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Jax’s week has been bad. And it is all Pomni’s fault.
Yeah, their fight had been bad, but that’s Jax’s thing. She should know already he’s an asshole, that he doesn’t care about people’s feelings or worries, and that he’s fine with everyone hating him as long as he can have fun about it.
She doesn’t have to ignore him because of it.
But she has. Ever since the Award show, she’s been avoiding him. She doesn’t do anything as dramatic as switch seats or move away from where he is, but nothing that Jax does means anything to her. If he tells a joke, she will look to the other side. If he messes with anyone, she’ll keep looking bored. There hasn’t been any more duo adventures so far, but even in the ones where they all need to help, she won’t acknowledge he even exists.
It’s driving him crazy. The first few days he wanted to shake her like a rag, until she was forced to look at him; but the thought of forcing her to do anything made him feel nauseated. She was already forced to be stuck with him in everyday life. He had no right. It still made him want to die.
He doesn’t think he’s ever been this desperate for anyone to want to talk to him in all his stay. Whenever any of the others got mad, he’d laugh at them until they got over it. He can’t do that if Pomni just forgets he even exists.
His words come to haunt him. He had said something like that, right? That he’d forget her. He can’t remember well, but it tracks. After all was said and done she needed to understand that nothing she did could bring him to care.
Well, aside from forgetting his existence, apparently. He knew she was going to be mad. Not that she’d actually—try to ignore his very existence.
If she had gone to speak about how she feels with the others he doesn’t really know, because none of them are acting anyway differently. It’s just Pomni that won’t even stare at him when he does. Even when Jax is looking away, Pomni’s gaze is stuck anywhere far from him.
Well played, he thinks, watching her ignore him once again at dinner. He hates her for it, for a second. Then, he just feels all sorts of crazy for not being able to stick to hating her.
He wants her to look at him again.
—
He shuts down, after a bit. For all that he still finds joy in kicking Gangle and pestering Ragatha, it simply doesn’t help with the taste of ashes that having Pomni ignore him brings. It annoys the shit out of him, being constantly reminded that just a week before they’d be a small giggle or shy smile thrown his way with every shitty, demeaning and stupid joke he’d say. Even if she would stare at him weirdly, she’d look at him. Now he doesn’t even get that.
He got exactly what he wanted. He hates himself.
This adventure fucking sucks, also.
It had been Caine’s idea, trying to mix what he thought were his excellent adventures with some of the requests he’d liked. To Jax’s luck, he’d picked his Poacher Paradise suggestion, and then sucked out all the fun about it by turning it into a safari where he couldn’t even shoot the others, but rather weird recreations of animals that didn’t even make sense. Oh, and the worst trio of NPCs in the world.
Pomni had audibly gasped when she saw Gumigoo was back.
Everyone sort of winced at it, knowing that staying attached to a fake person was fucked up, but Jax actively hated it. Not only had he been cut off from Pomni’s friend list, there was the stupid alligator to show him exactly what he was missing. Not that Pomni had ever gotten to like him as much as he does this weirdo, but it had been close.
Like it fucking mattered. She was done with him.
He tries to bring his mind into a state of complete silence, to stop thinking about Pomni and how she finally hates his guts and how it’s exactly what he needs but he still wants to die about it, and he goes through the motions of what they need to do to complete it. He can’t help it; despite being quietly brooding at the back, his gaze ends up going to Pomni’s figure more often than not, her tiny body looking even tinier next to Gumigoo’s imposing presence. He’s charming, even. He lowers his head constantly to speak to her better, barely acknowledging the rest of the group in this safari. His companions are doing most of the work, really. If it was up to Gumigoo, only Pomni would know anything about zebras and rhinoceros and what not.
He grits his teeth about it.
Eventually, they make it back to a cottage on the edge of the wild savannah, presumably where their adventure is meant to continue. He doesn’t understand anything of what they are saying, his mind too preoccupied with trying to stay numb so he doesn’t think about Gumigoo’s hand on Pomni’s shoulder.
She doesn’t even like physical touch. Or maybe she does, when it’s Gumigoo.
(She had hugged him.)
(He was the one to slap her away.
He keeps regretting not basking in the warmth for a second longer.)
He follows the big group inside the house, grabs a weapon because Pomni did, too, and bites the ten scatting remarks he can think about when she fumbles with the grip. If she’s thinking about the last time any of them used guns, she doesn’t show it.
“Don’t worry, mate,” Gumigoo’s stupid voice sounds gentle. “I can teach you how to fire it.”
