Chapter Text
"The outcome was never in our favor, Gary."
"Cut it to me straight, HUE. What are my chances of getting out of this mess?"
"In your current state, you will pass the point of recovery in ten minutes. You are also leaking O2, Gary."
"Huh. Look at that, they went with green for a red alert. I mean, I would have gone with red. Or periwinkle. Heck, or even eggnog. I don't even know if that's a color but good Lord, I just want eggnog."
"The rate of the leak will render you lifeless in nine minutes."
"You are really buttering me up with fantastic news."
"I am afraid Gary there is no foreseeable outcome where you survive."
"This day can suck. Right in the nose bleeds."
Toro Nebula Sector 4636
A woman in her early thirties splashed some cold water in her face before looking at herself in the bathroom mirror. She took note of the dark circles under her eyes and parted some of her silver hair away to get a closer look at her face. "Shit," she cursed. "Another day on the Galaxy One, worst stink hole prison ship in space."
"Good morning, Elizabeth."
The woman sighed. "HUE, I told you, call me Fly. Elizabeth sounds too formal."
"I wanted to let you know it's Day 1,000."
"Laa dee dah," Fly said sarcastically. She exhaled loudly then looked over at the toilet. "Forgot to flush again." She flushed the toilet and went to change into her red and white prison uniform. She went to the mess hall to find a young man with blonde hair playing with his oatmeal.
"Hello old friend," he said to it. "It's been a while."
"Talking to your food again, Gary," Fly said.
"Oh, it's nothing," Gary said. "You know when you've got an extended sentence, you make friends wherever you can."
A SAMES security robot with the word "Hank" written on its forehead walked in. "Hey, Hank," Gary said, putting an arm around its shoulder. "What's up?" Hank sparked and fizzed. "Yeah, Beth is looking good today," Gary said, giving a seductive glance to a fridge that had a face made out of magnets. "Look at that, staring at me with those hot eyes. You. Me. Later."
"Please don't," Fly said. "I do not want you jizzing all over my food again."
"Hey, Lizzy!" Gary held up a pack of cards. "You want to play? Come on, I need a human player. Hank is...burning through my decks, literally!"
"Sure, what are we playing? Old maid or..."
Suddenly, a round, yellow, floating robot with a single eye appeared and gave Gary and Fly a hug. "Hey, hey, hey, guys!"
"Ugh," groaned Fly. "You again?!"
"Ooh, a cookie!" The yellow robot hovered over to the vending machine, took a cookie from it and began smashing it into his face.
"HUE?"
"Yes, Gary?"
"Can I have a cookie?"
"Hmm...no, Gary."
"Why...not?! You opened it for KVN! That sack of wet turds can't even eat cookies! He just smashes them into his processor slot! I hate KVN! So painfully! He is the bane of my life!"
"If you take a cookie, I will be forced to add another full day to your sentence."
Gary heard this and laughed. KVN laughed too for reasons unknown. "You think a full day scares the captain?!"
"You're not the captain," Fly said. "I think HUE's said that thousands of times."
"Hah! Shows what you know!"
"She is correct," HUE said. "As I have said for the past five years, you are not the captain. You are a prisoner."
Gary just scoffed. "Sounds vaguely familiar. Now open this cabinet!"
The door opened and KVN took another cookie and smashed it into his face. "They're just sooooooo good!"
Gary tried to grab a cookie, but the door slammed on his hand, making him scream. "One day has been added to your sentence," said HUE.
"HA!" laughed Gary. "I touched one! The captain's touched one!"
POW!
Fly knocked him out cold and his hand slid out of the cabinet. He fell onto his face with a thud.
"Idiot," she said.
"Hey, Fly!" said KVN. "Would you like to play cards? We can chat, tell secrets, share each other's life stories..."
"I told you not to call me that," Fly growled. "My name is Elizabeth. Ugh. I need a beer."
"You are not permitted to consume alcohol during your sentence, Elizabeth."
