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There was a quiet stillness to the circus at night. Usually during the day, the freakishly saturated colors and abundance of sound would attack Zooble's senses, leaving them with a throbbing pain in their head. But during the night, all of that chaos seemed to disappear. There were none of Caine's torturous adventures, none of Jax's snarky remarks or crude humor. Just peace and quiet. It was like a wave washing over Zooble, dragging away the tension in their head. They laid in their bed, attaching and reattaching their arms like they were a broken kid's toy. Despite the many years that had gone by, Zooble felt a sinking feeling in their stomach every time they looked at themselves in the mirror. It was as if a stranger was staring back at them. The detachable limbs, the misshapen eyes, the angular shape of their head. None of it was theirs. Zooble tried to avoid mirrors these days. They didn't want to have to look at their misshapen form and feel that familiar sickness settle in their stomach. Zooble hoped that someday someone could find the exit of the place. They knew it was a false hope, but the thought of being in their true body again kept that feeling alive.
Zooble sighed as they reattached their arm for the last time and stared at the ceiling. Darkness engulfed their room as a yellow light poured through the cracks of their door. They closed their eyes and tried to focus on the stillness that filled their room, hoping that it would lull them back to sleep. Zooble could feel the tension leave their limbs. Their muscles slowly started to relax. Just as they could feel themselves on the edge of sleep, there was a firm knock on the door. Zooble jolted up from their bed and stared at the door. A shadow blocked the light coming from underneath it. They groaned as they dragged themselves out of bed whilst rubbing their eyes. Who the hell was knocking on their door this late at night? Was it another one of Jax's pranks? If it were, then they might actually punch him this time. Zooble slowly opened the door and peeked outside. Gangle stood before them, her ribbon arms wrapped around her shoulders as tears ran down her face.
Zooble opened the door fully. "Gangle, what are you doing here?"
Gangle sniffed as she wiped away her tears. "I'm sorry Zooble I just… I just had a really bad nightmare."
Zooble sighed. "You don't need to apologize Gangle, it happens to the best of us."
"Yeah, but this time… I don't know. It was different. I tried going back to sleep but… It's not working. I was wondering… Can I stay here? I don't mean to intrude on anything. It's just… I want someone to talk to."
Gangle stood there with her head downtrodden, as if her very presence was some type of burden to Zooble. She wiped more tears from her face as she shuffled anxiously. Seeing her so distraught caused Zooble's chest to tighten. Gangle was sad most of the time, but this time was different.
Zooble gently took Gangle's hand and pulled her into their room. "Of course you can talk to me, Gangle."
Gangle let out a weak laugh. "Thank you, Zooble."
Her face slowly lit up with a soft smile, and Zooble felt a warmth radiate in their chest. Gangle slowly shut the door and tightened her grip on Zooble's hand. Both of them sat down at the edge of the bed. The heat of Gangle's hand lingered on Zooble's skin, making their stomach churn. Their heartbeat drummed repeatedly against their eardrums. Zooble had held hands with Gangle so many times. So why did it feel so… different? They shook their head. What the hell were they thinking? Gangle wanted someone to talk to. Yet here they were thinking about what would happen if they ran their hand across her face and wiped those tears away. Would she grace them with her smile again?
"So… what happened?" asked Zooble.
"Well… It's a lot. If I were to try explaining it to you, we'd be here for a while."
Zooble chuckled. "Trust me, I think we have more than enough time to spare in this place."
"I guess you're right," chuckled Gangle. "But I'd have to tell you about my past too..."
"Hey, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."
Gangle turned towards Zooble. "No… It's about time I told you."
"Well, I'm all ears."
Gangle took a deep breath and exhaled shakily. "Before I joined the circus, I worked as a shift manager for a fast-food restaurant. It was… an okay job, I guess. Not what I wanted to do with my life, but it paid the bills. In the nightmare I had, I was working as I usually did. Just making sure all the workers were doing their jobs right, setting up the restaurant, helping customers, all that boring management stuff. But then they started complaining about the service at the restaurant, and how if I were of any worth, the place would actually be succeeding and people would like me. Their voices started getting so loud, and I could feel a sharp pain in my ears, almost like they were splitting apart."
