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"…What would you do if I abstracted tomorrow?"
"…I'd move on. And probably forget about you."
The words rang through Pomni's head as she walked slowly down the hallway toward Ragatha's room after the awards ceremony. They looped in her head like a bad song she couldn't free herself from, no matter what she tried to chase them out with. And the cold, distant way Jax had spoken those words, staring at her like he was looking straight through her, made her stomach turn cold to recall.
"And probably forget about you."
…She knew he had chosen those words that would hurt her the most on purpose, always perceptive, always keenly aware of what ticked his victims off the most. She knew he was deflecting, that there was something deeper going on here, that he had frozen up the second she'd impulsively hugged him and pushed her away, both physically and emotionally…that there was a reason for it. She wasn't stupid, she could tell something in him had broken, that he was too scared to be vulnerable for half a second and risk expressing an actual human emotion around her for once. That he did care, and that claiming he didn't was some sort of act to preserve himself…to protect himself.
…That didn't mean it hadn't hurt, though. Not after getting along so well with Jax all day, actually having fun for once, only to be proverbially slapped in the face once the dust had settled and there was no more chaos to divert them from an authentic chance at connection. Jax didn't want connection, not the way Pomni did…she'd only been a plaything, and once he saw that she wasn't taking his "don't take it so seriously" life motto, well, seriously, she'd been cast aside and told it had all been a joke that she hadn't taken well.
A joke. Right. Maybe she should've known better than to think she could ever crack Jax's shell, that he'd ever open up sincerely to her in this world he'd decided was his personal toy box.
Pomni's gaze flitted over toward Jax's door as she passed by, and for a brief flash of a second she considered knocking on it and demanding to talk to him about what had happened between them. Or slapping him across the face. Or simply telling him how much he had hurt her with those venomous, knife-sharpened words she suspected he hadn't meant as much as he'd tried to convey. But she ultimately decided against it. She knew what would happen if she did—either he'd flippantly dismiss her again, insisting once more that it had all been a joke and that nothing at all between them had mattered, or he would laugh at her for supposedly crawling back to him before slamming the door shut in her face. She knew she wouldn't make any progress with him, and she wasn't in any particular mood to deal with that all over again.
Not until she could get those words out of her head…
"…I'd move on…"
…that echoed her worst fear in this digital hellscape…
"…and probably forget about you."
…that twisted her stomach into a knot, and made her breath catch as tears suddenly clogged her throat, pooling in her eyes and blurring her vision. The hideously bright colors of the circus tent melded into an incomprehensible kaleidoscope of blotchy patterns and threatened to drown her, until she rapidly blinked her tears away.
By this point she'd reached Ragatha's door. She drew in a shallow, wavering breath, trying to compose herself before seeing her friend, and then lifted a shaky hand to knock quietly on the door.
A few seconds later Ragatha swung open her door, smiling softly when she saw Pomni on the other side…but that smile immediately faltered, slipping into a worried frown when she took in Pomni's face. Pomni tried to school her features into a neutral expression, but she knew the damage had already been done.
"Oh, Pomni…are you okay?" Ragatha asked, her voice hushed and concerned.
"Y-yeah…I'm…I'm okay." Pomni forced a weak, wobbly smile, knowing she wasn't the least bit convincing. She awkwardly rubbed her arm. "Can we…still talk tonight? If that's alright with you, at least…"
"Of course…come on in, make yourself at home." Ragatha opened the door wider, ushering Pomni inside.
Pomni entered the room slowly, feeling hesitant the way she always did when going into one of her fellow circus members' rooms. Even with an invitation, she felt a little intrusive—they had so little privacy as it was in this world, and the small space they did have designated entirely to themselves was precious. But she felt immediately comfortable in Ragatha's room, brimming with so many personal touches of the ragdoll accumulated over what must have been years here: Shelves filled with books and knitting supplies and trinkets collected from past adventures, homemade quilts and plushes adorning the bed and chairs, a piano that Pomni wondered if Ragatha knew how to play. The sweet fragrance of lavender and vanilla permeated the air, and the effect was calming as Pomni made herself take another, deeper breath through her nose and exhaled in a long sigh.
