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Henry has a date. That he is genuinely excited about. A fourth date. Henry almost never goes on second dates, let alone fourth dates.
Alex is feeling completely, totally, absolutely normal about this.
They are going on a hike.
Henry hates hikes, at least that’s what he told Alex the one time Alex suggested that the two of them hike, but he still seems really excited. He even asked Alex if he could borrow his hiking boots.
They were too small. Whatever; size 9 is average. Henry just has clown feet.
When the guy shows up Alex greets him, by name even, since they met the morning after the night of the first date (which Alex also feels very normal about). Alex smiles and waves at them both as they step into the hall.
Alex doesn’t scowl when he hears the guy say, “Did you look in the mirror before leaving the apartment? Your sweater is inside out,” even though he says it in a mean tone. The door closes before Alex can hear Henry’s response but Alex knows that whatever it is, Henry is going to blush high up on his cheeks at his mistake.
It’s completely normal to be able to picture the exact shade of red that your roommate blushes. It is. Alex knows it for sure.
Alex decides to spend the day watching Star Wars on his laptop in his bedroom. He starts on the couch with the big TV but ends up spending the first half of A New Hope watching the door and his watch and wondering when Henry will come home.
While that is completely normal behavior, Alex still decides that his bedroom will be less distracting and retreats from the living room.
He hears the door crash open about a third of the way into Empire.
Henry rarely slams the door, he is the more restrained of the two of them by far. Alex is incredibly curious but he hears the low rumble of Stephan’s voice and decides to stay in his room for the moment.
“Yes,” Henry says, “Yes I understand. It’s your niece’s birthday. Go. I’ll get Alex to help me.”
Stephan mumbles an apology and the door opens and closes.
Alex feels something strange in his stomach about the way Henry says his name but he ignores it and heads out of his room to offer help with whatever the situation is.
To say he is surprised when he steps out his door into the living room would be a dramatic understatement.
Henry is shirtless.
Alex’s brain blue screens.
It’s not that Henry’s shy about his body exactly but he never walks around without a shirt and he darts from the bathroom to his bedroom after a shower. Not that Alex has been looking. Henry also tends to avert his eyes when Alex walks around shirtless after he plays pick-up lacrosse in the park.
Henry is shirtless.
Jesus.
After a moment Henry’s voice pulls him out of his fugue state. “Alex! Thank God you’re here. I need you.”
Alex has a moment of wondering what help Henry needs without his shirt on and then Henry turns around and Alex sees it.
Henry’s back is covered in an angry red rash and Henry keeps trying to scratch and then visibly stopping himself.
“What the fuck happened to you?”
“Poison ivy.” Henry sighs.
“On your back? Were you naked in the woods?”
“Um…”
“Henry!”
“He’s very…good, Alex and he suggested we leave the path and then I was shirtless and on the ground and…well. It was all very good until the itching.”
Alex snorts.
“Alex.” Henry pleads.
“Is he covered like this?”
“He was on top of me, his torso barely touched the poison ivy. And apparently I am significantly more allergic to it than he is.”
“And he didn’t stay to take care of you?”
“It’s his niece’s birthday. Please, Alex,” Henry thrusts a bottle of calamine lotion into Alex’s hands.
Alex stares at it.
“Alex! I can’t reach it and it’s really rather unbearable.”
It’s kind of funny.
Alex is trying really hard not to laugh looking at Henry, but he’s not really succeeding.
“Alex if you don’t touch me in the next thirty seconds, I’ll just do it myself.” Henry grits out between clenched teeth. “I will figure out how to bend that way.”
“Hold your horses! I’m going as fast as I can.”
Alex struggles with the bottle until finally he gets the lid open and squirts some on his fingers.
Then he reaches out with shaking fingers. God, why are his fingers shaking? This is a totally normal roommate activity. Touching Henry is totally normal. Bros helping bros.
At first touch Henry whimpers and Alex inhales sharply and, well.
It isn’t funny anymore.
Henry positively unfurls under his touch, arching and leaning into Alex’s hands.
“Mother of God Alex, that feels so good.”
Alex freezes, starts to withdraw his hand.
“No please, you haven’t finished my back.” Henry looks back with pleading eyes.
Alex clears his throat. “Yes, right, sorry. Just, um, putting more lotion on my fingers.”
Henry nods and looks away.
