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Nick stared at the blade that would free him. From the final tethers attaching him to the Angels, from his wings.
It was going to hurt. But it was better than continuing to associate himself with those monsters. At least the pain would make Nick human and distance him even further from his origins.
He would deal with it. He could deal with it.
And so, with a strip of his torn up uniform bunched up in his mouth, he plunged the knife into his flesh. A sharp, agonizing pain shot through him. The gag at least worked somewhat to muffle the scream that emerged.
But he was fine. He was fine, he was fine. He was going to do it because he had to.
And so Nick did it again. And again. And again.
When he finally stopped to check his handiwork, he almost screamed- this time out of frustration. His sides were littered with gashes and cuts. But not one even neared the tattoo.
It was like it didn’t want to leave. The blemish was just a reminder, really.
Maybe he could never really escape. If Nick couldn’t even get rid of the tattoo that marked him as a monster, what did that mean about all of the awful lies and words that curled in his chest, planted there by the Angels.
Why, he hadn’t even cried the entire time. He should have. He should have cried had it not been for Them training away his humanity, teaching him to lock away any sort of signs he was anything other than a soldier. A weapon.
For a brief, bitter moment he almost wondered if maybe putting the blade elsewhere, into the root of the evil would save him. Maybe, just maybe-
No. No Nick couldn’t do that. Killing himself was the easy way out. He wouldn’t really be redeemed for his sins- his mistakes if he died.
It would be something that haunted him for the rest of his life but he wanted to at least make up for some of his actions.
There was even less of a chance of forgiveness if he just died now.
It didn’t make the thought any less tempting, but it wasn’t fair. So he wouldn’t. He couldn’t be like that any more.
And would trying to remove the wings help any more than suicide?
Maybe they didn’t want to leave because they were part of the punishment. They reminded him of his eternal repentance. Of what he had done and everything that was needed for forgiveness.
So Nick would bear the weight of the guilt they held and he would go on.
…maybe he could go find that group of nonbelievers he’d seen days earlier, raiding a store. They’d clearly been trying to be quiet and were failing miserably. He knew where they were immediately.
Maybe he could find them and present himself as a lone survivor looking for shelter. And he could help to the best of his ability, giving resources and fighting for them.
Maybe.
Nick would have to hide his past though. They couldn’t know. If they did, they’d realize he was a monster. And he couldn’t let that happen.
If they knew, they’d kill him and he could never be forgiven.