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Your love for more is scattered across the cosmos, its debris follows me wherever I go.
My longing for you is a pain worse than death,
Sustained by the memories of our time together, scattered across the cosmos
The debris of my failure follows me wherever I go.
There were few planets that Vader hated more than Tatooine…but Naboo, that place was a thorn in his side. The Emperor’s home planet was a place Vader loved beyond limits, for that is where she rested…but visiting hurt worse than the ordeal on Mustafar. Everywhere he went, there she was. The one whose name he dared not utter…just there, beautiful as always and so out of reach.
The museum dedicated to her reign mocked her memory, for she was so much more than Amidala. She loved being a senator working for her people so much more. And then the lakes on the planet, all reminded him of that house on the beach…the mission to protect her. Her touch, her smell, her kiss on Genosis- it all drove the Sith Lord crazy with anger, pain, and hate. How could he fail her so? Her…and his little Leia…the daughter he was sure she carried to death at his hands.
But Naboo wasn’t the only place Padme haunted her. No, the galaxy was a monument to their stolen, hidden, ill-fated love, and never did he see it as much as he did when he was hunting their son. Not his Leia but their light, their Luke.
His fortress on Mustafar was a palace dedicated to his pain, not because of what he suffered at the hands of the cursed fool Obi-Wan, but because of what Anakin had done there. And yet, once he knew Luke survived somehow…the how evaded Vader…the place became where she fell, ready to be saved, and yet he didn’t. Blinded by rage, he let her slip through his fingers.
When he came across Alderan, the day he would meet his son in battle, even as he blew up the planet and held back the crying princess, all he could hear was her describing Bail’s palace. That night, his sabre tore through droids to avoid thinking of what Padme would think of the Alderan princess, the child of her friends Bail and Breha. Padme had always wanted to visit the mountains of Alderan with…with the weakling.
And then the Cloud City. Padme had often spoken about mining there needed to be regulated, while simultaneously talking about how beautiful it was, and once they went public, it would be the first place they would visit. After seeing her family on Naboo, of course. Neither of them would speak of how they would, if ever, go public…but it was nice to dream of faraway places, like the uninhabitable peaks of Hoth, while cuddling on their balcony on the 36th Republica.
While hunting Luke, Vader went to quite a few planets. Cornelia, to find out more about the smuggler he had put in carbonite, and there he could remember that one diplomatic mission where Padme had once again jumped the gun. Disguised as a handmaiden, a move she loved, she had gone playing cards in a cantina to “gather information.” The Jedi he used to be had gone mad with worry, despite knowing she was a very capable woman. But she was his wife; how could he let her walk into danger armed with just a blaster?
When they flew past Mandelore, he would recall how she cried at the funeral of their last ruler, citing how the blonde queen had been a friend, and then his blood would boil inside his suit, before hate-fuelled glee at Obi-Wan’s pain at the Empire’s victory over the Mandos soothed him. He didn’t focus on what Padme would say about that. Near the outer rim, he would struggle to forget sieges and missions, where he would talk to her in secret, squashing the underserved wish of seeing her hologram one last time, if nothing else. No wonder he could never play the videos he had of her Senate appearances. He never felt deserving of gazing on her beauty.
And yet…the debris of their love followed him across the galaxy. From Coruscant to Tatooine…wherever Vader went, Anakin and Padme’s tragic love followed, reminding him of what his actions cost.
“Not her son!”
“Not my child!”
“Not again!”
Sometimes, words aren’t said but thought. Thought before, one picks up an enemy- an enemy they couldn’t see for the longest time- and throws him down a chute to his death.
And sometimes, those words come from debris scattered across space and the know