"Your room is so cozy…" Pomni mumbled, almost more to herself than out loud. "It's so homey and, well, you. I wish my room felt a little more comfy and a less…clown-ish."
"Aw, thank you…I think we can work on making your room feel a little more like you, if you want. Find some things that suit you a little better than the blocks and toys and stuff you have in there." Ragatha crossed over to her bed, sitting down and patting the space next to her in a silent invitation for Pomni to join her.
Pomni accepted the offer, lowering herself onto the bed beside Ragatha, shoulders hunched and hands clasped on her lap to keep them from fidgeting.
For a moment, neither of them spoke, and the silence in the air between them was…not exactly tense, but noticeable. It had been a long day, a long several days actually, and Pomni was sure Ragatha felt as drained in every sense of the word as she did.
"I…" Ragatha started, after a beat.
"So…" Pomni began, at the same time.
They both lapsed into silence again, and Pomni chuckled shyly.
"Sorry…you first," she said, gesturing for Ragatha to continue.
Ragatha hesitated, seeming for a second like she was going to insist Pomni go first instead, but then cleared her throat nervously instead.
"Pomni, I…I'm sorry I turned you down this morning when you asked to be my partner for the adventure. Actually…I'm sorry for more than that." Ragatha twisted a lock of her red yarn hair tightly around her finger, her hand visibly trembling. "I guess I just thought that…that maybe you needed a break from me, and that I might have needed one too…? The thing is, I think I've been trying a little too hard with you lately, trying to help you adjust and get you to…to like me, or at least not hate me. I wanted to be your friend. But I'm worried I pushed you away instead by being too forceful, and just gave you reasons to resent me. It wouldn't be the first time I did that, but it never feels any less rotten. And I thought maybe you…that you were just offering to partner with me because you felt bad for me, or something, and I didn't want you to pity me or put yourself out when you'd rather be partners with someone else. And I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings when I did that."
Pomni's chest tightened, her heart aching as she listened to the doll anxiously pour out her feelings. Guilt surged through her at the realization that part of this was her fault. She'd always been aware that Ragatha was a closed-off person, burying any negativity rather than confronting it, and that it made getting close to her hard…but Pomni hadn't exactly been great at communicating on that front either, had she?
"Ragatha…I could never hate you. I feel horrible that you might have ever thought that I did," Pomni responded earnestly, her voice soft. "I really like you, I mean that. I asked if you wanted to be my partner today because I really want to be your friend, too. I already see you as my friend, but I wanted to be closer to you, get to know you better. It just…doesn't always feel easy to do that. And also…I feel bad because I might have accidentally made you feel like I was pushing you away, too, when I never meant to. So I'm really sorry about that, too."
Ragatha blinked at her, clearly surprised by this admission. "You…thought you were pushing me away?"
"It was unconsciously, but…yeah." Pomni lowered her gaze to her lap, toying absently with the cuff of her glove. "You're so kind and helpful, and I really do appreciate that. But I guess sometimes I felt a little too coddled…like you saw me as a child, not an equal. I know you never meant for me to feel that way, but I did. I just felt like you weren't really seeing me, what I really needed. Because sometimes I need space, and other times I need someone to listen, more than I need to be cheered up and told everything is going to be okay when it doesn't feel like it will be. I don't need a parent, or a cheerleader…I just need a good friend. And I guess I just wanted you to be more honest with me, and honest with yourself, instead of forcing yourself to be cheerful and hyping everyone else up when your heart clearly wasn't in it. But you wouldn't know that unless I told you that, and I was sort of avoidant rather than just talking to you directly about how I felt. I think we both would've benefited if I'd done that sooner. I haven't done the best job at showing you I really do appreciate everything you've done for me, even after thanking you that one time. And I'm really sorry about that…I hope it's not too late now."