"I NEED A FUCKING BEER, DAMN IT! IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO TOLERATE THIS TIN BOX YOU CALL A SHIP! AND DON'T CALL ME ELIZABETH!" She broke down sobbing. "I need a beer!"
"Captain's Log: 80085. Hey, Quinn! Guess who! It's me, Gary again! Quinn, I've thought about it and I've decided since this is the beginning of the day, the day of our anniversary, you know, it's time to get real. Quinn, this is the real raw Gary. It's been EATING ME UP INSIDE KEEPING THE REAL GARY FROM YOU! Ouch!"
"For five years, real, raw Gary hasn't been able to keep you out of his mind. When I met you that day, I knew you were it."
"Oh, was that before or after you impersonated an Infinity Guard pilot, hijacked a cruiser and blasted a whole fleet?"
"GET OUT OF MY VISUAL DIARY, FLY!"
"Ha, ha, honestly, I'm surprised you didn't get the death penalty."
"Shut up. Ugh. Lesson learned, if you want to piss off a whole government, just take out ninety-two star cruisers and a small, family-owned Mexican restaurant. Sorry. The good news is I only have a weak left to my sentence onboard this pathetic rat's nest! And, send! She's going to respond this time, HUE and Fly."
"There is a high probability she will not," HUE said.
"Yeah, she would have responded years ago," Fly pointed out.
"But if there's still a low probability that she will, I'll take it," Gary said with a confident smirk. "NAILED IT!"
Gary and Fly got into their space suits and grabbed their tools. "There are still four arrays to be repaired," HUE said in the communicators.
"On it," said Fly, bored.
"Get off my cheeks, HUE," Gary said as he and Fly floated to the solar array.
"Get off my cheeks, Gary."
"Bt29C is back in line," Fly said as she put the tools back on her belt and closed the panel.
Gary wiped the helmet like he was wiping sweat off his forehead. "HUE, by any chance, is it still Thursday?"
"It's been Thursday for the last seventy-two hours."
"Time differences in space are more confusing than the ones on Earth," Fly said, shaking her head.
"Sweet," said Gary. "Then it's still on." He pressed a button on the panel and a hologram Spanish romantic action hero movie began playing.
"Gary, your break is over," reminded HUE.
"But the guy who killed Eduardo Talipacina's father hasn't prepared to die yet!"
Fly glanced at him. "You understand what they're saying?"
"Hell no."
"Then how do you know what they're saying?"
"There are translators in your communicators," HUE said.
"Oh."
"Dang, there's a pixel on the loose," said Gary.
"What pixel?" asked Fly. She looked up to see something glowing moving up and down rapidly. "Uh, Gary? That's not a pixel. I think it's coming closer..."
"WHOOOO!" Suddenly, something small, green and round burst through the hologram and latched itself onto Gary's face.
"AAAH! It's eating my face! It's eating my face! It's a face eater!" Fly screamed and tried to hit the green blob with a pipe wrench, but she only hit Gary on the head instead. "OW!" BANG! "STOP!" BANG! "HITTING!" BANG! "ME!"
Fly went red in the face and hid the wrench behind her back. "Oops."
"Wait," said Gary, pulling the creature off him. "You're not a face eater. You're a face hugger!"
"AHH, IT LAID EGGS IN YOU!" screamed Fly and tried to attack it again.
"Chookity-pock!" the creature yelped and hid behind Gary.
"Not that kind of face hugger," Gary shouted as he blocked Fly.
She raised an eyebrow as the creature poked its head from behind Gary's shoulder. Her heart instantly melted when she stared into its big innocent eyes. "Oh, you're so cute!"
"Chookity," the creature said.
"I need a face hugger in my life," Gary said.
"Whoo!" the creature said, spinning around Gary and Fly who let out a giggle.
Gary smiled at the creature. "You remind me of a friend I used to have a long time ago. How do you like the name Mooncake?" The creature let out a sound of approval. "Then Mooncake it is. So excited!"
"By the way," Fly said as the three of them floated back to the Galaxy One. "You don't by any chance speak real words, do you?"
