Work Text:
It was one of those days.
Actually, Papyrus didn’t realise it at first. But that was usually the case on days like this. They tended to creep up and then condense over him as the day progressed.
He woke up as usual, feeling exhausted as usual.
Nightmares fading away as usual.
He looked at the time.
Three hours?
Not a bad nap. More sleep in one go than he’d had in… at least a week?
Usually, after that much sleep, he would be rearing to go! He had to keep himself moving and doing when he was awake, otherwise his restless energy would build up, driving him up the wall fairly quickly with nothing to focus on.
But today he woke up with none of the usual wild energy he used to fuel himself through the rest of the day.
He lay awake, staring at the ceiling blankly, bones feeling like lead. Moving didn’t feel worth it yet, but neither did trying to go back to sleep.
He didn’t know how long he lay there, spaced out with a creeping weight that seemed to hold his limbs in place, making getting up and starting the day difficult.
Eventually, he managed to force himself out of bed.
Usually, he’d have already started his morning run by now, but the heaviness filling him made focusing on that difficult. He made his way to his desk and turned on the computer instead.
While it booted up, he stared blankly out the window, head steadily filling with a fog that made all his thoughts difficult to grasp at.
Logging into the Undernet, Papyrus scrolled through his social media. The only other person online was Alphys.
Papyrus liked Alphys.
They’d never met in person, but they were friends on the Undernet, and more than occasionally conversed about various things online. He hoped to befriend her for real one day. She seemed like a really cool person.
But… the thought of trying to communicate with anyone right now made his mind fuzzy and blank.
He set his profile to offline. He felt bad about it, he didn’t want to snub her.
But...
As much as he liked Alphys he didn’t think he would make a very good impression right now if she decided to strike up a conversation. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings unintentionally!
He spaced out on the computer for a while longer, catching up on the latest posts, without really processing them, before he finally forced himself up again.
Even though moving felt like wading through molasses he felt a need to keep going, to keep trying to stick to his usual patterns.
As he started changing into his running clothes a thought muzzily made its way through the fog; maybe he’d see Flowey while out running!
He paused.
As much as he liked his friend, the thought of seeing or talking to anyone yet was not appealing. He didn’t know if he could act normally around Flowey today.
Half dressed in his jogging gear, and half in his sleepwear, he trailed downstairs to the couch instead. The house was dead silent, with only his footsteps to keep him company.
He sat down and proceeded to turn on MTT TV, turning the volume down low so as not to accidentally wake Sans.
The News was just starting. Papyrus blinked at the screen. His slow start to the day had killed much more time than he would usually allow it seems.
He watched the news, not really focusing on anything. Even when the news show suddenly burst into a musical number, it still didn’t pull him out of his head. Or make him react at all.
Oh.
This was when it finally sunk in through the fog.
Usually watching Mettaton’s shows always brightened his day, every episode he could quote line for line, yet they still filled him with lightness and joy every time.
But not today.
Today was one of those days.
The days when everything he managed to hold off and stomp down the rest of the time finally snapped back on him like a rubber band stretched to its limit.
Coalescing into this numbing fog that tried to sap at everything he held on to to keep himself going until...
He tried to take a deep breath, but it ended up more of a huffing sigh.
He had a half shift this morning. Usually he’d keep working overtime anyway regardless.
Paid or not!
He was always willing to prove his worth and dedication!
But…
Now knowing that it was a Bad Day…
He would still go to work - of course!
But he was grateful for once that it would be a short day. Hopefully, he’d be back home before the worst of this set in.
Sans was doing a later shift at the Waterfall checkpoint today. Papyrus would let him sleep in instead of waking him up for breakfast.
He wouldn’t want his brother to pointlessly worry about something he couldn’t change after all. And that’s all that would happen if he happened to notice Papyrus acting odd.
It was better to let his brother get his rest for work instead. Maybe he’d stay awake at his post today then?
He’d leave him a note about it.
And anyway, Sans had so many Bad Days himself, and he didn’t want to add to whatever it was that kept his brother so low all the time.
This wasn’t worth worrying him.
.
.
.
Papyrus shifted his toolkit aside heavily as he opened up the next panel to reveal the mechanics inside. Recalibration was a repetitive if still complicated task that he knew like the back of his… glove.
He could do it in his sleep.
Not that he would!
Because he didn’t need sleep!
Not really!
But as it neared the end of his shift, he’d only completed half the puzzles he would usually have gotten done any other morning. And it was getting harder to make himself move forward every step of the way.
As he closed the panel, he checked the time.
He didn’t even sigh in disappointment at his horrible pace. That would take too much that he just didn’t have right now.
Getting up he grabbed his kit slowly and headed towards his station to sign out.
.
.
.
By the time he reached the front door, he had almost completely shut down. He vaguely hoped no one had tried to talk to him on the way back through town, because he doubted it would have been processed by him at that point. He’d taken the tunnel to avoid most of the town at least.
An absent-minded, distant desire to keep Sans from worrying when he eventually got home was the only reason Papyrus didn’t collapse on the couch once he got inside. Instead, making his way slowly upstairs to his room.
Each step taking more energy than he thought he had left in him.
He kept moving anyway.
Closing his door behind him, he made his way to his closet, dropping his tool kit and pulling off the thick work gloves he’d been wearing all morning for his mechanical work.
Those were dropped heavily on the floor as well.
A distant part of his mind yelled at him to put them on the desk at least. But it was barely heard over the static in his skull.
Opening the closet door, he stepped in and closed it after him. Letting the darkness swallow him.
Sinking down against the wall in the darkness, he finally stopped.
He was silent and unmoving and unthinking.
Just... stopped.
Then.
The weight of everything he kept quashed finally crashed down on him with the force of Mt Ebbot itself.
The nightmares.
The secrecy.
The lies.
The past.
The pain.
So much pain.
It all washed over him in waves.
It felt like he was drowning, being pulled under with no relief in sight.
He distantly felt himself dig the distal phalanges of his right hand through the gap in the carpals and metacarpals of his left, and squeezing things painfully and inflaming old cracks. Trying to pull himself out of it.
Trying to ground himself, or maybe just to make the pain crushing his mind focus on a single real point?
But it continued to consume him fully.
He could feel himself shaking, he distantly noted as his hands dug into each other, colliding into his curled up legs and bumping his ribs with the force of his tremors.
But couldn’t hear his bones rattling and scraping as he knew they would be.
He could just hear the buzzing waves.
He couldn't see his bones moving either. All light thankfully blocked out.
The dark of the closet helped distance him from himself, from reality.
From the reality.
It was almost as if his body was being consumed by it, replacing his bones and the pain he felt with comforting nothingness.
He didn’t know if he was breathing or crying or even real at this stage.
Who was Papyrus anyway?
The shivers racking his body seemed to vanish as he distanced himself further.
They became something of an abstract concept.
A juddering motion watched from a distance.
He slowly started to push back at the thoughts.
Focusing on the blackness to find a drop of calm in a raging ocean.
Blocking it all out.
Bit by bit.
He finally fought back enough control and took a conscious breath and held it.
And another.
He kept going.
Things were starting to feel more solid, in a raw way.
Another breath.
Shuddering he let it out.
Again.
All he could do was wait for this to pass.
Breath in.
He had done it enough times before.
Hold.
He wouldn’t give up.
Breath out.
He would never give up.