
It’s not that I don’t want to
He spends an agonizing minute debating whether or not to tell the full truth. He doesn’t even like talking about this with people he’s close to. But for some reason, he wants to share these parts of himself with Jaemin. Even though, logically, he shouldn’t reveal such a vulnerable part of himself to someone he’s only recently met… he can’t bear to tell a lie here.
The thing is, I haven’t left my apartment in four months now
Jaemin starts typing and stops a few times. Like, at all?
Yeah not at all. I’ve always been a homebody, but basically I had this big panic on the metro a few months ago. And I haven’t been able to leave my building since
Mark thinks I have agoraphobia but I don’t have a diagnosis or anything
When I say your videos help me I really mean it. They let me enjoy things like that again
Thank you for telling me that. I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you
It’s okay, I’m used to it. I would really like to go out with you but I know it would be hard for me. So you can stay for a while when you come over if you want, and we can order in food? That would be most comfortable for me
I would like that a lot.
Let me know what time works and I’ll be there. I’d probably come even if you asked me to meet in a dirty back alley
ㅋㅋㅋ I promise my place is a bit better than a dirty back alley
I look forward to seeing it in that case :)
I’m going to sleep now. Thank you again for the video Jeno. And for the invite to your place
You’re making my days brighter right now
Speak to you tomorrow
Goodnight Jaemin. Sleep well ♥️
Jeno rests his phone down and exhales a long breath. Anxiety sits under relief—as scary as it is to reveal the timid parts of himself, it feels good to get it off his chest and have Jaemin understand.
He’d been dreading this as soon as Jaemin remarked he lived nearby. Not being able to meet with someone he finds so exciting and interesting would hurt so much, because nothing is stopping him but himself.
There’s no guarantee everyone will understand his situation, especially someone like Jaemin who seems to fear nothing. Having him be understanding and accommodating means the world to Jeno.
Exciting, too. Jaemin will be here in person the day after tomorrow. In the flesh, and not just on Jeno’s TV.
And… damn. He still doesn’t know if this is a date or not.
🎙️
After Jaemin hands the key to his mom’s flat over to the agent, he walks down the stairs and out the building with a gut-deep sense of wrongness.
The key is the last part of her life here, and he’s just handed it over. His last bag goes in his car—he’s ready to go home, but driving back towards Seoul will mean officially saying goodbye.
He stands beside his car for a minute, swallowing around the heavy, painful feeling. Though there’s nothing to stay for, it doesn’t make it any easier to leave.
He closes his car door, locks it, and walks down the street towards the park.
It’s quiet out, just some older ladies sitting in their doorways or shuffling down the street, most of the population at school or work. It means the park is empty when he arrives, and he takes a seat against the thick trunk of a tree. Leaves rustle, birds tweet, and the soft sound of waves drifts over from the bay.
He closes his eyes, intending to sit until the feeling lessens. But it’s difficult to enjoy the atmosphere, because the park is simply a limbo to him. He’s only come because it’s neither here nor there, neither denial or acceptance. Every moment of being here feels fleeting rather than serene.
Jaemin pulls his phone out of his pocket and snaps a photo of the sky between the trees, just to occupy him. Funnily enough, his first instinct is to send it to Jeno, so he does just that.
Then he has an idea.
Before he can second-guess it, he switches on Instagram Live, running his hands through his hair as he waits for viewers to pile in.
“Hi. Hi guys. How are you? Yeah, it’s been a while. I’m not up to much, I’m sitting in a gorgeous park right now and I wanted to chat to you. I’ve been on hiatus for a little while, right? Did you miss me? I missed you.”
Oppa, are you coming back?
You look even more handsome than before…
New video when?
What have you been up to Oppa?
“I had a personal situation that I needed to give all my focus to. I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long, but you will see me again soon. I need some time to prepare some more content for you guys, but it won’t be long now. I’m excited to be back.”
It’s not a lie. Working will do him some good, he hopes, to have something to think about other than the gaping hole left in his life. He perhaps should’ve put this livestream off until he had something prepared, a real date to give people—but they can wait a bit more for him. It’s been months already, they can be patient for a few more weeks.