Alex touches him again. Slow but firm pressure, careful not to tickle. He’d had poison ivy three times as a child and remembers well that a light touch makes the itch worse.
Henry moans and Alex picks up the pace, covering Henry’s back with firm strokes.
When he’s done he traces his finger along the line of Henry’s shorts in the back. “Do you need more? Is it under…?”
Henry nods, “It’s there too.”
Alex inhales sharply.
“But I can…”
Alex starts to slip his fingers under Henry’s waistband. “No, it’s fine, I’ll do it.”
“Alex.”
Henry turns and meets his eyes. Alex can see him make a decision and his hands go to his zipper. “Right, I’ll just.” He turns away, lowering his zipper and pulling his pants down in the back. He bends at the waist, presenting his ass to Alex.
Alex can see that the poison ivy is worse here, darker and more angry. “Jesus, Henry.”
“Alex, please, don’t wait.”
Alex puts more calamine on his fingers and then trails his fingers over the curve of Henry’s ass. Henry shudders. Alex takes a long few moments slowly and firmly covering every inch of poison ivy with calamine until…
He takes a deep breath and then glides his fingers gently between Henry’s cheeks and Henry makes a broken sound and straightens up.
His pants are up and zipped and he takes the calamine, walking quickly away before Alex has even pulled his hand back.
“Yes, ehrm, thank you. I’ve got it from here!” Henry half shouts as he strides away and into his room. He slams his door.
Alex is breathing hard like after a long run and he realizes that he’s hard. Totally normal. Bros helping bros.
Alex takes a very normal amount of time in the shower after and doesn’t touch himself at all.
He wakes up hard the next morning and jerks off quickly and without thinking of anything in particular.
He doesn’t leave his room until he hears Henry leave for work. Alex works from home on Mondays, and usually gets a little bit of a late start. Nothing strange about staying in his room a little longer than usual. Even if he really has to pee.
As soon as Henry is out, Alex bolts for the bathroom. After, he wanders into the kitchen and finds coffee on the counter, still holding the faintest of warmth. He takes a sip and it’s exactly how he likes it. He smiles softly despite himself. God, Henry is so great.
Alex spends the rest of the day focusing as hard as he can on work and as little as he can on Henry.
But Henry is everywhere. The poetry book he’s currently reading is on the coffee table and one of his sweaters is folded neatly on Henry’s favorite chair. Henry’s tea is in the kitchen. Henry’s books are mixed with Alex’s on the bookshelves.
Henry is inescapable.
Thoughts of Henry are inescapable.
Thoughts of touching Henry are inescapable.
Alex has never before spent so much of a workday hard. Not even when he was having a fling with one of his coworkers and they used to fuck in the file room sometimes.
This is not normal. This is not bros.
Alex wants to touch Henry again; wants to feel Henry’s muscles shifting under Alex’s hands, wants to taste the skin on Henry’s neck, wants to rub his face against the spot on the hinge of Henry’s jaw that Henry often misses while shaving.
Fuck. Alex wants Henry.
For a long time Alex has thought of Henry as his platonic life partner, perfect for him in every way except sexually. Alex is straight after all, so he and Henry would never have a romantic relationship but Alex still wants Henry to be in his life. Henry is the most important person in his life and he never wants that to change.
If Alex does want Henry sexually, what does that mean about Alex? And about Alex and Henry? Is Alex gay? Probably not, he really really enjoys sex with women. Is Alex bi? Probably, given the incredibly detailed blowjob fantasy his brain conjured up almost immediately after he started thinking about sex and Henry.
Does he want to date Henry?
He briefly entertains what it might be like to date Henry. He imagines kissing goodbye in the morning, bringing home flowers after work just to make Henry smile. Pictures holding hands over the table at their favorite restaurant. He imagines cuddling against him while they watch television.
God he wants that.
Fuck. He has to talk to Henry.
Henry gets home late. He’s in a good mood, humming as he comes in at 1 am.
Alex is waiting up.
“Where have you been?” He fires off as soon as Henry closes the door behind him.
Henry looks stunned, probably because of Alex’s tone. He’d been aiming at casually curious but from Henry’s expression it’s clear he missed the mark.
“Out with Stephan.” he says eventually, smiling a little when he says Stephan’s name.
“A fifth date?” Alex says softly. Oh. Oh fuck.