"Chookity-pock."
"Works for me," said Gary.
Terra Con Prime Sector 18650
A man was being dragged by the wrist and before being tossed into a throne room. "He's all yours, my Lord Commander," the female armored guard said in a mechanical voice.
The Lord Commander was a being with a small form, a large oval-shaped head and piercing yellow eyes. He smiled, showing off his sharp teeth. "Welcome," he said in a raspy, scratchy voice.
The prisoner took one look at him and started laughing. "You're so tiny, man! Wait 'til the guys here about this!"
"Sit," said the Lord Commander. In an instant, the man found himself bound in a rock with only his head exposed. The Lord Commander floated up to him and snarled, "WHERE IS IT?!"
"Wh-What?"
"E-351!"
"I don't know! I would never lie to you, Lord Commander!" The prisoner burst out laughing again. "I'm sorry. It's just that you're so small! Ha, ha!" The next thing the prisoner knew, he was ripped out of the rock, flung into the air and slammed onto the ground. He was experiencing the Lord Commander's telepathic wrath in full force.
"Where did you find it," the Lord Commander growled as he showed a holographic image of a round, green blob with big eyes, a pair of antennae and two stumpy limbs.
"I didn't! It found me!"
Galaxy One
Gary and Fly ran into the former's room. "The less HUE, who between us is a bit of a dick-wad, knows about you the better," the former whispered to Mooncake.
"Why are we whispering?" Fly asked.
"Okay, let's get you in here." He placed the little green blob into his closet. "You ready?"
"Chookity."
Gary tried to close the door, but no matter how hard he tried, Mooncake was just too big for it to close all the way. Every time he tried, Mooncake let out a squeak like a rubber bath toy would. He tried a little harder, but the door wouldn't budge. Finally he gave up. "Okay, that's not working." Next, he placed Mooncake under his mattress. "I hid there sometimes. I'm like a mattress ghost. Don't tell anyone."
"Too late," said Fly.
At that moment, Gary realized Fly was also here. "Damn it. It sucks. Why does it suck so hard? Okay, how about this?" He placed Mooncake on the counter and pulled out a pair of underwear from one of its drawers. "Sometimes, I like to hide from myself by putting underwear on the circumference on my head." He placed the underwear on Mooncake. "How about that? How does it feel?"
"Chookity."
"Perfect! What do you think, Fly?"
Fly just took one look at Mooncake and giggled again. "I'm sorry! He's just too cute! Wait, are you a he or a she?"
"Chookity."
"He it is."
Terra Con Prime
The prisoner screamed as the Lord Commander continued to torture him, using his telepathy to twist and bend him in awkward angles. "Please," he begged. "Don't...kill...me..." SNAP!
The Lord Commander just sniggered. "Wouldn't think of it. That would be rude." He turned to a large, chained beast. "Eat." As the beast devoured the corpse, the Lord Commander turned to the female armored guard. "Oh, and Cetus?"
"Yes?"
"Send word to the bounty hunters. I want E-351 found. Immediately."
"With pleasure, my Lord Commander," Cetus said with a bow.
Galaxy One
"What's going on, HUE?!" Fly shouted as she and her companions raced into the commissary. "Why's the emergency light activated?!"
"And why is the ship turning into a silent dance rave," Gary asked, a little annoyed.
"Four unknown vessels are descending upon our location," HUE said. "The markings lead me to believe they are Ventrexian bounty hunters." Mooncake, who was hiding in Gary's backpack, shivered.
"Twist my nipples rough," Gary said with excitement. "We're talking complex life forms! YES! HUE, you must find out if they play cards! I need this! I NEED THIS, HUE! I... I really need somebody besides Fly to play with."
"Hey!"
Suddenly, they heard a drilling sound coming from the roof. "They're in the mess hall!" shouted Fly.
"Activating security protocol," said HUE.
Gary tried to leave the room, but the door slammed in his face. He tried to open it, but it wouldn't budge. "HUE, what the crap?!"
"For your own safety, you must remain in the commissary."