Gangle sniffed and wiped her tears. " I-I tried so hard to tell them I was sorry, but they just… They just screamed at me about how worthless I was. How, if I had any respect for them, then I should just… end myself.
Zooble winced and gripped Gangle's hand tighter. "Gangle, that's…"
"Messed up? Yeah, I know. But then it just got worse. Slowly, the building started to fall apart. The walls cracked, and the windows shattered. Shards of glass and debris started flying all over the place, and yet the customers still wouldn't stop. In the blink of an eye, everything was in flames. I could feel the smoke burning my lungs. My eyes started watering, and everything became so blurry that I could barely see my own hands. And then…"
"Then what?" asked Zooble.
"Well… I saw my parents."
Zooble's eyes widened. "Your parents?! But… I thought you couldn't remember them?"
"I thought so too. But… they were there. I don't get why out of all the memories I had to gain back, it had to be of them," scowled Gangle.
"It's not something we can control, I'm afraid. Anyways… What happened?"
Gangle exhaled shakily. "It was an old memory from back when I was a teen, I think. I was practicing my drawing skills so that I could get good enough to get a scholarship into a fancy university. That way I could finally prove that I could go through with the dream I had. Even though it was my designated study time, I thought I could sneak in some time to work on my art. But then, my mom barged into my room and saw what I was doing. Then she just… glared at me. Like seeing what I was doing made her want to throw me out. She grabbed the paper from hands and started shouting at me about how I was wasting my life with this art nonsense, and how much of a burden it was to have to look after a child like me. Someone who could barely walk out of the house without panicking, or pass a test without barely scraping by. She told me that if I ever wanted to be worth something, then I should quit being useless and actually prove to her that I was worth having. Then she shut the door, and I just… sat there. I thought I would burst into tears like I usually did, but it was like there was nothing left in me. I was too tired to care at that point. Nothing I ever did was ever enough. Not for my parents, not for the universities, and not for me. Because… no matter how hard I tried, I would always be stuck with myself. That was the hardest part of all of this. Then I got up from my desk and looked in the mirror. My reflection… It was this big black figure with jagged edges, and eyes all around it. It was me, Zooble. I had… abstracted. And then I woke up."
Gangle sniffed. "Sorry, that was… a lot."
Zooble stared at her in disbelief. Their chest ached as they saw Gangle wipe her tears. They knew that Gangle's life before entering the circus was bad, but they never imagined this. Zooble felt like punching that woman in the face for she did to Gangle. They couldn't fathom how anyone could ever say that to their child, especially someone as amazing as Gangle. If only she could see herself how Zooble saw her. Kind, sensitive, and sweet Gangle, who was always there for them. Then maybe it wouldn't be so hard for her to feel the love that she deserved. Zooble let go of Gangle's hand and rested their hand on her shoulder. Slowly, they began to stroke her back. Gangle's eyes softened as she gazed into their eyes and smiled weakly.
"Gangle I… I'm so sorry you had to go through that," said Zooble.
Gangle sniffled. "It's okay. Honestly, I don't even know why I was so affected by it. It happened so long ago. So why does it still feel so fresh in my mind? I should be over it by now. I don't… I don't know why I can't just move on already."
"Gangle, what you've gone through… That's not something you can just store in a box and forget about. What your parents said about you… God, I just want to punch them in the face for that. I can't believe they would ever say that to someone as amazing as you."
"But what if they're right? What if I have wasted my life and made a fool of myself" muttered Gangle. "I mean, I couldn't even get into a good university, and I ended up working a dead end job at a fast food joint. Not to mention I'm stuck in this place. Have I ever done anything right in my life at this point?! I know my parents weren't the best, but… I can't help feeling that maybe they were right. Maybe I'll never become anything."