“Oh, it’s okay,” Pomni says, and Jax forces himself to stare at the ground so he doesn’t get struck by her eyes, the adoration that’s sure to be found there. “I think I can manage.”
“Sure thing, lad,” Gumigoo replies. The tone of his voice makes him see red.
A week ago he’d have no qualms about slipping between them to stop this stupidity. Now, he can just keep his eyes to the floor and try to breathe.
“Suck up,” Jax grunts into his fist. Aside from Gangle looking at him sort of strangely, nobody takes note of it.
—
The hunting part, the fun part, is completely ruined. They’re divided in three groups—one NPC with each duo—and it’s just Jax’s luck that he gets stuck with Pomni and her stupid alligator crush. Alligator made of gum and code that treats her miles better than Jax ever will, as she ignores him because she’s mad at him.
Truly, if there was a moment to abstract…
Not like it mattered. Jax thinks Pomni isn’t paying attention to anything that isn’t Gumigoo’s accent and his stupid arms holding the gun, pointing at gummy animals.
“And then, you focus your eyes real strong,” Gumigoo says, pointing with one of his eyes closed, “and wait til the moment is right.”
Jax scoffs. Pomni nods, like she’s actually going to find any of this useful. She tries to stabilize her own rifle with a little struggle, and Jax bites back the urge to tease her about her proportional arms. She’s so focused. It’s cringe.
But it’s even more cringe when Gumigoo grabs her shoulder again and leads her a bit away from where they had been standing. “Hey, a new weapon is always tricky. Here, use my lucky one.”
He offers his own rifle with a smile, and Jax can’t help a stronger scoff. Gumigoo’s eyes raise to meet his, confused.
“Ever’thing alright, mate?” He asks.
“Shouldn’t I get to try first, if Pomni is too dumb to get it?”
Gumigoo’s back straightens up like he’s offended. “She’s getting there, let her try first.”
Pomni doesn’t say anything, content to just look at Gumigoo while he defends her. Real charmer, this one.
“You’ll have your turn,” Gumigoo insists, turning again towards Pomni and beaming at her for no fucking reason. “Take it and aim, ay?”
“Okay,” Pomni’s answers. She looks completely unaffected by Jax’s words. It makes Jax feel like a bullet got stuck inside of him.
Then, Gumigoo places his body behind hers, guiding it into the correct pose touching much more skin than he should. She doesn’t move a single inch away.
“[BEEP] this shit,” Jax announces, turning back towards where he remembers the cottage was. He’d rather get mauled by fake gummy wild animals than stare at Pomni’s indifference for a single second longer.
—
He keeps it together as they wrap the adventure up, and if anyone cares about his sudden subdued nature, nobody is keen to mention it. He had expected it, in a way. Why poke the rabbit when it’s not annoying anyone?
None of these people care about me, he thinks, with a little smirk. For all that they parade around thinking they’re so much more loving and caring than him, they would celebrate the day he abstracted. Their hypocrisy is amusing.
Well, sucks for them. Jax is going to stick around for far longer than any of these fuckers.
He’s ready to bolt towards his room and have a very much deserved panic attack about how much everyone fucking sucks when he hears his name being called with the kind of self doubt that irks him. When he stares at the noise, he finds it’s fucking Gangle calling for him, with Ragatha and Pomni in tow. Pomni. Pomni who, for the first time in what felt like years, is staring up at him.
Her eyes are not as warm as he remembers.
“What, losers?” He says, because he doesn’t want to stay, but he can’t help it. If they didn’t have Pomni with them, he’d already let them bite the dust.
She’s like a spell, he swears.
“Um…” Gangle begins, but quickly loses her bravado and stares at both Pomni and Ragatha in quick succession, quietly asking them to continue.
Jax rolls his eyes. “Do you mind? I want to take a nap and forget all about that dreadfully boring adventure.”
“Gangle just wanted to say,” Ragatha starts, looking somehow even more uncomfortable than Gangle had been, “that we’re going to go to the movie room and, uh, we were wondering if you wanted to join.”
What.
“What.” He asks. He can’t help his eyes when they fall on Pomni, who’s once again pretending he doesn’t exist. He wishes she could stop hating him for a minute and she could explain what the fuck was happening.
“Yeah, uh,” Gangle continues, fuzzing with the ends of her hand-ropes. “You haven’t been in the main areas for a bit and you, uh, usually invite yourself to these kinds of things, but if you aren’t around you wouldn’t know they are happening so, um, yeah!”
