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Everything about this felt weird. But, fuck, this day had been like a terrible dream already, so Mark supposed that one more bizarre thing happening was nothing, for the record. And that one… wasn't this bad, he supposed.
"Damn it. Is anything here where it used to be? I could've sworn mugs used to be here."
Benny occupying the kitchen in their- that is, Mark's apartment, sure felt like a odd sight. Him and Mimi staying for a coffee wasn't something that Mark had planned — but after Mimi had almost passed out once Roger had left, Mark insisted they just… sat down for a moment, even if just to take a deep breath and try to find at least a small fraction of peace in the hurricane of emotions all of them just went through. Let themselves process everything that had happened in the span of the last couple of days.
So here they were. Benny in his kitchen, Mimi on his couch. It's like a mosaic of the past and the present; pieces of polaroids of two different eras of Mark's life, glued together by the new-found void of his world caving in.
Mark looked back up from the notebook he'd been flipping through.
"Uh, they're in the cabinet closest to the window, now. Coffee and tea should be next to the fridge."
Benny hummed in agreement. What a weird sight it was seeing him there, placing mugs on the counter while the water boiled; like a snapshot from a different time. When things were… not perfect, never perfect, but easier. Seeing Benny in the kitchen made him feel like Maureen was about to burst in through the door, declaring she just had the best idea for an event so far — which would get a sarcastic comment out of Roger, which would get a laugh from Collins, which would lead to a discussion that probably would've been pointless, but entertaining nonetheless; one that Mark would've listened to with a smile on his face.
But that was a different time. Now, the apartment is drowning in this weird silence; the thick void of things unspoken filling in the empty spaces where Roger's things had been yesterday.
Roger was gone. He started the drive to Santa Fe just over half an hour ago, and Mark already missed him so bad that he wanted to scream. He was trying to get himself together for the appointment with Alexi: gathering his notes, packing his bag. Everything felt out of place, even though he knew all of his things were just where he left them; but it was the lack of things usually surrounding them that made everything feel distorted, as if Mark was looking at the apartment through a piece of weirdly-shaped glass. It was wrong for it to be so empty. It was wrong that there weren't any signs of Roger's presence anymore.
He felt lost in his own living room.
In a way, he was almost grateful for the fact that Benny and Mimi had to stay — as bad as it sounded, considering the main reason why they did was Mimi being so shaken up she could barely walk — but their presence filled the empty spaces, even if oddly, even if awkwardly. Mark glanced back to Mimi every now and then, as he was looking around: she regained some color in her face, but her expression still remained so terribly blank that it made his heart clench. He missed her smile; but, right now, he couldn't even think of anything to say to lighten the mood. And- and he needed to gather his notes and go, anyway. He was constantly moving, flipping over pages, shoving things into his bag, walking around. It felt like it was the only way to stay sane.
There was a piece of Mark that screamed at him to sit down next to Mimi, still; take a second to breathe. That it wouldn't hurt, to have a moment for himself. But he didn't exactly have the time- or maybe he was scared to face whatever would happen if he'd stop for even a second.
"And sugar is…?"
Mark blinked. Another small notebook landed in his bag, as he tried to process all too much information at once.
"Check the counter in the corner. We might've run out, though."
We. As if there still was a we.
Mark turned away, trying to jog his memory and think if there was anything else he needed to pack. As difficult as it was to get through everything today, he was almost thankful for the job to be there to keep him grounded. The more time he had before he had to try and wrap his head around everything that had happened — the better. Even when in the back of his mind, all the emotions swirling and twisting and melting together were too much: the thought of letting them flood him with nothing else to hold on to was… overwhelming. As shit as the deal with Buzzline seemed, an anchor was still an anchor. And he sure as hell knew that if he let go, he would drown.
"It's like everything's backwards here, now. Almost feels like you just rearranged everything out of spite."
In Benny's tone, Mark felt the weak attempt at making a joke; a dry one, but still, an effort. If Roger were here, he'd probably spit out something about not everything revolving around Benny. Roger wasn't there, though. Mark let out a small huff.
"I mean, it's been forever since you've been here."
It really was a different time back then. Back then, Benny wouldn't have worn a suit that expensive; even with his jacket cast aside and tie loosened, this still was Benny-the-landlord, not Benny-their-roommate. The distinction was made a long time ago, and messing with this line felt like a bit too much for Mark's poor head at the moment. But, whenever he caught the grim look in Benny's eyes, a thought passed his mind that maybe, things were left unsaid on both sides. And as much as he'd been hurt, maybe the situation was less cut-and-dried than he thought.