There was a pause, during which a sick feeling crept into Pomni's stomach, thinking she might have said too much at once. After everything that had transpired that day, she didn't think her heart could handle another fight and losing another friend.
"I'm sorry, Pomni…I'm really sorry." Ragatha's voice sounded vaguely hoarse, but her tone was genuine. "I never meant to make you feel like a child, I really feel awful about that. I just wanted to help you…you seemed so scared and lost at first, and you'd had that terrible first day here, anyone would've been traumatized by that. I just wanted to show you that things aren't always so bad here, that you have someone here who cares about you and that you can turn to whenever you need anything. But I guess I came on a little strong…I should've been asking what you actually needed, rather than what I thought would be right. I can't really blame you for having a hard time approaching me with that. But…I learned a few things today, and I promise I'll try to be better about being there for you, without making you feel like I'm smothering you or anything."
Pomni smiled slightly to herself, recalling that Kinger had been Ragatha's partner during today's bullet-fueled battle royale. She wasn't sure what might have happened between the two of them during the adventure, but if it had been anything like the conversation she'd had with Kinger back when they'd been trapped in that haunted manor, she could guess that it had been exactly what Ragatha had needed to hear.
"We both have some things to work on, but I think we can move past it, if we're willing to help remind each other of that," Pomni affirmed. She felt like something had shifted between them, something positive. The unspoken tension that had wedged them apart the last few days had lifted, and Pomni felt truly hopeful that they could form a stronger bond than ever and finally begin to come clean with each other rather than skirt around their issues. Maybe it was just baby steps, but one had to start somewhere when making friends from scratch in an inescapable digital hell.
Ragatha smiled, not the one she plastered on for audience approval, but a real smile—soft, sincere, and immensely relieved.
"I think we can do that…I want to make things work between us, whatever it takes. You're precious to me, Pomni. I really hope you know that."
…It was strange, but hearing that sent a swarm of butterflies fluttering in Pomni's stomach. Maybe she'd been more anxious about this conversation than she'd realized, although she didn't feel all that anxious now that it was going so well…so, what was that then?
She managed to smile back, then coughed once, swinging her leg lightly back and forth over the edge of the bed.
"So…I take it the adventure went alright with Kinger on your team?" she asked, changing the subject.
"It really did…a lot better than I expected it to, actually. Kinger makes a pretty good partner, all in all," Ragatha remarked fondly, then turned a curious gaze on Pomni. "How about you? It looked like you and Jax were having a blast and made a pretty solid team, but then again I guess you have been getting closer to him lately…I'm surprised he didn't sit next to you at the awards show."
There was a certain strain to Ragatha's voice then, and Pomni knew how difficult it must have been for her to have asked that without sounding bitter or tossing in a cutting remark about Jax. And yet the question, innocent as it was, punctured Pomni's heart like a knife and twisted deeper into her chest as everything he'd said to her flooded back to the forefront of her thoughts, unwelcome. She swallowed hard against the lump that had resurfaced in her throat, her breath shaky as she exhaled.
"It was…not bad. I mean, for the most part." Pomni tugged at the cuff of her glove again, twisting it around her wrist. "We worked together well, and it was…kind of fun, to just let myself loosen up a little, though I'm a little worried I might have taken it too far at some points. I really thought we made a great team, that we were actually sort of bonding, you know? But then…but then everything just…"
Pomni's breath hitched suddenly, snagging in her throat. Tears rushed to her eyes, and she quickly blinked them away…though not before one leaked out, sliding down her permanently blush-painted cheek. She hurriedly brought a hand up to swipe it away with the back of her glove.
Not before Ragatha had seen it, though.
"Pomni…?" she asked quietly, her voice tinged with worry again. "Hey…did something happen during today's adventure?"
Pomni nodded wordlessly, not trusting her own voice.
"With Jax?"
Pomni nodded again.
There was a short pause, and then Ragatha asked gently, "Do you want to talk about it?"