"For my own safety?! We get our first space visitors in five years and I can't mingle with them?! HUE, open this door right now! I need to mingle!"
"What am I, chopped liver?" asked Fly. "What's wrong with mingling with me?"
"You're boring!"
Fly sat on a chair. "I am hurt, man."
"HUE, open this door right now!"
"I am sorry, Gary. I'm afraid I can't do that."
"You better afraid me up an open door."
"Ooh, let KVN help," the annoying robot announced, much to Gary and Fly's great displeasure.
"Would you not do that you piece of scrap," Fly shouted. "Don't sneak up on me like that!"
"Don't worry, I am helping." KVN opened the door and made a "Ta-Da!" gesture.
Gary laughed. "Oh, KVN! You did something right!" He was about to leave when the door slammed in his face. "KVN! You worthless, horrendous nest of twigs!"
Suddenly, a message played on the hologram projector. "Your vessel has been subjected to a search for Specimen E-351," a raspy voice said. An image of Mooncake appeared. "Come forward or die," said the voice.
"Who the freak is this guy?" asked Gary.
"I believe they want the alien hiding in your backpack," said HUE.
"What alien," Fly asked nervously. "There's no alien." Mooncake's antennae popped out from the pack. "Not helping, squishy."
"Oh, you mean my underpants caddy," Gary said, still trying to play innocent. Mooncake popped out of the backpack and floated around him.
"Yes. We should comply with their wishes, Gary," said HUE.
"NO!" Fly shouted. "We're not getting rid of him!" Mooncake snuggled up to her. "Please get rid of this," she snatched the underwear off his head.
"Yeah, HUE, I'm starting to like the little guy! He gives great hugs." Mooncake gave Gary a hug.
"Gary, Fly, we are not equipped to face this threat. This is not our fight."
"HUE, we'll make it our fight," insisted Gary. "You're in the Infinity Guard, your motto is to protect life!"
"Is that life, Gary?"
"It's breathing isn't it?" asked Fly, outraged. "Get us out of here! Lightfold this ship!"
The room shook. The two criminals looked out the door's window to see the bounty hunters coming toward them.
"This will lengthen your sentences," HUE said.
"I get it! Lightfold the ship, HUE!"
"Gary..."
"LIGHTFOLD THE SHIP!" screamed Fly.
There was a huge boom. The ship flew through a lightspeed tunnel before coming to a stop at a moon. "Uh, HUE, too close," said Fly. "We're coming in too close!"
"Proximity alert, proximity alert, proximity alert..."
Gary looked out the window and gasped at what he saw. "Is that what I think it is?" Indeed it was: a bunch of asteroids heading straight for them. "Not good! Get us out of here! Lightfold again! Lightfold!"
"We are immobilized until the lightfold engines cool. The asteroids will reach the ship in twenty-nine seconds," said HUE. "Secure your helmets."
"Then we might want to run," said Fly, grabbing Gary. "We left our helmets back at the airlock!" The two took off running with Mooncake following.
"Fifteen seconds," droned HUE. "At your current pace, you will not make it in time."
"Oh, yes we will," said Gary.
Suddenly, KVN appeared out of nowhere. "Hey, guys, you got a minute?"
"Shut up, KVN," Fly shouted, kicking him away.
"Gary, two seconds." said HUE.
"Gonna live, gonna live," Gary shouted as he and Fly put on their helmets just in time before the asteroids burst through the walls and they were sucked out of the Galaxy One.
"We're going to die," screamed Fly. "We're going to die!"
"Gary, Fly, you may have a problem," said Hue in the communicator.
"Seriously, HUE?! We are WAAAAY past beyond the point of 'May have'!"
"Due to the moon's gravity, the asteroid field will swing back to the Galaxy 1 and then at you in approximately 39 seconds."
"That's not good," said Gary. "Formulate me up some solutions."
HUE did some thinking and humming before saying, "Gary, Fly, I do have a solution with a 33% chance of success."
"Well, let's hear it!" shouted Fly.