“What sort of things do you want to see? Any suggestions?”
Wakeboarding
Please come to Brazil
You should try doing something like singing oppa… I want to hear your voice
Can you help me sort out my life
Do you have a skateboard recommendation for beginners
How about ASMR?
Jaemin does a double take, then feels the smile grow on his face. That last comment was from a familiar handle.
“ASMR? That might be my toughest challenge yet. It’s no joke, you know, you have to have good editing skills to make high-quality ASMR. I might scare everyone away with my noises.”
OMG JSMR is here
@JenoSMR I LOVE YOU
Do Jaemin and Jeno know each other??
What’s ASMR
It’s not so hard, I could teach you
Jaemin bites down on a smile. “Okay, maybe I could do it if I had a professional to teach me. Shall I try ASMR guys? Would you like that? What about a collab? That would be fun, right?”
PLS COLLAB I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH
Who is Jeno
No ASMR is boring
Idk a proper adventure would be better
Omg I’m screaming
Did Jaemin go on hiatus cause he was pregnant with Jeno’s baby or what
“I’m not promising anything. But it would be fun, right? Maybe one day.”
We love you Jaemin ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Are you making videos again soon
I didn’t even know Jaemin and Jeno were friends. My worlds are colliding
Pls new gaming video with Haechan
What have you been doing on hiatus oppa?
“I’m really excited to come back and make videos. I’ve been having a hard time on my break, I’m afraid it was nothing fun. But I’ll be back soon. What have you guys been up to?”
Waiting for you
I started making videos too!
Just school…
I went to my first uni party recently, it was like my own adventure
“Ah, your first party? How was it? It sounds like you guys got up to some interesting stuff! Actually, I did do something fun recently. I made a new friend. It’s been so much fun, I think some of you might know him already. Let me tell you, he’s as nice as you think. I fully recommend making new friends whenever you can.”
When are you doing skydiving
Is ‘made a new friend’ code for something…
OMG Jaemin read my message
That’s not easy for introverts ㅠㅠ
Can you give any tips for speaking to guys Jaemin
“I know it’s not easy for everyone, but I really encourage you not to be too scared to speak to new people! Always speak with confidence, okay? You never know who it might bring to your life. The important thing to remember is to be yourself. If you think of something you want to talk about, just say it. That’s how you get to know someone. Don’t suppress something just because you don’t want to come across as weird or boring. If you guys don’t already know this about me, I think being a bit weird is the best.”
Not everyone is like you Jaemin-ie
ㅋㅋㅋ As expected he gave the most Jaemin answer possible
“Hey, I never promised to give you professional advice! This is just from my view. But it’s okay to practice and find what works for you. That’s how you find special people who you want in your life, who understand you.”
It sounds more like you’re meeting your ‘friend’ with good feelings, Jaemin-ah…
So what is the couple name for Jeno and Jaemin ㅋㅋㅋ
Someone needs to tell Haechan Jaemin is cheating on him
Please come to Brazil
I LOVE YOU
Relationship expert Jaemin. This will be your future ASMR roleplay won’t it.
Jaemin can’t help but laugh, seeing that comment from Jeno. He’s doing nothing to disprove the people in his comments that are delighted they know each other, but he’s not jumping to correct them either.
“The point is, I do what I do because I love to share myself and my life with you guys. Having adventures and trying new things is what I love. So don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, have your own adventures, and I hope you can receive even half the love I’ve received from doing this. Thank you for coming to talk with me, everyone. I will be back soon, and you will see more of me from now on. I have to go now, but I love you guys, and I’ll speak to you soon, okay? Bye bye!”
We’ll look forward to your videos Jaemin-ah
You’ve worked hard!
You made my day better. I love you
Bye!
He ends the live, lowering his phone to look around the park one more time. It doesn’t feel so oppressive anymore. He even takes a moment to bask in the sunshine and enjoy the soft rustle of leaves above.