Or, fuck, maybe he just wanted to cling to the only person cohesive that was here without the twist of disgust and-slash-or guilt in his gut.
There was a minute of silence. There seemed to be a lot of silence in general; not the good, comfortable kind, gently interrupted by Roger's strumming on the guitar or flipping through the newspaper. A suffocating kind, as Mark still scrambled around the place, Benny busied around the kitchen, and Mimi stared blankly at the wall, cheeks still wet with tears.
Benny eventually put the three mugs on the coffee table.
"I hope that at least the way you take your coffee didn't change?" Benny asked, but his tone still sounded a bit weird. "Sugar, and only a bit of milk?"
Only then did Mark finally put down the bag and actually sat down, trying to force a smile. He supposed it was more of a grimace, when he reached for the coffee.
"Yeah, it is. Thanks." He tried to take a sip, but his face twisted as soon as the hot drink touched his tongue. "Shit- it's scalding."
"Obviously." There was almost an amused expression on Benny's face- Or a shadow of it, anyway. "I literally just made it, so you should-" Mark took another sip, ignoring the temperature. Benny sighed. "Or just ignore it. Sure."
"Sorry, I don't really have time to sit around for long." He sent a glance at the clock. Minutes ticked by, and he was already late, he knew, but- He didn't have it in him to just storm off now. Besides, he really needed the caffeine boost.
"What's the rush, anyway?" Benny asked, if just to break the uncomfortable atmosphere that settled in the loft. "I didn't think you'd have plans for… today."
Mark swallowed another scalding sip. Maybe the numbing sensation was good for him after all. The shock of the hot coffee in his mouth at least was a slap to his senses that he couldn't escape from; something reminding him that he was here, now, that this was the reality. He didn't want it to be — it was the last thing he wanted, actually — but the reminder stopped his thoughts from wandering too far into processing the last twenty-four hours, forcing him into this second. For a moment, erased the painful images from his mind; muted the echoes of the screams still drilling in his brain.
He supposed he'd grown awfully quiet, because the look of concern on Benny's face only grew. Mark quickly cleared his throat, stumbling over his words a bit as he responded.
"I- I guess you might've not heard. I took that job at Buzzline- I have an appointment." Another painful sip of coffee. Still less painful then whatever was happening in his brain. "I… couldn't really postpone it."
Mimi barely reacted at his words. Mark wasn't sure if she was listening to the conversation at all; she seemed to be far away, lost in her thoughts. A part of him wanted to try to shake her out of it; but the embarrassment that washed over him at the confession of taking the job made him feel like it was better that she didn't really hear it. After all the jokes they'd shared about it, about Alexi calling over and over — after they'd ridiculed the idea of selling out, selling his soul — this felt just… like he'd lost. Like he, too, gave up something sacred. This was not where they were supposed to end up.
None of them really ended up where they were supposed to, Mark guessed.
Benny gave him his best attempt at a weak smile.
"That's… good? Aren't you excited, to do what you want to do and get paid?"
The answer was no, because it wouldn't really be what Mark wanted to do, right? He would just be a vessel to a company of which ideals he couldn't agree with. Not that it was something Benny would understand, anyway.
Mark also was way too tired to argue.
"I'll… see what the job will bring, I guess."
A few more minutes dragged out. It was quiet; it was empty. Mark felt like it might just suffocate him. Benny clearly didn't know what to say; Mark couldn't find the words; Mimi was just there. At least she took the cup of tea into her hands.
It was like the silence was screaming at him, because usually, someone would've filled it by now. Maureen, Collins. Angel. God, Angel-
He downed the coffee cup to the last drop. His throat burned.
"I've got to get going, but- Well, thanks for the coffee." He swung the bag over his shoulder. "And take your time- There's no rush for you to leave. You know where to leave the key."
Only as he moved away from the couch, Mimi seemed to flinch back into reality for the first time since saying goodbye to Roger. Before he knew it, her mug was on the coffee table, as she was standing up and hugging him with all her might. No words. Just a tight embrace that screamed volumes.
It really took everything in Mark not to get teary-eyed again. He'd already fallen apart too much.
His arms wrapped around her, and he tried not to think just how fragile the girl felt beneath his touch — how thin she'd gotten lately, just like Angel before she-
His eyes were wet. Mimi squeezed him harder.
"Goodbye, Mark."
Deep breath in, deep breath out. Get yourself together, damn it.