Zooble sighed. "Gangle, you already are something."
Gangle chuckled. "A college dropout?"
Zooble snickered and shook their head. "No Gangle. You're… You're kind. You always show up for me whenever I need someone to talk to. Whenever you're not there, I have all these painful thoughts in my head. But then, as soon as you enter the room, the noise dies down and… The only voice I can seem to pay attention to is yours."
Gangle's face flushed red. "Zooble, you don't have to say that—"
Zooble placed their finger on Gangle's mouth. "Nope, I'm not done yet. You try your best to overcome all of the crazy adventures Caine puts us through. Even though you're terrified the whole time, you push through and still manage to care about others. You don't lash out on anyone, or try psychologically torture them like Jax does. You just… you care. No matter how bad everything gets, you're still there for others. You're still here for me. I don't think you realize this, Gangle, but… It keeps me alive. You keep me alive—"
Zooble's voice got caught in their throat as they looked at Gangle. Her eyes were wide and her mouth lay agape as a crimson blush appeared on her face. Zooble felt their stomach turn. It was as if there were a million words of adoration bubbling up in their throat and threatening to spill out. There was that feeling again. Zooble had no problem complimenting Gangle, yet now, saying what they felt made them want to pass out. Their heartbeat drummed against their chest. Zooble coughed and awkwardly looked away from Gangle.
"I uh… Sorry, that may have been intense. But… I thought you should know. You matter to me, Gangle. You matter to everyone else to. So please, save some of that love you have for others for yourself too. I really…"
I really love you
Zooble shook their head. What the hell were they thinking?! Were they about to confess their love just then? Sure they cared about Gangle, but it wasn't like they were in love with her… right?
"Um Zooble, are you okay?" asked Gangle.
"What, me?! Oh I-I've never been better I just uh… thought of something nice."
Gangle chuckled. "Thank you, Zooble. For what you said it… It means a lot to me."
"Don't mention it."
Gangle sighed. "I wish I were as confident as you are. Then maybe life wouldn't be so hard."
Zooble turned their head down and stared at the floor. Gangle thought of them so highly yet… It was a lie. They weren't the strong and no nonsense person that Gangle thought they were. Zooble could've just stayed quiet, but the darkness filled them with the urge to open up.
"I… I'm not the person you think I am," said Zooble.
Gangle raised her eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
Zooble sighed. "I'm not this confident, no bullshit person who breezes through life with ease. I… I'm not as good as you think."
"But, you barely get affected by the things that happen to us."
Zooble rubbed their head."That's not true. Sometimes… sometimes I don't feel like this body is mine. Like, I know I've lived in it for years, but every time I stare into the mirror… I feel sick, Gangle. It's like an imposter is staring back at me. Sorry, I just sprang all that onto you right now. I—"
"No, keep going!" exclaimed Gangle. "You've listened to me cry about a thousand times by now. Whatever you need, Zooble, I'll be there for you."
Gangle placed her arm on Zooble's shoulder as a gentle smile appeared on her face. Zooble placed their hand on Gangle's, the warmth of her hand radiating onto their skin.
"Thanks, Gangle," said Zooble. They cleared their throat. "Well… This body. I know it has it quirks. I mean, having detachable limbs can be pretty useful in Caine's adventures. But this?" Zooble raised their arm and pulled it out of its socket. "This isn't me. This isn't human. It's…. It's like I'm a pull apart doll for children, except the one pulling me apart is Caine. I try to stay calm and act like none of this is a big deal, but… Gangle we've been stuck here for years."
Zooble's voice cracked. "Are… are we ever getting out?"
They covered their head in their hands. All at once, the pain they kept inside came spilling out like water bursting out of a dam. It wasn't supposed to be like this. They should have been the collected one. Yet as Zooble lifted their face, tears dropped onto their hands, as the room around them became blurry.