Jax can feel his own brain turn off. There’s so much happening, and none of it makes any sense. Don’t they already know what happened? Why are they inviting him in? He hates them. He hates how confusing they are, he hates when they act in such strange ways for no reason. He hates them with such vitriol for not doing their roles (Ragatha is meant to be nice, but not to him) and he feels himself stumble back with force. And that’s not his role, either. He’s supposed to be funny. The funny one. What can he say to mock them, to turn this into a joke. He needs a joke.
His efforts are stopped with Pomni’s soft voice, standing starkly against the awkward silence. “I—we were kinda worried,” she says, holding one of her arms with the other and staring up at him with a small frown.
And isn’t that rich. Isn’t that amazing. Isn’t that exactly what he has been dying for.
Pity. Pomni—and all these weirdos—pity him.
“Are you joking,” he says, and it doesn’t come off light at all. He feels himself tense in a matter of seconds, and that part of his digital brain that’s dying to have a panic attack and pass out become more and more present
The three of them stare at him like he’s grown a second head. He thinks Gangle is shivering, preparing for the verbal onslaught that he could put her through. But it isn’t her lameness that has angered him, nor Ragatha’s fakeness.
It’s Pomni. How dare she.
“So, in case it hasn’t [BEEP]ing clicked yet,” he starts, quietly and precise with his words. He wants this to stick. He wants this to hurt again. “I am not your friend. I have never been your friend. I don’t need your worry, and I sure as [BEEP] don’t need your pity.”
Pomni gasps, like she understood exactly what she said wrong. “Jax, that’s not—”
“I am fine with tormenting all of you when I damn please, and if I don’t need to, I will not, but that doesn’t mean you’re all safe. I make your lives miserable and regret getting stuck with me when I want. You don’t need to invite me. I do whatever the [BEEP] I want.”
“And Pomni,” he continues, drinking in the way she’s finally staring at him again, preparing himself to lose it forever, “honestly, fantastic [BEEP]ing act.”
“I—what?” She scoffs, her arms crossed over her chest. Ragatha and Gangle share a small glance over her head, confused.
“You’re worried? Please, don’t even try,” he grins, feeling the way his eyes squish with the stretch of it. If she finds the sight off putting, she doesn’t show it, but he knows how he looks. He knows how evil he can be. “Like you haven’t spent every single minute of this week ignoring me. You’re actually ridiculous if you think I would fall for that. It makes me laugh how bad you’re at lying. Like, maybe you’re the funny one here, huh? Little jester.”
His sneer brings him nothing more than a stronger frown. Pomni once again refuses to show him any reaction, any feelings. Any care.
It feeds that ugly, green thing inside of him. “I bet you thought you were so clever but guess fucking what, Pomni, I know your heart is not really in it. And I know who you’re actually concerned about, so don’t even try to deny it.”
“What are you talking about?” She asks, her eyes squinting at him. Jax’s head rolls way almost on instinct, a barely amused scoff sleeping through his teeth.
“Do you think I’m stupid? You care more about Gumigoo, a [BEEP]ing NPC that doesn’t even exist, than anything to do with me.”
The words are out of his mouth before he can even think it through, his cool slipping faster than he can reel himself in. “I bet you wish you could keep him, huh. Would trade my spot at the circus so he could be here in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you?”
He’s careful to keep his face smiling. And yet, there’s nothing funny about the words. It's disgusting how much he cares. Pomni looks stricken; her big eyes look even wider, if that’s even possible. Jax thinks he can see a little bit of moisture on them. He hates himself a bit more.
Like yeah, no fucking wonder she’d rather hang out with a stupid gummy NPC than an asshole, real person. Not even a person. A fucking rabbit, who only knows how to lash out and be mean to everybody in the general radius so he doesn’t have to think about the fact that they wouldn’t like him anyway. Even if he acted as normal and friendly as everyone else, none of them would care.
Least of all Pomni.
He scoffs, reveling in the hurt silence. The room is reduced to only the two of them, and she can’t even deny it. He feels his eyes glaze over, forcing himself to forget where he is and what he’s doing. But the picture of her sad, huge eyes and small pout is imprinted on his brain, and it angers him to his core. Why can’t you be fucking normal, some part of him yells. Why doesn’t she care anymore, says another, like he wasn’t the one to push her away. With intent. With glee.
He decides he can’t stand to think about it anymore, so he just turns back around and wills his feet to drag him far far far away from her sad, confused eyes.
You make me crazy, he thinks. You’ll drive me to abstract and I almost think I’ll be happy to do so. It feels sour as he pushes the words down.
With nothing left to do, he runs towards his own room and slaps the door shut, getting ready for hours upon hours of panic and self hatred. He got his wish, after all.
He doesn’t have to worry about having a friend, and Pomni looked at him again. Things were really looking up.