Pomni clenched her fists in her lap, so tightly that if she weren't wearing gloves her nails would have pierced the tender flesh of her palms. She struggled to draw in another deep breath, but her lungs wouldn't permit it, a vice-like ache gripping her chest and crushing her ribs. And those words, those words that had been haunting her all evening, replayed themselves incessantly in her mind, over and over and over and over…
"I'd move on…and probably forget about you."
…And just like that, the dam that had been caging the rampant whirlpool of her worst thoughts collapsed, and she finally broke down.
"I just…f-feel…so stupid!" Pomni buried her face in her hands as the tears poured freely now, her shoulders hunched as sobs wracked her petite frame. "I really…I really thought for a minute that I had broken through to Jax, somehow…n-not that I was fixing him, or t-trying to, but I thought I was at l-least starting to understand him better. That he was letting me in, sharing things with me, becoming a…a f-friend. I never thought I would've been able to say that about Jax before, but he actually acted like he was cool with me, that maybe he cared. But I…I should've known, it was only because he thought I was buying into his whole stupid archetype thing and that I took his whole 'nothing in life matters' philosophy seriously. The second the game was over and I made the mistake of hugging him impulsively, the whole act dropped, and he acted like nothing that had happened today mattered…th-that I didn't matter, to him. And it just…it hurt, it made me so mad, and yet I still f-feel like I'm the fool for letting myself believe for even a minute that things were different. God, what is wrong with me…?"
Pomni didn't know if Ragatha had understood any of the stuttering, tear-filled torrent that had spilled from her quivering lips, nor did she lift her gaze to gauge the doll's reaction. Her chest heaved as she forced herself to take in a ragged breath, barreling on before Ragatha had a chance to fill the silence.
"And I…I think he's hurting, too. That's what makes it so hard. I'm furious at him, and I know I have every right to be, b-but…there's something there, I know there is. That he's too afraid of showing he actually does care, that we're all still people trapped in this stupid game and not just characters playing a designated role. That he has, you know, actual human emotions, but if he lets anyone see them or get too close, suddenly he's too vulnerable, maybe, or he's not just a character doing what he's supposed to do. Going against his…his archetype, which seems to be important to him. Like pretending he isn't human is the way he copes with being here. And I get it, sort of. Maybe it's easier if you try to tell yourself your old life never existed, that this is what you're supposed to be doing." She sniffled, fighting to compose herself. "But it's…it's not an excuse. It doesn't mean he should be able to get away with whatever he wants just because this world isn't really real. We are all still real, whether he likes it or not, and what he says and does hurts. Like harassing you, and breaking Gangle's mask on purpose because he thinks it's funny, and…and not taking the funerals seriously, and telling someone who is so afraid of being forgotten that he wouldn't even remember her if she abstracted tomorrow…that he would forget me, like I was never even here."
She admittedly felt vulnerable herself, confiding her biggest fear for Ragatha to hear, raw and real and painful as it was…and how Jax had weaponized that fear against her, whether he was aware of it or not. It didn't matter, when she thought about it—because whether it was her greatest fear or not, it was still the lowest, cruelest thing he could have done to essentially tell her to her face that he wouldn't care if she died. But like it or not, she was still a human, and the last thing she ever wanted to do here was lose her sense of humanity. And if that meant confronting her fears, her pain, her darkest secrets, then so be it.
Silence descended upon the room once more, the only sound Pomni was aware of was that of her own tremulous breathing and sniffling. She wondered how Ragatha would respond to such a reveal. Would she be furious on Pomni's behalf? Would she launch into an explosive tirade about how Jax was a heartless and irredeemable jerk and that he was better off left alone? A part of Pomni wondered if maybe that was what she wanted to hear, if it would ease the ache that throbbed in her heart to be given an excuse not to care about him.
But that wasn't what Ragatha did. Instead, she rested a gentle hand against Pomni's back, patting her comfortingly. And…it was weird. Pomni was severely touch-averse, and normally such an unexpected gesture would've caused her to flinch and shrink away slightly—she wasn't ever trying to be rude, but unless she initiated the contact herself, it always made her skin feel hot and itchy. But right now, feeling the grounding weight of the doll's hand rubbing soothing circles against her back…it felt good, it felt right, and she exhaled shakily as she melted into the touch and leaned against Ragatha's side.