Then he stands, and sets off home.
🎙️
“To be honest, I don’t have many fears of physical things like this. I trust the amazing people who put together safety measures so we can have experiences like bungee jumping or skydiving. I know the possibility of getting hurt is very low because of them.
“But, actually, it’s so human to be scared of things like this. It’s natural instinct to be wary of a very far drop, right? That means you have good survival instincts. Maybe that means I’m not human, ha. I won’t reveal my true nature yet…
“Anyway, if you’re afraid of something like this, don’t worry. It’s natural. And you know what, I think being a coward is okay. Especially when facing your fear wouldn’t bring happiness to your life—you know your limits better than anyone, and it’s not a shameful thing to make your life comfortable. Don’t let someone pressure you into doing something extreme you don’t want to do!
“But you always have to consider if you are missing out on things because of your fear. Do you want to do it because your friends are having fun? Then your friends should support you! I hope they’ll help you face your fear. But ultimately, the only way to overcome your fear of something is for you to decide to do it for yourself. It will still be scary, of course. Even when it’s over, you will probably still feel afraid of the thing you did. But it will also make you a little less afraid next time. It will widen your experiences in life. And I hope you’ll be proud of yourself after.”
The intercom rings. Jeno fumbles to pause the video and rush over.
“Hello?”
“I am here with a large delivery!” Jaemin’s cheerful voice comes through the intercom. “I hope your building has an elevator.”
“I’ll come down and get you, I can help bring things in,” Jeno responds, heart beating a million miles a minute. “I’ll be down in a moment.”
He presses the button to ring Jaemin in, and makes sure to exit Jaemin’s video on his TV before slipping on some shoes and heading to the ground floor.
Jeno can hear his heartbeat in his ears as he rides down to the ground floor. Going to his lobby is fine—that’s not the thing making him anxious.
It’s that Jaemin is here and he can’t remember the last time he socialised with a new person. Alone. In his apartment.
Especially someone he cared so much about making a good impression on.
When the elevator doors open on the ground floor, he finds three boxes of records waiting innocuously by the doors, and Jaemin’s silhouetted figure walking across the lobby with another box in his arms.
“Hello!” he calls, and the beaming smile on his face comes into view as he approaches the elevator, bending down to put the box on the floor.
“Hi,” Jeno says, all other words leaving his head as Jaemin straightens up, smile still dazzling.
“You’re taller than I thought you’d be,” Jaemin says, and that cracks open Jeno’s nervousness with a laugh of surprise.
“We’re the same height, though?”
“I know. You just have small energy. There’s one more box and the record player in the car, I’ll be right back.”
“I’ll start getting these in the elevator,” he says, not missing the fact that Jaemin doesn’t ask him to come outside and help him.
He’s grateful for it, and takes care to lift the boxes gently.
Jaemin appears back in no time with the final box, the record player balanced on top of it. He rests them down on the elevator floor with a groan, and Jeno pushes the button for his floor.
There’s awkward silence between them in the elevator for all of two seconds, as Jeno stands there, avoiding Jaemin’s eyes and trying to summon any of the things he had pre-planned to say.
“Thank you for having me around,” Jaemin says first, in his low, soft voice. “I’m glad you don’t think I could be an axe murderer.”
“You could still be an axe murderer. Or I could be.”
“You’d never axe murder me,” Jaemin says in his playful, crooning voice. “You’re too cute.”
The elevator doors open, and they both bend down to start hauling the boxes into the corridor. “On an unrelated note, do you want to see my axe collection?”
Jaemin starts laughing as they work to get the boxes down the hall and into Jeno’s apartment, piling them up in the doorway so they can get everything inside quickly. It’s not hard work between them, and soon enough Jeno properly invites Jaemin in, offering him a drink and showing him where he can sit.
“Your place is so nice,” Jaemin says, looking around curiously at the photos on the living room walls and odd trinkets he and Mark have picked up in the last year of living together.