"Perform an emergency air blow-out of your O2 tanks. If you can enter the moon's orbit, you might be able to sling-hook around it back to the Galaxy One."
"Alright," said Gary. "Alright let's do this."
"Gary, there is a slight problem. Fly will be able to make it with no trouble, but you should know, this calculation will only work with you. You will have to leave the life-form behind."
Gary looked down at the little green blob who looked back at with with wide and afraid eyes. "Mooncake?"
"Or there is zero probability you will make it back to the Galaxy One alive."
"I get it. I'll scream at you. Mooncake is coming with," Gary said in frustration.
"You will never make it, Gary. Your only chance is to perform this maneuver alone."
"HUE, your lack of confidence is positively depressing! Fly, I'll meet you back at the ship."
"Gary..." Fly said sadly.
"Blowing the air tank in three..."
"Gary, please," pleaded HUE.
"Two..."
"You will fail."
"You're right. I will fail...upwards."
"What does that mean?!" shouted Fly.
On cue, the air tanks blew out and sent the two prisoners flying. "Entering into moon's orbit," said HUE.
Suddenly, Fly realized she was in the lead while Gary was lagging behind. "Gary!" She landed back in the airlock and looked out. "Hurry!"
"At your current rate of velocity, you will not make it back to the Galaxy One. You have failed, Gary. The asteroids will make impact in five seconds." A shadow loomed across Fly as she saw the asteroids coming closer. "Four...three...two..." She closed her eyes and braced for impact. "One..." Suddenly, there was a green flash of light. Fly opened her eyes to see Mooncake shooting a green laser from his mouth and eyes, destroying the asteroids.
"What the...?" was all she said. She watched as Mooncake grabbed onto Gary and pulled him all the way back to the ship. She grabbed Gary into her arms and rushed all the way back to the medical bay. "Get me an oxygen tank, NOW!"
When Gary opened his eyes, he found himself surrounded by the SAMES security drones, Fly, Mooncake and no one else important. Ugh, fine. Even KVN was there.
"It worked," Gary laughed and did a dance. KVN tried to join in but was slapped away. "And you said I could die! Ha!"
"You were dead - for five minutes," said Fly.
"Are you for serious?"
"You were. Mooncake saved your life."
The little green blob flew up to Gary and did a flip. "Chookity, chookity," he said.
"Thank you for saving my life," Gary said. The two fist bumped.
"I am detecting one unknown life-form still aboard," said HUE. "He is armed."
"What deck?" asked Fly.
"4A. Sames are already on route."
The two prisoners went down the hall and found the door to Deck 4A. Gary opened the door and was greeted with a gun pointing in his face. "Hand over E-351," the gun's owner said. It was a male feline-like alien with black and white fur.
"Listen, buddy, I only have one thing to say to you," Gary said seriously. "Do you play cards?"
Fly was aghast. "Seriously?!"
The cat man dropped his gun and held up his hands.
"I'm gonna take that as a yes!"
"Or maybe it's because of them," Fly said, pointing to the army of SAMEs behind them, pointing their guns at the cat man.
Gary was surprised to see them all so close, especially the one he named Hank. "Oh, good Lord! Oh, my gosh. Just don't walk up on somebody like that, Hank! I'm gonna crap my pants. I thought you were a baby ghost or a ghost baby or something in between the ghost baby spectrum."
"You're an idiot," Fly said.
"Freeze," Hank shouted again.
"AAAH! Fecking crap, Hank!"
Later, a bound cat man was playing cards against his will with Gary and KVN in the commissary. Fly made sure to have a gun pointed at his head while he played.
"Isn't this great? I mean, just us guys sitting here, chillin', playin' cards."
The cat man tried to respond, but since he had the cards in his mouth, all he could do was mumble.
"You really know how to sling the zingers, cat guy."
The cat man spat his cards out and said, "My name is Avocato."
"No. The name is LOSER! EAT it! Four of a kind!"
Avocato glanced at Mooncake. "You're oblivious to this thing, aren't you?