“A what? Maybe? I haven’t been counting.”
“Is it…? Are you guys getting serious?” Alex is again trying for casually curious but he’s pretty sure he misses it again.
“I’m not sure. There’s potential certainly.”
“Potential.” Alex says softly.
“Yes.” Henry says, “Alex, is everything alright? You don’t seem yourself.”
Alex swallows. “Yes. Of course. I’m very happy for you.” He sounds robotic even to himself.
“You’re clearly not alright, what’s going on?”
Alex has spent the day agonizing over his feelings for Henry and letting himself believe that Henry might have the same feelings for him. The way he responded to Alex’s touch… Alex thought surely there was something there. Clearly he was wrong.
“Sorry. I just…I got confused about some things.”
“Confused about my relationship?”
Relationship. Fuck. Henry was in a relationship and Alex expected him to drop it and run into Alex’s arms. He’d been so stupid. So very stupid.
“I don’t know, maybe, yeah? Nevermind, I’m just tired.” Alex gets up from his chair and moves toward his room.
“Alex.”
“Goodnight Henry.”
Alex spends the next few weeks working very hard to be happy for Henry. And working very hard to go back to the “just bros” feelings he’d had about Henry before. The problem is that the longer Alex thinks about it the farther back he can see those feelings. He is starting to think maybe he was attracted to Henry when they first met during Alex’s freshman year in college. And he was maybe in love with Henry even before they moved in together after Alex graduated.
Certainly Alex has had partners in the time since, but no one serious, no one who lasted. No one who inspired one tenth of the feelings that Henry inspires.
Henry is happier and happier with Stephan and Alex is sadder and sadder as he realizes what he’s losing.
Alex is trying, he’s really trying, but he knows he’s being weird. He can’t help but hide in his room whenever Stephan comes over, even when Henry tries to cajole him out so he and Stephan can get to know each other more.
Alex doesn’t want to know Stephan. Alex knows that Stephan makes Henry happy and Alex sad and that’s all he really needs to know.
And then four weeks after the calamine incident, it all comes to a head.
It’s Sunday and Alex starts his day by jerking off in the shower thinking of Henry. It’s been a long time since he even tried to resist that line of thought while jerking off. This morning he’s thinking about Henry’s ass and what it would be like to slide his fingers down it once more without the pretense of poison ivy and calamine lotion. What those firm muscles would feel like in his hand, what it might be like to press a finger inside, what noises Henry might make when he did it. He comes hard and then feels the normal post Henry orgasm sadness. He’s learning how to let that sadness be present and still move about his life. If he wants to keep Henry around he has to function even when he’s aching inside.
So he does.
When he’s dressed and ready to face the day, he goes to the kitchen for breakfast and finds Henry sitting at the table with two mugs in front of him. Henry motions for him to sit and pushes one of the mugs toward Alex. There’s a strange expression on his face but Alex sits without questioning and drinks the coffee greedily.
“Alex. We need to talk.”
Alex’s insides turn to ice. “What’s on your mind Henry?”
Henry takes a deep breath. “Alex. You’ve been acting strange for weeks. You’ve been shutting me out. You practically live in your bedroom. You never want to have breakfast together, you don’t want to watch movies, I even asked if you wanted to watch Empire with me the other day and instead of jumping at the chance to extoll its virtues you shook your head and went back to your room.
“Have I…” Henry swallows, “have I done something to upset you?”
“No!” Alex chokes on his coffee a little, “No! You’re perfect, I’m just…being weird.”
“I can’t help but notice that each of the times you’ve declined to spend time with me Stephan has been here. If it’s not me, is there something about him that upsets you?”
Alex grimaces. “He’s not…my favorite person.”
Henry looks distressed. “But why? He’s never done anything to you.”
Alex smiles but he knows it’s dim. “Sure, let’s go with that.”
“What? What has he done?”
“No, you’re right, he’s done nothing, I’m just a cranky bastard and can’t seem to like him. Look, I've got a lot to do today.”
Alex stands and tries to move away but Henry grabs his wrist. Alex can’t suppress the shiver that goes through him.
“Alex, please. I miss you.”
Henry’s voice is pleading and his hand around Alex’s wrist is hot and Alex? Well, Alex is only a man.
“Do you really want to know why I hate him?”
“Yes. Very much. I want things to be good between us again.”