“Thank you,” he says, placing their drinks on the living room table and curling up on the couch. “It’s nothing special, but Mark and I work well as roommates, tidy up after ourselves and stuff. So it’s good.”
“A good roommate is something special. You should live with him as long as he’ll stay.”
Jeno agrees with a hum. “Do you live with anyone?”
Jaemin comes to join him on the couch, picking up his drink to take a sip. “I don’t right now. I was able to move into my own place last year, after my last breakup, and I’ve not lived with anyone since. I think sometimes it would be nice to have a roommate, but living alone means I can keep whatever unsociable hours I want, so it works. I don’t know if it’s the same for you…”
“Oh, yeah. I’m always editing at odd times. And I have to record when Mark is out at work, otherwise his noise could get picked up by the mic. I don’t like telling him to be quiet if I can help it.”
“You’re so sweet,” Jaemin says, reaching out to pat Jeno’s leg, and Jeno’s cheeks flare hot with the touch.
“It’s basic decency really.”
“You’re considerate. That’s not basic.”
Jeno shrugs, ears warm. He’s not good at receiving compliments. “I just don’t want to be a bother. Mark does so much for me, the least I can do is be a good roommate.”
“Yeah?” Jaemin says softly. His eyes are bright and engaged whenever Jeno can meet his gaze. “It’s good to keep a man who does his chores, you know.”
Jeno laughs. “He’s not mine to keep, he’s just a friend. But he does all our grocery shopping for us after being at work all day, and he’s never resented me for having this job where I stay at home all the time and make videos. He’s kind like that. He’ll take good care of your records, too.”
“It sounds like I found a good home for them,” Jaemin agrees softly. “If it’s too much stuff, though, you can tell me and I’ll find something else.”
“I’m pretty sure Mark will be over the moon. Are you staying until he gets home? I was thinking we could put on a movie…”
“Sounds good,” Jaemin agrees, and Jeno flicks up a streaming service.
They talk comfortably throughout the movie until Mark arrives home. When he does, Jeno is surprised by how quickly time has flown—between talking about their work and laughing at the characters, spending time with Jaemin feels as easy as spending time with an old friend.
Mark enthuses over the records with Jaemin as Jeno orders them some food, and is content to listen to the two of them talk for a little while. He and Mark both listen raptly as Jaemin tells them about his memories with these records, how his mom built the collection over her whole life, how he associated the record player and records with hosting people at their house and special celebrations like birthdays.
After their food arrives, Mark surprises Jeno by retreating to his room, calling an early night, after thanking Jaemin again for the records. He’s usually eager to be social with new friends, and is much better at it than Jeno is. But Jeno doesn’t miss the gleam in his eyes, remembers the teasing he’d endured in the days leading up to Jaemin’s arrival. Right. Mark never stopped believing Jaemin was into him.
Maybe he was right. But Jeno is pretty convinced that, if there ever was any interest in him, it was killed off when he told Jaemin the truth about his situation. It’s hard to see how he can date someone when he can’t… well. Go out with them.
Jaemin was probably always a fantasy, anyway.
“Do you want to put something else on?” Jaemin asks, nodding at the TV. “I can head out soon if you want to sleep early too, it’s no problem.”
“I don’t want you to leave yet, but I am a little tired,” Jeno confesses, confidence wavering now Mark is gone. Someone like Jaemin is bound to get bored quickly, being cooped up in the house all evening. It’s not like he can suggest a late-night walk together. “I’ll walk you down to the lobby?”
“Let’s do that,” Jaemin says softly, and they both stand to get some shoes on.
They’re quiet as they walk down the hallway to the elevator. Jeno doesn’t want their time to end, but he also doesn’t know how he can possibly keep Jaemin’s interest when Jeno’s life is so small compared to his.
“Thank you for having me over,” Jaemin says again. He’s so well-mannered and gracious, it’s hard to believe he’s real, and not a figment of Jeno’s imagination. “I had such a good time. I hope we can do this again.”
The elevator takes them down to the ground floor. “Me too. We should make more plans.”