"We'll see each other again." It tasted like a lie on his tongue, even though he wanted to believe it with all his might. Mimi's running out of time, he'd told Roger less than an hour ago. "So it's not goodbye, more- More see you later, right?"
He felt her huff out a small laugh — it wasn't much, but he supposed it was better than nothing. When she moved away, he could clearly see that fresh tears were shining in her eyes.
"Right." She echoed, and as grim as her smile still felt, and as dim as her usually bright eyes were, Mark tried to believe it was genuine. "See you, Mark."
"See you, Mimi." He nodded of to Benny. "Bye."
And he trolled towards the door, before he really could hear an answer. His head was already somewhere else- if it stayed in that moment, he would've gone crazy. Thinking about Mimi, about Roger, about Angel- It was fucking insane how over one week, or maybe even one day, the thought of almost every single person that used to bring him comfort changed into sending a terrible pang through his chest, making him feel like he was endlessly falling and might never hit the ground. All his best memories now tainted with the bitter aftertaste of the most recent events, momentarily stripped of any hope or joy they might've brought.
Barely two weeks ago, Angel cracked a joke at which he laughed so hard he almost forgot that they were in the hospital. A week ago, Mimi and him got into a ridiculous debate about a movie that made him forget about everything that had been happening. Just yesterday, Roger's faint humming was there to ground him when he felt the world was falling apart.
Now he shut the door to his apartment. Now, he was alone. Now, there were tears in his eyes, and a lump in his throat, and he was shaking, and he couldn't feel his tongue, and he gripped harder on the strap of his bag, because he needed to focus, because he had the appointment, because- because-
"Mark, wait-"
He didn't notice that the door to the apartment opened yet again after he left; he flinched at Benny's voice, whipping around.
They stared at each other in weird silence. Mark tried to calm his racing heart and racing thoughts; Benny seemed disrupted himself, swallowing hard as he straightened; fixing the cuffs of his sleeves in a nervous manner.
"I… I know you're in a rush, but- Because of everything we barely had a chance to talk. And I… I wanted to check in with you, too." He said quietly, trying to steady himself. "Ask if you're alright. Though it's… probably not the best question to ask, right now."
Mark tried to smile. It was probably more of a grimace. "…You don't say, huh."
Benny hesitated again; eventually, let out a sigh.
"It's weird to see this place so empty." He said, and though it was on Mark's mind constantly, it still felt weird to hear it said out loud. "It might be because I still remember everyone's junk being here, but… I don't know. I just…" His voice trials away. "…you'll manage on your own, right?"
There's something in Mark that made him clench his jaw at the question. After the hell that had been the past two years, he dared to come and ask if-
"I'm not a child, Benny- I've been through worse. I'm not the one you should worry about right now." He ended up saying, sharply, maybe a bit too sharply, but… he was just so tired. "Worry about Mimi, she- she needs you. If you really care, check in on Collins. I'll be fine."
He had no idea what Benny was thinking. There used to be a time where they all could pretty much read each others minds as if they were books, but they closed this particular chapter a long time ago. Mark couldn't tell why it hurt so much, all of the sudden- though maybe it was just the awareness that too many chapters had been suddenly coming to an end, lately.
Benny crossed his arms, before he finally answered.
"Listen. I know that I've fucked up a lot- That you feel like I screwed you over. I don't know if we're even friends anymore." He admitted. There was another beat of silence. "And, uh… I suppose you have other people for that. Maureen. Collins. But- If it ever gets… If you get lonely- Give me a call, alright?" A smile doesn't quite reach his eyes. "I won't bite."
Mark huffed. "You sure about that?"
Benny's chuckle was still stripped of humor, as he gently shook his head, but Mark guessed there really weren't any ill intentions behind his eyes. He felt his shoulders slightly drop, as his friend continued to give him his best attempt of a warm smile.
"Positive. And I'll… I'll call, too, after I drop Mimi off. I'll make sure she's in good hands."
Mark raised his eyebrows slightly.
"You'd better." Another beat of silence passed. It felt as if something shifted in the air, though; it was still weird, still uncomfortable, but at the same time… something clicked into place. It was a start, at least. "…I really need to go, but… thanks, Benny."
He got a slight nod in response.
"Take care, Mark."
And he disappeared back into the apartment. Mark let out a sigh, fixing up his bag once again, and went for the stairs.
He should not think about any of it for now. Now, he had an appointment to go to, and maybe he'd try to make sense out of his life later.