"I…feel like I should have done a better job warning you about getting close to Jax," Ragatha began slowly, hesitating, before pressing on. "I didn't want you to feel like I was telling you who to be friends with, or sound like I was jealous. But the thing is, that's just the way Jax is. He doesn't let anyone get close to him, doesn't really treat anyone like he likes them. He didn't used to be that way, to such an extreme degree at least, until…until he lost a couple friends, and then made every effort to push everyone else away. He's pretty good at targeting the exact thing that'll hurt you the most and then not holding back, and acting like your pain is just one big joke to him. I guess you experienced that first hand. But to be honest…for a minute there, I thought I was seeing something in Jax that I hadn't seen in a long time, when he was with you. That maybe, if anyone could get him to come around and get back in touch with what might be left of his humanity again, it would be you."
Hearing that Ragatha thought Pomni had stood a chance at breaking down Jax's walls, only to wind up failing so miserably, made Pomni's heart hurt worse. Another sob wrenched itself from her aching throat, and in a move that surprised even herself she flung her arms around Ragatha's torso and clung tightly to her in a fierce hug, burying her face against the doll's side.
Unlike Jax, Ragatha didn't recoil from the impulsive embrace. She stiffened for just a second, caught off guard, before wrapping her arms back around Pomni and squeezing her gently, stroking her back as the jester continued to cry and stained the doll's patchwork dress with her bitter tears.
"There, there," Ragatha murmured, cradling Pomni close against her. "It's okay, just let it go…"
So Pomni did. She let herself bawl for what felt like an hour, her whole body shuddering with each hiccupy gasp she breathed in. And as terrible and angry and sick to her stomach as the whole ordeal had left her…it felt good, to grant herself the permission to cry her heart out over it, to feel unashamed in letting someone hold her and whisper sweet affirmations until her tears dried in salty trails on her cheeks and her sobs tapered off into choppy, congested whimpers. Pomni wasn't like Jax, and she never would be. She cared too much in a way she couldn't hide, and she couldn't help that she often wore her heart on her sleeve and exposed it to the elements, leaving herself vulnerable. It made her feel real, made her feel human, and she was grateful at least that she could still hold on to that.
Another, more fleeting thought crossed her mind then, unbidden but not necessarily unwelcome.
Ragatha sure gives good hugs…I feel safe here…
After a few minutes, Pomni finally composed herself enough to draw in a few deep breaths without choking, her tears subsiding for the time being. Her eyes felt sore and swollen, and her temples pounded with the onset of what she knew would be a grueling headache…and yet, she still felt better than she had all night. It wasn't much, but it was something.
She reluctantly disengaged from the hug, wiping at her damp eyes before gazing up at Ragatha again.
"So Jax did have friends here, before?" she croaked, her voice scratchy.
"Yeah, a best friend…his name was Ribbit, I don't know if Jax told you anything about him," Ragatha replied, rubbing her arm as she spoke, as though she needed the self-comfort. "But the two of them were practically joined at the hip, always pulling pranks and laughing at everything and nothing together. They weren't malicious about it though, not the way Jax can be now. Actually…Ribbit was a little like you, now that I think about it. Even looked a little like you, with the round face and blushy cheeks and all."
Pomni touched her cheek somewhat self-consciously, lost in thought. She vaguely recalled seeing a door in the hallway, one that depicted a green frog with cute pink cheeks and a bow tie…and a bright red X slashing across his smile. That must have been Ribbit, right?
"And he…abstracted, one day?" Pomni ventured quietly, feeling uncomfortably like she was treading her way into territory that wasn't quite her business, but that she sought the answers for anyway.