“I would love that,” Jaemin says. The elevator doors open so his smile is illuminated with the moonlight streaming through the lobby windows. Maybe it is later than Jeno realised after all. “Let me know.”
“Of course. We have to arrange that collab, too.”
Jaemin bites down on his lip. “You meant that?”
“Of course. I would love to.”
“How about doing something else together too? We could game, if you play.”
“Yeah,” Jeno says, sucking in a breath. “I… yeah.”
They walk up to the front door together, and come to a stop. Jaemin looks at him for a long moment, those bright eyes piercing in the half-dark. “Jeno, can I ask you something directly?”
“Yes?”
“Do you like men?”
“I–” he’s startled by the pure abruptness of the question, but feels safe answering with Jaemin. “Yes?”
“Was that a real yes, or did you just say yes because you were surprised?”
“I don’t think any straight man would say yes without meaning it.”
“True,” Jaemin laughs. “Okay, good. I do too. I just wanted to make that clear before you invite me around again. Because I really like you. But we don’t have to do anything about that if you don’t want to.”
He’s completely stunned by Jaemin’s honesty. He’s never had someone come onto him like this in his life. It’s hard to gather his wits, know what he wants to say in return.
“I’d like to have you around again,” is what he lands on, because that’s the truth, wholly and fully.
Jaemin smiles so brightly, Jeno can hardly look at him, but also hardly look away. “Then I’ll look forward to next time.”
He steps forward, and places a kiss on Jeno’s cheek, hand smoothing across his shoulder. Then he waves and leaves without another word.
Jeno stands there for a good few minutes, stunned, gently touching his cheek.
Holy shit. Jaemin wants to go out with him.
🎙️
Over the next few days, he and Jeno talk as normal while Jaemin sets about planning and preparing new videos.
Well, almost as normal. Their flirting is bolder, and the tension between them more palpable. Jeno hasn’t mentioned another meeting, but Jaemin can feel his interest poignantly. So he waits for Jeno to set the pace, since Jaemin has made his intentions more than clear already.
Four days later, a new JSMR video is posted titled Sat Next to a Shy Nerd Who Has a Crush on You (Soft Spoken ASMR with Layered Sounds).
He clicks onto it the same evening it’s uploaded, settling in with a tea and headphones to watch. It’s hardly even to help him sleep any more—as a fellow creator, he’s genuinely interested in what Jeno is creating. And of course, genuinely interested in Jeno.
On screen, the video begins with Jeno shuffling up and moving some papers across the desk with a flutter, as if the viewer has suddenly come to sit next to him. He’s styled his hair over his forehead to make himself look younger, is wearing the approximation of a school uniform, and has silver-wire square glasses on his face.
“Hi.”
He shifts around, nervously glancing at the camera. Jaemin is amazed his roleplay stuff isn’t the sort of content that made him famous—he’s a natural at it, and Jaemin falls for him a little bit more with every video.
“Um, yeah, I have a pen. Hold on, one second.”
Jeno pulls a pen out of his pocket and hastily tests it on the notepad with a scribble. Then he glances up awkwardly, and pulls out a second pen, and tests that too. Then a third, which supposedly works. Jeno clicks it a few times before handing it over.
“Here. Um, my name is Jeno. No, I just thought you might not know… I know your name, though. Oh, yeah, we should probably listen, right.”
He turns back to face an imaginary teacher, glancing over at the camera with wide eyes in between jotting things down.
“What? Oh, yeah, I can help you. Let me see.”
He takes a piece of paper from the viewer and looks over it.
“So this first one… you just have to divide this number by this number… oh, yeah, I can write in the answer for you. I’ll write down the working out too.”
Jeno scribbles a bit more. Jaemin’s heart is about to burst with the need to pinch his cheeks and coo.
“The second question is a bit harder… huh? Uh, sure, I can hold it for you.”
Jeno picks up a comb and holds it obediently. He begins to run his fingers along the teeth as he waits, so they create a soft, satisfying twanging noise
“Um… me? Sure… I can brush your hair…”
Jeno swaps the comb for a hairbrush and begins to ‘brush’ the viewer’s hair just off-camera, with soft, silky brushing sounds layered over the video.