Zooble wiped their tears away. "Sorry, I don't know what just happened—"
Suddenly, Gangle placed her hands around Zooble and pulled them into a hug. Her arms tightened around their frame, pulling their face closer into her shoulder. Zooble's heart thumped against their chest as they sat there in shock. They could have pulled away and told Gangle it was nothing. That their tears were just a result of some irrational fear. But they slowly wrapped their arms around Gangle's thin frame. It was as if their touch would shatter her into pieces if they grabbed too hard. Zooble pulled Gangle in closer, burying their head into her shoulder as more tears threatened to spill out. It had been so long since they had cried. So why was it happening now?
"Oh, Zooble…" cooed Gangle. "I had no idea you were going through all of that for so long. I… I'm sorry I didn't notice any sooner."
Zooble sniffed. "It's fine. I don't know why I'm crying."
"You're crying because you've been holding all this pain in for long. Believe me, I know what that can do to a person. I… I don't know how to solve your problem. If I could, I would take away all that pain from you. But, Zooble, no matter what body you're in… you're still you."
Gangle pulled back from the hug and gently cupped Zooble's face in her hand. Her eyes softened, and if Zooble could have taken a photograph and stored it in her mind for all of time, she would have.
Gangle wiped a tear from Zooble's eye. "No matter what happens, what body you're in or what you go through, you're still the Zooble that I know so well. You're kind, smart, friendly, and you never let anyone walk over you. You always stand up for me whenever I need help. You never let me feel lonely, and… and you make my life worth living. Zooble, you… make me feel like we'll be okay somehow. Maybe right now everything is terrible. But someday it won't be. You made me believe that. We'll get out of here together, Zooble, I promise. Then we can kiss this place goodbye, and you can get back your old body, and I can start over with life."
"But what if we don't get out? What if… we're stuck here forever? Then what do we do?" asked Zooble.
Gangle shook her head. "I won't let you stay here forever, Zooble. There has to be a way out of here, right? Something got us in… so something can get us out. Don't lose hope, Zooble. Holding onto that much stress, it could…" Gangle shuddered. "It could kill you."
Zooble's eyes widened in shock. They placed a hand on Gangle's shoulder. "Gangle, I won't abstract."
Gangle shook her head. "You don't know that Zooble. What happened to Kaufmo… It was because he kept everything inside. It… It destroyed him. I won't let it destroy you too. Please tell me when something is wrong. You've helped me more times than I can count. So let me help you too. I promise I'm not as weak as everyone thinks I am."
Zooble shook their head. 'You're not weak Gangle. For God's sake, you've survived in this place for years without going insane. You're one of the strongest people I know."
"Then talk to me when you feel bad. Please Zooble."
Zooble sighed, a fond expression painting their face. "Okay, I will."
"Promise?" asked Gangle as she stuck out her hand.
Zooble took Gangle's hand. "Promise."
Gangle grinned before pulling Zooble back into a hug, her arms wrapping tightly against their frame. Zooble pulled Gangle in closer and tried to ignore the rapid pulsing of their heart, but to no avail. They had hugged Gangle so many times. Yet tonight it felt different. More… tender. Like if Zooble were to squeeze Gangle any closer, their heart might burst into flames. Yet they felt that if they let go, a part of them would be screaming to pull her back. It made their head dizzy. What had gotten into them? Then it hit Zooble suddenly. A warm sensation blossomed in their chest as they pulled back from Gangle and stared into her eyes. They thought that any affection they may have felt towards anyone would have died by now. But here it was, lingering like a flame that refused to be blown out.
Love. That was it, wasn't it? It seemed so simple, yet it drove Zooble's heart mad. They loved Gangle. There was no other way around it. Such a simple word, but such a tormenting feeling. They had tried to deny it for so long, but it was no use now. There was no freedom from this feeling that refused to let go. Why did this revelation have to come to light now?
Gangle raised her eyebrow as her cheeks turned red. "Um, Zooble, are you alright? You've been staring at me for a while."