Ragatha nodded, her shoulders dropping. "Yeah…yeah, a couple years ago, well before you showed up. And Jax, he just…he wasn't the same, after that. Of course, an abstraction hits everyone hard, and even when the signs are there you never really expect it to happen…although at some point I guess it's just denial. But this was Jax's first time experiencing one, and it just happened to be his best friend, the one person he had really formed a deep connection with here. And after that, he just…he changed. He started distancing himself from everyone, not really trying to befriend anyone else, especially any newcomers up until you showed up. And his jokes and pranks became a lot less playful and a lot more harsh. He'd always had a bit of a cruel streak, but it was tamer before…I think Ribbit helped to tone it down. But without him here…it's like Jax didn't care anymore, and he hasn't ever since. He made a conscious effort to push the rest of us away…at least, he sure pushed me away."
"Wait…" Pomni's eyes widened as realization sunk in. "Do you mean that…that you used to be friends with Jax, too?"
"Yeah, well…" Ragatha gave a sad, empty chuckle. "We were, back then, at least I thought we were. We were never as close as Jax was with Ribbit, but we got along a lot better than we do now. Sometimes we would form a trio on adventures and such, although I was never really one for, you know, pranks and mischief and all. But when Ribbit abstracted, after his funeral that Jax didn't even show up to…I confronted him, asking why he wasn't there to say his last goodbyes to his own best friend. I tried to be gentle, but Jax got so defensive that it got me worked up too, we both said things that I'm sure we both wished we could take back…at least, I wish I could take my words back. I'm not sure Jax ever felt the same way. He…seemed to think Ribbit's abstraction was partly my fault, for not being there enough, for trying to force my positivity onto him. I was just…I was only trying to help, trying to make things better for everyone else. But I guess I didn't, at least, not this time. And everything has been strained with Jax since then, I'm sure he actually hates me now…"
Pomni felt her heart breaking a second time, this time for Ragatha. Ragatha really was so incredibly sweet, always trying to bring everyone else out from the depths of their own dark spirals despite her own struggles…even though her overly optimistic tendencies had rubbed Pomni the wrong way more than once before, she could fully understand why the doll had adopted it as a coping mechanism here. Ragatha had chosen kindness over cruelty, something she couldn't say for Jax. Pomni had to admire her determination to at least try making others happy, and no matter what she hadn't deserved to be treated that way by Jax, regardless of how badly he had been hurting.
"Ragatha…no matter what, you didn't cause Ribbit's abstraction, I know you couldn't have," Pomni finally spoke, once she had collected her thoughts again. "That's on Jax if he really chooses to believe that, but I know it isn't true. You're so kind to everyone, you always have a smile to give and something nice to say, even on the worst of days. I'm sure you did everything you could think of, that you tried to help, but…from what I can tell, sometimes nothing is enough to pull you back from that brink once you're on the edge of it. But…you're a good friend, you really are. I didn't know him, but I bet Ribbit wouldn't have wanted you to blame yourself. And no matter what, it's unfair of Jax to make you feel otherwise."
"You're so sweet, Pomni." Ragatha's own breath wavered as she breathed in, then sighed. "I don't know what I could have done differently, but if I had the chance to try again, I would take it in a heartbeat…for Ribbit, and for Jax. I didn't want to lose either of them, but…I did, anyway."
Pomni was at a loss for words, for a moment. Nothing she said could bring Ribbit back, or mend the relationship between Jax and Ragatha. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, her throat dry and tight.
Before she could attempt to say anything else, Ragatha lifted her gaze to match Pomni's again, and said quietly, "But…maybe it's not too late for you. Maybe you still have a chance at getting through to Jax, if you still want to be friends with him."
"I…don't know what I want," Pomni confessed weakly. "I don't know what he wants, if he ever actually did see me as a friend…I know he's hiding something, that he's burying his own pain. I want to help him. But…how can I do that when he loses it at the first sign of someone showing they might actually care about him? How do you get through to someone that stubborn, someone who won't flinch as he throws your worst fears right in your face but shuts down the second you call him out on his? He'll never let me get close to him after I screwed it all up with him."