He brushes the viewer’s hair for a while, and it’s so relaxing, that Jaemin doesn’t even mind the immersion being broken by the fact his hair would need to be about ten times longer to make the same sounds.
He opens up his messages with Jeno and types, Your new video is so cute I want to eat you whole.
“I was actually wondering… if maybe… you wanted to come to the convenience store with me after school?”
Jaemin has brief daydreams of being about ten years younger, and being in high school with someone like Jeno. He’s pretty sure he’d be obsessed with him.
“Oh. No, that’s fine. Maybe another day.”
His phone buzzes. I have to protest. I think you would get indigestion if you tried to eat me whole.
Jaemin grins. On screen, Jeno says, “Yeah, of course. Homework is hard. I can fill in your answers for this class, that will be easy. It’s okay, I want to help.”
He laughs. I do have a criticism though. The viewer is too mean, I would never walk all over you like this
Heh should I make a soft-hearted version just for you?
Yes please where the viewer and JSMR-nim end up happily ever after…
A few seconds later, a voice note from Jeno pops up. It’s the first time Jaemin has received one from Jeno. He pauses the video to play the recording.
“I was actually wondering if… maybe… you’d like to go to the convenience store with me later?”
He says it in the same hushed tone as the video. Jaemin’s smile grows.
He presses to send a recording back. “Oppa, I would love to go to the convenience store with you,” he says, starting out as a whisper, but he’s not very good at staying quiet with the glee in his voice. “Will you buy me chocolate milk?”
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ Jeno sends back. You’re bad at this. Why am I Oppa? We are in the same year at school, duh
Because I want you to be Oppa. Doesn’t everyone want an Oppa?
ㅋㅋㅋ If you say so
He finds he’s gazing at his phone lovingly, wondering what to say next. Oh, he’s down bad for this boy.
But for real. I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day, Jeno sends after a short pause and Jaemin sits up a little straighter. And I’ve been researching what ways I can overcome my fear of leaving the house lately. I think I want to try
Jaemin feels overwhelmed with pride and affection for a moment. That’s really amazing and brave. I’m so happy to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?
Jeno types briefly, then the bubble disappears. All of a sudden, his contact appears on Jaemin’s screen, calling him.
Jaemin fumbles to pick up the phone.
“Jeno?”
“You’ve already helped me a lot, you know. The whole reason I want to do this is because I want to be able to meet with you like a normal person.”
Excitement tingles in his fingers. “Really?”
“Really. Can we set a date to meet somewhere so that I have a deadline to work to? And I guess be aware I might cancel if things don’t go well…”
“Of course we can. Where do you want to meet?”
“The park? I know you cycle, I was thinking we could do that together?”
“Cute. I like it. Is this weekend too soon?”
“…I’ll let you know? Mark is going to drive me out somewhere tomorrow night. If it goes well, let’s go to the park on Saturday.”
“I’ll meet you anywhere, any time, gorgeous.”
Jeno chuckles softly. “I might be a mess.”
“You know, there is a delicious dessert called Eton Mess. I can eat you up no matter what, okay?”
“Please don’t eat me, I’m trying very hard to go out with you.”
“Okay cutie, you win, no eating for now. How about hugs, are hugs okay?”
“Yeah. Hugs are okay.”
“Then I will be there, and you can expect hugs!”
🎙️
Jeno’s head is swimming as he shuts the door of Mark’s car.
He’s been out of the apartment for all of ten seconds, and he’s really hoping the build up of anxiety will be the worst part of all this.
That wasn’t the case two days ago. He felt physically ill when they’d arrived at their destination, as much as he’d tried to enjoy the riverside view they’d parked at. Simply being around so many people again was overwhelming.
But still, he had done it—not without tears, or worrying he might be about to suffer a heart attack—but still, he did what he set out to do, and both Mark and Jaemin hadn’t let him go without celebrating it.
Ultimately, Jeno was proud of himself.
