Work Text:
It had been a rather eventful night for the turtles, as they were currently dealing with a squirrel problem. But because their lives could never be easy or normal, they were dealing with mutant squirrels, and while Leo and Donnie chased one squirrel that entered the Dojo, Raph and Mikey chased the other one into a place Raph didn’t want to go near without wearing a hazmat suit.
Mikey’s room.
When Mikey opened the door to his room, it was exactly what Raph envisioned. Empty pizza and Chinese food boxes everywhere, an unmade bed, a pair of stained tighty whities hanging off a skateboard, and a smell that could be described as unpleasant.
Yep, only Mikey could live in such an environment.
“Ugh. God, how long has it been since you even cleaned this place, Mikey? Weeks? Months? Years?” asked Raph.
“Uhhh, I’ll get back to you on that question later,” Mikey said while looking under his bed for the squirrel.
“Why do you have tighty whities?” asked Raph.
“First of all, they’re called Tytee Wytees. And second, that is a story for another day,” said Mikey.
“And why do you still have that cutout of Chris Bradford? I thought you would’ve thrown it out after what happened with him,” said Raph.
Getting out from underneath his bed, Mikey said, “Okay, like, I know Chris is a bad dude and all that, but it doesn’t mean I hate him as an actor. I still like his movies and cartoons; I just don’t like him as a person. It’s like…it’s like, um-”
“Separating art from the artist?” Raph finished for Mikey.
“Yeah, it’s exactly like that. Plus, if I ever get mad about something, I can just take it out on Chris,” said Mikey.
“I guess that makes sense,” said Raph.
A little while later, Raph and Mikey forgot about the squirrel and were just relaxing, with Mikey wearing the stain-covered Tytee Wytees.
“Yeah, four-day-old pepperoni, jelly bean, and maple syrup. Best pizza in the world.” Mikey said before eating a slice of said pizza.
“Your taste buds really disturb me, you know that?” replied Raph.
“They’re a gift, bro,” said Mikey.
“More like a curse.” Raph scoffed.
A moment of silence went by until Raph decided to ask, “Seriously, though, what’s with the tighty whities?”
“Dude, I said that story was for another day, and last I checked, today isn’t over yet,” said Mikey.
“Just answer the question,” said Raph.
“Well, if you want to know so bad, I’ve been working on a collection,” said Mikey.
“A collection of what?” asked Raph.
“Human underwear,” said Mikey.
Equal parts confused and grossed out, Raph replied with, “Why the hell do you want to collect that?”
“I guess I just find underwear interesting and kind of funny to look at. Think of it as me studying human culture and why humans do what they do,” said Mikey.
“But why wear it, though? It’s not like we wear clothes. We don’t need to cover anything up since our junk isn’t all out in the open,” said Raph.
“Yeah, but…I don’t know, I guess it makes me feel a little human in a way. Like, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a turtle, but there are times that I think about what it would be like if we were human,” said Mikey.
“You think about being human?” asked Raph.
“Yeah, it’s like a ‘What If’ scenario that pops in my head sometimes. You ever think about being human?” asked Mikey.
“Not really. I’d probably hate it to be honest,” said Raph.
“I think it would be pretty cool. Getting to go wherever we want and making new friends and going to school, and stuff like that. It’d be a nice life, but even still, I’m cool with my life as a teenage mutant ninja turtle,” said Mikey.
“What did you just call yourself?” asked Raph.
“A teenage mutant ninja turtle. I mean, that’s what we are. The TMNT. Cool name, right?” said Mikey.
“It sounds weird,” said Raph.
“It’s still better than ‘Turtles of Justice,’,” said Mikey.
“That we can agree on,” said Raph.
The two brothers then sat in silence for a little while longer until Raph broke the silence with another question.
“I know I’m going to regret asking this, but the underwear you collect, it’s not used underwear, is it?” asked Raph.
“Uhhhhh…I…I honestly couldn’t tell you, dude,” said Mikey.
“You…YOU DON’T KNOW?!? MIKEY, YOU CAN’T COLLECT THAT! THAT’S FUCKING NASTY!” A disturbed Raph yelled.
“Dude, we live in the sewers. We’re constantly surrounded by nastiness. What’s so bad about this?” asked Mikey before using a spare pair of underwear to wipe the pizza sauce off his face.
“DID…DID YOU JUST USE THAT AS A NAPKIN?!?” yelled Raph, who was very close to having a full-blown breakdown.
“Yeah. It makes for a-” Mikey said right before Raph snatched the underwear away from Mikey and threw it into a far corner of the room.
“Uh, rude, bro. Like, really rude,” said Mikey.
“Mikey, I’m going to say this once. If you touch that underwear or put it near your face again, I’ll destroy your Turflytle costume,” said Raph, knowing he struck a nerve.
“No. No, dude. You can’t. You can’t touch Turflytle. He’s near and dear to my heart. Buzz! Buzz!” said Mikey.
“Then STOP. COLLECTING. GROSS SHIT,” said Raph.
“Okay. I’ll stop…if you get me a pack of clean undies,” said Mikey.
Raph sighed before replying with “Fine. I’ll get you a stupid pack. Just get rid of that nasty shit.”
“Alright then, dude. I’ll go trash these and-” Mikey said until Raph cut him off.
“No, no, no. You’re not trashing it. You’re going to burn that shit, and I’ll be there to make sure it gets done,” said Raph.
“You trust me with a lighter?” asked Mikey.
“I trust you with a lighter more than I will ever trust Leo with a toaster,” said Raph.
“Fair. The dude managed to burn water. I couldn’t do that if I tried.” Mikey said before he and Raph had a laugh over Leo’s ineptitude in the kitchen.
A Few Days Later
Mikey was sitting in the common area, watching some TV, when he heard someone walking towards him. And judging by the heavy footsteps, he knew it was Raph.
“Raph, if this is about what happened during morning training, I already told you that-” Mikey said before he abruptly stopped when Raph threw something in his lap.
And something happened to be a pack of clean white briefs.
“Dude! I didn’t think you would actually get me some. Where’d you get them anyway?” asked Mikey.
“I’d rather not talk about it. What matters is that you have it, okay?” said Raph.
Mikey got up and gave Raph a hug, saying, “Thanks, bro”.
“Whatever. Just don’t mention it. EVER,” said Raph.
Right after the hug, Mikey quickly opened the pack of briefs and put a pair on.
“How do I look?” Mikey asked while showing off his underwear.
“Like an absolute dork,” said Raph.
“You’re just jealous that I totally rock these,” said Mikey.
“Me? Jealous? Of you wearing underwear? Yeah, keep telling yourself that.” Raph said before walking away.
“I know you are, dude,” said Mikey, while Raph ignored him and went to his room, very much done with Mikey for the time being.
Mikey then went back to watching TV, saying to himself, “Yeah, he’s totally jealous.”