"I wish I could tell you something more hopeful there, but after years of living with him and trying to help him and get through to him, I don't know what else there is to say about it…" Ragatha paused, then asked, "Can I give you some advice that Kinger gave me today?"
Pomni nodded, listening intently.
"Well…Kinger told me that relationships are two-sided, that one person shouldn't be pulling all the weight if the other person doesn't feel like it. We all handle things differently, and sometimes we just need to let someone do what they need to do on their own. He said that giving someone space isn't the same as giving up on them, and…I think he's right." Ragatha's gaze drifted toward the floor, then back up to Pomni. "There's no excuse for the way Jax behaves, no matter how much he's hurting on the inside, the same way we are. I'm not trying to say that he should be allowed to get away with any of it just because that's how he chooses to cope. All I'm saying is that, maybe there is a way to get through to him, and that maybe you're the one to break down that wall. But for now, I think you need to give him some space. Show him that you're there for him, that you still care about him, in spite of everything. But you shouldn't hurt yourself trying to reach out to him if he's only going to smack your hand away every single time. Let him decide if he will let you in, but let him know you won't give up on him. I think that's the best thing you can do for him now."
Pomni nodded slowly, processing Ragatha's words. It made sense…and as much as Jax had hurt her, as much as he'd made her feel like she was nothing in his eyes after they'd spent a whole day bonding, she didn't want to give up on him. She knew there was something else beneath the facade he put up, something vulnerable and raw and real, and she was determined to chip away at his walls and convince him that he was still human too. That he was allowed to have feelings, that he didn't have to push people away because he might be too scared to get close again…that he had a friend here, if he wanted one. She'd let that be his choice, but she would be ready and waiting if he ever decided.
But…Jax wasn't the only one she wanted to be friends with here.
"That's good advice…I'll remember that, and just, try to remind him that I'm here when he needs it. I won't force him…I learned the hard way that doesn't work with him." Pomni fell silent, tapping her fingertips together, giving herself a minute to form what she wanted to say next. "And…Ragatha?"
"Yeah?" Ragatha tilted her head slightly to the side, regarding Pomni closely.
"I just wanted to say…thank you. For being here with me tonight, and for not giving up on me." Pomni smiled softly up at Ragatha, and she could only hope it conveyed her genuine gratitude as it swelled in her chest and made her feel lighter than she had all night. "Thank you for being my friend. I don't feel like I've been a very good one toward you lately, but…I promise I'll do better, if you'll give me the chance."
"Oh, Pomni…" Ragatha offered her hand to Pomni, and when Pomni slipped her hand into the doll's, Ragatha laced their fingers together and squeezed reassuringly. "I never would have given up on you, and I'll always give you another chance. I meant what I told you earlier, if you ever need anything you can come to me. I'll always be here for you, whenever you're ready."
…There it was again, that strange sensation like butterfly wings were flapping away inside Pomni's stomach. Maybe she was catching something, maybe there was a defect with her code…? She didn't think so, though. It wasn't unpleasant, and she liked the warm feeling it filled her with. She squeezed Ragatha's hand firmly back, resolving to sort out those feelings later.
"Also…I'm not sure how much this helps to hear, but you would never be forgotten if you abstracted." Ragatha's voice was somber and sincere, her one eye glistening as she gazed at Pomni solemnly. "I know you haven't been with us for very long yet, but you are valued here more than you could ever know, Pomni. You are cared about, you are loved. And we would be devastated if we ever lost you, but you'd always hold a place in our hearts. Please don't let Jax convince you otherwise…because deep down, I think he'd miss you, too."
A fresh surge of tears welled in Pomni's eyes again, but this time it wasn't accompanied by the sharp ache of sorrow piercing through her heart. The pain still lingered, the uncertainty of what would happen come tomorrow morning when she would inevitably have to face Jax again. But for the moment, she felt buoyed by a sense of hope, by the knowledge that she would truly never be alone here, and she allowed herself to bask in the warmth of knowing how much she was cared about by her friends (whether that included Jax or not, but she hoped so). It was comforting to remind herself that they wouldn't forget about her…but at the same time, she would do everything in her power to not give them reason to miss her. Not by pushing them away, not by adopting Jax's mindset, but by not letting herself lose faith in the next day being a better one, in not losing herself to the all-consuming hopelessness that led to abstraction. She would always fight for that, and she would do her best to help her friends do the same.