Everything he’s looked up about agoraphobia promises it will get easier after that first time, the initial confrontation of his trigger.
But he’s honestly not sure he’d be able to face it again today if it weren’t for the prospect of seeing Jaemin at the other end.
“Are you ready?” Mark asks, shutting the door on the driver’s side.
“Uh-huh.” He can hear the lack of conviction in his own voice.
“It’ll be worth it when you get there, I promise.”
“I can’t even text him today,” he says, stomach rolling, and he tips his head back against the headrest. “I’m too scared I’m going to disappoint him.”
“Jaemin knows the deal,” Mark says, firing up the engine, and Jeno screws his eyes shut. “He’s not going to be disappointed, or else he’s gonna get a load of me, okay?”
He manages a chuckle. “Are you going to beat him up for me?”
“That’s right,” Mark says, putting the car into drive and setting off. “I got you, man.”
Their agreed meeting place is a park only a short drive away. He’s not sure which he’s more scared of—having to sit in the car for fifteen long minutes, or having to meet Jaemin for their first official date in fifteen short minutes.
Mark puts on some music—Jeno’s favourite ballad playlist, because he’s thoughtful like that—and Jeno looks out of the window, trying not to catastrophise everything that could possibly go wrong.
Mark is a reliable driver, and cars aren’t even technically the origin of his fear. His horrible terrible disastrous panic attack four months ago took place on the metro. But he’s still sitting frozen in his seat, feeling as though he’s back there, trapped in something moving and dangerous that he couldn’t leave but his body and mind was screaming for him to get away from.
He can’t really pay attention to the small talk Mark is trying to upkeep, the words going in one ear and out the other. But he knows Mark gets it, and doesn’t worry too much about disappointing him, too.
By the time they arrive, it’s hard to breathe. Mark brings the car to a stop, and reaches out to put a hand on Jeno’s chest.
“Breathe in deeply for me, Jen.”
He tries, drawing in air, tears prickling at his eyes. Why is this so hard?
“Okay, now exhale slowly.”
Mark’s hand rises and falls with his intake and exhale of air.
“Now again.”
He looks out the window as he takes a few more breaths. Without the rumble of the car around him, the silence is deafening, but his heart rate does slow. Enough that he can regain his senses, anyway.
When his eyes focus, he notices a familiar sight.
Jaemin is sitting on a park bench not ten meters away, bike propped up next to it. He glances up, and by his look Jeno can tell he had spotted them already, but was patiently waiting for Jeno to be over his panic before approaching.
Hi, he mouths, waving with a soft smile, and just like that, Jeno realises Jaemin does get it, and that he’ll wait for Jeno. That he’s patient and understanding in a way he’d only dreamed could be possible.
He also remembers why he was so determined to go out with Jaemin in the first place. The excitement he gets at the prospect of seeing Jaemin overwhelms everything.
Hug? He mouths back.
Jaemin’s smile widens, and he hops off his bench.
Jeno looks back at Mark, who has a lopsided smile on his own face.
“Thank you, Hyung,” Jeno says, and leans over the console to hug him.
“Anytime, aegi,” Mark murmurs into his shoulder, warmth in his voice. “I’m so proud of you. Have a good day, call me when you want picking up, okay? And tell him if he hurts you, he’s dead!”
Jeno laughs as he opens the car door, and Jaemin is right there, welcoming him in a hug.
He’s still got a stray tear on his face. But being held in Jaemin’s arms, in the quiet, fresh park air, he feels comfortable.
Happy. He’s so glad he came.
“Hi there, gorgeous,” Jaemin says into his ear, smile in his voice. “You made it.”
“I made it,” he agrees, breathing in Jaemin’s scent. It’s floral, but somehow that makes sense for Jaemin, even wearing his black tank top and a backwards cap. “I couldn’t miss this.”
“Cute,” Jaemin grins, leaning out of the hug to crane his neck and look into the car. “I heard that, Mark, and I’ll have you know I’ll dispose of myself if Jeno so much as looks mildly annoyed today.”