"Me?! Uh, yeah, I'm totally fine!" stuttered Zooble. God, did they have to be any more obvious? "I just um… spaced out for a bit."
Gangle chuckled. "It's fine, you just looked a bit scared back there." Gangle looked towards the clock. "Anyways, it's pretty late. I don't want to keep you up more than I already have so… I guess I'll get going."
Gangle stood up to leave, until Zooble grabbed her hand. She turned to Zooble in surprise.
"What if… What if you stayed here?" asked Zooble.
Gangle's face turned a bright crimson. "Um, what?"
Zooble waved their hands around frantically. "Um, sorry that sounded completely wrong! I meant, well, if you want someone to be here, you know, after everything we talked about… I can be there. Not that you have to or anything! I just… It could help us fall asleep…"
God Zooble felt like crawling into a hole and dying. Now they just sounded like a pervert who was trying to get Gangle to sleep in the same bed as them. The thought made their heart nearly burst into flames, but they would never want to pressure her into anything she didn't want.
Gangle turned away for a moment whilst holding her hand over her mouth. Then she turned back.
"Um… sure. I-I wouldn't mind sleeping next to you. If it means helping you, then… Okay."
Zooble's eyes widened. "Are you sure?! I mean you don't have to if you don't want to, I just thought—"
"I want to," interrupted Gangle. "I… I really do."
Zooble tried to swallow the frog in their throat. "Um… Okay. Then let's get to bed."
They clambered into their bed, shuffling the heavy pink blankets that lay on top to make room for Gangle. They tucked themselves underneath the sheets and shuffled aside. Zooble patted the empty space beside her as Gangle slowly made her way to the bed, and crawled underneath the covers. The pillow caved in slightly as she gently rested her head against the pillow and turned to face Zooble.
Gangle cleared her throat, a faint blush still present on her face. "Uh… Goodnight!"
Zooble smiled, their cheeks heating up. "Goodnight, Gangle."
Gangle turned herself towards the ceiling and closed her eyes. Despite her initial nervousness, she fell asleep almost instantly.Eventually Zooble could feel Gangle's head snuggled into their shoulder, which almost caused their heart to explode into a thousand pieces. They tried to close their eyes or pay attention to the clocks. Anything that could get them to sleep. Yet with Gangle beside them all they could pay attention to was the gentle rise and fall of her breathing. She stirred in her sleep and nuzzled closer to Zooble. The warmth of Gangle's skin lingered on their arm, as their heart continued to pound against their chest. Zooble covered their face and groaned. There was no way they were getting any sleep tonight. Gangle slept quietly beside them, and yet all they could notice was how peaceful she looked. Her expression seemed more relaxed and free of the sadness that seemed to plague her every day.
Zooble's heartbeat slowed down as a gentle fondness replaced the panic inside them. They reached out to rest their hand against Gangle's face, the coolness of the mask subsiding the heat of Zooble's skin. They had never been this close to Gangle before. Zooble could still remember the feeling of Gangle's hand cupping their face. It was as if she had let her hand linger too long, then Zooble may have just shattered at the touch. They could feel words of adoration bubbling up to the surface and threatening to spill out of their mouth. What could they possibly say to Gangle to convey what they felt? No matter what they thought of, no words were ever enough to describe the warmth that lingered in their chest. But they still wanted to try.
Zooble smiled. "I really love you, you know?"
Gangle remained asleep, oblivious to what Zooble had just said. They felt embarrassed that they couldn't just say it to her face. But those words were for another time. A time for when Zooble no longer had attachable limbs or pull apart eyes, and Gangle no longer needed a mask to control what she felt. They wouldn't be Zooble or Gangle anymore, but whoever they were before this mess. Zooble knew that there was no way the love they had could ever survive in this circus. So they would wait. And until that day, they would be by Gangle's side, hoping for a better future and learning to love themselves how they were now. It wasn't okay now. But it would be someday.
Slowly, Zooble closed their eyes, and drifted off into a deep slumber.