"Thank you, Ragatha," Pomni whispered, her voice fragile but so, so thankful. "I'll remember that."
"That's good to hear." Only then did Ragatha relinquish her hold on Pomni's hand and rested her hands on her lap, seeming to realize how long she'd been holding on—and for once, Pomni privately wished she hadn't let go, still feeling a warm tingle radiating through her palm that starkly contrasted with the itchy pins-and-needles sensation that unexpected touches usually brought on in her. "Feeling a little better?"
"Yeah…yeah, I really do." Pomni brushed away one last tear, sniffling. "I'm really glad we talked tonight."
"Me too, Pomni. I think we both needed this." Ragatha cleared her throat then. "Say…do you maybe feel like doing something together? Something fun, just to get our minds off things. Unless you're too tired or anything, and that's okay, it was a long day…"
Pomni shifted anxiously in her seat, her stomach knotting up at the very thought of approaching Jax and trying to talk to him…she wondered if she should just get it over with now, knowing she couldn't avoid him forever. But after everything, she simply didn't feel ready to see him again yet. The wounds were still too fresh, and she needed to take care of herself as much as she wanted to Jax. She decided to let things cool off between them, at least until tomorrow.
Besides…she wasn't quite ready to leave this pocket of peace and safety she'd now found with her ragdoll friend yet.
"Actually…do you think you'd want to have a sleepover?" Pomni proposed, and winced inwardly, hoping the suggestion hadn't sounded juvenile. "I just…I'm not ready to be alone just yet. But maybe we could watch a movie or do something else mindless, or just…talk, not about anything serious, unless you wanted to."
"…Oh! Yes, I'd love to!" To Pomni's relief, Ragatha sounded thrilled by the idea. "Gosh, I don't remember the last time I had a sleepover, I didn't go to many growing up. We can make popcorn and watch a movie…well, the only movies we have available to us are the, ah, interesting spoofs of real ones Caine made himself to avoid copyright infringement, but they're still a good enough distraction. And…we should definitely talk more, too. I think it's about time we really got to know each other better."
Ragatha smiled warmly at Pomni, and Pomni returned the gesture as she nodded her agreement.
"Yeah, I think so, too." She looked forward to it, in fact.
"Okay!" Ragatha nodded back, sounding once again like her old chipper self as she hopped up from the bed. "How about I go make us some popcorn, and then we can choose something to watch?"
"I'll come with you," Pomni volunteered, sliding off the bed too. "Maybe I can make us some hot cocoa? I think we could both go for a chocolate fix right now."
"Sounds perfect." Ragatha swung open her bedroom door, and the two stepped out into the hallway, chatting idly as they made their way toward the tent's kitchen.
As they walked, Pomni spared another glance toward Jax's door as she passed it by. Her fingers twitched, her heart aching again briefly as memories of the afternoon flashed through her mind once more. But she quickly shook it off, as much as she could.
I'll talk to Jax tomorrow. We'll get through this, somehow. I'm not about to just leave things unresolved between us, if we're expected to spend eternity together…but I'm allowed to take care of myself first, at least for tonight. He knows where to find me, whenever he's ready for a friend again. I'll be there for him, and for my other friends here too.
No one deserves to feel forgotten here…not me, not even Jax.
"Pomni?" Ragatha's voice gently intercepted Pomni's thoughts, and Pomni realized with a start that she must have spaced out. "You still with me here?"
"Yeah…yeah, I am." Pomni snapped back to attention, and smiled. "I'm with you."
…And not Ragatha either. I'll do my best to make sure she never feels forgotten or pushed away ever again. She didn't give up on me even when I wasn't always there, and I'm not going to give up on her either.
And this time, she knew that she would keep this promise.