“That’s what I like to hear,” Mark responds.
They fetch Jeno’s bike out of the car, say final goodbyes to Mark, and set off around the park trail together.
After not cycling for months, he thought he might feel tired easily, or unsure on the bike. But it’s as if it’s been no time at all since his last ride, and Jaemin is mindful to let Jeno set the pace. He forgot how freeing it was, to ride with no particular direction like this, the world flashing by.
They stop after they’ve both been worn out by a steep hill, and mutually agree this is the place to take a break and have the picnic Jaemin had prepared. He’s even brought a blanket, and they find a quiet, clear patch between the trees to lay it down, with a beautiful view of the sparkling Han river below them. Leaves rustle and birds tweet, but there’s no one else around aside from a few distant voices of hikers and playing children.
Jaemin has brought some baguettes filled with ham and cheese, as well as grapes, olives, several flavour options of crisps, and a box of fancy-looking cupcakes.
“You should’ve asked me to carry some of this!” Jeno says as Jaemin keeps pulling out more and more food from his rucksack. He has nothing on him except his phone strapped to the bike, while Jaemin has been lugging all this and the blanket around the park.
“Be quiet, I’m a romantic. And I hardly noticed, honestly.”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t notice on that hill we just did.”
“Maybe a little bit. But I was close to disposing of myself just because you were tiring out, it would have been the end for me if I had asked you to carry something.”
They rest on the blanket and enjoy the comfortable summer weather while they eat, casually comparing their favourite cycle routes and discussing their filming plans for the next few weeks.
At some point, Jeno realises that he feels… fine.
The anxiety is still there, when he looks for it. It’s hard to imagine it will ever not sit somewhere in his chest. But he was swept up by the freedom of being on his bike again, by the novelty of being out here with Jaemin.
He’s even enjoying himself. He really, really likes hanging out with Jaemin.
“I’m really touched you came out with me today,” Jaemin says after the food is cleared away, and they’re picking at the grapes and procrastinating getting back on their bikes. Conversation flows too naturally to interrupt it, and Jeno loves having Jaemin to himself in this quiet glade. “And so glad to be spending the day with you.”
“I’m really glad I came. I wasn’t sure if I could when I woke up this morning, but it’s worth it.”
“Yeah?”
“So worth it.”
Jaemin looks so beautiful when he smiles. Jeno ducks his head to hide his own smile.
“This is the happiest day I’ve had in a long time. I know we’re only at lunch time, but…”
“Yeah,” Jeno says. “I feel that. I’m glad you came out with me too, you know.”
“We both overcame a lot to be here, right?”
“I’d do it all again to come out with you.”
“Really? That’s amazing. You’re amazing.”
“I really like you,” he says, and he thought it would be hard to say, but Jaemin somehow makes everything easy. “That’s all.”
“That’s all?” Jaemin leans in closer, eyes flicking to Jeno’s lips. “No, no, that’s not all! Is this a date?”
Jeno nearly chokes. “Did you bring all this without thinking it was a date?”
“Only the best for you, however you want me,” Jaemin smiles, not moving away. Jeno feels a little like he’s about to be eaten whole, but he doesn’t move away. “Does this mean you like me, Lee Jeno?”
“Hmm,” Jeno says, lifting a hand and placing his thumb to Jaemin’s bottom lip. It’s plush, and his mouth opens slightly under Jeno’s hand. “Depends. Will you go to the convenience store with me after school?”
Jaemin laughs. “I will even pay for your chocolate milk.”
“So generous.”
“I know.”
They lean in at the same time and meet in a kiss, both smiling into it, noses bumping. Jeno cups the back of Jaemin’s head, and Jaemin’s touch on his knee burns through his clothes.
On the inside, his heart is jumping, dancing in his chest. He’d forgotten he was allowed this kind of joy.
When they part, Jaemin chases him to press another kiss to his lips, and Jeno giggles, the sound smothered by Jaemin’s affection.
Yeah. He could do this over and over again with Jaemin.