"What?"
"That."
"This?"
"Yes! That."
"Mooncake?"
"What's a Mooncake?"
"This!"
"That?"
"Yes, that."
"Alright, shut up, both of you," snapped Fly. She turned to Avocato. "What is your deal, cat man? Why do you want this cute, squishy blob?" She gave Mooncake a hug and tickled him.
Avocato made a laugh. "That 'cute, squishy blob' is a planet-killer."
Gary paused, then he burst out laughing. "Freakin' guy thinks Mooncake is a planet-killer! What a freakin' - oh, man!" KVN laughed with him. "Shut your face hole, KVN! Crap."
"So you think this is funny," asked Avocato. "I'm serious."
Fly leaned in closer. "Are you?"
"Yes. The Lord Commander is searching the galaxy for it. You can't hide. Wherever you go, he'll find you."
"Why should I believe you, Mr. Whiskers?" Gary asked as he tugged on Avocato's whiskers.
"Call me that again, and I'll kill you."
"Mm-hmm. I've insulted you." Gary backed off a little. "You see, the truth is, I've never socialized with a cat man before. My neighbor had a cat. Loved to lick himself. You're not gonna do that, right? Otherwise, we're gonna have problems, friend."
"I'm not a cat," snapped Avocato. "I'm a Ventrexian."
"Got it. See, I'm a Presbyterian myself. But I love all people. Just how I was raised."
"Probably raised in a barn," chuckled Fly.
"We're in danger," Avocato tried to say. "Listen, all of us are in danger!"
"Yeah, you're boring me now," Fly said and she stuffed a ball of yarn into his mouth. "Go chew on this."
Gary held Mooncake close. "Mooncake, look into Gary's gelatinous marbles. As long as I draw breath and you provide me with copious amounts of adventure, I will be there for you. We're a team now. And I'll let you be my sidekick and such with a super side order of what-not."
Fly sniffled. "That was beautiful."
"Well said," HUE congratulated as he opened the vending machine.
Gary gasped. "A cookie - for me?!"
"Yes, Gary. Take one. You displayed a quality I hadn't seen in you previously - courage. Exemplary. You earned it."
"And because I am the captain," Gary said as he took a cookie.
"Cookie withdrawn."
The door slammed on Gary's fingers. "AAAHHH!" But he was not about to give up. "The penitent man shall pass," he said in a low whisper as he carefully slid the cookie out. "I got one! Sweet Grandor's glove, I got a mother-loving cookie!"
"This is a cookie, Quinn. HUE said I earned it because I did things, Quinn. Dangerous things. Cookie-earning things. Now to eat the fruits of my greatness."
"Mine!
"What? No! KVN! Oh, KVN!"
That night...I think, it's hard to tell when you're in space. Gary was fast asleep with little Mooncake hovering above his head. He pulled the blankets over Gary before setting down next to him. Suddenly, KVN came into the room with a marker. "Gary? Gary? Gary?! Gary? Gary. Gary! Gary, are you sleeping?"
Mooncake awoke and got in the robot's face. "Wah-pah!"
KVN backed off. "Oh, okay. We're good. Don't mind me. I'm - I'm just floating this way. This is the way I like to go. Bye! This was my plan."
What Mooncake didn't know was that KVN had already started drawing on Gary's face.
In her own room, Fly was recounting what had happened. "So, we go on a repair trip, meet a cute little blob with incredible powers and now we have a kitty bounty hunter in the brig. Seems legit."
"Chookity?"
Mooncake flew over to her and hovered above her head. "Oh. It's you," said Fly. "Guess you're wondering if I'm okay."
"Chookity-pock."
"Well, I am. A bit shaken but not stirred." Mooncake cuddled up to her. "Alright, alright. Why don't you go back to Gary? He seems to like you more."
"Chookity." Mooncake flew away, leaving her alone. She sighed sadly. "I sure could use a face hugger."
THe Lord Commander smiled wickedly as he looked out the window. "All the pieces are in place. Let's play a little..."