Alex takes a deep breath and steps into Henry’s space. “When I’m around him all I can feel is sadness.”
“Sadness?”
“And maybe jealousy.”
Henry gapes. “Jealousy?”
Alex nods.
“Alex, what are you saying?”
Alex reaches toward Henry but stops himself before he can stroke Henry’s hair. “Don’t you know, sweetheart?”
Henry shakes his head.
“I’m jealous because he has you. He gets to hold you, and kiss you, and touch you the way I want to. And I’m sad because I know I’ll never have any of that. You love him and you’re serious about him and it’s only a matter of time until you leave me to be with him and it makes me want to die whenever I think about it.”
“Alex…” Henry stands and cups Alex’s face. “Alex…” and then he shakes his head and steps away. “You’re straight.”
“Really, really not.”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s a relatively new revelation.”
“When?”
Alex swallows. “The…uh…calamine incident?”
Henry blushes. “Oh.”
There is a beat of silence and Alex allows himself a moment of wild hope. He takes a slow step toward Henry, reaching out again.
And then Henry moves two steps back.
“I need to talk to Stephan.”
Alex’s heart shatters. “Oh.”
“Yes. I’ll just…I have to go.” And Henry leaves.
Alex goes back to bed.
He sleeps until three and then drags himself to the couch. He puts on The Good Place and lets himself space out. Thank God for Sundays, he doesn’t think he could work in this condition.
Henry gets home at five.
Alex tries to pull himself together but the trip from despondent slug to alert and together human is a slow one and he doesn’t quite have the energy to make the journey.
“Alex.” Henry says.
Alex stares up at him. Henry’s energy is unusually intense and Alex doesn’t quite know what to make of it. “How did it go with Stephan?” Asking hurts.
“We broke up.”
And suddenly Alex feels completely awake. He pulls himself to a sitting position. “Oh?”
Henry nods.
Alex swallows, “why?”
And then Henry is sitting on the couch, close enough to touch. “You know why.”
Hope blooms in Alex’s chest but he shakes his head, “I don’t think I do.”
Henry reaches out and touches Alex’s arm, pulls him closer. “Alex,” he says softly.
They are so close that Alex has to tip his face up to meet Henry’s eyes. “Henry?”
And Henry closes the distance between them.
Alex has kissed people before. Has kissed people he’s been very attracted to before, has kissed people he’s felt very comfortable with before.
It has never been anything like this.
Henry kisses him like he’ll die if he doesn’t and Alex is completely swept away. Every thought he’s ever had leaves his brain and all he can think about is how soft Henry’s lips are, how good they feel against his. They both open their mouths and the moment that their tongues touch Alex understands the universe on a fundamental level he never has before.
This is everything.
Henry leans in and the press of him against Alex feels so fucking good. Then Henry pushes him down to the couch, lips never leaving Alex’s and Alex feels even fucking better. Henry’s fingers pushing under the hem of his sweatshirt are electric and Alex can’t help but moan.
Henry pulls back a little, “Fuck. Alex, I didn’t mean to…should we talk about this?”
“Later. Right now I’m going to die if you stop touching me.”
Henry laughs and kisses him again.
Sometime later they are naked and in Henry’s bed, and Alex is exhausted and sated and so fucking happy he feels like he must be glowing. He curls himself under Henry’s arm and grins into his collarbone.
“Shall we talk now, love?”
Alex tenses, just a little, and Henry frowns down at him.
“What’s wrong?”
Alex buries his face into Henry’s chest.
“Alex. What are you doing?”
Alex lifts his head. “Delaying.”
“Why?”
Alex sighs and decides to be brave.
“Because now I have to tell you I’m even more in love with you than I thought and I have to listen to you let me down gently.”
Henry tips Alex’s chin so he’s meeting Henry’s eyes.
“Alex, I’ve been in love with you since the moment I first saw you. Whatever would give you the impression that I’ll be anything but thrilled to hear that you feel the same way?”
“Wait, really? But you were so into Stephan.”
“He was a consolation prize because I’d given up hope. I worked hard to convince myself I wanted him because I’d decided that you would never love me back.”
“So when you knew I was interested…”
“I broke up with him immediately.”
Alex grins and kisses Henry.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Alex can’t imagine a moment happier than this one, though he welcomes the opportunity to continue to explore with Henry and see if there are even better moments to come.